I'll tell you this, it was a hell of a kiss.
In mere moments the make-out session was on and in a few more moments
it was an all-out grope-o-rama. I mean, my hand was up the back of
his shirt and his hand was on my nipple, softly twisting and teasing
it. I quickly followed suit and moments later I was on my back, Brian's
tongue buried somewhere between my tonsils and my belly button. I
had lost my shirt, as had Brian, and our bare chests were rubbing
together making an incredible friction. And I wrapped my legs around
him as he ground himself into me. I groaned into his mouth as never-
before sensations coursed through me and sensual input was totally
"What the fuck is this?" Matt's voice thundered out.
"Oh my god!"
Brian and I leapt off the sofa, Brian grabbing his shirt and heading
for the back door.
"Hold it!" Matt hollered, but Brian was powered by fear and was gone
before Matt could even head in his direction. I pulled my shirt over
my head angrily. Strangely I wasn't afraid of Matt anymore. Yes, he
probably could kick my ass, and might do it here and now, but I'll
leave a few marks.
You can count on that.
"What the fuck was that?" he demanded.
"You act like it's a mystery," I said calmly.
"I want an explanation," Matt growled.
"Ok, it was Brian and I, In the living room, with a batch of raging
hormones. Colonel Mustard, that's you," I pointed at him, "was watching
and rudely interrupted," I said calmly.
"This...this is very...strange," Matt said, his voice losing authority
and power as he trailed off, "are you a...I mean, did you like it?"
"Yeah, I never knew what a phenomenal kisser Brian was, and I want
to know some more," I replied, nerves starting to hum now that the
initial outburst had been deflected.
"Do you have to be so, I dunno, in your face about it?" he asked.
"I wasn't this much of a hassle when you got caught with Amy Ross
on the couch. The Old Man looked almost proud of you after that. My
son, the man," I snorted as I sat back down on the couch and turned
my back on Matt.
"Well, that was normal," Matt said and his mouth shut with a snap.
"Yeah, nice for good old normal Matt, Matthew the all-American. Matthew
the great reason to have a son. Oh, and here's Chad, the afterthought.
The mistake. And now I can add Queer to my list, isn't that neat?
My list is longer than yours is, it must count for something I guess,"
I trailed off.
"Chad...I guess I am just shocked, you never...I dunno, you never made
waves before. There was me, and then there was you. I dunno," Matt
said as he sat in the chair that matched the couch.
"Don't forget Sean, that sealed the deal. You know, in psychology
texts the middle child is the one that gets fucked," I remarked.
"Being first born is no prize either, you know, they make all their
mistakes with you," he snorted.
"Oh, I know, like the mistake of giving you a car for your sixteenth
birthday? Wow, that was a whopper of an error," I replied.
"Look, why are you punishing me for this? Why don't you talk to them
if you have such a problem?" Matt asked sourly.
"Because they don't give a God damn, that's why. And you made me fucking
miserable, all the shit you pulled, bullying me every God damned day.
Why in the world should I like you at all?" I finished, my voice quite
loud and I was on my feet, fist shaking at my sides.
"Maybe I haven't given you many reasons to, Chad," he sighed while
scratching his head distractedly, "but I'll give you one right now.
I won't tell anyone."
I considered what he was offering, a confidence, a chance to have
a relationship with him. Was it my obligation to take this deal, after
so much? Was I being a brat to not accept this deal, even though I
was rapidly beginning to think I didn't care who knew?
"I don't care what you do with the information Matt. If I take it,
you can just hold it over my head later, and I have no reason to trust
you," I lowered my face to his level, "not even one little bit." I
walked for the entrance to the stairs when Matt's voice called out.
"We ARE brothers, Chad, we should stick together," he called.
"Why? You never did before," I snorted as I went up the stairs. I
flopped on my bed and stared at the stucco ceiling, wondering why
life had to be so complicated.
I began to wonder where Thomas was at this point, and then I decided
I should call Brian and see if he was all right. As I was reaching
for the phone it rang in my hand, so I did the logical thing and answered
"Hi, um, is Chad there please?"
"Thomas? Is that you? Are you ok? Where are you?" I asked in a rush.
"Hey, Chad, slow down!" he laughed a little bit, "I'm a few hours
north, at my aunt's house. I am going to go to school here for a while.
I need some time to just chill, you know?"
"Yeah, I can understand that," I said as I relaxed onto my bed.
"I just feel all this pressure and all this anger in me, and I know
I need to deal with it and I just don't think I can do that there.
There are too many distractions, too much extra shit going on there.
I just can't deal right now," he said with a deep sigh.
"I guess I can understand that, it sucks though, that you're gone
just after we actually got to meet you," I said.
"I know that, and that's why I am calling you. I know I can trust
you, ya know? Guess what, Chad?"
"I came out to my mom last night, Chad," he said softly.
"You did? How did it go?" I asked.
"It went good, really good. We drove in her car and I told her all
about...well, everything. While we were driving that Mariah Carey song
was on the radio, `Hero', do you know it?" he asked.
"Yeah, I know it," I replied.
"I was thinking of you when it came on. You and Brian, Cyn, and poor
goofy Stan. You guys are my heroes, Chad."
"Shucks, ma'am, `twasn't nothing," I said in my best Texas drawl.
"Seriously, you saw me for something besides what everyone else did,
and I owe you," he said.
"No, you don't. I...saw you as an object, I know that now. I like you
more than I did before, you're more...I dunno, real I guess. I'm sorry
you had to go through that, Thomas."
"Hey, if I was smart I would have tried for you or Brian, but instead
I went for the rough trade, and look what it got me. Next time I'll
go for cute instead," he replied.
We hung up after I got a number where he would be staying, and then
it occurred to me that he had called me cute. I think.
I phoned Brian and the machine picked up.
"Hi, this is for Brian, it's Chad..." the line picked up.
"Chad? What happened?" he said worriedly.
"Not much, you ok?" I asked.
"I'm sorry I ran, but Jesus he scared me," Brian said, and it sounded
as if he were on the verge of tears.
"It's ok, Bri, seriously. I pretty well told him to do whatever the
fuck he wanted, he's an asshole anyways," I told him.
"But what if he tells your parents? Then they will tell mine!" Brian
"He said he wouldn't tell, not that I trust him, but I guess there
isn't much we can do about it, Bri," I sighed, "We'll just take it
as it comes, one thing at a time."
"Jesus!" He sighed a deep shuddering breath. "You have no idea how
much that scares me."
"I think I do, it's just that if I said ok to his deal, you know,
him not telling, then he'd just hold it over our heads. That would
be just as bad," I reasoned to him.
"I guess," he said glumly.
"The kiss was pretty damn awesome though," I sighed into the phone.
"Yeah, where did you learn to kiss like that?" he asked.
"From you, right then! Jesus Bri, you did all the work!" I laughed.
"Well, you were doing a few things, I didn't know you spoke foreign
languages!" he laughed back at me.
"Foreign languages?" I asked
"Yeah, Roamin' hands and rushin' fingers!" he giggled and I felt my
cheeks go red.
"You weren't exactly a slouch in the groping department, you know!"
"Well, it was fun, that's for sure. I just hope we don't end up paying
too much for the fun," he sighed deeply again.
"Hey, that was cheap at any cost, dude," I replied with as much reassurance
in my voice as I could manage. Truth be told, his talk was making
me nervous at this point.
"I know I'll remember it, you know," he hesitated.
"Well, that was my...um, my first kiss."
"Me too man, I guess we'll always have that, come what may," I sighed.
"Come what may," he sang softly in the phone and we both giggled.
"Moulin Rouge is so twenty minutes ago, Bri!"
"The music was good though!" he protested.
"Yeah, well, time to move on, stay up with the new stuff," I said.
"I better get going, thanks for calling, Chad," he replied.
"No problem. By the way, I just heard from Thomas," I said.
"You did? Where the heck is he?"
"At his aunt's house, I guess we won't see him for a while," I replied.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess that kind of shoots down your hopes a bit,
"Well, no, not really. Any hopes I had of that ended in the locker
room, I think. God knows he is still just cute as can be, but he just
isn't someone I can love right now, he isn't capable of giving any
love I don't think. He needs to fix himself first," I replied.
"Yeah, I guess I can see your point," Brian replied.
"Anyway, I better go see if there is any food in the fridge, I am
starving after being groped this afternoon," I grinned into the phone.
"Oh, get out of here!" he scoffed and we hung up.
I lay on my bed pondering about my day and listening to Sean downstairs
as he played video games, I only knew he was playing `cause he only
yells when he plays the game.
I thought on a great many things, I thought
about Thomas and hoped he would do OK. He could be nasty, but I wished
no ill will on him. I was a little surprised that Cyn hadn't called
yet, but then she was known for being flighty, to say the least.
I stayed upstairs until dinner time, and I could smell the chicken
frying. It was Matt's favorite, and I was not exactly surprised. We
ate a lot of fried chicken when Matt was here, always had, always
would. Can you give me a hallelujah? The prodigal son always elicited
that type of response from my parents: the preferred-son treatment,
if you want to call it that. I guess I should just get over it and
find my own place in the scheme of things. Surely that wasn't determined
by my parents!
"Chad! Dinner!" My Mom called out, and I stood dutifully and headed
downstairs to see how long Matt could hold his tongue, or if he had
already let it wag. I padded down the stairs with just anklets on
my feet, and headed to the downstairs bathroom to wash my hands.
"Why should he think we aren't fair to him? He has clothes on his
back and food in his stomach, no more than we gave you," I heard my
father saying and I froze inside the bathroom door.
"Well, I am just concerned that he feels like he isn't good enough
in your eyes, maybe it wouldn't hurt to show him some affection?"
Matt's voice drifted from the dining room.
"He's not exactly a touchy feely kid," my mother responded.
"Look, all I am saying is that he could probably use knowing you care
sometimes, that's all," Matt said softly, almost too softly for me
to make out.
"What the hell do you want from us? He gets everything he could need
to survive. He knows we are here, why the hell should he need all
this reassurance? You never did," my father replied sourly.
"He isn't me, dad," Matt replied.
"That's for sure," my mother commented.
"I don't believe this! I can't believe he was right!" Matt thundered.
"What the devil are you talking about?" my father thundered back.
"He thinks you guys don't care about him. He thinks you guys treat
me so much different, and I argued with him. I DEFENDED you and now
I see he was right! He's not full of shit, and now I feel worse than
ever for the way I treated him as a kid!" Matt almost wailed and I
began to feel distinctly uncomfortable.
"What? We don't treat him differently!" My mother said in a shocked
tone of voice.
"Oh yeah, Mom? What did you get me for my sixteenth birthday?" Matt
"Well, not that I see what the point in that is, but you got your
first car!" my dad fairly screamed in frustration.
"That's right, and does Chad even have his permit dad?" Matt asked.
"Well, actually, no," my father admitted. I moved back onto the stairs
so as to go back up, my appetite suddenly vanishing.
"And let's not forget that for his sixteenth birthday you guys forgot
he was born." I could hear a chair scrape on the floor, and I retreated
a few more steps to the top of the landing, tears welling in my eyes
as I was forcefully confronted with my parent's prejudice in favor
of my oldest brother.
"I didn't want to believe it, not my parents,
but Chad's just a kid and I think he has more going on in his head
than I did then, he might actually need you guys more than I did,
and you know what? I was blind to it and what's worse, he grew up
and I don't even know him. You should take the time, I think he's
a lot more complex than you realize.
"I'm going out for pizza," he said and I ducked back into my room,
shaking from the possible repercussions from my folks after this little
speech. No doubt they would just blame me instead of wondering if
there was any truth to it. I did have to admit that the vein of shock
in my wall of misery that was my brother sticking up for me. A small
knock came to my door and Matt entered without waiting for permission.
I looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, and saw him in a new light.
Maybe he really did want to be my brother after all.
"Come on, buddy, get your shoes on, we're going out," he said leaving
no doubt that I was to go with him.
"They are going to be pissed off," I mumbled, "Mom made your favorite."
"When they can remember that you have a favorite too, we'll come back,"
he said. I stepped into my shoes and followed him to the front door
where my mother stood, apparently in some form of shock.
"Matt, I made your favorite, please don't do this," she said, "you're
making a mountain out of a mole hill, and your time here is so short."
"You see this," Matt said as he pushed me in front of him, between
himself and my mom, "he's in tears, and do you have any idea why?
I think I'll take that little bit of time I have and get to know him,
I think that's worth a lot more than fried chicken, mom." And so saying,
he steered me out the door.
We walked down the walkway in silence as I sniffled in the night air,
Matt draping an arm around me, and I was strangely comforted by that,
too. Comforted because the dam burst, and before I knew it I was crying
in his arms, into his chest, like a little kid. I felt so stupid,
but it felt so good to let it out at last. When I began to dry up
he led me to his car, a beat-up old hatchback and we climbed in. It
turned slowly at first, then caught as it hadn't been run much since
he joined up.
"Ok, Shakey's sounds good?" he asked, and I merely nodded.
"Chad, I'm sorry," he said. Instinctively I knew this was a collective
apology for all the bullying and the punches and the things that weren't
even in his control, like my parents loving him more.
"Thanks, Matt, you didn't have to say all those things," I replied
"Of course I did, someone had to. And if they love me as much as you
think they do, maybe it'll open their eyes," he replied, "I just can't
believe I was so blind to it, Chad. I'm just stunned I didn't realize
what was going on all this time." He put the car in first and let
the clutch out, driving down the driveway, having backed in, as was
his custom the last time he parked the
"So, you want to pick up your boyfriend?" he asked.
"He's not my boyfriend," I said, my cheeks reddening.
"Just a fuck-buddy?" he asked while nudging me with his elbow.
"Why are you being so cool about this? You were freaked out this afternoon,"
"Well, I know a few guys in the fleet that are, well, you know, gay.
It's not like it's a foreign concept to me, I just never realized
that you were, or that you might be. I was surprised, OK? I thought
you'd be just like me, play football, bang the cheerleading squad,
maybe go to college cause you were smarter. That's all," he replied.
"He's not a fuck-buddy. Neither one of us has had sex," I said while
looking out the window, having made a serious breach in my masculinity
by admitting to my lack of a sex life.
"Looked like you guys were getting pretty close there on the couch,"
"Well, looks ain't deceiving, but I don't think we would have gotten
totally naked," I replied, "Why are you being so cool about this?"
"Because, I meant what I said, Chad. We're brothers, we should stick
together, and I figure I owe you for all that time I wasn't your brother,"
he looked at me while we sat at a stoplight, "I want to know you,
the real you."
Pizza was good, we sat and talked the whole
time. Well, not the whole time, I was still a little gun shy around
Matt no matter what had been said, but he was making this huge effort
and I felt I really had to try the best I could. Actually it felt
good to open up and have him interested in what was happening with
me. And in turn I asked about his life, and in no time we were talking
like we should have been a long time ago.
I was feeling a lot better about myself when I got up to go to the
bathroom. After washing my hands I went to push the door open, and
it moved almost effortlessly. Naturally, because someone was on the
other side pulling it open, and I nearly fell into this gorgeous creature...who
the hell was he?
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