Date: Wed, 04 Feb 2004 14:11:21 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: The Preppie and the Punk Chapter Four My slack bastardness continues both in terms of posting and replying to e-mails and you all have my apologies. It's just a mad world out there right now for me. I do promise to try to be more regular with posting, and hope that my short comings won't stop at least some of you from writing me and telling me what you think of the story. 'You just got busted Ginger' The Punk It's a regular thing. I'll find myself without anything do to on a weekend, or even on an evening when we haven't already made plans, and if he hasn't told me of any riding lessons etc I'll call, and get him to pick me up, or bus over. This time, I bus over. He's told me the code for their security system, so, wanting to surprise him, I let myself in. I call out, but there's no answer, and after checking the other main floor rooms, which took me awhile, I might add, I head to the kitchen. Which is where I find him, standing in the middle of it. He looks at me, eyes lifeless. "They know." Flat, dead. "What?!" They couldn't know, not now. Not after how used to things we had all gotten them not knowing. Now certainly wasn't the time for them to know. And how did they know? "They know," he repeats. "Yes, I heard you." Pause. "How?" Shakes his head. "Who, actually. A friend, well, a son of one of their friends. They rang up mine and well, they know." We're still standing apart in that damn kitchen, and I wonder if he needs to be in my arms. "And?" I ask, walking over and embracing him at the same time. "Still in shock." "You or them?" An almost smile, or so I thought. "Both." "But?" "It wasn't angry. They didn't quite believe it, but when they asked I told them." It's all too blankly done, this report. "They took it all wrong. I was afraid they would and they took it wrong. Said you seduced me, led me astray. Um, that I needed to get a girlfriend." Destroyed. Completely and utterly. And he had felt lifeless in my arms. I can't speak properly, so I make some sort of noise instead. He doesn't move towards me, or smile at me, or anything. I wouldn't have even thought to worry, but now, the hope I wouldn't have thought I'd need is actually disappearing. "Is this where I leave?" I ask, wishing it could come off as a joke, but knowing it wouldn't have succeeded had I attempted it. Nothing from him. Both of us, standing in the kitchen for some moments, looking at everything but the other, surrounding objects taking on an extremely fascinating appeal. I'm nowhere near the stage of being angry, and still too shocked myself to do anything else, I turn and find my way out. And he didn't follow me. He didn't chase after me or shout my name. There was time too. I went slow and had to walk quite a bit to get to the bus stop. I was in tears by that time. Got a million strange looks from the driver and the other passengers, not that I much cared. A small, very inside part of me laughed, remembering how I had considered wearing some eye liner when I got ready to go over to his, thinking that if I had it would have been running. At home. Desolate. Walk to my room, door shut behind me. I ignore my mum's occasional worried knocks on the door. Then, a phone call. And I thought it would be him. I really thought it would be him. What I expect to hear is him, crying and full of apologies, explaining that he was in too much of a state of 4shock at the time to react to what was happening. But instead, what I hear is, "Hey, mate." It's Rowan. Who, for the first time in a long time feels like Elliot's friend. I don't mean he stopped being Elliot's friend during the time that's passed but it was more like he was MY friend too. Ours. Not so much now. The tears have stopped but I can't think. "Simon, buddy." I squeak out a noise. One that sounded pretty darn pathetic I guess. "Si, you okay?" "I... um... uh..." "Simon!" "I've... we've... err." "What, you've what?!" "His parents found out and..." "Oh no," My own version of a monumental sigh. "Oh yes." "The bastard." What?! "He was horrid to you, wasn't he?" WHAT is going on here? "Well, sort of yes, but-" "I don't believe him! Sometimes, I mean really. As if it was your fault. Bastard." "Rowan!" "And you'll forgive him in a second." No doubt about it, this wasn't the reaction I was expecting from one of Elliot's closest friends. "He was in shock, and everyone makes mistakes. I love him and believe he loves me. Yes, Rowan, when he gets a hold of himself I'm going to forgive him." He sighs. "Yeah, and I guess that's right, but... I dunno. I'm fond of you, too fond maybe." DOUBLE what. "Do you mean...?" "Oh! No. Not that. Just, you're kind of a favorite of mine. The whole 'long time friendship' thing I've got with El, well, am I being disloyal to him, siding with you?" "I don't exactly mind." He laughs. "Didn't expect that you would. This is a bugger, Si, what a rotten thing to have happen. But you never said, how'd his olds find out?" "Some of their friends were told by their son and it went from those parents to Elliot's." "He's sort of controlled by them." "Saying I might have a bit of a wait ahead of me?" "Dunno. I hope not, I REALLY do. I love you both. But it'll be his loss." "No, it'll be ours together." "You're some kind of an angel or something, mate. I swear. Unbelievable." "I'm not so great, your love for me makes you blind to my many faults." Joking, and we both chuckle. Then silence on his end. "Love will do that to you." "No lectures, Ro, please?" "Right, sorry about that. See you tomorrow then?" "Oh no, tomorrow. I'd forgotten." "You'll see me." "I don't want to break you guys up. You were all a group before I ever came along." "First, isn't you who would be doing the breaking. Second, thank Buddha you DID come along, you're totally awesome. And anyway, he might call even tonight or something. It'll be okay in the end." A thought. "Ro," "What?" "Don't call him, don't yell at him. I want him to come back to me for me, not 'cause you made him feel guilty." "Would I do that?" "You certainly would." "Yeah, I would. And now that you've told me, I won't. But I was going to." "I know. Thank-you. For the thought. You've made me feel a bit normal again." A short laugh. "Not my usual effect on people, but always happy to help." "Bye then." "Ciao, dahling." "Don't start," "I'll be waiting for you at the gates." "Thanks, mate." "See you." "Bye." Sleeping is, naturally, quite difficult. 2 months and we were getting to trust each other so well. Knowing and liking each other better and better all the time. I even took him clubbing with me. We actually dared to make out in bars and hold hands on distant streets. We were fitting so well into each other's lives. He was starting to like punk! I was starting to be able to survive his pop music. His friends were becoming my friends, he was beginning to understand mine. And now this. I won't believe it wasn't real, the time we've had so far, and you won't catch me giving up hope about our future either. He loves me, I know he does. The Preppie Misery. And okay, I deserve it. The second he left I wanted to go after him. WANTED to, but didn't. Couldn't. No, there wasn't a phone call or an emergency and my feet didn't suddenly glue themselves to the floor, but I couldn't. My parents. They're good to me, and they give me a whole lot. And I'm their only child. They've provided a wonderful life for me and perhaps I do owe them something in return. Poor mum, crying so much. The talk of grandchildren. Hadn't even thought that far ahead myself, not even before Simon. Simon. Without question the love of my life, who I let leave. It's now that I should be really worried about. What am I going to do now? _____________ I wasn't sure. All the time when I was getting ready to go to school I wasn't sure. As I was getting into my car and as I drove to school I wasn't sure. Parking, walking to school, still I'm not sure. But then I see him. Still out front, standing, talking to Rowan. Then I know. And it isn't because he's talking to Rowan. It's his eyes. Even from where I'm standing, I can see his eyes. They are the eyes of a person who's cried as much as you physically can, the eyes of a person who got no sleep of any quality, the eyes of a person who is sad and scared and wounded. It was me who did that wounding. This isn't ego, but it's only me who can heal that wound. I caused it and it's me who has to fix it. So I walk over. They stare at me, Rowan's angry and I can see only pain in Simon's eyes. "Can we talk?" I ask, timidly. Rowan snorts. But Simon shoots him a glance and he turns to go, not before giving me a withering stare, a small helpless smile comes after it though. He gets angry quick and fierce, but it never lasts. Rowan doesn't have the memory for it. And anyway, I'm very glad he's supporting Si, at least he wasn't completely alone in this. "So?" I'd forgotten he was there for a moment. "Sorry." "Sorry for everything or for just now?" I couldn't live without this boy. It's no longer possible. The rest is still there but... "For everything." His response is immediate. His shoulders relax, his eyes brighten, he even sways a bit. I jump to give him a hand. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I couldn't... I didn't, I'm just SO sorry." Holding each other. In the quad. With so many people about. Not caring. Needing it even if we had. "You shouldn't forgive me, I almost don't want you to. I don't deserve it, NEVER deserve it." "Please don't say things like that. Make it up to me by not tearing yourself down all the time. I love you. I understand." "You shouldn't though," I'm scared to say what's next, but it's necessary. "I'm not sure I would." Instead of pulling away, he holds me tighter. One hand clamped against my head, the other on my shoulder. "You would. This is what I was talking about. When you need it, I'm here for you, but please be there for yourself too. I love you. You deserve me. You would forgive me because you love me too." "How'd you get so confident?" He smiles weakly. "This guy I kinda loved for a long time told me he loved me too. Ever since then I've felt a bit like I could fly." Back to full frontal holding. Tears all around, but it's together this time and we kiss each other's tears away. Weak, from the night and the all-draining events of the morning, but happy. Gently happy. Hesitantly. The love is an actual current through us. Being like this now I could almost laugh at my former self. The one who stupidly allowed Simon to leave. How undeservingly lucky I am that he let himself be called back. If he hadn't, I might not have survived. How could I have thought for a second that I'd be able to live without him? But the other stuff. They said a girlfriend. They meant it. So how does that fit, you may ask. I don't know, but right now he's holding me, and it's all I can feel. Later, after more of this we realize a bit where we are and what we're doing, and it's in both of us to get out of there, so we almost scurry into the school even though it's code to walk slowly with heads raised. Always proud. Inside, Rowan's still steaming, but it vanishes when he sees Simon's face, and our hands. He hugs us both. I feel a bit like Ro's come through it with us, and it shows on him as well. In a semi-circle group hug is how Stace and Kevin find us. "What on earth?" Stacy half-gasps, noticing 2 tear stained faces and Ro, who's a bit flushed still. "El's parents know." The simple explanation is enough. "Ah," Kevin says. Stacy does similarly. "Caused trouble?" Kevin. I half shake my head, half nod, was me after all. "It was more me really. How I reacted." Simon squeezes my shoulder. "But it's okay now?" Still Kevin. "Yes, because of them." I say, I had nothing to do with it really. "Please try." Simon whispers to remind me of his request. I smile at him, the others didn't hear but I mouth, "I will." I'm waiting for Kevin to ask about solutions but he doesn't and, come to think of it, I don't think he will. He's taking a back seat on this one, letting us sort it out on our own. "Where's Rob?" Usually, no one would think to ask. He floats around. It's great fun when he decides to hang with us, but doesn't make that decision all the time. Enough though. Enough for me to really like him and to be grateful to him. I wouldn't mind him right now. He'd be brave enough to tease me and I think it'd make us all feel better. But he's not about. Bugger. "Dunno, he wasn't especially big on regular school attendance anyway. The past weeks I don't think he's had a single absence. Unheard of. Maybe it was time for a vacation." It's weird sometimes. The lives we led before. Friends that were once mine, Rob who was once Simon's, they are now all OURS. And I think we've all changed because of that. Morning assembly, then classes. Lunch. Not much talk, we have a class together, Simon and I, and we sit beside but don't say much. He's not angry with me though, because every once in awhile he'll rub his leg against mine or touch my hand when reaching over to borrow my eraser or ruler. Pretty much each time he does this it's followed by some crack or intensified stare but we've learned to be oblivious at least some of the time. It's a game of half-and-half. Half the time pretending as if we hadn't even heard, the other half of the time full out, in-your-face raging back and rubbing it in, challenging. No one ever takes the challenge, thank goodness, not when we give it. It's another rule of some kind. You go for your enemies when they don't expect you, not when they're out and out daring you to try something. There's still my parents. There's still what needs to be done there. And I'm not even sure what that IS yet. But at least we know we're going to be together. I've realized it, and he's been assured it, so I have to believe it's going to be okay. The Punk All day, every time I touched him, Elliot would sort of shiver and sigh, though I don't think he noticed himself doing it, because I think in a way he was half expecting us to never touch each other again, and it seemed so much more to him because of it. I kind of hope so at least, 'cause I had similar fears myself, and that's what I felt, which is why I spent the whole day 'feeling him up'. Only it wasn't dirty, which is how that kinda makes it sound. I'm still worried though. Like MEGA worried. What will his parents DO? What can they do? Could they turn us in to authority or something? I've no idea what's legal and not these days, but I could go on the net about it I suppose. Ask mum! That's it, I bet she knows all about these things. When school ends, none of us know what to do. Elliot and I can't go to his place, and the others don't seem to want to leave us in our 'time of need'. "Food," Stacy declares. "Let's go to the chippy on the corner and eat something, we can all talk and think there." At the chippy, in a big curved booth all squished together, we sit in silence, thinking being the first order of business. But you better believe I'm holding El's hand under the table and giving it squeezes about every 3 seconds. "I've had about enough thinking," Ro announces after almost 10 minutes. Relieves some of the tension. We've ordered and our food comes and we eat it, still not really talking much. If you want the truth I bet it's 'cause no one has any ideas and to say that out loud would be too depressing. "Damn," I say. "Mum, I've forgotten again. I'll be right back, I need to call." I almost want to take Elliot with me, but that would be silly, so I just give his hand an extra squeeze, and wiggle my way out of the booth. "Hello, Mum?" I say once someone, who I assume MUST be my mum since there's never anyone else at our house, picks up the phone. "Blast it, Simon, why is it that you always manage to forget to call on the days when something dramatic happens?" She sounds a mix of exasperated and relieved to be hearing from me at last. "Whatch you mean? What's happened?" "Don't play daft, boy," a fiver says she's shaking her head at me. "Honestly, Mum, I don't know what you mean!" After all, HOW could she know about Elliot's parents, they wouldn't- "I got an extremely distressing letter today from a lawyer-" "A lawyer! Shit! What have they done to us?" "Ah, so you DO know then." How could she be smug at a time like this? Mothers are terrible creatures. "Well, er, I mean, I didn't know how YOU could know so I sorta thought..." "Never mind all that. From the letter I gathered that Elliot's parents have discovered your relationship such as it is and, my son, they've applied for a restraining order to keep you away from Elliot." "What?! Can they even do that? I mean, we go to the same school and..." "Not for long, I'm afraid, dear he's being sent-" "NO! This isn't happening! It can't be happening..." "My poor darling, I know it must hurt. But it's not forever." "Not forever?! I may never see him again after today, Mum, you have to stop this!" "I don't think I can, Simon, we've nowhere near their money and he is their son, underaged and under their control." "Mum, I can't... this isn't... If today's all we have left, then I have to go and be with him now. I'll come home eventually but, can we forget curfew tonight?" "Simon, please don't do anything rash, promise me you won't try and run away or hide him or something?" "Bye, Mum," "Si-" Yes, I hung up on my own mother, I know that seems like a pretty terrible thing to do, but, I couldn't promise, and didn't want to lie. When I get back to the booth Elliot reads me right away. He jumps up and we're intertwined in an instant. "What's happened now?" he asks sadly after awhile. I can just barely stand to look at him while I deliver the news. Elliot is naturally devastated, but the others, still sitting, are looking equally stunned. "I won't go," Elliot states firmly, but in the end probably rather pointlessly. "How could you not? What other alternative do we have?" "Any arrangement that involves us not being together is unacceptable to me. There has to be another way." The gears are going in all our heads but I can't help feeling hopeless. "What we need is more info," Kevin says eventually. "First off, Elliot, best guesses on where they'd send you?" Elliot ponders the question for a few moments. "Price or Camiet probably, private schools with good academic records, secluded locations, dorms." He shrugs. "One or the other definitely." "Not a military school or perhaps even to the States?" He shakes his head. "No, they aren't really all that concerned about ME in the end, I don't think. I mean, I'VE got the strong Brenner blood in me, as far as I can tell they figure once they get Simon out of the way I'll go back to normal. Plus, it's no and no to military or the States 'cause they hate Americans and abhor the army." "Then it's not so dark after all. I know fellows at both those schools, all good blokes who'd be fine to help us out." Rowan's beginning to look excited. "Help us do what exactly?" I ask him. "Sneak Elliot out every once and awhile for late night rendezvous and such. You know, 'under the cover of darkness' stuff. You'll be able to see each other some at least, and underground letter correspondence, fake vacations spent with one of them really together, we can fake everything if we put the effort in, the sky's the limit really." Kevin, (who else?!) looking dubious, refrains from speaking but doesn't exactly give Ro a hearty pat on the back for his efforts. However, Elliot's reaction is the one I care about, and I look at him carefully. He's looking what I would call 'cautiously hopeful'. A miracle solution hasn't been discovered, but the world hasn't exactly ended either. "What do you think, El?" I ask, in case I'm dead wrong at reading him on this one. He nearly smiles. "It's better than nothing, and I'll live with it if we have to, but I can't help feeling angry and stupid." "Stupid?" "Well, don't think at all that I'm blaming you or anything, Simon, but I should have known not to come out at school, not 'cause of the clique thing but just 'cause of my olds. But at the time I was so dead set on proving to you that I really DID love you, I thought it would be the only way. I'm as proud now to be with you as I ever was, prouder, but back then I think I was a bit too drunk on the idea and I let us endanger ourselves." So I wasn't the only one then, who had been beating themselves up about allowing the other one to go public. But in the end I don't think either of is really at fault, it's just a crap deal that his parents are homophobes. "I'd been feeling the same," I say. "But I don't think it was our fault really, just bad luck. But it's still shit." "Is it really all we can do? That late night rendezvous stuff?" I shrug. "I can't come up with anything better. I hate that I'm dragging you out of school and away from all your friends." The three of them smile sadly at us and Elliot pats my knee. "It's alright. We're both going to feel guilty, I guess." "What have you to feel guilty about?" "Well, just as you feel bad about causing me to be sent away, as if it was really your fault anyway, I feel bad about leaving you behind. Alone to deal with all the crap at school. I feel a bit like I'm abandoning you." He's serious about this, and seems to be taking it very hard. He's so low on himself all the time! I hug him right there in the booth. "You aren't, please. We can't let them get us all upset, I suppose it's 'what they want' or something like that." "Exactly!" Rowan. "Gotta stay strong and all that. Guilt tripping yourselves won't help matters. Planning is what we need to be doing now, and then later you should have some time alone, I imagine." Thank-goodness for Rowan. But thank-goodness for the others as well. Kevin's our solid sensible head, Stacy's the mother hen and occasionally the joker, if Rowan's taking a breath, that is. We do our planning. Rowan is off calling his 'contacts' at the 2 schools for awhile and returns with good news that they will be happy to help. In fact, it's sort of a tradition apparently. According to Rowan's mates, kids are always getting shipped to Price and Camiet when their parents are trying to hide them or get them out of 'troubled' situations. There are pairs of boys, boys and girls, pot smokers, gamblers, gangers, all manner of things. And the underground network for getting whatever you need has been perfected and is something of a place of pride among students. With all that they are supposed to be good schools as well. Rowan jokes that he'd be happy to go in Elliot's place, stating that it sounds like they have more fun at either school than we do at ours. None of this gets Elliot especially excited but I think the gloom lifts a bit. About five we tell the others nicely to shove off and spend barely 5 minutes alone in the place before leaving ourselves. We walk aimlessly along the streets for a bit, talking and being almost normal. "I'm going to try once more talking to them," Elliot says a bit suddenly as we're browsing around a record store I like. "You know, see if I can talk them out of it, or at least SOME of it. Like the restraining order-that's garbage! Who knows if it'll work but I've got to at least try, eh?" I nod slightly. "I guess, I'd just hate to see things get worse somehow." Elliot actually laughs. "How could they?" The Preppie I'm sort of beating myself up mentally all through our evening 'hanging out', actually trying to find more and more ways that this whole situation is MY fault. I'd voice some of it but I don't want Simon to know. He'd just give me a pep talk again and it's sweet of him to do and all that, but it doesn't really make me feel better, just like a baby or something and it gets him upset which would just be another problem caused by yours truly. I'm half desperate to get home and give talking to my olds one last go and half unable to even consider leaving Simon's side. It's not like we're doing much of anything we don't always do, which is just how I like it. If tonight's to be our last 'normal' night together for who knows how long until all the subterfuge and cloak and dagger stuff starts, there's no point in us being all clingy and soppy with each other. Though I imagine some of that sort of thing will come out when we do eventually attempt to leave each other. The only... okay, ONE of the problems with going to talk to my olds is that I should probably return home at something resembling a 'respectable' hour so as to not upset them further; of course, they might have expected me home directly after the close of the school day, so there's that idea shot right to hell already. "What day is it?" I ask, feeling incredibly stupid to be doing so. We're up to his house by this point, sitting on his bed. It's about nine and my car's parked out front. "Um, I dunno, Wednesday?" He glances at the PINK FLOYD calendar his grandmum sent him for Christmas and nods. "Yeah, Wednesday. Why?" I feel like smacking myself, and do in my head. "I'm in school for the rest of the week! I can't believe I'm so stupid! I'm not leaving tonight, it's Saturday that I go! I spent the whole day thinking it was a Friday. Can you believe that?" "It's great!" he says, grinning jaw-crackingly wide. "We've 2 whole more days together now!" He hugs me and we both laugh. "Should I wait then, do you think? To talk to them, I mean. Like what if I do, now, and they yank me right away, I don't think they'll lose too much sleep over me missing 2 days. Should I leave it until Friday?" He looks torn, how I feel. "Only then, you're stuck in that awful feeling of limbo for the next bit. I mean, what if they agreed to something a little more 'reasonable'? Then you'd have put yourself through all that misery for nothing." "They're not being very reasonable so far, I don't have much hope that that will change." "Then why talk to them at all, if you know the result already?" I shrug. "I think I just need to, for me. And maybe to prove to myself I can stick up to them. Mostly, in the end, I want to do it so you and I both know that I think you're worth fighting for. I just sort of sat there like a lump while they railed on you the last time, and then how I acted when you first came over that night. I'm still sorry about that, by the way." He smiles sadly. "I told you it was okay, give yourself a break. I don't want you to hurt yourself 'proving' yourself to me. I know you love me. It's okay." "You know I love you, yes, but do you know that I'll fight for you? Take risks to be with you, 'lose face' to be open about how I love you. Do you know all that, 'cause that's more of what I'm getting at with this whole thing." "But of course I know all that! You faced it everyday at school when you were with me. You've got nothing to prove." "I think I do, I failed you miserably last night and even if it is just for my own feeling of self worth and value I feel I have to do this. Okay?" "Can I come?" Definitely an idea that hadn't occurred to me. "Can you come?" He smiles. "Yeah, when you talk to your olds. Can I talk to them with you?" "I'm not sure that'd help." "Yes. but you said there probably wasn't any hope anyway! At least if I go with you, you won't be all on your own, you know, 2 on 2, that sort of thing? Plus, then I'll see you in action, 'fighting for me' and all that." "Don't make fun," his grin softens. "I wasn't trying to, honestly. But can I come?" I sigh. "I suppose." Pause. "Yeah! Why not? I bet it'll help me a lot to have you there. Do come then, Si, but back to when?" "I say we just do it now. Get it over with. We could drive over now." For a minute he's silent and I think we're just going to go but suddenly he snaps his fingers and jumps off the bed, looking inspired. "Elliot!" he exclaims. "I've just had the most brilliant idea! Well, it might not work, but we have to at least try it, immediately!" "What? What do you mean?" He's calming down a bit. "Can you act?" "Act?" Extremely puzzled. "Yes, act! See, here's the idea. We pretend we've broken up, or rather, YOU pretend you've dumped me. Drive home with me for most of the way, but let me off a few blocks away. Go in by yourself and tell them some crap about how you've realized the error of your ways and have let me go, add in a bit about how glad you are they wanted to help you as well. Then I'LL rush in and beg you to take me back for a little while, you'll yell at me and someone will throw me out of the house." "How will that change anything?" He smiles. "Best case scenario, you're able to convince them not to transfer you-'cause you don't want to be away from all your great friends, of course-and even if that doesn't work, the 'sent' will be put off a bit, and they'll be less likely to watch you closely if you do end up getting shipped away. What do you think?" I hug him. "You were right, it IS a brilliant idea. I'm just barely brave enough to try it. But you have to promise not to be hurt at all or anything like that by what I might have to say so they'll believe me, okay?" "Of course, the harsher the better, call me white trash if you like, if it works even the slightest bit, I won't care." "Okay," I say, kissing him. "I love you, hear that now before all the rest of it. I love you forever, okay?" More kissing. "Trust that?" "Yep, and me too." In the car I say, "Now this isn't me being down on myself or even both of us, but I can't help feeling that even if we do get what we're hoping for and I'm allowed to stay on, well, feeling a bit like we've 'lost this round'." "How so?" Simon asks me. "Well it's just that we got in this mess in the first place 'cause we wanted to be open about our relationship and now if I am able to stay, we'll have to pretend not to know or care about each other all over again. And that's IF I can stay, which is a LARGE if." "Yeah," Simon says after awhile. "But at the beginning, if you'll remember, we didn't even mean to be open about the gay thing, just friends, right? We'd no way of knowing everyone would take it to that next level so automatically. Sure we could have denied it but really, that would have been very tough, and rather stupid. You see, El, we really couldn't have known it would all turn out like it has and even if we had, I'm still not totally sure we did things the wrong way." Before I can cut in he continues. "Really, Elliot. Maybe it was what we needed at the time, to prove ourselves to each other like you talked about. It'll be okay in the end whether you go to another school or stay where we are. I'm in this till the very end and, well, when we're like 40 a few terms of 5th and 6th form won't seem like so much." Did I say that, talking to Simon about stuff and telling him a bit of what I feel wouldn't help any? Well, forget about that, it was crap. He makes me feel better. ALWAYS. When no one else can. Nothing more is said for a few more blocks until Simon suggests this is where I should let him off. I get out of the car as well and we hug and kiss behind a tree after looking around a bit, it's dark anyway. "I love you SO much, nothing will ever change that, okay?" "Yes," he says breathlessly as we continue kissing. "And I love you too, more than ever." Once we're broken away once more. "More than ever?" I say curiously. "That's right, El, I love you more, just 'cause I know you more. And you really have been quite wonderful through the end of this, I know you didn't like how you handled it in the beginning and to be honest neither did I, but you got a hold of yourself like I knew you would and I love you, Elliot, and I won't ever stop." "Oh please don't," I say and we kiss even more. I told you we were going to get soppy, didn't I? Well, I was right. "Alright, alright, you have to get going, I'll run my way over in a few minutes, make it about 10 or so, see you then?" "It will be very hard." He smiles. "Yes but imagine if it works! Come on, you'll be brilliant! Remember McDougal?" One last, final kiss, well, what's supposed to be the last kiss. Only I'm still scared. Petrified, in fact. "What if it doesn't work though?" I ask, surprising him a bit, making him turn around. Then I'm in his arms and he's kissing me. "Sush. It WILL. But even if it doesn't, we'll manage. We're forever, El." I make a sound that's very nearly a whimper and he hugs me more, hard. Suddenly, an idea. "Marry me." 'What' is the expression on his face. But I know what it is I want-what I need. "Marry me. Right now. We promise now to each other that it really IS forever. No matter what. Even if I do get sent away." He doesn't look wholly convinced. "I don't think I'll be able to say horrible things to you if we don't, Simon." He's still a bit confused. "But we've not even..." "I know. All the better! I didn't want to before I got married anyway. I know we're young, or whatever, but I need us to do this. Please?" "Well, of course. Only..." Something's holding him back. "I NEED this, Simon, I honestly do." He has a soft, gentle look on his face. Not the usual Simon look, not the rebel now. "I love you. I'll marry you. Now if you'd like. But YOU must promise ME that if we do do it now, you'll remember it fondly. Happily. I don't want us to say our hearts' deepest love for each other when we're feeling sad or depressed. Not a shotgun, pregnancy wedding either. I won't marry you because I feel it's something we 'should' do for whatever reason. Only because I love you totally and permanently." Oh, I'm crying. Happy tears at a time like this. "Yes though, Simon. All that. It's just what I want. I love you." Kissing, there on the street, in the blue dark. "Where, right here?" I look around. "Maybe back in the car?" "The back, so we can be facing each other." We crawl in, clasp hands and lock eyes. Suddenly I laugh. Then he laughs. We collapse into completely uncontrollable fits of hysterical laughter. Goes on forever. Near the end we keep saying, "okay, okay" over and over but this just starts us laughing all over again. Somehow we manage eventually. Back to eye contact and hand holding. "Who starts?" he asks. I smile. "Me." He waits. "Simon Kelly," I being feeling not the slightest bit daft. "You are my everything. None of the joy I felt before you compares with what I feel when I'm just being 'regular' with you. I can't imagine any way of finding happiness if you're not in the centre of it. I want to make myself worthy of you while at the same time knowing it'll probably never happen. I want to take care of you and have you take care of me. I want to grow old with you. I want you forever and I give myself for you to have forever right now." I get through all that not crying! Full marks. He tries to hug me but I hold him off. He understands. "Elliot, I love you. What I feel every time I see you, or talk to you, or even THINK about you, well, it's simple. It's love. Whatever else is happening, it's always love. If I'm mad or sad or worried I can still always know that at least I love you and have your love to draw strength and courage from. I don't want to ever be apart from you, but even if it happens that physically we are separated, I will never leave you in my heart. Now, here today, yesterday, tomorrow, all the tomorrows after that, I love you. YOU. Everything that you are. Forever." THEN we hug. Tearfully, joyfully, weak with emotion. We draw back. He can grin through his tears and I find so can I. "May I kiss the bride?" he asks devilishly. I take a swing at him, which he easily ducks. "You horrible bastard! I can't believe you. I take it back. I hate you." He just laughs and sneaks in to steal a kiss. I grab his head and we snog for what must be 15 minutes. We whisper 'I love you' over and over while we kiss. Gasping up for air at last. "El, El," he pants. "You've REALLY got to go." He gives me a hard looking over. Rubs at my cheeks a bit. "I suppose you'll be okay. I mean, your lips are swollen a bit but hopefully they won't notice or understand." He smiles at me. "You're my husband now, Elliot, and I'm yours, till death do us part." I DO whimper this time. "Don't talk about death, not for a long time." He nods and gives me his bravest smile. "Never if you like. But you must go, you can do it, I know you can. I'll be there with you through all of it, remember that. See you soon?" Another go at the final kiss thing, and it works this time. I'm able to let him get out of the car, and though it's extremely difficult I drive off. (Edit by Ed)