W H E N S H A D O W
S P A S S
by Sean E. – EkidKy (EKidKy@Hotmail.com)
P E R S O N A L D I S C L A I M
This fictional series contains frank discussions, imagery and scenes between young male teens with subject material that is not appropriate for all people. Although that statement implies young adults of a certain age should refrain or be discouraged from reading, it is my honest belief that the decision should lie with the individual (I know what it was like when I was as young as 13 to 14 years old). This story is intended to be read by all ages, both young and old at heart, who want to find encouragement, understanding and acceptance – especially in this big, busy world where we live. I know society frowns upon what it considers to be the taboos of young people and sex, but I think there is a place – deep inside all of us, throughout life – where we need to feel accepted and wanted.
For guys who feel confused but need to believe in themselves, that is why I write my stories. It is my hope that they can give a teen courage and hope; if it helps even just one individual in some way to know that they are not alone, then it’s worth every effort I make. There is a stigma in our society where young male emotions should always be suppressed: “Grow up!”, “Suck it up, be a man!” and other phrases I’ve heard all my life. Most people seem to think anything to do with boys having feelings and companionship amongst one another should be dammed or something. Well, it wasn’t for me; I was a teen who hid a lot from the world, but also had a lot to give on the inside, and I think as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it is a reality more common than you think. I know because I’ve been there – and surprisingly, at the time of this writing, it was NOT that long ago.
If you find such material objectionable, then obviously you're in the wrong place - and you should move on to other sources for your reading pleasure. Also be warned: if you want the “quickie” – sorry, that isn’t me or my style.
As with most authors, any feedback is encouraged and appreciated: EKidKy@hotmail.com
W H E
N S H A D O W S P A S S
Chapter Six: Picking Up Pieces Is Not Always Easy
There was a sound in the distance – a thump that was out of place in the screaming of the crowd around him. It inadvertently registered just enough to bring Jason out of his slumber to realize that he truly was not in a pool. He was not racing the length of the lane, and he was not competing as fiercely as he had thought, pulling ahead of the other participants and about to stretch to win the match. Once he opened his eyes and got his bearings, Jason realized what he had just missed out on. Closing them tightly, he tried to hang on to the dream, hang on to the feeling of elation that had thrilled his senses so completely. It was no use though; he realized that it was now long gone, and like so many dreams of his past, it would soon be forgotten. Opening his eyes, he groaned and found the room again, filled with a monotonous grey overcast in the early morning light.
Peering through the window to the outside world, he saw little activity from their second floor perch. It appeared as if it had rained most of the night, as everything had a very wet appearance. The wind was gusty once again, racing strongly at times and leaving behind a shrill in its place. As Jason lay back, he noticed a thin layer of frost creeping inward from the corners, and it finally registered upon him that their week of exceptional weather had come to an end. Although fully covered and snuggled up under their quilt, his nose felt cold in the cool room. Sighing, he burrowed deeper to draw on what warmth he could find.
Thinking about the night before, Jason smiled to himself. Somewhere deep down there was a new happiness that gripped him. Thinking back, he realized with a start that Elliot was no longer behind him. Reaching back and finding his friend gone, it dawned on Jason that the thump which awoke him from his dream must have come from the door opening and closing. His own full bladder chose that moment to make its presence known, and he surmised that must have been what happened to Elliot. His own bladder lacked any sense of urgency though, so he only sighed and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling above the bed.
Throughout the night they had both drifted into a peaceful sleep, each either holding or snuggling against the other in some fashion. Jason had lived most of his life sleeping alone until he moved to England. From there he transitioned into a bed with another boy – something not really that strange in any sense as, to him, there were lots of brothers and kids who shared beds in America. There was nothing *wrong* with it in any sense, right? But this had been different, and it was something he had had to adapt to. The first night had not been that bad, after being as exhausted as he was from the trip, but afterwards wasn’t nearly as easy. At first he had been sensitive to the motions they made, the sharing of cover between them, and even to the change when one rolled around or bumped into the other during the night. For the most part Elliot had been great about it, always lying so much more still compared to Jason’s restlessness, and never once complaining. It took a week or more for Jason to settle more comfortably into the arrangement, but then it all changed again…
Jason could not help but smile. There was something about that fateful moment only two nights before – though it seemed so much longer since, now – when he had finally taken hold of Elliot and drew him close. The other youth had never said it outright, never really pushed the issue, but it finally dawned on Jason how much – what did he call it before? Touchy feely, or something like that? – at least, Elliot craved to be closer to him. Why, Jason didn’t know, but when he finally realized it, he saw the hurt and disappointment, and then realized that somewhere, somehow, he was missing out on something too.
Jason remembered how he shut his eyes, when pulling Elliot up close and feeling the other youth behind him. For a few moments it brought another memory behind him as well, but he so wanted to shut it out and cling to what they were sharing, having Elliot actually hold and hug him as if they were inseparable. Whatever transpired in that moment, forced or not, Jason knew it had changed him – and it was because of that trust they exchanged, it led to his dissolving the barriers around him the night before.
What a barrier it had been, too. Since his father had died, Jason had been scared to trust anyone really. From the law enforcement, to the social services, to the foster parents and even to the various doctors and nurses – all of them had let him down. He fled America and it’s so called system because of its intricacies and falsehoods it portrayed. He didn’t know if it would be any better here in England, but he figured it would at least be a chance to start anew.
Starting over was the right choice – he felt sure of that completely and without question. In just a few short weeks, he had gone from being alone, from being a nobody, to at least being a somebody now – and not just anyone. He was with a family now who didn’t treat him like a reject, who didn’t laugh or make fun of him for being who he was – an orphan. He was living with a family he was coming to love, deep down. He saw a lot of similarities between Simon and his own father, and it helped knowing that these people were just more than acquaintances. They were actual family, in a weird sort of way.
And then finally there was Elliot. Jason could not describe what he felt about the youth, or how he felt. He had always been hesitant to use the word ‘love’ with anyone or anywhere. To him, to love somebody was to give them a part of you completely. But wasn’t that what they had just done the night before? There was a physical sharing, born of curiosity and just being kids, he guessed – but wasn’t there something more? Jason had told Elliot his deepest secrets, and the boy had not even flinched, nor preached to him about the merits of finding help. Sure, he suggested Jason think about a few things – and had very sound reasoning to back it up – but more than anything Elliot had accepted Jason for who he was, despite everything that had been done to him.
If that wasn’t a love of sorts, Jason didn’t know what else could define it. It was while he thought about that when the door quietly opened and Elliot sneaked through before closing it. Jason smiled even wider seeing the other youth was as naked as the day he was born, and as Elliot hurried toward the bed, Jason threw the covers back enough so the youth could slip in quickly. Pulling them back up and over, the youth cuddled up to Jason close, causing the American to grimace at the cold skin that mingled with his own nakedness. “Sheesh, you’re freezing!” he whispered as he put his arm around him and pulled him in tightly. He looked down at the youth and smiled yet again. There was a change now in how he looked at the English kid, and no longer did he look upon him as just a friend. Jason felt happy inside – a level of real happiness he hadn’t let himself feel for a long, long time.
Elliot laid his head into the crook of his friends shoulder, wrapping the covers tightly around them as he hooked an arm over Jason’s chest and cuddled in. “It’s c-cold,” he offered, whispering in reply. Seeing the smile on Jason’s face, he smiled back. “What?” he asked, wondering what was going on.
“Nothing, just thinking is all.” Seeing the look of curiosity, he explained. “I don’t see how you can go all the way downstairs naked and everything, I mean, like what if your Mom caught you or something?”
Elliot grinned and then shrugged his shoulders. “Sometimes that’s the adventure though, you know, trying to not get caught!” He giggled. “Still, I guess I’d probably hide or something. It’s too early for them to be up anyways.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “Duh, ‘rents go to the bathroom like we do too, you know!”
Elliot looked at his friend strangely. “Not ours, though. Don’t you know? Mum and Dad have their own bathroom. It’s not as big as the main one downstairs, but…”
Jason was surprised. “No way! I mean, no – I didn’t know, you guys never told me!”
Elliot grinned and then cuddled in tighter. “Well, now you know, doofus, so how about warming me up some more, okay?”
Jason nodded, not speaking at first as he took in the site of Elliot in the morning light. The youth’s hair was extra soft right now as he nuzzled into it, and for some reason it just seemed cool. Right now Jason felt lucky to have his friend there, but luck was really an understatement; he had no idea why he even deserved what he was experiencing right now. “How is you?” he finally asked, knowing his use of the phrase wasn’t exactly proper, but it was an expression that Elliot seemed to like hearing every once in a while, identifying it with the American as something unique between the two of them.
Elliot looked back up and smiled at him. “I is super,” was the quiet response, playing along.
The look in his friend’s eyes reaffirmed to Jason that Elliot was feeling just as happy as he was. “I’m glad.” He paused as he stared at Elliot’s expression before he continued. “Any regrets? You know, about last night?”
“Funny, I was thinking about asking you the same thing,” was the amused retort Elliot offered. Seeing Jason raise an eyebrow at him however, he leaned in quickly and kissed his friend on the lips. Not a soft kiss or lingering for any extended amount of time, but one that it made clear how he felt about it. When he separated and pulled back, he had a pleasant expression on his face. “Regrets?” Elliot repeated. “Fuck no, not me.”
“I like that. I know, it’s weird, maybe stupid… but I like it,” Jason whispered as he hugged his friend even harder.
Elliot nodded. “I know, boys don’t kiss and stuff, especially like we’re doing - but the secret is out: I like it too, at least between you and me.” He grinned widely. “I liked all of it last night though, not just that.”
Jason giggled, thinking back to the other stuff that had happened. “Fuck man, we are in so much trouble if, you know...” He scoffed but pulled Elliot closer as the teen grinned at him in return. Thinking back, Jason recalled how they had re-dressed before Derek got home the night before, and somehow the three of them ended up playing another long game of Monopoly again up until the early hours of the morning. When they finally separated and returned to their room though, both boys had once again undressed each other, this time in the privacy of the darkness – but without the shyness that had accompanied their shower earlier in the evening. Climbing into bed they had masturbated each other again before falling asleep in each other’s arms. The intensity had been strong, but the late night hour combined with their exhaustion of the day had taken its toll. “I liked it too, all of it – last night I mean,” Jason finally replied, his voice still soft.
Elliot laid his head upon his friend’s shoulder again. “Good, I’m glad. I was afraid you might, like, be having second thoughts or something.”
Jason quietly shook his head no. “Nope, never, nada, no way.” He sighed. “The only thoughts I have is how do we, like, control this stuff between you and me, you know?”
Elliot looked into his friend’s eyes and found not worry or concern, but something else he could not quite place. “Do you trust me?” he asked gently, already knowing the answer but using the expression for good measure.
Jason stared back at him. “How can you still ask me that?” he asked, bewildered.
For some reason Elliot giggled. “No doofus, I mean… look, nothing has really changed between us, not to anyone else anyway - except maybe we’re a little happier or closer is all. At least I’m happier – no, I’m serious Jase” he pressed when he saw the look of incredulity cross the American teen’s expression. “I’m not afraid of letting people see us, umm, you know, hanging out closer and stuff. Some things are okay, you know? Some stuff isn’t frowned on so much like it is where you come from. I mean, we don’t want to act gay or anything, but – you understand? I don’t know how to explain it, just – like I said, some stuff is okay. Just kind of, you know, follow my lead some, that’s all. You’ll see it’s not so bad hanging out, bumping into each other, goofing off and all that. The rest of this stuff though…” He paused as he moved his free hand over Jason’s body, feeling his way around until he found Jason’s soft groin and cupped it to make his point. Inwardly it gave him a thrill when the other youth didn’t try to roll or pull away; if anything, he detected the slightest smile on Jason’s lips as he continued. “The rest of this stuff only happens in here though, in our room. And I mean it that way too, okay? It’s OUR room – not my room, not your room – but OUR room. In here, I don’t care what happens, so long as we trust each other. Understand?”
Jason nodded and smiled. “That can work mostly, I think. Um, what about the showers and stuff, though? Remember, that’s sort of what got us in trouble to start with.”
Elliot rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know - me and my big mouth and everything.” He grinned when Jason pinched the top of his butt from underneath the covers. “We might have to be careful some, that’s all. I mean, it’s not too often we get left alone, you know.” A bemused expression crossed his face. “You mean you would shower with me again, even after last night? It wasn’t like, a one-time thing or …?”
It was Jason’s turn to roll his eyes. “I refuse to answer on the grounds you’ll incriminate me,” he replied, which made the English teen laugh at him. Their eyes met however, and Jason smiled at him. “Answer me something, honest: did I really surprise you that much?”
Elliot hesitated, thinking about how it all went down. “Kind of; I mean, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think you were so much a prude anymore or anything, you kind of convinced me of that, but… I don’t know Jase, I just – believe me or not, I was scared.”
Jason wrinkled his nose. “Really? How come?”
“I don’t know, I mean, you know me – I can get hyper sometimes and stuff, and well… We were just really beginning to get to know each other, you know? I mean, I wanted to kind of do something, partly to get you sort of use to the way things are with guys over here and stuff, you know? Not be bashful and everything, but I wanted something more, too – I was just scared if I went too far, maybe too fast – even with something simple like the shower and everything – I was scared you might end up hating me.”
“No way! Why would I hate you? Sheesh!”
Elliot wouldn’t let it go though. “Because getting naked is one thing Jase, but getting close and… and…” He didn’t have to finish the sentence as he saw Jason smile in understanding. “I never in a hundred years thought you would do anything more than maybe, you know, just jump in a shower with me, you know? But last night, you did so much more than I ever dreamed. I mean, taking each other’s clothes off, and hugging me and washing me and… and… touching…” The last came as a whisper, and as he realized he was still cupping his friend’s groin, he slowly withdrew and pulled his hand away.
Jason giggled and nodded at him. “Yeah, I know what you mean, kind of. Honest, I don’t think I ever thought that much of doing it until we just, you know, we just did it.” He reached under the cover and found Elliot’s hand; there he held it for a second before pulling it back and resting it on top of where it had been. He was nowhere near any kind of an erected state, but he thought it was cool that his friend was being so open about everything. “You want to know the truth? I was sort of scared, too. I mean, I’ve never done anything like it before, and just – I don’t know, different times I sort of got the impression you wanted to do something, and I’m glad you did, honest, and somehow – it just all happened, you know?”
“Even the sex stuff?” Elliot asked, his voice barely a whisper.
Jason wrinkled his nose. “Especially the sex stuff.”
“Told ya,” Elliot replied, grinning. “Like I said, you just – you just shocked me I guess.”
“Not as much as you shocked me,” Jason replied. Seeing the question on Elliot’s face, his voice fell to a whisper. “You know, when you sucked my dick …”
Elliot smiled back at him. “It was cool,” he replied as he shifted his position and half lay his head propped upon Jason’s chest. “I’m glad you liked it and didn’t beat me away with a bat or anything.”
Jason stared back into the blue eyes that met him. “I wouldn’t do that.”
“Um, you did like it, right?”
Jason rolled his eyes again and pinching Elliot’s bare butt again. “Good grief, you ask the dumbest questions sometimes!”
Elliot grinned back. “So do you!” They both observed the other with a knowing look before he leaned in closer. “I think you like my arse,” he teased, which made Jason giggle before hugging the youth all the tighter. Elliot lay his head down and listened to Jason’s heartbeat for a moment before he spoke again. “Jase? Honest man, I don’t care what you ask me, just so long as you know you can ask me anything. And I don’t care about the sex stuff either; we can do anything or nothing – just so long as I don’t lose this thing between us, at least not for a while, okay?”
Jason stared at the youth with a look of amusement. “What if I want to do stuff?”
Elliot grinned back at him. “I kind of hoped you would say that,” he answered, again in a hushed whisper. “It’s kind of cool having someone to sort of figure things out with.”
Jason stared back. “No kidding,” he whispered. “So, I can ask you anything, right?”
“Okay, then tell me some about you and Derek.”
Elliot looked up and grinned. “Okay, what do you want to know?”
Jason studied for a moment. “You two have done stuff – THAT much I know now. Is that where you, like, learned things, or…?”
Elliot wrinkled his nose before he replied. “Some things, yeah, but umm… some things I kind of learned from listening to the guys at school, you know, locker room stuff, showers, places like that.”
Jason’s eyes got bigger. “No shit? Are you serious? Guys talk about, about… that stuff and everything? I mean, I’ve heard sex stuff, mostly girls stuff and everything, but… guys?”
Elliot laughed. “I told ya, you got some things to learn.” Settling his chin down on his arms, he stared into Jason’s eyes. “You really don’t think guys mess around and stuff much, do you?”
Jason blushed with embarrassment. “Where I come from, if you even hint at any kind of gay stuff you would end up living in hell for the rest of your life. I mean, like I said, all I ever heard was talk about how guys would get their feel of girls boobs or some pussy or… Sorry,” he added, clearly embarrassed at his choice of words.
Elliot grinned at him. “You think I don’t know about pussy and cunts and breasts and tits and…”
Jason laughed. “Okay, okay! You know what I mean though. Guys like to brag sometimes, about knocking someone up, you know, screwing someone, but honest, I never heard of anyone talking about doing stuff with another guy or anything. If something like that ever got out, it would probably be even worse than hell, you know?” He shook his head. “You were right I think, a lot of American kids ARE prudes and everything.”
Elliot studied his friend for a moment before replying. “Maybe, but I got news for you Jase, some guys still do it. Don’t get me wrong, okay? They won’t advertise it or anything, mostly because of the same things you just said, but I promise you – there are lots of blokes who do. Maybe with their best friends, or cousins or, I don’t know, but they do. I’m not saying everyone does, because lots of guys just don’t – but you would be surprised at what you notice sometimes if you’re looking out and just listening.”
Jason stared at him. “How do you mean?”
Elliot studied for a moment. “Like, I was riding the bus a couple weeks ago on a field trip, and these dudes sitting behind me were talking about how they would love to feel up this girl or that, and somehow one of them was teasing the other, telling him it would be hilarious to see how his red patch would look mingled with some girls black patch.” He grinned. “You know what I mean by patch, right?”
Jason’s eyes went wide. “Pubes, right?” When Elliot nodded, Jason let out a low whistle. “What the heck, his ‘red’ patch? You mean, guys can have red pubes? No shit?”
Elliot giggled as he nodded. “Yep! If we ever follow Derek back into the dressing rooms after one of his games sometime, you’ll see, but yeah, guys can have black, brown, red, even blond ones, I think.”
Elliot nodded again. “But just think about it Jase, these dudes were talking about something like that, oh and yeah – one of them was a red head, you know? So how is it the other guy knew the dude had red pubes?”
Jason thought for a few seconds. “Well, gym class maybe?”
Elliot considered that answer but shook his head. “Not likely, I think both blokes were from different grades – but you might be right. It doesn’t matter though, the red headed dude just laughed, he didn’t deny it or anything – he just went along.”
“Maybe all red headed guys have red pubes.”
Elliot shook his head. “Nope, trust me on that one.” He grinned when he saw Jason’s annoyance. “I’ve been in showers Jase, with as many as 15 or more kids at a time. Trust me – I’ve seen lots of red-headed guys, and their pubes are as black or brown as yours and mine.”
Jason grinned at his friend. “So, you’re a looker I guess.” He shook his head and sighed. “We could never do that in America, not in my school anyway. I mean, my classes never had showers or anything, but I think if you got caught looking, you were dead meat.”
Elliot shrugged his shoulders. “Not here. I mean, no one is going to go and pull out their plumbing and say ‘hey, look at what I got here!’ or anything.” They both giggled at that before Elliot settled close to his friend again. “It’s like I tried to tell you, there is nothing gay about being curious. You don’t want to like, just openly stare at someone or anything, but seriously, its’ okay to let your eyes kind of, you know, float around the room or the showers and stuff. Some guys strut their stuff, like all proud and everything, like they want to be looked at or noticed; other guys are sort of shy, always wearing towels and stuff, but even then, in the showers they don’t try to really hide or anything. In the end everyone ends up seeing everyone else most of the time, you know?”
“Do people get boners? You know – hard-ons?”
Elliot nodded. “All the time, sometimes full mast, sometimes half-mast… lots of kids who are just entering puberty especially, you know, maybe grade 6 or grade 7. Nobody makes fun of anyone though – well, mostly anyway. Sometimes guys will kid around some, maybe crack a joke like ‘Extra short on the plumbing today’, or you know, if someone is really boned up, maybe ‘who’s the hot date with tonight? Want to make it a threesome?’, or some crap like that.”
“Wow,” Jason replied in amazement as he contemplated what Elliot was telling him.
“See? That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, in a round-about way. It’s different here I think, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about or anything.” A gleam entered his eye as he added in a whisper. “Trust me, you look pretty cool down there, even if you aren’t natural.”
Jason was amused. “Maybe.” He shook his head and grinned widely before sighing. “You do too, I guess. Not that I would know – the only other real dick I’ve ever seen is the one we saw on TV the other night, and it was… uh… not that great.”
Elliot laughed as he watched Jason make a face. “Well, if you stay with me long enough, I promise you’ll get to compare a lot more, especially with peeps our own age. You might even get to see some girls too, if you want.”
Jason laughed out loud at that one before catching himself. “I don’t think I’m really interested in girls right now.” He got quiet as Elliot watched him with curiosity, before he cleared his throat and tried to explain. “I mean, I don’t know… It’s like, no one’s ever been interested in me, that’s all, and I’ve never had much-“ He stopped as Elliot put a finger to Jason’s lips, silencing him.
“Jase, don’t worry about it. I’m not worried about you, and you’re not worried about me, right? This sex stuff between us, it’s just stuff, but it’s more personal and everything, it’s us, right? It will probably stop sometime, I know that – but while we have it, while we’re cool on it and everything, I don’t give a fuck about worrying whether I’m gay or anything else. I think I’m just curious, you know? Maybe even bi, but who cares – I just know I trust you, and you trust me, so I don’t care. Like I told you before – if it feels so right, how can it be all that wrong, you know?”
The American nodded. “Bi?” That was a new term to Jason.
Elliot rolled over so that he climbed up and lay on top of Jason. He crossed his arms and settled on his friend’s chest. “Yeah, I think that’s what Derek told me once, something like bisexual. It means you like girls, or at least are not afraid of them or anything, and you like guys too, or at least you’re not afraid of them. Kind of a neutral ground, but in a good way.”
Jason thought about that and then nodded. “Makes sense, in a weird way I guess.”
Elliot stared deep into the other youth’s eyes. “I’m not afraid of you,” he whispered.
“I’m not afraid of you either,” was the whispered reply.
Elliot smiled, then slowly leaned in and kissed his friend again, this time lingering for a moment and opening himself up so that they could play tongue-hockey for a bit. They continued for a moment before breaking. “That’s something else you did that really surprised me last night.”
Jason smiled but said nothing at first, instead leaning up to meet his friend’s lips again. This time however he only lightly pressed upon them for a few seconds before pulling back and rubbing his friend’s nose with his own. “I kind of surprised myself, too. Before last night, I would never have kissed another guy, especially like that.”
Elliot nodded. “Me neither.” The returning grin was all he needed. “I’m glad you asked me, though.”
Jason nodded. “I asked because I trusted you.”
“And I answered because I trusted you, too.”
Jason giggled. “Some answer.” Smiling, he added, “I’m glad you answered.”
“Yeah, I am too.”
In the silence that followed they watched each other, lost in their own thoughts but smiling because of the moment. Jason finally broke the silence and giggled, renewing his curiosity. “So, you and Derek? I mean, brothers…?”
Elliot smiled wistfully. “Yeah, me and Derek have done some stuff.” Seeing the curiosity there, he sighed. “We’ve sucked each other, you know, stroked each other off.” He hesitated, looking deep into Jason’s eyes. “Don’t get me wrong Jase, I love my brother, you know I do. There are just some things we are really close about. So yeah, he taught me some of this stuff and everything – but it was just, you know, sex stuff. He didn’t teach me anything about what it feels like to hold or be held, or to kiss or share things like you and I did. It’s not like serious stuff, we just – you know, used to mess around sometimes.”
Jason nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me everything; I mean, I know you two have to have moments and stuff too.”
Elliot nodded. “There’s been a few times he’s not a pain in the arse.” When Jason giggled at him, he cocked his head to one side. “What?”
“You guys and the arse thing!” That brought him a pinch from Elliot and both ended up laughing.
“Yeah, I know, you guys love to say ass, but to us an ass is a donkey, not a butt!”
“Okay, okay… point taken!” Jason replied. He slipped both arms around his friend and they lay pleasantly, each gazing upon the other before Jason whispered, “Do you two still do stuff?”
Elliot shrugged his shoulders. “Not really. I mean, I’ve climbed into his lap a few times, he pinches my butt, we hug sometimes… but all of that’s different. It’s not sex stuff, you know? It’s just being brothers, and he has always like, I don’t know, always watched out for me when he isn’t wrapped up with his friends and stuff.” He thought about it for a few seconds. “The last time he and I did anything was when I wanked him off, ummm, a few months ago I guess. “ Elliot watched the other youth, suddenly cautious. “Um, is that, like, going to be something between us? You know, something bad?”
“Why would you think that?” Jason asked, frowning at his friend.
“I don’t know Jase, I just … You knowing me and Derek have done stuff, you know, I just don’t want it to be something between you and me, that’s all. I don’t want you to think me weird, or him or anything.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “I think all three of us are weird!” Giggling, he hugged his friend, bringing his hands to the small of Elliot’s back as he held him close. “I promise, I’m not jealous or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Staring at the ceiling for a few seconds, he looked back down at his friend with a mischievous grin. “So, just Derek, or have you…?”
Elliot shook his head. “I told you that last night – me and Derek, and now me and you. No one else.”
Jason nodded. “You’re right, sorry – I forgot.” A shy look crossed his features. “So, Derek, is he like, really big down there and stuff?”
Elliot grinned back at the American. “Yeah, he’s bigger, a LOT bigger – and hairier and stuff, too.” He wrinkled his nose. “Didn’t you notice in the shower the other day?”
Jason shook his head. “Nope, the doors were too foggy and stuff, plus – I didn’t really, like…”
Elliot had that knowing look. “You were afraid to look, weren’t you?” When Jason slowly nodded his head sheepishly, Elliot relaxed and stared down into the American’s eyes. “Just look some time, he won’t care, honest. He probably even hopes to check you out sometime.” He grinned. “If you’re lucky, you might even catch him naked in his room or somewhere. He’s… I don’t know, in some ways he’s pretty cool looking, for a guy I mean - for a brother. Just don’t tell him I said that, though!” Elliot propped his chin in his hands. “All my life I’ve always horsed around with him, catching him in showers, throwing glasses of cold water on him, stuff like that, and he has always horsed around with me. Once when I was little he and Jimmy, that’s one of his friends, stripped me naked and held me upside down in the shower with cold water running down over my balls and everything. I mean, we always goof off sometimes, you know? THAT was cold though!”
Jason nuzzled his friend again. “It really doesn’t bother you guys then?”
“Nope, especially not family,” Elliot replied. He looked up again and peered at his friend. “And don’t forget, you’re family now too, bro. Not that we'd ever do that cold shower thingy to you, but I'm just saying, you know... we like you and everything - both of us - a lot.”
Jason nodded. “I know,” he whispered. “I don’t think you could ever know how happy that makes me feel inside.”
“You’re wrong. I mean, I can’t really know it, because I’ve never been where you’re at – but trust me, I know how I feel inside, and I know how happy I am right now, and it’s like I told you last night. You trusting me, and willing to share stuff and let me share stuff with you – it’s like a dream or something.” He grunted. “I’m afraid you’ll keep pinching my butt back there and I’ll wake up and find it really is all just a dream.”
Jason giggled and then stretched, reaching down until he could get a sizable handle on his friend’s butt cheek. Squeezing it tightly he whispered, “Not a chance.” They cuddled in silence for a few minutes before Jason finally broke the silence. “Thanks man, for everything. These little talks and stuff, it just makes me like you more.”
Elliot responded by hugging the boy tighter. “I love you, you know that, right? Just don’t be afraid of me. Be afraid of anything else here you want, just don’t be afraid of me.” He finally looked up and grinned. “Okay, maybe a little, but…”
Jason giggled but stared back at him. “We’ll make it work.”
“Damn straight we will. I mean it though, okay? If you ever get mad at me or annoyed or anything, just – in here, at least our bed, truce, okay? No matter what.”
“That sounds pretty serious,” Jason replied while studying the youth.
Elliot nodded. “Yeah, I know it does, but not any more than anything else we’ve talked about. I just – nobody’s perfect Jase, you know that – especially me. I can take it if we fight and stuff sometimes, I mean, it happens, okay? Even me and Derek… I just don’t want to even think about how it would feel if anything worse came between you and me is all. At least in here, we can still be friends, even if we don't talk or anything, okay? We can still not be afraid of one another. We can still try to like one another.” Elliot laughed. "Listen to me, I'm rambling - that probably didn't make any sense, did it?"
Jason nodded. “Yeah, it did. I promise, Elliot. I’m not perfect either; I make mistakes, too.” He slowly pushed his arms around the other youth and pulled him close. “Elliot? Just so you know, last night – I don’t think that was a mistake, okay? I’m glad we did it.”
Elliot grinned at him as he hugged his friend back. “No regrets?”
“Asked and answered,” was the giggled reply. “No regrets, I promise.” He ran his hands up and down his friends back. “God, I wish you knew how good this feels to me, you laying on top of me, feeling you all the way up and down…”
Elliot grinned at him. “Our dicks making out,” he added in a whisper.
Jason smiled and thrust himself upwards a little in response. “Yeah, that too… everything, Elliot! It feels… if feels – fuck, I don’t know how to describe it, it just feels so awesome!” he breathed, his whisper almost out of breath.
Elliot whispered back. “Don’t you think I know?”
They lay for a few minutes before Jason finally sighed and pushed his friend away gently. “Okay, enough serious stuff for a while. My turn to empty my bladder. What are we gonna do today, anyway?” he asked as he crawled from the covers and began looking for his briefs.
Elliot handed both briefs and a t-shirt to his friend. “No idea, weather outside is crappy. Dad’s home though, he might take us up to the mall or somewhere. Hey - want to go see a movie?”
Jason grinned. “That would be cool, if you think we can afford it,” he replied as he pulled on a pair of sweats and left the room.
- + - + - + -
What started as another normal day was anything but. After being away for more than a week, students were alighting early from their homes all over the city, in an attempt to make their way towards the school. Although a few students relished the opportunity the return to school and thus a normal day, others were far less enthusiastic. It was hard to get up at the early hour, including those in the Flavell household, and all three boys fell behind as they dressed and slowly made their way downstairs to a hasty breakfast before leaving for classes.
Entering the school, both Elliot and Jason made it to their classroom just as the second bell sounded, immediately drawing disapproving looks from their English teacher. Before she could remark however, two girls rushed in behind them, drawing her attention away for the moment. Silently Jason grunted, glad that for once neither he nor Elliot would be receiving the brunt of their teacher’s ire, should any be forthcoming – or so he thought.
For some reason, Mrs. Crabtree seemed to seek him out that morning, not that it was any real surprise. Since his first day in class, she had found some reason or another to single him out for the most callous of things. Some days were better than others, but there were a lot of times when the lady got down to business in a whole new way, pointing out so much the error of his ways. If he had not known better, he thought he could glimpse an occasional look of triumph in her voice, and a gleam in her eye.
“Everyone should be seated immediately, with no talking by now. Miss Garmon, if you want to keep that mobile, I had better not ever see it again – and I do mean ever.” Glancing over the crowd, she paused as yet another pair of students slipped through the open doorway and quickly took their seat. With a frown as deep as one could ever invite, she addressed the class in a tone as cold as the frost that was collected in the classroom windows. “Now, for once I will make an exception, this being the first day back from break, but be forewarned young ladies and gentlemen: the door to this classroom will shut on the second bell, and if you are late, you will NOT be permitted to enter. You would do well to report to the office and get a pass for the library.”
Turning to her desk, the elderly lady picked up a stack of papers. “These are your reports, dismal as they may be, stacked highest to lowest in scores ranging from 94% to 43%. As I call your name, I want you to come forth and get them, and then I want each of you who scored below 70% to turn in a second report to me by the first of class tomorrow, entitled ‘Why I Failed To Do My Homework’. One lucky trouper will have the distinguished honor of reading that report to the class, so I suggest you take the time and attack it with some diligence, wouldn’t you say?”
The last words were delivered just as the elderly lady’s eyes connected with Jason’s with intensity beyond any he had experienced yet. Instantly it filled the youth with a feeling of dread, and knowing his personal history, short lived as it was, within this class was already on shaky ground, this event made it feel even worse. As he watched, slowly students began moving to collect their papers as their names were called. Somewhere in the middle of the group Elliot was called, and when he looked at the paper he smiled widely, turning it to show Jason the 85% score he had received. Jason smiled weakly, happy for his friend, but knowing deep down already he would not be so lucky.
Scotty Beaker, a youth in their class who was known time and again for being one of the weaker students when it came to reading and writing in English, looked up from his perch at the side of the room. He was the only one in the school Jason had seen thus far to be bound to a wheelchair, a condition due to a weakened spinal column, or so he had been told. Jason felt guilty as he realized he was holding out hope that the student would have been the recipient of the lowest grade, but all were surprised when, roughly two-thirds of the way through the class, his name was called. As he wheeled forward, Mrs. Crabtree met him half-way, purportedly to alleviate the complications the youth would encounter reaching her desk. She handed him his paper with a curious remark that surprised most everyone. “It would appear something must be sinking into that thick scull of yours Mr. Beaker. Congratulations.”
Scotty turned his paper over and then suddenly let out a whoop. “74%? I got a 74% Holy shit!” the youth excitedly intoned, drawing an immediate look of disdain from the elderly lady. The rest of the class snickered in the background as the teacher gazed at him in a stern manner.
“I do believe Mr. Beaker that the good Almighty does not think poop is considered ‘holy’ – but your enthusiasm might make an interesting case in this instance.” This drew a round of raucous laughter from the rest of the classroom as the youth, red-faced but still extremely proud of his accomplishment, wheeled back into his allotted corner. Many of the students he passed in route slapped him on the back or offered other words of congratulations.
Jason, however, had by this time felt the pit in the bottom of his stomach open and try to swallow him whole. As the few remaining papers were delivered across the classroom, Mrs. Crabtree made a rather insistent clearing of her throat when she reached the final paper. Many in the classroom fell silent as she handed it to Jason with an all knowing smirk crossing her features. At first Jason ignored the paper being handed him, choosing instead to meet the woman’s gaze head on – not so much in defiance, but in holding his ground he felt he was sending an equal message in return: I will not let you get to me. After several seconds, he finally accepted the paper slowly, still meeting the gaze that attempted to pierce him.
The reaction was not what the teacher expected, so she decided to take a more direct approach. “Well, I don’t suppose you have anything to say for yourself, MISTER Mathews?” With the emphasis she placed on his name, he could not help but feel the gathering of a lump in his throat – a lump which, in fact, prevented him from finding any words he could provide in response.
Disappointed at the ensuing silence, Mrs. Crabtree grunted as she spun on her heel and returned to the front of the class. Addressing the students, her voice carried distinct annoyance. “Personally, I would have thought the text among the simplest that exists, certainly in context to the modern era. It would appear that some people have no problem grasping the dynamics of early prose…” She lingered as she observed the Beaker teen again, but eventually turned her gaze back to Jason. “…while others must be coddled and nurtured to have any opinions they can offer for themselves.”
Elliot was clearly struggling to contain his rising anger, shaking his head a few times before he was called out. “You have something to say Mr. Flavell?”
Looking up, he paused only to steady the irritation in his voice before speaking. “How can you honestly say that? That book is almost 400 pages of some of the weirdest writing I’ve ever seen, and we’ve spent weeks going through it a little at a time to dissect it. Jason got only two weeks at best to pick it up in the middle, with no help other than what I could do part of the way. Yet you fail his grade because of – what?”
“Careful young man, I warn you I will not tolerate grandstanding in this classroom,” Mrs. Crabtree replied in a cold, monotonous voice full of barely controlled anger.
“Grandstanding? I’m grandstanding because I’m answering your question? What the hell…?”
Mrs. Crabtree expression turned sharply upon the youth. “Gather your things and march to the headmaster’s office this instant! I’ll have no student addressing me in such a frivolous manner Mr. Flavell! How dare you!”
Elliot stood up. “How…?“ The youth started to retort, but suddenly hushed as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning, he was surprised to see Jason staring at the elderly lady, but yet at the same time firmly squeezing as if sending a message to his friend. The silence deafened around them yet again, and all three stood for several seconds before Jason let go and quietly spoke to his friend. “It’s okay, I can look after myself.”
Elliot, defeated by the moment, slowly stacked his books and quietly left the room as he was instructed, but not without throwing a look of utter contempt at the elderly lady in passing. Her gaze followed the youth until the door slammed shut behind him. Raising an eyebrow, she spoke bemusedly to the class while she moved to stand behind her desk. “If I didn’t know better Mr. Mathews, I would say your lady friend has a rather caustic crush on you.” This brought a lot of mixed reactions around the room, some students gasping in shock while others snickering and offering catcalls to punctuate the moment.
Jason however, who had yet to sit back down by this point, found the moment to be curious. Wrinkling his nose, he addressed the elderly lady. “Lady friend? Excuse me madam, but did you just refer to Elliot as – as a girl?”
The knowing gloat that crossed her face at that moment told Jason he had not been mistaken, and as the students continued murmuring amongst themselves, he knew she was trying to goad him. He decided two could play at this game however. “I guess what they say must be true then,” he offered nonchalantly as he returned to sitting in his seat.
The classroom fell once again to a deafening silence as the elderly lady slowly frowned upon the youth. “THEY say? My dear young man, if you believe you can spar words with me-“
“Oh, no madam, not with an all-knowing English expert as yourself. With all due respect, I was just referring to the fact many people say and believe that the first thing to go with age is one’s eyesight, so if you truly believe Elliot to be a girl, then…”
A new round of snickering, laughs and catcalls erupted within the room as most broke out with a new round of laughter at the exchange. That is – until they observed the cold expression that crossed Mrs. Crabtree’s face.
- + - + - + -
Jason’s mood had turned considerably sour for the remainder of the day. Elliot was nowhere to be found throughout the rest of their classes that afternoon. As he slowly progressed from one class to the next, he could feel the many eyes that fell upon him throughout the hallways and rooms. Many students whispered amongst themselves, gathering details as the news spread like wildfire. Most of the girls he noticed seemed to regard him with an ambiance of sympathy, or at least with an air of indifference.
The guys reacted differently though, and in fact Jason considered their reactions to reflect more of what he expected American teens to do. Taunts and snickering could be heard in varying places, whispered conversations that, when combined with furtive looks in his directions, made clear the topic at hand. Some of the youths sidestepped the whole issue, caring to not be involved as much as possible, and that was fine with Jason. Others however, made it more difficult: “So, you and Flavell are a team?” “Did you give Crap-apple some arse to chew on?” “When is the big showdown going down?”
Overall Jason was okay with the taunting, but he was uncomfortable with how rapidly the rumors were spreading. As the day progressed, he was getting even more uncomfortable with Elliot’s absence. What had happened to his friend? For once, the harsh reality of how much he was becoming dependent upon Elliot hit home. Although walking about what was now familiar territory, without his friend he felt the isolation. Compound that with the weird stares and reactions of the other students, he knew he was standing out like a sore thumb now, and it was THAT which unsettled him the most.
He was wrapped up in these thoughts as he headed for the last period of the day, but before reaching the history classroom, he heard his name called out. Surprised he looked up in the general direction he thought it came from, but could see no individual singling him out. He was about to turn and move through the doorway when he felt a tug at his side. Looking down suddenly, he saw the youth in the wheelchair from earlier that morning. “Yo man, what’s up? You look like crap!”
Jason looked down at Scotty Beaker, his eyes unfocussed as he hesitated before shrugging his shoulders. “Guess I don’t feel that well,” he offered as a weak excuse. He glanced at the doorway, unsure if he could make a clean break or not without offending the youth.
To his surprise however, the other youth began wheeling for the doorway as well. “You’re not letting Crap-Apple get to you, are you? Man, you got some brass ones, I’ll give you that, but she had it coming to her!” They reached the doorway and for the first time, Jason noticed that – strange as it seemed – both of them shared the same scheduled classroom. As if dazed, he suddenly remember noticing in past sessions a boy at the back of the room in a wheelchair, but it had never dawned upon him until just then they were one and the same.
Leading the way, Scotty entered the room and, once far enough inside that Jason had followed him, he turned. “What say you come back here with me today? Maybe we’ll get to chat a little.”
Jason considered the request and then shrugged his shoulders. From the beginning he had been sitting near the front each day as he had no shared interest with the rest of the class. Not exactly rejects in any sense of the word, but it was obvious most of the students in attendance were not exactly academically inclined. The course was designed to give students history, but with a little latitude when it came to certain aspects of English culture, not having to remember dates and places and people so much as the adventure, or the significance of events. Although Jason had anxiety at first, he actually found it interesting learning about European life – a far cry in theory than history of the US and how the states were born, the civil war and everything else that went into American history repeated year after year.
When they reached the back, Scotty turned and wheeled up into an alcove that had been neatly arranged to accommodate him. Settling in, he indicated an open seat next to him Jason sat down. “Yeah, Crap-Apple really lost her virginity this morning, if you ask me. I mean, she really stepped over the line. What about that Flavell guy, ever see him afterwards?”
At first Jason smiled at the odd remark, but upon hearing Elliot’s name, his face re-masked itself into an unreadable expression. “No, he’s not been in any of our classes.”
Scotty nodded. “Right, so he probably got suspended for the day, which even adds more of a bad rap to the keg.” Looking over, he studied the American. “You okay? Seriously dude, you look like somebody pulled you out of a sewer or something! At least you don’t smell like one, thank God!”
Jason gazed back at the youth for a full half-minute before just shrugging his shoulders and looking down. “I guess I am, just – unsettled I guess.”
“Well, take it from someone who has been on Crabtree’s shit list all year – she’s a rough one. Most of the staff can’t tolerate her, but the system keeps her because she is almost ready for retirement I think. She pisses everybody off in one way or another.”
Jason smiled a little at that revelation. “Well, at least you got her better side this morning.”
“Hell yes!” Scotty replied, laughing. “I’ve been failing her for most of the term, or at least on the edge of it. Honestly I think she just gave me a better grade to pull my average up, that way she can pass me out of the class – but fuck yeah, I’ll take those scores any day!” He saw the American giggle and he quickly put it together. “What’s wrong, you Yanks aren’t used to swearing over in the States?”
In a low voice, Jason shook his head and replied, “Yeah, lots of guys do, just not used to hearing it over here so much.”
“Ah well, piss and pee, it’s all the same, that’s what my old man says. Of course, I do tend to watch my verbs a little more around these elderly women.” Reaching out, he extended his hand toward the other youth. “Don’t think we’ve ever really introduced ourselves, Scotty Beaker here.”
Jason smiled and took the hand and firmly grasped it. Unlike America, youths here seemed to have no inhibitions with this old custom. “Jason, Jason Mathews.”
“Good to meet you, sort of. I mean, officially that is.”
Jason cocked his head sideways as he observed the youth. “Your accent is a little different. I don’t mean that like, in a bad way, just…”
Scotty nodded. “No worries, it’s cool, and yeah, I grew up in Scotland for about 7 years before my family we got moved here. My Dad is in the military, so we get moved around a lot. I guess we were there long enough for me to pick up the local habits and stuff.”
Jason nodded as well. “That’s cool. So, if I can ask, like where are you from?”
Scotty raised both eyebrows in surprise. “Um, America actually – like you, I’m 100% US born, so is the rest of the family, I think.”
“Really? That is cool then, I didn’t know there were any other American kids here!”
“No shit? There are more actually, about 10-12 of us that I know of, I think. Most are here with their families, sort of on an exchange program and all like us, but there are others too. Um, I think probably they are in the older grades though, so you probably would not get to see them as often.” He leaned back just as the bell rang, but as the teacher was absent from the room he continued. “So how about you, what brings you to her Majesty’s merry old court and all that?”
“Umm, I lost my Dad last Spring, so I came over to live with my relatives.” Jason answered in a detached voice, though uncertain at first. It was the first time he had summarized it to any degree for anyone else here in the school.
Scotty grunted as he nodded in understanding. “Bugger, mate. I understand though.” He paused as realization crossed him. “The Flavell bunch? Elliot and Derek, I think?” When Jason nodded, he whistled. “Okay, that explains a great many things, I think.” Seeing the curiosity on Jason’s face, he explained. “Well, you and Elliot have been pretty attached since you got here, and not that there is anything wrong with that, but I think some of the guys were wondering about it. Then after the battle axe showed her tits this morning, I’m afraid she may have planted some other ideas into some heads, if you gather what I mean.”
Jason frowned, but nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I know.” Looking at the boy with a close scrutiny, he asked. “So, peeps think stuff, is that what’s going around the school all day?”
Scotty laughed. “You got a lot to learn about English culture man,” the youth replied in a low voice. “But, to answer your question, no – kids don’t always fly off and assume things quite that quick. Yeah, a few rumors have started, but most of us discard them right away. Honestly mate, you’re kind of a quiet type, so most peeps probably don’t think that much about you. Which is fine – but the more they know about just the basic things will go a long ways in handling stuff like that. Take that name for instance – your surname is different from the Flavell’s, right? So it would be hard for anyone to really figure out you’re related some way without asking, right?”
Jason thought about that and then smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess I never thought about it like that.” He sighed. “Thanks man, I mean – just, thanks.”
Scotty nodded. “Don’t get too wound up over it, a few days and things will shake out.”
“I doubt that,” Jason replied, shaking his head. “Crabtree is giving me hell right now.”
“She does sometimes have a way with things, I know. Afraid I can’t help you much on that end though, I have my own problems dealing with her. If it’s any consolation however, I hear she is rough on all foreigners, though – not just me and you. Almost like she is prejudice or something, but if you watch her carefully, she always seems to stop before she crosses the line.”
“She didn’t this morning though, did she… stop, I mean.”
“No, she didn’t. That’s bothersome, too. She tried to out you two as being gay or something, or at least insinuate it – and that was bloody wrong. You came back on her though mate – and I personally thought it was bloody brilliant! Better than anything I could have come up with! And to beat it all, you did it on HER level, where it struck her chord!”
Jason wrinkled his nose before just shrugging his shoulders. “I guess. Didn’t do me a whole lot of good though, did it.”
Scotty observed the youth before remarking. “You’ll handle it okay. Elliot will help you, I know, but if you need another hand, let me know. I won’t promise the right verse or prose, but I’m sure the two of you can iron out the kinks and all.”
Jason looked over at the youth, grateful for the offer, but was unable to respond because at that instant the teacher entered the classroom and a hushed silence crossed over the group. The rest of the hour was lost in details of long forgotten wars – a subject that most of the time interested Jason.
But not today. Today his thoughts wandered to the absence of his newfound brother…
… and the road that lay ahead of him.
Comments to: EKidKy@hotmail.com
Other series by me:
- The Bully and The
Bullied (A novel)
(www.Nifty.org, Gay – High School section, Early-Mid 2009)
- One Autumn Weekend (A
(www.Nifty.org, Gay – High School section, February 2010)
- Life’s Road of
(www.Nifty.org, Gay-Young Friends section, Early 2008)
- Terry and Sam - Short
Story, Holiday Christmas Collaboration w/Ruwen
(www.Nifty.org, Gay-No Sex section, Late 2008)