Surprise. Surprise with a hint of shock. Raising a hand up to his bright blond hair, Sean slowly ran his fingers through his soft locks as his eyebrows raised.
"Sorry," I uttered, wincing inwardly as I stood on the doormat. "I should've called."
"It's okay. Just wasn't expecting you," he replied with a smile. Moving aside, he pulled the front door open. "Come in."
Entering his home, I stepped out of my shoes and removed my coat. After stowing them beside the door, I turned to Sean, my eyes falling onto his. We stared at each other in silence as we remained in the hall, and for a moment, I'd almost forgotten why I was there. Almost. My trembling body and thumping heart shook me back to reality. I averted my gaze, breaking the contact.
"Uh, want something to drink?" Sean asked over his shoulder, heading towards the kitchen.
"No, thanks. I'm alright."
Exhaling slowly, I struggled to contain my nerves as I followed him into the house. Arriving in the doorway to the kitchen, I immediately noticed a young girl sitting at the dining table staring back at me. Although I hadn't seen her before, she must've been one of his eleven-year-old twin sisters. While her hair wasn't as bright as his, it was still a very light shade of blonde, but she did share his eye colour, along with a similar resemblance with her other facial features.
"Are you West?" she asked wide-eyed, absently stirring her bowl of steaming cereal.
"Yeah."
Her face instantly lit up as if someone had flicked an invisible switch. "Sean told me all about you! He said you were-"
"She saw me working on the English project," Sean interrupted, scalding her with his eyes. "I told her that I was working with you and Harry."
"But you said-"
"Laura!"
I glanced back at Sean but had to do a double take. His cheeks appeared to be glowing a darker shade of red than before. Is he blushing? My lips began to curl at the sides, but then realised his slight flush could simply be a sign of annoyance, given the intensity of the glare he directed towards his younger sibling.
Caught between their little standoff, thoughts of Tess and Ryan flashed in my mind, reminding me why I was there. Any sense of amusement vanished as my stomach clenched with anxiety. I really needed to talk to him alone. And soon. It'd been almost twenty-four hours since I spoke to Tess, I was going to go completely insane if I had to wait any longer.
Fortunately, Sean didn't want us to hang around. Picking up his glass of orange juice, he flicked his head upwards towards his room. "Do you wanna...?"
"Sure." I agreed, trailing behind him up the stairs. There was no point in delaying the inevitable.
"See you later, West!" called out his sister behind us.
"Bye." I tried my best to sound upbeat. My voice came out flat.
Arriving upstairs, we stepped inside his bedroom. It appeared very much the same as the last time I was there, though there were a few more things cluttered about, not that I cared given the current disarray of my mind.
"I'm sorry. I didn't make the bed or anything." Sean sighed, rushing to pick up some clothes from the floor. "I haven't even showered yet."
"It's ok Sean, really." I watched as he quickly set about making his bed, before turning my attention to the rest of his room, wondering if I'd ever get to see it again.
Everything in there was distinctly Sean, from the way his bookshelf was organised neatly in alphabetical order, to his immaculate piano sitting in the corner. On one level it seemed wrong to do what I was planning, especially in his bedroom, his own private sanctuary. Though Tess was right, he did deserve to know the truth. Didn't he?
What if I don't tell him? What if I just come out instead and tell him I like him? After his sister's reaction, he has to be interested in me. Perhaps I could talk to Tess later and get her to-
"West?"
Spinning around, my eyes connected with Sean's. No. He needed to know the truth more than I needed to escape responsibility. I had to tell him.
A crease formed on his forehead. "What is it?"
Clenching my sweaty palms, I took in a breath. "I've got to tell you something. It's gonna sound a little crazy but-"
Dropping a pillow against the bed, he closed the distance between us, a look of anxiety growing on his face. "What's wrong, West?"
I nervously jerked my head towards his computer. "You know that guy you talk to online?" I paused, my voice breaking. "Ryan?"
His eyes narrowed as he took a step closer. "Who?"
"Ryan," I repeated, the name suddenly sounding foreign to me.
"I don't know a Ryan."
Don't make me do this. "Sean, you know who I mean."
He studied me closely; his light blue eyes piercing deep into mine before he finally spoke again, "What about him?"
Swallowing hard, I returned his stare. "It's me."
His head dropped to the side, his frown deepening. "How d'you mean?"
"He doesn't exist. It's me. It's always been me."
Sean made no effort to speak or move. He just continued to watch me, as if expecting me to say more.
I moved closer. "I wasn't trying to-"
"Stop."
He held out the palm of his hand towards me. His eyes dropped to the floor between us, flicking back and forth while deep in thought, before finally looking up at me. "You were him? From the beginning?"
I gave a nod. "Yes."
He opened his mouth to speak as his head swayed from side to side, yet no words came from his lips.
My fingers brushed against the t-shirt covering his upper arm. "Sean, I-"
"Don't!" he snapped, taking a step back.
My outstretched hand froze in mid-air. "Sorry."
"Jesus..." He winced. "Why? Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
He raised a hand to his head and slowly ran it back through his hair. "Fuck!"
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? What does that even mean?" His head shook. "Why would you do this?"
"I don't know."
"Stop saying that!" His voice rose. "You started it, all of it! You must know why you did it!"
I remained silent. What else was there to say? The truth? That I'd always had some sense that he was gay, but instead of trying to gain his trust to find out like any normal person, I devised a scheme rich in subterfuge and lies to get my answer?
He shook his head again. "Is this some kind of game? Something that you and Harry are working on against me?"
"No!" I protested. "Harry doesn't know anything about this."
"Does anyone else?"
"No one," I answered quickly, too quickly. "Aside from Tess."
"Tess?!" he fumed. "How does she know?"
"She found out yesterday."
"I said how."
"I had my... Ryan's, email open," I explained. "She read through them while I was in the shower."
His eyebrows shot up onto his forehead. "You just let her?"
"No. I didn't even know she was there."
"Fuck," he repeated. "She told me from the beginning that I shouldn't trust people online."
"I never meant to hurt you Sean. That's the truth."
"The truth?" he spat. "Like I can believe that coming from you!"
I bit my tongue. He was right. Other than taking my word, how could he trust me after everything I'd done?
My eyes followed as he paced his room, chewing on his bottom lip as he tried to make sense of what I'd told him. His distress reminded me of the captive animals I'd seen on TV. Beautiful, magnificent creatures driven to the brink of insanity through a life of providing entertainment. That's what I'd done to Sean. Trapped him behind the cage of Ryan's false persona, making him jump through hoops and dodge obstacles as I satisfied my own personal needs.
"So, what now?"
Forcing back the tears that threatened to fall, I focused on him. "Huh?"
"What are you going to do now? Tell the whole school that I'm gay? That I fell for your little trick?"
"No, I wouldn't do that."
He gritted his teeth. "I don't believe you."
"I'm bisexual, Sean." I avoided his stare as I dropped my voice. "I'd never do that to you."
He tilted his head towards me. "You're bi?"
I gave a timid nod.
"After all this you're bloody bisexual?" He gave a disgusted snort. "God, you just don't stop do you?!"
"What?"
"What do you mean what? You're fucking around with my life, that's what!" Taking a step closer, he balled up his fist. "I swear to god I could just..."
I could see his lips moving, and I could hear the words, but they didn't register to me. My gaze was focused on his eyes. So much hate and sadness shot out from his icy blue irises. And it was all directed at me.
"You know what? Just go. Don't come back here ever again. Don't even talk to me at school."
A million thoughts raced through my mind, trying to find an out to the situation. I couldn't afford to let Sean end things like that. There had to be a way to salvage something, only nothing came to me.
He moved his face within inches of mine. "Now!"
Swallowing the bile that coated my mouth, I took a step back away from him and made for the door. My mind was on automatic as I left his room. The last image I had was of Sean's house looming behind me as I walked away, placing more and more distance between us.
Sealing myself in my room, I rested my back against the door and slowly slid down to meet the carpet. It took me twenty minutes to walk from Sean's house, but the reality of what I'd just done was only starting to sink in.
Raising my hands to my face, I shielded my eyes as tears blurred my vision. In the space of less than a day, I'd lost two of my friends. Worse than that, I'd actually driven the one who liked me, really liked me, to shouting and swearing at me.
It wasn't something that ever should've happened to me.
I was West, James West. I was smart and confident, kind and friendly, a perfect son and a great older brother. Where did it all go wrong? Where did I go wrong?
My phone chose that instant to start to ring. I let it continue for a moment, and then decided to answer. Pulling it out of my pocket, I squinted down at the screen. It was Harry.
Great. I raised the phone to my ear and cleared my throat. "Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," came Harry's cheerful reply. There was a lot of background noise coming through with his voice. Being almost eleven o'clock, he was must've been in the car on his way back from visiting his relatives.
"Hey."
"I spoke to Tess."
Given his amused tone, I doubted that he was going to say what I'd dreaded, that Tess had told him everything, but it still didn't stop my head from aching in trepidation. "And?"
"You were right, she's going to a New Year's Eve party tonight. She asked if I wanted to go too."
"That's... good."
"Yeah. I figured I'd just ask her, you know, like you said?"
My voice remained lifeless. "That's great."
"Mmhmm, it's over at Sarah's. You should come too."
"I think I'll sit this one out."
"What? West, you have to come."
"I would if I could."
He paused. "What do you mean? Are you ok?"
"Not really. I'm sick with something."
"Like a cold?"
"No, sick as in I-need-a-bucket sick."
"Crap, I'm sorry."
"It's alright. Just... have a good time for the both of us."
"I dunno if I should go now."
"Because of me?"
"Yeah."
Somehow my lips were able to form a smile. "You really are mad, Harry. You practically asked her out. You have to go now."
He sighed. "You sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. And Harry?"
"Yeah?"
"Take some mints with you."
He laughed. "Smartarse. Now go rest and get better."
"Alright. Have a good time."
"Thanks, West. See ya."
Hanging up the phone, I let it rest idly in my hand as my gaze remained focused on the floor. I may have lied to Harry about being sick, but the waves of nausea rocking in my stomach were anything but fictitious.
I wasn't sure how long I stayed sitting beside the door, musing within the silence of my mind over all that had happened. Eventually, I summoned up enough willpower to get up off the floor. Wandering over to my desk, the muscles in my legs and back began to ache from the awkward position I'd been sitting in.
Arriving at my chair, I sat down heavily on the leathered surface and woke my computer from sleep. Once the screen flickered to life, I quickly searched through my personal folders before landing on the one I wanted. Highlighting it, I sent it to the Trash:
WARNING: Do you want to permanently delete the folder 'Ryan'?
Selecting Yes, I watched as a small, blue-coloured bar zipped across the screen, before announcing that it had been deleted.
Closing the window, I opened up the browser and navigated to one of my bookmarks. After logging into the account and clicking through several settings menus, I arrived at the option I was looking for:
WARNING: This will delete the account 'Ryan'. Are you sure you wish to continue?
I hovered the cursor over the Delete button and pressed down without hesitation.
Account Deleted.
Closing the lid of my computer, I sat there in a daze for several minutes, my mind going over everything again and again. Finally, I stood up from the chair and turned back to look down at the desk.
Goodbye, Ryan.
Rolling onto my back, I opened my eyes and stared up at the darkened ceiling. I couldn't sleep. The turbulent thoughts inside my head had begun to lessen in strength, but they were still far too wild to let me to rest.
Following my return from Sean's house, I wanted to be left alone. I decided to recycle my lie about being sick, and shared the detail with my parents when they called me down for dinner. After taking some food back upstairs with me, something I could stomach, I closed and locked my door. I was in for the night.
Sleep had never come easy to me. As a child, my parents often used to say there was no rhyme or reason to my sleeping patterns, something that continued for many years past my peers. As I became older and started school full-time, I began to sleep a little better, but I still couldn't just switch-off as easily as some people. And whenever I had something on my mind, all bets were off.
Closing my eyes, I tried to silence the inside of my head once more, picturing a tranquil landscape, a world where only I existed. No Sean, no Ryan, no one. Just me.
A sudden, bright flash lit up my room, followed by a loud boom coming from outside. Fireworks. Several more instantly began to follow, highlighting my walls in a dazzling spectacle of colour.
Turning onto my side, I pulled the quilt up over my head and squeezed down on my eyelids.
Happy New Year to me.