All usual disclaimers apply. If you are offended by homosexual content, leave now. There is no sex in this particular chapter of the story, but there will be eventually, so if you're under 18, you probably shouldn't read this story, but if you made it this far, reading this dumbass disclaimer won't stop you, so don't get caught, ok. And I personally don't care anyways. If you are offended by erotic homosexual activities between teenagers, then what the hell are you doing here??? This story is property of the author. You may distribute this story as long as I'm given credit for writing it, the story is not at all changed, and you do not charge anyone a fee for reading it. Enjoy!
Questions/comments/CONSTRUCTIVE criticisms are welcome at JasonS182@aol.com I will ignore flames, so find something better to do.
We're In This Together: Chapter 2
The sunshine outside my window shone brightly in my eyes, causing me to squint in pain. I looked at the clock...damn, it was noon already. I had gotten back really late last night, guess I shouldn't be suprised. I began to remember everything that had happened last night. I remembered the knife, the bridge...Adam. I'd like to say that thinking of Adam brought a smile to my face, but that's not what happened. I felt afraid. I didn't know why. After all, I met someone who cared about me, someone who I could relate to, someone else who was gay. And I'd thought I'd fallen in love with him. But now I wasn't so sure.
I began to slowly realize that everything that happened last night, did so because I was acting on instinct. Now I had time to actually think about it. And it scared the hell out of me. I wish I could just live me whole life on instinct alone. Then my paranoias and the beliefs that had been shoved into my head would have no effect on my life, and I could be so much happier. I wanted to be happy, but the years of my dad's anti-gay preaching had really done something to me. Even after everything that happened last night with Adam, I still couldn't accept the fact that I was gay without thinking that I deserved to die. But I couldn't just leave Adam. I had this lingering hope that he could somehow help me, even if we only ended up being friends, maybe he could help me forget about my dad.
My dad. I'd have to see him soon. I couldn't sit up in my room all day. For some reason, I had a paranoia that somehow he would know about last night. On some level, I knew that wasn't true but the thought still scared me. What the hell was wrong with me lately? I'm gay, that's what's wrong. Dammit! Those thought again! I needed to find some way to get them out of my head.
Somewhere within all of the fear and my self-hatred, I still wanted to see Adam again. Maybe it was the hope that he could somehow make me feel better. I'd see him tonight at the bridge. The bridge. I really should've thought of somewhere else to meet him. I didn't really want to go back there, I was worried I'd still have the urge to throw myself off of it. But I had to see Adam again, he was my last and only hope, so the bridge it would be.
But that wouldn't be for another 12 hours or so, for now I had to leave my room and face my family again. I don't know why I make such a big deal of it, I do it everyday. But today I felt that it'd be really hard to do. Even around the house, my father constantly talked about the "sins" of homosexuality, and today I really did not want to try to deal with it. It was hard enough to do without having as much on my mind as I did today.
I changed out of my pajamas, threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and walked down the hall. I was hungry, so I went in the kitchen to get some lunch. I walked in and saw my mom sitting at the table. "Well, good morning...I mean afternoon Richard," my mom said with I smile.
I smiled back. "Hi mom." My mom was usually a nice person, unlike my father who was constantly spewing hatred, odd for a man who's supposed to preach about love and stuff. But my mom hateed gays just as much as my dad, she just didn't talk about it as much. "Anything to eat?" I asked.
"The usual stuff," she said, "You could make yourself a grilled cheese or something."
"Yeah, I guess I'll do that," I said. The thought occured to me that I didn't know where my dad was, but I wasn't gonna ask where he was because I didn't care as long as he wasn't there. As I made the sandwich, my mother and I talked, just pointless chatter really, I didn't really listen too much. After the sandwich was done, I went down the hall to my room again. I told my mom I was gonna go do my homework, which suprised her because it was Saturday, and normally I wouldn't do my homework until sometime on Sunday, but I wanted to be away from everybody now.
I went back to my room. I got a little homework done, but I couldn't really concentrate. There were just too many thought in my head already, without trying to think about homework too. I layed down on my bed and put some Nine Inch Nails on my stereo. My parents didn't know I had the NIN. If they did, I'd just have to endure another religous, bible-quoting fit from them, so I didn't bother. After all, Trent Reznor does say in one of his songs, "God is dead, and no one cares." I wondered if maybe this was right. Maybe there was no god and the whole thing was a lie. At first, I got mad at myself for having these sinful thoughts. Then, I began to take some strange comfort in the thought. If it was true, then that would mean there was no hell for me to go to because I was gay. It also meant that my father would be wrong, which, I have to admit, was a fairly pleasant thought.
The day was really crawling by. I felt like I'd been awake for hours, and it was only 2:00. It felt like midnight would never come. I started to wonder what Adam was doing now. I wondered if I was as scared as I was. Probably not. He seemed to be totally accepting of himself. He just hated other people's reaction to him. I had that problem, plus the problem of my own reaction to myself. I really envied him. I wished I could be at peace with myself like he was.
Dinner rolled around at about 6:00. By that time, dad had retured from wherever he'd been, so I'd have to deal with him. I slowly ate my dinner while my dad talked and bitched for a while. I don't want to go into the details now, but basically he just went through the same speech that he went through every night, about how evil gays were. By the end, I could barely keep my dinner down, and I excused myself without eating much.
"Are you okay Richard?" asked my mom, "You didn't eat much."
"Yeah I'm fine," I said quickly, before heading back to my room.
I sat up in my room pretty much the rest of the night, just because I really didn't want to deal with anyone. The only time I left was at about 9:00, to take a shower, after which I went right back to my room.
I was looking foward to seeing Adam again, though at the same time I was really scared. I was worried that he might get mad at me for not being able to accept myslef, god knows I was mad enough about it. But I really felt like I needed Adam, even if only to talk to, as a friend. Part of me hoped for more than that, and part of me was scared to death of it. I had no idea what I was thinking even more, accept that I did know I wanted to talk to Adam again, regardless of the outcome.
At about 11:00, there was a knock at my door. "Come in," I said.
It was my mom. "We're going to bed Richard," she said, "We'll see you tomorrow. Try to get to sleep earlier because we have to go to church in the morning." Ugh, church, I didn't want to even think about that.
"Okay mom," I said, "Good night." She closed the door.
I waited until about 11:30, when I was sure they'd be asleep, then I crept down the hall. I opened the door as quietly as I could and slipped outside. I walked towards the bridge where Adam and I had agreed to meet. I arrived a little before midnight. In the darkness, I didn't notice that Adam was there until I was almost there as well.
"Hey Rich," Adam said with a warm smile.
"Hi Adam," I responded.
"How have you been?" he asked.
I wasn't realy sure what to say here. I paused for a sec. "Ummm...not to good," I finally said.
"What's wrong?" Adam asked with genuine concern on his face.
"I don't know," I said, "I guess I'm just really scared."
"Everything. I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of my family, and honestly I'm scared of you and me."
Adam looked very worried. "Why? What's wrong?" he said, "Is it something I said?"
"No, not at all," I said, looking at him, "It's just...I dunno...I'm just scared...it's probably cuz of my dad."
"There's nothing you can do about him," Adam said, "It sucks, but he is the way he is. I thought you were over that. You seemed happier when you left last night."
"I thought so too," I said, "I guess I was just acting on instinct last night. Today I thought about everything and I got scared. I wish I could just do everything on instinct."
"I know what you mean," he said, "Richard, you have to listen to me. There's nothing wrong with being gay. No matter what anyone says, as long as you are a good person...that's all that matters."
"I know that," I said, beginning to cry a little, "But I'm still really scared for some reason."
"I guess it'll just take time," he said, "I suppose you've had it worse. You're dad's the preacher."
"Yeah I guess," I said, "Thanks for understanding Adam, I'm trying to overcome this, but it's so fucking hard to do."
"I know," said Adam, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, which I found to be very comforting.
We just sat there for a few minutes, staring at the water. I felt so happy with Adam, yet I still had trouble even thinking of him as a friend. Why did this have to be so fucking hard? All I wanted was to be happy, was that so much to ask? I meet someone who really likes me, and I'm still scared to death. If that hate-filled bastard wasn't my father, I swear I'd kill him, I began to wonder if I still might anyways.
After a few minutes, Adam got up. "I think we should go for a walk. This bridge has some bad memories."
"Yeah I agree," I said, "Where do you wanna go?"
"Wherever," he said, "It doesn't matter. Let's just wander around for a while. Come on," he said extending his hand to me and pulling me to my feet.
"Yeah, anywhere sounds good," I said, "As long as it's not home."
We began to wander up and down the maze of streets in Cleveland. And we just talked the whole time. It was weird how I felt so happy with him, yet I was never happy otherwise, and I still couldn't bring myslef to try to make much else out of our friendship, even though the one part of me really wanted to. I just couldn't let go of society, and what society thought of me, of Adam, and what they would think of us.
We must've wandered around for 2 or 3 hours. It looked like I wouldn't be too awake for church tomorrow, but it's not like I would mind sleeping through it. It might piss my father off, but he was always mad, so who cares?
At one point, Adam reached down and held my hand. It was the middle of the night, and there weren't many people around, but I still felt very aprehensive about being seen in public holding his hand. It really pissed me off that I cared so much about Adam, but I still felt nervous holding his hand. I tried to give it a couple minutes while we were talking to see if I could get used to it and get more comfortable, but to no avail. So, after a few minutes I turned to Adam and said, "Ummm...I'm really sorry, but could we not hold hands?"
"Oh...ok," said Adam, releasing my hand. He looked kind of hurt. I guess it was understandable.
"Look Adam," I said, looking right at him, "I'm really sorry. I'm mad at myself now, but I'm just not comfortable yet. I'm really am sorry."
"I understand," said Adam.
"Thanks," I said. But I didn't understand. Why was this happening to me? I wanted to be able to hold Adam's hand, why the hell couldn't I? We stopped walking and I began to cry. "Adam...I don't know why I can't do it," I said between tears, "But...I don't know...goddamn it I hate myself!.."
"Don't say that Richard," said Adam, crying a little himself, "Don't hate yourself. I understand that it must be hard, and I probably don't even entirely understand how hard it is for you. Don't worry about it."
"Why not?" I said, "I keep telling myself it'll get better, but what if it doesn't? It doesn't feel like it ever will."
"It WILL get better," Adam said, "I know it will."
"I hope so," I said.
"Just don't worry about it," he said, "It's not your fault."
I looked at Adam. "Thanks a lot," I said, "I was worried you'd get mad or something."
"How could I get mad at you?" Adam said with a smile.
I smiled back. "I'd hug you if I had the courage."
"Don't worry about it. The fact that you want to is enough for me. Plus, you can just wait til you're ready then give me the hug," I said with a laugh.
I smiled at him. "I will. I promise."
"Okay," he said, "But only when you're ready."
"Deal. Thanks again Adam."
"No problem dude."
We got up and started walking again. "You know," I said, "When I'm with you, I feel like everything will be okay. You make me feel so great..."
Adam blushed. "Thanks," he said."
"...But," I continued, "When I go home, I go back to feeling like shit. And tomorrow I gotta go to church."
"That sucks," said Adam, "I'm sorry. Just remember that none of what he says is true, okay?"
"I'll try," I said.
"That's all I can ask," he said.
We stayed out until about 3 AM. We just talked the whole time, about anything and everything. It felt great. I had never met someone as nice, or as understanding as Adam was. Although it did still piss me off that I couldn't even bring myself to touch him in public. But I didn't want to think about that now. I was happy just being near him. He really did make me feel so much safer. I found myself wishing that I lived with him, and not my own family of bigots.
But eventually that time came. It had been hard as hell last night, and it wasn't any different tonight. It was time for both of us to leave each other, and go back to our own personal hellholes. "Well," I said, as we walked up to my apartment building, "I guess this is it."
"Yeah," Adam said, "Guess so."
"I'll miss you," I said, "Can we meet again tomorrow night?"
"Of course we can," Adam said with a smile, "Do you think I'd pass up an opportunity to be with you?"
"Thanks Adam," I said. I could feel my face turning red. Good thing it was dark out. "Same time, same place?"
"Nah. I don't like that bridge. It makes my think of how I almost killed myself," Adam said, "How about we meet by that parking garage near the stadium."
"That sounds good," I said, "That's about right in between us."
"Okay then," he said, "Is midnight good?"
"Alright. Midnight at the parking garage," said Adam, "I can't wait."
"Me either," I said. "Well, I guess I should go."
"Yeah," said Adam, "I gotta get home too."
We just stood there. Neither of us wanted to leave. We had nothing to go to, just hate and more hate. I didn't want that. I wanted to be around Adam, where I could be myself. "I don't want to go," I said.
"Me either," said Adam with a frown.
"But I guess we have to," I said.
"You know, if I could bring myself to do it," I said, "I'd probably kiss you now."
"I'd let you," said Adam, "But remember, only when you're ready Rich. I don't want to push you."
"Thanks again for understaning Adam," I said.
"It was nothing," he said, "Anything for you."
"Thanks so much."
"No," Adam said, "Thank you. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead."
"Well, same here," I said.
We stared at each other smiling for a couple minutes. "Well," Adam started, "I really have to get home."
"Yeah I guess," I said, "I should get some sleep before church."
"Remember Richard, it's not true," Adam said seriously.
"I know. I'll try," I said, "I'll be thinking about you all day."
"Same here Rich."
"Well," I said taking a deep breath, "I should go."
"Yeah, me too," he said. "Bye Richard."
"Bye Adam," I said. He turned slowly and started to walk away.
I watched him as he went. I somehow resisted the urge to chase after him. I thought about how happy I was with him and yet how I was unable to fully express that happiness. I hoped Adam was right and I would get over it. I hoped I could ignore everything my father was going to say tomorrow.
Tomorrow. I decided I should get some sleep. I'd never been able to fake sick to get out of church. I'd always gotten some shit about Jesus making me feel better. I didn't want to think about everything my asshole father would say tomorrow, all the hate he would spew. I tried not to think about it but I really couldn't avoid it. I decided I should just try to go to sleep so I wouldn't have to think about it. I crept back inside and softly tiptoed to my room. I put my pajamas on and lay down in bed. My mind returned to thoughts of Adam and how he made me feel. For once, my head was totally filled with happiness as I drifted off to sleep.
End of Chapter 2. I'd like to thank everybody who sent my their opinons on Chapter 1. The response was pretty much positive, with the only minor criticism being that the love seemed to happen to fast. After re-reading chapter 1, I decided that it was true, and I've tried to slow it down a bit to let the feelings and emotions develop. Anyhow, as always, I would love to hear what you thought of chapter 2. My e-mail is email@example.com. Also, you can visit my website at http://jasonstuff.tripod.com. I have my other stories, the lyrics to NIN's "We're In This Together," as well as some other stuff. Well, thanks again to everyone for reading. See ya later! :)