The Smile is a story about gay teenagers who are discovering their sexuality. If sex between male teenagers is offensive to you, illegal for you to read or if you are underage then you should move on to something else.
The Smile is a work of pure fiction -- the characters and the events do not represent any person or situation. Copyright © 2003-2004 by Reader of Tales, all rights reserved. You may contact me by email@example.com. Note this is a new email address once again.
~Reader of Tales, Dec 19, 2003
The Smile - Chapter 2 - It was all a dream
Andy awoke to the sound of his mother, "Andy, time to get up! First day at the new school!"
He sat bolt upright in bed. What was going on? What did she mean the first day of school. But what about the last 9 ...
Then it hit him, like a freight train. None of what he remembered of Dan actually happened. It was all a dream. That realisation made him burst into tears with a sense of loss so deep he almost wanted to take his life right there and then.
How could he have just dreamed it all? It was so real. Dan's smile was so real. The rides on the bus were so real. Dan was so real. His hug felt so good, so real and yet it hadn't even happen. The whole thing was a dream.
How in the world could this have happened? He knew today was going to be a difficult day to begin with. Now it seemed impossible that he could start the day let alone continue it.
He had his plan figured out. It would just be a matter of making it through the day. But that meant getting the day started which meant pulling himself together. "Just take a deep breath," he told himself.
"Kyle, time to get up. First day of school."
"Yeah, and the first day of school without Andy," thought Kyle. "The last two weeks have been hell and now I have to go to school without him. How am I gonna survive."
It was true, Kyle had moped around with nothing to do without his best friend. No! More than just best friend. His brother and more.
Kyle didn't understand what he felt for Andy. He knew that he loved him like a brother but there was something more that he did not want to think about but couldn't stop thinking about. How do you describe such a relationship.
They were almost always together. But not anymore now that Andy's parents had moved away two weeks ago.
"God, this is gonna be the worst day of my life. Then the next is gonna be even worse. I can't do this."
Andy wondered what had happened that stopped Kyle from writing to him. Just a few months ago Kyle had given him the pendant he now wore and that he was now looking at. He'd given Kyle one just like it on his birthday only 3 weeks later. "Best friends forever". Yeah right. Where was his best friend now? Sure, it wasn't Kyle's fault that Andy had to move. He'd only been here two weeks but Kyle had only written once, the first day after he had left. Nothing since.
Andy wished he had been able to talk to Kyle about how he had felt about him. They were best friends but Andy loved Kyle more than that. He was in love with Kyle but he couldn't tell him that. Even when they were about to be parted forever.
How he missed Kyle. And how it hurt that Kyle had dropped him the moment he was gone.
Kyle was so depressed. Andy was gone forever. He had written once but it was too painful to continue. Now that Andy was gone, he had decided to completely put him out of his mind. But it wasn't working and he was becoming more depressed everyday. He sighed.
He had no other friends here. When Kyle had first moved here two years ago, Andy had had some other friends but not close ones. Kyle was instantly accepted into their group but like Andy, was never close to the rest. He and Andy, on the other hand had become soul mates. They seemed to understand each other without talking about it. Like they were destined to be friends for life.
The others moved on leaving the two of them alone which suited them just fine at the time. Now the thought just made him feel even more lonely.
He couldn't imagine what school was going to be like today without his friend. Just himself. All by himself.
Half an hour later Andy was walking to the bus stop. He arrived early, just like in his dream. Funny he was now much more composed than he was in his dream. It was a surreal feeling, having dreamed of this exact situation the night before. However, there were distinct differences. There was no ditch, just a flat grassy area. More evidence that he had dreamed the whole thing.
Other kids were starting to arrive. Again, none of the ones that had been in his dream. Then again, in his dream he wasn't really paying attention to others.
As he had expected, no Dan. The emptiness was really starting to hit him. He realised just how much he had been hoping that Dan was real, that it hadn't been a dream. But he knew that wasn't going to be the case.
He boarded the bus and sat at the back. Looking up he saw that there wasn't anyone smiling, in fact, noone was looking at him at all. It was as if he didn't even exist. And there was that surreal feeling again. Sorta like deja vu but so different at the same time.
For Kyle, the walk to school was a blur as all he could think about was how lonely he was and how different he was from the other boys.
He had gone out with a couple of girls in the last year but every time he was with one, he couldn't stop thinking about Andy. But that wasn't right. He was a boy and he was supposed to like girls. This was just too wierd and scary. He must be the only one in the world to be thinking this way.
Also, Kyle noticed some time ago when watching movies when a boy and girl kissed or did stuff like that, he always wanted to be the girl kissing the boy. This really bothered him. Why was he having these thoughts? What was wrong with him?
He wished he could have talked to someone about what was happening to him but he couldn't tell his parents. And his only friend was the one he wanted to kiss so he could talk to him about it either.
How he so much wanted to be like everyone else.
Classes seem to be taking forever. At one point, Andy had thought he'd already had lunch but it was still only second period. Probably just flashbacks to his dream. At that thought he almost lost it. Fortunately, he'd taken to sitting at the back of the classroom so noone saw it happen.
The teacher was talking about atoms and molecules. Something about how these formed everything around us. They were in the air we breathed. He could hear his own breathing as if everything had slowed down. Each breath was an eternity during which he had to contemplate what he was about to do and what he was, an abomination. Why did God let this happen? Why did he allow the dream to feel so real? Why couldn't Dan be real? Again, here he was getting the raw end of the stick. Life had passed him by and now he was going to pass it by.
Why was this class taking so long?
"Andy!", someone shouted. It was the teacher. What had she said?
"Sorry, I didn't hear the question. Could you please repeat it?"
Several in the class snickered. It was obvious he had zoned out.
"I asked who can tell me what atoms make up the water molecule? Andy, do you know?"
"Um, ah, I think hydrogen and oxygen. Two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. Usually called H2O."
"That is correct Andy," the teacher said, smiling at him. This made him feel a little better. But he didn't want to feel better. Still...
Funny, he remembered that from the dream. How in the world could he have gotten that right in a dream? He didn't remember having learned that before.
Math class was always the most boring. Kyle remembered how much Andy loved this class. To top it all off, the teacher was Andy's favorite. Kyle remembered sitting at the back of the class trying to get Andy's attention but Andy was glued to the jumble of numbers and letters that were written on the board.
He remembered thinking that Andy was a wierdo - treating this garbage like some sorta entertainment. But, in the end, it was because of Andy that Kyle was able to get a B+ last year. They used to study together every evening.
Now, even that was gone. Without Andy, Kyle wasn't sure how he was gonna pass math, let alone get anything above a D. This only served to make him more depressed and tears began to fall down his cheeks. Good thing he was at the back of the class.
Lunch time finally came. Everything was different now. The cafeteria was smaller and the lunch it served was tasteless. Nothing Andy would miss anyway which was fine by him.
He sat at a table in the far corner. It was empty accept for one girl who didn't seem to notice that he'd even sat down. Again, this didn't bother him since he hadn't intended to talk to anyone anyway.
Halfway through his tasteless lunch he realised that someone was standing right behind him. He felt more than saw that the person was there. They stood there for what seemed like hours during which time he felt the heat eminating between their two bodies. The person was close, real close.
Finally, he was grabbed from behind and pulled to his feet within inches of a face full of hatred and fear, that of an athletic boy he recognised from his first period class. This boy was obviously not a swimmer like himself, but more of a football player type. His whole body shouted, "Power!"
The boy just stood there staring for what seemed like hours saying nothing with words. Andy finally broke the trance. "May I help you?" he said calmly?
When the boy finally spoke he only said two words, "After school!" and then Andy found himself falling to the ground in a heap. The look on the other kid's faces told him that this wasn't a good situation. But he remembered what he was planning to do after school and this wasn't really any worse.
"Hey Kyle, where's your boyfriend?"
He and Andy had often been picked on at school but they were used to it and they had each other to get them through each day. This was the first time Kyle was utterly alone without hope of help from Andy.
Lunch had always been the worst time. Although Andy hated sandwiches and prefered to have a hot lunch, he would bring a sandwich lunch instead to avoid the cafeteria.
Kyle had decided to see of things would be different, but they weren't. And, without Andy with him it seemed even worse.
Just as Kyle was walking to a table with his lunch, a kid he didn't even recognise stuck out his foot and tripped him. Everything on his lunch tray went flying - nothing survived. Worse yet, his ravioli ended up on Sherry Kelly's new dress. What made that so bad was that she was dating the football captain and he was not please to say the least.
Kyle was lifted to his feet and thrown against the cafeteria door. "Look what you did to my girlfriend you dweeb. You're gonna pay. I'll be looking for you after school."
"Well, that coulda been alot worse," Kyle thought to himself. "At least I'm still in one piece. Yeah, right. What good is that gonna do me when I meet dumb jock Tom after school?"
Kyle longed to be with Andy now more than ever. Could this day get any worse? Pulling out his pendant he read the inscription to himself once more. "'Best friends forever' Why did you have to leave, Andy, when I'm just starting to figure out what this means? When I needed you most?"
Gym class - how Andy usually hated this class but for some reason, not today. In fact, he seemed to do well for a change. He wasn't picked last and he was able to actually participate in the game.
Changing afterwards, he didn't sit in the corner as he usually did. Instead he just acted like any of the others except THAT part of him was at attention the moment he looked at the other boys as they changed.
This did not sit well with the others at all. Some tough kid, who was the "captain" of the team he did not get picked for started on him at once. "Hey, looky what we have here. Must be a queer. Turned on by my cock are ya you cock sucker?"
Andy's face fell. The day had been going fairly well up to this point. Now what could he do. He was caught. At that moment a fist hit him in the chin and then another in the gut. He was doubled over in pain when a foot connected with his groin.
After that, he only remembered someone moving him. After some time he found himself in the nurses office. The gym teacher sitting him down carefully on the bed. He had his gym shorts back on at least. Someone else came in carrying the rest of his clothes and school stuff but he didn't care. He was in too much pain.
The nurse checked him over but fortunately it looked like everything would be OK. He was able to breath again and could now sit up gingerly with just a little pain where he'd been kicked. Amazingly, there was no blood.
After about 30 minutes he was allowed to leave for class.
Kyle had band in the middle of the afternoon. That was where he was now. This was the one class that he had not shared with Andy.
"I wonder what Andy is dong now," he thought. He had been preoccupied with Andy all day but for some reason, being in the one class where he never saw Andy seemed to make him all the more lonely.
"Hey, dweeb! Stop looking at me. Tom's already mad enough at you. You don't want me to tell him you're staring at me in band now, do you?" It was Sherry, Tom's girlfriend.
"Oh... sorry... just ....," he stammered.
"Thinking about me?" she said seductively, "or your lost boyfriend, Andy?"
Kyle went red with embarrassment but fortunately Sherry took it for anger and backed off. "Sorry, don't be so touchy."
"Wow, that was close," he thought.
After the incident in the change rooms, word got around the school fast. Andy entered his last class with a few minutes to spare before the end of the day. On his way back to his locker other kids were staring at him, whispering to each other.
When he got to his locker, he knew immediately why. On his locker in bright red marker were two words. FAG! and QUEER! This didn't seem to bother him though. He knew it wouldn't matter after today anyway.
The only problem he had now, was getting out of the school without being stopped. First there were the kids who pushed him around as he headed down the hall. Two times he was tripped. At least 5 kids threw something at him, it might have been garbage. He was pushed down the stairs. Again this didn't really bother him except that he wanted to die, not just end up in the hospital.
Then there was the problem with the "After school." guy. He was waiting outside the main doors, ready to escort Andy to some pre-arranged location for who knows what purpose. After walking and being pushed around for 15 minutes, he was punched and kicked again, although not nearly as bad this time.
"This is for looking at me funny this morning!" shouted the boy before he took off.
School was over and Kyle was free at last. Now it is just a matter of getting home without getting killed. "Perhaps if I go out the back way, take the path the follows the train tracks out to the main road," he considered.
However, as soon as he turned the corner to go to his locker, there was Tom and his gang. "Do they need four guys to keep me from running?" This thought didn't make it any easier but what could he do now?
"Hey there dweeb. Didn't want you to forget our little date." With that they grabbed him roughly by the arms and dragged him outside. The door near his locker exitted near a treed lot which is where they took him now.
Tom wasted no time. No sooner had he been thrown to the ground and Tom grabbed him by the back of the shirt with one arm and the other landed square on his jaw. Next moment there was another punch in the stomach, knocking the air out of him.
Kyle lay rolled up in a fetal position, eyes squeezed shut, waiting for the next blow, but it never came. Slowing and painfully he sat up, looking around to see where the next attack was going to come from but he was all alone. "Well, that coulda been worse," he found himself thinking for the second time today.
His jaw hurt but it didn't seem like any damage had been done. Other than a little pain and finding it hard to breath he seemed to have faired quite well considering. Only thing left to do was to see what his face looked like. His reflection in the school windows showed no signs of being hit. Good, nothing to explain to his mom.
"I sure hope Andy is having a better time at his new school," he thought.
A little while later Andy recovered and went to the drug store like he planned. He'd ask about sleeping pills. He'd seen it on TV once. But the pharmacist said he'd need a prescription. What else could he do? He couldn't ask what else would work, could he?
On his way home, he found himself beside a bridge thinking, "It would be so easy to just jump." But in the end he continued on.
He was walking through an alley when he thought he saw something flash up ahead. If only someone would kill him right here, right now.
Just down the road from his house he was almost hit by a car when someone can screaming around the corner just missing him. "That would have be quick," he thought.
When he arrived home, he went to the medicine cabinet and took out some bottles. He was looking for something that said something like "contact a physician in case of an overdose." He found one. This was it.
Kyle was sitting in his room trying to find the energy to start his homework. He was so depressed. He'd never felt so alone in his life. It was even worse than this morning.
As days go this was definitely the worst of Kyle's life. His best friend was gone. A friend who was so much more; math tutor, friend, confidant, brother and ...
At this point he burst into tears. How could he go on. But what else could he do? Perhaps he should write to Andy again. Perhaps cutting himself off from Andy had not been the right thing to do. If only he could be with Andy now. Just being in the same room had always been enough before but now...
What was happening to him? Why did he want to hold Andy, to be held by Andy? He couldn't understand these strange feelings.
Ever been in one of those situations where you're sure you've been there but you know you haven't? Sorta like deja vue but different? Well this was becoming one of those days and more. Andy had no sooner downed half the bottle of pills when he was suddenly in that alley surrounded by kids twice his size. One of them had a knife.
He backed away only to find himself up against a wall. In a flash, the knife penetrated his side. Then all at once, he was in the middle of the road and that screaming car was coming at him. It was over in a flash. He felt the car slam into his body.
Again, something was wrong because now he was on the bridge, standing on the railing. In the instant it took for him to comprehend what was happening, he was push off balance by a gust of wind.
Kyle had finally gotten his homework started. Crying seemed to have helped. It still hurt to be away from Andy but he could deal with it for now. He was almost finished his homework, just about to start math, when it hit him again, only this time the feeling was different. He thought at first that it had something to do with the fact that Andy wasn't here to help him with math but what he felt now was concern - as if Andy was is real danger.
This sudden anxiety struck him almost as much as the blow stupid jock Tom gave him to his stomach earlier. He couldn't breath. What was happening?
Andy was falling. But where? Backward in the bathroom, forward in the alley, through the air in front of his house, below a bridge toward the water below? He couldn't tell. All he knew at that moment was that he didn't want to die. But whatever had happened it was too late.
He cried out for help that he knew would never come now. Screaming at the top of his lungs for the chance to do it all again. Knowing that it was too late. He'd taken that fatal step that could not be undone.
But what was happening? It was taking so long to fall. If he opened his eyes what would happen? Where would he find himself?
Kyle wasn't sure what was happening to Andy but he was sure that he'd lost him forever now. Something was seriously wrong. And he couldn't do anything about it. He thought the day couldn't get any worse but now he felt nothing but despair. He was finally understanding what he was feeling and it ws too late to do anything about it. He just wanted to die.
Andy awoke to the sound of his mother, "Andy, time to get up! First day at the new school!"
He sat bold upright in bed. What was going on? What did she mean the first day of school. But what about the last 9 ...
Wait a minute, deja vue or what? What was happening to him? Did he really have to do this day over again? "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Someone was shaking him. But, he didn't want to face reality. It was too cruel.
"Andy, wake up man. Andy, what's up? You're having a nightmare."
He sat bolt upright again. "Dan! You're real! I didn't dream it all!" and he burst into tears once more.
When he recovered he said, "I dreamed that this was all a dream. I woke up on the first day of school and you weren't there. It hurt so bad that I thought I'd dreamed it all. Then when I tried to kill myself, everything went crazy. I was dying 4 different ways at once. It was then that I realized I wanted to live."
"Then I woke up again on the first day and that's when I yelled 'No!' It was just horrible without you. I was beaten twice in one day. Dan, I don't ever want to loose you again. Please hold me."
I held him tight and he almost crushed me once again. I was crying too. It was obvious how scared he was.
It felt good holding him. I wanted to take all the pain and hurt and fear away. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy but together we'd make it through this.
"Andy, " I said, "no matter what it takes I will be here for you. I can only imagine what you went through in that dream. I wish you hadn't had to do it all alone. But now, I am here and we are together. We'll make it together."
We held each other for what seemed like an eternity. Neither one of us wanting that moment to fade lest we find ourselves alone, without one another. From the way Andy described his dream, it sounded so real. It made me think of being without him and it hurt just to think about it. It was then that I realized how much I had come to care about him.
"Andy, I love you. I never want to be without you."
"I love you too, Dan. I didn't realize how much until I had this dream. I never want to loose you again."
It was the perfect moment. It was like our lips were made for each other. When they came together it was incredible. I was seeing fireworks and I melted into Andy's arms.
**** Please read this ****
In The Smile, both Andy and Kyle think about ending their own lives to solve the loneliness and despair that they feel. Fortunately for these two boys they are both still very much alive.
Although at times life may seem tough or even unbearable, please talk to somebody first before taking the irreversible step of taking your own life. There are many others around the world who are going through or have gone through the same things you are and they would be happy listen.
The two links below may offer you some help online. I know that for many of us this is our only contact with anyone in the gay community. The thought of actually talking to someone in person or even on the phone is intimidating. Please do the next best thing. Contact someone online.
The second link has many resources for those who are hurting inside. Don't keep it to yourself. Talk to someone.
Thank you for the opportunity to write this story for you, the reader. I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed it.
If you like The Smile and would like to see it continue, please send comments to:firstname.lastname@example.org. Note this is a new email address once again.
I am always interested in hearing what others have to say about my story. I also find it interesting to hear who your favorite character is and why, and perhaps even who you relate with the most. Are there things in my story that touch you in a specific or special way or that you can relate to most?
My goal for this story is to provide experiences from mine and other's pasts to help you, the readers, with situations in your own lives. Please let me know if I have done that for you.
All flames will be ignored.