Disclaimer: This story is real. It really happened. I should know I lived it. So there ha. Anyway, the last names of people have been changed (If they are even mentioned, but they are the same last names from all the other chapters) to protect the individuals. Some names have been changed completely.
If you are offended by the idea of boys or same sex relationships what the heck are you doing here? If it is illegal for you to view this material, again what the heck are you doing here? If this applies to do don’t read on( Not like I can really stop you, so if you are going to read this then don’t get caught).
This story is not authorized to be taken for this site and used anywhere else without the author’s written consent. Yeah that’s right I changed it you bastards trying to steal my story. I worked hard on this; my blood, sweat and tears went into my writing. Anywho, enjoy the show…….story..hehe
“So Tim, if you don’t mind me asking, when did you realize you were gay?” Cody asked.
We were sitting at a crowed table. The DJ decided to take a break. So everyone decided it was time to get some food. When Cody asked the question our entire table went silent. Everyone’s eyes were on me.
“Cody, can we talk about this stuff later?” I said
“Oh, yeah, sure, sorry.”
Everyone started whispering to one another. I guess that things hadn’t really changed. There people still didn’t like me. The only difference now is that they aren’t telling it to my face. Now they are saying it behind my back. It made me wonder if any of the new friends I made ware truly my friends, or if they are just talking to me to find out things to tell their friends. For being so popular in school now, I felt like the loneliest kid on earth.
The DJ went back and started playing music. Everyone went to the dance floor except me. I said it was because I was tired, but I was kind of depressed. After about another 3 hours Zach came up and said he was ready to head home. Cody was right beside him.
“Tim, do you mind if Cody stays over with us tonight?” Zach asked.
I looked at Zach, then at Cody. They both had sad puppy dig eyes. I really didn’t want to but how can I say no to that. They were both so Cute.
“Ok, stop with the sad puppy dog eyes. I can’t say no to two cute boys with those. I don’t care, you can stay over Cody. I don’t think my dad will care either.”
“Ok, sweet, thanks dude. I’m going to let my parents know.”
Cody walked away and called his parents. I looked over at Zach, then looked down at the ground.
“You ok Tim?”
I just nodded my head, not looking up from the floor. I could sense that Zach wanted to say more, but Cody walked back up and said he was ready to go. We headed to my car and headed back to my house. Zach and Cody talked all the way there. Zach kept looking at me. I knew he still wanted to talk, but he would wait until we were alone. I was counting on that. We got to my house and went inside. We went into the living room and sat down on the couch.
“So Tim, wana talk now?” Cody asked.
“Why do you wana know when I realized I was gay? Do you wana know so you can go back and tell everyone else what I said? You wana make fun me some more? Well I’m not going to give you the chance.”
“Sorry dude. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I just wanted to get to know you better. Maybe I should just go.” Cody said as he started to stand up and leave.
“No Cody, I’m sorry. This has been bugging me all night. When you asked me earlier and everyone stopped talking and stared at me, I felt lower the dirt. I felt like everyone that says they are my friends now, are only doing it to find things to hurt me with. It’s not your fault. I will tell you, sit back down.”
Coy sat back down. I started my story.
~2 years ago~
“Hey Tim, how’s it going?” Ryan asked
“Great dude. Hey are we hanging after the game tomorrow?”
“Yeah dude. We can drink and get laid. What do ya say to that?” Ryan said.
“Hey that sounds good but you not sticking you dick in my ass. If you like that, I will help. My ass is an exit only. Haha”
“Oh common dude, you know you want this.” Ryan said while grabbing his crouch.
“Oh yeah I do.” I started to fake drool. He pushed me and we both started laughing. We joked about it but Ryan really hates gays.
If only Ryan really know that I did want him. He was cute, but I couldn’t tell him that I’m gay. I don’t think he will understand. So I have never told anyone. I will just keep hiding it.
Today was Thursday. Every day was the same for me and my friends. We would go to school; the teachers would attempt to teach us something. Like me and my friends really listened to them. We were always cracking jokes at the teacher’s expense. We would throw stuff around the room, always pushing the envelope to see what we could get away with.
The worst part of my school day was when we walked down the main hall. This is where most of the lockers were at. I and my friends were known to make fun of the people as we walked. None get it as bad as the gay kids got it. I hated doing it, but I like my friends. Every time I made a comment a little piece of me died. Each day I would think about when I first realized that I like boys instead of girls. I was 12 years old. I was alone in the house. I went looking for something to do. When I got into my parents room I found a tape. I don’t remember the name, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the guys in the film. I didn’t how what sex was. All I knew is that I liked watching those guys. I couldn’t explain what I was felling. My cock was hard. I saw what the guys were doing with their cocks while they were not fucking the girls. It turned me on. I had played with myself before, but never to porn.
We were walking down the hall making fun of the normal people. As we got to the end of the hall, Chance spoke up. Chance was one of the gay guys on our path.
“Will you guys stop? Why do you put us down? Because we are gay? Because we outed ourselves and live with and deal with you r verbal abuse every single day? Just leave us alone.” He turned and stared to walk away.
Ryan ran after him and slammed him into a locker. He started punching him. My other friends just started laughing. I had enough. I ran over to Ryan and throw him off Chance.
“Ryan, leave him alone.”
I turned back to chance, and helped him stand back up. “You ok dude?”
“Why the hell do you care if I’m ok? I’m just some dirty, no good fudge packer right? Get the hell away from me.” He walked away. I just stopped him getting beat up, at least he could say thank you. I know that Ryan and my friends where wondering why the fuck I stopped him from beating up Chance. I didn’t want a confutation with them so I just left. It was the end of day so I just went home.
Ryan showed up about 10 minutes after I got home.
“Dude, what the fuck was that today?”
“I don’t wana talk about it.”
“To fucking bad, why did you throw me off that fucking queer?”
I lost it.”He has a fucking name asshole. His name is Chance. Yes he is gay. Big fucking deal. Why do you have to make yourself feel better by making them feel like shit. He was just standing up for himself. “
“Wow Tim, what’s going on? I was only doing what you and I do every other day. That’s the problem?”
“You really wana know what the problem is? This you’re my fucking best friend Ryan.” I started crying
“Dude what’s wrong? It can’t be that bad.”
“Yes it is because as soon as I tell you, you are going to hate me.”
“I’m gay Ryan. That’s why I stopped you.” I was bawling now.
“You can’t be gay. What about all the girls you told me about?”
“I lied. You’re my best friend Ryan; I didn’t want you to hate me so I lied.”
Ryan sat there for a few minutes. He stood up, walked over to me and gave me a hug. I thought everything was going to be ok. Ryan pulled away and said “I was your best friend.” And left my house.
~Back to now~
“Oh my God. He just left. How can your best friend just leave you like that?” Cody said.
“You don’t think I know that. A true friend would never do that. I needed him and he left. I guess he wasn’t as good of a friend as I thought he was.”
I looked over at the clock. It was 4:30am. “Hey let’s get some sleep, we will talk more in the morning. We can pull the couch bed out.”
“Umm……You guys sleep there. I will sleep in the recliner.” Cody said.
“Damn, I was hoping to have a threesome tonight. Ruin my fun Cody.” Zach said
“haha very funny, I’m not into guys dude. And we just started to become friends.” Cody replied
“haha It’s ok dude, I’m not into straight boys.” I added. We all laughed.
I pulled the bed out of the couch. Then went up stairs and grabbed some pillows and blankets. I tossed one pillow and blanket to Cody and put the rest on the bed. Both Zach and I stripped down to our birthday suites and crawled in bed. Cody just stood there with a “what the fuck” look on his face.
“Oh sorry Cody. Kind of a force of habit. We can put underwear on.”
“Oh its cool dude. I just wasn’t expecting to see you buck naked in the first day we hang out. You guys aren’t going to, umm, do it are you?”
“No” Zach and I said in union.
“I mean, it’s cool if you do, but I don’t wana see it. What about you parents. What will they think of they see you naked in the bed with Zach?”
“Well is my dad and brother, and my dad won’t care.”
“I will tell you more tomorrow. Now we sleep. Zach, keep your hands to yourself tonight.”
We all quieted down and started to go to sleep. Cody was the first. He was snoring within minutes. Zach’s hand made its way to my crouch. He started to jack me off. I didn’t want to do this with Cody in the room, but it felt so good. I reached over and started to stroke his cock. As we jacked each other, we let out moans of pleasure. We both picked up the pace. “I’m gonna cum” Zach said. Not even trying to be quiet. He shot his load. I used the warm liquid as lube to keep jacking him. The feel of his cum on my hand sent me over the edge. My cum landed on my chest and on Zach’s hand. He pushed the blanket down, and moved down to lick up the mess off my body. I brought my hand to my mouth and licked it clean. We kissed each other and fell asleep.
I woke up at 11:30 the next morning. Zach was still asleep. Cody was sitting it the chair texting. I reached down and grabbed my boxers. I got up out of bed and pulled the underwear on.
“Morning Cody, how’d you sleep? You were out like a light.”
“Yeah the dance wore me out. I guess it was enough for you two last night. Haha”
“Damnit you heard that…….I’m sorry dude, I told him not to.”
“Calm down Tim. I don’t care.”
“Ok. Hey you want something to eat? I’m starving.”
Cody and I went into the kitchen. Cody sat at the table while I made some waffles. While I was cooking Zach came in and gave me a kiss.
“Morning babe” Zach said
“Morning babe. Go put some underwear on. I don’t want our guest to get jealous of what your packing.”
Zach had a confused look on his face. I pointed to Cody. Cody waved and Zach ran back into the living room. Both Cody and I busted out laughing.
“I hope you don’t find seeing naked guys gross. I have a feeling if you hang out with us you will be seeing that more and more.”
“Yeah it’s cool. I don’t mind seeing yall naked but I just don’t wana “see” you two going at it.”
Zach came back in and we ate. While eating I went back into the story from last night.
~2 years ago~
I sat on the couch crying. How could my best friend walk away from me. I told him everything. He was the only person I trusted with my life. Now I had no one. I couldn’t tell my parents. What if they reacted the same way? They could throw me out on the street. I couldn’t survive. So I will hide it until I have the money to support myself if need be. I heard a car door shut out side. I ran up to my room so my mom wouldn’t see that I was crying. Josh came running up the stairs to my room. At the time he was 5 years Old. He barged into my room. I was lying on the bad face down. He ran and jumped; when he jumped I rolled over and caught him in mid air. When I got him down onto the bed I started to tickle him.
“Ok….you win this round, but I will be back, haha. How was preschool today?”
“OK, we watched a movie.”
“That’s awesome. Let’s go find out what mom is cooking for dinner.”
I put on a happy face for him and my parents. But inside I was dying. Hiding something this serious from my parents ate at me. I told them everything and they always helped me. I didn’t know how they would handle it if I told them.
We went down stairs and looked what mom was cooking. She was making enchiladas. Mom was a good cook. Always made everything from scratch.
We ate dinner and talked about our days. Of course when it was my turn to talk, I excluded the fact that I came out to Ryan. After we got done eating, I went up stairs. I texted Ryan, asking him not to tell anyone at school until we talk. This is what I got back:
Dude. Your fucking gay.
Im not keeping you secret.
Ive already told everyone. It is spreading
Get ready 4 hell faggot.
I dropped my phone. How could Ryan be doing this to me. After all we have been through. I knew I was lying to him, hiding that I was gay, but we could have talked this out. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I shouldn’t have expected any better from him. I knew how he treated gay guys. I helped him do it. I don’t know why I expected him to hang around some nasty gay kid, some abomination in this world.
“FUCK HIM” I yelled out “In the morning, I will know who my real friends are. If I have any at all.”
I fell asleep with that thought running through my head. After a restless night of sleep I woke up and headed to the shower. While I was washing my body, I was telling myself that everything was going to be fine, nobody was going to care, that Ryan was just joking with me. In the back of my head I knew that the gates of hell were open and that I was walking straight into them. I knew how everyone would react. The ones that didn’t get a call or a text were going to find out today. I was hoping that the other gay boys would understand and help me out. That maybe they would see that the reason doing those things to them was because I was too afraid to comfort my own feelings. They had to help me, right?
I finished getting ready and headed down stairs. I asked my dad to give me a ride to school. He said sure. We ate some breakfast then left. On the way to school you could cut the tension with a knife. Usually my dad and I were so talkative. Today though, I had a lot on my mind. My dad could tell something was not right.
“Something wrong Tim? Normally you won’t shut up” he said
“wh….what……. yeah, sorry, I have a huge test today and I’m stressed about it.” I lied
The rest of the drive was quiet. My lie had worked. The closer we go to the school, the more nervous I became. Even though in the shower I had convinced myself that Ryan was joking, that he really did care and wouldn’t put his best friend thought hell. I knew what was going to happen. My dad pulled up to the school and I got out. The moment I got out of the car everyone was staring at me. I started to walk to the schools front doors. As I was walking by I heard what people were saying about me. “Look, there goes the schools newest fag.” “I knew that fucker was gay.” “This school would be better off without all the gay kids.” Each and every comment I heard drove a spike into my heart. The same hurt that I got when I made the same comments to others. Only this hurt worse. This is what I made people feel like every day. I made them feel like shit, like nobody loved them, like they were not good enough to live in this world. Now that is how I feel.
When the first bell rang I made my way to my first class of the day. On the way there the comment continued; but they also pushed me, and knocked my books to the ground. Everyone pointed and laughed as I kneeled down and picked up my things.
I got to the class room and sat down. Still people were making the comments. Now they were throwing paper balls at me, everyone except one kid. He saw what the others were doing; he turned to face the front of the class, shaking his head. The bell rang and the teacher walked in. Everyone went to their seats. All class people kept passing me notes. They said things like.
“Wana suck me dick, fagboy?”
“I hope you die.”
“Bet you want me to fuck you.”
I felt like shit, lower then dirt. I had to put up with it. Eventually they would stop; at least I hope they would. Each class was the same. Paper getting thrown at me, getting a million notes. By the end of the day my bag was full of the notes. I went to my locker. When I opened it up an avalanche of notes fell on top of me. Everyone started to laugh. Again there were a few that just shook their heads. This time I recognized them as some of the gay kids I helped make fun of. They turned and walked away. I got down on my knees and started to clean up the notes. I went home and cried myself to sleep.
This went on for the next 2 weeks. There seemed to be no end. The notes kept coming; the rest of the students kept making comments. The other gay boys never said anything to me. They would just shake their heads and walk away. I started to take the back halls of the school to avoid the big crowds. As I was walking, I saw a group of boys. When I got closer, I saw that it was Shane, Steve, and Tyler. They were 3 of the boys I made fun of. I walked up to them.
“Guys I’m really sorry for the way I treated you. I was just too scared to do what you guys did, but I wanted to ask, do they stop? The notes I mean.”
“Tim, we are sorry that you are going through this. You’re getting it worse than we did. Maybe because you helped them, then turned about to be gay. But you still hurt us. That is not something I will forgive. Don’t talk to us. We are not your friends in this. We will not join the others and torment you, but we will not help you either.” Tyler said
“Sorry Tim.” Shane and Steve said in unison and walked away with Tyler.
The normal mountain of notes fell out of my locker when I opened it. I got down on my knees and started to pick them up. Someone walked up in front of me. I looked up and saw it was Ryan. “Oh great” I thought.
“Oh lookie here, the gay boy wants to suck my cock. You wana suck my dick in front of all these people fag boy.”
I was furious “GO TO HELL YOU MOTHER FUCKER……….. You were my best friend you son of a bitch…… I needed you to understand and help me…… but you just walked out, like our friendship meant nothing. 9 years we were best friends……HOW CAN YOU WALK AWAY FROM A FRIEND OF 9 YEARS…….” I was crying and yelling.
“You think I wanted to walk away from you. You were the best friend I have ever ha……”
“THEN WHY DAMNIT” I said throw my tears and sobs.
HE hung his head and walked away. That was the day I truly lost my best friend. The harassment got worse after that day, but Ryan never did anything to me. I start to get threats of rape and death. I started to spend my days in the school guidance councilor’s office. My teachers would bring me the notes from the chapter and the homework I needed.
~speeding up 3 months~
The comments in the halls as I walked by have all stopped. Nobody seemed to care that I was there. The key word there was “seemed”. I was still getting threats everyday. Nobody ever acted on them, just empty threats. Except, today was different. When I went to my locker, there was only one note. One single note.
“Watch your back”
That’s all the note said. Most of the time the notes said “your dead” or something to that nature. This note scared me. I’m not sure why. I walked home with these 3 words imprinted on my mind.
The next day at school was back to normal. I still couldn’t shake the fear of that note. I went to the locker room to change for gym. I noticed a few people starring at me. I didn’t think much of it. We played dodge ball that day. Well the other kids did. I got ignored. On the way back to the locker room I got shoved down. So I was the last one in there. I got undress and took a quick shower. Then I headed to get dressed. Someone hid my clothes. By the time I found them almost everyone was out except me and the kids that were staring at me earlier. I felt very uncomfortable. I got dressed as quickly as I could. I started for the door. One boy ran and blocked the way. The others came up behind me. The only thing they were wearing was boxers.
“Guys don’t. Please. Just let me, and I won’t come back to this class.” I said.
“Oh, well in that case we won’t let you go. You see our girlfriends won’t let us have sex with them. Jacking off is not working out. So we are going to use you as our sex doll.”
I tried to run, but they caught me. I started yelling, screaming for help. Luckily someone was coming down the hallway. He came in a found what they were doing. I was crying, begging them to stop. When they saw this other person in the room they let me go. I ran straight home and locked myself in my room.
Both my parents and my little brother came home at the same time. Josh came upstairs and tired to come in my room. I still had the door locked. He knocked and I told him to go away. He did. 2 hours later I unlocked the door and went to the bathroom. Josh must have heard me because he ran upstairs. I was back in my room when he got there. He saw I was crying. He ran down stairs and got my mom and dad. They came up stairs. My mom came and sat down beside me.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t wana talk about it.”
“Sweet heart, if something is wrong, we can fix it.”
“No you can’t. Nobody can fix this.”
“Tell me, what is it?”
“I’m…………………I’m gay mom.” I berried my face in my hands.
“It’s ok Tim, we understand and support you.” My dad said, as he sat down on the other side of me. My mom removed her hand from my back, stood up and walked out of the room.
“Mom………Can we talk about this?”
She ignored me. She went into her room and shut the door. My heart dropped. She wouldn’t even talk to me. The same thing that Ryan and done to me, my mom just did the same thing. I Laid down on the bed and cried. I most have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew my alarm was going off. I really didn’t want to go to school, but I had to. I just changed my clothes and left. I didn’t bother going to the kitchen to get something to eat. I couldn’t face what my mom had done to me the night before.
School started the same. On my way to my second class my phone rang. I looked at who was calling. It was my dad.
“Hey dad” I said with a
“Tim, I’m sorry……..”
“Tim……..Your mom died last night.”
I dropped the phone. I hit the ground and it cracked. I fell to my knees and started crying. A girl came up to me and asked if I was ok. I couldn’t talk. She helped me to the office. When I dropped my phone my dad called the school. The office lady told me again and the girl why I couldn’t Talk. All I could do was hang my and cry. My legs gave out and I fell to the ground. My dad showed up 15 minutes later. He ran into the office and hugged me. We stayed that way for 20 minutes or so. My dad told her that I wouldn’t be in school for a while. She said she would let the teachers knew what’s going on. We went back to our house. I went up to my room and locked the door.
“how could this happen…….I did this…….I killed my mom……….If I was normal and not some dirty faggot, then my mom would be alive.” I said to myself.
The funeral was a week later. I couldn’t even bring myself to sit in the front row with my dad and brother. I stood in the back of the church. How could I be with them, when I was the reason that she was dead? When it came time to say our last goodbyes, I dropped my rose to the floor and left the church. I went and sat on the beach. I tried not to think about anything but my mind kept going back to how terrible of a son I was. That I killed her, it was my fault. My world was upside down.
The following Monday I went back to school. I walked into building already felling like crap. Someone stepped in front of me.
“Welcome back faggot. Guess you mom couldn’t stand have a fudge packer for a son. Haha”
I lost it. I tackled him to the ground and started punching him in the face. I was in a blind rage. Someone pulled me off him. The principal told him I had broken his nose, and then he sent me home.
(This next part I’m not proud of)
I went to my room and locked my door, just like I had been doing for the last 4 months. This time I went in with a purpose. I turned on my radio and got a piece of paper, and started to pour my heart out.
I love you. I always have. You have always been there when I needed you. Even when I told you I was gay. You said you support me. Then you need to support me now in this final decision. I’m sorry that things ended this way for me, but know that I’m in a batter place. A place where I don’t have to deal with people harassing me.
The last 4 months have been hell for me. I told my best friend I was gay and he walked away. He told the school. Now I get harassed daily. Death threats fill my locker. The day that I told you I was gay, I almost got raped in the locker room. Someone walked in and stop them. Tell Scott thanks for me. Then mom left me sitting there. She wouldn’t talk to me. It broke my heart; my own mom would talk to me because I’m gay. Now she is gone because of me. I’m sorry.
I can’t take this anymore. I hurt every day. I can’t take the name calling anymore. I can’t take the threats anymore. Every day they tell me that they wish I was dead, that nobody would miss me. And after what happened today at school, I now believe them. This is the only way to make the pain go away.
I ask that you not cry for me. Be happy that I no longer have to deal with the constant abuse I get at school. I would ask you tell my friends the same thing, but I have none. They all turned their backs on me. The only person that needs to know anything is my once best friend Ryan. Tell him, I’m sorry. Tell him I needed him there to help me. Tell him that I love him as a friend and that I never stopped.
I love you dad. Tell Josh I love him to.
I put the letter in an envelope and put it on my desk, with the word Dad on it. I went over to my bed and reached under the pillow and grabbed my dad’s gun. I had put it there almost 2 months ago. I held it in my hand, thinking this over and over in my head. I put the barrel up to my right temple. I started to squeeze the trigger. I heard a car door shut. I pulled the gun away. Then I thought “Thank you god. Thank you for stopping me.” That car door shutting made me think of my dad and Josh. That I would be hurting more people by leaving this world then I would be helping. I hid the gun and the note, and went down to greet my dad. I was happier then I had been in 4 months.
Well that is Chapter 10. It was not easy for me to write. The ending was the hardest. There have been only a few people that know that I almost killed myself. My dad is not one of them. Not even Zach knew until he read the letter. He read it when I started thinking about doing this chapter. That is the actual suicide note that I wrote. I never threw it away. I kept it as a reminder of how far I had fallen, and that I picked myself up again. No matter how much I hate Jason for doing that shit to me, I have to say thanks to him. He was the person that helped me cope with life after my mom died.
I eventually became friends with Ryan again. Last year he came out. He was in the same boat as me, but too scared to come out. He was pissed that I had the balls to do it and he didn’t. He decided to come out is college to make it easier. I didn’t matter though. He still got harassed. He called me one night and told me that he loved me, and that he couldn’t take it anymore. I told him to wait that I was coming over to talk. I spend over to his house. Cops were chasing me. I ran into his house, and I found him. He Hung himself. I tried to help him, but I was too late.
If you know anyone that is even says anything about wanting to die. Take them seriously. Talk to them and convince them that it is not the easy way. That people do care for them. That they will be missed. It is hard to lose someone that you love and care for. I lost two people. I can’t take another. Another friend tried once. I told him that if he is going to call me in enough time that I can get to you and stop you or to not call me at all.
Ok I have shed enough tears over this Chapter. Please visit my new website http://timwhitestory.bravehost.com/Home.html . This is where I will be posting the newest chapter, along with updates on what is going on with me and Zach. I will also still be posting on Nifty and my yahoo group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Timwhite/