Date: Wed, 27 Feb 2013 17:40:12 -0800 From: B.E. Kelley Subject: The Toothache This story is a work of FICTION. The events described are my own invention. Any similarities to actual events or persons are strictly coincidental. The author retains the copyright, and any other rights, to this original story. You may not publish it or any part of it without my explicit authorization. This story is loosely based on an experience I've gone through recently. I thought I was too young to have this kind of problem and it was almost a disaster. Get regular checkups, they could save your life. Comments are always welcome at: hailcaesar2011@hotmail.com The Toothache "Well Benji your teeth look fine," said Dr. Fisher, "no cavities, or decay of any kind, you could floss more but I don't see any problems." "But there has to be something," I complained, "this toothache has been bothering me for two days." "It might be referred pain," said Dr. Fisher. "What's that?" I asked. "Sometimes other problems manifest themselves as tooth pain," said Dr. Fisher, "have your mom set up an appointment with your pediatrician, maybe get a physical." "Ok, I guess that makes sense, thanks Dr. Fisher," I replied and climbed out of the dentist's chair. "You're welcome Benji, have Maria make an appointment for you in 6 months for your next check up," said Dr. Fisher. I said goodbye to Dr. Fisher, then went out to the reception area and set my next appointment with his receptionist. I went out to the parking lot and hopped into my old Volvo station wagon, then popped a couple of Tylenol. Despite Dr. Fisher's assurance that nothing was wrong with my teeth, one of my molars was still throbbing. Nobody was home when I get there, mom and dad where still at work, Jeremy was at soccer practice, Brian was probably out with his girlfriend and Tommy was probably playing at a friend's house. I thought about calling my boyfriend, Ian, but he would still be at swimming practice. I should have been there too but skipped it for my dentist appointment. With nothing else to do, I changed into a sweatshirt and track pants, laced up my favorite pair of Asics and went out to the backyard. Libby, my Weimaraner and trusty running companion, ran over and put her paws on my chest. I gave her ears a quick scratch, snapped the leash on her collar and then set out at a medium pace. My brothers always give me a bunch of crap when I go running on days like this; they think I must be crazy to run five miles in the snow. I only do it on days when I miss swimming practice, if I can't do my laps, I have to run, or I get antsy and have trouble sleeping at night. Libby loves to run with me, I think she'd run all day if I let her, I always get tired before she does. By the time we got home, mom's car was in the driveway. I took Libby back to the yard, put some kibble in her bowl and then went inside. Mom must have gotten home right after I left, she was cooking dinner and the wonderful smells coming from the stove suggested she'd been at it for a while. "Hi mom," I greeted, as I opened the fridge and got a bottle of water. "Hey sweetie, how was your day?" asked mom, before she kissed me on the cheek, "Oh Benji, honey, you stink." "I know, Libby and I were out running," I explained, "and my day was ok." "Did you see Dr. Fisher?" asked mom. "Yeah, he says my teeth are fine," I replied. "So that tooth isn't bothering you anymore?" "That's the thing, it still hurts but Dr. Fisher is sure it's fine. He said I should have you make an appointment with Dr. Crane," I replied. "The pediatrician?" asked mom. "Yeah, Dr. Fisher says that some other problem might be causing my tooth to hurt, he said it happens sometimes, he called it referred pain or something like that," I explained. "Alright, I'll call the office tomorrow morning before I leave for work," said mom, "now go shower, dad will be home soon, dinners in thirty minutes." "Ok," I smiled, then took off my sweatshirt and tossed it at her. "Benji that's disgusting," mom groaned, I just laughed. I trotted up the stairs and into my room. I quickly stripped off my clothes, tossing them about the room, then put on my bathrobe and went across the hall to the bathroom I shared with my brothers. After a long day at school and a five mile run, there is nothing better than a hot shower. I waited until the room was nice and steamy, then I disrobed and got under the showerhead. I felt the hot water working its magic, massaging my tired muscles like a professional masseuse. When I was clean and relaxed, I dried off and went back to my room, I found my little brother, Tommy, waiting there, bouncing at the edge of my bed with excited energy. "Hi Benji!" Tommy exclaimed. "Hey buddy, what are you doing in here?" I asked. "I heard you turn off the shower, I wanted to tell you about my history report," Tommy smiled. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot, how did it go?" I asked, I'd spent the weekend helping Tommy prepare for his oral report on John Adams, for his 7th grade history class. "It was awesome, I got an A and after class, Mrs. Carter told me my report was the best one," Tommy beamed. "Good job buddy," I smiled, "I'm really proud of you." "Thanks but I couldn't have done it without your help, you know everything!" Tommy exclaimed. "Not everything," I laughed, "I just like history, but you're welcome." "Anyway, how come you didn't wait until I got home before you went running, I wanted to go," said Tommy. "Uh, aren't you the one who sang Benji the Snowman the last time I went running?" I asked. "Yeah well, I thought it might be fun to go," Tommy giggled. "Sorry, I didn't know where you were, anyway, I like to run by myself," I explained. "Libby gets to go," Tommy pouted. "And when you wear a leash and eat your dinner from a bowl in the backyard, I'll take you with me," I giggled. "Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tommy grinned, "hurry up and change, I'm gonna go bug mom until dinners ready." When Tommy left, I got dressed, then went downstairs for dinner. I like dinner time at my house, we always eat together and between my parents and my three brothers, conversations are pretty lively. Jeremy and Tommy spent the meal giving Brian a hard time about his girlfriend, Ashlee. Brian is a great guy, he's smart and athletic, but he's so shy with girls, we were all surprised when he started dating her. I watched him glow redder and redder with each joke the boys made. I didn't say much that night, my tooth was throbbing and as soon as I finished eating, I went back to my room. The pain was still there the next morning, when I tumbled out of bed and dressed for the day. I was running a little late so when I got down too breakfast, I wasn't surprised to see everyone else scrambling to get out the door. "Benji, I called Dr. Crane's office, I got you the 4:30 appointment, will you have enough time to get there after swimming?" asked mom. "I'll tell coach I have a doctor's appointment, he'll let me leave early," I replied. "Alright, you boys have a good day, come on Tommy, we're late," said mom. Mom teaches English at the middle school and she and Tommy always ride together. Being the oldest came with the benefit of a car, even if it was a hand-me-down station wagon, it also came with the responsibility of driving Brian and Jeremy to school. None of us are real morning people, so the drive to school is usually quiet. When I parked the car, we each went our separate ways. I'm not sure where Brian and Jeremy ran off to but I headed over to my locker, where I knew I'd find Ian. Sure enough, I turned the corner off the main hall and there was a tall, blue-eyed, blond standing there, looking ever so cute in his black and blue letter jacket, waiting just for me. "Good morning," Ian smiled brightly, when he saw me. "Hi," I smiled back. I'm really not a morning person, at all, but Ian is and his smiles always put me in a good mood. He looked around the hall, made sure we were alone, then planted a quick kiss on my cheek. "How was practice yesterday?" I asked. "You know, the usual, exercise and hot boys in Speedos," Ian giggled. "You're such a perv," I rolled my eyes. "Oh like you don't look," Ian challenged. "You might think that, I couldn't possibly comment," I smirked. "Uh huh, well, I hope you're ready to bust your ass today, Cory and Adam kept screwing around yesterday and we all have to do extra laps today," Ian informed me. "Sucks to be you, I have a doctor's appointment," I smiled. "Another one?" asked Ian. "Yesterday was the dentist, today is my pediatrician," I explained. "Are you sick," asked Ian, concern on his pretty face. "Nah, just having a physical and stuff," I replied. The bell rang after that and we had to go to class. It was another boring day at school but I was glad to get to swimming practice at the end of the day. No, not just for the boys in Speedos, although I admit that is a nice bonus, I just love being in the water and I feel weird if I haven't swam for a few days. It was a good practice; I worked hard and then checked out of the pool at 4:00 so that I wouldn't be late for my appointment. Coach wasn't happy about it but he's a good guy and always thinks of his team first, he let me go without too much comment. Snow always makes driving in Wallingford a little slow, but I got to my appointment on time. "So Benji, your mom says you've been having some pain in your tooth?" Dr. Crane asked quizzically. "Yeah, I went to my dentist yesterday, he couldn't find anything wrong, he recommended I come see you, he said it might be referred pain," I explained. "I see, well, not knowing exactly what we're looking for, I'll give you a battery of tests, we'll start with a physical, do some x-ray's, take some blood and go from there," said Dr. Crane. I hate physicals, I don't know what a doctor is supposed to find out from grabbing your nuts and making you cough, I think it's a pointless exercise designed to make us both uncomfortable. At least the physical was harmless, after it was done; he drew two vials of blood and then took me to the x-ray room. When all the testing was done, Dr. Fisher said that he would call me when the results were in and we'd go from there. It felt like a waste of time, after all that, my tooth still hurt and I didn't feel any closer to knowing why. When I got home, I told my parents about my appointment, had dinner with my family and started on my homework. I felt more tired than usual so I went to bed early. The next day started out like any other, but everything changed at about 10:00am, when I was at break with Ian and some buddies, and my cell started ringing. "Hello?" I answered. "Benji, this is Katie from Dr. Crane's office calling." "Oh, hi, what can I do for you?" I asked. "Dr. Crane has the results from the tests he performed yesterday, he'd like you to come over to the office right away," said Katie. "Oh, ok, can it wait until this afternoon, I have swimming practice and I've missed a lot the last couple of days," I explained. "I'm sorry Benji but doctor says now," Katie insisted. "Ok, um, I guess I'll be right there," I replied. "What was that all about?" asked Ian. "My doctor's office, he wants me to come over right now, to go over my test results," I replied. "Oh, I wonder why it can't wait?" said Ian. "Yeah, me too, you don't think there's something wrong, do you?" I asked. "Nah, you know doctors, he probably wants to golf later so he's making you come in now," said Ian. "It's 4o degrees outside," I reminded him. "Ok, so racket ball then, I don't know, I'm just sure you're ok," Ian smiled. That made me feel a little better. I smiled back and told Ian that it probably wouldn't take too long and that I'd see him at lunch. I checked out at the front office, got in my car and drove across town. I got instantly nervous when I found my parents waiting in the doctor's reception room. "Mom, dad, what are you guys doing here?" I asked. "Dr. Crane's receptionist called us at work, they said that they got the results from your tests and that he needed to see us right away," said Dad. "Did he say way, is something wrong?" I asked. "We don't know honey, they said he'd tell us when we got here," said mom. I was about to ask another question when Katie the receptionist, opened the door and told us that the doctor would see us now. I'd never been in his actual office before, just the exam rooms; it made me nervous to sit there, looking at all his degrees and diploma's, while we waited for him to walk in. When he did come in, he gave us a cursory greeting then sat at his desk. "Benji, Mr. and Mrs. Keeler, the reason I asked you to come in so quickly is because I got the results of some of the tests I gave you yesterday and we need to talk about them," said Dr. Crane. "Ok, give it to me straight, doc, is it my ticker?" I joked. I do that sometimes, try to defuse tense moments with humor, it never really sounds as good out loud as it does in my head. "Yes, I'm afraid it is," said Dr. Crane. "Wait a minute, what?" I replied. "The results of your EKG show a severe blockage of your left main artery, in my opinion you need an immediate coronary bypass in order to prevent a massive coronary event," the doctor explained. "Oh my God," said mom. "Coronary event?" I asked, my hands starting to tremble. "A heart attack, Benji, from the size of the blockage, it would be life threatening," he explained. "How is this possible, he's a 16 year old boy," said mom. "Yeah, and he's in great shape, he's always in the pool or running," said dad. "Some people are genetically predisposed to heart problems, and I agree that Benji is otherwise in perfect health. It could also be his diet, boys his age eat a lot of junk they shouldn't, his body might not be processing it the way it should and that led to the blockage," said Dr. Crane, "what's important now isn't cause, we can address that later, right now, you need to take Benji down to Yale-New Haven Medical Center. I've already called them and explained his case; they're ready to perform an emergency bypass." I sat there while mom and dad worked out the details with Dr. Crane. I guess I was in shock, I sure as hell couldn't believe what I was hearing. In my wildest dreams, I wouldn't have thought this was the news I'd hear today. "Benji, are you alright?" asked Dr. Crane. "Huh, what?" I replied. "You look a little spaced out," the doctor stated. "I, uh, I'm a little freaked out," I admitted. "Listen, I know this is a lot for you to take in and I won't lie to you, this is a major procedure, but it's also a common one, it's got a 95% success rate," the doctor explained. "Yeah, ok," I nodded, "um, what do we do now, do I have time to take my car home and change?" "I'm afraid not, I can't stress enough the need to act quickly here, you need to go right now," said Dr. Crane. I don't know how I ended up in the car; it was like I blinked my eyes and found myself in the back of my mom's Mercedes. I felt my heart beating fast in my chest and that scared the hell out of me, I was afraid it was going to pop like a balloon at any moment. "Don't worry about your car, I'll take your keys and Brian and I will come get it tonight," said Dad. "Ok," I muttered. "Are you going to bring the boys to the hospital?" I asked. "After you get settled in, I'll wait with you while dad goes to pick them up," said mom. "Ok," I muttered again. "Honey, do you want me to call Ian?" asked mom. "No." "Benji, are you sure, I know you'd want to be there if something like this was happening to him," said mom. "I don't want him to see me like this," I replied, then I broke down. "Oh sweetheart, it's ok, you heard what the doctor said, you're going to be just fine," said mom, though she was crying too. Her words were reassuring but not enough to get me to stop crying. I couldn't get a hold of myself, I couldn't make it stop. I was terrified, 16 year old boys don't have heart surgery! I was so afraid, I felt so weak and betrayed by my own body. I knew my mom was right, Ian would want to be there but I couldn't bear to see the look on his face. I love Ian, I love that big happy grin he always wears, I didn't want to see what my condition would do to his perfect face, how it would wound his gentle heart. When we got to the hospital, I calmed myself down enough to get out of the car but my legs felt wobbly. My mom put her arm around my waist and held me while we walked in, dad was trying to be strong but I could read fear and concern on his face every time he looked at me. We checked in at the cardiac center, mom and dad signed the required paperwork and then an orderly came out with a wheelchair and had me sit down. "Mom," I called out, I started to panic a little when I sat in that chair. "It's alright sweetheart, they're just going to prep you for surgery, I'll see you before they take you in to the operating room," said mom. "Ok," I sniffled. The orderly wheeled me into a room and had me change into a hospital gown. He put my clothes into a dry cleaner bag, then he wheeled me into another room to have a special type of x-ray called a coronary angiogram. I was injected with a dye that's visible on x-rays, then they took shots of my blood vessels. This gave them a detailed look at the blockage. When that was done, I was put in a regular looking hospital room and told to get in bed. I waited there and a few minutes later a nurse walked in. "Hi, I'm Nurse Wright, I'm here to prep you for your operation," she smiled. "Ok, what do you need me to do?" I asked. "Just lie back and relax, I'll take care of everything," said Nurse Wright. She came over to the bed and hooked me up to an IV, then she untied my gown and pulled it down, exposing my chest. "Oh," said Nurse Wright. "What, what is it, is something the matter?" I asked. "No, no, nothing to worry about, I'm just supposed to shave your chest but there's nothing there," she winked. "Oh, you scared me," I replied. "I'm sorry kiddo, having kind of a rough day, huh?" she asked. "You could say that." "Well, don't worry about a thing, this is one of the best hospitals in the country and Dr. Stanhope will be performing your surgery, he's one of the best in the world," said Nurse Wright. "That's good to know," I smiled weakly. "Cheer up kiddo, it'll all be over soon," said Nurse Wright, then she took out a syringe and injected something into my IV line. "What's that?" I asked. "Just a mild sedative, it'll help you relax a little," she explained. "Oh, ok," I muttered, I could already feel it starting to work. "Alright, you just hang out here and I'll go get your mom and dad, ok?" "Yes, thank you," I mumbled, the sedative made my mouth feel a little clumsy when I spoke. I blinked my eyes a few times and must have nodded off, when I woke, mom and dad were standing at my side, mom holding my hand. "Hi," I whispered dreamily. "Hi honey," mom smiled. "Where are Jeremy, Brian and Tommy?" I asked. "They're waiting out in the lobby, the doctors said it was best if they didn't come back here," said mom. "Oh, ok." "They send you their love and they want you to know that they'll be waiting out there until you come out of surgery," said mom. "Would you tell them I love them, please?" I asked. "Of course we will," mom smiled. "And Ian, if anything happens to me, would you tell him for me, you know..." I trailed off. "Don't talk like that sweetie, everything is going to be ok," said mom. "Don't you worry about a thing champ, just think about getting better," said dad. I was about to say something but there was a knock at the door and Dr. Stanhope came in. He started explaining the procedure to my parents but I nodded off again. The next time I woke up, I was on a gurney and they were wheeling me out of my room. "Bye mom, bye dad," I said with a weak wave. They wheeled me into the operating room and I lie on my back, naked save for my underwear. There was a sheet over me with a hole in it exposing my chest. I had to squint to see, there was a light over me that was incredibly bright, then someone put an oxygen mask over my face. "Benji, breathe deeply and count back from 10," said a masked figure with almond shaped eyes. "10, 9, 8, 7..." I counted, then went out like a light. Once I was unconscious, the medial team went to work. Dr. Stanhope made a six inch incision down the center of my chest; he exposed my breast bone and cracked it open, then used a rib spreader to expose my heart and internal organs. Now that he had access to my insides, he used his scalpel to cut open my pericardium, the sack that held my heart. While Dr. Stanhope was doing that, his assistant set about harvesting a saphenous vein from my leg. She started by making an incision from my mid-thigh down to my mid-calf, next she began to cut segments free from the vessel. The harvested segments were placed in a bowl filled with saline solution and my leg was stitched closed. With my pericardium cut open and my healthy blood vessel harvested, the doctor then stopped my heart. He connected me to a heart-lung bypass machine so that it could pump blood for me while he worked on my artery. With the flow of blood to my heart stopped, my aorta was clamped and the flow of blood was redirected to the machine. The anesthesiologist then squirted my heart with a medication that caused it to stop pumping. In a sense, I was dead, my heart, the engine that powered my body was stopped cold. With my heart stopped, Dr. Stanhope then set to work on my artery. The harvested vein was cut to the appropriate size then attached to my aorta. The other end of the vein was attached to the artery just past the blockage. When the procedure was finished, the clamp on my aorta was removed, allowing blood to flow back to the muscle. My heart started to beat on its own and a small electric shock was administered to help it return to its normal rhythm. A chest tube was put in place to drain excess fluids, my sternum was wired back together and then the incision was stitched closed. The procedure had taken three and a half hours. I woke up to ethereal light blurring over my head, I could feel something in my mouth and when I reached up to pull it out, someone stopped me. Dr. Stanhope stood over me, his voice sounded like an echo. "Benji, the surgery is over, you're in recovery now and you're doing just fine. I'll remove the breathing tube, you just close your eyes and rest, ok?" said Dr. Stanhope. All I could do was nod my head. The next time I woke, I felt strange hands holding my penis, on instinct; I reached down and grabbed the offending wrist. The woman I grabbed let out a little bemused shriek. "Who are you and why are you touching me there?" I rasped, my mouth was so dry. "Benji, it's me, Nurse Wright, do you remember where you are?" she asked. "Oh, right, I had surgery," I replied, as the fog lifted from my memory, "what are you doing to my, um..." "I'm just checking your catheter to make sure it was properly administered," she explained. "Oh," I blushed. "Don't worry kiddo, I've seen plenty of them," she winked. "Oh," I blushed again, "could I have some water?" "Let's try some ice chips first, ok?" said the nurse. "Yeah, ok," I nodded. She fed me some ice chips, dried the corner of my mouth, then gave me a drink from a Dixie Cup. "Good boy," she winked, "now, why don't you rest while I got get your parents, ok?" "Yeah, that would be good," I mumbled, I was still coming out of the deepest sleep I'd ever had. "Hi honey," my mom smiled a few minutes later, when she and my dad entered the room. They each hugged me gently, wrapping themselves around my shoulders, careful not to touch my incision or the chest tube. "Hi mom, hi dad," I smiled weakly. "How do you feel son?" asked dad. "Tired," I replied. "That's ok, the doctor says you're going to be sleepy for most of the day," said mom. "Can I see, Jeremy, Brian and Tommy?" I asked. "Ok, but only for a minute," said dad, as he left to get them. My mom just smiled down at me and stroked my hair; I could see how relieved she was. In all my efforts to try and be a big boy, to grow up, it's sometimes easy to forget that I'm still her baby; this must have been hell for mom and dad. "I'm ok mom," I whispered. "I know, the doctor says you came through the operation just fine, no complications at all," she smiled. "Hey," said Jeremy, sticking his head through the door, "is it ok if we come in?" "Yeah, come on over," I smiled and waved them in. "How ya doin?" asked Jeremy. "Better then I look I bet," I replied. "What else is new?" Brian teased. "Smartass," I smiled. "Are you ok?" sniffled Tommy, he was hiding behind my dad. "I'm fine Tommy, well I will be, the operation was a complete success," I explained. "Can I hug you?" asked Tommy, coming out from behind dad's leg. "Sure buddy, I'd like that." "Be gentle Tommy, don't touch his chest," said Dad. Tommy stood on his tip toes and hugged me around my neck. I heard him sniffle a little and I rubbed his back. Tommy's always been my little buddy, and I wanted to reassure him. "I'm ok Tommy, really, I'll be home in a few days," I sighed. "Benji, you alright?" asked mom. "Tired mom," I yawned. "Ok guys, how about we let your brother get some rest?" said dad, then they all turned to walk out. "Hey mom," I called after them. "Yes sweetie?" "Call Ian, please, I wanna see Ian," I asked. "Ok, I will," she smiled. "Promise?" "I promise," said mom. "Thanks," I yawned, then fell back to sleep. The next time I woke up, there was sunlight filling my room. It was a soft, orange glow that hinted at a sunrise waiting to be born. This time I was fully cognizant, there was no fog from anesthesia but there was a dull pain coming from my chest. I put my hand gingerly against the wounded area and groaned when I felt the chest tube, the area around it ached. "Want me to get someone?" said Ian. I flinched at the sound of his voice, he was in a chair off to the side and behind the propped up position of my bed. "When did you get here?" I asked. "Your mom called me about eight o'clock last night, I came straight here," said Ian. "You've been here all night?" "I couldn't leave you here by yourself," he smiled, "why didn't you tell me you were having surgery?" "It was an emergency, there wasn't time," I lied. "Babe, I know you're mom pretty well, she would have called me, you told her not to," said Ian, he knew me to well for me to lie to him with much confidence. "Can we talk about it later, I need someone," I winced; the pain was getting a little worse. "Right, I'm sorry, I'll be right back," said Ian. He turned to walk out the door but before he could cross the room, a nurse walked in with a tray. "Ah, I see we're awake," she smiled. "Yeah, where's Nurse Wright?" I asked. "She went off duty at midnight, I'm Nurse Olson," she explained, "how are you feeling this morning?" "I ache a little," I replied, "and I uh, gotta pee." "The ache is normal, you should be right around the edge of the last round of painkillers you were given, not to worry, I brought more," said Nurse Olsen, holding up her tray, "as for the other part, just go ahead, you've been catheterized." She handed me a small cup, I swallowed the pills inside with a drink of water, then started blushing a little. "You want some privacy honey?" smiled Nurse Olsen. "Yeah." "Alright, the doctor will be by to check on you soon, that chest tube will need to come out later today," she explained, then walked out. "Want me to leave to?" asked Ian. "No, you can stay, but uh, would you turn away?" I asked. "Sure," Ian smiled. Once I started going I didn't think I'd be able to stop, I don't know where all that fluid came from, I'd hardly had anything to drink since yesterday morning. "All done?" asked Ian, a minute later. "Yeah, you can turn around," I blushed. "You know you're cute when you blush, right?" asked Ian. "If you say so," I grunted, then reached for his hand, "I'm glad you're here." "I wouldn't be anywhere else," said Ian, as he took my hand. "Does anyone else know I'm here?" I asked. "Pretty much everyone, people have been texting me all night, asking if they could come and see you," said Ian. "Who told?" I exclaimed. "I don't know, wasn't me, maybe one of your brothers?" said Ian. "Damn it, I didn't want the whole world to know!" "Benji, what's the matter, you didn't want me here until after the operation, you don't want your friends to come see you, they all care about you, they just want to wish you well," said Ian. "I don't know, it's weird, I just feel, I don't know," I mumbled, I was getting frustrated; I couldn't find the words to express myself. "It's ok, you don't have to explain yourself, you just need to rest and get better," said Ian. "You're a good boyfriend Ian, I didn't keep you away because I don't love you, promise me you won't think that?" I pleaded. "Of course I don't think that, silly," he smiled again, his special, perfect smile, "but I am worried about you." "I'll be fine now, the surgery was a success," I replied. "Ok," said Ian, with a yawn. "Did you get much sleep?" I asked and felt a little guilty, I'd slept great. "No, not much, but that's ok, I was looking after precious property," Ian winked. "Thanks, it means the world to me that you were here," I replied, and I meant it, I love him, "but my parents will be here soon and the doctors and stuff, why don't you go home and get some rest, then come back after you've had a nap?" "Are you sure?" asked Ian. "Yeah, you're gonna need your sleep, I'm going to be leaning on you a lot," I smiled. "Alright," said Ian, then he leaned down and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. "Easy, I don't want his heart rate to spike," said Dr. Stanhope, as he snuck in. Ian and I both blushed. "It's ok, I was just leaving," Ian smiled. The doctor gave him a friendly smile and I looked away, I couldn't bring my eyes up to meet the doctors, I'm pretty shy, especially about something as private as my sexuality. "That's a nice kid, did you know he stayed by your side all night?" asked Dr. Stanhope. "Yeah I heard," I blushed, earning myself one of the doctor's smiles. "Well, the surgery went fine, I'm just here to take a look at that chest tube and check your chart, ok?" asked Dr. Stanhope. I nodded my head and Dr. Stanhope unbuttoned the side of my gown, under the armpit, so he could examine the area around the tube and the bag that was filling with fluid. I couldn't see the wound and I wasn't sure I wanted to; I didn't think I was ready for that. "Well, everything looks good here, the flow of fluid has almost stopped, I think we'll remove the tube this evening and that uncomfortable catheter," said Dr. Stanhope. "What if I have to go to the bathroom?" I asked. "Call a nurse, someone will help you out of bed and over to the bathroom, it's important that we get you up and moving," said Dr. Stanhope, "I want to get you home by the end of the week, in order to do that you have to be functioning at a level I feel safe discharging you with." "Oh, ok," I nodded. Dr. Stanhope left after that and then the stream of visitors began. It was still early when my mom and dad came in, they brought the boys again and then dad took them to school and headed to his office. He's our county district attorney and unfortunately he was in court that day and couldn't get out of it. Mom arranged a substitute for herself, so that she could stay by my side. After my dad and the boys left, my swimming coach came to visit, then my principal, followed by my grandparents who drove down from Vermont. At lunch time some friends from school and the swim team came by, that just upset me though, the girls cried and the boys, well, aside from such words of wisdom as "dude," and "whoa," didn't have much to say. Mom made sure I got plenty of time to rest between visitors and then that evening, Dr. Crane came by to check on me. He stayed and helped Dr. Stanhope remove the chest tube and catheter. At 6 o'clock that evening, I finally talked my mom into letting dad take her home, I gave her the same line I'd given Ian, she needed to keep her strength if she was going to help me. After my family left, a Nurse Wright came in to check my vitals, that was annoying; they seemed to do it every time I relaxed. "Your buddy called, he was trying to get hold of your mom," said the nurse. "Oh, which one?" I asked. "That tall blond hottie that was here last night," she winked. "Oh, that's Ian," I blushed, "why didn't he just call her cell?" "No cell phones allowed in this ward, can't have them scrambling the machines," she explained. "Did he say what he wanted?" "Just that he was coming by to see you," she smiled. "Oh, ok, cool." "Not to tired from all your visitors?" asked Nurse Wright. "No, but, um, I do have to pee," I blushed. "Will you stop that already?" she smiled, "everyone does it." "I know, but um, can you help me to the bathroom?" I asked. "Sure." Nurse Wright had me hold on to the rolling IV stand so I could bring it with me, then she helped me hobble over to the bathroom. Every step seemed to make me wince, it was slow going, but I'd been told to expect that so I wasn't too worried. "Your mom brought you some pajamas, she thought you'd be more comfortable in your own clothes then in that gown, I put them in there, on the shelf," said Nurse Wright, "take things easy in there, don't strain yourself and when you're ready to get dressed, just call out and I'll help you, I'll be waiting right out here." "Ok, thanks," I replied, then closed the door to do my business. After peeing, I stood up and took off my hospital gown, I stood there in my underwear and that's when I got the first good look at myself. I looked in the mirror and saw blue eyes, normally they're kind of sparkly, but now they were flat, my skin looked paler then normal and even my short brown hair looked limp. The worst part was the incision, this was the first time I'd seen it, angry red and raw, it looked wet like torn flesh, stitched together like Frankenstein's monster. I was leaning against the counter and my arms started to shake, then tears started to fall from my eyes. "Oh Jesus," I whined, "Oh my God." It was hideous. I stood there and wept, it was so ugly and it would be with me the rest of my life, there was no way I wouldn't have a huge scar. While I stood there, sobbing, I heard voices coming from the room; I knew Ian was there, talking to Nurse Wright. I stayed in there as long as I could but eventually she knocked on the door. "Benji, doing alright in there?" she asked. "Yeah, uh, yeah I'm fine," I replied as I scrambled to wipe my eyes. "Do you need a hand with your pajamas?" she asked. "Uh, yes please," I replied, it hurt to bend over to far and I didn't know how I was supposed to get a t-shirt on over my IV. "I can help," said Ian, Nurse Wright had opened the door but I pulled back out of sight so he couldn't see me. "No, uh, I want the nurse, Ian could you just wait there?" I asked. "Oh, ok," said Ian, I sensed disappointment in his voice, he was so eager to help. "Are you sure you don't want him to help, if I were you'd, I'd rather have that cutie pie then some old lady like me," said Nurse Wright, once the door closed. "I don't want him to see it," I sniffled. "What, you're incision?" she asked. "It's awful." "Honey, they all are, it's no big deal," she explained. "Sure, it's no big deal if you're 60, look, I just don't want him to see, please help me?" I asked. "Ok, ok, don't get yourself upset, I was just asking," said Nurse Wright. She helped me put my pajama's on, then temporarily unplugged me from the IV while she slipped a t-shirt over my head and arms. When I was all dressed, she plugged me back into the IV drip and then guided me back to my bed. Once I was under the blankets, I pulled them up high, as if the t-shirt wasn't enough to hide my chest. "I'll leave you boys alone now," smiled Nurse Wright, then she walked back out to the nurse's station. "Hey," said Ian. "Hey," I smiled, then took his hand. "Benji, are you sure you're ok?" asked Ian. "As ok as I can be right now," I replied. "I know, dumb question I guess, I just, well, I get the feeling you don't want me around," said Ian. "Ian, it's not that, I swear, I'm just feeling a lot of emotions right now, I mean, I could have died, you know?" I stated. "I know, and that scares the hell out of me, I mean, you weren't even sick before this," said Ian. "Yeah, I just need a little time to bounce back, ok?" I asked. "Of course, anything you want," said Ian, "I have to get going anyway, my mom won't let me miss school again tomorrow." "Ok, could you do something for me before you leave?" I asked. "Sure, what, anything, name it," said Ian, flashing one of his big smiles. "That was good enough," I replied. "What did I do?" asked Ian. "You know, dimples," I grinned. "Oh," Ian blushed, then kissed my cheek, "I'll come by right after class tomorrow, ok." "I'll see you then." About an hour after Ian left, I got a roommate. He looked old, I guessed at least 65, maybe 70, but he was in good spirits and talkative. "Jesus Christ, what are you doing in the cardiac unit, you're a baby!" he exclaimed. "I uh, I had bypass surgery yesterday," I explained. "No shit?" he asked. "No shit." "I got mine in 90, bet you weren't even born then," he replied, then lifted up his shirt to show me his scar. "No, I wasn't" I replied. "Come on kid, show me your zipper," he urged. I don't know why I showed him, maybe it was because he was a stranger, I didn't love him, I didn't care if it grossed him out, or maybe it was the fact that he was a fellow traveler, so to speak. Hell, it was probably just to shut him up, I got the sense that he'd keep talking until I showed him. I pulled the covers away, then lifted up my t-shirt. "Phew, that's a beauty," he whistled, "Names Frank; I'm in for a tune up on my pacemaker." "Benji, well, Ben, but everyone calls me Benji," I replied. "Good to know ya Benji," said Frank. He kept talking but eventually his wife came in, he asked me to show her my "zipper," but she was kind enough to tell him to shut up and leave me alone. While she had his attention, I was able to get some sleep. The next couple of days were a blur of visits from my parents and Ian, along with an assortment of friends and family and constant attention from doctors and nurses. Frank also had a stream of visitors and he delighted in showing off my incision to them, they all seemed fascinated that someone so young had undergone such an operation. If I never hear the phrase, "show `em your zipper," again, it'll be too soon. On the fourth day, Dr. Stanhope pronounced me well enough to return home, under strict orders that I rest, work to rebuild my appetite and monitor my incision for any signs of infection. If everything went according to plan, he'd release me back to school and normal activities in 4 to 6 weeks. There were a bunch of other things I had to do, but mom took detailed notes so I wouldn't have to, I just wanted to go home. The doctor said it was normal to be depressed and cry easily while I was recovering but I lied and told him I felt fine. I didn't want anyone asking me questions about things I was trying to bury. When I got home, my grandparents were there along with some aunts, uncles and cousins. I tried to be polite but I didn't want attention, I wanted to slink off to my room and be left alone. I was embarrassed by what had happened to me, it made me feel weak, it shattered my teenaged sense of invincibility and that shook me to my very core. Everyone wanted to help, wanted to do things for me and all I wanted was to not feel like an invalid. I was getting more and more frustrated by the moment and I'm ashamed to say I took it out on Brian. "Hey, where ya going?" asked Brian, when I stood up from the chair I'd been sitting in. "Up to my room," I replied. "Oh, let me help you," Brian offered. "I'm alright, thanks." "But the doctor said you shouldn't over exert yourself," said Brian. "It's just the stairs to my room, I'll be fine." "Yeah, but..." "I said I'll be fine God damn it, would you just get off my back!" I shouted, drawing all the attention to myself, the last thing I wanted. "Yeah, yeah, sure, I, I'm sorry," said Brian, then he turned away, I think he was crying, he's always been the sensitive one and I knew I'd hurt his feelings. The thing was, I didn't care just then, I wanted to get away and I limped off to my room as quickly as I could. When I got there, I shut the door and took off my shirt, I stared at my scar and as I had every night since my surgery, I cried. A few minutes later, there was a knock at my door, I figured it was one of my parents coming to tell me to apologize to Brian, so I didn't answer it. There was another knock and when I didn't answer it, Tommy came in. I didn't even try to pretend I wasn't crying, there were too many tears, I just crossed my arms over my chest so he wouldn't have to see my incision. "Hey," said Tommy. "Hey," I sniffled back. "Benji, why are you crying?" I don't know what made me open up to my youngest brother, maybe it was the concern in his eye, maybe it was the unconditional love I saw there, for whatever reason, I moved my arms so he could see "it." "Because I'm so ugly," I wept. "Benji, don't say that, you're not ugly," said Tommy. "I'm hideous, look at my chest, I look like a monster." "You know what I think?" asked Tommy in his inquisitive, boyish manner. I just looked at him with eager eyes, hopping that the 12 year old might have some words of wisdom. "I think it's beautiful," said Tommy, as he touched my chest and gently stroked the skin around my wound. "Are you nuts?" I asked. "It is beautiful, Benji, it saved your life," said Tommy. "It's just what's left of that horrible procedure, just a reminder that my own weak heart tried to kill me," I sniffled. "Well, when I look at it, I see a miracle, I still have my big brother because of that scar," said Tommy, then he put his arms around my neck and hugged me tight. "You really think that?" I asked. "Yeap," said Tommy. I sometimes wish I was still a little kid, they see things so much better than the rest of us. I still thought he was wrong but it was comforting to know that at least my baby brother didn't think less of me. Tommy left and let me take a nap, my mom was there when I woke up, she gave me my evening meds then asked me to come down to dinner, she said the family had gone. Brian was sitting in his usual set, when I came into the dining room; I walked up behind him, put my hands on his shoulders and gave him a kiss on the top of his head. "I'm sorry," I whispered in his ear, then sat down. "It's ok," said Brian, giving me his shy smile, "I just wanted to help." "I know, I'm sorry I snapped, it was my fault, not yours," I assured him. The first week at home was rough, not because I was in a lot of pain, I mean, I always felt pain, it was this dull sensation I was always aware of, but it was well controlled with medication. The problem was I ran out of things to do, I think I have a tendency towards hyper-activity, I don't like to sit still any longer then I have to and I really fidget when I don't get to exercise. I was under strict orders, no swimming, no running, for at least 4 weeks. The best I could do was short walks but my mom wouldn't let me take the dog and she insisted on coming with me. That didn't work, part of the reason I like to run is the solitude, being by myself to clear my head. Mom wanted to talk the entire time. I tried reading, I love to read but after a while I got up and paced around the room with my book. That didn't bother me until I tripped over one of my sneakers and mom freaked out. She heard me fall and it scared the hell out of her, she ran up the stairs and was painting when she walked in. She saw me picking myself up from the floor and looked at me as if she expected to find me dead on the carpet. That was the end of that, from then on, she insisted I hang out in the family room, where she could keep an eye on me. I wanted to complain but I couldn't do it, I felt a terrible sense of guilt about what I put my parents through, I didn't want to cause them anymore pain, so I camped out in front of the TV even if I'd rather be alone. The brightest part of the day was my afternoon visits from Ian. He came over after swim practice, every afternoon. My parents love Ian, he's the kind of boy parents dream of their daughter marrying, in my case, my parents were just as happy their boy had found someone so special. Ian is beautiful, tall and statuesque with his swimmers body, he's a straight A student, he's kind, caring, tender and...such a dork. That's one of the things I like best about him, he's not one of those pretty boys who trades on his looks and has nothing else to offer, he's fun, he's goofy and I know he's completely in love with me. I've known that since before we were a couple, Ian is a terrible card player, not that I'm any better; he just can't hide what he's thinking. I've been able to read his eyes since the day we met. Two weeks after my surgery, I was feeling a little better, I wasn't as depressed as I had been and I stopped thinking of myself as some kind of hideous monster, just because I had a scar. I realize that was stupid but I had major life changing event take place and I felt entitled to my irrationality. I still wouldn't let anyone I cared about see it, I was still self-conscience about it but I wasn't pushing people away anymore. In fact, when it came to Ian, I craved him. We've been together since our freshman year, we took things slow, we didn't even do more than kiss that first year, but we've been making love for 6 months. The day of my two week anniversary, I waited for Ian to come over. I was still camped out in the family room but my mom trusted Ian to look after me and when he came over, she let us go up to my room. Ian took off his letter jacket and hung it on the back of my desk chair and when he turned around, I pushed him down on my bed, you should have seen the look on his face. "Feeling frisky?" Ian grinned when I lie next to him. "Uh huh," I nodded, then kissed him hard on the mouth. Ian was very tender; he rolled me onto my back and propped himself up on his elbow, so he could hover over me while we kissed. His kisses were just as urgent as mine; he'd missed this as much as I had. My poor baby, he was accustomed to my affection and for the last few weeks, he's had to do without. I wanted to make it up to him, I put my hand behind his neck and massaged the muscles while our tongues dueled, that always makes him purr. Ian moaned into my mouth then put his hand gingerly on my chest. "Is this ok?" he asked, nodding at the placement of his hand. "Yeah, just be gentle," I reminded him. We continued kissing and Ian stroked my chest. His fingers were so nimble; he massaged my pectorals then skirted around my incision and rubbed my abs. His hand came up under my t-shirt where he rubbed my lower belly, his fingers skirting along my waistband, as if waiting for permission to go lower. Ian's touch is like a magic key, when he touched me there, I moaned and my legs spread apart as if they had a mind of their own. Ian slipped his hand into my pajamas and gently groped me through my underwear. He's such a boy sometimes, I could tell from the way his kissing changed that he was having fun, playing with my package, as if he'd just found a new toy. I was so hard, it had been so long since we'd been this intimate, Ian slipped his hand into my briefs and stroked my shaft. I moaned again, then something else started to happen, something that's happened a million times over the course of our love life but hadn't scared me before. My heart started racing, I could hear it pounding in my ears, thump, thump, thump, thump. I was light headed, all that blood had rushed into my dick and the thumping grew louder and faster and I started to panic. "Stop, Ian, stop, stop," I panted. He just giggled and licked my neck. "No, Ian, really, stop," I whined. My change in tone froze him, then he pulled away. "What's wrong, are you ok, do you need me to call someone?" he rambled. "I'm fine, it's just, maybe we shouldn't be doing this, you know, strenuous activity and all," I stammered. "Oh, ok, I was afraid I hurt you," said Ian, breathing a sigh of relief. "No, not at all, I love you and I loved what we were doing, I just think it's better to wait." "Yeah, I don't want to take any risks," Ian agreed, though he seemed a little disappointed, "anyway, I better get going, my mom told me not to be late for dinner tonight." "Ok, see you tomorrow?" I asked. "You bet," he smiled, then kissed me on the forehead. I started panting when he left, I was desperate to catch my breath, I'd been holding it during our conversation. That scared me, bad, I thought my heart was going to pop; it had been racing so fast. I didn't know what I was going to do, I was afraid of my own body; it had already betrayed me once. I wanted to be with Ian, missed being with him, needed him like I needed no other, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't take the risk, I didn't want to die. I didn't get to think about it long. "Benji, come back downstairs please," my mom called out. "Fuck," I whispered to myself, "Be right down mom!" I started to get frustrated after that. I was getting better and I was trying to get back into the groove of doing the things I normally did, but something felt, off. It was like something about me had changed when they stopped my heart and brought me back from the dead. Things just didn't feel right, I felt out of sync, out of rhythm. Most people would have never noticed it, in fact, it even took me a while to pick up on it, it was most evident to me when I played the piano. My mom and dad were the kind of parents that never let us sit around like idle princes, they made sure that my brothers and I always had some kind of activity. When we were younger it was little league and soccer or music lessons, as we got older, we each found our niche and went our own ways. I was the only one that stuck with music, I liked playing the piano and I was good at it, great even. Since I was a very little boy, I've had this ability with music, I just have to hear a piece and then somehow, I'm able to play it. That hasn't been working so well lately, before my operation, I'd started playing Beethoven's Sonata 23. It's a complex piece and I took pride in being able to breeze through it, now I was hitting sour notes, every time I got to the middle of the piece. It was starting to piss me off, I wanted to get back to normal, I wanted to put this all behind me and yet I couldn't even play my fucking piano anymore. Three days after my aborted sexual encounter with Ian, I sat at the piano and I was determined to get that song right. I played it over and over again, for hours. Mom tried to get me to stop, I think she was getting tired of hearing it, but I couldn't, I was so driven to get it right. After about the fiftieth time, I slammed my hands down on the keys and swore. "GOD DAMN IT!" I exclaimed. Then I felt soft, yet strong hands on my shoulders, I didn't need to turn around to know it was Ian. "I didn't hear you knock." "I came in through the kitchen, your mom saw my through the window, didn't have to knock," he explained, "she asked me to look after you while she ran to the store." "I don't need a babysitter," I grumped. "I know, big boy," Ian giggled, "but she said you were getting a little frustrated with this music and I thought, well, now that we're alone, maybe I could help." "Uh, how, you can barely play an iPod, let alone a piano," I quipped. Ian wrapped his arms around me from behind, then kissed me on the neck. "Put your hands on the keys, smartass," said Ian, "and close your eyes." "How am I supposed to read the sheet music if I can't see?" I asked. I heard Ian pick up the loose sheets of paper and toss them over his shoulder. "You don't need that crap," said Ian, he was so close to me, I could feel his breath, hot on my neck. "But..." I began. "Shhh, you don't need sheet music Benji, the music is right here," he whispered and delicately ran his fingers over my heart, "now take a deep breath and relax." I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. "Ok big boy, play," he instructed. It was so easy, I was so relaxed, the music just seemed to pour out. Ian stayed behind me, kissing and nuzzling my neck, blowing on my ear, he put me completely at ease and my fingers danced across the keys like a prima ballerina. When I'd played the piece to completion, I let out a contented sigh and opened my eyes. "Thanks," I whispered. "You were getting to worked up, you just needed to relax," said Ian, then he sat next to me on the bench. I leaned over and kissed his sweet lips. "I love you," I said, sincerely. "I know," he smirked, then kissed me back. We started to make out again, and I began to unbutton his shirt. I love his chest, it's so smooth, the muscles so firm. I ran my hands along his muscles, sucked his tongue and I was happy, then he reached for the drawstring in my pajamas. It started again, thump, thump, thump, thump, my heart rate started to speed up, faster and faster. I could feel my body shaking, feel sweat on my forehead. "Stop," I said, and pulled back. "Ok, ok," said Ian, instantly. "I'm sorry, I can't," I whined. "It's alright Benji," said Ian, pulling me into a hug. "No it's not, I want to be with you, I just can't," I cried. "What's the matter, what's spooking you?" asked Ian, as he rubbed my back. "My heart, it was just beating so fast," I stated. "That's ok, so was mine," said Ian. "Yeah but I started shaking and I'm sweating and I just got so scared," I explained. "My poor boy," said Ian, rocking me in his arms, "it's going to be ok Benji, we don't have to have sex right now, or tomorrow or a week from now, we'll do it when it feels right to you." "You deserve someone who can give you everything you want," I whined. "Hey, don't talk like that, all I want is you and you damn well know it," said Ian, sternly, then he kissed the top of my head. "Thanks for being so patient," I replied and rested my head against his chest. I was glad for his patience and restraint. It wasn't that he didn't want me, I sensed that he wanted to rip my clothes off and jump me, he's a 16 year old boy, he has his urges, he was just giving me my space. We still kissed, a lot in fact, I love making out with him and I could do that without setting my heart like a ticking time bomb. I was sad when Ian left, I slipped out of the family room when my mom wasn't looking and hid out in my room until dinner. Mom must have told the rest of the family that I was having a bad day because when I came down to dinner; Tommy immediately went to work to cheer me up. "Benji, you're fired!" Tommy exclaimed. "Huh?" I asked, taking my seat. "You slept in and didn't see me off to school today and look what happened!" said Tommy, as he pushed his seat back and put his feet up on the table. He was wearing Converse sneakers, one was red, the other one was blue. "Um and how is this my fault?" I snickered. "If you had been at breakfast, you would have said something and I wouldn't have gone to school with two different shoes!" Tommy exclaimed with a grin. "What makes you so sure I would have noticed?" "Because you're gay, you guys are supposed to have good taste in fashion but you weren't there and now my friends are all calling me Two-Shoes Keeler," said Tommy. "You're right, I'm sorry, can you ever forgive me?" I laughed. "Bah, I'll let it slide this time but it's your last chance, one more time and I mean it, FIRED!" Tommy giggled. "Feet off the table, Thomas," said dad, but he was smiling too. I love my baby brother. He's such a sweet kid, I knew the shoe thing was just his way of trying to cheer me up especially because I wouldn't have said anything if I had seen him that morning. Tommy' a quirky kid, wearing two different shoes wasn't the most unusual thing he's ever done. Four weeks after my surgery I was back in Dr. Stanhope's office and he gave me a clean bill of health. He said my body was recovering ahead of schedule, thanks to my otherwise perfect health prior to the operation. I was cleared to go back to school and cleared to start swimming and running again, though I would have to build back to my usual pace. Mom and I were about to leave his office, but I had one more question. "Dr. Stanhope, can I ask you something?" I said. "Of course, what can I do for you Benji?" I was about to blurt it out but then I remembered my mom, sitting in the chair next to mine. "Uh, mom, can you give me a minute, please?" I asked. "Oh, uh, ok," said mom, looking at me suspiciously. "It's a guy question," I blushed. "Oh, I understand, I'll be right outside," mom winked. "So, what seems to be the problem?" asked Dr. Stanhope, after mom left. "Well, since the surgery, I haven't been able to, uh, you know..." I began. "Masturbate?" asked Dr. Stanhope, with a grin. I couldn't meet his gaze, I just nodded my head. "Don't be embarrassed, it's perfectly normal for boys your age, in fact, I'd think there was something wrong if you didn't," said Dr. Stanhope. "It's not just that, see, you remember that blond kid who visited me in the hospital?" I asked. "Oh, you mean the pretty one?" Dr. Stanhope grinned at me. "Uh, yeah, that's him," I blushed. "Yes, I remember him," said the doctor. "Well, see, he's my boyfriend and we've tried to, well see, when he touches me there, uh my heart starts racing and I can hear it beating faster..." I trailed off. "I see, you want to know if it's safe for you to have sex," said Dr. Stanhope. "Um, yeah." "Well Benji, the symptoms you described are perfectly normal for a boy in that state of arousal. You're heart is sound, your operation was a complete success, you're cleared to return to normal exercise, that includes sex," Dr. Stanhope explained. "So my heart isn't going to explode if Ian makes me cum?" I blurted out, then blushed when I realized what I said. "It might feel that way, but I think that's love, not cardiac arrest," the doctor grinned, "Benji, you're fine, you're healthy, as long as you're being safe and taking the proper precautions for both you and Ian's sake, I don't see any physical reason for you to abstain." "Ok, well, that's good news, thanks doc," I smiled, then joined my mom out in the car. "So what was that all about?" asked mom. "Nothing," I replied. "Nothing?" she asked. "Told you, just guy talk," I smiled. She let it drop there. I think she knew that I needed to have some secrets of my own. When I got home, I was raring to go, I called Ian straight away, I wanted him to come over and rip my clothes off, the only problem was, he wasn't home. In my excitement I forgot that he was at his grandparents until Sunday night and that I wouldn't see him until Monday. At least I wouldn't have to wait until the afternoon; I'd get to see him at my locker, first thing in the morning. I sent him a text message, right away. BENJI: Hey. IAN: HI! How did your appointment go? BENJI: I'll tell you all about it, at school on Monday :). IAN: YAY! Everyone is going to be so happy to see you. BENJI: Yeah, I can't wait; I'm kind of excited myself. IAN: I'll be waiting by your locker. BENJI: Ok, how are your grandma and grandpa. IAN: Nagging me for playing with my phone, so good :) BENJI: Cool, see you Monday. It was a long weekend, I couldn't wait for Monday. It's funny, the one time I was actually eager for a Monday morning and the weekend just seemed to drag on. When the day finally arrived, it was like business as usual, a hectic breakfast with my family, then we drove to school. I let Brian drive that morning; I hadn't driven in over a month and thought it would be better to ease into it. I had planned to just slip quietly into school and race to my locker to find Ian, but Brian and Jeremy had other plans. My brothers told everyone about my impending return and some of my friends, cheerleaders, painted a large banner that read "Welcome Back Benji," and hung it over the main entrance. A bunch of my friends were gathered there and people clapped and cheered when I walked up. I never realized I was so popular before, it was good to see my friends and it warmed my wounded heart to see home much they cared about me. The best part was Ian, his tall form was standing in the back of the crowd, he was smiling the brightest and clapping the loudest. "Welcome back Benji," said Erica Harper, a pretty cheerleader I tutored in history, she kissed me on the cheek. "Good to see you buddy!" said Matt Johnson, clapping me on the back. It seemed that everyone wanted to touch me, hug me, shake my hand or pat me on the back, and let me know how happy they were to see me. It was a wonderful feeling and I almost cried, I was so touched. When the crowd finally dispersed, I found Ian and we walked to my locker. Just like any other morning, he made sure no one was looking, then he kissed me. This kiss was a little better than most of our quick morning pecks, he held my face in his hands and pressed his lips to mine, it was wonderful. "Can you come over after practice?" I asked. "Sure, are you going to be there?" he replied. "Yeah, Dr. Stanhope said I have to take my time and get back to my normal pace but its ok for me to get back in the pool. I called Coach Brokaw and he said he'd be happy to give me a lane to myself while I get back into shape," I replied. "Cool, it'll be good to see you there," smiled Ian, "of all the pretty boys in Speedo's, you're the prettiest one of all." "And of all the pretty boys in Speedo's, you're the biggest dork of them all," I giggled, then the bell rang. "Shit, I wanna kiss you again," Ian smiled, then he just did it. "Ok lover boy, I have to get to class," I smiled. "Yeah me too, see you at lunch," said Ian, then he trotted off. It was a good day, my teachers were happy to see me, my friends made me feel welcome, even strangers seemed to go out of their way to open doors and do little things to help me out. I had lunch with Ian and my friends, he held my hand under the table and we traded bashful smiles when no one else was looking. Things were going great, until I got to the locker room before practice. If you look at most swimmers, the good ones who actually put in the effort to be good at the sport, one thing you'll notice is how beautiful their bodies are, some of them are even perfect. I'd always considered myself part of that club, I wasn't being vain, say what you will about my face, you're entitled to your opinion, but I worked hard on my body and it was just as lean and toned as the other boys on my team. When I got to the locker room, I hung up my varsity letter jacket and started to untie my shoes. I was still a little stiff, I hadn't had much exercise in the last month and I was taking my time. I noticed the other guys; they were stripping, getting naked and putting on their Speedo's. They were still beautiful, like sculptures, their skin was smooth and clear and I couldn't help but think of my chest. It too was smooth and clear, with a giant canyon of angry red scar tissue down the center. I started to get upset, I knew I was being irrational, no one would care about my scar but to me, standing next to all these other boys; I stood out as the one who was weak. I thought I'd gotten over that but evidently I'd just suppressed it. I couldn't take it, I didn't want to be around them, I tied my shoes, grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. I was the first one home and when I got there I went straight to my room. I took off my letter jacket and threw it in the closet, the varsity W on the chest mocked me, it was a symbol of what I'd been and reminded me of how diminished I'd become. I couldn't even cry anymore, I was just angry, angry at my body, angry at myself for making a big deal out of this mole hill, angry, angry, angry. In the end I just sat and stared out my window while I fumed. Ian let himself into the house, I hadn't locked the door behind me when I came in and I didn't know he was there until he opened my door. When he walked in, his hair was damp and he smelled of chlorine. "Hey, you weren't at practice," said Ian. "I quit," I replied. "Quit? But you love the water," said Ian. "Yeah, well, not anymore," I huffed. "What's this really about?" Ian demanded, a touch of anger in his voice. "Don't snap at me," I replied. "You know what? I am going to snap at you. I don't know what the problem is Benji, you say you love me but you keep pushing me away, now you want to quit a sport I know you love, so yes, I am pissed, I want to know what's going on, I'm tired of you blocking me out," said Ian. "You want to know, you really want to know?" I shot back. "Yes, tell me, I love you, let me help!" said Ian. I stood up and unbuttoned my shirt, then threw it on the floor; I hesitated for a moment but then pulled of my undershirt and let it drop from my hand. "There, get a good look," I snapped. "What are you showing me?" said Ian, he looked confused. "Look at my chest; it's going to look like that for the rest of my life!" "You mean your scar?" said Ian. "YES MY SCAR!" I exclaimed. "That's what this is all about!" said Ian. "You wouldn't understand, you're still perfect and beautiful," I sniffled. "Honey, come here," said Ian, softening his tone and opening his arms. I wanted to be mad at him but I couldn't, I let him put his arms around me and hold me tight. "It's so ugly," I whimpered against his shoulder. "Benji, it's not that big a deal, you were sick, you had an operation, so what?" said Ian. "I told you that you wouldn't understand, you're perfect." "I'm hardly perfect," said Ian, "everyone has imperfections, it's just life. Is this why you've been acting so weird?" "It was at first, I was so embarrassed by what happened to me, I thought it made me weak and that everyone would see how weak I was when they looked at my scar and knew that my own heart was out to get me," I whined. "Benji," Ian giggled, "you got an A in biology, I assumed that meant you knew how it worked." "What do you mean?" "You know that what happened to you had nothing to do with being weak, it's science, for whatever reason your artery clogged, you got an operation and sure you're recovering but you're fine now," said Ian, "there isn't anything weak about that." "Yeah but..." I mumbled, he was making perfect sense, but then, I knew I was being irrational. "So this is why you've been reluctant to have sex with me?" said Ian. "Well, not exactly, see, that first time, when we were kissing and you had your hand in my pants, my heart started racing and I could hear it just pounding away, it scared me," I explained. "Awww, Benji, that happens to me every time we kiss, it's because I love you and it's exciting," said Ian. "I know, I talked to Dr. Stanhope about it and he told me it was ok if we you know, um, got down," I giggled, "that's why I wanted you to come over after practice but then I was in the locker room and I was looking at everyone and I started feeling self-conscience about my scar." "I understand you can't control how you feel, but you do know that's silly, right?" said Ian. "Yeah, I guess I do," I admitted. "It's going to take time for you to get over that, it's only been a month, you're still getting used to it and it's still healing but don't for a minute think that you're any less beautiful to me," said Ian. "I know something that would go a long way towards reassuring me," I grinned and groped Ian through his jeans. "Is that what you really want?" he asked. "Uh huh, like I said, I was going to show you after practice, then I just had this stupid little tantrum," I blushed. "So you're ok now?" asked Ian. "Yeah, this is probably going to happen again but if you keep calling me on my shit, I'll be ok," I smiled, then groped him again, "now can I play with this?" Ian giggled and kissed me. I accepted his tongue in my mouth, then unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, he kicked off his shoes and shimmied out of his jeans. Ian performed the same procedure on me, then we stopped, just long enough for him to take off his shirt and for the two of us to get on my bed. This time I was the aggressor; I straddled Ian and went back to making out with him while he rubbed my butt. I slipped my hand between our bodies then moved it down so I could rub his package. I love Ian's dick, I love touching it and feeling it throb in my hand, it's such an intimate gesture, I know I'm the only person who has ever touched him there and to me, that's special. Our kissing grew more intense, I moved my hand and Ian used his to pull me into him, our crotches were grinding together and the building pressure felt good to both of us. I felt my heart rate rising, heard that thumping, but I ignored it, it was just background noise. I ran my fingers through Ian's short blond hair and kissed him hard, then broke free of his lips and kissed my way down his body. I licked every sculpted abdominal muscle and brushed my lips against the waistband of his Calvin Klein boxerbriefs. I ran my lips over his tent poll then nibbled on the head, I love teasing him like that. "Benji, please, take it out," Ian whined. It's so cute when he does that, his sex noises are adorable! "But this is fun, now I know why Libby likes chew toys so much," I giggled. "Benji, pretty please?" Ian laughed. I gave the head of his cock a gentle kiss, then obliged his pleading and took his underwear off. He tried to grab me and pull me into his arms but I dodged him and went straight for the prize. I sucked him into my mouth and got reacquainted with my hard little friend. I wrapped my lips tight around him, fluttered my tongue over the soft pink head, then took as much of his 7 inches into my mouth as I could. Ian panted and moaned and that just made me suck him harder. When he squealed out his orgasm, I licked up his juices, I'd been hungrier for his seed then I thought I was. Ian was flushed and panting, I kissed him and lay at his side. "I missed that," said Ian. "Me too," I giggled. "Uh, you don't think we're done yet, do you?" Ian grinned wickedly. "God, I hope not, I'm still hard as a rock," I replied. Ian pounced on me and practically ripped my underwear off. He attacked my dick with kisses around the base, then he swallowed my shaft. His beautiful blond head bobbed up and down on me and I knew I couldn't hold out for long. I used to be able to lay back and enjoy Ian's blow jobs but the intensity of his sucking and the fact I hadn't gotten off in weeks, pushed me over the edge. When I came, it surprised Ian and some of my spunk dribbled down his chin. "Come here," I giggled, then leaned towards Ian, licked up the mess and kissed his lips. We lay next to each other, holding each other and Ian stroked my scar. "It's not so bad you know, in fact, it's kind of special," said Ian. "Oh yeah?" "Sure, I mean, it's kind of a beautiful thing, the doctor cut you open, held your heart in his hands and made you better, this scar is kind of a reminder of what a miracle it is for me to be holding you right now," said Ian. "Tommy said kind of the same thing," I replied. "He's a smart kid, but I said it better, right?" Ian teased. "Yes, gorgeous, you said it better," I laughed and kissed him. "So we're ok now?" asked Ian. "We never weren't ok, I mean, I never felt any differently about you, I was just..." "Being dumb?" Ian grinned. "Yeah, I guess I was," I grinned back. We rested there, in each other's arms and I felt happy. I love Ian more than anything, I felt bad for how I'd neglected him but at least he understood, he knew me better than anyone. I would have laid there with him for the rest of the day but my mom's honking brought the real world crashing in. I grabbed a t-shirt and some track pants and laughed when Ian tripped while scrambling into his jeans. He smiled sheepishly, but then we raced downstairs. "Oh hi Ian, I didn't know you were here," said mom, when we came into the kitchen. "Hi Mrs. Keeler," said Ian, flashing a big smile, mom's a sucker for them too. "Are you staying for dinner sweetheart?" she asked. "Sure, that would be great," said Ian. "Good, then you can help Benji bring in the groceries," said mom. "But mom, my heart," I whined. "Nice try, if the doctor thinks you're well enough to go back to school, then you're well enough to unload the car, now get a move on," said mom, giving me a swat on the butt. "Well, looks like things are back to normal," Ian laughed, as we walked out to the garage. I stopped for a second and thought about what that meant. I've been through so much in the last month and just like that, everything seems to be falling back into place. I know I have a long road to go, I really need to get over this body image issue I've developed, but, I just had sex with Ian, if that wasn't a boost to my confidence, I don't know what is. I have my family, I have my boyfriend and thanks to some really skilled surgeons, I have my health. I should probably also be grateful for the pesky tooth that started this whole mess. Yes, things are getting back to normal and I never thought normal could feel so good. "Yeah, and I couldn't be happier," I smiled. THE END