Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2004 16:46:12 -0600 From: Karla Schulz Subject: The Preppie and The Punk Chapter Five I'd just like to say - 'if you smelled like bacon, I'd probably like you more' and then cry. For personal reasons. Enjoy the chapter. --- The Preppie I enter the house quietly, feeling more than a bit scared if I'm honest. My parents are both home, as I expected them to be. They are sitting in the living room. I do my best at looking forlorn and give some fake tears to mix with the old ones from Simon a go before stepping into the room. They look up at me, actually looking concerned though it almost makes me want to puke seeing them like that when they're knowingly ruining my life. "Hi," I say weakly, trying to look as pitiful as possible. "Darling, what's wrong?" Mum asks. As if she didn't know! "Well, you see..." "You had better not be upset over that awful... boy, Elliot," my father says sternly but at the same time almost kindly. I shake my head. "No, well, not like you might think. I've..., well, I've dumped him." "That's wonderful, pet!" Mum says, getting up and hugging me. I'm such a wreck anyway, crying into her shoulder isn't much trouble at all. "I'm just so sorry! I can't believe I ever disgraced our family like that, Mum, Dad, can you forgive me?" How could they not?! Staring into my bloodshot eyes, looking at my sad tear-streaked face, pleading with them. "Of course we forgive you, love," Mum says, stroking my head gently. "We never blamed you, never. It was just that awful child's wicked influence on you, I knew right from the start he was trouble, the clothes he was wearing." And I'd thought they weren't snobs. "But that's all over now. We've decided to send you to Price, it's a lovely school and there you will be able to make lots of good, proper new friends and they have dances with their sister school Eilmdale often and perhaps you'll be able to meet a nice girl who can help you get back on your feet again." "But, Mum," I say, giving the performance of my life. "Can't I stay at Browt? I've got so many good friends there, and, Mum! I think I can get Simon to leave me alone." "I don't think so, dear," she says, still petting me. "He seemed like a very determined young man, and besides, if the friends you have there are such good ones, why didn't they try to stop you from," she clears her throat. "Getting involved with that boy in the first place?" That's an easy one, Mum. "They did! Oh Mum, many of them did. And they'll help me now too, if I ask them to, I just wouldn't listen before." It hits me just as I'm saying it that that's exactly true. The lads would be overjoyed to have me back again, I bet, having renounced the whole queer thing, but the problem is, if that happens they'll lord it over Simon like nothing else. The treatment he's been getting so far will look like a cakewalk compared to the harassment he'll get if I come back to the school pretending to think he's dirty and hating him. They'll destroy him. I'm frozen all over again, realizing this but Mum has no time to say anything because Simon chooses that exact moment to blaze in, panting from his 'run'. "Elliot," he gasps. "Please, Elliot, we must talk, please?" I'd believe him if I didn't know, and they fall for it quite fine. "Get out of 'ere, you lousy git!" Dad shouts. "Elliot has nothing to say to you!" Simon looks at me hopefully and I shake myself out of it. "I don't want to be around you anymore, you faggot! I'm not like you, I'm NOT! You made me think I was but I'm just NOT! Never was! I'm sorry I ever even met you, poofer! Never come near me again, all right! I can't stand to even look at you! Don't you dare come to my home and upset my mother like this ever again!" (it WAS nice of her to cry so on cue like that) "Get out or I'll call the police, I will!" Simon lets a look of rage take over his face. "You think you're so much better than me! Fuckin' snob, I should have known you weren't like me, just trying it on, eh? What was I to you anyway? Just some replacement girl?" I can only BARELY stand it, seeing him look like that, I want so desperately to take him in my arms and tell him over and over again how much I love him. But I can't, because it's going SO well and I can see my parents weakening, so I must continue. ' "That's right! But you never came close, sure you look a bit like a girl with all that makeup you wear, but in the end you just don't cut it, queer. I could have any girl I wanted in the school, I don't know why I ever wasted my time with a loser fag like you. Now GET OUT!!!" After giving me and both my parents a horrible, hateful glare, Simon runs out of the house. I sink into a nearby chair. I've never felt more totally knackered in my entire life. Never once have I said even a FRACTION of that many nasty, awful things at once to another person, and saying them to SIMON, the person I love most in the entire world, even if he did know I meant none of it, it's still all much more than I can take. I can only hope they think I'm weak with rage or something like that. I do my best to finish the job. "Oh, Mum," she rushes over and kneels at my feet. "Maybe I shouldn't have said those things, I mean, he is QUEER and all, but another human being too, right? I shouldn't have let him get to me, but Mum, you just looked so upset and I couldn't bear it..." "Hush, child," she says, rocking me in her arms as I cry, though she doesn't know that the tears I'm crying are for Simon and not for her or even myself. "It's not your fault, anyone would have been upset, it's alright." Dad's sort of left and come back by this point. "Couldn't see any sign of 'im. You told him off good, Son, I don't think we'll be having any more trouble out of that freak." He looks down at me and I get up to meet his eyes. He gives me a rough hug. "I'm sorry this ever had to happen to you, Son, but now it's over and we can all just forget about it." I nod and he gives his head a shake in the direction of the stairs. I obediently creep out of the room and start up the stairs. I fake it after going about halfway, a trick they STILL fall for, and am able to hear everything they say to each other. "I am so relieved that's over, Douglas!" my mother says and I hear her sitting down heavily on the chair I left. "I was so frightened he was going to stay one of those." "Never entered my mind, Ella, we know our boy, he's a good lad. Just got led astray, and we can forgive him that, can't we?" "Oh of course, Douglas! I never blamed dear Elliot." "I know you didn't. Neither did I. You know, Ella, I've been thinking, don't you think we should just let him stay on at Browt? I mean, why unsettle him any further? His mates will look after him now that he's got his head out of the sand, we know we can count on Tommy," Tommy Chad! So that's who it was! The rat, I've always hated that kid, snively little follower. I'd kill him. "How 'bout it? We both saw the way that freak ran out of here-he won't be giving Elliot any more trouble. I say we let him stay." "I think you may be right. Yes, Douglas, after dinner we'll talk to him a bit more and if he feels confident that boy won't bother him anymore, he can stay. After all, he has been going to that school an awful long time now, he's settled in. It's a fine school, I'll have a talk with Headmaster McDougal and if he assures me the staff will keep an eye out for Elliot then I'll feel perfectly safe sending him there again." I let out the hugest yet silent breath of relief and am about to quietly slink up the rest of the stairs when I hear my mum sigh and clear her throat, clearly not finished the conversation quite yet. I ease myself back down and strain my ears to hear more. "Douglas, do you think, could he really, be, well, homosexual?" I'm startled and filled with fear, hearing this. Hadn't she believed me? "What! Of course not! You saw, heard what he said! He's a good boy. Ella, our son is NOT a homosexual. He can't be. He obviously wouldn't want to be either." His voice is a mix of outrage and shock. "It's not that it wouldn't break my heart. It's just," for a moment I'm almost certain she's going to say more-something more about believing everything wasn't exactly as it appeared but then her voice alters and she pushes out a laugh. "I'm sorry, Douglas, I haven't an idea what got into me there for a moment. You're right, Elliot is perfectly normal. It was just a phase, perhaps a rebellion against us?" But who was she reassuring? My dad or herself? I couldn't tell. "Perhaps, but whatever it was, it's over. We shall all forget about it." I can't see their faces, but I'm certain my dad has a smug yet comforting smile on his face. "I'm sure we will," she agrees hastily. Something in her voice though. Odd. But she couldn't suspect. She simply couldn't. I leave then, though I'm not even entirely sure the conversation is done, this time wanting to leave lest if I stayed I would hear more unsettling things. The Punk I'm up the entire night feeling worse-if that's possible-than the night before, wondering how things went with Elliot's olds. Mum and I end up having a 3am chat about everything because she couldn't sleep either, she told me it was knowing how much pain and worry I was feeling that did it for her. I really do love my mum. I don't tell her about the marrying thing, not yet, but I will. In the morning I want to get to school dead early but figure it wouldn't do much good since assuming our plan worked, Elliot would be needing to act normal and not look overeager. I'm early anyway and so are all the others. Rob is still unaccounted for but not nearly enough time has passed to start worrying. We patrol the halls but find no sign of Elliot before Morning Assembly and I'm off to a class not with Elliot right after that so I'm left still wondering. I do see him at break and it almost breaks my heart. He's standing in a pack of preps, all looking smug and treating him all chummily, and I hate each one more than the first. I can't meet his eyes but I think he saw me and I know I saw sadness behind the smiling bravado. As much as it kills me I have to walk away without speaking to him. We get to each other, FINALLY, at the end of the day, following an extremely, and possibly unnecessarily, long, complicated route where we both took wrong turns and ducked and weaved all over the place until we eventually ended up at the same booth in a dive so horrible looking we're the only ones in the place. The others would have come along but it was decided that it would be too difficult to hide five. "Goodness, Elliot!" I shout when all he does is stare at me with a blissed-out smile on his face. "WHAT HAPPENED?!" Did it work?! Are you staying?!" His smile begins to look a little more normal. "Yes, I'm staying." Unable to help myself, I let out a rather large 'whoop'. Chuckling, Elliot shushes me. "Quiet! We're under cover now, can't be too careful." "In my mind, I'm kissing you." He smiles more. "I know, darling, me too." "So you're staying, excellent-but tell me everything, details, how did it all come to pass?" "It was simple really, I told them I had dumped you and apologized tearfully for disgracing the family, then made my bid to stay 'cause of not wanting to lose touch with friends and pretty much right after that you arrived and well, you know that part. Then afterwards there were hugs all around and Dad gave me the 'it's behind us' speech and I was sent up to my room. I eavesdropped from the stairs and overheard my dad convincing my mum to let me stay on. That's about all." "I'm not surprised, you were very good." He sighs. "Good? It was the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life. I felt SO guilty. I wish I hadn't had to say those things to you," "I know you didn't mean them," I assure him, smiling. "Yes, but still. It was horrible." I nod. "Yeah, I'll admit. It was very odd, to put it mildly, to hear you saying things like that-but it worked! You can stay, it's fantastic!" Elliot seems unable to help frowning. "I know I'm a broken record of gloom but I'm not even sure my staying will be the best thing. I mean, now we have to pretend to HATE each other, we can't protect each other any more or comfort each other, only it won't be me in trouble at all, it'll be all on you. It's going to be 10 times worse for you now, do you realize that, Simon? Now that I've 'rejected' you? The whole gang is thrilled about it." I smile sadly. "I figured that would happen." "You'd figured it out even before and you still suggested it? Knowing what you'd be putting yourself through? Why on earth?" I grab his hand and squeeze it. "Either way, I knew we were going to get screwed out of seeing each other during the day, but El, if you'd been sent to boarding school we NEVER would have seen each other hardly. All that sneaking around, getting you off grounds or me on, the extra transportation, all that. This way you'll still be at your home and if your parents think it's over between us, in a few weeks they might start treating you like normal again, going away often. Then we'll be able to see each other plenty! You see?" He gives me the first big, real smile I've seen since the start of this over 48 hours ago. "You're brilliant." I laugh. "I'm not, I'm just determined not to lose you." "My mum said that," "Eh?" "That you were determined." I shrug. "Well, that's one correct bit of character judging for her out of how many wrong ones, I guess. Can we go do something? When do you have to be home? Let's go to mine," He shakes his head. "Can't probably. It's what?" "Nearly four." "Yeah, I should be going home, it's too early to try anything, I think. I'll give you a lift though." "Best to not, I guess, just to be extra careful, you know. I can walk easily enough from here. Maybe you can call me once the olds have gone to bed, I'll turn my ringer down so Mum doesn't hear. But if you can't, goodnight now and I love you until we meet again," Quietly he says, "Bathroom, let's go, we can say goodbye properly in there if it's empty." I chuckle. "Naughty boy! Where do you come up with these ideas?" Anyway we go, and it is, so we do. Then we part and I walk home slowly in a round about way, again, just in case. A call from Rowan in the early evening. "Hey, how'd it go?" "With his olds?" "Shit yes, what else could I mean?" I smile. "Dunno, something else." "Twat! Tell me!" "Well, I'm stalling and joking around-you figure it out." "He stays! Brilliant!" "Smart boy." "The SMARTEST!" "YOU'RE the twat." "Am not," "Are too," "Er," "Yeah." "What was that we were just doing?" "I'm not sure." "It felt..." "A bit like..." "Flirting." "Right." I frown. "Well, um," "Meaningless. It was just silly anyway," "Right." "Come on now, you can do it, put together a proper sentence, make teacher proud." "Shuttup, twat." "Yeah, okay, for you." "To make things less awkward, you're supposed to STOP flirting with me." "So fluttering my eyelashes like I am right now probably isn't helping?" "Sod. You're not. I can't even see you." "So how do you know what I am or am not doing?" "SIGH. Ro, please." "Yes, alright. Because I love you." "Rowan!" Laughter on his end. "Sorry, sorry. Couldn't help myself. But honestly, Si, it's not like I'm going to try and steal you away or anything," "You wouldn't succeed even if you did," "I know, and I'm much too lazy to try and fight losing battles so you've nothing to worry about." It's a bit daft, since he can't even see me, but I smile again. "Good, so it's forgotten?" "Oh, I wouldn't go that far, mate, you never know when this could come in handy for blackmailing purposes." "Idiot! As if he would believe you." "Right enough, so yes, forgotten. Now, on to business. How are things going to work at school?" "Well, we aren't going to speak to each other or be friendly or anything like that, you know, pretty much ignore each other." "Well, I KNEW that, I meant what about me, Kevin, and Stacy?" Oh. Oh. "I hadn't thought about that." "Give it some then, eh?" "What do you think we should do, I mean, you're all part of the vote on this one." "Mmmhmm, what we'll do is I'll call them, we'll all have a chat and then I'll ring you again. Okay?" "Yep," "Anyway of reaching Elliot?" "Not from my end, one of you might try though. I think Stacy might be the safest bet." "Too right! Stacy'll work for sure. Right then, talk to you in a few," "Bye, Ro," "Ciao," "Enough with that already," "Fine, bye," "Bye," "Get off the line," "You," "This is getting into dangerous territory again, Si," "I'm hanging up," "Alright," And I do, at last. I go to bed after 11, having tried to stay up, hoping for his call. I'm nearly there, on the warm comfortable edge of sleep when I start to hear a faint ringing in my ear. I'm so close I try to ignore it but then it finally occurs to me it's the phone and probably Elliot. Scrambling around in the dark I get to the phone at last. "Hello?" I whisper urgently. A giggle. He's actually GIGGLING. I lie down on my back. "My love," "You know, it just occurred to me before I called-this is our first day as husband and husband. Not exactly how we might have hoped to spend it." "The theme of our honeymoon is 'pretend you don't know each other'. I thought you'd like it." He laughs this time. "I adore you." "I know." "I meant everything I said. It wasn't just because I thought we were going to be separated." "I know that too." "Good." "You're not worried I said what I did because I thought we were going to be separated as well?" A comfortable sigh. "No, I trust you." "Just not yourself?" "Right." "I wish you would." "I'm trying but..." "Isn't there something that I can do-you say you know I love you." "I know you love me, I can feel it. Only, a lot of the time I don't think you should, I almost wish you wouldn't." "You really mean that?" I'm horrified. "I don't, I guess. The 'noble' part of me maybe. But I'd die without your love now that I've experienced it." "I feel the same, Elliot. Before you can say anything, just listen to me. I NEED your love. I want it as much or more than you want mine. I didn't marry a prat, please don't start acting like one." "It's our wedding night." I grin, happy at his light sounding tone. "You're right." "What should we do?" "Make sweet passionate love to each other?" We both crack up. I hear movement outside my door. "Oh shit, Elliot. I think my mum's outside." "Didn't you turn down the ringer?" "Yeah, but I banged around getting to the phone." He chuckles. Through the door my mum says, "Not too much longer, okay, Simon? You do have school tomorrow. Say hello to Elliot for me." "Thanks, Mum, night," I say and hear her leave. "Did you hear that?" I say, talking back into the phone. "You bet I did! She's a fantastic woman." "Yeah." "I'm jealous." "I wish you didn't have a reason to be." He was half joking, but I'm entirely serious. "Well, me too, but let's not talk about that. I had the biggest laugh earlier-can you imagine us having phone sex?" I thought I was laughing before. Nothing compared to this. "You are the most gormless idiot in the entire world." "And you're stuck with me for life." "Yeah," I say, sighing happily. "And longer." "You talked to Rowan," "Yes, he called me after Stacy talked to you. What do you think?" "About pretending to date her?" "Yes," "Honestly?" "Of course," "I'd rather date you," teasingly. "Sod." "Okay, okay. I don't know actually, can't say I'm the hugest fan. After all, it's not her place to save my arse. How must Kevin feel about it?" "He's okay truly, or so he tells Rowan. I think he's being honest though. Elliot, it has to happen, you have to seal the deal or you'll get ridden about it forever." "And what about you?" "I'm stuffed either way, at least one of us should be allowed to get some relief." "Still-me date Stacy?! Who's going to believe that really? After all, she stuck with me and you," "We've thought of that. What we're going to have her say is that she loved you so much she couldn't bear desert you, and that the whole time she was in secret trying to draw you away from my 'evil' influence. It'll go over fabulously, trust me." "It does sound like it'd work, but it's a rotten move." "Like I said! Save yourself, Elliot, there's no saving me." "It's all my fault." "Honestly, Elliot! It's not! Don't do this, don't act this way." "And what if it's just how I feel?" Yelling at each other now. Just grand. "Please don't let's fight. I'm just trying to get you to see that you're not the enemy here, I'LL know you're still on my side whether some losers I couldn't care less about anyway do or not. And it's either both our faults or neither of our faults, but it's CERTAINLY not 'all your fault.' Is it sinking in?" "Slowly. I'm sorry," "Don't be, just stop acting like that." "Time?" "As much as you need." "You're so good to me." "And you to me, if you'd only realize it." "You know, I'd like to get you something." "Get me something?" "Yes, a token of my affection, sort of. Only, more of a wedding present as well. A ring if that doesn't seem too queer." "We are anyway," "Queer?" "Yeah." "Well, yeah, but, what would you like?" "Nothing, I can't get you anything, it'd make me feel weird." "You give me plenty." "And so do you, you don't have to buy me anything." "Maybe not, but could I still GIVE you something?" "What?" "Something I already own, something that's extremely precious to me." Misty eyed. "That's an idea I like. And me for you. I'll find something perfect, next time we can be alone we'll exchange them." "When will that be?" "We SHOULD try to work that out before we get off the line, shouldn't we? Can't exactly make plans about it at school can we?" "I could duck out of my riding lessons Saturday." "You'd get caught surely?" "No, I'll just bribe the stable boys. I just ride on my own anyway, not like I have an instructor or anything, dunno why they're called 'lessons' actually. It'll be fine. I've done it before." "Have you? When?" Me teasing him this time. "No reason I care to share with you." "Elliot!" He laughs. "I'll let you rot for awhile, I think. That way you can imagine it was something a lot more impressive than it really was." "Alright then, Saturday it is. What time?" "I'll be over by 11. Should we get off? It's been longer than 'not too much longer' by now I imagine?" "Probably, best not to push our luck." "See you tomorrow'd be wrong, I suppose?" "See you Saturday, and don't worry about tomorrow. Remember we're together even if it's not physically." "Goodnight, Simon Brenner." "Goodnight, Elliot Kelly." The Preppie In the morning I have to go through the whole 'good son' routine with my olds. Really, it's no different than any other morning they might happen to be at home except this time I'm talking through my teeth and can hardly stand to look at their smug 'what good parents we are' faces. Whatever was troubling my mum about my performance the night before seems to be gone and her smile easily matches Dad's. I leave as early as I'm able. I'm nervous about going to school but reassure myself that at the very least, it couldn't be any worse than yesterday, especially since we have more of a plan now. When I get out of my car (which I'm now parking close to the school again) it's the second time I'm not met with stares of hatred from everyone I pass. It's also the second time I haven't walked into the school with Simon beside me. I head towards my locker, eyes down, but crash into someone before I arrive. (I really must start paying more attention to where I'm going...) "Watch where you're going, prat!" The someone is Rob, and he is grinning. I dart my eyes around. There are too many people about. If I tried to take him aside and explain the situation, someone would most certainly see. I can only treat him like shit and hope he will forgive me later. "Why don't YOU watch where YOU'RE going and stay out of my face, punk?!" He stares at me, still half-grinning. "What?" "Should I explain it to you another way, huh? Punk?" I jab him in the shoulder to punctuate each question. "Elliot!" Rob says, confused and beginning to sound angry. "Don't fuckin' tempt me," I growl. He backs away, shaking his head in disgust, which is lucky, cause Rob could easily flatten me. "Whatever, Elliot, you want to be a shit, I'm not going to bust my arse trying to stop you." I can only turn away from him and fumble at my lock, trying to remember the combination. I'm nearly in tears when I feel a friendly hand on my shoulder. "Stacy," I say, my voice faltering. She nods and takes me in her arms. "Hush," she says soothingly and strokes my hair. It's so comforting the way SHE does it. "It's all right, he'll understand." "How did you know?" "Oh I saw, lots of people did, it'll be good for you anyway," she says with a small, sad smile. "It's all SO terrible," I half wail. She wipes my cheeks with a pink handkerchief. "You get to pretend to date ME out of the deal, so surely it isn't ALL bad." I laugh, 'cause I feel she deserves it for trying so hard to cheer me up. "Kevin's dead lucky to have you, Stace," I tell her quietly as we walk down the corridor. She looks up at me from under my arms and says, "And Simon's just as lucky to have you." ___________ I'm not quite sure how I managed it, but I've become something of a hero with the other preps and the more ambitious jocks. Some are totally convinced I was faking it the entire time, leading Simon on, only to make dropping him publicly even MORE hilarious and brutal, others just think I've 'gotten over that poofer foolishness' and think I'm going to be all gung-ho now or something. I never realized it, but apparently I was always quite popular. I always tried to be aloof and for that reason they found me almost 'mysterious' and thought I had to be something really special. Kevin, Stacy, and Rowan had been thought of more like my 'minions' than my friends. Which is all totally ridiculous of course, but I'm hardly in a position to tell them anything different. I'm becoming more and more aware though, as the day progresses, that the preps really DO rule the school. I'd just looked down on them so much the whole time I'd never realized it. Minority or not, they have most of the other groups under their thumbs. You'll notice I've been saying 'they', I just can't bear to think of it as 'we'. It'll never be 'we'. Never. ___________ At lunch, I find myself at one of the few long dining hall like tables in the school cafeteria. Mostly it's composed of tables seating 4 and 6, but this one seats 12. And it's full capacity. My loyal girlfriend Stacy is on my right, and on my left Drew Mcray talks my ear off about how glad he is I'm 'back' and actually leeringly asks me if Simon gave 'good blowjobs at least' at one point in the conversation. Every time Simon's name comes up I internally freeze up and luckily so far I haven't blown it, but it's killing me to say terrible things about him and then-what's worse, laugh with the whole rotten lot of them about it. I feel a horrible faker, and a failure too, for having not been able to come up with something better, but at the same time, I feel it's all totally useless, feeling how I do, cause I'm too damn cowardly to do anything about it. I've basically handed him over to the wolves, and Simon STILL loves me. It's incredible. Should have his head examined. There might be something seriously wrong with him. The Punk Entering the school is again much as I expected. 10 times what going in with Elliot was. For now I am everything a victim should be: alone, rejected, deserted by those who were supposed to be there for me the most. What's startled them just enough for me to get safely into the building so far, is that three or four paces into the quad I'm joined by Rowan, whose smile is grim yet defiant. "Hullo, beautiful," he jokes. He's not going to let this rest. Should have known. I smile back, still genuinely happy to see him. "Hey, pounce." "Pounce?" he asks, confused. I laugh and shake my head. "You wouldn't know the reference." "So tell me?" he asks eagerly as we hurry up the steps, through the doors. "No." "C'mon, don't be all mysterious with me just 'cause you're pissy about the fact that you can't have me for real." I stare at him, and he looks momentarily concerned, fearing he might have crossed the invisible line. I grin, releasing him from his anxiety. "Maybe later-if you behave yourself." He puts on a rather convincing pout. "I can never do that, you know that, Simon. Please?" Rowan has very good puppy dog eyes. Unfortunately for him, I've seen them too many times before. I laugh more. "It's not even anything, you'd probably be disappointed if I did tell you. Leave it up to your own imagination, you'll probably be happier that way." "You're a hard man, Simon Kelly." "Haven't you said that to me before?" He smiles a puzzled smile. "Dunno. Have I?" It's a very weird thing-to go to lunch at one of our dingy haunts-but just with Rowan. He even kicks me under the table a few times, which is the first time I know I didn't manage to fool him at least with my straight face our first lunch together when Elliot wouldn't keep HIS feet at home. "Look, Rowan, I wanted to ask you-" "Don't bother. I haven't got an answer for you." I'm a bit surprised by his quick response. "You know what I was going to ask then?" He nods. "In one form or another, yeah. I'm pretty sure I did." "So, what was that then? You just don't know?" He smiles kindly. "I'm not interested in YOU, if that's what's worrying you. I just like teasing you. You're pretty easy to tease actually, should work on that." I smile too. "Maybe. Can we talk about it a bit more?" "We could try, but it wouldn't be much of a conversation. You asking me questions, me shrugging, saying brilliant stuff like 'dunno' and 'not sure'. Still, I'll give it a go if it'd mean something special to you." "I haven't much right to ask you to share with me." He snorts. "We're friends. Damn good ones, I care about you. I know you care about me too, even if you do think I'm a prat a lot of the time." "You're an extremely loveable prat," I say with a comically comforting smile. He shakes his head. "You're certainly one for loveable prats, we'll give you that much." "You're not going to start that again, are you?" I ask, getting a bit alarmed. Just as before, he retracts quickly. "Can't help myself sometimes, something for ME to work on, eh?" "No, you're alright. Things need to be said sometimes." His eyes widen a bit. "You're okay, the two of you, I mean? Give it to me honestly, Simon, hold nothing back." He's not asking for gossip, that's clear, he's just being a mate. The best one I have right now probably. "There's nothing really. I mean, I love Elliot-always will. And he's wonderful in my eyes. Just not in his own. That worries me, is all." He nods understanding. "Yeah, he's like that." I look at his curiously. "How'd you know?" He raises his eyebrows dryly at me. "You forget I've been one of his best mates for the past 3 years." "Shit-yeah. You probably know him better than I do even now." "Don't be so sure of that. Just-I know him. Mostly, I know his past, which you've got a lot of catching up to do on. He's got, like, 'liking himself' issues. Dunno how else to put it. I mean to a point we've all got it, comes with being an adolescent apparently, but it seems like there was a bigger dose passed out at puberty than most of us got in Elliot's case. He used to be a lot worse actually, before you came along." This too, throws me a bit. "Blimey. Worse? I sort of wondered if it was BECAUSE of me, sort of that it was MY fault he acts this way." Rowan laughs. "Your fault! That's a good one. Course not, Si, you've made him happier, healthier, and generally a more respectable human being." "But I don't understand it. Why's he like this, if it isn't me? I mean, they're rotten homophobic sods, but his parents certainly seem to love him in their own way." He nods. "Sure they do. But you've got to understand something about the way Elliot grew up. Look-you've seen his parents, right?" I nod, confused, but game to see where he's taking this. "More than once, yeah. So what?" "Well, didn't anything about them strike you as odd?" I shrug. "They just seemed parents to me. A bit old fashioned, overprotective maybe, but nothing earth shattering." "You just said it yourself!" "What?!" I ask, absolutely lost. He sighs. "Old fashioned-for what reason?" THEN it dawns on me, finally. "Because they're old." The realization cloaks me. "Much older than my mum, late 50's even." Rowan is leaning back in his chair, arms folded. "'Though a bit slower than the others, Simon shows good understanding of the material once he has grasped the basic concepts'." I lean across the table to sock him in the shoulder. "Prat." He grins. "Yeah, we've established that." "So, okay, they're old. I'm still not quite getting it, to be totally honest with you." "One step at a time, that's all we ask. Old, right. His olds are old. And they love him a lot, as you say, in their own way. But they're also distant. His childhood. It was probably a bit more like being raised by your grandparents than your parents. His dad never did the playing catch thing, his mum never did the pushing on swings thing. They just raised him differently. From further back or something. Old school, I guess. The values some of our own parents have rebelled against. Plus they work all the bloody time. El's always had all that going against him. He'd NEVER admit it. of course, probably not even to himself. But I imagine he went through life feeling like an outsider long before he realized he was gay or whatever. The problem is he beats himself up about it, like it's HIS fault he can't fit in properly. Even when 'fitting in' isn't what he wants. He feels like he can't please the outsiders either. He sees himself as this constant disappointment to everyone around him. Especially to you, I would wager. And to his parents, come to that. You see, I may ride his case, but it's only cause I luv 'im. He's like a brother. A screwed up, dysfunctional one, but a brother. Anyway, he's not the only one who's royally fucked up, so who am I to judge." I sit for the longest time, taking all he said in. Finally I just smile at him and say, "You're a wise man, Charlie Brown." ____________ Later as we're heading back to school he looks at me seriously and says, "You will give him time, won't you-now that you know a bit more of what it's all about?" Fond of me or not, one thing Rowan certainly is not DISloyal. I smile. "I would have anyway, just hopefully now I can help him more." Rowan smiles at me warmly and hugs me quickly. "I'm bloody glad he has you, Simon," he says before he releases me and ducks his head away, embarrassed. It's the first time I've ever known Rowan to be embarrassed. "Trying to grab a quick feel, eh?" I say and push him just this much past gently as we continue down the street. Which causes him to grab me by the neck and we spar playfully all the way back to school. Ro and I have to leave each other for the first set of the afternoon but as I make my way to the lesson I am met by Rob. He looks concerned and angry. I'm nervous, wondering what he's heard. "What the fuck, mate?" I sigh. "What do you mean?" He rolls his eyes impatiently. "You bloody well know what I mean. I ran into Elliot earlier. He just about got his arse kicked. What happened between the two of you? He's all chummy with those preppie tossers suddenly. Feel like filling me in?" Angry, confused-those things, but hurt as well. "Look, not here, okay? Too many pitchers and all that? I'll tell you all about it, but later." He nods resignedly. We go outside during the afternoon interval and I give him the whole rotten story. Took quite some time too, considering he missed the entire thing start to present. "Fuck me." Make up your own joke here if you like, but I'm not going to do it for you. "That's sod-awful. How you holding up?" My response is a 'what do you think' half-smile. He nods. "I guess. Damn. You sure keeping him at school was even the best thing? You know the crap you're going to take after this?" I nod. He looks at me, uncomprehending. "What the hell, Simon, you're really in for it. What possessed you?" I struggle to find a way to explain it to him. "Well, I mean I know it looks like I'm supremely falling on my sword and maybe at least partly I am but it wasn't this great selfless act. I had my own selfish reasons right along with the honorable ones. And don't think Elliot won't be suffering too. Physically he might be better off, but he's got to watch me get right pushed around and won't be able to do a bloody thing about it. Just think about that. I'm not sure I'd have the self-control to hold it in, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep it in check like he'll have to. It's going to be hard for him too. In the end I just couldn't lose him. And as much as we love each other, the time and distance between us if he got sent away probably would have meant losing him. I'm doing this for me too. Maybe even more than I'm doing it for him." If he has much to say in response I never get to hear it 'cause the bell sounds and we both have to rush off to our lessons. (Edit by Ed)