Chapter 20: Tim


As I stood in line waiting for my name to be called to get my diploma, I couldn't believe how fast time flew by. The past two years were so uneventful, when I looked back, I felt like a total loser. After Hank and Jeff were deployed to Iraq and I received the email from Hank telling me to stop writing him, I withdrew into a shell. I hung out with Matt and Amy at school during lunch, but I pretty much stayed home otherwise. I showed up for school and did my work and went home and laid on my bed and watched movies or TV in my bedroom.

My senior year of school was a little bit depressing. Part of me wanted to get out of my room and join the living, but for some reason I just couldn't do it.

Even watching the new drum major during marching band practice didn't do anything for me. Connor was a junior and he had a hot body. I guess if my body was ripped like his, I'd go shirtless all the time too.

The dorky freshman on the marimba couldn't stare enough at Connor though. Oh yeah, Kyle was definitely gay. I was nice to him because I felt sorry for him, though. I knew what it was like to be a shy, dorky, closeted freshman.

I did actually go out on a date though. It was a disaster.

It was just after we came back from spring break. I was getting ready to go home when Brian Winters walked up to me. Brian was a senior like me, and played on the varsity baseball team. He played right field and kind of sucked. But he was pretty funny, our class clown, and everyone liked him. He wasn't bad looking either. He had really short hair brown hair that made his ears stick out a little bit, but it made him kind of cute.

"Hey, Tim," he said quietly as he looked around nervously.

"Hi, Brian," I said, looking around to see what he was looking for.

"What's up?" he asked.


"Um, I was wondering if you wanted to grab a movie this weekend or something?"

I was totally caught off guard. I certainly never expected that Brian would ask me out. I didn't even suspect that he was gay.



My gut instinct was to say 'no' immediately, but I forced myself to say yes because I would probably never get another chance to go out with someone. We traded phone numbers and agreed for him to pick me up Saturday night.

He picked me up late Saturday afternoon and we drove an hour down the highway. We went to the movie, both paying for ourselves. Afterward, we had a bite to eat. I thought it was strange that we wouldn't just eat and see a movie at home, but I didn't question him on it. We had a pleasant enough time, and we talked quite a bit and got to know each other.

After dinner, he drove us to a secluded parking lot, and he leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back and let him keep kissing me. He took my hand and pressed it into his crotch, holding it onto his dick. It felt thick and hot pressed against my hand.

"Fuck, Tim," he whispered. "I want you so bad."

I pulled my hand away.

"Brian... I don't really... Not on the first date, okay?"

Brian pulled away and blushed a little bit. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel... you know... whatever."

"It's okay. It's getting late, Brian, I should get home."

Brian started up the car and we got onto the highway and drove home. As we drove home, he did most of the talking. He was funny and kind of charming. He even held my hand, which I thought was sweet. He parked the car in my driveway and turned off the headlights.

"I want to go out with you again, Tim."

"Okay. That would be nice," I said with a smile.

"We can't tell anyone, though. I mean it, no one can know."

My smile faded away. "Oh. Um..."

"I like you, but I mean, if I don't talk to you at school, I don't want your feelings to be hurt. You understand right?"

I shook my head. "No. If you're not ready to even be seen with me in the hall or even in town, then I don't think we're ready to date."

"Come on, Tim. Don't be like that."

I felt like I was going to cry. "I'm sorry, Brian, this was a mistake. I don't think we should go out again."

I got out of the car and hurried inside.

"You have a good time, sweetie?" Mom asked as I walked in the door.

I nodded. "Yeah."

She looked at me for a second. "You sure? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just tired."

She gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

I went up to my bedroom and laid down on my bed and curled up into a ball. I fell asleep in quiet tears, wondering what it was that was so terrible about me that Brian wouldn't even want to be seen with me.


The one thing I did accomplish was that I got accepted to college with Matt and Amy. I actually was accepted at Central and State as well, but I got a small scholarship to Western, so that's where I decided to go and it worked out since that's where they wanted to go. The three of us would be starting in the fall and Matt and I would be rooming together.

As I approached the stage to get my diploma, I scanned the stadium and found Mom and Dad. Mom waved at me and I smiled at them. After the ceremony, I got lots of hugs and kisses from Mom and she took way too many pictures. I really wished that Jeff could be here to see me graduate, but he was overseas and so he couldn't make it. I'm sure Mom was planning on sending him lots of pictures, though.

The entire Ballatori family was there for Gina, of course. Well, Hank wasn't there because he was also serving a second tour in Iraq. Mr. and Mrs. Ballatori came up to me and congratulated me and they both hugged me. I was pleasantly surprised.

When I asked them how Hank was, they told me he was doing well, but didn't really elaborate. I hadn't seen him in two years. In fact, in the last two years, I had only seen Jeff once.


After graduation, Dad wanted me to work with him again until school started, but after I complained, he promised me that I'd get to do more than be a gopher, so I agreed. So when I showed up at the job site, I did a lot less gophering this summer. I got to work a little bit with the architect who showed me how to read blueprints. Dad also showed me how to update the price lists on the computer that they used to do quotes and calculate costs, which basically consisted of calling the different suppliers and getting the prices and updating the spreadsheets. He also let me enter the quotes on his computer and generate invoices. I was more like Dad's assistant and I liked it a lot better.

The big bear who was my supervisor the last two summers, Clark, checked up on me from time to time to make sure I was doing okay. He also answered a lot of questions for me when Dad wasn't around. He was always really nice to me. I kind of developed a tiny little crush on Clark. But I knew he was married from the ring on his finger, but he never talked about his wife. He never really talked about his personal life at all. I didn't really know anything about him and that kind of intrigued me. When he was around, I couldn't help but stare at him. It's not like I wanted to have sex with him. I just liked him.


I headed down to college in the fall a week early for marching band camp. Unfortunately, I got cut on the second day. My heart wasn't really into it, and the other keyboarders were so much better than I was. I was more than a little bit embarrassed.

Since I showed up at the dorm first, I picked out the bed by the window, leaving the other bed for Matt.

At first things were going well. I liked my classes okay. I got along really well with Matt. After a while though, I began to feel like a third wheel around Matt and Amy. Matt had started dropping a few hints about me needing to meet other people and maybe meet some guys. Matt also joined a fraternity and that took up his time when he wasn't with Amy. I didn't want to join a fraternity, so I was stuck by myself.

In the spring, Matt finally talked me into going to one of his frat parties. I finally ran out of excuses, so I agreed to go. I figured I'd just show up and then leave when he wasn't paying attention. I drove Matt and Amy to the frat house and found a parking spot a block away. He introduced me to some of the guys as we walked through the house.

"There's one guy I really want you to meet. I think you'll like him," Matt said.

Matt called out to a guy across the room, "Clayton! Clay, c'mere."

Clayton grinned and joined us. He clapped Matt on the back and Matt introduced him to me and we shook hands.

Clayton, or Clay as he liked to be called, was taller than me at 6'2". He was a husky guy, a bit overweight. He had short dark blond hair that he wore in messy spikes on top of his head. He had a thick goatee and a moustache.

"You wanna drink, Tim?" Clay asked.


I followed Clay over to the keg and he tapped us both a cup of beer. We walked out into the back yard and Clay lit a smoke. He seemed like a nice guy, and he was definitely flirting with me as we talked and sipped our beer. I guess the beer I had been drinking must have lowered my inhibitions a little bit, because I flirted back.

We made the usual small talk, our majors, where we were from. I did the dorky Michigan thing and held up my hand and pointed on the 'map' where I lived. Clay pointed on my hand where he was from and he wiggled his finger on my hand and it tickled and made me giggle.

Clay drank quite a bit and was pretty buzzed pretty quickly. He leaned on me with his arm around my shoulders as we talked. He kept his mouth close to my ear. He spoke in a deep voice, almost a growl.

"You are so cute, little guy," he said.

He was slurring his words. I was sure he was just trying to get into my pants.


"You wanna go upstairs to my room?"

I didn't know if was a good idea or not, but I was feeling pretty horny. I mean, it had been almost three years after all. And for a drunk frat guy, he was kind of charming.

Clay's room was a pig sty. Dirty clothes all over the place, empty beer cans and it smelled of stale beer and smoke. When he kissed me, I forgot about all of that. He shoved the dirty clothes off his bed and pushed me down onto the bed and we kissed and made out. He tasted a little like beer and his kisses were very sloppy.

As we made out, Clay unzipped his jeans and pushed them down to his knees. He rolled over onto his back and put his hand on the back of my head and pushed it down.

"Suck my cock," he whispered.

I wrapped my hand around his dick. It was about 6.5 inches, with an average thickness with a nice head. I licked and kissed the head and he pushed my head down and the head pushed between my lips into my mouth.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of having him in my mouth. I bobbed my mouth and hand up and down at a nice slow pace while gently sucking. I had forgotten how much I liked doing this.

"Oh, yeah..." he moaned. "That's so fucking good..."

I worked him a little bit faster. He lasted a surprisingly long time, maybe because of the fact that he was drunk. By the time his breathing quickened and his balls tightened to his body, my jaw was starting to hurt.

"Swallow my load," he demanded as he held my head down on his cock.

"Oh, fuck," he groaned as he shot into my mouth. A few strong spurts followed by a few weaker spurts filled up my mouth and I had to swallow twice to get it all down. His come had a slight aftertaste of alcohol and it was bitter. I let his dick slip from my mouth and I sat up and wiped my mouth.

Clay pulled up his pants, but left them unzipped. He scooted up so that he was sitting against the headboard. He let out a deep breath. His cheeks were pink and smiled at me through half closed eyes. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Smoke?" he asked as he offered me one.


He grabbed his lighter and lit up. He took a deep drag and exhaled the smoke towards the ceiling. He reached his hand over to the ashtray on his nightstand and flicked the ashes into it.

"That was fucking great, Tom," he said. "You give real good head."



"My name's Tim."

"Oh, sorry, dude," he said as he took another drag of his smoke.

I felt so stupid and ashamed and totally sleazy. How could I let myself get into this situation? The asshole didn't even remember my name.

"Clay, I'd better get going," I said.

"Okay. Can I get your number? We can maybe hook up again."

"Uh, sure."

I couldn't believe I was looking for a pen and paper. What the hell was wrong with me? Am I that desperate? I wrote down my name and phone number and gave it to him.

"Thanks, dude," he said as he put the paper in his nightstand drawer.

"Bye, Clay. Talk to you later."

I hurried out of the frat house and wandered down to my jeep. I headed right for the dorm. I parked the jeep and made my way upstairs. After I took a hot shower, I crawled into bed feeling sorry for myself. How could a blowjob with a drunken frat boy compare to what Hank and I had?

In the end it didn't matter. Clay never called me.

I couldn't help but wonder in the back of my mind what it was about me that made Clay not want to call me back.