Date: Sun, 13 Mar 2005 13:23:08 -0500 From: Jeff Wilson Subject: WAR Part 6, Chapter 18 W.A.R. Part Six - Commencement Chapter Eighteen -- Break by Jeff Wilson It was humiliating riding the bus after almost two years of either being picked-up by Brett or driving to school. The kids on the bus were nice and all, but still. I was a senior for Pete's sake. Seniors don't ride the bus! When the bus went past Brett's house, I could see that his car was still parked where he'd left it. I knew that he was going to get picked up by one of his other friends. We had talked for a few minutes on Sunday, long enough for him to tell me that he was going to get picked up and that I'd need to find another ride. He wouldn't talk about what happened on Friday. And to top it off my allergies were starting to hit me. When I got to homeroom, Brett was already there, talking with some of the guys. I couldn't believe he was acting as if nothing had happened! I was more miserable than ever, and he was joking and laughing with the guys like he was having the best day of his life. When he sat down at his desk, he finally acknowledged that I was there. "William." He said. "Anthony." I replied. Brett chuckled. No one ever called him by his first name. "Right... We need to talk, but not here." "Yeah." I said. "Lunchtime." He said. "Meet me outside Miss Winston's room." "Sure." I said. The time went by rather quickly since I had to catch up on all the work I'd missed on Friday. Most of the kids were abuzz about the upcoming prom. That was the last thing on my mind. That was all the way at the end of the month, and it was still only early April. It was just a stupid dance. It wasn't like I could go with the person I wanted to go with anyway. When lunch time came, I found Brett waiting for me outside Miss Winston's classroom. "We need to talk." Brett said. "I know." I said. "I asked Mrs. Cole to borrow the room." He said. I hated that he was getting along so well with Miss Winston's replacement. Traitor... We walked inside the room and Brett closed the door behind him. "Well, go ahead." I said. Brett sat on one of the desks. "Okay... I called my dad back on Saturday. He said he's sorry." "Good." I replied. "He said he didn't mean to upset you." "Well he did." I replied. "I know, but he..." "Don't start making excuses for him Brett. I'm sorry, but the guy's a jerk." "He's not a jerk." "He is too." "Billy, please. You don't know what it's like. I spent eighteen years watching how happy boys were. How fun it was to have a father. Someone to talk to when things were bad... I never had that." "Well I don't have it either!" "But you did! You had an awesome dad! I've had nobody! You don't know what it's like. I never got the chance in all my life until last week to even meet him." "But Brett, he's a homophobe. Come on... It's like expecting to meet someone great and meeting my mom." "But he's the only father I've got!" "You were better off without him!" I said. Brett didn't say anything, he just spun one of his crutches around. "I'm sorry." I said. "I know what it meant to you..." "No, no... You're right. Why should I be happy about finding my dad when he doesn't like that I'm gay. I mean, your dad was just so understanding and perfect. Why should I be happy with what I got?" "I don't mean that you don't have to be happy about finding your dad. But you don't have to pretend that he's something that he's not. I mean, Dustin doesn't pretend that his dad is..." "I don't give a fuck what Dustin does." Brett snapped. I quickly realized that I shouldn't have brought him up. "Sorry." I said. "Yeah, I'm sure you are." "I am sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your time with your dad." "Anyway... When I talked with him I asked him how he found out about us. He said he figured it out pretty quick. He didn't know you were going to fly off the handle when he ribbed you about it, he said. I guess he doesn't know you too well. I guess I kind of blew things out of proportion when I walked in there and heard you yelling at him." "You guess?" "I guess when you find somebody calling your father a rapist you might assume certain things. I'm sorry, okay? I jumped to conclusions. I thought you told him about us." "And?" "And what?" "What about Erie?" I asked. "You tell me. You want me to say I'm sorry for leaving you up there? I can't, because I'm not sorry." "But you just said..." "Okay, I apologize for calling you a bastard." "That's it? You left me two hundred miles from home!" I asked. "Are you sorry you lied to me about Dustin?" Brett asked. "I didn't lie! I told you what happened!" "You lied right to my face! You never said anything about jerking him off!" "I didn't jerk him off!" I said. "We just touched each other and maybe rubbed a little bit. But I didn't lie to you. I didn't have to tell you anything at all!" "So... Tell me exactly how you ended up with your hands down Dustin's pants." "They weren't 'down his pants' Brett. I'll tell you what happened. We were talking. I'd just found out some stuff about him that I wanted to talk about. We got on the subject of love and how I love you and how he loves Emily even if he's having sex with Mike and that he's..." "You mean he's still doing it with Mike?" Brett interrupted. "Yeah." I replied. "He's cheating on Emily?" "That's what we were talking about. He doesn't think it's cheating because Mike's a guy and Em's a girl. It's confusing. Anyway, we got on the subject of kissing. He said he'd never kissed Mike and..." "He did kiss Mike." Brett interrupted again. "You said that they kissed after they fucked that one time." "That's different." I explained. "That's part of sex. I meant like just sitting and kissing somebody without it being a part of sex. But then he still wasn't convinced and then he kissed me to prove that you could kiss and not love somebody." "But he does love you. He always has. You don't think he'd rather be fucking you than Mike?" "But I don't want to have sex with him, Brett. He doesn't have a shot with me. He's my friend! Look we've both known for quite a while that he's bi. I feel sorry for him if anything. He's so screwed up because of his dad." "How did you end up jerking each other off?" "We didn't jerk each other off!!" I explained. "He started kissing me. I didn't expect it. We ended up using our tongues." Brett scowled when I said that. I knew he didn't like the idea of somebody else tongue kissing me. "Well, that made me hard. Dustin noticed and put his hand on me. Well, I decided to feel his too." "And was he hard too?" "Yeah. And so we kissed and rubbed for a few more minutes or so." Brett just sat there and started spinning his crutch again. "That was all that happened. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I thought you'd get mad." The crutch kept spinning. "It didn't mean anything. It just went a little too far. I was more embarrassed than anything." The crutch spun the other way. "No buttons came undone. We just stopped after a while. Dustin made a joke about me getting hard and we talked a little more. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything about it. We didn't cum or anything." The crutch stopped spinning. Brett finally looked at me. "Do I have 'Stupid' written on my fucking forehead?" "I'm telling you the truth." I replied. "Where did you go after you left my house Friday?" "I... I went home." I said. "You know, nothing pisses me off more than when you lie to me. You mean to tell me that Dustin had the chance to have his way with you and all he did is kiss you and play with your dick? I don't believe it." "That's all that happened." "Well I don't believe you." "Brett, I'm telling you the truth. Ask Dustin! He'll tell you what happened." "Dustin's a lying little weasel too!" "Come on Brett. You know he's..." "He's had a hard fucking life. I know! I was there, remember? And when I tried to help he beat the shit out of me! Every fucking time I try to point out that he's not exactly the kind of person you should be hanging out with you tell me that he's had a hard life. He stole a fucking car, Billy. He's cheating on his goddamn girlfriend with a guy. And he's been trying to horn his way into our life forever." "He's my friend, and I thought he was your friend, too." "I fucking hate the son of a bitch." Brett snapped. "Brett!" "I'm sorry. I tried to like him, but I don't. You think I've forgotten what he did to me when I saved his stinking life? All the shit he's pulled over the years... He's always been trying to split us up." "Well he's my friend, and I'm not going to stop being his friend because of you. If you don't trust me by now then I don't know how you ever will!" "How can I trust you if you fucking lie to me?" "I'm not lying!" "Did you go to Dustin's house after you left my place Friday?" I paused and looked at the floor. "Yes." I mumbled. "You lying fucking asshole." "We just talked for a little while and then I went home." "Then why did you lie to me?" "I didn't. I went home, but I stopped at Dustin's first. I'm sorry!" "Billy... I... I..." The crutch was spinning again. "I mean, you lie, and you lie, and you lie... How am I supposed to believe you? I can't trust you. If you can't tell me the truth then I don't want to be with you anymore." I felt an icy chill fill me. "You... You want to break up with me?" "I don't... I don't want to be with somebody who's always lying to me." Brett said, looking at my feet. "But that's not..." "It's for the best." Brett said. "How long?" I asked, feeling my eyes start to burn. "I don't know. I need time to think. Don't start crying about it, you don't have the right to cry about it. You did this to us." I wiped my eyes. "I love you, Brett. You know that I do!" "I know you do. But that doesn't seem to stop you from lying to me. I don't hate you. Maybe it's just that we need some time apart." "So what, you just want to pretend that you're not ripping my heart out?" "You're not the victim here, Billy. I've always told you the truth, even if you didn't like hearing it. I warned you about Dustin and you practically jacked each other off. I warned you about your temper and you ended up calling my dad a rapist homophobe. And I warned you not to lie to me and you keep trying to get away with only telling me half truths until I press you on it. I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the bullshit." The bell rang. Soon the room would be filled with students. "I've got to get to class. See you later, Billy." Brett scooped up his book bag and headed out of the room. I stood there as ninth graders filled the room. I was supposed to be in history class, but instead, I went to the office and told them I was sick. I guess since I looked like I was about to cry they believed me and mom picked me up before too long and took me home. When the phone rang that night, I was hoping that it would be him. But it wasn't. "Dustin's on the phone. You want to talk to him?" Mom asked. "I guess." I said. I picked up the phone. "Hey." I said. "Hey, I saw you left early today. You okay?" "No." I replied. "Allergies?" He asked. "I guess." I replied. "You sound terrible. You need anything?" "A new boyfriend." I mumbled. "Oh no... What happened? It was because of me, wasn't it?" "It was a lot of things, Dusty. We've been arguing since we went up to his dad's. It's just been getting worse and worse. It finally fell apart this afternoon. He said he needed time to think." "I told you not to tell him." "I should have told him right away." "You'll work it out. You guys always do." "I don't know this time. He's really pissed at me." I replied. "Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you." "Nothing we can do about it now, Dust." "I'm going to talk to him." "You'll just make things worse." I said. "I'm going over there. I should have done it a long time ago, actually." "Dustin, please don't..." "I'll talk to you later, Billy." Then he hung up. About an hour later I got another phone call. "Hello?" "What the fuck are you doing sending that asshole over here?" Brett asked angrily. "I told him not to." I said. "Well, he came over here trying to be all nice and shit. Telling me that he didn't want to come between us and saying he was sorry for kissing you." "I told you he would tell you the same thing as me." "Shut up! Don't try to get sympathy from me, Billy. I know you weren't sick when you left school today. I've got a broken freakin' leg and I stayed the whole damn day." "Don't yell at me, Brett. I've said I was sorry. I don't know what the fuck else you want from me. You want blood? You want me to fucking bleed for you?" "I want you to give me some goddamn space. And tell that red-headed dickhead to leave me the fuck alone!" Brett slammed the phone down and left my ear ringing. I laid down on my bed. I just needed time to think. "You okay, boy?" He asked. "No." I replied. "Life's kicking you in the nuts, huh?" He asked, sitting down on my bed. "Yeah." I laughed. "Stick with it, boy. He loves you. He's just frustrated. He doesn't like being lied to very much, does he?" "I guess not." I replied. "It's not you that he's angry about, you know. He's been lied to all his life. You are one of the few honest things in his life. He loves you. That's real. That's honest. He'll always love you, and so will I, boy." "Billy, wake up." Mom's voice snapped me into reality. Just like that, he was gone. "Why'd you wake me up?" I asked. "You were talking in your sleep." She replied. "I was talking to dad." I said. "Billy... You poor thing. You really miss him, don't you..." "All the time." I replied. "He'll always be with you. In here." She touched her finger to my chest. "Love never dies, Billy, even when the person does. That love will be with you for the rest of your life." "Thanks, mom." I said, feeling a little better. "So, is that boy still mad at you?" "We broke up." I said, feeling the words practically cutting my tongue as I said them. "Oh... I'm sorry." "It's what you wanted, isn't it?" I asked. "Well... Not really. I guess... I did, but I didn't... I just didn't want you to get hurt." "It does hurt. It's like my heart got ripped out of my chest." "Nobody stays together with their first, Billy. It's part of life." She said. "I did it to myself. I lied to him." "You aren't having... sex... with someone else did you?" Mom asked. "No. I'm not out having sex, mother. I kissed Dustin though." I said. "Oh. That's... Well, I'm glad that you aren't sleeping around. That was one thing that I always worried about because of you being... You know. But I'm not sure about this kissing business." "Well, I didn't tell Brett about it and he found out and got mad at me." "Is Dustin... like you?" Mom asked. "No." I replied. The last thing Dustin needed was my mom knowing about him being bi. "Well you know... This actually presents an opportunity for you." "What? Mom, my heart just got stomped on. What the hell kind of opportunity is that?" "Well, the prom is coming, you know. Maybe you could find a nice girl to go with instead of..." "Oh for God's sake mom! I just broke up and you're already starting on trying to get me with a girl. I'm still gay, damn it!" "Well if you just..." "I'm not going with a girl, mother!!" I snapped. "Fuck, I won't go to the damn thing at all!" "Billy..." "No!" I yelled. Then I stopped myself. "Well... Actually... You know, maybe that might be a good idea." "Really?" "I can't go with a guy. But I could go with a girl." "Well I'm certainly glad to hear you talking sense." "That'll show him." I said. After four years of being with Brett, it really hurt to be apart from him. The thing that sucked the most was that he didn't seem bothered about it at all. I buried myself in school work to try to make the pain go away. But then to see him at school happy and smiling and talking with his friends... That really hurt. It was like he was happy that we had fallen apart. A rumor began to go around that he was going to the prom with a girl. Nobody seemed to know who the girl was, but there was a rumor that it was a college girl. That just made me more determined to find a girl to take as well. We didn't ignore each other. I couldn't have survived if he'd cut me off entirely. But I'd never felt so awkward talking with him since we were first getting together. It was so weird. We knew each other better than anybody could know someone. But we were talking like we had only just met. As April passed, we were growing ever closer to the big dance and I was without someone to go with. Dustin and Emily were going. Brett had his mystery date. Even that bitch Sarah Taylor was going to go. I needed to find somebody to go with. But time was running out. It wasn't until I was sitting in the cafeteria the Tuesday before the prom that I found her. "I've got it!" I said, dropping my sandwich in mid-bite. "Got what?" Dustin asked. Even though Brett had abandoned me for his other friends, Dustin and Emily still sat with me. I left the table and walked across the cafeteria. Dustin and Emily watched with interest as I made my way to a table in the corner. I noticed that Brett was watching me curiously as well. There, at that table in the corner sat Mary Caldwell, all two-hundred and fifty pounds of her. She sat there alone, with the lunch that she had brought in for herself. I sat down at the table with her, and she looked at me with interest. Not many people were brave enough to sit near her at feeding time. "Hello Mary." I said. "Billy..." She said in between bites. "What do you want?" "You know Mary, not many people truly appreciate the value of bringing your own lunch to school anymore... This cafeteria food sucks." "You came all the way over here to talk about cafeteria food?" She asked. "Of course not, babe. I came over here to ask you a very important question." "Never call me babe again." She said. "Sure thing, babe. Anyway, I wanted to ask you if anybody had asked you to the prom yet." Mary scowled at me. "So you came all the way over here to insult me." "Would I ever do a thing like that, Mary?" "It wouldn't be the first time some one did." She replied. "Well, I didn't. I came over here to ask you to go to the prom with me, if no one else had yet." I said. "I thought you were gay." She said. I laughed. "That's just a rumor. I swear, you have sex with a guy and the next thing you know everybody thinks you're gay." Mary looked at me with confusion. "So you're not gay?" "Mary, just between you, me, and the cupcakes, I like dick... A lot. Now if that makes me gay, then so be it." "Okay... So you are gay, but you want to go to the prom with me... Why?" "I can't go with a guy. Not allowed. 'No same sex couples allowed.' Remember?" "Oh... Right. Why me then?" She asked. "I was attracted by your ravishing beauty..." "What's the real reason?" "Well I figured you wouldn't have a date yet and I was desperate so..." I didn't get to finish because she slapped me right across the face, making a loud crack echo through the cafeteria. That sound was quickly followed by howls of laughter from all the kids who witnessed it. Brett put his face in his hands in embarrassment as the guys he was sitting with roared with laughter. "I guess I deserved that." I said. "So, pick you up at six?" "Four." Mary said. "If you're dragging me to this thing you're buying me dinner too." "Okay." I said. "I'll borrow some money from my mom." Then I realized how what I'd said sounded. "For the dance!" I quickly added. "Not to pay for dinner... I mean... I'll have to borrow for that too... I mean... Well... Not because you're..." "Billy, go away." Mary said. "Right..." I said. "Four o'clock?" "Four o'clock." She said, smiling. I walked back to my table, taking some abuse from some of the guys who had watched me make a fool of myself. Brett just shook his head, mortified. I sat down and continued eating as if I'd never left. Dustin was trying not to laugh, Emily just looked angry at him. "Go ahead, let it out." I said. "Did you try to take one of her cookies?" Dustin added. Emily groaned angrily. "You boys are awful. Mary has feelings too, you know." "Very big feelings." Dustin added before laughing hysterically. "Laugh it up," I said. "But I've got my prom date." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *