Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2005 19:51:51 -0500 From: Jeff Wilson Subject: W.A.R. Part 6, Chapter 13 W.A.R. Part Six - Commencement Chapter Thirteen -- Dustin the Liar by Jeff Wilson There was no big party the day Brett turned eighteen. Now, the Friday after he turned eighteen on the other hand... Well, I guess his mom knew that Brett really needed to see his friends. We even convinced him to shave for the big day. Brett had almost a full beard after not touching a razor for a month. No matter what I did he was determined to look like a bum. I noticed during the party that Dustin wasn't being his usual self. He wasn't smiling too much and hardly talked to anybody. He hadn't been so anti-social in a long time. I tried to talk with him, but I kept getting distracted and by the time things were getting less hectic, I found out from Bobby that he'd left. I tracked down Emily. "Hey Em!" I said when I found her by the snacks. "What's the deal with Dustin?" Emily scowled and grumbled, "That's what I'd like to know." I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her aside to a more private area of the house. "Are you guys okay?" I asked. "Billy... You've known me longer than anybody. And, I know you're gay, but... Is there something wrong with me?" She asked, holding back tears as she spoke. "Em, why would you think something is wrong with you?" Emily dabbed her eyes with a tissue. "Oh ... I just don't understand why he won't talk to me. "You know that he has problems, Em." "I know his dad abused him, Billy. I knew that going into the relationship. But he never talks to me anymore. And not just about that. I mean about anything. Some days he's so happy and funny, other days he's so bitter... He refuses to talk about it. I love him, but how can our relationship grow if he never tries." "You can't blame him for what happened to him." I said. "Billy... What did happen to him?" She asked. "You know I can't tell you. Not if he won't tell you first." "He was molested, wasn't he?" She asked. "Why would you ask that?" I said, trying to keep my voice from giving me away. "Well it would explain a lot." She said. "He certainly acts like a boy who was molested. Did you know that I've never seen him without a shirt on?" "I don't see how that's unusual." I said. "Some people are uncomfortable with their bodies." I was feeling pretty uncomfortable myself. "We've been together for a year and we've kissed like four times." "Well... Maybe he's not a touchy-feely... But haven't you... You know... done it?" "No! I'm not that way, Billy! Neither is he. We've talked about it, sure. But he always says he doesn't want to end up like Joey. And I'd like to wait until marriage. Just because you and Brett are active doesn't mean everyone else is." I had to stay quiet, because if I said anything I'd surely call Dustin a no-good dirty liar. He had lied right to my face and said that he and Emily had done it. Hell, he even talked about how he kept the light off and stuff. All kinds of details... But why? "So tell me Billy, because I'm sure that you know the truth. Was Dustin molested?" "His dad beat him." I said, avoiding answering the question. "He used to punch him and kick him. That's why he went to jail, you know." Dr. Reilly found us. "Come on, you two. Brett wants to see you." I walked with Em to find Brett sitting on the couch with far more names on his cast than before. He was all smiles as he opened a few gifts that people brought him. I didn't give him a gift, since I was still looking for a new job and Brett told me that if I bought something for him he was going to beat me. All he asked was for me to sleep over with him on his birthday, which I did gladly. He was going stir crazy being stuck at home and he couldn't wait to be on crutches. He was becoming obsessed with being able to get out of the house. He only had a week longer to wait. As the party was winding down, I got a chance to sit with him for a while. "Nice party, Brett." I said. "Don't tell me, I just sat here and watched mom get everything ready." Brett replied. Emily sat on the other side of Brett on the couch and put her arm around him. "So Brett, how long before you come back to school?" "I go back to the hospital next week to get worked on again. They're supposed to take all the rods and stuff out and I'll be able to go on crutches and a lighter cast. After about eight weeks of that, I'll get a walking cast and a brace for my knee. I guess I'll be on crutches most of the summer while everything heals up. I really mangled it good." "We miss you." Emily said as she put her head on his shoulder. "You make everyone laugh. Plus you keep Billy from stressing out." "I'm not stressing out." I said. "Billy, you're so uptight... I keep waiting for you to snap on a lunch lady who doesn't give you the right change or something." She said. "Well, she should have... I mean... Well, you don't know what's going on! Why don't you mind your own business, Emily?" I replied. She couldn't possibly know what kind of pressure I was under. And that lunch lady deserved it. "So..." Brett said. "Why'd Dustin duck out of here so quick?" "Brett..." Emily said. "You're a smart guy. Surely you can tell me if Dustin..." "No he can't!" I said, cutting her off. I wasn't going to let her talk Brett into getting himself into trouble with Dustin again. "I don't know what's going on with him." Brett said. "All I know is that I spent three years trying to fight him. I always thought he was an asshole." "Brett!" I exclaimed. "I did! But I guess as I got to know him, I started to forgive him, but he's still a dickhead sometimes." "Well, I just wish he would tell me what's wrong." "Good luck, there, Em." Brett said. "If Dustin is anything, he's good at keeping secrets. Too good." "See! You know something!" Emily said. "No he doesn't." I replied. Actually, I was wondering myself if ol' Dusty was feeling okay. He could swing so suddenly from one extreme to the other. I'd watched him go from happy and laughing to crying his eyes out. I'd watched him go from hugging me to choking me. I was really worried about him. "So, tell me how you're enjoying the coin collection." I said, changing the subject away from hard topics. I sat up most of the night. I thought about calling Dustin, but I never did. I didn't want to get into a fight over the phone. Why had he lied to me? It wasn't like I cared if he and Emily had done it. It wasn't any of my business, really. But the fact that he lied to my face, that bothered me a lot. The next morning, I did call him. He seemed in a better mood and I invited him to stay overnight at my place. But Dustin wanted me to stay at his house. So I agreed to meet at his place later that day. The warm March weather was too nice to stay inside, so I went over early and we went down to the park to hit some baseballs. Funny, I was older now, but I couldn't hit the ball as hard as I used to. I guess because I wasn't so angry anymore. I used to get so mad when I played baseball. We ran into some of our classmates who were going to play some tackle football and we ended up playing with them for a while. After catching a touchdown pass and throwing one, it started to get too dark and we headed to Dustin's house. It was a lot of fun to play sports again. I never realized how much I missed it. After I broke my hand, I had been kind of afraid of getting hurt. But it was fun to run around and get dirty and get knocked around a little. When we got back to Dustin's house, I showered and then we watched a little television. We ate dinner and then played cards for a while until Dustin got tired of losing and then we played some video games on his computer. I asked to check my email, and Dustin allowed me to get onto the internet. Dustin wanted a drink and offered me one. "You got any Coke?" I asked. "Sure. I'll bring you a bottle." Dustin said. As soon as Dustin left the room I hit the history button on his computer. Empty... He'd erased everything he'd been to. I checked the temporary internet files, but he'd cleaned those out too. "Like I've never done that when I knew mom was going to be snooping." I said to myself. I still didn't like it though. How could I help him if I didn't know what I was dealing with? I checked my email, then played around on the internet for a while. I was about to go see what Dustin was up to, but then I figured I'd check out a site for coin collecting that Brett had found. When I typed in the first few letters a little list of addresses popped up under the address box. "Well, well, well..." I said. Seemed that Dustin had been visiting some sites rather regularly. I clicked on one of the addresses in the box. "The goriest site on the internet? What kind of stupid site is this?" "We only had Diet Coke so I brought you a Pep... How did you find that?" "It popped up when I tried to get on a website I was going to check out." I said. "So is this still what you do on your spare time?" "So what?" Dustin asked angrily "Dustin, this stuff is sick. Normal people shouldn't be looking at this shit, let alone you." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Well, you're obviously defensive about it. Last time I found this stuff you said you were going to stop." "You need to mind your own business, Billy." "You tried to choke me to death last time so I'd say it is my business, Dustin!" Dustin breathed very slowly, like I usually did when I was trying to control my temper. "I'm not doing anything illegal." "I'm not saying it's illegal. I'm saying it's not good for you!" "What the fuck do you know about what's good for me? Huh? What fucking makes you think you have a goddamn clue about my fucking life? If I want to look at a goddamn website it's my own fucking business!" Dustin shouted. "Settle down, Dust..." "Fuck you! I'll settle down when I fucking feel like it! I didn't ask for your opinion of what's right and wrong in my life, okay? If I want to see something on my fucking computer, I'll fucking look at it! If I want to do something, I'm going to fucking do it!" "You want to look at a guy with a bullet hole in his head? That's healthy! Oh, look at this, leprosy! Let's look at a guy with three fingers missing! That won't fuck with my head! Where's the aborted babies? Oh, here they are! What other healthy activities can I find?" I turned to the computer to find some more, and that's when he cracked me in the back of the head with the pop bottle he'd brought up for me. "I told you to shut your goddamn mouth, you motherfucker!" Dustin roared. I was seeing stars. I turned around to see Dustin's face was redder than his hair. "You're a fucking psycho." I said, feeling the throbbing getting worse on the back of my head. Dustin reacted as if I'd slapped him. "I'm not a psycho, Billy!" He said in a low voice. "Do you like looking at this shit?" I asked. "A little." Dustin said. "Well, you can have it. But I'm not going to let you get away with it. I've had it. I've got a splitting headache now. If you'd have had something harder in your hand I might be dead right now." "I'm not a psycho, Billy." Dustin said. "What are you then, Dustin?" "I'm manic-depressive..." "You're... You're what?" I said. "I'm bi-fucking-polar. Manic-depressive. I've got a brain disorder, okay! You happy now? My fucking brain is fucked up!" "Dustin, I..." "What? What do you want to say? You still want to call me a fucking psycho, asshole?" "I'm sorry. I guess it does explain a lot..." "The hell it explains shit! My dad had it too. He fucking tried to use it to get off when he went to trial. Some people get money from their parents, I got a fucked up brain." "How long have you known?" I asked. "Since I went to that school two years ago." Dustin explained. "I used to wonder why I could be so giddy sometimes that I couldn't stop myself from doing things that I knew were stupid. And then it just kept going and going and then, snap. I'd be so miserable I wanted to die. Like when I stole Mike's car. I felt like I was fucking Superman or something. And then, it just kept going and going and I couldn't stop it. You don't know what it's like to not have any say over what your mind is doing unless you've got a fucking drug in you. It sucks ass." "Why didn't you tell me?" "Why didn't you tell me you were gay?" Dustin replied. "Why did you lie about Emily?" I asked. "What lie?" "About you and her having sex." "What are you talking about?" Dustin asked angrily. "Emily says you've never done it and I believe her. Why did you lie to me?" "Because it's what you wanted to hear." Dustin replied. "Come on, Billy! I like Emily, but not that way. For being so smart you sure are stupid sometimes. You'd start about how you and Brett are so happy and in love and shit. Well, I figured I'd just tell you that I was too." "But you were so detailed. About not letting her see your dick and stuff." "I made that up. You always have been pretty gullible. You just believed everything I said. Of course, she really hasn't seen my dick, so it wasn't that big of a lie." "I can't believe you." "You act like you never lied to anyone before. Come on Billy, your whole life was a lie for four years." "That was different, Dustin. I didn't lie to lie. I had to protect myself." "So did I, Billy!" "So what else have you been lying about?" I asked. "I mean, you haven't been boning Emily. You haven't quit looking at crap on the internet. You used to blame Amanda when your dad was beating you up. You've been hiding a mental problem for two years. You even lied to Mike about having sex with Emily!" Dustin's eyes widened and I realized that I may have accidentally stumbled onto something. "Don't tell me you're..." "It's only every once in a while." Dustin admitted. "You're still having sex with Mike?" I asked. "We weren't for a while!" Dustin replied. "But then, after I realized that Emily wasn't going to... I mean, it was stupid to have someone who was willing and to not do it. It's just fucking, Billy. Hell, at least I can do it without getting sick now." "But you have a girlfriend! And Mike's ten years older than you!" "So what? I'll be eighteen in two weeks. You're three months older than Brett." I sputtered. "You... You can't compare what you're doing with what we're doing!" "Why not?" "Because... Because you don't love him!" I said. "He's willing to open up his hole, I'm willing to put my dick in it. What's love got to do with that? Sex is sex. You get to fuck any time you want! Well I just wanted to have some fun for once in my life!" "So what are you? Gay?" I asked. "No! I'm just taking advantage of a situation. Free sex. You'd do it if you were me. Emily's not going to do it, so I might as well get some." "First of all, I wouldn't do it if I were you. Second, not only are you not having sex with Emily, you're cheating on her too!" "I would only be cheating on her if I was doing it with a girl! Mike doesn't count!" "I give up! You're unbelievable, Dustin. So why did you stop taking your medicine a while back then? I thought it was so that you could have sex with Emily?" "I just told you that it was Emily instead of Mike that I was fucking because I knew that if I told you it was Mike you'd react just like you are. I really did used to get sick when I was doing it. I'm a lot better now." Dustin sat down on his bed and faced me. His hair had grown out a bit and was just beginning to curl. It actually gave him a certain innocent look about him. But he was far from being as innocent as he looked. "Billy, I'm sorry I hit you. I didn't mean to. I know you're only looking out for me, but I've got to live my life the way I want to live it." "Do you use protection?" I asked. "Do you?" Dustin replied. "Different situation! Brett's not out fucking other people. Neither am I. But how much do you know about Mike? You think he's never done it with anybody else? He's on the internet a lot. What's stopping him from getting on chatrooms and going out and fucking anybody he wants?" "What's stopping you and Brett from doing it?" Dustin asked. "We love each other! That's the whole point! Mike doesn't love you, and you don't love him! Why shouldn't he go out and fuck anybody he wants?" "Because he's smarter than that! He wouldn't go out and get AIDS or something and then have sex with me!" "Yeah, and he was real smart to have sex with you when you were fourteen, too!" "That didn't stop my dad, did it?" Dustin snapped. "No. No I guess it didn't." I sighed. "You always talk about how much you and Brett love each other. But what would you do if you found out he had sex with somebody else?" "He wouldn't!" I replied. "But if he did, it would kill you wouldn't it?" Dustin asked. "Yeah." I replied. "That's stupid." Dustin said. "It's just sex. Dick goes in, dick goes out. What's the big deal? What's to stop you and me from doing it right now?" "Dustin! Brett and I are committed to each other. Hopefully forever! I would never do anything to hurt him." "So you would never do it with somebody else. What about kissing? Is that out too?" "Yes!" I said, exasperated. "Okay, well I've never kissed Mike, but I've had sex with him. Yet, I've never had sex with Em, but I've kissed her. So which one would I supposedly 'love' in your world?" Dustin made sure to make that stupid little quotation thing with his hands when he said 'love'. "I guess you'd love Mike more." I replied. "But I don't." Dustin said. "In fact, I would say that of everybody in town, the person I care the most about is you. And we've never done anything at all." I laughed. "You don't love me more than Emily." "Sure I do. If Emily broke up with me tomorrow, I really wouldn't care. But if you told me you were moving away, I'd cry all day. So really, it doesn't matter what you do with somebody, because it's how you feel on the inside that matters. You can have sex with somebody and it doesn't have to mean jack." "You're just wrong, Dustin. It's supposed to mean that you care so much about somebody that you're willing to give your partner everything." Dustin got up from the bed and knelt down next to me and typed into his computer. Soon, a video of a man and woman having sex started playing. Dustin turned to me. "Are these people giving everything to each other?" He asked. "No, they're getting paid to fuck." "Then where's the connection with love?" "I guess they love money enough to fuck a person in front of a camera." Dustin laughed. Then he clicked a button and the movie stopped. He turned toward me and propped his head on his hand and his elbow on the desk. "So you see, love is dumb. If you can love money more than a person, what's the point?" "You really are screwed up, Dusty." I replied. "Let me put it this way then, did you love your dad more than Brett?" My jaw dropped open. "How can you even ask something like that?" "You loved him so much, you were a waste for half a year when he died. I don't give a fuck about my dad. In fact, I hope he dies. I pray for the day when they tell me he kicked the bucket. I hope he shoots himself in the head and doesn't die right away, but bleeds nice and slow. But that's beside the point. What I mean is, if you don't have to have sex to love somebody, what's the point of sex then?" "There are different kinds of love, Dust. I love Brett in a different way than I loved my dad. And I love you in a different way too. I love Brett in a way that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him and hold him and make love to him forever. I love you in a way that makes me want to hang out with you and be your friend. But I don't want to have sex with you. I mean, you're cute and all and you're an awesome guy. But I wouldn't do that to Brett." "What if Brett wasn't around?" Dustin asked. "But he is." I replied. "Would you have sex with me if he broke up with you?" Dustin asked. "No, because you're my best friend, but you're not my boyfriend." "I'd do it with you." Dustin said. "I'll bet I'm even better than Brett is. I think you'd be dumb to pass up on a chance to get laid when you had somebody willing to do it with you." "I think I'd be even dumber to throw away everything I've got with Brett and with you to do something that stupid. My life may suck, but I've got a boyfriend who loves me to death and a friend who may be a little confused about things but is still an amazing person." "You're incredible, Billy. You would be the one person who I would have sex with and it would actually mean something besides fucking." Dustin got up from kneeling and to my surprise leaned close to me and kissed me fully on my lips. My surprise quickly gave way to feeling unbelievably warm inside. I lifted my hand to the back of Dustin's head and ran my fingers into the tangle of red above his neck. My heart racing in my chest, my mouth loosened and allowed Dustin to enter in to me.