The Smile is a story about gay teenagers who are discovering their sexuality. If sex between male teenagers is offensive to you, illegal for you to read or if you are underage then you should move on to something else.
The Smile is a work of pure fiction -- the characters and the events do not represent any person or situation. Copyright © 2003-2004 by Reader of Tales, all rights reserved. You may contact me by firstname.lastname@example.org. Note this is a new email address once again.
~Reader of Tales, Oct 2, 2004
The Smile - Chapter 9 - It feels just right
That night, as Kyle lay in bed, he was thinking more about Andy and what could have been. He realized recently that he had fallen in love with Andy, that they had become more than friends or brothers without knowing it. Now that he knew that Andy felt the same way, he was left with a sadness. Oh, he was still very happy with the way things turned out but at the same time he couldn't get rid of the feeling of emptiness that lingered.
He still missed Andy terribly but they would talk regularly and he knew they had both become comfortable with their new relationship - not that it had really changed but just knowing the truth was a change in itself.
He wondered what Dan was like. Hearing about how close Andy was to killing himself had scared Kyle. He was so grateful to Dan for saving his friend from death. If only he had known about everything Andy was going through. He looked forward to meeting Dan someday.
And wow, Andy's parents knew about Dan and Andy, and Dan now lived with them and they slept in the same bed. He had always liked Andy's family but he was surprised by how much they had accepted their son's being gay. And the reaction of Dan's dad was such a contrast by comparison. He shuddered. That must have been scary for Dan; and even for Andy.
Hearing about the vastly different reactions did not help Kyle with his situation at all. He had no idea what his mom would do. But he knew he had to tell her. As much as it scared him to death, he didn't want her to find out about him and Ian from someone else. It was probably going to be enough of a shock as it was.
Kyle's thoughts drifted to Ian, HIS boyfriend. He thought about how it felt to hold Ian - to just be with him and cuddle. They talked about so many things just sitting this way, taking turns with who held whom.
He thought about how electrifying it was to kiss Ian. He loved the passionate kisses they'd had but loved the soft, gentle kisses even more. He used to imagine what it was like to kiss a girl when he was younger but nothing he imagined ever came close to what he actually experience with his boyfriend. The taste of Ian's lips, the feel of their tongues exploring each other's mouth, and the closeness, the intimacy of being with each other in this way - it just felt so right.
When he was with Ian, Kyle couldn't imagine anything going wrong in his life. He felt so secure, so happy, so very happy. And with that thought he drifted off to sleep.
"I can't believe your dad's in the hospital. Any idea what happened?" Andy asked.
"No, mom just got a call at work this afternoon. Apparently he's been there for a couple of days but couldn't tell anyone who he was. He didn't have his wallet. I don't know anything more than that yet."
Dan was laying next to his boyfriend, under the covers, with his head on Andy's chest. He loved laying with Andy like this. Andy was stroking his finger through Dan's hair. This is how they ended their days now, cuddling and talking about the days events or their relationship or their families.
A tear fell from Dan's eye onto Andy's chest. He'd been tearful most of the evening, ever since he'd found out about his dad. Andy held him tighter. He knew Dan still had mixed emotions about his dad.
"I wish I knew what made him freak out like that," Dan sniffed. "And why is he in the hospital? Did he check himself in or did someone else check him in?"
There were too many unanswered questions. Even his mom did not yet know what had happened although Dan got the impression there was something she wasn't telling him.
"Dan, this isn't your fault. Your dad's reaction isn't completely normal for parents who freak out when they find out they have a gay son." They'd discussed all this with Andy's parents and everyone agreed that there was more going on than could be explained by the circumstances.
"I know. I just wish I knew what it was. I mean, I had no warning that my dad would react with such violence nor that he'd end up in the psyche ward at the hospital. He's never hit me in the past, and I mean never. My parents don't believe in corporal punishment."
"Lucky you. I'm glad my parents stopped that when I turned 10. But, you'll know soon enough about your dad. Your mom'll find out and he'll get help. It's just gonna take time."
There was a long pause while Dan let fall a few more tears.
"And I am here for you, always, baby," Andy finally said as he gave Dan another squeeze.
Dan sniffed back a few more tears and then replied, "Thanks love. I'm not sure what I would have done without you."
"Wow, that was great! I don't think we've ever done a first run through that well. You're sight reading has improved even more since you started with the band."
Ian was a little embarrassed being praised so highly from his boyfriend when Kyle had just done an equally spectacular job. "Well, I was inspired by the best!" he said grinning and then continue, "And you set the pace. Just keepin' up, that's all."
"We make a great team, don't we?" Kyle said, smiling back. "Since we did such a great job, let's just touch up that middle section. I missed a few notes going up that scale. Too many accidents with the accidentals," he finished laughing at his own joke.
Ian giggled a bit and then retorted, "Well, at least your clarinet playing is better than your jokes."
With that Kyle poked him in the sides and a full scale tickle fight was about to ensue but Kyle stopped abruptly saying, "Hey, let's finish this and then we can get into a more comfortable tickle cuz who knows where it will lead us."
Ian's grin caused Kyle's heart to skip a beat. "Ok boss."
After fixing those few notes and playing the section one last time the two lovers high fived each other and proceeded to put their instruments away.
Two minutes later they were on the floor of the living room each determined not to be the first one out of breath. Kyle lost. Ian was on top of him and had just moved from incessant tickling to passionate kissing. The war, having moved to that of a passionate tongue domination, continued for another couple of minutes. Ian started grinding his groin into Kyle's hip while Kyle followed suit. This probably would have gone on for hours if the door in the kitchen hadn't just slammed shut.
They pulled apart and looked up in time to see Ian's mom standing there, seemingly nonplussed.
"Hi mom," an embarrassed Ian said quietly.
"Oh, hi Mrs. Canten." Kyle was now blushing as he and Ian pulled apart.
"Please, Kyle, call me Anne and you two have nothing to be embarrassed about. I saw a lot worse with your two uncles, Ian."
She walked into the room and hugged both boys close to her. When she let them go, she looked at then both and said, "I want to tell you both how sorry I am for what I did to you. I want you to be comfortable around me. Just keep the sex upstairs behind the locked door. OK?"
"Sure!" both boys said at the same time. Ian continue, "Thanks, mom. You're the best."
Neither boy had missed her comment about sex and they both beamed at each other.
"Doctor Orland, please contact radiology. Doctor Orland, please contact radiology."
Dan hated hospitals. They smelled funny and he felt like he was going to be sick just by walking in the doors. He fully expected walking into the psychiatric ward for it to be like some of those movies you see on TV with padded cells and bars on the door windows but he was pleasantly surprised when the unit looked more like someone's home. That immediately put him at ease.
They were going to meet the doctor who had been assessing his dad's condition. His mom had already been to see him earlier in the week. He wanted to talk about the events leading up to Rick's break down. Dan had given her his OK to talk about him. He figured it would all come out in the wash at some point anyway.
Dr. Davidson was a man of average size who looked like he was around 40. In truth, he was 55. He had been blessed with the family genes as both his mom and dad, who were in their 80's looked to be in the mid 60's.
"Please have a seat, Dan, Mrs. Brunner. I'm Dr. Davidson. I assume your mother has told you about what we'd like to do?"
"A little, sir. You wanna see if my dad still reacts violently to me."
"Yes, son. My hope is that he will eventually be able to talk about what has happened. For now, though, I suspect he will not be happy to see you. If that is confirmed, it will be some time before you can see him again. Do you understand?"
"Any questions?" There was a small pause while both Dan and Sarah shook their heads. "Let's proceed then. I want Mrs. Brunner to go in first. I will let you know when to enter Dan."
Sarah entered the room and gently, quietly talked to her husband. He was looking up at the ceiling, just staring at it. He moved his eyes briefly from the ceiling to his wife, acknowledging her presence and then looked up once again.
"I miss you Rick. It isn't the same without you beside me at night. And mornings aren't the same when you aren't there to start the coffee. Mom and dad send their love. We all hope you can be home soon."
Sarah paused to see if her words were having an effect. Rick said nothing.
At this point, the door opened and Dan walked in with Dr. Davidson. They stood just inside the door waiting for Sara to announce Dan's entrance. "Look Rick, Dan is here to visit with you."
The reaction was immediate. Rick tried to sit up, tried to grab anything he could get his hands on but they were tied to the bed. And lucky too because he would have taken a piece out of Dan if he'd had the chance. His thrashing was as violent if not worse than back at the house. And with that, Dan left the room.
The door to the bedroom was locked and Ian and Kyle were again, locked together, kissing, with Ian on top. They were again grinding their groins together. Ian could feel Kyle's hardon and he was sure Kyle could feel his.
Ian moved down to kiss Kyle's neck. He worked up to Kyle's ears and gently nibbled the lobes. With his tongue, he carressed the inside of Kyle's right ear and quietly whispered, "I love you, Kyle. I love your lips, your tongue, your neck and I think your ears are cute."
Moving up to sniff Kyle's hair, Ian continued, "I love the way you smell." Raking the fingers of his right hand through Kyle's hair he spoke again, "Your hair is so soft. I love you, my boyfriend."
Kyle replied, "And I love having you on top of me, Ian. Your body fits just right where you are. And I love your smell too. This just feels so right."
With that, Ian sat up on his knees and helped Kyle remove his shirt. Kyle then took hold of the bottom of Ian's shirt and pulled it off of him.
Ian lowered his head down to Kyle's tummy and proceded to kiss from just bellow the belly button, on up, stopping long enough at Kyle's inny to stick his tongue in, using it to tickle Kyle slightly. Kyle giggled.
Ian continued up to Kyle's chest, moving first to one nipple to massage and flick it with his tongue and then to the other. He didn't stay here long, being in a hurry to get back to his favorite part of Kyle, his lips. And with that Ian lay full on top of Kyle pressing their bellies and chests togther to then continue the passionate kissing once again.
Kyle was in heaven. The feel of Ian's skin on his was incredible. Just like the electricity he felt when they kissed only more intense. He could just imagine what the rest was going to feel like.
And so, the two boys took their time, enjoying the feel of one body against another.
Fifteen minutes later Dan was sitting across the desk from Dr. Davidson. Sarah had stayed with Rick who became calmed when she sat next to him and put her hand on his face. It was then that he started to weep.
"Dan, don't take it personally. Your father is experiencing some sort of psychological trauma. The fact that it was triggered by your coming out leads me to believe that something happened to him when he was around your age or even younger. I have my suspicions but it is going to take time to figure this out."
Dan was calmed by these words. He really had wondered why his being gay would elicit such a violent reaction. He'd read about any number of ways that parents tend to react but his dad didn't seem to fit with any of the norms.
"Are you ok son?" he asked when Dan just sat there.
"Yes, sir. I was just thinking about things. It has really bothered me that dad has reacted so violently. It doesn't seem to fit with the dad I grew up with and the things I've read about on the internet. What you've just told me makes me feel better. I guess I was blaming myself a bit for all of this."
"I know that what you did in coming out to your parents took a lot of courage. Just talking to me must take a lot of courage. This probably hasn't helped you much. I understand that your boyfriend's family has been very supportive.
"You are lucky that one of you has such a situation. That doesn't always happen. And when something like what you are going through does happen, the partner is inadvertently outted in the process and that doesn't always go well either."
"Andy and his family have been great. Andy puts up with me crying myself to sleep while he holds me." The tears were starting again. "I don't know what I would have done without him."
Greg and Clara entered the kitchen after shopping at the mall. Andy was sitting at the table having a late afternoon snack.
"Don't you go spoiling your appetite young man," Clara mock scolded him as she entered. "Dinner is going to be at six and we are fixing one of Dan's favorites."
"Leave him be, Clara, he's a growing boy and needs all the food he can get. And I bet that eating is taking his mind off Dan's visit with his dad."
"Actually I was just hungry. And I know better than to say I'm not hungry at dinner. It's not like it ever worked before so why would I start now?" He gave his mom a genuine smile that told her "thank you" for helping lighten the mood.
His dad was right about one thing, he was worried for Dan. This whole thing hadn't been easy on him. It's not everyday that you go from the most understanding parents to the least understanding. It would have been different if Andy's dad had been the one to freak out. That at least would have been closer to the expected response than what he actually got.
"So, how are you doing, Andy? This hasn't been easy on Dan but it must also weigh heavily on you, too." Clara sat next to her son and put a hand on his free arm.
"I'm OK," he said. "Worried about Dan though. I'm glad he's here where I can take care of him."
"We are too, son," Greg continued the conversation. "And I want you to know how impressed I am that you are doing that. I've watched how you gently and subtly remind him of what he's forgotten because his mind is else where."
Andy blushed. He'd been careful to not seem obvious. On the one hand he was glad his parents noticed but at the same time he didn't want Dan to think he was incapable of running his own life. Dan would probably appreciate the effort but be resentful that anyone thought he'd need it.
"We also want you to know that we support your relationship 100%. And you two make a wonderful couple. Seeing you together just seems right for some reason."
"Thanks guys. That means a lot to me. Especially after what Dan has gone through. I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't been OK with us."
At that moment, the back door opened again, as Dan and Sarah entered the kitchen. Dan looked ready to break at any moment. Andy was there in a flash, his arms around his boyfriend and Dan let it all out, clinging to Andy for dear life.
Sarah put her arm on Andy's shoulder in a gesture of thanks then went and sat at the table with Greg and Clara.
"Andy, why don't you take Dan upstairs for a bit," Greg suggested.
After they had left, Sarah filled them in on what had happened at the hospital.
"Dan was strong for the most part. The doctor said that he'll be fine. Now Rick is another matter altogether. No one knows exactly what happened but they suspect possible sexual abuse as a child which would explain a lot.
Upstairs, Andy sat with his back against the wall cradling Dan in his arms. He kissed the top of his boyfriend's head while he comforted him. Nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. Andy knew Dan was hurting and that he just needed time.
Dan knew that he was the luckiest guy in the world to have Andy there to hold him. He'd noticed how Andy helped him remember things. He wasn't even sure if Andy knew he was doing it. But if he did, he was grateful that Andy was sensitive enough to not make a big deal out of it. He had the best boyfriend in the world.
Ian awoke to the sound of knocking. "I'll be up soon."
"Boys, dinner will be ready in 10 minutes. Time to get cleaned up."
Ian opened his eyes. It was dark. And then he remembered what happened. He and Kyle had just had sex for the first time.
"Um, get cleaned up is right." Kyle was beside him in the dark.
Ian reached and hugged his boyfriend. But he knew Kyle was right. They had both cum in their pants in their excitement. "That was great, wasn't it?"
"Oh yeah! Jacking off will never be the same again." They both giggled at that. "But I have a small problem."
"Just a small one? It felt big to me. Ouch."
Somewhere in the dark Kyle had just kicked him at the joke, obviously not impressed with that.
"That was a compliment, by the way," Ian offered.
"I know," giggled Kyle. "I just couldn't resist."
The tickle war resumed briefly followed the war of the tongues and then another knock at the door.
"C'mon boys. It's gonna get cold if you aren't at the table in 5 minutes."
"You can wear some of my clothes. And I won't ever wash them again."
"Ew. That might not be a good idea," Kyle laughed back.
A few minutes later they boys had cleaned up and were about to leave the room when Kyle stopped them. "Won't your mom notice I have your clothes on?"
"Probably, but I've already thought about that."
They headed out to the table and were just in time to find piping hot pizza. "Yay! Pizza! My favorite. Thanks Mom."
"I hope Kyle likes pizza too."
"Who doesn't?" Kyle asked.
"Ian's dad," Anne said. "Ian, aren't those your clothes Kyle is wearing?"
"Yeah, we fell asleep upstairs and woke up all sweaty," Ian replied as Kyle blushed.
"Oh, well bring them out and I'll wash them for you."
"Um, mom, that's ok. I'll do it," and this time Ian blushed too.
Seeing the embarrassed looks Anne decided to leave it alone figuring she knew why they were both blushing. She did her best to just smile but in the end a giggle of her own escaped.
This put the boys somewhat at ease but not totally.
That night Sarah cried long and hard. She cried for Dan because he was having to endure rejection that was out of proportion to the situation. Being kicked out or given the silent treatment or perhaps being beaten up might have made some sense - not that it would have been right. But this was more than any 16 year old should have to bear. And she wondered how long before Dan could even be around Rick.
She cried for Rick because he was obviously distressed over something that had happened in the past. His reaction to Dan didn't make sense otherwise. But what could have happened that would cause a man to change almost literally overnight?
If only his parents hadn't passed away not long after they'd gotten married. Maybe they could have shed some light on the subject. Rick had no siblings so that wasn't an option either. He'd always been so quiet about his childhood.
Sarah also cried for herself. She knew she had to be the strong one. She would be there for her husband. And she would provide for Dan. She was so grateful to Greg and Clara for taking Dan in and to Andy for being the emotional support that Dan needed.
She'd often thought that kids their age didn't have a clue about life and commitment but she could see that Andy had a clue. Not only did he want to take care of Dan, but he did it quietly, so much so that she wasn't sure that Dan had even noticed. And Dan's first show of emotion was to Andy. Their love for each other was evident when they were together and she knew that would do them well in their relationship. It would also be trouble for them outside of home.
There was a knock at her bedroom door.
"Come in mother," Sarah responded.
"How are you doing sweetheart?" Amanda asked as she came in and sat beside her daughter.
"I'm OK. The emotion of the day is catching up with me, that's all."
"Sarah, don't give me that. This has been a traumatic time for you, Dan and Rick. And you are the one left to be strong for the family. You need to unwind too, you know. Dan has his friend and his friend's family. And you have us." And she put her arm around Sarah who sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes.
"It was so hard to see Rick like that. It was like he was a different man from the guy I married, mom."
There was a bit of a pause and then Amanda asked, "This young man that is friends with Dan. You say he's taken Dan under his wing? So they are close then?"
Sarah was suddenly worried about where this conversation was going. "Yes, they've become like brothers." She figured that was a safe way to put it.
"Hmm, I wonder," was all that Amanda replied to that. But now she had Sarah's curiosity going.
"What is it mom?"
"Well, a lot of things that I don't have any proof of but let me ask you this. Is Dan gay?"
Now this was the last thing Sarah had expected her mother to ask and it was the one question she wasn't sure she wanted to answer.
Seeing her daughter's startled reaction at being asked about Dan being gay, Amanda offered, "It's just that I've noticed a few things and I've wondered for a while. The way he's looked at the other boys in the neighborhood here when he's visited us, no girlfriend, in fact, never a mention of girls at all. I just wouldn't be surprised."
Now this did surprise Sarah. Since when had her mother been so up-to-date on what being gay was like? So, she took a chance, "Yes, mom, he's gay. We only found out the night Rick went berserk."
"I take it this young man, what did you say his name was? Oh, I remember, Andy? Is this young man his lover?"
Sarah blushed at this. She wasn't used to her mother being so forward. "Yes, they are boyfriends."
"Well, I'm glad Dan has found himself someone. I was starting to worry what with no girlfriend and no mention of a boyfriend either. A young man has to start making his way in the world at some point and it starts with having a partner."
"Mom, you don't have a problem with Dan being gay?"
"Of course not. He is what he was born to be. I watched enough television to know that Dan didn't choose this. And why would he anyway? It's not like it's a popular way to live. And if that is the case, why try to force him to live a life that is not right for him?"
"Thanks mom. I would never have said anything to you about this if you hadn't brought it up. And I underestimated you as well. I didn't think you could handle knowing that Dan is gay. Dan will be pleased to know that you know and that you are OK with him and Andy." And, figuring she go one step further she continue, "And you should see them together. They were made for each other and it seems so right when they are holding each other."
"Well, you tell him that I'd like to meet this young man he's fallen for. It's not everyday that a grandmother whose only grandchild is a boy actually finds herself with a potential grandson-in-law." At this she smiled.
"As far as Rick goes, there was something that happened back when you were very young. Rick was our paperboy back then. He was always so happy. He always had the paper here earlier than we expected it and was thorough in collecting the money as well.
"One summer, when he was about 10 or 11 years old, that stopped. For a while the paper was just late in coming. Then some days it didn't even show up. Within a couple of months, we owed for many weeks of the paper but no one called the distribution department because Rick was loved by us all.
"One day I happened to see him tossing a bunch of papers in the ditch. He saw me and knew he was caught but he didn't run. Instead, he walked over to me and I looked into his eyes and ask him what was wrong. He just stood there as a tear escaped from one eye.
"I held him for a few minutes as he sobbed uncontrollably. He never told me what was wrong but he always came to me and cried. You were only 5 or 6 then.
"He stopped delivering the paper a couple of months later. And the next time I saw him was when you brought him to dinner the summer after your first year of college. I could see then that he was a different person. More mature and yet he was still hurting. But he was happy and I had assumed that college had been good for him.
"I can't be certain but I think something happened that year that traumatized him for life. That is probably the reason he took 3 years off before going to college in the first place otherwise you two might never have met because he would have graduated before you started."
Sarah had been thoughtful through all of this. "When I met him there was something sad about him that I couldn't figure out. Thanks mom. I'm sure Dr. Davidson will be interested in this information. He seems to think that Rick had been sexually abused as a kid."
"Well, that would certainly fit with what I saw of that little boy I knew and how he had changed in such a short time."
**** Please read this ****
In The Smile, both Andy and Kyle think about ending their own lives to solve the loneliness and despair that they feel. Fortunately for these two boys they are both still very much alive.
Although at times life may seem tough or even unbearable, please talk to somebody first before taking the irreversible step of taking your own life. There are many others around the world who are going through or have gone through the same things you are and they would be happy listen.
The two links below may offer you some help online. I know that for many of us this is our only contact with anyone in the gay community. The thought of actually talking to someone in person or even on the phone is intimidating. Please do the next best thing. Contact someone online.
The second link has many resources for those who are hurting inside. Don't keep it to yourself. Talk to someone.
If you want to know what Robert found about religion and homosexuality, there are a couple of books that I found at the library that have been quite useful:
The Church and the Homosexual by John J. McNeill
Now That You Know by Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward
Here is a website that you may also find of interested:
I found the first book the most helpful.
Thank you for the opportunity to write this story for you, the reader. I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed it.
If you like The Smile and would like to see it continue, please send comments to:email@example.com. Note this is a new email address once again.
I am always interested in hearing what others have to say about my story. I also find it interesting to hear who your favorite character is and why, and perhaps even who you relate with the most. Are there things in my story that touch you in a specific or special way or that you can relate to most?
My goal for this story is to provide experiences from mine and other's pasts to help you, the readers, with situations in your own lives. Please let me know if I have done that for you.
All flames will be ignored.