Then and Now
Christopher
Macintosh
This story is
the
fictional blog of a contemporary American teenage boy and the fictional
journal
of a teenager from the nineteen-seventies. This is not real and the
characters,
with the exception of any historical or public figures mentioned, are
not real
and any similarity to real individuals is purely coincidental. This
story is a
gay romance and mystery and though sex will be mentioned, there will be
no
explicit or gratuitous descriptions of sexual activity. This is not a
pornographic story. However, if you still feel you will be offended by
the
content, please read no further. I am not a lawyer and I do not play
one on TV,
(nor have I ever stayed at a Holiday Inn Select- apologies to
non-Americans,
LOL), but I seriously doubt that reading this story will violate any
American
laws. I cannot comment on anything legal outside the
You
may assume that any spelling, grammatical, or factual errors are
deliberate, as
these are supposed to be the works of two adolescent males. Yeah,
that's it.
That's the ticket. They're deliberate! Yeah. And, Heather Locklear told
me so. Yeah!
Chapter Six
Toby's Excellent
Blog- Monday, July
25, 2005
Listening
to-Gwen Stefani
Mood-
I don't effing know
What's
in my head is that my whole world has been turned upside down. I read
the first
volume of my father's journals, one he wrote when he was 14 and in the
ninth
grade. I copied three entries for the blog that I think are pretty
typical. I
am totally blown away.
This
isn't my dad. This isn't the father I knew. The father I knew was
depressed all
the time, I'll admit. But, this! This guy was a snob! He was a jerk! He
was a
pseudo-intellectual asshole. Hell, even I would have kicked his
ass
every day.
The
father I knew was kind and loving and he spent every hour of every day
that was
free from work with me, playing with me, teaching me, loving me, until
Mom
kicked him out. Then he spent every moment he could when they would let
him. He
was never a snob. OK. He always hated football. But, he took me to
baseball
games and we went downtown to see the October Run a few times. I know
he was
brilliant and I could never figure out why someone so intelligent as my
father
never did anything more than just wait tables or do customer
service.But, this
14 year-old kid! He was an ass! Hell, I know I'm depressed all
the time
and I'm always whining and feeling sorry for myself and I know
I insult
the idiots I go to school with. But, I just can't believe the SHIT I
just read
was written by my father.
Of
course, I've missed the one thing that should stand out from all the
other crap
he wrote and this is what really freaks me out. I can't believe I never
saw it.
I can't believe that for eleven years of living with my dad or seeing
him every
two weeks or more, I can't believe with the friends he had, escpecially
the one
that was fooling around with me, I can't believe I never figured it
out. I
guess a son never thinks about his father in that way, but I am totally
blown
away. Totally.
My Dad
was gay.
I just
don't know what else to say. I mean, yeah I'm gay. But, my DAD!
OK. I'm
not trying to be a hypocrite here. I know. I'm gay. I whack it every
night
thinking about Taylor Hanson or Ben Jelen or Jesse McCartney. I perv
over David
now when he parades half-naked in his bedroom window.
But, my
Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments:
Dude-
lighten up- so fuckin what? your dad's gay. so r u. so get a grip. he
has a
right.- velocitigurl
u r
such a pig! how can u juge your dad like that? you only read one part
of his diary.
I thot he was trying to find himself. what if u have kids. u want
hey
that sounds hot. 2 bad you didnt know before. maybe u an
Toby-
I think you might want to read more of his journal before you comment
further.
No matter what, from what you describe, your father loved you very
much. It is
natural that you might feel unnerved by what you've read. But,
remember, he was
fourteen when he wrote that. He had dreams. He was expressing himself.
Every
teenager seeks a way to express him or herself and your father was a
boy
searching for his identity. I think you should read further and you may
understand more.- JCTnVT
Toby's Excellent
Blog- Tuesday, July
26, 2005
Listening
to- babbling librarians
who don't seem to know they work in a library
Mood- bitchy
I can't
believe I did that. David's the only friend I've ever had and after one
week I
fuck it up.I noticed he had his shades drawn last night and I wonder if
he was
leaving them open before on purpose. Did he guess I was gay and was
deliberately parading around for me? That's the only reason I can come
up with
for his shades to be drawn last night. OMG, he knows I'm gay. He was
still my
friend. How did he find out? What did I do? Was he parading around
because he
wanted me to see him?
My brain
is so fucking scrambled. And, then, there are the comments to my blog.
Everyone
thinks I'm an asshole for the way I freaked out about my Dad's journal.
Well,
except for the perv who wrote in. There's always at least one of those.
OK.
Maybe I did freak a bit, but it was such a shock. I mean how often do
you learn
your dad's a snobby gay asshole?
OK. That
wasn't fair. I'm just so fucked up. I don't know what to think. I
couldn't go
back to read more of my dad's journal last night. I'm afraid to. I'm
afraid
I'll learn more stuff I don't want to know. And, I've probably lost
David as a
friend.
What a
fuck up.
PRIVATE
BLOGIOMAIL
FROM:
JCTnVT
TO:
Toby89
RE:
Friendship
First, you are an
intelligent and sensitive boy whom
anyone with any brains would be proud to call a son. Your blog has
shown a boy
who sees things others don't and who feels things others can't.
Therefore, your
emotions are deeper and the pain you feel is greater. Let me assure
you, this
will pass. This is part of being fifteen.
Second, if David is any
kind of friend, then I think he
understands this, as well. This evening, I think you should talk with
him.
Perhaps, you should open up to him. Sometimes, a blog or a journal may
not be
enough. An empty spiral or a monitor and keyboard aren't very good at
hugging
you and telling you that you are just fine the way you are.
Third, read more of your
father's journal. You will learn
more about him. You will learn more of his dreams and loves and
passions and
what made him the man you remember and the man you love.
And, even though he left
you when you were eleven, and
you may not know the circumstances under which this occured, as your
blog
indicates, he still loves you. No matter where he may be or what he is
doing,
you should know that a father always has his son in his thoughts.
Please feel free to PM me
if you feel like discussing
this. I might be able to lend a dispassionate ear, so to speak.
Your friend,
JCTnVT
Toby's
Excellent Blog- Thursday, July 28, 2005
Listening
to- Radiohead
Mood-
inspired
I didn't get a chance to see David
yesterday because of his football practice in the afternoon and I went
to
Faithbuilders last night. Actually, it’s the first time I'm glad I went
to
Wednesday night Youth Group. Rebel was there and he sure lived up to
his name,
well at least the nickname I've given him.
His real name is Will and we sat
near each other, but, as usual, he didn't act like he knew I existed.
That's
the way it usually is with everyone. But, anyway, Brother Seth wanted
to talk
about fighting temptation and I heard Will snort to my right. I don't
know if
Brother Seth heard him, but we went through this long discussion of
what we do
when we feel tempted by Satan to do something we shouldn't do. Of
course,
everyone was giving these lame suggestions about prayer or such. One
guy got a
lot of laughs when he said he did push ups. We all knew what he meant
and
Brother Seth seemed to laugh the most.
Then, during break, I was in the
boys room taking a whizz and several other guys, including Will, were
in there.
The guy who made the push-up joke, Mike something, was at the urinal
next to
mine and Brother Seth was standing behind us against the wall. In his
usual
friendly, just-one-of-the-guys way, he asks Mike, "So, Mike, you have
to
do push-ups a lot, I suppose." He said with a chuckle. Mike looked down
as
he was whizzing and said, "Not really."
"Aw, don't be embarrassed. We
all have to grapple with that. Don't we Toby? I know I sure did when I
was your
age. Still do, sometimes."
There wasn't a word from anyone in
the john. I zipped up and so did Mike and while I was washing my hands,
Brother
Seth took the urinal next to Will. I didn't wait around and neither did
Mike,
and we both left. He didn't say anything and went back to the classroom
with
this really weird look on his face. He wouldn't say anything. I took my
seat
and a minute later, Will came in with a disgusted look on his face. He
plopped
down in his chair, his arms crossed, and seemed to ignore everyone,
like he
does all the time. Then Brother Seth came in, kinda funny looking, like
he was
scared, but trying to act like he wasn't.
Then he announces, that we're
changing the subject and we're going to talk about parents and how to
get along
with them. Will suddenly raises his hand, which makes everyone look
around
because he never says anything in Youth Group. Brother
Seth
couldn't have missed it, but he went on. Some guy says, "Brother Seth,
Will has a question."
Brother Seth gets a really irritated
look on his face, all of a sudden, and says, "OK, Will. What's your
question?"
"Well, I don't think we're
through with talking about temptation yet, Brother Seth. Why don't you
tell us
about how you fight temptation. What kind of temptations do you
have to
fight?"
I looked over at Mike and he nodded
at Will and smiled. A couple of the other guys who had been in the john
with us
kinda chuckled.
Brother Seth was all like, "I
don't think that's appropriate. Let's move on."
And, Will was like, "But,
Brother Seth, you were telling us in the restroom that you used to have
to do a
lot of push-ups when you were our age. You said you still face
temptations
today. So, you have to do push ups after you watch guys taking leaks in
the
boys room, Brother Seth?"
A couple of guys high-fived each
other, but some others, mostly girls, seemed pretty pissed off at Will.
Brother
Seth didn't seem to know what to say.
"Hey, Brother Seth," this
other guy asked, "You have to do push-ups after those private
counseling
sessions with boys, you know the ones where we talk privately about
sex? You
have to do push-ups after that?"
There were more high-fives and the
class almost went chaotic. People were yelling at each other to shut up
or to
congratulate. It was amazing. Then Will stood up and started talking
and
everyone listened.
"You're such a hypocrite. You
stand up there all rightious and talk about following Jesus and damning
those
who don't follow The Way, but you're the biggest hypocrite in here. How
many
guys in here has he made passes at or tried to get friendly
with?"
A bunch of guys stood up or raised
hands. I raised mine too because of the way he tried to hug me too
closely that
Sunday talking to Mom and Fuehrer.
Will started for the door and
announced, "I've had enough of this bullshit." Brother Seth tried to
stop him, but a couple of big guys, like football players or something,
pushed
him back against the wall and said, "It's over, perv. You're toast."
And, then, most of the class walked out. I couldn’t believe it!
A couple of people from the church
staff were outside trying to talk to kids and herd everyone back
inside, but
most people were on their cell phones and refused. Then everyone’s
rides
started showing up. There was this crowd around Will and people were
treating
him like some kind of hero.
Most people were gone when Mom came
by to pick me up. She couldn’t believe it when I told her what
happened. She
was shocked. I had told her that I thought something was wrong with
Brother
Seth, but she and Fuehrer always told me to shut up. Now I know I was
right.
She was pretty quiet the whole way home.
But, I feel like shit now. That
should have been me. Will had the courage to stand up and say what he
felt. I
was just a pussy, afraid to piss anyone off. That’s the way I’ve always
been.
Maybe that’s why Dad wanted me to read Cyrano,
so I’d learn to stand up for what I believe. Will was Cyrano. Tonight,
I’m
going to tell Mom and Fuehrer that I don’t want to go to church
anymore. It
will be ugly, but if Will can do it, I can do it.
I might go see David, but I think I
fucked that up pretty good. He probably doesn’t really need a friend
like me
anyway. He’s the JV quarterback, he plays the violin, he’s handsome.
He’s
everything I’m not. I think I’ll just sit in my room and read my Dad’s
journal.
I hoped you liked Chapter Six of Then and Now. Please write to me. I would like to read any comments you might have about the story and would appreciate your sending email to christopher.macintosh@gmail.com. I would also invite you to check out my real blog: Christopher Macintosh. Thank you.