Date: Wed, 18 Apr 2001 16:29:44 -0400 From: Justin Subject: Through My Eyes, Chapter 10 (Category: Gay/High School) Hello Again! See, this one didn't take quite as long as the last.. LoL. Thanks for all ur emails and keep 'em coming. It drvies me to write more.. hint hint! LoL. Thanks!! Enjoy.. Chapter 10 "What is it Jack?" Dr. Ryan asked worriedly. I fidgeted with the phone cord, wanting to just hang the phone up and pretend like I never called him, but I couldn't. I took a deep breath. "I don't want to talk about it over the phone. I need to talk to you in person." I replied nervously, my voice quivering a little bit. "Well, I'm free tomorrow at 4:30 if you want to come by the hospital after school. I've got a dinner break, so we can go get a bite to eat or order in," he suggested. I sighed and nodded. "Sounds good. I'll be there..at 4:30." "Are you sure you'll be ok until then?" He asked, still filled with concern. "Yea, I'll live." "Alright, try to get some sleep, Jack." "I will," I said quietly. "Bye." "Bye." I hung up the phone and then walked into the kitchen. I went into the fridge and grabbed the leftover bottle of water I left there and took a big gulp of it. It felt good moistening my completely dry throat. I set it back in its place and closed the fridge. I was wide awake, but I needed sleep if I wanted to wake up in the morning. Well, change that to, if I needed to wake up in the morning. Who WANTED to wake up for school? Definitely not me! I shook my head and made my way back up to my room. I walked up like a robot and closed the door behind me once I had reached my room. I plopped down in my bed and got under the covers. It was so cold for some reason and I shivered under the covers, staring out the balcony doors into the night. The clouds had parted and clusters of stars studded the sky, shimmering and glistening. I sighed. I focused on one star that seemed to shine brighter than all the others did. I watched it intently as it seemed to grow brighter. Soon enough, sleep enveloped me and the star slowly faded from my sight. The next day, I went through the motions of waking up and getting ready before heading off to school. It all felt like a dream and I dutifully sat through my classes, unable to concentrate on what the teachers were talking about. After 3rd block was lunch. I went to my locker and put up my books. As I did so, I looked up to see Nick Simpson about 8 feet away from where I was standing. He was leaning against the lockers in front of his latest girlfriend, Jacquelyn. I stared out the corner of my eye, unable to take my eyes off of him, as if waiting for him to jump me. He didn't move, didn't even move his head in my direction. I rolled my eyes at myself and shut my locker, throwing my backpack over my shoulder and heading out to the courtyard to eat. As I walked down the halls towards the courtyard, I saw one of Nick's buddies look up at me from where he was standing. He had a menacing gleam in his eye. I tensed up immediately and quickened my pace. Out of the corner of my eyes, I watched everyone around me suspiciously. A cheerleader, Kristin something-or-other, raised her eyebrow as I went by and turned to her little friends, whispering something. I felt my heard begin to thud in my chest and my mouth go dry. They knew.. but how? I finally reached the courtyard after what seemed like a 20 mile hike and plopped down on a bench next to a few friends. Laura and Steven looked up at me, their faces twisting into confusion. "What's up, JC?" Steven asked, scooting closer to where I was sitting. I looked up at him half-heartedly and mustered up a small smile. "Nothin much." "Liar." Laura chimed in. Busted. Ok, tomorrow I'm signing up for acting lessons. "I'm sorry," I played stupid. She rolled her eyes. "Something's wrong. I've known you long enough to know when something's wrong. Besides, the way you're looking, anyone could see that something's wrong." "We heard about you and Jessy, JC. I'm really sorry about that, man." Steven put a comforting hand on my shoulder. I sighed. Jessy was the furthest thing from my mind. I nodded and stared down at the concrete. I watched a lady bug meander across the flat, gray cement. When I finally looked up, my eyes connected with someone's across the courtyard. A whole group of people were looking at me. When they noticed I saw them, they quickly turned their heads. Laura noticed this and slid her arm around my shoulders. "Once the novelty wears off, they'll move on to something better. Break-ups make people talk." My mind jolted as she said this. The break-up. That's why people were looking at me and talking. I breathed a sigh of relief. A small smile made it's way across my face. I nodded towards Laura. "Yea, I know. Thanks." With that, I pulled out my lunch, and began eating. We talked about how our breaks went. Well, they mostly did the talking considering mine was sucky. I was feeling better after lunch and was actually able to pay attention in 4th block, Biology. I walked down the hall towards my class in a much better mood. I walked through the door, but stopped dead in my tracks. Jessy looked up at me and smiled broadly. "Jack!" She exclaimed. "I didn't know you were in Bio this semester." I said, surprised and disappointed. "They transferred me!" The smile never left her face, and a part of me wanted to smack it right off her face. Wait a minute? Where was that coming from? Jessy hasn't done anything wrong! It was just a dream, Jack! Cool it! I mustered up a smile and looked for a seat in the back. My bad mood now intact again, I sat through the class, stupidly glancing at the clock every five minutes. Stupidly, that is, because that makes the time drag by even slower. Finally, though, after what seemed like forever, the bell rang, ending the day. I gathered my things into my backpack and stood. I looked up to see Jessy making her way down the row, toward me. I smiled at her, but she shot me a concerned look. "Hi Jes." "What's the matter?" She interrupted me. "What do you mean? Nothing.." "Liar." "Gosh, what the hell is this? I'm fine!" "Yea, fine. Fine's stretched all across your face. It's me, Jack. I know we' re not together anymore, but we were friends above everything else. I know you enough to know that something is bothering you!" I sighed in frustration and walked past her. I didn't want to hear this..not from her..not now. It was nearing four o'clock and I was suppose to meet Dr. Ryan at 4:30. She grabbed my arm to stop me. I ground my teeth and turned to face her. She was caught off-guard by my frustration and anger. Her eyes burned into mine, searching me. I looked away. "I have to go," I mumbled. With that, I turned and walked out of the room. Half an hour later, I arrived at the hospital. I stepped up to the front desk and asked for Dr. Ryan. "Yes, he's expecting you, Mr. Cole." The receptionist directed me to Dr. Ryan's office. I thanked her and made my way down two corridors before I reached his office. It was fairly large, with a big window that overlooked the downtown area. "JC!" He stood when he saw me enter. I closed the door behind me and smiled in greeting. "Hey, Dr. Ryan." "Please, call me Noel." He insisted, motioning for me to take a seat on the leather couch in the corner of the room. I nodded and took a seat, fidgeting with my fingers. Why was I so nervous? He would understand. Wouldn't he? Suddenly I wasn't so sure. "So, what's on your mind?" He asked, taking a seat on the other side of the couch and staring at me in question. I looked up at him for a split second, and then back down at my feet. I can't do this, I thought to myself. "You know what? Nevermind.I..uh..its nothing." I started to stand up, but he grabbed my arm, stopping me. "JC, what is it?" "I shouldn't have come here." "Why's that?" He asked. "I just .I need to deal with this on my own." I stuttered nervously. "JC, dealing with things alone is what got you in the hospital the first time. You're not thinking about.." "No!" I assured him. "Well then what is it?" He urged. I took a deep breath, and then another. It was like I couldn't get enough air. I starting to shake a little. I clasped my hands together tightly, so it wouldn't show. My knuckles began to turn white. I chewed on my lower lip, looking up at him for a second, then back down. "JC?" He pressed once again. I felt my face get hot and my eyes well up with tears. I couldn't stop it, the wave of tears just crashed out of me. I sobbed uncontrollably, the hot salty tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. I buried my face in my hands and began shaking more violently. Dr. Ryan moved toward me and pulled me into a gentle hug. I buried my face in his shoulder. "JC, what's wrong? What could possibly be causing all of this?" He asked in astonishment. He pulled back and looked at me questioningly. "What is it?" I swallowed the lump in my throat and wiped my cheeks. "I'm so confused right now." I said vaguely. It was so hard to say it. "Confused..about what?" He really wasn't getting the picture. I thought I was such a horrible actor. Why wasn't he seeing straight through my like everybody else did? I took another deep breath. "I think.that is..I ." I trailed off, struggling. He continued to stare at me, urging me to continue. "I think..I might be..gay." I closed my eyes, afraid of what was coming. When silence was all that followed, I opened my eyes to see Dr. Ryan looking down at me with a gentle smile. "Say something." I whispered, unable to make direct eye contact with him. "Is that what's making you act this way? Is that what made you want to.." I simply nodded. "Oh, JC, there is nothing wrong with that!" He assured me, shaking his head in what seemed to be disbelief that I could be harping on such "a trivial issue." I guess I was relieved, but at the same time, having a hard time letting it sink in. "So you don't think I'm a freak or disgusting?" His eyes widened incredulously. "God no! JC, it's not something you can help, I know that much!" Now I breathed a big sigh of relief. I looked up at him. He smiled at me and pulled me into another hug. At the risk of sounding completely cliché, it felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Granted, there was still a ton left, but this was a start. After a minute, he pulled away. "Come on, let's go get a bite to eat. There's a really good restaurant I know down the street." I nodded as he stood and I followed him out. We sat down at a table at a restaurant called The Mill. Not many people were there, which I liked. After ordering our drinks, Dr. Ryan leaned forward. "Mind if I ask you something?" "Sure," I said, somewhat unsure. "What makes you think you're.gay." He asked bluntly. I bit my lip nervously and looked down at the table. "You don't have to answer that." He sat back, suddenly aware that he might be pushing it. "No, no..it's ok. I need to talk to someone about it." "So I'm the only one you've told?" He asked, sounding somewhat like he was honored. I smiled. "Well, sort of. A friend of mine told me he was.. And that he was in love with me." "Whoa!" "Yea, I know. I had a girlfriend and well you know. I'd just met him and from the beginning I noticed him in a different way that I'd noticed guys before." "So, you're just starting to notice them in a different way? Just because of this boy?" Dr. Ryan asked. I thought about it. "Well, I mean." my face turned red. "What?" "Well, I guess.I guess I thought about guys before, but none I knew or went to school with. I dunno.only when.." My voice cracked nervously. He smiled and nodded. "I gotcha." I breathed yet another sigh of relief that he didn't make me explain that. "But Cody just made all these emotions that I'd forced away come rushing at me like a train unable to stop. I was tied to the tracks." Dr. Ryan nodded. The waitress brought our drinks back and we ordered our food. After that, I continued. "I couldn't handle it. I mean, everything I've been taught and all the people I've been around have said that it's wrong." "So you're parents have told you they think it's wrong?" "Well.no." "Well then what makes you think they do?" I'd never really thought about that before. I mean, they hadn't ever said much about it except one time and my mom said she didn't have any problem with gays. "I'm just scared that they'll look at me differently." I said meekly. Dr. Ryan nodded in understanding and took a sip of his tea. He wasn't allowed to drink while on call. "I mean, I still like girls and stuff. Does that mean I'm bi?" I asked, more to myself than to him. He put down his drink and shrugged. "Well, I'm not really an authority on this. I think it's something you have to figure out for yourself, but I'm here whenever you want to talk about it." "Thank you, Dr.Noel." I smiled. "Anytime." We sat and talked for an hour after that. I was glad I had a friend to talk to about everything I'd been feeling. And moreover, I was glad he understood and was cool with it. I arrived back at home at around 7:15 where my mom was waiting for me. She sat on the couch, nervously flipping through the channels when I walked into the living room. She immediately stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. "Where have you been, Jack?" She pierced through me with that death stare. Oops, I knew I forgot to do something. "Oh my gosh, mom. I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call you!" She still stood her ground. "Where have you been?" She persisted. Her face was hard to read. I'd never seen this expression before. It wasn't so much concern as it was an accusing stare. It confused me and made a knot form in the pit of my stomach. "I was with Dr. Ryan. I needed to talk to him about something." I explained, avoiding eye contact. If looks could kill, they'd be making arrangements for my burial right about now. She shifted and stepped to her left one step. My eyes dropped to the coffee table immediately and I saw a blue notebook. My eyes widened and my heart caught in my throat. My journal. I looked back at her. She still glared at me. I couldn't breathe. "Where did you get that?" I asked, my voice cracking and quaking. She looked down at it and shot me a strange look. "What do you mean, Jack? That's my notebook for that college course I'm taking," her glare changed to confusion and question. A flood of relief coursed through me. I had to sit down. That was too close. She continued to stare at me curiously. "What was that all about?" She asked, sitting down. "Nothing," I said, half laughing at myself. If she hadn't found my journal, then why was she so angry with me. I turned to her. "What's going on?" I asked her. "What do you mean?" "Well, I mean, I know I forgot to call, but you're not usually that pissy about it." She drooped a little. Her face changed once again. When she looked back up at me, her eyes showed concern. "Jack, I'm worried about you." I looked down. Couldn't let me be the least bit content with myself could ya. I sighed. "Don't be," I said simply. "And why shouldn't I be? You never come home, you don't call. For all I know, you could be lying in a ditch somewhere or in the river, floating around." Her tone of voice caught me by surprise. I put my hand on her arm comfortingly. "Mom, I wouldn't ever try anything like that again, I promise. I doubt I would've gone through with it anyway." I consoled her. A tear trickled down her cheek. "But Jack, what hurts me so much is not knowing what would make you even consider pulling something like that! You never talk to me or Dad anymore, you never go out, I heard you and Jessy called it quits. What's going on?" "I'm just a little..confused right now," that was the best I could offer. "Confused about what?" she urged me. I looked away. "Everything."