I just entered through the back door in case I would have to see anyone's face. I ran to my room and slammed the door. I just jumped onto the bed and was crying even worse, it was uncontrollable by that moment and I wasn't feeling like trying to stop it `cause I knew I had an important reason to be crying, maybe the most important reason, it was Dustin. How could he ever forgive me for such mistake?
`I betrayed Dustin, I betrayed his trust, his love... I betrayed my reason to be alive. So that, I betrayed myself!' These are the kind of thoughts which were in my mind.
Suddenly I stopped crying. I cried a lot, maybe I had cried enough. But I assume I stopped crying not because I had cried all I had to, `cause Dustin worths more than all the tears in this world and his forgiveness worthed more than all the tears I had shed. I stopped crying `cause I was feeling empty, I was hollow, like without feelings, without life inside me. It felt worse than crying.
Then I just got up and made my way donwstairs. I passed through the kitchen beside many knives. I stopped and just stared at them for a moment. I decided I just had to think a little more. I headed for the door and with this I was outside as the gentle breeze brushed my hair.
`Well, now what? I don't have Dustin, why make some motion?! I'd rather die here, lying on the ground...' I thought to myself near the door.
I reconsidered the knives in the kitchen but then I started walking. Nothing was beautiful anymore. I was like walking absentmindedly and I ended up at the park. As I was walking I noticed where I was. I was in that same place where Dustin and I had our first kiss. This memory made me start crying again. I saw Dustin sitting there once more but when I approached the image vanished and it reminded me I was alone, completely alone.
I felt a gentle breeze and as I was sobbing really much I decided to take some fresh air and I followed the breeze. It was forceful at the cliff. It was the park's cliff. It had a beautiful view and a refreshing breeze at that very moment and I was at the edge of the cliff, thinking.
`I'm sure I can't bear the pain of being alone again. It was awful being alone all those years, but being alone after feeling what love is like is unbearable.' I thought `After having the chance of having it and letting it go...' and the thoughts were going by... `What it would be like if I could feel free of all these problems, free of the loneliness? I feel so lonely!' and I reached the last step before the fall and it was very high. It surely would be enough.
I just opened my arms and felt the breeze. For one moment I could feel free of the loneliness, free of the guilty. The wind which was making me feel so free was brushing my hair forcefully and wiping my tears as more tears were falling.
"Shane!" I heard with fast steps across the grass with an echo. Maybe it was the calling. But then, I was pulled to the ground from behind and rolled.
"No, don't do that! I love you!" Dustin was screaming while he started to cry uncontrollably. "I know maybe you don't like me anymore but don't go, we can be friends, I mean..." he continued as he was trying to say and crying really much while I was crying as hard as him hearing all of that with him holding me down, facing me, supporting himself with his hands on the grass "If you want you don't even have to talk to me anymore, I'll just stare" and he sobbed even more "from far and, and..." he was saying as I was looking with big eyes at him, with a blank expression. I was even afraid I was death and it was all an illusion. Ok, ok, that was dork. I couldn't hesitate anymore.
"I love you!" I screamed and it echoed at the edge of the cliff. I pulled Dustin onto me holding him tighly as I buried my face in his shoulder. I started crying even harder, if it was possible. "I'm sooo sorry." I continued with my face buried in his shoulder, soaking his t-shirt as he was doing to mine.
"You know, you don't have to be gay just `cause I am. You don't have to kill yourself just because of that... maybe it's only me..." He said as he supported himself with his arms and legs on the ground, still on me. I couldn't take it anymore and pushed him forcefully and in one motion he was on the ground and I was on him. I mean, I was fool but now `he' was being fool!
"I love you, ok? Don't ever doubt that, right?" I said looking deeply into his green eyes as I stopped crying and so did he. He only nodded sheepishly. "I am sooo sorry, I feel so guilty!" I continued to say. "You don't dare blame yourself, right?" I asked and he was looking deeply into my eyes.
"I shouldn't have done that. I love you. How could I think for one moment there is a better sensation than being with you? There isn't, Dustin!" I said reassuring every word with my serious look.
"Really?" he asked with a smile which could be seen through his expectant eyes.
"Yes." I answered happily and with this I approached and we were touching noses and smiling together as the tears started falling freely from my eyes and he also started crying and our tears were mixing as our feelings for each other.
"Do you accept my apologies then?" I asked somehow scared as the reality hit me. I was wrong, maybe after the moment we had he wouldn't forgive me.
"Of course I do. I mean, I shouldn't have run like that, but I just freaked out with all these ideas, like you wouldn't wanna see me anymore." he said with sad eyes so close to mine. "I'm sorry for that." he continued. The more he talked the more guilty I felt... and more reliefed, I admit.
"Oh please, quit it! I was sooo afraid you couldn't forgive me. I am wrong. I just didn't know what to do with the idea you wouldn't forgive me anymore." I assured him.
"You know, I thought you just decided you liked girls and you'd try to erase every sign of being gay you could and I wouldn't be able to talk to you anymore." he said. "It isn't like I haven't ever kissed a girl before."
"I haven't... until today." I said somehow ashamed but his comment made me feel somehow less guilty.
"I'm so sure I prefer you!" he assured me. It melted me inside. "Maybe now you can be sure of what you want." he continued. Yes, he had a point, I could be sure from that moment on I liked guys, actually Dustin.
"Come on." I said to him as I pulled him to a sitting position and we were facing each other, sitting. I bent forward, then we had our foreheads touching and our noses. I put both hands on his shoulders, it felt so good, and he did the same to me.
"I want to make a promise for you." I said "I want you to know I'll never do it again, I'll never doubt I love you and only you." he was starting to say something "Shhh, let me finish. I want you to know I'll make up for you, ok?!"
"You don't have to." he protested still touching noses and after one moment he smiled and I could see he was blushing. I read his thoughts, well, at least I knew what I was thinking!
"Yup. It's gonna be awesome." I simply replied. I don't know exactly what he was thinking, but I knew what I was thinking, and it was awesome.
I lay on the grass and Dustin did the same. He took hold of my hand.
"I feel so happy." he said.
"I feel alive again. I wouldn't bear living without you, you know that?" I said. "But I still feel like I am wrong!" I had to say.
"Just don't. I got disappointed, but it isn't like I could live without you either. Besides, I also kissed girls, it's fair." he said and then continued "I just hope you don't have to do it again!" he said with a concerned expression for one moment, and it was fun! I mean, I would be taking advantage of my luck!
"Never, I've already promised, haven't I?!" I said with a smile.
And we were lying and seeing the sunset from the top of the cliff as it was giving the landscape the most amazing shades of colors. It's amazing how Dustin could make my life colorful! Only the sunset can do that with the landscape and with Dustin by my side it was perfect.
"It's beautiful isn't it?" he asked as the sun was crossing the horizon line.
"Yeah. With you all is beautiful." I answered and with this we kept watching `the show' contented, holding hands, hearing the birds all busy in the end of the afternoon and I could hear Dustin's breath.
"We have to go, it's getting dark." Dustin said when the sun was almost gone with the daylight.
"Yeah, I'd like to see the stars with you, like this." I said.
"It would be cool, but we have to go." he said as he was getting up.
"We also can see the stars from home, you know." I said with a grin. That could be a plan.
After school, on Wednesday, we went to my house. Time had gone by so fast, as I realized, we were already in my room... well, the `make up' time was approaching.
As we entered the room we threw our bags onto the floor and Dustin kissed me gently on the lips.
"It's so good being able to do that like everyday." He said as he broke the kiss and giggled.
"I love you." is all I could reply.
"So do I, really much." he said. And with this I moved to get `my surprise' for him.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Hang on, it's only a minute." I said as I was searching it at the bottom of my closet.
"Last time I said that, it was a book." he said and giggled at his own comment. I put my face out of the closet to reply him.
"Oh, that's true... the book. As I told ya, I really loved the book. I'm already reading chapter seven!" I said and got one more giggle of him.
"Here!" I shouted with my head behind some shirts.
"Oh my god!" he said jaw-dropped. And he became purple of embarrassement.
"If you are embarrassed you should have seen me when I was paying for it!" I giggled "I guess I was purple like you just became." I said holding the vaseline little tube.
"Didn't I say I'd make up for you?!" I said and gave him the tube.
"You really mean `it'???!" he said googling at the label. And then his expression turned serious again. "You don't have to do it, I mean, I don't wanna make any pressure for you to do something you don't want to."
"Do you want to?" I asked. And with this I was wrapped in his arms, he was hugging me forcefully.
"Veeery much." he answered pressing me tightly against his chest. "Only with you." he whispered in my ear and I giggled as it tickled. Then we loosened the embrace and I rested my hands on his waist as I was looking into his eyes while giggling.
"I just don't know how to do it really well." I said giggling.
"Me neither, it isn't like I haven't read about, but..." he said giggling as well.
"Well, at least I know how to start." I said as I was caressing his sides with my hands under his t-shirt. He started doing the same.
"Mmm, I guess it's a good start." I said with my chin on his shoulder.
"Uhm." he said with his face on my chest.
"I have one idea, I said." and lead him to sit on the floor face to face with me.
"I like sitting like this, it's like our `friendly position'" he said and giggled.
"Yeah, they say when you're relaxed it helps." I said and put both hands onto his shoulders and so he did to mine. I started massaging and he turned his head to both sides, we were relaxing.
"I love feeling your flesh in my hands and press it and feel you like this." I said as it was making me relaxed but aroused as well.
"I love feeling you too." he said and massaging my shoulders as well.
"Relaxed?" I asked with a grin.
"Ok, now we take our clothes off. I'm sure until this part." I said and giggled and it made him laugh as well.
Both of us took our clothes off and it was `visible' we really wanted to do what we were doing. He was so beautiful and I was appreciating, his slim body, his beautiful features, his hair, his face, his eyes...
"Shane, you're so beautiful." he said as he took hold of my hands.
I lay on the bed while he opened the vaseline and got some in his hand, actually his fingers.
"I'm gonna start doing it, ok?" he whispered in my ear lying on my back .
He tried one finger and it entered. It was an weird sensation, but not bad, definetly. Being relaxed was really helping.
"I'm gonna try one more finger, k babe?" he whispered in my ear again. I just nodded on the pillow.
"Ummm." I said as he did it.
"Is it hurting? We don't have to do that." he said.
"No, no, I'm just getting used to it." I said. It was hurting a little indeed but it wasn't like I couldn't bear it.
"Does it feel good?" he asked.
"Yeah, I want you inside me." I answered huskily. I was really getting aroused. He tried the head of his cock and I tensed a little.
"Can I keep going babe?" he asked.
"A little more." I said.
"Oh, it's gooood." he said.
"Yup, but wait a little, k." I said, I was a little tense yet. I just shrugged and tried to relax a little more and I felt it slipping inside me.
"Ummm." I managed to say.
"Am I hurting? Is it good? Babe?" he asked. I don't even know the much he was enjoying it, he was so worried.
"Yeeeah, it's goood. Go for it, enjoy, k?!" I said as he had all of his cock inside me.
I didn't regret. He was pumping in and out and I was feeling his breath getting heavier and he was caressing my sides occasionally and it was helping too.
"Oh, I want to cum inside you, so much." he said. It was actually starting to feel good. After all, I had Dustin inside me and I just couldn't believe it.
"Ooooh, I love you!" was all he managed to say while I felt his hot load filling me and he took his cock out of me.
He was lying on my back, breathing heavy, he was sweating and I loved all this body contact. He held me tightly.
"It's amazing." he whispered in my ear.
"No, I mean, `being inside' is amazing."
"I am already happy!" I said and after one more breath I continued "Did I make up?"
"It's the best gift I've ever got!" he said "But now it's your turn."
"Are you sure?" I said still with my face on the pillow.
"My gift won't be complete without it." he whispered inhaling in my ear and I was so aroused my cock was almost throbbing on the mattress.
We changed position, now I was on the top putting one finger inside him.
"It's weird but it's so good." he said. With this I put one more finger inside him and I felt him shiver and tense a little.
"Is it ok?" I asked.
"Uhm." he replied.
"I love you, I want it to be perfect." I whispered in his ear. And I felt both fingers slipping into him.
"Oh, oh, I want you, only you Shane." he said and buried his face on the pillow, I guess it was feeling good. I tried the tip of my cock. And he pulled his butt a little and I felt the head entering.
"Ahhh, I gasped." I didn't know it felt so good.
"Oh, wait." he said and I didn't move, besides it felt so good.
"Ok, go for it, I want to feel you... deep inside me." he assured me.
I found a good motion and started sweating, I could feel my cock harder than ever and I was feeling him! It was much more than awesome.
"Oh, I'm gonna cum, I'm feeling it." I warned him.
"Do it, do it." he asked me... as if he needed to.
"I love youuu... uhh..." I said and felt my load inside him. I took my cock out of him and just lay on his back breathing heavily and sweating.
"You're so special to me." I whispered in his ear as I pressed his shoulders with my hands. He was sooo soft.
"Oh, I feel so relaxed, I guess we'll have to do it always before the tests. Maybe as part of `studying together'." he said and giggled.
"Hey, it's our first time and you already have excuses to do it again!?!" I said and patted his butt.
"Mmm... I'm yours!" he replied.
"And I'm all yours." I said and licked his earlobe.
I changed positions to lie on the bed and we kissed, passionatedly.
"I love you."
"I love you."