Date: Tue, 18 May 2004 22:07:33 -0500 From: Karla Schulz Subject: The Preppie and the Punk chapter seven Wow. I was wallowing in this causeless meloncoly and then I checked my e-mails and I'd gotten like a ton of awesome ones.. more than I have in really long time (this was, I realize, just because I've been really slack about posting and finally did post a chapter of another story) but yeah. It put me in a really great mood. I just... I love you guys. You people who read these crazy stories I write and then take the time from your lives to actually tell me they affected you in some way. It's just really nice. So, if any of you have written me, about this story or Carrots and Celery - thanks so much. You quite literally rock my socks. Now on with the chapter! --- The Preppie I drive up to his house, as usual, a smile on my face because I know I'll be seeing Simon. And a surprise at that. Mum had arranged for a 'dinner for two' with Dad at some posh restaurant, so I was free to do what I wanted, which naturally happens to involve Simon. Full of energy I race up his steps and knock exuberantly on his front door. It gets yanked open and there Simon stands before me looking stunned. "Hi," I say and lean in for the customary 'I love you and missed you,' snog. But as soon as my lips touch his I can tell Simon's not having it so I draw back. Shock, guilt, and something like shell-shocked horror are all over his face. "Not expecting me then?" I attempt to joke. He is still wordless, motionless. "Simon?" I ask gently. No response. Time to get a hold of this situation. "Let's go in, okay?" That said I walk through the doorway and, carefully removing his hand from the knob, shut the door behind me. I march him over to the living room with both hands on his shoulders and sit us down on the chesterfield. "Simon? Please tell me what's wrong," I pretty much beg. I think it might actually be only then that he's conscious of me for the first time. In a sudden jerk motion he's hugging himself to me and sobbing into my neck. A cold shivering fear grips me. I rub my hands up and down his back trying to calm him. "Shhh, what's wrong, baby? You can tell me anything." This makes him sob even harder, something I wouldn't have thought possible before it happens. "I love you, Simon, just tell me, okay?" Though, I'm beginning to think, I already know. D'you know how when you're doing something or your mind's somewhere else you're sort of aware of what's happening around you but you don't really register it at the time? How the things you barely paid attention to can sneak back up at you later? As I had been parking, out of the corner of my eye, wasn't it Rowan's car I had seen drive away? Only one thing could explain why he's so upset. "I've... we've..." Alright, words at least. Whatever he has to say, I'm going to FORCE myself to hear ALL of it before I let myself react too much. "What?" I ask as calmly as I can manage, still rubbing his back. He slinks away to look into my eyes. His own are bloodshot and his bottom lip is trembling. I need him to tell me on his own though, I need him to tell me honestly. Even if I am pretty sure I know. "It's... Rowan and I." He looks frantically over at the door and back to me. We're still half holding each other, me now rubbing his arms. "Whatever it is," I say, surprising myself with the steadiness of my voice, "just tell me." He smiles weakly. "I think you know already." "Maybe," I say, never stopping my hands from going up and down along his arms. "But I need you to tell me exactly what went on." He seems to have recovered some of himself and is breathing more evenly now. "We... we kissed." Knowing something is probably coming does shit to prepare you for it when it does. But I won't react. That's not everything. It simply isn't. "Okay." His eyes widen. I move my hands down and firmly take his own. "Okay?" I squeeze his hands. "How? Why? Explain it to me. Just a kiss?" He doesn't say anything. "More than one?" He nods. Well, that hurt. I take a few deep breaths. "What else?" "Nothing else!" he says in a panic. I take back his hands and run my thumbs over his fingers. "I'm with you, Simon, right here, but I don't understand. You kissed Rowan, or he kissed you, you kissed each other. One of those? All of those? Are you... do you like him?" "Of course." he answers automatically. He looks at me and his expression changes rapidly. "Not like that! I mean I love him but I'm not, you know, 'into' him." Oh Simon, Simon, my love, then why did you kiss him? "And me? You still love me, don't you?" "Oh yes, Elliot, I'm so sorry," he wails and begins to cry again. Softly this time. I hug him, but quickly release him. Once more I take his hands in mine. "How did it happen?" He shuts eyes for a moment then reopens them. "It started out, we were talking. You see, Rowan's... confused." Confused? "He can't figure out what sex he fancies or anything like that. And he's never kissed anyone apparently, so we started joking around about having a snog so he could see what it was like." "So that's all? It was just a 'practice' thing?" He squirms guilty. "That's all it was meant to be. We kissed once sort of 'experimentally' and laughed 'cause it felt so strange, then again more like a real kiss. But it didn't stop as it should have." He's not looking at me. "We kept kissing." "How long?" He frowns. "Eh? Dunno, five minutes." Calm down, I tell myself. Don't lose it. "Then what?" He presses thumb and forefinger against the bridge of his nose. "Then we both got a clue what we'd been doing and jumped away from each other. For a couple of seconds we both stared at each other then he ran out and I assume drove off. Seconds later you were here." "Jeez, right after? No wonder you're such a mess." "Thanks," he says, almost making a joke. I manage eye contact. "How do you feel about Rowan-exactly. Honestly." He doesn't break our eye lock. "Just what I said before. As mate I love him. He's wonderful to talk to sometimes and great fun. But there's only you for me, that won't ever change. I can't figure out why I did it." "He's quite good looking," I tease. Yes, tease. He seems shocked I could do so at such a time. "Look," I say, making a conscious decision about the fairly obvious. "It's okay. I mean that. I'm definitely not 'thrilled' about it, but here are some things I know: You won't do it again," He seems horrified at the very idea, the very mention. I smile. "Rowan won't try to get you to do it again," "No, no I'm positive he won't." I nod. "But mostly importantly, Simon, I know I love you. I know you love me. I know how young we both are makes 'forever' sound romantic and far off but the kind of commitment we've made to each other, being MARRIED, it has a practical side as well. Not just money and things. Forever means forever. I take that very seriously. It's an acknowledgement that bad stuff happens but not that we stop loving each other or give up. I'm your husband-you're stuck with me." Again we hold each other and this time we both cry. "I'll never stop loving you, Elliot-not ever. I'm so sorry," he says between sobs. I hold him tighter. "Simon, my beautiful, wonderful Simon. Don't cry,' which is a silly since it's what I'm doing. "It's alright. It's over." We remain like that for a few minutes and I decide something else. "You look terrible." He smiles. "I mean it. I think what we could both use is a short rest. What do you say to going up to your bed and just hugging a bit?" His eyes begin to water again. Then they get a very determined look in them. "Elliot," he says fiercely. "Elliot, you have to promise me. Whatever else you take from all this, there's one thing I need to for you to get. How strong you've been, Elliot, how wonderful, how amazing, how understanding, how patient. Please, Elliot? Please get how incredible you're being? How great you've made me feel, how loved and cherished.. Elliot, the next time you feel like beating yourself for something you THINK you did, remember this. Remember how you made me feel better when I should have been begging for forgiveness and comforting you. Remember it, okay? Promise." Shyly and hastily I graze his lips with my own. "I promise, let's go upstairs." We climb the stairs, hands joined tightly, and lie down beside each other once we've reached his room. We gaze at each other. We murmer little things to each other. We lie there together just loving each other. We sleep. I wake up a few hours later as Simon still dozes. I prop myself up a bit with an elbow, being careful not to wake him. Sleep has done away with the guilt and fear that was contorting his face and he looks innocent, peaceful, and without a care in the world. Lightly, gently, I trace his jaw line with my finger, I drink in his high cheekbones and long, almost girlish lashes. I press my thumb against his maroon lips and as I'm doing this I'm silently telling myself that he's still mine. That this beautiful person lying beside me still belongs to me. Not because I think of him as property or because of how 'great' I am, but only because he has given himself to me. And that hasn't changed. And really, not that it would be a problem for me, I don't find myself needing to forgive him anything. As I see it, there was no betrayal. No betrayal because there was no plotting or planning, no premeditation, and when he saw me there was complete honestly and remorse. I'm completely confident he would have done his best to find and tell me pretty much right away had I not just happened by. One more thing I realize coming out of this. It comes from what he was so desperate for me to get but is not so much how wonderful and amazing I am but closer to the idea that we're human, both of us, and will because of that sometimes through no fault of our own, make mistakes and will occasionally fall short. It just happens and can't always be helped. But it doesn't change that I love him and I'm smiling 'cause maybe for the first time it's actually getting through that it doesn't change that he loves me. The Punk When I wake up, Elliot is staring at me. "Hi," I say quietly. He smiles and kisses my cheek. "Hi." "How you feeling?" His smile saddens slightly but remains. "I'm okay. Good really. You?" I push myself up to his eye level. "I'm okay too. I'm still SO sorry." He chuckles, further surprising me. "Don't go turning into me now," he warns lightly. A laugh escapes my lips. I hug him. "I love you. So much. You're the only one for me." He nods. "I know. Simon, it's weird, but BECAUSE of what happened, I think I honestly finally know." He kisses me, and I know I could never love anyone more. "What time do you have to be going back?" I ask a short while later. He seems unconcerned. "Supposed to be 10, it's what now?" "Just after that." He shrugs. "No worries. Mum will cover. But speaking of the women who gave us life, where's the one responsible for you?" I smile. "Working, she's the night shift this month." He waggles his eyebrows at me in mock suggestiveness and I laugh, it's a wonderful thing to be able to do. "I should be going," he says, reluctantly getting up. "Okay, I'll walk you to your car." He gives me an odd look and a smile. "Such a gentleman," he chuckles. "Twat," I say, lightly flicking the back of his head. At his car Elliot's face goes deadly serious. "What?" I ask nervously. He takes a slow breath. "You need to talk to Rowan. Me too, but you two alone first. He'll be home, can I take you over?' I stare at him open-mouthed. He actually reaches over and shuts my mouth with two fingers. "Don't look at me like that. I trust you." Well, there's a thing to say right after I cheat on you. He looks at me sharply. "Don't say it, don't even THINK it. It wasn't cheating, not to me. A mistake. But not cheating." Again I stare at him. "How'd you know, I mean, I never said it." "I wasn't totally joking earlier-no turning into me." I hug him, on the street right under a street lamp. "Really though," Elliot continues. "I knew 'cause I know what I'M like, and you're infringing on my insecurities and self-loathing. I don't want you to get struck down with it just as I think I may be starting to recover. And I was serious about Rowan. He's still our mate and he's probably hurting right now. Okay?" I nod. "You're my hero," I inform him. He laughs. "And you want to be just like me when you grow up, I know. Now get in." I obey. He stops before Rowan's house, which I've described before. It's not my fault if you've forgotten. Go back and reread it if you want, but don't expect me to do it for you. "Want me to wait and then take you home?" I shake my head. "S'okay. Ro will give me a lift, I'm sure." He nods, and doesn't appear at all upset. "Right. Love you," We kiss briefly. "You're amazing," I tell him before he drives off. I walk up to Rowan's house slowly. Knock twice on the door, and wait. After a second or two it opens. We stare at each other awkwardly. He smiles ironically. "Couldn't get enough of me, eh?" he jokes feebly. I laugh weakly in return. He sighs. "Come in." "Hi," he says once we're inside. "Hi." "There's gonna be weirdness between us now, isn't there?" he asks sadly. "No, maybe at first but we'll be okay." "Still, I can't see the joke flirting carrying on." I wink. "Hey, your loss." He punches me in the arm. "Idiot." I grin and punch him in the arm. "Bastard." "Have you told Elliot?" he asks quietly, avoiding my eyes, appearing deeply interested in the pattern of the carpet we're standing on. I try to make my smile reassuring. "Yeah. He came over right after you left. I told him everything and he understands." Relief washes over Rowan's face. "I was so worried he'd hate me-you'd hate me. Simon, you have to know-I never planned it. I didn't set it up, hoping you'd kiss me." He looks incredibly pained, afraid I won't believe him. I frown. "It never even crossed my mind to think that. Rowan, I don't want you to blame yourself, it was both of us. No one's angry with you and no one blames you. Hell, it was Elliot who suggested I come over to make sure you were alright and not blaming yourself." His eyes begin to glisten. "Did he really?" I nod. "Drove me over here." He smiles and lets out a long sigh. "That means a lot. From both of you." He holds out a hand. "Friends?" I push the hand away. "Brothers," I say, embracing him. When I let go we're both crying a bit. "We're such fags," he jokes with a choked laugh. I join him in it. Then I look at him seriously. "So you think you're gay then?" I ask, feeling nervous for some reason. Rowan however is obviously not quite ready to be serious. He shrugs with a grin. "Could be I'm just into incest." We crack up. Having already decided not to trouble him for a ride and opt instead for the bus, after a few more words and with a grin on my face, I prepare to leave. "See you tomorrow morning," I say just before I do. He gets a happy grin on his face, apparently having been a bit worried that even with all we'd said, things wouldn't be going exactly 'business as usual' in the following days. I smile and wave goodbye at the end of his walk before continuing down the block. When I arrive home the house it dark and quiet. I find myself wishing that I could ring Elliot but don't want to risk getting his dad. I'm sure he knows he's in my heart. The Preppie When I got home after dropping Simon off at Rowan's I went up to my room and had a good cry about it. Not because I hadn't mean all the things I said to Simon and not because I wasn't really as okay with everything as I had said I was. Sometimes you just need a release from all the heavy emotion stuff that's been going on around and inside you. When it's over I feel something very close to fantastic. I actually fall asleep with LESS insecurities than normal, a smile playing on my lips and the love I get from Simon held tightly in my heart. ____________ At school the next day we're alone and I'm able to tell Stacy about it. She looks very surprised. "And you're okay with that?" I shrug. "Yeah, they won't do it again." Her frown deepens. "Well, I'm sure they won't PLAN to do it again, but well, oh Elliot, perhaps it's just me. You and Simon, you have something different than what I'm accustomed to. The bond you two have is much stronger than most high school relationships, or even adult ones probably at times. Bravo, I say. You should be proud of how mature you're being about this." I blush a bit. "That's what Simon said as well, something close to that anyway. I just really DON'T see any reason why I should be angry with him, or Rowan for that matter. They were upset enough about it for the three of us. I am a bit scared, not for lack of trust in Simon or Ro, but just the thing I'm guessing you almost said just a second ago." She half-smiles. "They're around each other all the time, very close friends who get along fabulously and spend a lot of time together," she begins. "While I, on the other hand, am with Simon much less and have not been sharing in the treatment they've been subjected to, and mutual struggle and adversity can force people together," I finish. "But Simon LOVES you, Rowan does too, and now that the 'tension' or 'feelings' they probably weren't even aware of have been brought to the fore and can be dealt with," she adds. I smile. "Not to mention I'm richer and better looking than Rowan." For a minute she sits there looking scandalized, thinking I was actually serious, before she gets the joke and begins to shriek with laughter. I sit back and smile dryly until she's finished. "Honestly, Stace, you've been around me long enough to know I wouldn't be serious about something like that." She grins wickedly. "Even if it is true." It's my turn then, to be shocked, and then to have the delayed realization, causing a fit of laughter. That night, I get a call from Rowan, it's relatively safe for him to call me, since I'm not totally sure my dad would recognize his voice, or that he even knows Rowan's 'sided' with Simon in the aftermath. "Hullo, Rowan," I say cheerfully enough, hoping to let him know I'm HONESTLY not upset with him. "Hey, El, okay. I have to say this, just once, and make it official. Simon and I talked and he told me you were okay with everything, but I still want to apologize and promise you I'll never do it again even though you probably know that already. I just feel so terrible about it and I'm very sorry." "Simon told you I'm okay with it and I am, really, Ro. I promise. I know you didn't mean to do it, and how sorry you both are. It could have just as easily happened to me. This is a weird age we're all in, hormones are constantly battling inside us, confusing things. You're a friend who I value and trust. I don't feel you've violated that in any way. Neither of you lied to me-it's obvious you're both sorry, me too, but it's happened and we can't undo that. Anyway, I hope you can remember it with at least a bit of fondness." "Eh?" he asks, sounding totally lost to my meaning. "Well-it was your first kiss, after all! A kiss shared between two friends, that's how I'm going to remember it." "Elliot, you're being-" I laugh. "I know, I know. I'm SO amazing. So everyone tells me. There's nothing special about what I've done, it's how I honestly feel and that's all there is to it. It's not really something I want to dwell on too much, you know? You and Simon MUST remain friends, I'd hate if this wrecked the close relationship you have. I know how much it helps you both." "Bloody incredible is what you're being, Elliot, not just amazing." "I want the people I love to be happy, that's all! Being friends with you and Kevin and Rob helps keep Simon sane and I'm rather partial to him sane. If I got upset with him, and foolishly started acting jealous and possessive I might even push him away and lose him-can't have that. This way I keep my husband, we both keep our friend, and hopefully that friend knows how great he is himself and doesn't let this ruin the memory of his first kiss." "Want to make me feel really better-let my second one be with you." I laugh out loud. "Bloody Hell, Rowan!" I say, laughing some more. "You'll make a very smooth operator someday." He chuckles proudly. "I'll settle for someone like you and Simon have with each other." "Ro," I begin, keeping my tone carefully neutral. "Simon said you were, um, 'confused', are you well, 'less' now?" He quiet. "You don't have to tell me, really." "No, it was a fair question. And since I kissed your boyfriend I guess maybe it's one you deserve an honest answer for. Only, I'm still as confused as ever. I know I like snogging, and I know it was fun in a way to snog with Simon, but I dunno if that's just 'cause of how I feel about Simon, or if it's a thing that'd be with all blokes." I swallow. "How you feel about Simon?" "Oh no!" he wails. "Elliot, oh fuck, Elliot, that's not what I meant! Not what I meant at all..." I steady myself. "S'okay, but what did you mean, it's alright, Ro, don't worry." "I just meant, you know, that I care about him a lot, but not in 'that way'." He still sounds a bit miserable. "Cheer up! I believe you! C'mon, mate, it's no worries. A tongue slip, and my fault for taking it wrong." "Again, fantastic." "Well, yeah," I say smugly. He laughs. "You're still a bastard, Brenner." This makes me smile. When we were first formers together, we started out not being very fond of each other. Well, to say we hated each other would be more accurate. For no sensible reason really, we just clashed for the first few months. Then one afternoon I rescued him from something, just a stupid verbal assault I ended with some clever remark in his defense and after which I proceeded to help him off the ground where he had been shoved (Rowan was very short for his age when we started before his growth spurt in the break between 3rd and 4th form). He'd thanked me, a bit confused that I'd help him, and I'd honestly explained that I hadn't really known who I was helping. He'd grinned and said, 'You're still a bastard, Brenner' and from then on we'd been friends. "Better than being an asshole." Which is the same thing I'd said to him that day. "Let's talk again soon, okay, mate?" he asks. "Absolutely, give Simon my love for real this time, eh?" "Just how much love do you want me to give him?" Knowing him as well as I do, I can know he's got an evil grin on his face as surely as if he was standing beside me. "As much as you like, s'long as he moans 'oh Elliot' and not 'oh Rowan' and I'm fine with it." "You're pure evil," Rowan says, laughing, and we bid each other a fond goodbye before hanging up. ____________ A few weekends later my mum informs me that she and Dad will be going away for the weekend. She looks extremely uncomfortable about the idea of leaving me on my own (but quite obviously not quite ALONE) for a whole weekend which lets me know it wasn't her who set it up. "Don't worry," I say, patting her on the shoulder but leaving what she might have to worry about unsaid. I give her a radiant smile. "Have a good time!" With that I bound up the stairs to my room and ring Simon with the news. ____________ "It looks like we're finally getting a proper honeymoon, eh?" Simon asks as he walks through the door the next day, Saturday, holding a small duffel and his pillow ('can't sleep on anything but my own' he's explained several times before). I give him a very welcoming kiss. We head upstairs and as we go he looks at me, attempting a look of deep hurt, whining accusingly, "You didn't even TRY to carry me over the threshold," I laugh violently and nearly topple down the stairs. Simon sniffs. "I'm insulted." Having not seen each other in privacy for some time we attack each other the second we enter my room. And in what seems like no time at all but was probably closer to half an hour I find myself brushing my hand against his shoulder mid kiss only to realize I'm touching bare skin. I gasp involuntarily, causing us both to draw back hastily. We stare at each other, sitting there both somewhat mysteriously down to nothing but boxers and socks, for several minutes, before a smile begins to grow on his face, encouraging my lips to do the same until we're both laughing and rolling around the bed on our backs, clutching our stomachs and getting severely red in the face. Later, we lie there in each other's arms completely exhausted, completely glad to be doing exactly what we were doing. "El?" he asks, breaking the silence. "Hmm?" I murmur back into his chest. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you about for like ever but all this stuff kept happening and I kept forgetting or remembering at the wrong time." I chuckle softly. "Well, stuff certainly has acquired a knack for happening lately so that's understandable. What is it that you wanted to ask me?" He sighs. "I'd worked it out-how I was going to word this question best-but I've forgotten now. So here it goes anyhow, that day, when we married each other, I mentioned sex and you said you didn't want to do that before you were married. Why was that?" I've raised myself up and am sitting a little away from him, staring into Simon's eyes. "I guess I've just always believed in the 'buying the cow' thing. No milk for free and all that. For as long as I've thought about this kind of thing I've known I was going to try my hardest to only ever be with one person. That way sex is this special thing between you and the other person that's only your own. I think virginity is a gift you give to that person you love the most-the forever person. It's true I knew you were my forever person before we actually 'married' but all the same saying it out loud puts an accountability to things. That's why." I finish with a casual shrug, this kind of thing really has always been simple and straightforward to me. But it seems we're not all totally in agreement about that in the room. Simon's gotten quite good at ogling at me in bewilderment for joke or for serious and like most times I think it's another mix of the two when he does it now. I smile at him and shut his mouth for him, also like usual. "So I take it you weren't aware you married an 'I'm worth waiting for'," I state as my smile becomes more and more one which says quite obviously 'oh, he's confused, the poor boy, I'll humor him.' He does what he can to shake himself out of it. "Well, I know who I married was worth waiting for, I just didn't know HE knew it." I outright laugh as this-or rather at him, and his lame (but very sweet) attempt at a joke to lighten the heavy mood I myself am feeling nervous about having created. "It's not a huge deal. We're together now anyway, so it's behind me." I hope he can't tell I'm holding something back, something I want to ask, but he sighs. He can always tell. "You can ask me if you like, El," he tells me flatly. Our locked eyes don't falter for several long seconds before I break out into a fabulous smile. "Don't need to, already got my answer." He beckons me over to him with a finger and I move in close. "Knowing I was waiting for YOU would have made things considerably easier," he says with a sneaky smile before leaning over and kissing me, thus eliminating my ability to respond. ____________ "Can we not do anything this weekend?" I ask suddenly even though we were getting pretty close to doing something seconds before. He looks at me, not upset but obviously confused. "I sort of promised my mother we wouldn't." He smiles understandingly. "Okay." He detaches himself from me and begins pulling on his shirt and wriggling into his jeans. "You don't mind?" I ask, touching his arm. "Of course not, El! Whenever we do this, it's going to be because we both want it at the same time." I hug him. "You're wonderful." He grins. "And don't you forget it." I know, I know! A teenager! With hormones! Who doesn't have sex 'cause it would upset his mother?! How unreal, what a loser! But I just couldn't. At the back of my mind as it was happening I just wouldn't have been able to help thinking about having to face my mum on Monday, unable to hide the blush and guilt, and that would have ruined it for me. I mean-would YOU want to be thinking of your mother during sex? Exactly. The Punk "What should we do tonight?" I ask Elliot when he comes out of the shower around 7, just after his slightly embarrassed confession about not wanting to get into anything TOO heavy on account of his mum. "Whatch you mean?" Elliot asks, looking at my quizzically. I smile. "Well, it's just if we stay in I'll be forced to maul you again and I think that's an extra temptation neither of us need, so we should go out." I can't suppress an evil grin. "Want to go clubbing?" We hadn't gone together in a very long time, not since his parents found out. But Elliot always seemed to enjoy it when we went in the past. We could even get the others together, it'd be a good chance for him and Rob to hang out once more. Elliot smiles indulgently. "Sure, why not? But let's stop by yours first." I raise my eyebrows at him. "How come?" He shows off his own evil grin. "'Cause you're going to dress me up in full Punk regalia, I think it's time you got your Simon clone once and for all." Laughing but game, I tell him to get anything he needs and we'll head right over. We drive over and Elliot chats with my mum for a few minutes in the kitchen before I drag him upstairs to my room. I begin pulling stuff out of my closet, wondering what to dress him in while he walks aimlessly around my room, putting a record on, helping me find stuff for a bit, and then walking over to my dresser. "Eye liner?" Elliot suggests wickedly, holding up a grubby pencil he took off the dresser. I shrug. "Game if you are." "Let's see if it really does bring out your eyes after all." After we're both suited up, I take a good look at Elliot. "You could be any punk off the street, I barely recognize you," I tell him honestly. His light brown hair is gelled up into a feathered mohawk, making him look tougher and younger at the same time. Gone aare the designer sweater, jeans, and proper looking shoes he always INSISTS aren't 'dress shoes' and in their place is one of my more ragged looking pairs of black jeans, a black long sleeved dress shirt which is managing nicely to look very UNdressy, open to reveal an ultra tight red shirt, sleeves rolled up, several studded or spiked leather bracelets strapped to his wrists, his nails painted black. He's attempting a scowl, which is very amusing. "Don't do that," I say with a chuckle. "It's way too adorable." He pouts but thankfully gives up. "You look great," he tells me. I shrug and smile self-consciously. "Thanks, like the eyeliner after all then?" He nods almost uncontrollably. "Oh yeah." I laugh. "You DO, don't you?" He blushes. "Leave me alone." I come in closer. "What do you think, should I wear it all the time? Hmm? Elliot, hey, Elliot," He won't look at me. "You want me," I whisper teasingly in his ear. "Yes! I do!" he says, turning on me suddenly and pressing his mouth against mine, taking me by surprise and nearly knocking me over. I sputter at him, and he looks satisfied. "Oh, don't start, you deserved it." We call Rowan, Stacy, Kevin, and Rob, but Rob's not in. The others agree to come eagerly though and by nine we're all getting out of my mum's car ('cause the neighborhoods we're going to be hanging out in aren't exactly the best and not the type of places you'd want to bring a brand new Audi like Stacy drives). We go to one of my favorite clubs first, getting in easily since I'm 'known' to the bouncer, and I'm delighted to hear the screaming of one of my favorite local bands pounding from the stage. Weaving expertly through the masses of bodies dancing, talking, and snogging everywhere, I find us a calm enough table and we all sit down. I never like to dance right away and especially since I'm not sure the others will want to join in, I stay at the table and we talk and just chill for awhile. Sitting on either side of me are Elliot and Rowan. One of my favorite things about being in a club, after the dancing, I mean, is watching other people. Seeing what they're doing and who THEY'RE watching. I find some of them are finding our table quite interesting. "Hey, Ro," I say, giving him a poke. He turns to me and smiles. "Want to score?" I have to shout a bit over the noise, but the music being what it is I doubt Elliot and the others even heard me across the table. "Eh?" Rowan asks, looking extremely confused. "Score? What you mean, like drugs?" I laugh. "No, idiot, look over there," Obediently he looks in the directions I'm pointing. The good looking bloke about our age who'd been staring at Rowan quite conspicuously practically since we found our table looks away hastily and Rowan laughs nervously. "I doubt he was actually looking at me like you think, Si, and anyway, I'm not exactly out for sex." I shrug. "A dance then, have some fun, mate." He doesn't look convinced in the slightest. "This isn't even a gay club," he hisses at me. "No, but it's the type of place where being gay is no big deal-look at the pit," I instruct. Again he obeys my command. He turns back to me, having seen that while the majority of the slammers were all writhing together, there were a few couples (some of them same sex) composed of dancers who were obviously a bit more focused on each other than the other people around them. "You want ME to just go up to some stranger at a club, some MALE stranger, and just suggest we go into THAT?" he says, pointing skeptically at the mosh pit. I laugh. "That may be a bit rough for you, I suppose. Could still go talk to him though. It might be fun!" He sneers. "Yes, or possibly painful, humiliating, and emotionally or even physically scarring." I slap him slightly upside the head. "Don't be such a coward! Live a little." He frowns. "NO, Simon." I sigh. "Fine! Fine. Be like that. You could be ignoring your soul mate right now for all you know but have it your way, just sit here with two happy couples, alone, all alone..." He punches me in the arm. "You're such a bastard, and when I come back, I WILL kick your ass." But I only laugh and grin, giving him a push. "You'll be fine!" Though having not paid much attention to our conversation due to being involved in one of his own with Kevin and Stacy, Elliot notices Rowan leave. "Where's he off to?" he asks me, sliding his chair closer. I reach over and wrap my arm around him and he snuggles in comfortably. "He's getting picked up." "WHAT?" Elliot screeches, horrified. I laugh. "Calm down, it wasn't a rough trade or anything dangerous. Just enough above bubble gum to not get beat up in a place like this. Good looking guy." He's still looking at me disapprovingly. I sigh. "Look, Rowan needs to have a little adventure! You know, LIVE life. They'll hit it off and he'll have a great time or they won't and he'll come back here, but at least he'll know he tried." "So he's definitely gay then?" Elliot asks. I shrug, we've talked about it a few times, but for now he's settled on 'willing to try something when it feels right' with whomever, whenever that turns out to be. "Dunno, labels are for food anyway." I strain my neck, looking for him and the pounce, eventually finding them talking what seems to be happily together near the bar. "And he looks to be having a good time, which is all that matters to me. But what about you? Having fun?" He runs his hand down my thigh and kisses the exposed skin of my shoulder, I'd doffed my jacket shortly after entering the club. "I am now, want to dance?" Elliot's an amazing mosher, has been starting from his first try. I grin. "Definitely!" We kiss madly for a few minutes first though, before throwing ourselves into the pit, grasping hands firmly (try not to mosh alone, it can be extremely dangerous). We return to the table nearly an hour later, totally exhausted, sweaty, and slump against each other. Kevin and Stacy examine us disdainfully. "You practically kill yourselves out there, how is that FUN?" I just smile a bit deliriously at Kevin and tilt my head over a fraction of an inch to lick sweat off Elliot's temple. "Gross!" Stacy shouts halfheartedly. Elliot smiles lovingly at me and we start kissing. Sure it's a bit rude of us to abandon them for almost an hour only to return and basically do it again, but me and Elliot can be bastards sometimes. When we eventually become upset with ourselves for treating them so poorly we stop our snog fest and look at them apologetically. They wave us off. "Oh don't worry about it, it's no big deal," Kevin says indulgently. I scan the club, but don't locate what I'm looking for. "Oh fuck. You guys, where's Rowan?" The Preppie The simple fact was we'd all sort of forgotten about him. And now he was gone, off somewhere with who knows who, who knows where. "This is my fuckin' fault," Simon says, looking disgusted with himself. While part of me happens to agree, I'm not about to let him go off on a guilt trip while we need to find Rowan. "Look, whose fault it is really doesn't matter, what matters is finding out where Rowan could be. Now he might still be in the club, there's people bloody everywhere. Let's split up into pairs and look for him. We'll meet back here, hopefully someone will come back with Rowan." I'm honestly a bit angry with Simon for letting-encouraging-Rowan to go talk to that guy, angry enough to actually be tempted to send him off with Kevin and go look with Stacy but if I did that he'd feel blamed which wouldn't help matters. Simon and I head off in one direction, Kevin and Stacy in another. We spend 10 minutes patrolling around, checking the washrooms and Simon even goes into the pit, checking the floors as best he can in case maybe Rowan got knocked unconscious, but find no trace of Rowan. We return to the table and my heart sinks. Stacy and Kevin are already there, alone. "No luck?" They shake their heads. Simon sets his face. "I'm going to go talk to the bartender, he may have seen something, you guys stay here." "Where could he have gone?" Stacy asks, looking extremely motherly and worried. I sigh. "Well, he went off to talk to some bloke who was apparently staring at him, but that was before Simon and I went moshing, you didn't see him leave with anyone, I don't suppose?" They frown at me. "We'd have hardly spent the last 10 minutes looking for him all over the place in here if we'd seen him LEAVE, would we?" Kevin asks icily. "Course not, sorry." "S'okay," Stacy whispers to me, patting my hand. A few minutes later Simon returns, looking grim. "Some people at the bar saw Rowan and the other guy leaving here together, and they said they thought they looked pretty, um, close." Kevin sighs angrily. "Brilliant. So he's off having sex with some stranger and will probably come back with hepatitis or something." "Hey, watch it," Simon warns, looking angry. I'm wondering myself, why the guy's supposed to be giving Ro a STD-cause he's gay or cause he's a punk? "Look, don't start fighting, you idiots!" Stacy says, standing up, looking exasperated. "Did anyone know where that bloke lives, or even his name?" Simon shakes his head. "None of them'd ever seen him before." "Fantastic," Kevin mutters under his breath, but loudly enough that we can all still hear it over the music. I put a restraining hand on Simon's shoulder. His eyes flash but he keeps silent. "What are we supposed to do now?" Kevin asks. We all look at Simon. "What?! I don't know any more about this than any of you! I've never picked anyone up at a club or let someone else do the same for me, I dunno where he is or what to do!" I give him a quick hug. "It's alright, we'll find him, or if we don't, he'll show up. It'll be okay." Kevin says nothing but Stacy nods and also hugs Simon. "Elliot's right, worrying won't help the situation, eh? Let's just walk around a bit, and maybe check a few other clubs, he might have gone to one of them." Simon stares at her like she's the most brilliant person he's ever met. "Stacy, you're brilliant!" he shouts. "I bet he just took Rowan to a gay club or something, Rowan's not stupid enough to go home with someone, he said to me himself he wasn't out for sex right now, they probably talked and decided to go somewhere else. He's always getting swept up in things, his short-term memory's for shit-I bet he just forgot to tell us he was leaving, c'mon, I know a few places we can try." Clearly delighted to have something potentially useful to do, Simon guides us out of the pulsating building and down the street to his car. On our third club, Simon lets out an ecstatic shout. "It's Rowan!" he says, racing back to us. "I saw him go into the toilets," a look of horror passes over his face. "Oh shit! I've got to go after him!" With that he propels himself through the throngs and is out of sight, leaving us standing there very confused. "Why would Simon care that Rowan was going into the loo?" Stacy asks blankly. Suddenly I remember some of the stories Simon's told me about the stuff that goes on in the washrooms of gay clubs. "Oh God," I moan, but don't have to say anymore, because they seem to have grasped the general idea from the ill look on my face. The Punk When I get into the washroom it appears to be empty, but I know Rowan at least is inside. "Ro?" I call softly. There are muffled sobs. "Rowan, it's Simon, that you?" "Simon? Oh Simon, thank-god." The stall opens and Rowan emerges, looking decidedly worse for wear. His cheeks are smudged from excess crying, his lips look slightly bruised, and his clothes are in shambles. Rage is building up inside me. "What the fuck did he do to you?" I say, walking towards him. I take him in my arms and he begins to cry. "Oh, what did I do to you?" I mutter quietly to myself as I hold him. It's quite awhile before Rowan is able to talk properly again. I steer him out of the loo and right to an empty table, my thoughts 100% focused on Rowan, Elliot and the others pushed out of my mind for the time being. "Can you-will you tell me what happened?" Rowan looks up at me with still tear-filled eyes. "It was stupid really," he starts shakily. "We were really getting along and somehow we got to talking about how I'd never been to a gay club before and he said we had to change that so we went here, it all happened so fast I didn't even think to tell you guys I was leaving." I don't say anything but smile at him sadly and squeeze his hand. "Anyway we danced and talked and then he kissed me, really gently at first and I liked it so I let him keep at it. But after awhile my head was spinning and he was getting more and more aggressive and I just panicked. I mean, he didn't even DO anything to me, I pulled away and it stopped but I felt like an absolute IDIOT. He smiled at me and I dunno why but I smiled back and then he started up again, began pawing at my shirt, trying to untuck it and it took me awhile to realize what was happening but when I did I just bolted from the table and ran for it. I'd been hiding in the stall for like 20 minutes before you came in, well, except I left once or twice to see if he was gone or not." I don't know what to say but I pull him into a hug once more and my only plan is to just not let go, maybe never again. How could I have been so stupid?! I MADE him do it! I just about got my best friend raped! I start to cry, hating myself. Rowan laughs a little. "Why're you crying?" he asks. "This is my fault, Rowan, I forced you to go talk to him. I bullied you into it. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me." He looks slightly angry. "Don't you dare start that, come on, Simon! I didn't HAVE to go talk to him just 'cause you were teasing me, I'm a big boy-I AM capable to making own decisions, you know. This wasn't because of you, Si. I made the choice on my own, okay? So can w..we please go back to you comforting me now?" he asks, waking me up. "Shit," I say. "Come here." We hug once more and I sort of rock him back and forth until he stops shaking and has regulated his breathing. "We should find the others," he says to me. I nod. "You're right, they'll be losing their minds." We get up and walk closely together, I keep my hand tightly holding on to his-I'm not about to lose the guy again right after I found him! We find Elliot, Kevin, and Stacy at a table near where I left them, and when they see us their eyes are awash with relief. They notice our clasped hands but I just give Rowan's a squeeze and then let go. "Alright, Rowan?" Stacy asks. He nods. "I'll be fine." They get up. "Can we go home now, please?" she asks. We all smile, even Rowan. "Hell yes," I say. I drop Stacy, Kevin, and even Elliot off before Rowan. As he was getting out, Elliot had looked confused but I'd tried to smile, hoping he'd understand. Whether he did or not he left the car without protest. When we get to Rowan's he smiles at me. "You okay?" I ask. He nods. "Like I said, I will be, nothing happened REALLY, I just got scared and am in shock sort of. Don't worry about it, and PLEASE don't get all masochistic on yourself 'cause you think it's your fault." "Only 'cause I know it'd do nothing to help you feel better which is what I care about the most right now." He leans over and gives me the quickest, lightest kiss on the cheek. "You've really helped me already, Si, more than just tonight. So thank you." We hug quickly and I walk him up to his door. He grins. "I'd ask you in, but you better get back to the old ball and chain," I punch him lightly. "Bastard." "Slut." We laugh. "Nite, Simon." I sigh. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" He nods. "Sure, shove off." As soon as I walk through the door I feel Elliot's arms around me. Not exactly the 'what the hell happened?' I was expecting. "He okay?" Elliot asks gently, the first words to come out of his mouth, and we're already up in his room. He's made me lie against him and I'm getting a massage. It feels incredible. "Yeah, getting there." "And you?" he asks even softer. "The same." Elliot turns me around and our eyes meet. "I'm dying to know what happened but it's so late it's early, so let's both just try to get some rest, we can talk about in the morning, okay?" Relieved and grateful beyond measure, not to mention knackered enough that I'm ready to DIE, I nearly start crying. Elliot just eases some of my heavier clothes off, slides me down onto my back and covers me with his wonderfully soft, warm blanket. Feeling him kissing the side of my head is the last thing I remember. The Preppie I hand Simon a glass of orange juice and he smiles weakly but gratefully. "Thanks," he mumbles, taking a large sip. "Good morning, and you're welcome." "Did you get enough sleep?" It's already past 1, but I'm not going to comment on that. He nods. "Yeah, thanks. Um, again." "Feeling okay?" "Not bad, you?" I shrug. "I'm confused, curious, concerned, other words staring with 'c'." He smiles. "Yeah, I guess." "Look, I know you'll only tell me as much as you feel wouldn't be breaching Rowan's privacy and that's fine, but you can give me some idea, right? Is he okay? Physically okay?" "He's not hurt, I mean, physically." "But mentally?" "He was pretty shaken up-understandable, but he'll be okay in the end, I think. I'm going to ring him later." Naturally. "That sounds like a good idea. He didn't... um... well, you know." "I do, and no. I don't think so. Well that's wrong, I'm sure he didn't. So no STD's." The anger seems to have gone out of him despite that comment. I don't say anything. He sighs. "Do you suppose maybe I should give Kevin a call as well?" "I think that would be very big of you." He laughs. "Leave it up to me then. When do your parents come home? Sorry our last day's been cut so short, and I'm not in much of a mood to do any more than just sit around." "Don't worry about it. They'll not be home until late and anyway I understand why you're beat. Me too. Make your calls and then we can just BE for awhile. As long as I'm with you-I don't care WHAT we do." He kisses me, tasting like orange juice, I even get some pulp from his lips. "I love you, I have mentioned that?" I laugh. "I think I've gotten the general ideal, but you can feel free to elaborate if you like." He grins. "Later, after I talk to Ro and Vin, I definitely will." With that he hops out of bed and pitter-patters off out of my room, down our hardwood floors, into the spare room filled with couches and entertainment equipment, including several phones. I decide to leave him alone, and busy myself getting properly dressed for the day. ____________ Simon doesn't tell me anything about what was said between himself and Rowan but he gives me an amusing play by play of the conversation with Kevin. "So, I pick up and Kevin answers and I say, 'Hey Vin,' and he says, "hey Moni" and I tell him I'll let that go since I was such a bastard to him basically all night and he says it's going to take more than that so I offer to get you to be his slave for a week-so you have that to look forward to now." I sigh, and shake my head. "You're SO funny. He's not mad then, I gather?" He grins. "Nope, I wasn't really worried, but I'm glad that's out of the way and off my chest." "And what are you going to do to make things up to ME?" He looks at me, surprised and concerned for a moment before chuckling. "Bastard." "Just 'cause you turned me into one." He nods. "You're probably right, I seem to have that effect on people." "You're not blaming yourself still, are you?" I ask out of concern only. "No, not really. Part of me always will, but dwelling on guilt and self-malice won't do Ro a sod of good so I'm trying to stay focused on helping him out and just being a mate." I poke him playfully in the stomach. "You seem to have forgotten about me-again." He laughs. "As if I could EVER forget about you, idiot. But Rowan needs me right now." I'm beginning to feel a bit more serious about this than I did when I started out. "Of course he does, just don't forget one thing." "What's that?" he asks curiously. I smile-frown. "I need you ALL the time." He hugs me. "Me too, baby, you're the one thing I know I can always count on." When our hug ends I start to get up but he places a restraining hand on my shoulder. "Stay put." "Why?" I ask with a smile. "Wasn't I to tell you about that I love you? Why and all that lovely stuff? So sit back, this may take awhile." Grinning like an idiot I follow orders. The Punk I drive myself home, needing to return the car to my mum, and though I didn't mention it to Elliot, needing a little time alone also. Not that he crowds me or isn't what I need most of the time but there are still those rare occasions where I need to be completely alone. Thinking can be difficult sometimes and in need of your full attention and focus. I didn't tell Elliot anything about my talk with Rowan but it had nothing to do with secrecy or not being 'allowed' to tell him. There was no conversation. I rang him, and found him not home. This naturally disturbed me a little because I had told him I would call, though perhaps I'm just being stupid, his schedule hardly revolves around me. If I seemed eager to leave, Elliot didn't say anything, or appear to notice. I merely grunt in my mum's direction and grabbing my mobile off the kitchen table, head up to my room. I shut my door and drop onto my bed, dialing automatically. "Hello?" "Rowan?" Desperate relief. "Yes, who's this?" SIGH! "I'm sure you know." "I really have no idea, are you my stalker?" "VERY funny. I'm laughing so hard you can't ever hear it." "Hi,, Simon." "Where were you earlier?" "Nowhere, asleep, I imagine." "Oh." "You were worried, that's very sweet." "I still am." "Worried?" "Yes." "I see." "But sweet as well." "True, true. So, my sweet and worried friend. How can I help you?" "Tell me you're okay, and mean it. I dunno, explain things to me better. Talk things out." "I could have so much fun with you right now, but that would be cruel." "Whatever makes you feel better." "Fuck me, you ARE worried." "Can't help myself, I just..." "You care! I'm touched beyond measure, honestly. I love you for it." "Crap, have you found me out? This was all just a complicated scheme to get you in the sack." "You certainly do know how to make me feel better." "Am I THAT hot?" A laugh. "Not at all, actually. Just the flirting, we don't do it so much anymore-and I completely understand why, but I still miss it sort of." "I do too, only..." "You're lonely and I'm confused and now damaged goods as well, so it could very well lead us into murky waters once more." "You're hardly damaged goods." "Course, I was only joking. You always take people too seriously, yet another one of your many character flaws." "I have SO many, how do you ever put up with me?" "Nice ass." "And you the one talking about 'murky waters' and caution. Hypocrite." "When it serves my purpose, yes." "Want to talk seriously for a bit?" "Oh alright, if you insist. I'm FINE, honestly. It was SO stupid of me to get so upset, it was only kissing and I was in no real danger, imagine, hiding in some bathroom for ages 'cause I was afraid of some bloke no bigger or stronger than me!" Joking or no, there's pain hidden within his mocking tone. And I've caught a grasp of why it's still there, I think I have anyway. "Don't give up." "What?" "A bad experience after all your other confusion and frustration, I can't imagine how discouraging that must be, but you mustn't give up." "You're a clever boy," he says a bit thickly, as if he was fighting off emotion and losing the fight. "It'll happen for you." "Oh come on, Simon! Don't tell me things like that! I can't bear to make a joke and that's the only way I can cope when you get like this." "I'm sorry." "It's just me, I'm not right somehow. There're something WRONG with me, I don't know what it is, but I'm missing something." "You're perfectly wonderful." "I'm an excellent friend and an amusing person to trade insults and little sarcasms with, but I'm still the 5th wheel. You were only teasing and I know you didn't mean anything by it, but I AM the lone single constantly stuck with couples. Always the best man, never the whatever it is I'll end up being." "Have you felt like this long?" I'm horrified at my own failures as a friend. "Only all my life." "I never guessed it went so deep," "Don't feel too bad, isn't as if I was putting out all these warning signs, I keep it to myself." "But you've told me now." "So I have." "Can I help?" "You have and will continue to. You may remember the talk we had one lunch when I explained the problem Elliot has with his parents," "Of course," "Then maybe you also remember I said he wasn't the only one who was screwed up, well I meant that more seriously than you probably thought at the time. But you're the miracle man, Simon, you've helped us both." "I'm not even close to being perfect!" I say, feeling nervous and poorly equipped for all the responsibility being placed on me. Feeling unworthy of their trust in me. But Rowan chuckles. "Never said or thought you were, you just care about people. And want the best for them. You, I don't know, you just love us. Which is what people need." "You never talked to anyone of the others about all this?" "No, not that Kevin or Stacy wouldn't listen or care just as much as you, I just talk with you more easily. Maybe because you DON'T know my past, my patterns. I was something of a loon before you showed up." I laugh, certain the Rowan I know is returning, fully aware he'd never pass up an opportunity to use the expression 'something of a loon' when that opportunity presented itself. "Explain?" "Oh, you know. Weirder than I am now-yes, it's possible! Going off into my own little world all the time. If the one I created made more sense, why not, eh? Easier, and best of all I got to make up all the rules. But you encouraged me to take a stab at reality, you yourself and also the way you affected everyone else. I've said it before-how grateful I am you came into our lives. We were petering somewhere bad, all four of us, not only me and Elliot. You gave us balance and something to rally around, a cause, you know? Sorry if that makes you feel used." "How could it? Makes me feel great, though a bit weird. I'm not so much." "Modest as well." "I think if I was on my death bed you'd still tease me." "Hell yeah! Especially if you were on your death-bed! What better way to make you feel better than to treat you exactly as always! One of the bigger reasons I'm not much for letting people see this side of me: there's the risk that I'll start getting treated with kid gloves, and that's no way to live. So don't you start with that shit, okay? I'm not to be handled with care, got that?" "I take no orders from you, I'll treat you however I like." "Good boy." I can see the smile, right there in my head as if he was looking right at me. "So I got some serious talk out of you in the end after all, then!" I say, faking smugness. "Yes, full marks for sneakiness and conniving." "You make it sound so underhanded," This time the emotion I'm affecting is hurt. "You'll get over it," he says lightly, in an almost sing-songy voice. "Suppose." "And I'LL get over it, to get serious again for a moment." "Until tomorrow then?" "Yes, damn, did I ruin your weekend with Elliot?" "It was hardly you! I was the one who suggested it, and brought you all." "Team effort then." "Perhaps, but anyway, nothing was ruined, we had a fabulous Saturday and the waking part of today was very nice as well." "Well, good, cheers then?" "Bye." (Edit by Ed)