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It was on rare occasions that I hated being right. A week earlier while speaking to Griff on the phone, I had predicted that the savage and I were on the verge of breaking up and it seemed that my prediction may very well come true. Although officially, we were still dating, the savage and I were far from being a couple.
It's true what they say -- distance makes the heart grow fonder. I was beginning to realize that the more distance, both emotional and physical, that the savage put between us, the fonder my heart was growing. Or, at least, the more needy.
I thought about him all the time. It got so bad that I could barely think of anything else, and knew that things would only get worse until I satisfied my need to taste him, touch him. I went to bed with a hard on each night and woke up with one each morning. It didn't help that I dreamt about him too.
I fantasized constantly about the things that he could do with me if I let him; the things he would do to me. And it never failed to get me painfully hard. But that's as far as anything went. The only time that I got to kiss and touch the savage was in my dreams.
It seemed that after out "talk" last week, he had decided not to take just a couple of steps back or slow down, but to run a mile away and come to a screeching halt. I didn't realize how much I liked him touching me at every opportunity -- holding my hand, nuzzling my neck -- until he wasn't doing it anymore.
The worst part was that everyone knew. It was almost more painful to see the looks of sympathy in everyone's eyes than it was to have the savage keeping his distance. I could practically hear what they were all thinking. That the savage had gotten bored with me and he had moved on while I was still pining. Just as I had always done.
What they didn't know was that I had probably driven him away. With my insecurity and fear and prudishness. Why would the savage put up with that when he could have anyone he wanted? And the person he seemed to want right now was Chris Brown.
I was trying really hard to maintain a farcical charade. I refused to admit that anything was wrong, even though everyone could see how much time and attention the savage was lavishing on Chris Brown. I was practically non-existent and there was no way that that could have escaped everyone's notice. There was definitely trouble in paradise.
Like me, Chris had always had a thing for the savage and most people had known it. But unlike me, Chris had always had a chance. Chris and the savage hooking up made sense. In the grand scheme of things, it was my relationship with the savage that was more implausible.
The sucky part was that I'd always thought Chris was an okay guy. I didn't have anything against him and I'd never had any reason to dislike him ... until now. Because it seemed that Chris was about to become another Paul.
Thinking of Paul caused me to subconsciously run my fingers over the knuckles of my right hand, giving my hand a small massage. My hand still gave me trouble sometimes when I used it strenuously and that was a constant reminder of the price I had paid to beat Paul's ass.
Just then something struck me in the shin, hard, causing me to scream, "Ow!"
I wasn't aware that I had made so much noise until I realized that the entire class had gone quiet and everyone, including, the teacher was staring at me. Suddenly, feeling embarrassed, my eyes shot to Griff who was sitting across from me and struggling not to laugh. I knew immediately that he had been the one to strike me in the shin.
"Yes Mr. McAllister?" the math teacher said, looking at me, "is there something you'd like to share with the class?"
"Um ..." I said, "no. S-sorry."
I shot Griff a mutinous glare, silently promising to get him back for this. The math teacher gave a huff and then turned back to the equations on the board. After a few more lingering curious stares, the class resumed and I turned to Griff whispering, "What the fuck did you kick me for? You almost got me in trouble."
"Sorry. How was I supposed to know you were gonna squeal like a little girl?" But he didn't look the least bit sorry.
My eyes slid into slits as I narrowed my gaze at him.
"Okay, okay," he said, laughing and holding up his palms in a conciliatory gesture, "I'm sorry."
I was still glaring at him as I reached under the desk to rub my tender shin.
"I was just trying to get your attention. You were totally spacing."
"I was just ... thinking," I muttered.
"I can probably guess who you were thinking about," Griff said mischievously.
I blushed at Griff's accurate guess. Over the course of the week, he, along with everyone else in school, had noticed the attention that the savage had been giving Chris Brown while ignoring me. It was so blatant that I had even seen them flirting a couple of times myself.
He'd invited Chris to sit at our table for lunch everyday of the week so far. I had tried not to let it bother me, but I was becoming worried that he'd lost interest in me and moved on. Having the other boy eat with us had made things really awkward, especially for me. I didn't know if the savage was trying to use Chris's presence to tell me something.
Our physical contact had shrunk to zero since that day at my house. I knew the savage was a highly sexed guy and I knew he wouldn't stay celibate for long, that is, if he wasn't already doing the nasty with someone else.
"Are you going to Chad Oman's pool party this weekend?" Griff's question cut through my thoughts.
"But you know the savage is probably gonna be there with Chris Brown, right?"
"Hence the reason I'm not going."
"But that's the precise reason you should go."
"So I can watch them make out all night?"
"Not if you're there to distract him."
"Griff ...," I gave a long suffering sigh, "he doesn't want me."
"Are you kidding? Have you seen the way he looks at you?"
"What are you talking about? He never looks at me anymore."
"I have it on good authority that the savage is only with Chris to make you jealous."
That bit of information was news to me and I didn't think it was true.
"And besides," Griff continued in a hushed whisper, "if you'd stop worrying about measuring up to his past fuck buddies and quit stalling then maybe the two of you wouldn't be in your current situation."
Was it true? Was that why I had been stalling? Because I was worried I wouldn't measure up to all the other guys he'd been with, including Paul?
I shot Griff a shocked look.
"If I can't even get him to touch me when we're alone, what makes you think he'd be willing to hook up at Chad Oman's pool party? Almost everyone will be there," I protested.
why it's perfect!" Griff exclaimed, "Everyone else there will be half naked and
hooking up in
I shook my head even as I considered his words.
"All you have to do," Griff continued excitedly, "is catch him in a dark corner and give him a little something, if you catch my meaning."
Oh, I caught his meaning all right.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" I asked.
I lowered my voice and glanced around before answering, "I don't know how to give head."
"There's nothing to it." Griff replied, "Just take his cock, put it in your mouth and suck it."
spoke as if he were instructing a small child. Of course it was a lot easier
said than done. But in my mind I wondered, could
I really blow the savage at
Yet there I was, thirty-six hours later, standing just outside Chad Oman's pool house, gathering my courage in preparation to go inside. I took a deep breath, willing my heart to stop pounding. It was hard because I knew that the savage was on the other side of that door, half naked and wet.
Deciding that no amount of time would make my task any easier, I quietly pushed open the door and slipped inside. The first thing I did was turn the lock to ensure we wouldn't be interrupted. Then I quickly took off my shorts and kicked them aside.
The savage had his back to the door and was searching through a pile of clothing on the floor, presumably for his own. He hadn't heard me enter and had no idea I was behind him. I heard him curse softly as he rifled through the clothing, looking for his own. A difficult undertaking in the dimly lit pool house.
I felt a sudden, inappropriate need to laugh. Before I could stop myself, a giggle escaped, alerting the savage that he was no longer alone. He spun around and saw someone standing nude in front of the door, effectively blocking his only escape route. I saw his eyes widen when he realized that that someone was me. Connor.
This was it. The savage and I were alone in the pool house. The door was locked and we were already both half undressed -- or in my case, fully undressed. The savage wasn't much better off because he was wearing nothing but his wet swim trunks, which molded and clung to his muscular thighs, leaving very little to the imagination.
According to Griff, everything from this point on should be easy. Again, I felt laughter bubbling in my chest. Swallowing down my nervousness, I tried to ignore the incredulous look the savage was giving me and took several steps forward, closing the distance between us.
For a minute I stood right in front of him, so close we were almost skin to skin. We were both wet from having been in the pool. With his glistening skin and slicked back hair, I thought the savage looked even better than ever. I wanted to reach out and run my hand down his muscular chest.
For a long moment, neither of us moved. Then, I pressed even closer to him and rose on my tiptoes, the movement capturing his thick cock between our bodies. The heat of him made my already stirring penis come alive. My insides heated and my balls tightened as I continued to look into his eyes.
I watched his pupils dilate and his nostrils flare as his breathing deepened. Those little indications told me he was not as unaffected by my nearness as he would like me to believe and that made me even more excited. Because of his height, I had to tip my head back just to see his face.
The savage was watching me, warily, as if trying to ascertain what I would do next. I had come this far and I had no intention of backing out. I was going to see this through. I felt the hardness in my crotch growing bigger and brushing against his thigh while his own erection bumped up against my abdomen.
I saw the savage glance towards the door as though he expected someone to burst through any minute.
“Don’t worry,” I said, “Most of the kids outside are hooking up in the pool. No one’s going to come in here.” And to ensure that, I had locked the door behind me when I followed him inside the pool house.
“Look, I don’t think this is—” the savage began, but abruptly stopped what he was saying when I brought my other hand around to touch his back, running my palm first up and then down until it cupped his firm ass cheek. I had never been so bold with him before and I could tell that my forwardness surprised him.
Deciding to use that to my advantage, I took my daring a step further and squeezed his butt, marveling at its firmness, then I pulled his hips forward to grind against mine.
“Connor, we can’t—” the savage began again before I cut him off.
My mouth found his and I brushed my tongue against his bottom lip. I kissed him with as much expertise as I had, which wasn’t much, but it didn’t matter. I allowed my innate skill to emerge and take over the kiss. I forced my tongue past his lips and sucked.
I still had one hand resting against his chest and I allowed my thumb to brush against his nipple until I felt it stiffen under my touch. I felt the savage tense in my arms, but he didn’t pull away. I took that to mean that he accepted what I was doing. That made me confident enough to nip his bottom lip.
I heard him suck in a breath, and bite back a smile. Although I was new at being the initiator, I reveled in my ability to make the savage lose some of his constant cool. I brought both of my hands to rest at his waist, lightly holding him in place.
I rubbed my tongue against him, and he opened his mouth a little more to provide me with better access to the warm recesses. I rocked my hips forward feeling the thick ridge of the savage’s erection against my belly. I thrust my tongue back and forth inside his mouth, tasting, stroking, exploring.
Suddenly, his I felt his arms come up and encircled me, pulling my body flush against his, shoulders to thighs. His cock pressed up against my bare belly, scorching me. My mind went blank; it felt so good, better than good. I never wanted it to stop.
“We’ve got to stop,” the savage choked out.
“No,” I said against his lips and continued kissing him.
Without thinking, I reached down and began tugging on his swim trunks. Immediately, he froze and I realized what I was doing. Neither of us moved for a moment, then the mood began to fade and uncertainty started to set in. I felt heat begin to creep up my neck and flood my face.
I was about to step away and begin apologizing when I remembered Griff’s words. Much of the trouble between the savage and I had been caused by miscommunication. If the savage didn’t want me or didn’t like the way I touched him then he would have to say so, because I had vowed that I was no longer going to try and guess what he was thinking and jump to incorrect conclusions. So instead I held on to his middle and waited for him to say something.
After a moment, he spoke.
“I’m sorry,” he began, clearing his throat.
“Why? Because you were enjoying what we were doing? Because you wanted to do more?”
“You asked me not to touch you,” he responded without looking at me.
My mouth fell open. Is that what he thought? How had he misinterpreted my words so badly?
Instead of asking him, I decided I would show him just how much I liked being with him. I would show him in such a way that it would be impossible to misunderstand. Without pause I dropped to my knees in front of him. I cupped my hands behind his legs just above his knees. Then I slid my palms up the back of his thighs and ass to grasp his hips.
I feathered eager but unschooled kisses all over his lower abdomen until I reached the edge of his shorts. I touched his hard on through the soft material of his swim trunks, palming the hardness and squeezing periodically. After doing this for some time, I gathered my courage and curled my fingers into the waistband of his shorts, tugging downward.
Above me, I heard the savage’s breath catch. But I wasn’t paying him any attention. I was focusing all my concentration on the task I was about to perform. This was it; I had to use all of my virtually nonexistent skill to bring him pleasure. Because I wanted to please him, I wanted to make him feel as good as he made me feel each time he touched me.
I pushed his shorts down to his feet and his penis sprang free. It throbbed before my face, thick and hot and heavy. The sight of him so big and so hard, caused me a moment’s uncertainty; could I really do this? Yes. I wanted to—needed to. I wrapped the fingers of one hand around the base of his penis to hold him in place and leaned forward.
My tongue darted out to taste him, placing one small, shy lick at the tip, before circling the mushroom head. His skin was slightly salty, incredibly smooth and scorching hot. I had an overwhelming urge to take his entire length in my mouth. I opened my mouth wider and drew him in a couple of inches.
I used my other hand to knead the firm flesh of his ass cheek. Above me I heard a groan escape the savage’s throat at the dual stimulation. This emboldened me and I released his butt to grasp between his legs until I found the heavy sac laying there. I heard another groan, this time accompanied with a rumbling sound.
“Do you like that?” I couldn’t resist asking him.
When he didn’t answer my question, I looked up and saw that his eyes were shut and his head was tipped back. There was a look of absolute bliss on his face. I felt a surge of satisfaction knowing that I was responsible for his obvious pleasure.
With his penis resting on my tongue I could feel the veins running along his swollen member. I drew my cheeks in, clamping the insides of my mouth around him as though I were sucking a lollipop. I felt the savage’s hands in my hair, cupping the back of my head and holding me in place.
I was awkward at first. I wasn’t sure how much of him to take, how fast or hard to suck, but I let the encouraging sounds coming from the back of the savage’s throat guide me and soon I had fallen into a comfortable rhythm. Before I knew it I was sucking in earnest. I was taking so much of him that my nose nearly brushed his pubic hair, his musky, masculine scent filling my nostrils.
I was enjoying what I was doing so much that I soon got carried away and started sucking with all my might. It was like I was trying to draw his orgasm out of him. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice was telling me to temper my movements, but I was too absorbed in the task at hand to pay attention.
With a guttural sound, the savage’s fingers fisted in my hair, pulling me away from his cock. I gave a small whimper as his hardness slid out of my mouth with a “pop” sound. I glanced at the big appendage in front of me that was glistening with moisture from my sucking and tried to figure out why he’d stopped me.
“Don’t,” the savage gasped out, taking a half step back.
“Oh God, did I hurt you? I’m sorry, I’ve never done—,” my voice faded as the savage took another step back from me, standing silent and rigid, hands fisted, eyes sliding shut as if he couldn’t stand looking at me.
I was grateful for the relative darkness of the pool house because I felt my face flame. There was no doubt in my mind that my inexperience was the reason the savage had stopped. I wasn’t very good at oral sex because this was my first attempt. I had done the best I could. Obviously, my best wasn’t very good.
I was so embarrassed. There was no way I could remain kneeling on the pool house floor with the savage naked in front of me, but unable to even bring himself to look at me. Swiftly, I stood up, spinning around and heading from the door. I stubbed my toe on something hard, but didn’t stop to see what it was in my haste to get away.
I searched blindly for where I had dropped my swim trunks when I had followed him into the pool house. I located them in a wet heap near the door. I kept my back to the savage, shoulders hunched, as I hurried to pull my shorts on. Once I had them on, I managed to find the door to the tiny bathroom.
I went inside, locking the door behind me and sat down on the toilet with the lid down. I wanted to stay in the bathroom forever. I never wanted to see the savage again. I’d never felt more humiliated. I could still see the look on his face when he had pulled me off his penis. It had looked as though he was in pain. I had clearly been sucking on him too hard.
I waited in the dark little bathroom, listening for sounds from the other room. I couldn’t hear anything, so I sat in the bathroom for a long time. I wanted to make sure the savage was gone when I stepped out. Then I would find the rest of my clothes and slip out of the party.
Finally, after what felt like forever, I took a deep breath and unlocked the door. I stuck my head out and scanned the rest of the pool house. It was empty. I made my way over to the door and walked out into the cool, clear night. I could hear sounds of laughter and fun coming from the direction of the pool, so I headed the opposite way. I needed to be alone.
I went into the main house and gathered the rest of my clothes. I pulled them on in a haphazard manner. When I was finished, I debated looking for Griff to let him know that I was leaving, but in the end I decided against it. There was no doubt that he was with Jake, and I didn’t want to interrupt the two of them. Besides, when he was ready to go, he could call my cell phone, and I would let him know that I had already gone home.
The next morning Griff showed up before I was even out of bed. Of course that could have been due to the fact that I had had trouble getting to sleep. I’d spent most of the night thinking, and had only managed to fall asleep after 4 a.m.
I wasn’t too happy to be woken up at eight o’clock after only four hours of sleep, but Griff had come with two steaming cups of delicious coffee and a dozen donuts, which he held under my nose. Even though I had resisted getting out of bed, I was soon seduced by the scent of hot roasted java and sweet pastries.
As soon as we were seated in the kitchen, Griff began questioning me. Since I had taken a few sips of caffeine, I was feeling a little more alert. I didn’t really want to talk about the night before, but I knew that Griff wouldn’t rest until he had the answers he wanted from me.
“So, did you do it?” Griff asked.
“Do what?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Suck his dick,” Griff replied with great aplomb.
Having not been expecting him to say that, I choked on the bite of donut I had just taken and sputtered. I took a big gulp of coffee to help wash it down, scalding my tongue in the process. Across from me, Griff sat laughing at me, completely unsympathetic to my situation.
When I finally had my coughing under control, I managed to say, “I tried to … I started to.”
“You started to? What the fuck does that mean?”
My face felt like flame and I let my gaze fall to the table before I answered, “It means that I started sucking it and then he made me stop because I don’t think I was doing it right.”
I didn’t look up, but I could feel Griff’s eyes on me.
“If you put it in your mouth and sucked it then you were doing it right,” he finally said. I could hear the indignation in his voice, and was warmed that he was offended on my behalf.
“Okay, start at the beginning and tell me everything that happened,” he instructed.
“Well, I got on my knees in front of him and pulled down his shorts. Then I, you know, started licking and sucking it. Then he grabbed my head with both hands. I thought he was enjoying what I was doing, but then I tried to take as much of him as I could down my throat and suck really hard and that was when he stopped me.”
I took a sip of my coffee when I was done explaining, chancing a glance at Griff’s face. My throat had gone slightly dry just thinking about the size, the flavor of the savage’s cock, the scent of him.
“Anyway, that’s when he pulled me away from him and said ‘Don’t’. I realized I’d hurt him because I had been … I’d been sucking so hard. I thought that was how I was supposed to do it. I’ve never had anyone’s cock in my mouth before.”
Griff looked like he wanted to interrupt so I rushed on, “Up until that moment, I honestly thought he was enjoying it. But then he made me stop and he wouldn’t look at me …” I ended on a shrug.
“Then I ran and hid in the bathroom. I made myself look even more of a fool.”
Griff looked like he had no idea what to say. It was obvious he hadn’t considered anything like this happening when he had first encouraged me to do what I had done. I didn’t blame him. I mean, who could have predicted an outcome like that?
Just then his cell phone started ringing. Griff retrieved his phone from the front pocket of his jeans, checking the flip screen for caller ID.
“Hold on a sec. It’s Jake,” he said, flipping it open.
He pushed a button and spoke into the phone.
I couldn’t hear what Jake was saying, but I could surmise what his questions were from Griff’s answers.
“I’m at Connor’s house … I was going to come over as soon as I was done here … No! Don’t get dressed, I’ll be right over.”
I chuckled at that last statement, but as I watched, a frown came over Griff’s face at something Jake was saying. He listened as Jake spoke, occasionally uttering, “uh-huh, uh-huh.”
After a few moments, he covered the mouthpiece of his phone with his hand and turned to me, saying, “Jake says the savage didn’t come home last night.”
My mind was immediately filled with all sorts of unpleasant thoughts as I imagined where the savage might have spent the night. And who with.
Griff went back to listening to whatever Jake was saying, but I was no longer paying attention. I was consumed with thoughts of the savage spending the night with someone else after he had rejected me. I felt an unexpected and intense wave of pain.
The savage had pushed me away last night when I had tried to touch him, and then he had gone and fucked someone else. Obviously, it wasn’t a lack of arousal that had caused him to reject me. Was I really so horrible that anyone else was preferable to me?
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t hear Griff hang up.
“I have to go,” Griff said, snapping me out of my bleak imaginings. “Jake is waiting for me and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”
There was a wicked glint in his eyes as he spoke that I couldn’t help but notice. Of course he was eager to go see his boyfriend, who was currently naked and in bed, waiting for him to arrive. I shot Griff a glance that said I was well aware that he was making excuses to escape. He had, in essence, gotten me into this mess and I was fully expecting him to get me out of it.
“I’ll think about your situation – talk it over with Jake – and get back to you,” Griff spoke as he stood up. I watched as he scarfed down the rest of the donut he was holding and grabbed his coffee, heading for the backdoor.
Again I wasn’t surprised that he had shared with Jake some of the details of my relationship with the savage. I didn’t really mind either; maybe Jake could offer some interesting insight.
“I’ll call you tonight,” he said, pausing with the door open, but I just waved him off.
The minute Griff disappeared, my mind returned to the savage and his mysterious whereabouts last night. I couldn’t deny that it hurt, a lot, that he had turned down my offer of a blow job only to go find someone else to finish what I had started. My ego was taking a beating. Had I really done such a bad job?
Sighing, I shut the lid on the donut box and put the remaining ones in the fridge. It was still too early to be up and I was going back to bed. I had just reached the stairs when a thought popped into my head. Turning, I headed towards the den. I grabbed the cordless phone from its cradle and, before I could think the better of it, I dialed the savage’s cell phone number.
After two rings someone picked up.
“Hello?” I couldn’t identify the voice of the person speaking.
“Uh, hi,” I stammered, “who is this?”
They hesitated a brief moment before answering, “It’s Chris. Who’s this?”
At the mention of the name Chris, I tensed. My worst fears had just been confirmed. The savage had spent the night with Chris Brown. Why else would Chris have his phone? I didn’t – couldn’t – respond to his question, and I just hung up.
For a long minute, I stood rooted in place, not sure what to do. Although, I’d had my suspicions, I had secretly hoped that I was wrong. I couldn’t believe that the savage had actually fucked Chris Brown.
Suddenly feeling very tired, I replaced the phone and started heading for my room. I needed to lie down. In my current state, I felt like I could sleep for a month. I had almost reached the stairs when I heard the doorbell ring.
Since I wasn’t expecting anyone today, I assumed that Griff had come back. I wondered why he would be ringing the bell when he usually just came in through the backdoor. I considered ignoring him, but decided against it in case it was someone else. Like a salesman or an evangelist.
I yanked open the door, but it wasn’t Griff standing in front of me. It was the savage. My reaction was instantaneous. I felt my cock jerk against the cotton boxers under my too-tight jeans. My mouth immediately went dry. Even early in the morning he looked good enough to eat.
I knew that I should say something, but my brain had short-circuited and I couldn’t come up with anything, so I just stood there staring like and imbecile. Finally the savage spoke up.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
I thought about refusing, but knew that I couldn’t do that, so instead I just stepped aside to allow him entry.
“You’re a tease, you know that?” He didn’t even wait for me to close the door before he growled the accusation.
Something in his voice had me taking a cautious step back, “What do you mean?”
“Last night. Taking my cock in your mouth and then running away.”
Abruptly, I froze.
“You’re the one who told me to stop. You pushed me away,” I said.
Instead of responding to my statement he asked, “Why did you run away?”
I kept quiet for a moment, debating whether or not I should tell him the truth. Then I decided that, at this point, I really had nothing to lose.
“I was embarrassed. I thought you didn’t like it because I was … so forceful. I thought I hurt you. You were standing there and you wouldn’t even look at me, what else was I supposed to think?”
“Maybe that I was less than two seconds away from coming and I didn’t think you would appreciate me shooting my load down your throat without any warning,” he paused and took a step towards me, “seeing you kneeling there in front of me, taking my cock, was … incredible. I almost came from that alone.”
I almost couldn’t believe I had heard him right. Before I could guess his intention, he pushed me up against the wall, pressing his body to mine to hold me in place.
“Is this what you want?” he asked rubbing his hips against my own.
I couldn’t speak; that was exactly what I wanted.
Without waiting for my response, the savage lowered his head and began kissing me. It was the most intense kiss we had ever shared. In fact, it was more than a kiss. I could feel all of the hunger, the desire, the passion that was contained within it.
The kiss was long and wet and it left my lips feeling bruised. It took a moment for my senses to return then I remembered that we were standing in the hallway and I worried at getting caught until I realized that we had the entire house to ourselves. My parents were out of town and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.
The whole place was quiet; the only sounds that could be heard were of us breathing. He pressed me tight to the bulge growing in his trousers and we continued to kiss, taking our time. I was just starting to relax when the savage broke the kiss and lowered his lips to a spot just below my ear.
I shivered at the contact, then I heard him whisper, “Turn around and face the wall.”
My whole body froze and my eyes popped open. I found the savage staring at me intently, his eyes gazing into my own. He was waiting to see if I would do what he said. Or if I would chicken out.
I swallowed hard and let my eyes fall to the floor. Then I took in a fortifying breath and slowly turned to face the wall.