It was to be a moment of euphoria, an instant of joy, a sign of acceptance, only it'd been reduced to a sensation of shame and anger.
I kissed a guy.
The whole ordeal reduced me from someone to something. That's all I was to Neal, something to keep him entertained while away from home. I felt cheap. I felt used.
Shame and anger.
I opened my eyes, a blue and blurred fog surrounding my vision. Exhaling my breath, I watched as the bubbles of air escaped my mouth and rushed up towards the surface. Pushing off from the bottom of the pool, I followed them upwards, the water surging around my body. Reaching the surface, I flicked my head back and gulped in the air, my lungs burning in my chest.
Panting to catch my breath, I wiped at my eyes and scanned the large, rectangular room. Empty. I looked up at the analogue clock on the wall, 07:50. It wouldn't be long until I'd be joined by other people.
Once my breathing had returned to normal, I inhaled deeply and dived back beneath the surface. Plunging to the bottom, I crossed my legs and sat on the tiled floor. I felt free in the water. It was as though I'd merged with the transparent liquid and become part of something bigger than myself. I felt safe.
My mind flicked back to the night before, to the moment in the library with Neal. I'm sure there were some boys who would've loved to have been in my position, but I wasn't one of them. I'd always despised the phrase caught in the moment, yet that's exactly what happened. I may have well been intoxicated, and perhaps I was, though not through alcohol, but by a burning desire within myself to experience something I'd never felt before.
After what happened between us in the library, I didn't speak to Neal again that evening. Returning to the grand hall, I found that two empty seats had presented themselves at Mum and Dad's table, so Georgina and I relocated there. Thankfully we didn't hang around until the very end of the wedding, though we still arrived back at the hotel in the early hours of the morning. Retreating to my room, I attempted to get some sleep, but was continuously plagued by troubling thoughts and disturbing dreams. Surrendering to the inevitable, I climbed out of bed just after seven o'clock and headed down to the pool.
I'd always loved swimming as a child. I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why, nor did I care, I just knew it was something I immensely enjoyed. As I became older I saw it as more and more of a solitary activity, a place where I could go and be alone to think. While Harry and I had been to the local swimming pool together, it wasn't the same. I preferred the solitude.
Extending my hand away from my body, I spread my fingers and waved my arm back and forth, feeling the water glide over my skin. It had been a few years since I'd last been swimming. I wasn't sure why I'd given it up, though it was probably replaced by another activity, something that promised even more excitement. Just being in the water again instantly brought back all the memories of the fun I used to have.
My life had changed a lot in since then, my eyes opened to the wider world as I passed through high school and approached adulthood. Ever since I hit my teens, I couldn't wait to be older, to be treated as an adult rather than a child. Yet, at seventeen years of age, I was beginning to question if I was ready for everything it entailed.
Returning to the surface of the pool, I refilled my lungs with air. I felt lost. It was as though I'd spent the last few years of my life racing forwards, only I'd never decided on a destination. I liked planning and structure, but it was something my decisions seemed to lack.
Before we kissed, Neal told me that he knew what I wanted, as if my hopes and dreams were painted across my face for him to read. What did he see? A lost and confused boy? Or something else?
Taking a breath, I sank back into the water and returned to the bottom of the pool. The reality is my chain of thoughts were flawed. Neal was an idiot and a cheat. To take his word on something would only make me an accomplice in his stupidity. All he saw was a situation to exploit, someone he could use to have some fun with.
I started to shake my head at the thought, when it soon dawned on me that the only way to deal with it would be to move on. A guy kissed me, I kissed him back, and then I found out he had a boyfriend. Did I do something wrong? No. But I had to move on either way.
A distorted and muffled sound entered my ears, signalling that I was no longer alone. Looking upwards, a blurred, dark shape loomed at the other end of the pool. With the sacred stillness of the water broken, I decided it was time to leave.
Exhaling the air from my mouth, I rose up to the surface and took in a breath. Wiping the water from my eyes, I stared across the room and watched as a small boy with armbands leapt towards a man who I assumed to be his father. With a smile and a shout of encouragement, he held out his arms to the little boy. Upon hitting the water and being submerged for a split second, the boy bounced up to the surface, his face lit up with excitement. Climbing up the steps out of the pool, a smile came to my lips as I thought back to when I was his age and how it was my Dad who introduced me to swimming.
Walking away from the pool, I stepped over to the row of white, plastic chairs on the side where I'd placed my towel along with my t-shirt. Picking up the towel, I began to dry myself off when I heard the door open behind me across the room. Glancing over my shoulder, I had to do a double take when I stared at the girl entering the room. After studying her face for a few seconds I recognised her from the church the day before, the same girl who'd turned away when I'd smiled at her.
Her eyes briefly connected with mine and then switched to the man in the pool as he called out to her. While I didn't catch much of their conversation, I did get the impression of them being part of the same family. Averting my gaze, I finished towelling off my hair and then pulled my t-shirt over my head, a prolonged process as the cotton clung to my still damp skin.
Finished with the shirt, I glanced up at the girl again, catching her eyes drifting down my body before returning to my face. Approaching the row of chairs, she stopped next to the one closest the door, draped her towel across the back of the seat, and then slowly began to peel off her clothes.
Slinging the towel across my shoulder, I slipped my bare feet into my trainers and then headed towards the exit, purposely taking a route past the girl. Since she'd gotten a good look at me, it only seemed fair I returned the gesture. Dropping my eyes, I let my gaze sweep over her body and then up to her face. Her eyelids fluttered as she stared at me in the same devilish manner a starved dog would eye its evening meal before devouring it in seconds.
Damn! Where's Neal and his 'I know what you want' speech? I thought to myself, forcing my lips to curl up at the sides. The act didn't go unnoticed by the girl, who responded with a sly smirk of her own.
Having achieved my goal of feigning interest, I ignored her persistent stare and continued past her. Reaching the door to the pool, I pushed it open and walked out of sight, never to see her again.
Returning to my room, I slipped out of my swim shorts and took a quick shower to wash away the stench of chlorine from my skin and hair. Towelling myself dry, I exited the bathroom and laid down on the double bed. Reaching over to the small side table, I picked up my phone.
Images of Sean flashed in my mind as I checked for any new messages. He'd sent me a text the night before, not to Ryan, but to me, West. I received it just before we arrived at the country house for the wedding reception. The message was brief, wishing that I was having a good time at the wedding. My reply was equally as short:
It's alright thx. Can't wait to get back though. ;)
Through Ryan, I'd been having a conversation with Sean earlier that day, during the gap between the wedding ceremony and reception. At first we spoke about topics we'd touched on before, such as music that we liked, and what we wanted for Christmas, but it didn't take long for us to drift into uncharted territory.
Having a text-based conversation in real time really wore me out when trying to stay one step ahead with what Ryan should or shouldn't say. Email was much easier in that regard, giving me time to find the right words to use, while also granting me the opportunity to edit before sending. With texting, I only had a few seconds to think it up with no way to edit once it left my domain. Fortunately I'd managed to scrape by without any major hiccups.
Later that evening, not five-minutes after Sean sent the message to me, he sent one to Ryan too:
Sean: Girlfriend?
While being only one word, I read the message again and again. I knew what Sean was asking. Evidently he'd paid attention to all the subtle hints I'd dropped throughout our conversations and finally reached the point where he wanted to know if Ryan was gay.
Unfortunately, he'd picked a bad time to send the message as we'd just pulled up outside the country house when my phone chirped in my pocket. Faced with everyone else exiting the car to head inside, I ended up leaving the message unanswered. Although I'd intended on excusing myself during the reception to reply, I never found an appropriate opportunity, at least one that gave me enough time to work up something suitable. And after the affair with Neal in the library, Sean's message wasn't at the top of my priorities.
Wiping away a bead of water that dripped from my still damp hair and landed on my cheek, I stared down at the unanswered message, lost at how to respond. It seemed simple enough, to just have Ryan come out and say 'I'm gay', but was it the right thing to do? What if it ended up pushing Sean further away, deeper into the closet?
I deliberated over my reply for a few seconds, and then shook my head as my fingers flew over the virtual keys. "Screw it."
After the last twenty-four hours, I wasn't in the mood for tiptoeing around anymore. The time had passed for idle chit-chat, it was now or never.
Ryan: No girlfriend here. Not really into girls if you get what I mean.
Once I'd sent the message, I locked the phone and let it rest down on the bed next to me.
Your move, Sean.
The journey home was largely uneventful. I was actually able to sleep through most of it, save for the hour or so of torrential rainfall that hammered against the thin metal roof of the car, keeping me awake. Eventually, after a total of three hours and thirteen minutes, we pulled up in our driveway.
Entering my bedroom, I closed the door behind me. Sealed away from the outside world, it felt like I could finally relax. Stripping out of my clothes, I wandered over to the bed, slipped beneath the duvet and was out like a light.
I slept for another five hours, eventually waking around seven in the evening. Rolling onto my back, I was initially alarmed to find my bedroom dark until I checked the time. I gave a groan when staring at the clock, it felt like I'd wasted a whole day. A whole extra day wasted by that damn wedding.
Climbing out of bed, I threw on some clothes and then wandered downstairs to get something to eat. Mum and Georgina were in the living room, half-watching a Christmas movie through tired eyes. Dad had already gone to sleep. While I'm sure he was fatigued from all the driving, I also knew he'd want to be up early in the morning to head out to the bakeries and make the most of Christmas Eve before closing for Christmas Day.
After making a quick sandwich, I grabbed a packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate, and then headed back up to my room. Switching on my TV, I grabbed the remote and searched for a programme I'd set to record while away at the wedding. Sitting back in my desk chair, I began to attack my food as the show started.
Once I'd finished eating, I reached for my phone, noticing I had one unread message from Sean along with two missed calls from Harry. Tapping on the screen, I dialled Harry's phone. After greeting each other, he didn't waste any time in asking how the wedding went, to which I gave him a brief overview, complete with a few profanities. He laughed at my reply but reminded me that it was over, and that I was free at last.
Speaking to Harry was the highlight of the last few days; it felt like I was back in reality again. The best part was getting to tell him all about my plans for the following day, about how we were both invited to Tess's house to work on the English project.
"You're not serious," Harry replied.
"I'm very serious. You're now part of our group, and tomorrow we'll be going over Tess's."
"But..." Harry paused on the other end. "How? Wait, why?"
"I told you I'd help you out with Tess." I laughed as he continued to ramble in confusion. "Let's just say I had a chat with Miss Roberts."
"Yeah, but..." He gave a small, contented sigh into the phone. "Thanks."
"No problem." I grinned, picturing the smile on his face.
We spoke for a while longer, mostly about his awe of how I was able to pull off such a thing, but I reiterated that I'd tell him later. Once he'd gotten over the initial surprise, he insisted that I head over to his house tomorrow before we'd go to Tess's. While he was vague about the reason why, I assumed it revolved around him wanting to look his best for her, so I agreed to meet him beforehand.
Hanging up the phone, I sat back for a few seconds, satisfied that I'd been able to do something special for Harry. Although it didn't guarantee that Tess would be interested in a relationship, it did at least put him in a better position. Beyond that, it just made sense for him to be in the same group as me, as we always did our best work together.
Tapping out of the call, I opened up Ryan's messages:
Ryan: No girlfriend here. Not really into girls if you get what I mean.
Sean: Me neither.
My heart skipped a beat as I read the message. Shaking my head, I was certain that he'd somehow misread what I'd sent him earlier that morning. Tapping on reply, I sent him the definitive response, one that left no room for error:
Ryan: I mean I'm gay.
Almost instantly, Sean replied:
Sean: Me too.
A sweeping range of emotions flew through me. No way. No freaking way did he just... I quickly tapped away on the keyboard:
Ryan: You're gay?
Sean: Yep. :)
A wave of excitement crashed down over me as my heart raced in my chest. 'Sean's gay! Sean's gay! Sean's gay!' I chanted inside my head. I did it! I actually did it!
Sean: You still there? ;)
Still there? I was on cloud nine! Unable to believe I'd succeeded in my plan. What began as a glimmer of an idea grew to become the basis for an entire scheme to find out the truth. It led me to create a whole person, a whole new person, but in the end it worked! In the end I found out the truth.
Collecting my thoughts, I began to type back to him. Soon we were deep in a new conversation, one driven by our newly shared secret.
Even an hour later, as we continued our chat, I was still overcome with disbelief. It almost didn't feel real, like I was imagining the whole thing, yet it really was happening. Sean was gay, and he'd shared it with me.
Blinded by my achievement, I'd overlooked a vital point, the one question left unanswered when planning it all out.
What happens next?