Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 22:21:19 -0400 From: Justin Subject: Through My Eyes, Chapter 9 Hey Everybody! Gosh, I am soooooooooo sorry for keeping everyone waiting for this long. Things have been soooo crazy around here and I've just completely forgotten about it, but i have up to chapter 14 written so i'll keep posting and then continue writing for it. I'm really sorry and I hope i haven't lost too many readers' interest! Thanks Ok, I know this is so incredibly late. Please forgive me?! Enjoy! Chapter 9 Over the next week, I beat myself up over the decision I had made about Cody. But I knew deep down that I had done the right thing. I wasn't ready to get into all that and besides, he lived so far away and had no way of visiting. And my mom wasn't about to let me drive out of town. Still, it was hard to give myself reasons for why I shouldn't be with Cody. Little by little though, I realized that there would be other chances for relationships, but did I want the chance? I wrestled with that thought as well. I mean, was it even worth it to pursue anything? Life puts you through so many trials and decisions. As I am driving down the road, I can see a fork up ahead. It comes closer and closer every day and I know that I'm going to have to make a decision. But how do I know which one is the right one? Which one will make me happier? What if I make the wrong decision and realize it all too late? So many what ifs running through my head constantly. So many thoughts swirling through my head that were bound to collide, pushing me into another breakdown. Over Christmas, I didn't think much about it, but after all the madness had settled down, I was thrust into it head-on by some unknown force. I moped around the house deep in thought constantly, pushing myself further and further down into depression. I had no control over my thoughts anymore. I had no control over myself anymore. A knock came on my door on the Sunday before school started back. We had gotten back from church a couple of hours ago, but I hadn't bothered to change. I laid on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Yea?" The door opened and my Mom peeked her head in cautiously. Then she came all the way in and shut the door behind her. I looked at her questioningly. "Something wrong?" I asked, wondering why she looked so worried. "I don't know, Jack, you tell me," she replied, taking a seat at the foot of my bed. I stared at her, not knowing what she meant by that. "Scuse me?" "Honey, you've been walking around distracted and sad all week and I'm worried." Guess that incident before scared her enough to be on me every time my mood dropped a little. I didn't say anything. I couldn't tell her nothing was bothering me. I was a terrible liar, especially to my parents. "What's the matter, Jack? You know you can tell me anything!" She assured me. I looked at her. The thought had never really entered my mind to tell anyone about this. I mean, I already had Cody, but he was so far away and I could never get a hold of him. Just the thought of telling my Mom and her freaking out scared the shit out of me, so I immediately dismissed it from my mind. I still said nothing. Finally, she gave up and stood. "Jack, you need to tell someone what's bothering you because you're headed for disaster if you keep it bottled up all the time." With that, she left the room. I continued to stare up at the ceiling. Maybe I should tell her. She'd probably be alright with it. But what if she wasn't? She'd talked about it before and had no problem with homosexuality or bisexuality, but having her son be one of those.. could be trouble. My head hurt. I got up and went into the bathroom, opening the cabinet and grabbing some Tylenol. I took a couple of the pills and washed it down with water. School started back the next day and I was dreading it immensely. I didn't want to face Jessy, or anybody for that matter. I hadn't spoken to Jessy at all really and I didn't really want any friends at the time. None of them seemed much like friends to me except a few, but I felt like being alone. Funny how that is, though. I felt like being alone, but ironically, being alone is my worst fear in life. I started to feel groggy after the pills kicked in. I stripped down to my boxers and climbed under the covers. Within minutes, I was knocked out. I walked down my street. It had grown dark and a fog had settled near the ground, giving an ominous presence. The street lights had dimmed from the thickening cloud of fog and everything seemed as if it were in a dream. I shoved my hands in my coat pockets. It was freezing outside. I shivered. I heard footsteps behind me. I whirled around and squinted into the darkness. Nothing there; must've been a cat or something. I started walking again, when I heard the footsteps once more. It sounded like several though. I quickened my pace. Somebody was messing with me. The footsteps pattered faster and I quickened still, almost jogging now. Soon, I was in a full-out run, panting and heaving. My chest hurt so bad from the cold air and my face stung. The footsteps were tailing me. I looked behind me, but only saw darkness. A streetlight was ahead about a block. I ran as fast as I could to that light. When I got to it, I couldn't run anymore. I whirled around, challenging whatever it was that was chasing me. I saw something in the shadow. It didn't step into the light. I stood there under the orange glow, waiting for whatever it was to jump out at me. Silence overcame me. It was deafening. Finally, I saw two feet step into the light. My eyes widened as I saw who it was. It was Nick Simpson from school. He was the typical jock; quarterback for the football team, tall, built, scary as hell, and the most popular guy in school although I never understood why considering he had the IQ equivalent of a rock. He stared at me with a threatening look on his face. "Nick, what.what are you doing here?" I asked, catching my breath. "Shut up!" He commanded. I flinched. I'd never had a problem with him. We'd barely ever said two words to each other, but he'd never treated me badly or anything. "Excuse me?" I challenged, staring at him, shocked. "I said shut up, you fucking homo!" His voice pounded in my ears. My heart jumped at his words and I stared with my mouth gaped open. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. He stepped forward. I stepped back, bumping into the pole of the street light. He didn't move again. Instead, he looked behind him. With his signal, 4 other guys stepped into the light. All of them had the same look of disgust and hatred. My heart pounded in my chest. "What's going on here? What the hell are you talking about?" My voice shook, showing my fear. I felt completely helpless. I looked around and saw that a few girls had joined the crowd, staring at me disgustedly. I looked around at them. I didn't know any of them, that is, until I saw the last one on the right. "Jessy!" I whispered, staring at her questioningly. She said nothing, but just stared at me. I looked around at the rest of them. Nick stepped forward once more. "That's right, fag!" His voice seemed to make the ground shake. I started to run, but my feet seemed to be attached to the ground. I couldn't move. My heart was about to burst out of my chest. They all closed in on me. Nick stepped about an inch away from me and raised his fist. He brought it down, giving me a blow to the head. I fell to the ground. They all jumped on me like a pack of wolves, punching me and kicking me every chance they got. Shots of pain bolted through my entire body. When it finally ceased, I opened my eyes. There, standing over me was Jessy as well as everyone else. "Fag." She whispered with persecution in her tone. I squinted up at her, everything fading in and out. I could feel the blood dripping down my face and my head pounded mercilessly. Shots of pain shattered my entire body. They all just stared down at me with that look of disgust and hatred. I jolted awake in a cold sweat. I shook violently and panted. It took me a minute to get a grip on reality. It was just a dream. I kept telling myself that. But maybe it was more like a premonition. No.it was just a stupid dream coming from my paranoid mind. I sighed and flopped back down onto the pillow. I rolled over onto my side and stared out the balcony doors. Clouds had rolled in and the stars were no longer visible. Everything seemed unusually dark. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours before I gave up and rolled out of bed. I padded downstairs, being as quiet as possible and went into the living room. I plopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote. So this is the life of an insomniac. I turned on the TV and flipped it to MTV. It was on commercial, so I set the remote down and waited to see what was coming on. A couple minutes later, a commercial came on. The first thing I heard was.. "That's so gay." "Faggot!" "What are you, some kind of queer?" These phrases echoed in my mind, making my head pound. I cringed at the harsh words, but continued to watch. A plump sort of woman came onto the screen and seemed sad. "The next time you use words like these, think about what they really mean." I sighed and looked down for a second. When I looked back up, a picture of a boy flashed on the screen by the name of Matthew Shepard. It flashed off.. "Killed.." "Because he was gay." My whole brain seemed to shut down for that split second. I was completely overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty. I couldn't take it. I buried my face in my hands and began to cry. I turned off the TV and laid down on the couch, balling. That's what would happen to me..if they knew. Somebody would kill me. I couldn't handle all of this. A thought flashed through my mind that I thought I'd gotten rid of. Then a mental picture of the blood on my hands and the knife clattering to the floor. I opened my eyes and shook my head, dismissing the idea. I couldn't take it. I had to talk to someone. I got up and wiped the tears from my face. I walked over to the phone and picked up the phone book that lay next to it. I flipped to the page I wanted and picked up the phone, dialing the number. It began to ring. I glanced at the clock. I hadn't realized how late(or early) it was. Nearly 3 a.m. On the fourth ring, someone picked up. "Hello?" Came a groggy voice. "Dr. Ryan?" I asked meekly, choking on my words. He must have had to think about who it was because he paused. "Jackson?" He finally asked. "I'm sorry to call so late." "No, it's alright. What's up?" The grogginess was fading from his voice and I felt a little better. "I need to talk to you about something."