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Out of all the little fast food jobs and yard work jobs and the wonderful world of 'Retail Hell', I thought that waiting tables in a little restaurant in the suburban downtown area would be an easy gig for this summer. I only had my senior year left in high school, and then I'd be long gone. Hopefully to college on the other side of the country where my parents were comfortably far away. Not that I disliked them. No, not by any means. But hey, at 17, every guy starts looking to get a little bit of space. Especially when he's a closeted homosexual and sexually frustrated to the point of BURSTING! My GOD...when I get to college, I am going to probably start humping the leg of every cute boy that gets within REACH of me! In all sincerity though, I had planned to actually peek out of that closet door a little bit more once I get out of here. It's kind of hard to do when you've lived in the same town all your life. It's like you're always looking over your shoulder. You're friends are here, your teachers are here, your parents are here, your family is here...and God forbid you park your car in front of the wrong place. I can't wait to be a 'stranger' again someplace else. I look forward to seeing how the gay side of me interacts with other people for a change. Well, other people besides Lindsay.
Lindsay has been my best friend ever since the fifth grade when we saw the sex ed video in class and decided to play 'doctor' up in her father's attic. A memorable experience that we can both look back at and laugh about now. She still tells me that she feels bad for making me gay with her naked body. Hehehe, like I knew back then that I was going to turn out this way. Playing doctor at fifteen or sixteen years old might have had a completely different meaning. A completely different purpose. But at age ten...it wasn't much more than suddenly becoming aware of the fact that hers was an 'innie' and mine was an 'outie'. Thank goodness she turned out to be understanding when the harder questions came to me. That awkward time around age 12 and 13 when I discovered that it was another 'outie' that I was looking for. Compatible or not. She spent a lot of nights using her shoulder to soak up the many tears of fear and confusion that I was going through. And since everyone thought we were dating, it kept people from asking tough questions that I had no answer for. Lindsay's presence in my life really helped me out. If it weren't for her, I would have been completely lost. She was a great girl, and fortunately for her she was blessed with the right chromosones to make her 'normal' as far as sex was concerned. In fact, we pretty much had the same taste in boys. And damn if THAT didn't suck! You can't imagine how many times I've wanted to strangle the living shit out of her for getting the opportunities to cuddle up and kiss most of the boys that I only got to stare at briefly out of the corner of my eye. Which reminds me...whoever invented the idea of high school boys all showering together in the same room at school...Bravo. I think I've got enough jack off fantasy visuals to last me for as long as my 'equipment' keeps working. Sighhhhh...it almost made me miss going to school everyday this summer.
"Jesse, you are NOT going to believe what I just heard! Lisa thinks she might be getting a yeast infection." Lindsay, by the way, was a huge gossip. Even when it's something I SO don't want to know about. Present case included.
"Lindsay! Ewwww! Please! People are trying to eat in this place!" I told her. One thing you learn about working in a restaraunt, especially a small one like this, is that everybody talks about everybdy else. You could flip a quarter, and everyone there could tell you if it was heads or tails by the time it hit the floor. The rumor mill could suck you in for little of nothing, and you had to really keep a tight lip when it came to anything even remotely personal. Lindsay was in Heaven, working in a place like that. I, on the other hand, had to keep my sexuality an even MORE closely guarded secret than I usually do. Making it a living Hell for me most times, especially since Lindsay didn't seem to have any problem discussing my....um....'needs' in public. That always killed me. If even a whisper of me being gay got out, the whole restaurant would know it by the end of the week. Then all of the customers. Then my PARENTS! Then, by the time I went back to school in September, they will have spray painted my locker pink and signed me up for the cheerleading squad. I can do without that.
"Jesse, you got a new table. Party of four." One of the hostesses told me.
"Out of towners. You've got about a 50/50 chance." She said.
"That's the story of my life." I said, and got my artificial service industry smile ready.
Lindsay made sure to say, "I'll tell you more about what I heard about the infection when you get back."
"Yeah...thanks for the WARNING..." I said, and walked out to wait my table.
It was one of those days that didn't really go 'badly', but you wanted to be anywhere but work on that day. It was like everybody that was eating there that afternoon was laughing at me because there was so much beautiful sunshine outside, and I was stuck here bringing them food and drink like a peasant serving the gods of Olympus. There was nothing happening here, and I just wanted to go home. "What's wrong with you today?" Lindsay asked. "You've lost some of your pep." She was counting out what looked like an awfully big tip in her hands as she spoke to me.
"I'd feel better if I got tips like you did. How in the hell do you do that?"
"Hey, what can I say? I've got tits." She smiled at me. "Men are predictable...well...MOST men, anyway." Then she pinched my butt, knowing it would startle me.
"KNOCK IT OFF!" I whispered loudly. I looked around at everyone within earshot. I don't know why the paranoia had such a strong hold on me in that place, but any spoken remark that even INDIRECTLY addressed me liking other guys made me extremely nervous. It was as if I could hear the whispers around me starting already. "Speak a little bit 'louder', why don't you?"
"Oh come on, nobody knows what I'm talking about." She continued. Like anyone hearing her say THAT wouldn't tip them off.
"That's not the point."
"I'm not gonna tell your little secret, Jesse. For fuck's sake, lighten up." She just kept dragging it out, making it worse with every comment, and now I felt like my head was going to explode from the horrifying thoughts running through it. She mentioned a 'secret'! She mentioned ME when she mentioned the 'secret'! She mentioned me not being like most men when she mentioned me when she mentioned the 'secret'! ANYBODY could come along and put 2 and 2 together....and there you have it. Jesse is a 17 year old homosexual and now we all know it! Let's laugh and point at him now before we beat him up.
"Ok, ok, whatever. Just...forget it." I said, willing to do anything to just shut her up before she said anything more damaging.
"You're so touchy."
"I know. I know. Just...it's done with. Ok? It's over."
She waited for a second, and then started to open her mouth to say something else. "You know..."
"Not a word! It's DONE with!" Then I walked away to greet another table before she started again. It was blind faith alone that kept me from worrying that she'd have the nerve to shout it out to me accross the restaurant anyway. Thankfully, she didn't. "Hi, I'm Jesse and I'll be your server for today. What can I get for you guys this evening?" I could practically see Lindsay fuming playfully out of the corner of my eye, but I paid it no attention. What can I say, I'm cautious. And Lindsay, while she has kept her promise not to ever spill the beans about me in all the years since I've told her...she just doesn't neccessarily have a talent when it comes to whispering.
When we left for the night, and all of my tables were closed out, I counted about thirty eight dollars in tips. Not bad. Not GOOD...but not bad. Especially since it wasn't that busy. Lindsay had an idea to go out somewhere and maybe hang for a while. But I didn't really have the energy. My enthusiasm would have been at complete zero, especially after having to fake it all day for every customer that sat down in my section. So I told her I'd skip it. And we split shortly after. I was just a 20 minute bus ride from home, and some peace and quiet. But after geting on the bus...I found something that made me feel weird inside.
There was this fifteen year old boy sitting in the back with his girlfriend. They were sitting so close that it almost looked like they were wearing he same clothes. I watched them, taking a glance every few seconds, but they hardly realizd that I was there. Or anyone else for that matter. They had their legs tangled up, smiling and hugging, and holding hands. It was disgusting. I mean...is all that neccessary? Then they shared a few looks, and I couldn't help but physically roll my eyes. "Great...here they go..." I thought to myself. And sure enough, they started making out. Heavily in fact. Lips and tongues and teeth and arms and hair...all intertwined in this glorious mess. And I couldn't help but watch. He was cute, she was cute, they were young...whatever. I just felt my stomach twist up inside. Like I was...'angry' or something. I could feel a dirty look spreading across my entire face. Why? Was I offended? Upset? Jealous? Who knows. All I know is that I hated the fact that this kid was two years younger than me and could openly show the kind of affection and confidence that I could only WISH for. And yet, I'm sitting here at 17, during my summer vacation with no one at my side, still a virgin, and can't even bring myself to LIKE anybody because I'm too damn scared to be discovered as a 'homo'. I have to admit, a part of me was really just hurt watching this display of love between the two of them. And yet, I couldn't turn away. A part of me longed to be that boy or girl on the bus. To experience just a taste of that feeling. This kid...he didn't have this secretive 'cloak and dagger' bullshit game to play like I did, and it sucks! I guess I should have been happy for him. Even better, I should be striving to get a piece of the life that he seems to have found so easily. But I wasn't. A big part of me was just disgusted. And I secretly wished that I could have someone stare at me and MY boyfriend with that same kind of disgust someday. This is ridiculous, I've gotta stop doing this before I make myself a prematurely bitter old man.
I kicked off my shoes as soon as I got home and laid back on the living room couch for a few minutes before turning the tv on. My Mom and Dad were now getting into that routine of being in bed by the time the late night tv talk shows came on, so I pretty much had the house to myself. Even if they were both awake. You should see them sometime. Sitting in that big bed, my Mom on the right, my Dad on the left, taking the same positions that they have been taking for the last 12,345 nights in a row. My mom with her glasses and a book, my dad with a remote, and his bloated half open wallet next to him on the nightstand. You've never seen two people so close together, and yet could be in completely different worlds. It was kind of funny to watch sometimes, and I wondered if they were those two kids on the bus at one time. I wonder what it would be like to be in love. NOT just love somebody else and that's it...but to be in love WITH someone. To have them share in the feeling and return it to me. That must be a miraculous state of mind.
Anyway, I let my thoughts go numb for a bit while I flipped through the tv stations. Just looking for something that interested me. But you want to know something? And maybe it was just me being tired or maybe just having a moment of self awareness or the fact that I couldn't get my mind off of those damn kids...but I suddenly felt like there was nothing on tv at all for me. Have you ever had that feeling? That...you're just flipping from channel to channel, looking for something that relates to you, and is funny because you understand? Or better yet, because THEY understand you? There wasn't anything though, and it left a little hole in me as I sat there watching. Boy meets girl. Boy meets girl. Boy meets girl. Boy meets boy...and talks about girls. Boy loses girl and is willing to cut off right arm to get girl back. Boy meets TWO girls and tries to keep them both. Boy meets two girls who meet each other and boy is sad because girl only likes girl. It's ridiculous! You'd think that out of 700 channels on Direct Tv, that there would be ONE good 'Boy meets Boy' story that wasn't treated like some kind of...special broadcast. Like, 'here, we made this one for the fags to enjoy. Let's throw them a bone and then get back to making REAL programs.' Maybe I was just in a moody state of mind. But I was looking forward to a day when there could just be some gay characters in stories and movies and tv shows that weren't treated as anything other than a regular person. Instead, they end up being the token prize of the show. Weird. Whatever. I'm going to bed. I think too much.
I finally had the day off from work the next day, but Lindsay had to cover a shift for the 'yeast infection' girl so she could go to the doctor, ad I ended up going in anyway. "I swear...women and their nasty private problems. No wonder I'm gay." I told her, and she hit me in the stomach. "Ahh! Jesus!"
"Watch it, pig! I already don't want to be here today." She said. "Not to mention that the lady at table 23 is being a total BITCH to me! NOW she says her fries are cold. We'll see how cold they are when I soggy them up with dirty dishwater, the old bag."
"Hahaha! Bitter much?" I laughed.
"Yes, much. VERY much!" She grumbled. "So what are you doing here, anyway?"
"I've got the day off, and my only best friend is here working for a girl with a loaf of bread growing between her legs. I figured I might as well come in, get my paycheck, and wait for you to get off so we can go do something."
"Oh, how sweet." She said, and then elbowed me in the stomach again. "All except for the loaf of bread part."
"Now who's being touchy?"
"GO already! Get your check. I'm gonna bring this fat buffalo bitch her damn fries before she starts chewing at the table cloth." I love to see Lindsay smile, but I love her even more when she's angry.
I walked into the back to get my paycheck from the office, and waved a hello to everyone in the kitchen on my way through the kitchen. However, I found myself doing a double take, maybe even a triple take, as I saw three new people that I had never seen before standing on the cooking line. Obviously new employees, decked out in their dorky white hats and hairnets, a gleaming white apron that had yet to be trashed by the harsh war known as the food service industry. There was a girl in the middle of two guys, the first guy was your typical 'Maxim' magazine reading, nerd pounding, high school jock with broad shoulders. Cute, but unoriginal upon first glance. The other boy, however, was a whole other story. He was the entire reason that I did a triple take in the first place. Being face to face with something like that can be paralyzing sometimes. It's almost like having your eyes learn a new meaning for the word for 'gorgeous'.
He stood a little bit taller than me, but not by much. And he had this mixed light blond and sandy brown hair that was just long enough to tie into a short ponytail for the sake of working in the kitchen that day. He had a long smooth neck, and skin that looked soft and flawless from a distance. And his eyes? He had these dark blue green eyes, and when I walked past, he looked up at me briefly, letting them catch a beam from the flourescent lights and stare back at me with almost a twinkle. I halted in my tracks. Holy shit he was cute! I mean, we had hired cute guys before...but he was a new standard entirely. It was hard for me to pull myself away from that part of the kitchen to avoid looking like some kind of weirdo. But inside, I was silently thanking the stars for the guy who decided to hire THAT boy!
After getting my paycheck, I hurried back to make sure I could get another look at him. He didn't really notice me that much, because all three of them were concentrating on learning the way the food is prepared. It's kind of a training session, where all new employees have to work in every part of the kitchen so that they can get a feel for how everything works. I guess his attention was right where it should have been. I wish I could say the same for me.
"Dammit! I can't BELIEVE this lady!" Came a growl from just inside the door as Lindsay came storming in the back to let out some much needed steam. Everyone looked up as she grabbed a cup, shoved it full of ice, and angrily filled it with coke before stomping back out to her table. I heard the kitchen staff say something to each other in Spanish and they all shared a little laugh. I couldn't help but smile myself. I couldn't understand a word they had exchanged, but just the tone of it translated into 'watch out for the crazy chick' pretty easy. Then...I looked back over to that vision of lovliness while still smiling...and his eyes met mine again. He had a smirk on his face too, and it looked so...so...sexy. I froze up, and got serious instantly. Then I turned away and rushed out of the kitchen and back out on the floor. I don't know what just happened, but it felt good. TOO good. Like...'scary' good. I am being a total nut today.
I walked over to Lindsay, who was in a corner wiping down a table while grumbling to herself. "Aw, poor baby." I said.
"DON'T! Ok? Just don't start with me right now. Because the only thing keeping me from slitting this lady's throat is the fact that I can't find a knife big enough to slice through the grissle on her enlarged neck!"
"Hahaha!" There was no way I could hold that one back.
"Don't laugh at me." She pouted, and I gave her a one armed hug to hold her close to me.
"Listen, why don't I take you out after work tonight? We'll go to a 'good' restaurant and give them the same hell she's giving you."
"Yeah, whatever. Fine."
"Well don't sound so thrilled. You're making a spectacle of yourself." I said sarcastically.
"Whoopee. I'll be there with a party hat on." She moaned.
"That's more like it." I gave her a brotherly kiss on the cheek. "I'll just...wait here for you until you're done for the day." She gave me a strange look.
"Hon...I've got to work for another three hours. I don't think you want to stay here that long on your day off."
Boy was she wrong. "That's alright. It's no problem. Just don't go putting rat poison in that ladies food, ok? Our summer activities would be greatly limited if you were to go to prison."
She grinned, "And yet, I'm thinking your activities would take a turn for the better if YOU were to go to prison." Great, another 'gay joke' in the open. Wonderful.
"Har dee har. Why don't you go back to your 'girlfriend' over there and pretend to be a good waitress for once?" She stuck her tongue out at me, and I walked right back into the kitchen, hoping that I'd have the guts to stay for a bit longer. No matter how cute he is. It's just a pretty face. Nothing to be scared of. Right?
The first few minutes were kind of weird, trying to command my feet not to run away, and trying to tell my heart to stop beating so hard for some stranger that I don't even know. But going back in there was probably the best three hour activity that I could have gotten myself involved in. I made sure to talk to the rest of the kitchen staff nearby, so it didn't look like I was just sitting there staring at him. But only the kitchen staff that was close enough to the line to keep him in full view at all times. Yes...stalking is fun. And this boy evidently wasn't a wiz in the kitchen, not on his first day at least. He dropped stuff, burned his arm once or twice, and had a few near misses with a butcher knife while cutting up onions. But it was fun to watch. He was a bit clumsy, but good natured about it all. It reminded me of when I started back there. He was one of those people that didn't mind making an occassional joke, and wasn't afraid to laugh at himself either if he screwed something up. It was so...CUTE!
For the entire time I was back there, I kept thinking about how sexy his neck looked, or how cute his laugh is, or how slim his waist was. And the way his thin lips were just begging to be kissed, and the way his long fingers seemed so delicate and firm at the same time. It was like watching a movie, it was great. Then, Lindsay walked by me and told me that she was getting off at last, and just needed to count out her bank and get dressed. It was the fastest three hours I had ever spent in that place. To think...this new boy just might make working here fun again.
I heard the kitchen guys call for a break, and they let the three trainees come over by where I was sitting and take a seat at the counter next to me. The object of my newfound affections however, went to get himself a drink of soda first. Please sit next to me. Please. Here he comes, he's coming....closer...closer...YES! Right on my left side! Not only that, but he looked up and smiled at me with a gently spoken, "Hi." His voice was deeper than I expected, and it was sexy and smooth. I loved it.
"Hi. So you're coming to join the asylum, huh?" I said to him, but then noticed the other two trainees looking over at us too. I guess my paranoia got the best of me, and I didn't want to look like I was jumping on the new cute piece of ass. So I made sure to address them all at once. A decent cover, if I do say so myself.
"Yeah, I suppose so. But just to wait tables though. I suck as a cook." He replied.
"Heh, yeah, I kinda noticed that." I grinned. "I'm Jesse. I'm on waitstaff too."
He shook my hand firmly and said, "I'm Nick."
Then, came another hand from the other guy, an even firmer handshake. One of those 'hey, let me prove I've got a big ol penis' handshakes. "I'm Tony." He said.
Then the little lady in between, "I'm Cheryl. Hi." And after meetng them all, I tried to focus a little bit on my new toy at work without appearing too eager to do so.
"So...I think you'll like it here." I said.
"I figured it might be a neat place to work for the summer and make some extra money. Everybody here seems cool so far, I'll bet you all have a lot of fun here."
"Yeah, it's a LOT of fun sometimes, actually."
But by the time I had gotten the words out of my mouth, Lindsay had returned with a vengence. "Let's get OUT of this fucking place before I lose the rest of my mind and burn it to the fucking ground!" She muttered.
"Sure...see? Tons of fun." I felt a bit embarassed, but Nick smiled wide and had a little giggle over the whole thing. "Ok, we're out of here. Maybe I'll see you again later." I said, then looked over at the others, just to make sure. "ALL of you..."
"Yeah, definitely." Nick replied, and the other two followed right along with him. As Lindsay dragged me out of the kitchen, I saw Nick kind of look over his shoulder and smile again at us. Damn he was absolutely amazing. Unnaturally beautiful. And from what I've seen in that incredibly short exchange, a cool guy on top of it. He's just too lovable to be true. He's gotta be straight. They don't make gay boys that perfect. It's like...against the rules or something.
Three days went by, and I was actually anxious to go to work every single one of those days. I kept a smile on my face all the time, and did everything I could to keep my customers ordering food. Just so I could get a chance to go in the back and see Nick again for a few minutes at a time. I'd like to say that he was getting a nice handle on how to work in the kitchen, but that would be a blasphemous lie! In fact, I think he actually got worse as time went on. Still, every burn and cut and mishapen plate of potato skins were all easily forgivable. Just for the simple fact that he had so much fun laughing at his own follies. And that endeared a part of who he was to me instantly. It was a feeling like I had never felt before. Just seeing him for a few quick moments, whether he was looking at me or not, just filled my heart with helium. I don't think I had ever danced around that kitchen so lightly on my feet before. We were both working, 'technically', so we didn't get any chances to really speak to one another at any length outside of a few synchronized breaks. But those times when he DID talk to me, were even MORE special than I could have hoped for. That was the really interesting part, was that we were able to engage in these little effortless episodes of conversation by the second day. He had one of those hairtrigger smiles that was always ready to burst across his face in all its glory whenever he caught sight of you. It was so cute, and while I was still excited and intrigued by him, I can't say that I was really scared of him anymore. Not like I was in the beginning. The feeling mellowed out quite a bit. I suppose his charm was too inviting to really frighten you off. Something about his presence always put me at ease. And on the fourth day, we were basically friends as far as the workplace was concerned. Quick and easy.
"Dude, when are they going to get you out of this kitchen already? Hehehe! This cheeseburger looks like it should have a rat tail sticking out of it." I teased him as I picked up my tray.
"Quiet you! Besides, it's gonna look even worse when they finish chewing it, so they should be grateful." He smiled at me as he waved a greasy spatula in my general direction.
"I know homeless people who wouldn't be grateful..." But before I could finish, a wash rag hit me square in the face.
"OUT!" He giggled, and that's when the manager came through.
"Come on, come on...let's not start that. Jesse, I need you on the floor. We've got customers out there. Nick...just...concentrate, ok?" Hehehe, that was the manager's subtle way of saying you suck. But in a good way. I was sure that Nick had the job and was going to work out just fine. He was here to stay, and that was going to make work a paradise for me every day that he was there.
It was a joy to be able to look over and lay my eyes on a cute, sweet, funny boy like Nick and let my mind wander to thoughts of him being....um...'mine'. But, like I said before, he's got to be straight. This is way too easy for him 'not' to be. It's damn fun to pretend that he's not for a few minutes a day, but he didn't display a single 'swishy' trait in him. No flirtatious winks, no light voice, no tempting sway when he walked, no extended eye contact...all of the little things that should be setting off my gaydar. Either he was straight, or immune. Either way, I wasn't taking a chance on spoiling the whole effect, so I left it as it was. And just enjoyed making mental kissy faces at him from afar all day long.
However, something changed for me shortly after that. Because that's when the 'incident' happened. On the fifth day, I came in around the five o'clock rush hour to start work, and things were definitely jumping. I got changed quick, and was going upstairs to grab my apron and all, when I overheard two of the managers talking. Something had happened. One of our new employees had just quit on us without notice or anything. My heart fluttered a bit, and then it felt like it shut down completely. My eyes widened, and I suddenly felt scared inside. ONE of them quit? ONE of them? But who? NOT Nick! PLEASE tell me it's NOT Nick! I'll go into instant depression and throw myself in the deep frier right NOW if I find out it was Nick!
I rushed over to the schedule and looked at it to see if he was expected to be there. Yep...Nick was supposed to start work at five for his first day working as a host before starting waitstaff. But where was he? Oh God, please don't tell me he quit. Naturally, I went searching for him. I saw Cheryl getting dressed in an apron, and gave her a rather impersonal hello. I liked her too, but I had an angel to find at the moment. Back and forth, back and forth, looking around every five seconds to see if I saw him somewhere. But he was nowhere to be found. Shit! Please oh please don't tell me that he quit! Dammit! I LIKED him! What the HELL??? That would be so unfair! Time went by, minute after minute. Panic set in as thoughts of me losing my 'eye candy' were settling into my mind. And when 5:20 rolled around, I was convinced that my cute blond bunny had hopped off to another location where I'd never get to see him again. Not that the idea of searching the entire city didn't cross my mind. But...at 5:22 exactly...I saw Nick hurry in through the front door and hotfoot it over to the timeclock to punch in late. He's HERE! He's actually HERE! That means that 'what's-his-name' quit instead! Yes! Luck strikes again! Woo hoo!
"Sorry, sorry, sorry! My car would NOT start today and I had to take the bus. I didn't think it would take me this long to get here." He said to the manager while getting his host cumberbun and bowtie on. I never hought that he could possibly get more handsome than he was in that little white apron, but seeing him in those black slacks with a glaring white shirt and black bowtie, looking even more slim and sexy than before...my heart melted instantly.
"Hi, Nick." I managed to get out with a smile as he swiftly moved passed me.
"Oh, HEY, Jesse, what's up?"
"Yeah...I look like such a jerk. I haven't even officially started yet, and I'm already 'tardy'." He looked a bit worried.
"Don't sweat it. If they started firing people for occassionally coming in late, there wouldn't be anyone left to cultivate the crop of marijuana plants growng on the roof." Yes, I'm a weirdo. So what? He looked at me for a second before letting a big grin blossom out of his panicked rush, and that was just the reaction I was looking for. It was as if the whole room lit up with his charm.
"Hehehe, I think you just helped me put on a happy face for the day." He said, and he patted me on the shoulder before going up to the host stand. It might have just been a friendly gesture to him, but to me, I was practically shaking inside. You have no idea how hard it is to not read into every action and gesture when you're so deeply involved with the idea of someone you like. I think I managed to get away from the wishful thinking long enough to keep my visible joy from getting too out of hand though. And believe me, it wasn't easy. Because, as he turned to go to the host stand, I noticed that Nick had a really HOT ass! Just...little and cupped and tight and with a subtle bubble of a shape to it. I never really got a chance to look at it before, but now that I had...I had to exert extreme control over the bloodflow to a certain part of the body that will go unsaid. Let's just say that I would have had a third hand to carry food trays if I allowed myself to think about it for too much longer.
I spent the rest of the night even happier than before, and I kept going back up to the host stand to talk to him. Especially once things slowed down. I just stood there with him, joking around and getting to know him a little better. He was 19 years old, just two years older than I was, but you couldn't really tell by looking. And he was an English major in college, but thinking of changing it later on. He was living in the dorms and had fun telling me about all the wacky stuff that goes on there between him and his roommate. He was working over the summer so that they could get an apartment for the next semester and get out from under the regime of the residence center. I stood there, barely blinking, absorbing every word. He was so cool. Nothing he said was short of impressive. I felt the same way a 10 year old feels looking up to his big brother, it was silly. But I just sucked up everything he said and fell deeper and deeper into a trance that I couldn't escape from. It drew me ever closer to him, and it consumed me from top to bottom in every possible way. Wow...this was more than I ever could have expected from a boy who was already as hot as a 'visually stimulating' hottie could be. I could have fallen in love with his looks alone. But I never thought I'd find...substance underneath them.
Lindsay and I got off a bit early that night, and Nick had to work for another hour or two. When she came up to the host stand, Nick and I were grinning happily and having a good time. "You about ready to go, Jesse?" She asked.
"Yeah, I suppose so. The less I see of this place, the better." I answered. But now that Nick was there, I could have easily stayed another hour. "So...are you liking it so far? Working here?"
"Actually, you two are about the best thing about the whole summer. So I can't help but have fun." He smiled, and that comment...it just....wow. He might have just meant it in a friendly companion kind of way, but in MY mind, it was like he had just asked me to marry him. I hoped he couldn't see me blush! DAMN, I'm such a SISSY when it comes to him.
"Shut up..." I said, trying not to let an infatuated giggle escape my lips.
"It's true. Seriously. I like talking to you." He looked directly at me, and my heart nearly leapt up into my throat. "It's fun."
"Well..." I started. "...We should go. We're gonna sit at the bar for a minute...sooo...see ya later." It was like my mind forced me to cut contact with him almost instantly. Like my heart knew to suddenly start building up a barricade around itself before my emotions got out of hand and I did something I might regret. Like actually fall....fall in...well, I just won't say it. I'll save that horrifying revelation for another time. It's just...DAMN this is weird!
"Ok. Take care Jesse. You too, Lindsay."
"I like talking to you too, Nick." Wait...was that...did I totally say that out of the blue? That sounded 'forced', didn't it? Ah SHIT! I look like an idiot! You wouldn't believe the way my chest was shaking while I was saying those few simple words. Terrified doesn't even begin to describe it. But I forced myself to get them out anyway, albeit MUCH later than was appropiate to respod o his earlier comment. Sighhh...I'm such a doofus. I don't know, maybe I meant it as a hint to let him know that I really liked him. Or maybe I was just too damn scared, and meant it as a way to HIDE the fact that I really liked him. Or maybe I'm just stupid and couldn't think of anything else to say. Whatever it was, it felt good and bad and confusing all at the same time. I don't think aother boy has ever enticed me this much before. Nick was so awesome.
Lindsay and I sat over at the bar in the other section of the restaraunt to get off of our feet for a bit and just relax before going home. Things had slowed down considerably, and it was just us two, and one guy way on the other side of the bar, who comes in three times a day for his drink of Sutter Home Merlot. The cool thing was...if I leaned forward a little bit, I could see back to the host stand and see Nick from accross the room. I couldn't really do it and be inconspicuous about it...but it was possible. That was all I needed. Even from a distance he was gorgeous.
"What do you guys want to drink?" The bartender asked us.
"Two whiskey sours." Lindsay said, knowing we couldn't drink there.
"Two Shirley Temple's, coming up." He gave us some Sprit with grenadine and a few cherries and put it down in front of us. "Sorry 'youngsters'...I happen to like my job."
"Can't blame us for trying." Lindsay took a sip and we relaxed for a bit. "So, I guess that one guy, Tony, quit huh? That's too bad. He was kind of cute, you know?"
"Ugh! Lindsay, come on. Are you kidding me? You can do SO much better."
"WHAT? He was cute! And strong too. Big hands. VERY big hands." She wiggled her eyebrows and I turned away.
"God, you're weird. You can have him." I said.
"Don't get too proud there, buddy. Or must I bring up your unexplainable love jones for Clay Aiken?"
"SHUT UP! God..." I said, hushing her up. "You said you'd never bring that up again! I don't know why I even tell you things."
"Because it keeps you somewhat sane, although you couldn't tell from your current behavior." She smiled. "That aside, I was kinda looking forward to talking to him some more. I won't get the chance now. I guess I should have seen it coming though. He bumbled a bit more than the average newbie, you know?"
"Yeah...but that other new guy, Nick, is pretty cool." I said, pretending as if I had merely noticed him in passing. Instead of drooling all over him the way I was. I could feel a pleasureable tingle go up my spine as his name crossed my lips. I think just the idea of talking about him outloud to someone else gave me a shiver.
"I haven't talked to him much. He seems cool though. He should be here for a while. He's crazy enough." She smiled. "So what days are you working next week?"
"Um...I think Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday. I gave Nick my Thursday night because he's officially starting that week and he wanted to make some tips so he can have some spending money. You know, before his first paycheck comes through. Those things take forever when you're first starting."
"Well that was nice of you. You win the humanitarian of the week award for that." The subject changed shortly afterwards, and we finished our drinks. We just sat back and talked for about 20 minutes, and were almost ready to go. Then...I think I made a bit of an honest mistake while engaged in our conversation. "Just think, Jesse. We've only got one more summer left after this before we go off to different colleges. Can you imagine?" She said.
"You know? I was talking to Nick about that, and he said that it's never really the same unless you're really close friends. Then things tend to stay the same between you. So I think you and me should be just fine. We'll keep in touch all the time. Nick told me that..." I stopped talking, and noticed her giving me a strange look. "What?"
She leaned over and looked behind her, over to the host stand, and the beautiful blond boy standing behind it. Then she looked back at me with a wicked half smirk on her face. "Jesse....?"
"WHAT?" I asked, agitated at the possible knowledge of me liking Nick becoming clear to her.
She paused for a second, and then asked, "What's the new girl's name?"
"What's whose name?"
"The NEW girl, the one that started this past week. What's her name?"
"Um...it's like...Shirley, isn't it?"
Lindsay jumped in with a smile. "NO!!! It's CHERYL!"
"Yes, Jesse...it is!"
"So? So what? It's only been a week. You know I'm not good with names."
"You're not good with names unless it just happens to be a cute blond boy named NICK!" She said it louder than I was comfortable with, and could feel myself blushing furiously already. Geez, I'm surprised Nick didn't hear it all the way in the other room.
"SHHHHH! Jesus! What are you getting at?" I said, looking around the room.
"You KNOW what I'm getting at, ya little cock jockey! You LIKE him, don't you?"
"WHAT??? NO! He's just...he's cool..."
"Unh-unh! You mentioned him like FIVE times since we've been sitting here. That's not a normal 'Jesse' reaction to a new hire. I know you." She said grinning and poking me slightly with her finger. "I know an instant infatuation when I see one, you son of a bitch. I practically INVENTED 'like at first sight'! So just admit it. You like him."
She was getting louder and louder. Of course, it was at a normal indoor speaking voice, but to a closet homosexual whose newest crush is standing RIGHT THERE in the other room...that's like a bullhorn in a library! "SHHHHH!!!!! Can we just talk about this later??? Somewhere ELSE, maybe?"
But after a slight silence, she smiled and replied. "No."
"No. Admit it. Admit you like him. THEN I'll leave it alone." She was really pushing it here!
"C'mon! Just SAY it! One time, and I'll leave it alone. Promise." She saw me starting to break down with a frustratd sigh. "I know you want to say it." She giggled. "ADMIT IT!" She said a little bit louder, and at that point, I was ready to do anything to shut her the hell up.
"SHHH!!! Ok, ok!" I looked around for a second, and then said under my breath, "I think that...'said person'...is cute."
"And you 'like' him, right?"
"Sighhh..." Leave it to Lindsay to push it even further than she already has. "Yes. I like him........kinda. Alright?"
With a huge smile on her face, she got up and told me she was ready to go all of the sudden. I asked her what she was up to, but she simply responded with, "Nothing. We've been sitting here drinking soda for a half hour now. Let's go."
"I swear...if you do ANYTHING to embarass me..."
"Well aren't WE important!" She scoffed, and grabbed me by the hand to lead me out. We passed the front door, and I felt some resistance on her part. Like she was going to stop and say something to Nick, which I was sure was going to embarrass the HELL out of me. So I clutched her hand even tighter and pushed her out of the door. "Good night Nick!" She said as I shuffled her out into the street. Nick waved with that awesome smile of his, but I was leaving too fast to really stare at it for any length of time. Why do I suddenly get the feeling that I'm going to deeply regret telling Lindsay about this?
The next two weeks of my life proved to be more stressful and backwards than I could have ever expected. Just knowing that Lindsay knew what I wanted made me nervous as hell all night long. Every second that I was there, I was searching around to make sure that they didn't spend more than fifteen seconds alone together. So help me, if that girl spills the beans to him about me liking him, I'll KILL her! And I don't mean that in a playful way. I mean that I'll lure her out into the alley after work, knock her out with a lead pipe, cut her up and put her on the menu as a special for the next day. I can't believe I was stupid enough to tell her my feelings about him.
Everytime I'd catch the two of them talking together, I'd basically have to grab her by the collar and carry her away. And everytime I'd ask her what they were talking about, she'd always say something like, "You and your sexuality, of course. In a world full of topics what else could I POSSIBLY have to talk about?" And that would only frustrate me more and I'd lay down a 'loophole free' set of rules and regulations for her to live by whenever she addressed him. I just wanted her to leave him alone. Nick was too cute and too adorable to throw away by telling him that I wanted to get in his pants. He was cool, but he wasn't THAT cool. He'd shy away from me little by little and probably stop talking to me altogether after another week or so after finding out my dirty little secret. I didn't need that.
Another painful week went by, and the more I got to know Nick, the more he got to know me, the more I wanted him. Until it reached the point where we knew each other's work schedules by heart, and looked forward to every day that we spent together. This wasn't a crush anymore. My heart was desperately pushing for something more, and I kept pushing back as hard as I could to stop it. Something about the idea of finding out for sure that it was hopeless....it ruined the fantasy. And I 'liked' the fantasy. The heart tugging mystery is better than a total rejection any day.
"You've got that look on your face again." Lindsay told me while waiting for a table in my section to be seated.
"That look where you're thinking about stuff way more than you probably should."
"I guess so." She looked a bit puzzled at me giving in so easily, and it was then that I discovered the truth. It was pointless for me to even deny it anymore, and as stupid as I felt for even THINKING it, I purposely let my true feelings slip. "Sigh....Lindsay? I think I'm in love." Her eyes expanded so wide I thought they would literally POP. "I said, I THINK!"
"I think." She peered deeper into me. "Ok, I know. God I'm so fucked up right now." Again, I tell her one of my deep dark secrets. But let's be honest, she was my best friend, and my only outlet for this particular part of my life. God help me...she really IS the only thing keeping me sane.
"You are NOT fucked up! This is a good thing. It's a GREAT thing! Be happy." She grinned, completely forgetting about her table as they looked around for her.
"I think your table wants their check..."
"I know, that's why I'm pretending to not even see them right now. Look, here's what you do. You ask Nick out for some coffee or something, and have a good time outside of work for a change. Get to know each other. Then you..."
"What are you talking about? No. Lindsay, no. I'm not PERSUING this. Are you crazy?"
"Not persuing it? Are YOU crazy? You just said you were in love."
"Yes, but that's all that means. I was just letting you in on a bit of my increasingly sad situation. It wasn't cause for you to start thinking up a 'plan'. It's not gonna happen. I just...sighhh...I want him Lindsay. I...I can't help it, you know?" I whined softly, images of his untouchable beauty filling my every thought. "I want to get rid of this feeling inside of me and it won't go away. I'm going to end up messing up everything..."
Lindsay grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "Dude...listen to me. You like Nick, you get along, you're attracted to him..."
She lowered her voice on command for once, "...so...stop torturing yourself and GO for it. Just make a play for him. It'll WORK! You're cute, you're fun..."
"Newsflash, sweetie...those things don't work on straight boys. Or have you forgotten that I'm not exactly 'asking a girl to prom' here?" She sighed and folded her arms, pausing for a quick moment.
"And what if he was gay?"
"SHHHH!!!" God, I HATE it when she says that word outloud!"
"What if he was...'un-straight'? Would you do it then?"
"I don't know. I don't know anything, I just..."
"What if I suddenly told you, that he was gay? And that he had only one boyfriend, and they had broken up, and that he had never been past second base? What then?"
"You're going a bit far with this hypothetical, aren't ya?" But she only shook me harder.
"GO...AND...TALK...TO...HIM! NOW!" And she pushed me towards the other side of the restaraunt where he was standing. He was leaving for the day and packing his apron and stuff away.
I never felt so awkward. Just 'walking' was a challenge when it was in his direction. If I could just get these butterflies in my stomach to settle down for just five damn minutes, I'd be able to talk to him like a human being. Instead, my heart kept putting him on such a high pedestal that I didn't feel worthy to even be around him. How do normal people do this? "H-H-Hey Nick." I said.
"Hey. You getting off yet?" He asked, and my sexed up mind went wild with the question.
"Work? Are you getting off from work yet?"
"Oh! Oh...no, not for an hour or so yet. I've got to stay here." I said, feeling that tightness in my chest and that quiver in my limbs as he smiled in my direction.
"Too bad. I thought maybe we'd go somewhere. Maybe chill for a while." He asked me to go somewhere....he asked ME. I heard it. I KNOW I heard it. And it terrified me.
"Oh...well, I have to...um...work. So..."
"Well, maybe some other time?" Sexy, he was SO sexy. Cute and sweet and funny and...dammit, I really am in love, aren't I? How did this happen? "Hehehe...or not?" He said after I realized that I hadn't said anything in response to his offer.
"YES! Yes...some other time. We'll do something." Ouch! Did I say 'do something'? "I mean when we get off..." No no no! Don't go there! "I'll...I'd be happy to...go someplace. And...chill." I carefully crafted each word, and probably came off sounding like a robot. But at least I got something out, that was more than I thought I was capable of at the moment. "Gotta go. Bye." And I turned tail and ran. Yeah, I was a chicken. But I would have made things MUCH worse if I had kept talking to him. He left shortly afterwards.
He must think I'm a total goofball. Some dumb high school virgin with half a brain. I didn't know what it was about him that kept my mouth watering the whole time he was there. I don't know why I couldn't keep these feelings from escalating so far out of control when I KNEW just how badly this could all turn out in the end. I don't know why I couldn't seem to just talk to him like a normal person. Every bit of intelligence just seemed to shut down when I got near him. Not just out of fear and confusion either. There was something else in the way, and I couldn't define it if I tried. When I left that day, I had mentally kicked myself until I was almost too embarrassed to come back for my next shift. Nick, of course, didn't make anything of it over the next few days. Adding even more charm to his already perfect personality. He was beyond infatuation, beyond gorgeous, and if I had any guts at all I would have at least asked him to go out somewhere as 'friends' by now. But I HADN'T! I just stayed a scared little boy while this magical feel punched and kicked at me from every angle. I swear, I shouldn't be this depressed right now. I just shouldn't be. It's the SUMMER for crying out loud, I'm supposed to be having some kind of fun.
"It's the SUMMER for crying out loud, you're supposed to be having some kind of fun." Lindsay said to me the following weekend. Weird, isn't it?
"I know. I just...I don't feel like doing too much of anything tonight. I'm tired, you know? My feet are killing me, and it looks like my last table here is going to be staying for a long long time." I told her.
"All the more reason for you to come over tonight. We'll relax, listen to some music, watch a movie or something. It'll be fun." I didn't answer, but she could see that same look on my face, hear that same frustrated sigh, and she knew that she had me by the balls on this one. So she yanked on my arm and pleaded with me. "C'mon....pleeeeease! Don't make me sit at home alone tonight! I'm gonna feel all pathetic and lonely. It's going to suck ass!" She was drawing more attention to us in the corner, and I gave in.
"Fine. I'll come over after work. Happy now?" I made a promise, and she was happy to have won me over. Just like she always does.
So I did my last few hours of work by myself, and left to head out to Lindsay's place. I didn't plan to stay for much longer than I had to. About an hour or so, and then I'm going home to crash for a while. That's all there is to it. Besides, I had masturbation fantasies to fulfill since Nick hadn't worked that day. A day without him was like a ten minute pause without breathing. I needed him to complete my day. God...I was getting so damn dorky over the whole thing.
When I rang Lindsay's doorbell, she ran over a bit faster than usual to answer it. She quickly ushered me into the house, and led me into her bedroom. I could hear her cd player going and all, and didn't expect anything different really. But found a rather disturbing surprise waiting once I rounded the corner. Nick was in her room, laying back on her bed, that incredible sleek body of his stretched out before my eyes, and his sweet smile greeting me as soon as I walked in. "Hey, Jesse. It's about time you got here. We were just saying that you might change your mind and ditch us." He said, and I nearly wet myself with panic.
I couldn't just turn around and leave the room. And I couldn't suddenly get Lindsay to leave with me so I could throw the entire book of curse words at her. If I did that, he'd know. If I stayed there, he'd know. If Lindsay's gossipy nature had already interfered in the swing of things, he'd know! DAMMIT! NOW I've got to kill them both!
"Um....hi! Hey! I didn't know you were going to be here, Nick." I said, giving Lindsay as dirty a look as I could while still smiling nervously in Nick's presence.
Lindsay leaned playfully into my shoulder and whispered, "I invited him." With a smile.
"Yeah...I can kinda see that." I mumbled back through gritted teeth. But she lightly hit me for what she would call 'being silly'. Just...looking at him...it made you feel so hollow inside. Like your heartbeat could be heard the world over, like a pebble rattling around in an empty tin can. My mouth went dry as I saw the sink of his shirt where his soft slim tummy was rising and falling slowly with each breath. It was a red pullover shirt, so red that it almost looked brand new, and it was just below the belt of his slightly faded jeans. He looked so delicious laying there back on his elbows. And the red of his shirt brought a new shine to his blond hair, which was loose from its ponytail, now flowing freely below his ears. With his hair like that...he was even hotter than I had imagined. Unforgivably cute...you have NO idea!
When we moved further into her room, I saw that she had the Family Guy cartoon paused on her DVD player and she was all ready to turn it back on so we could just hang out. Just...hang out. As though she saw nothing wrong with that. "I'm going to kill you for this." I muttered under my breath as I walked in her room.
I walked over so I could sit at her desk, the only chair in the room, but she swiftly moved past me to nab the seat first. Leaving only one space to sit....on the bed next to Nick. I gave her a stern look as I went to sit down. The softness of her mattress bent under my weight, and it flt like Nick slid in even closer to me. Great...now I've got an entire night to make an ass out of myself in front of the boy I love. DAMN her! I can't BELIEVE she did this to me. She KNOWS how crazy I am about this boy, and now she's fucking it all up. I probably would have stayed mad at her too, but was thrown off guard when I leaned back on the bed and Nick grabbed a hold of my arm. "Come on and gimme some love, waiter boy!" He said, and playfully pulled me back to snuggle up into my neck! Ok....that's another giant heap of inspiration to keep me in jack off fantasies for the rest of my natural life!
I felt my body go completely rigid, and it locked up so tight that I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I laughed a little bit to cover the fact that I was battling absolute hysteria inside, and felt the hottest red blush cover my whole body at once. I was both happy and sad when he let go of me. "Nice greeting." I said, sitting back up. "I can't imagine what you did to HER when you came over."
He didn't answer, he just raised his eyebrows and smiled. I got lost in the moment for a second or two before noticing Lindsay just melting over in the corner. Giving us that 'oh, this is so cute' look. So I had to pull away from his eye contact and straighten up before she made things even worse. I'm pretty sure that he didn't come over there knowing he was going to get hit on. By a 'homo', no less. God...just LOOK at him! Does he know how cute he is? Does he have any clue what an outburst of emotion he has created in my life? The turbulence that has captivated my heart and made it his forever? Ever since he came into my life, I don't even know who I AM anymore. We only talked for a few minutes before startng the video again, and I tried to joke around enough to mask the feeling of terror and helplessness I was living through at the moment. I just...I can't believe she did this. Just ONCE, I wish she would mind her own fucking business!
And thus...the night began. I was clumsy and I was stupid and I was quiet and almost 'antisocial' the entire time. I felt so locked away from everything, even my own thoughts. It was like being bound and gagged by my own emotions, and I came off like some kind of jerk that didn't even WANT him there. Nick's smile, and his little touches here and there, and that damn cute laugh of his while we were watching the cartoon...it was pulling me deeper and deeper into love with him. A love that I was trying sooo hard to avoid. And the only way to escape that amazing tractor beam that he had locked on to me, was to counteract his playfullness with my withdrawal. His flirtatious gestures with my stubborn denial. The closer he tried to get to me, the more I crawled back into a shell. It was the only sense of 'balance' that I had. Nothing seemed right, nothing felt right. It's the most aggravating thing in the world to be faced with something really special and not be able to reach out for it because of fear and doubt. Why didn't Lindsay just leave us the fuck alone? Why did she have to stick her nose in it and try to play matchmaker? This is stupid. I seriously hate her for this.
A few hours went by, with more of the same push and pull, where neither one of us could break the other's approach to the situation. And when 12:30 rolled around, Nick decided that maybe he should go. My eyes had been fastened to Lindsay's carpet for ninety percent of the evening, and I suppose that I wasn't being the friendliest person in the world. I don't know what happened. I was SCARED, alright? He's...he's like this awesome magical creature, and I felt like he'd run away if I stepped forward to pet him. I was trying. At least I think I was. Who knows? I've never been so confused.
"Well...how are you getting home?" Lindsay asked him as all three of us stood up to say goodbye.
"I could take the bus, but it's not really that far. I suppose I could save the money and just walk it." There was a slight pause, and Nick looked over at me as though he were waiting for me to say something. Lindsay gave me the same look, widening her eyes a bit and gritting her teeth to silently give me a signal. But I couldn't do it. No way. The itch was there, trembling in my chest as though it was ALMOST ready to come out and offer to walk with him. But...it didn't. And I swallowed it down.
"It was cool hanging with you, Nick. We'll do it again sometime. Soon, ok?" I said. And I'm amazed that I was able to get THAT much out.
Lindsay rolled her eyes in defeat, but Nick just gave me a warm smile. "Sure. Another time." And he moved forward to give me a tight hug. "I'll see you at work on Monday?"
"Twenty two minutes late? Sure." I grinned, and he giggled a bit. Then...he leaned in and gave me another hug, a long one. And when he let go he looked into my eyes, searching for something...'different' in me. I didn't let him see. I won't let him see. So I let go of the embrace and backed away. I might be able to hide my thoughts and my feelings, but I had a nice little growing bulge in the front of my pants that wasn't going to be so easy to camouflage without the use of a pillow.
"Ok......see ya later. Thanks Lindsay, I had a great time." He said, and gave Lindsay a hug as she walked him out. "Bye, Jesse." I sighed heavy and collapsed back down on the bed in a heap. Thank God it was over.
Lindsay came storming back into the room after letting him out, "What are you DOING??? Hellooooo!!!"
"Lindsay! I can't believe you actually invited him over here without telling me!" I shouted back.
"Jessie! Honey! This is your chance! Don't just sit there on the bed sulking. GO! Go get him! catch up to him and just TALK to him or something."
"Because I just CAN'T, ok? You just don't understand."
She sat down next to me and took a firm hold of my hand to keep my attention. "Don't understand what? I mean, what happened to 'I think I'm in love'? You like him, he likes you...all you have to do is ask him out for a movie or something. That's it. I'm not saying that you have to stick your tongue down his throat and see if he punches you. Just TALK to him and maybe, just maybe, you picked the right guy this time."
"Lindsay, if he rejects me..."
"Worry about that later. Right now, all you've got to concern yourself with is going out there to spend some time together."
"Dammit, Lindsay! You just don't get it." I stood up, frustrated, and pacing. "This is it! This is all I've GOT right now. Having Nick in my life makes me happy. Why are you trying so hard to ruin that?"
"Ruin WHAT??? Huh?" She said, standing up with me. "What exactly is it that you've got here? Nick isn't 'in' your life, Jesse. He's just on the outside of it, and everytime he asks to come inside you put another lock on the door. Why???" She held onto my shoulders to force home her point. "Are you gonna stand there and tell me that you'd rather live the rest of your life dreaming and fantasizing about being with Nick instead of trying to go for the real thing? Do you have any idea how utterly psychotic that is?"
"I just don't..."
"I know, you don't want to get hurt. I get it. And I understand that. But you're really going to end up kicking yourself if you turn around after this summer and find out that Nick was gay all along and has somebody new to take the place in his life that you so rightfully deserved. THAT'S what is REALLY gonna hurt!"
"No...I really want you to listen to me this time. How many chances are you going to get to really be dazzled and amazed and truly in love with someone? Someone sweet and romantic and cool and funny who shares your interests and likes being with you all the time? How many times will you be THAT crazy for somebody, and then have them feel the same way about you? What are the odds that anyone else is going to make you feel this good inside? You're being hit in the face with mana from Heaven, and you're gonna sit here and play this little 'game' with him? Jesse...babe...you DON'T play games with something like this! You take full advantage of it and you meet him half way. Because as much as I love you, and BELIEVE me I do...nobody is going to chase you down to show you some affection. If you keep playing around and waiting for him to come after you, chances are he's gonna find somebody else, and they're not going to make him do HALF the work that you are. They're gonna meet him half way and they'll be very happy together. DON'T let that happen! Tell him you care. Make an effort. Now's not the time to try to coax a confession out of him. If you want him, then YOU go get him." She said, her firm hold on my hand finally loosening up a bit. "Is any of this getting through to you?" She softened up a bit. "Don't throw this one away over a 'game', Jesse. Stop testing the waters and just give yourself over to what you feel for a change."
I let down my guard for a second, a lump forming in my throat as the words sank in. And she was right. I was playing it safe, hoping that he'd come to me first and save me the risk of being hurt beyond my wildest dreams. But...that first step...God...that first step was sooo terrifying. I looked up and asked her, "So...what do you want me to do?"
"GO GET HIM! Chase him down before he gets halfway home and you miss your chance. Then I'm going to have to go through all of the trouble of setting you up again."
"Sighhh...." I knew she could see it, and sure enough, I was giving in all over again. "...ok fine! Fine! I'm going! But if he tells me to get lost...I swear to God...I'm gonna be crying on YOUR shoulder until the pain goes away!"
"I'll make sure to bring the Kleenex. Just go already. Have a ball! Have TWO!" And she literally put her hands on my back to push me out of the front door. "Just remember, if he's gay, then it means he doesn't like pussy! So don't BE one when you see him!"
"Har dee har, Ms. Sensitive." I said. "What do I say to him?"
"Think about it while you're catching up to him. GO!" And she slammed the door behind me. Ok, I'm on my own now. Here goes nothing.
I turned the corner and was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of him walking in the distance. I felt a jittery feeling in my stomach, but I found the courage to shout out his name anyway. "Nick!" He turned around, and when he saw me, he smiled. "Wait up!" I jogged over to him until we stood side by side. "Hey..." I said, slightly winded. "You mind if I walk with you for a little bit?"
"No, not at all. Come on." We walked through the streets, maybe for a good fifteen minutes or so. Was I nervous? Hell YES I was nervous! But I guess I was forced to go through with at least walking him home if nothing else. So I just had to grin and bear it. It was a little uncomfortable trying to act normal while every instinct in my brain was telling me to run off and save myself the embarrassment of getting dumped on right there in the middle of the street. Every time I got quiet, I wondered if I should be talking. And everytime I started talking, I wondered if I should just shut up. And in between silences, I would giggle a little bit to avoid some of the pressure of having to say something. But how long can a giggle last, honestly? I felt like the biggest idiot on Earth. Still, the whole time, Nick just looked at me and smiled and encouraged me to talk more. If only I could find a way to explain how that made me feel more scared and more alive at the same time, I would.
Finally, we were approaching his house, and he slowed down his pace a little bit. "Well, that's my house just up ahead."
"Staying home for the summer, huh?"
"Yeah, and my mom is driving me crazy. Trust me, once you move out of the house, there's no going back. You'll be insane by the end of the first week." He said. Then, a hush fell over both of us, and we got up to his front porch. He looked over at me withot saying anything, and grinned a bit to himself. "So...I guess this means I made it home safe, huh?"
"Sure. And that's good to know. I mean you could have been kidnapped by aliens, or eaten by wolves, or even..."
"Jesse...I'm gay." He said. It was so sudden that I don't think it even registered in my mind for the first few seconds.
"Oh...um...ok..." I said, and my heart started beating so fast and hard that I was expecting it to suddenly breakdown on me.
Nick and I stood silent. The only sound was a few nervous laughs when I glanced up at his eyes momentarily from the concrete. It was a really awkward moment. Was I ever scared. "So...are you?" He asked me.
"Am I what?"
"Hehehe, you are too cute. You know that? Gay, you spaz. Are you gay?"
His smile sent me soaring again, and I began to fidget and wiggle around, feeling like a stranger in my own skin. "Well...um...you know....everybody has a few...'tendencies'..." I started, not having said the words 'I'm gay' since I'd told Lindsay so many years ago. "...That is...I may be partial to....I mean, I think we all go through a phase where..."
"You know, you can just say 'YES'." Nick giggled.
"YES!" I said instantly. It was like the words had pushed past my lips before my common sense had the chance to stop them this time. "Yes...hehehe, yes. I'm...I'm gay."
Then Nick began to snicker to himself. "Yeah, I know. I just needed you to say it. Hehehe!" He said. "Actually, Lindsay told me."
"She WHAT??? That BITCH!" I said, appalled.
"Now don't get mad at her, she meant well. Besides, I kinda twisted it out of her a week or so ago. She wasn't going to tell me anything at first, until I told her about me first. Then I guess it was just a matter of wanting to see you happy. I guess you left a loophole in your aggreement."
"I hope it's a loophole big enough to fit around her neck so I can HANG her with it later." I grumbled.
"Don't be upset. Besides, I'm glad she told me." He said, and shyly looked down at his feet momentarily in the cutest way. "I thought you were cute. I always thought you were cute. I was kinda scared to ask you myself. Actually, I was really scared tonight that you weren't interested."
"No chance of that." I smiled, but the butterflies in my stomach went nuts and I was visibly shaking where I stood. Then my eyes widened in horror, "Lindsay didn't mention anything about Clay Aiken, did she???"
"Um...nooooooo...hehehehe!" He gave me the weirdest look, but shook his head as though he thought it was adorable. I seem to be gaining some points here. "Should she have?"
"NO! No, not at all. And NEVER ask her!" I ordered, and then stood eye to eye with him in front of his house. My hands dug deep into both of my pockets, a timid reaction to the intense beating of my heart. "So...um..." The hard part's over Jesse, just ASK him. "...Do you, like, wanna go see a movie or something next weekend?"
"Yeah, that'd be great. I'll drive, if my car decides to work that day."
"Cool. Very cool. Alright then, I'll...um...I'll see you later." I said, and started to leave. But he stopped me.
"What? No goodnight kiss?" He smiled.
"Right here? Now?" I felt my heart jump, and my body almost shook itself to pieces at the idea. He gave me a look, and I stood on legs of soft clay as I moved closer to him. Looking into his eyes, I felt faint. This wasn't an incredibly hot boy, this wasn't a best friend, this wasn't some dream character in a jack off fantasy...but it was more like all three combined and then mulitplied by one hundred. I could hardly breathe as I got closer. I think he could see the fear in my eyes, because he laughed a little at my hesitation. Then, my paranoia got the best of me, and I started looking around the street to see if anyone was watching. "Can we...um...do this someplace else?"
"Um...no." Nick said, and followed it with, "If you're gonna kiss me, then kiss me." I stood there amazed, and began fumbling with my hands again, feeling more awkward than ever. Then he leaned close enough to whisper softly in my ear, trying to put me at ease. "Don't be scared, Jesse. Just kiss me. I want you to." The deepness of his seductive voice tinged my senses, and covered my body with the most wonderful numbness.
It was all I needed, and with a reach of my shakey hand to place lightly, almost nonexistantly, on his waist, and my 6 and a half inches now throbbing at full stiffness, I leaned slowly forward. I closed my eyes just seconds before impact, and when I felt my lips touch his...it was like all of the tension, worry, pain, and lonliness of the last 17 years of my life escaped me in one long exhalation. My body relaxed, and sparks flew as I felt his smooth soft lips press tenderly against my own. There was the slightest bit of wetness between our lips, and the taste of his sweetened breath entered me. My hand crept up an inch or two, only to move back down the same distance, the beginning of a rhythm. I carressed his gently hip, feeling the tenderness of his muscled waist as he put a hand on my shoulder to kiss me deeper. I couldn't believe it! I was kissing Nick, in the middle of his front porch, in PUBLIC no less! Granted, it was dark and almost 1 AM, but it's not something I would have done for anyone else. For once...Lindsay was right. I had found the right guy this time.
The kiss lasted for a few more mindblowing minutes, only very 'experimentally' using our tongues here and there. I can't say that we were really making out, but for my first boy to boy kiss...it made my whole world spin out of control. I was worried that I'd have a full body orgasm any second before he gently broke the liplock and stepped away. It was my cue to breathe again. "So...work on Monday?" He asked, his eyes searching mine with a twinkle that made me whimper softly to myself before answering.
"Yeah...." I couldn't even move. I was so weak in the knees that I was sure that it was the wind alone holding me up. "...Monday."
"Twenty two minutes late?" He smiled, and I nodded breathlessly in response. It was all I could do. "Hehehe, you are so cute." He rubbed his fingers through my hair, and gave me another quick peck on the lips to confirm the compliment. "I'll see you then. G'night." He walked to the door, and went inside, leaving me on the porch for another minute by myself. Trying to comprehend what the hell had just happened to me. It was the best night of my life. Above ALL others. I could have floated home on a thin layer of fog if I wanted to. My very SOUL felt like it was soaring, and this wide unstoppable smile crossed my face and absolutely REFUSED to go away. It wouldn't disappear, or even dim itself enough to keep from looking like some kind of mentally unstable hobgoblin. Instead, it just shined as brightly as humanly possible and guided me back to Lindsay's house while I tried to keep myself from shouting out my gratitude to the sky above.
You better believe that Lindsay got another earful for divulging my deepest and most well guarded secret once I got to talk to her again, but she didn't care. She was too busy bouncing around her room frantically after hearing how it all worked out for the best. And let's be honest, I couldn't stay mad at her. I wouldn't be able to stay mad about much of ANYTHING ever again. Life was too good. Although, now that that first shakey week of having a new boyfriend has passed, and Nick and I have become full blown kissing partners on a 'more than regular' basis, I do believe that I torture her by mentioning his name every five to ten minutes. She put us together, and now she thinks were way too mushy. So what? I don't care. It's a part of her punishment.
"STOP!" She said as she nudged me in the side at work. It was then that I realized that I was staring longingly at Nick from accross the room, and he was looking back at me with that irresistable smile. I suppose we got lost in each other for a moment. "You know, for someone who was always whispering and keeping secrets, you certainly have gotten rather sloppy with your affections."
"Gimmee a break, will ya?" I said, looking back over at him and sighing to myself. "I'm in love..."
She kissed me playfully on the cheek, her smile bursting out on her face. "I know, sweetie." She said. "You're still pathetic, though." The comment was hardly enough to take my eyes off of him. I'm glad that Lindsay and I were the only two waiters left working that night. I don't think I could hold my starry gazes back anymore. I was so 'infected' with the miraculous feeling that he was giving me just by standing in the same room with me. If I had known it was going to be like this, I would have fallen in love a long long time ago.
"Jesse? Hello? You've got a table." Lindsay said when she came back over to me.
"Isn't he cute? I mean...just look at him. He's beautiful."
"Um, yeah. I've kinda seen him before." She said. "Now go...meet and greet, loverboy. It's eating away at your tip." I had to make sure that I was well 'adjusted' in front before going to see my table. I didn't want a tented apron incident. But walking out to the table, Nick gave me a secretive little wink, and I became jelly all over again. I blushed, and grinned to myself as I passed out menus to everyone at the table. This was so damn CORNY! I'm NEVER like this! But at the same time, it just felt so fucking GOOD at that moment, and I could NOT stop thinking about him. My whole body was so weightless and overwhelmed that I didn't know what to DO with myself. It was like my whole body would just react to his presence and it was killing me. How do people 'function' when they're so hopelessly goofy like this?
"I saw you blush." He said a few minutes later.
"I saw you 'wink'."
"Well, you're awfully easy to stimulate, aren't ya?"
"I guess it depends on who's doing the stimulating."
"Ooh, flattery points for Jesse. I'm impressed." Nick said, and then saw a couple walk in to be seated. "Hold on for a second. Don't go anywhere, ok?" I nodded, and watched his every graceful step as he seated the two customers at a booth in the corner. I swear, just being able to look at him without having to protect this 'secret' of mine so closely...it was breathtaking. He quickly got the pleasantries out of the way and walked back over to me with a grin. "I want you to come over tonight."
"Come over where?"
"To my house, stupid. I want you to come over."
"Isn't your mom there?"
"Maybe..." He gave me the most mischevious smirk when he said it. "...Maybe not." And that was all that had to be said. From that moment on, I became a total klutz for the rest of the night. My fingers fumbled with everything, my ability to drop things more than once increased drastically, and I was practically running into the walls. Nick didn't say much of anything at all, he'd just look at me from accross the room and smile knowingly. I think it pleased him to see me so rattled. Not to mention that my erection was working overtime all of the sudden! For crying out loud! I felt like I was 13 again, still trying to figure out how to control the damn thing.
By the time work was over, I was a total wreck, and yet still shivering with excitement like a puppy wagging his tail until he fell over. Oh man....oh man oh man oh man! Calm down Jesse...you'll make yourself sick trembling like this. We all finished our shifts at 8 that night, but Nick got to leave a bit earlier than me because I still had to count my bank and all before I could walk out. Then I met Lindsay over by the lockers and put my jacket on. "So you feel like spending some of that money tonight? I know a few places we can hang out if you just wanna chill for a bit." She said.
"Um....actually, not tonight." I could feel that nervous energy building up again, and it was making it hard to breathe. I looked around a bit, and swiftly checked around the corner too. Then I leaned over to whisper, "Nick invited me over."
Lindsay's eyes brightened up. "Seriously? Omigod, that's AWESOME!"
"Oh, fuck you! I'm happy for you! You should be glad I'm not totally screaming right now."
"Well, you're not far from it, you know?" I said, and she decided not to pick at my nerves anymore than necessary. "I'm just...you know...I didn't expect this."
"So? Just go with it. And make sure to remember everything because I'm gonna ask for details later."
"No...I mean...I don't know what to...I'm not sure how to..."
"Ohhhh no! Dude, we are SO not having this conversation right now!" Lindsay grinned. "No way."
"I'm not asking for tips or anything...I just wanna know...exactly...how do I say this?"
She covered my mouth with her hand. "You DON'T say this! Look, it's like you and me playing doctor. It's just the advanced version." I looked around to see if anyone was close enough to hear us talking. It felt like the walls themselves were listening to every word. "STOP that!" She said. "Listen, you kiss what needs to be kissed, you suck whatever tastes good, and somewhere between taking your clothes off and putting them back on, you two will come out of it completely satisfied."
My mouth dropped, "Nice. A rather poetic way to put it, thanks."
"Hey, the worst thing that could happen is that you find out you have to practice over and over again to make it better, right? Hehehe!" And she started to walk away. "C'mon, let's go."
"Wait a second..."
"What?" I had 'excited' myself with the thought, and as I tried to lean somewhat comfortably against the lockers, she knew what I was talking about. She just shook her head. "You have become such a basket case."
A few 'softening' moments later, we both walked out to the front, where Nick was waiting. Hair down, sparkling white teeth shining through a divine smile, and his eyes fixed on me with a gaze of pure gold. "You ready?" He asked, and Lindsay smiled instantly.
"You two have fun." She giggled, and walked out.
It was then that Nick held the door open for me and we marched out to the sidewalk. My stomach fluttered the whole time, and it was the beauty of his affection that held it together. Funny how he could be both the cause and the cure simultaneously. We walked the streets for a good twenty minutes, heading towards his house. The conversation was pretty much your normal co-worker chit chat. Nothing all that romantic or mushy, just friendly. But there was a moment when he mentioned a cute guy that he sat down in Lindsay's section, and it made me think. "Hey Nick?"
"Tell me...tell me about your...um...ex." I guess I was just curious, and was desperately hoping that it wasn't so much a painful thing. But I just...I wanted to know.
"There's really nothing to tell. I thought he was cute, he thought I was cute, we decided to go out." Nick shrugged his shoulders, "I think it lasted all of three weeks. Two and a half, to be honest."
"Nothing happened. We didn't have anything in common. We didn't talk, we couldn't really laugh together, he didn't take much interest in 'me', you know? I kept trying to get him to go out places to talk and get to know each other, and he kept trying to get me alone and 'really' get to know each other. And I guess...I wasn't really down for that." Nick told me. "There was one time though, that I was just really horny and I had convinced myself that I wanted that too. But...once I got there, we started kissing, and his tongue was just everywhere. His hands were groping me, he was just...really 'hungry' about it. He kept telling me how crazy I made him and how much he wanted me and...it just felt wrong. It was like I was kissing a stranger. My body was reacting in all the ways that it was supposed to, and if I had stayed I would have been just as sexually satisfied as I would be with anyone else on the planet. But...I just...didn't."
"How come?" I asked, then realized hw stupid that sounded. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a dork about it. You don't have to answer that..."
"No, it's ok. It's not that hard to answer. I needed something better. I needed someone who was intrigued by me, someone who cared about my interests and whispered sweet romantic phrases in my ear. I wanted someone who thought of me all the time, not just when his dick was hard. Someone who would go out of his way to do sweet things for me, and send me love and kisses every chance that he got. That's what satisfies me more than anything. A genuine person who excites me just by showing me the glory of his smile. It was obvious that I wasn't going to get those little details with him, so I stopped him before it went any further."
"Was he hurt?"
"Ha! No...actually he was pretty upset. We had a very clear 'moment of truth' there, and I was GLAD that I didn't give that asshole my virginity. I would have regretted it the rest of my life. I assume he's pumping, sweating, and drooling on some brainless blond pretty boy who doesn't know any better right now. But I don't plan to be that boy. I know what I want." Nick said as we approached his front porch.
"And what's that?" I asked.
"A kiss...that truly means something. From someone who means twice as much." And he leaned in to tenderly press his lips against mine. The sweetest most angelic kiss, no pushing and grinding, no hands gripping at any privates, no tongue...just a physical connection, representing a shared emotion. And my soul was lifted.
We went into a dark house, but he made no attempt to turn on the lights. Instead, he took a hold of my hand, such a gentle tug at my fingertips, and led me to a staircase. He turned to kiss me again for a moment, and our breaths slipped from one mouth to another and back again. His kiss brought so much life to me. I've waited my whole life for this. He then turned to pull me softly up the stairs to his room.
There's a well defined feeling of fear, and a well defined feeling of joyful excitement and anticipation. However, the closer we got to his bedroom, the line between the two blurred into something I couldn't really explain at all. Becoming one confused emotion as he closed the door behind us. He kissed me again before opening a drawer next to his bed, and lighting a single candle on his desk. It was such a tiny flame, and yet it seemed to shower the entire room with its golden glow. And as he stepped forward towards me again, he took a hold of both of my hands, and kissed me deeply once again. I think he could feel my heart beating, pounding away frantically in my chest. But he never rushed me. Instead, he continued to kiss me softly, until the smooth and rhythmic motion of his lips relaxed me, lulling me into a trance that washed over me like a warm shower on a winter morning. His hands stayed locked on mine, his fingers tangled in mine, and once he felt me loosen up a bit more...he released them to place his hands on my hips. I felt a bit awkward at first, not knowing whether to do something with my hands or just allow them to dangle. But I experimentally placed them on top of his smooth arms for a moment, and they seemed to glide upwards to his slim shoulders almost instinctively. I could still feel the shivers of tiny tremors going off inside of my chest, but the more I fell in love with his kiss, the more my instincts took over. There was no thought involved at all. My hands suddenly kne what to do, so did my lips, so did my tongue. And when I heard an almost inaudible whimper escape from Nick's throat...I was suddenly beginning to believe that this wasn't going to be as hard as I had expected it to be.
My hand moved around to the back of Nick's neck, his hair gently tickling the top of my knuckles as I slowly moved it in small circles, bringing his kiss closer to me. Our sensuous lips sliding against each other with a heated passion. His hads gripped my hips, and pulled me against him, my hardness jumping the moment it came in contact with his. I heard a boyish moan in the silent room, and it took a second or two to realize that it was my own. I became so lost in the moment, and was worried that I'd miss something, some minute detail that I was going to want to remember for the rest of my life. And God knows...I didn't want to miss a thing. Not a thing.
Again, when the kissing became comfortable, when the contact became natural, Nick escalated it a bit more. This time, by running his hands underneath my shirt. Not much higher than my waist, but it was skin on skin, and it drove me wild. I felt my kiss become even more emotional, and that gave him the confidence to move forward. I pushed forward slightly with my hips, and his hands roamed up and down my sides. You could hear the faint smacking and wet popping of our lips as we struggled to kiss and breathe at the same time. And when he stopped, he looked me in the eye as his fingertips slowly lifted my shirt up at the sides. I began to tremble nervously again, but hid the flutters as best as I could. I didn't want him to stop. I never wanted him to stop. And then...he lifted it over my head. I raised my arms to help him, and he did it so smoothly, so carefully. That one moment of blindness when my shirt covered my eyes, felt like an eternity. I just wanted to be locked on his eyes forever. He reached out to touch my chest, just as smooth as his fingers were, and he gave me a seductive smile as kissed me again. I could feel his hands on my back, I could feel the warmth of his arms wrap around me, and my head was spinning from the sensation. I did my best to mimic his actions, and signaled that I wanted his shirt to come off as well. Everything happened slowly. Nothing moving forward until we both felt good about it, until we both felt wanted by it. My breath caught up in my throat as I felt the warmth f his skin under my hands as it came into view. Pecs and abs that were made for a boy of 12, defined and undefined at the same time. Small dime sized nipples, matching the color of his lips. And when he raised his arms, two small silken bushes of hair under each arm. As I pulled the shirt all the way off, his smile was the first thing to come back into view. Followed by his beautiful eyes, then a cascade of his soft hair flowing down afterwards. And I remembered every detail. Every miraculous detail.
We reached out to feel each other, exploring, absorbing. And then he looked up into my eyes, and he said, "I love you, Jesse." The words caused goosebumps to rise up all over me, from head to toe. An electric feeling that buzzed beneath my flesh, trying to reach out for Nick with every bit of energy that it could muster. This was sex, true sex, and I wasn't even undressed yet.
"I love you too..." I kissed him again, and our chests bumped with the most tender collision, the loving friction sliding back and forth between us. I felt him move a little, and I could sense that he was kicking off his shoes, so I did the same. It felt so good to be so close. He then pushed me slightly backwards, and we continued to kiss as he lay me back on the bed. We didn't bother to pull the sheets back. Any activity that took me away from the pleasure of this kiss was discarded, and only the feel of his body heat mixing with mine was left.
His frame melted into mine, and we rolled delicately back and forth over the cool sheets, his hands gliding the trail of my virgin skin, my soul concentrated on the power of his kiss. I sighed out loud when he moved his lips tenderly down to my neck, nibbling softly. I loved the feel of his suction, and I squirmed underneath him. We had already gone so far, and yet I could only now believe that this was happening. His fingers rolled around softly on my belly, tracing the rim of my navel and making me smile with the ticklish sensation. Then he slipped it slowly downward. I could feel his fingers undoing my belt, and my mind was pulled back to that nervous jitter as it came loose. My confusion returned, even through all of that beautiful emotion. Worry, doubt, fear...it swirled up inside of me, and as the button came loose, and the zipper slowly slid downwards...I felt the pounding in my chest. Hoping I was big enough, hoping I was clean enough, hoping I'd be good at this whole love making thing at all. But Nick was never in a hurry. I think he could feel me tense up again, because he slowed down again, and placed a comforting kiss on my chest, right above my heart.
I felt him lick at my nipples, his tongue leaveing a cool trail behind it. And then he sucked at it as I felt his hand touch me through my boxers. It laid on top of it for a moment, then rubbed back and forth across my length with a slight pressure. I closed my eyes and let another whimper escape my lips. My hips instinctively pushed up off of the bed, and wiggled in slow motion under him. One of my hands went to the back of Nick's head, and held him against my chest, wrapped in the softness of his hair. The other hand was left to dangle, only finding meaning when it gripped tightly onto the side of the mattress and held on as though it were my anchor to this unbelievable fantasy.
His hand moved with more fever, and he lifted his lips from my chest long enough to see what he was doing. This was it...I took in a deep breath, and refused to let it go. Nick's hand crept under the waistband of my boxers and reached inside. I gasped as it took hold of me, and Nick looked back to kiss me on the lips momentarily. Then, ha laid his head back on my chest, and worked his hand down further, under my balls, and he began to push my boxers and my pants off in one piece. I could still feel myself shaking, but I helped him by raising my hips. I could feel my hardness becoming exposed to him, flopping backwards onto my belly and aching for him to touch it again. My eyes were wide open, staring straight up at the ceiling, trembling like crazy. And I then lifted one knee to help get one leg of my pants off. The other leg followed and my pants fell to the floor. I spread wide as I lay there on his sheets wearing nothing but a pair of white socks. I was so hard, but so scared. My mind went wild with thoughts, wondering if he thought I was 'ok'. Wondering if he'd stop. Then...he placed his hand low on my stomach, and began to kiss me again. I didn't know if I was doing this right or not, but his hands roamed downward again, and then began to lightly take a hold of me. It put me at ease to feel him continue, and I spread my legs even wider as a silent offering. It was the first time I had ever shared my body with anybody, and his gentle treatment of it so far granted him full access. He had me.
We kissed like that for the longest time, but I was so close to losing it, and I didn't want to. Not yet. I wasn't sure how to get him to stop without making it sound like I didn't want it, but I would have to do something soon. So I broke ur liplock, and after a short pause, looking into the beauty of his eyes, I reached down to unfasten his pants. We were only moments from being naked together. Completely naked. And whatever happened after that, was anybody's guess.
My removal of his pants wasn't anywhere near as smooth, hehehe! I think I fumbled around a bit, and he stopped kissing to help me. "I'm sorry, hehehe..." I whispered.
"Shhhh..." He giggled. And he took them off completely. I waited to see him naked. I had been waiting since the first day I laid eyes on him a month or so ago. And he was everything that I thought he would be, and more. Maybe a little bigger than me, but not by much. It was beautiful. Everything about him was perfection. When he was done, he laid back on the mattress beside me and just stared into my eyes for a moment. His eyes were two pools of blue green splendor that dazzled me with just a touch of their dreamy gaze. The candle lit room made everything look magical, and as his hand reached up to caress my face, I was lost to the rest of the world. He let his fingertips slide back to sweetly tug at my ear, and then further to run through my hair. We turned on our sides and let our lips meet again as I nervously let my hand rest on his side. It was soooo unexplainably smooth. Frictionless without his clothes. And I could feel the gentle rise as it slid down his hip and up over his thighs. I was breathless, and let my hand timidly move around to the softness of his cheeks. I sighed as I felt it sitting there on the bubbled mound, and he let it stay there without rejection. Without discomfort. Even when I squeezed a handful of it, having the balloon like globe soften in my hands like warm clay.
He pulled me in closer, and for the first time, our naked bodies intertwined with one another. Our legs wrapped around each other, our hardness pressed together, our chests close enough to synchronize our heartbeats...I was in heaven. Every kiss was a measure of love that I had never known, and my tension increased as they landed further and further down my chest. His soft strands of sandy blond hair brushed seductively over my skin, and I felt my stomach tighten with every gentle breeze of it. He rolled me over onto my back, and I knew where he was heading. What would it feel like? What would it taste like? Do I move? Do I stay still? It's times like this that I had watched more porn in my lifetime. I was just hoping that my body would know what to do...praying that it would be alright. It's funny, you spend so much of your young life thinking about this every second of the day...and yet, when you're first exposed to it, all you do is think think think. I suppose it'll be some time before I can enjoy this without my mind going haywire on me.
I felt his first kiss land on the tip, and I felt it throb, sweel, and tighten from the contact. A second kiss, and I nearly lifted my hips a full six inches off of the mattress. He could feel my excitement, and I could feel his smile as he lowered his kiss to right above my thin patch of dark hair. And then, without much more of a wait, I felt him raise his head from my stomach, and then engulf me about halfway down. My eyes sprang open, looking down to watch what was happening, and my whole body tingled as this warm wetness bathed my member from all sides. Oh God...it was so soft and hot in his mouth. And when he slowly sucked at it while his head came back up to the tip, I almost erupted right there and then. My hand grabbed an even tighter hold of the mattress as the other one held on to the pillow behind my head. Dwn he went again, this time even further, and another long reverse suck to the top. This began a slow and easy rhythm, and my eyes couldn't decided whether to stay open or closed. The wet friction of his tastebuds swept across me as his tongue slid up and down on me. I could hear the sound of him sucking me, and one of my hands went down to caress his back as my hips began a rolling motion. My body took over, now in a sexual haze that demanded a whole other set of instincts in order to operate. Different from everything else in life. And the feeling was only getting stronger, building up, waiting to explode with a purpose. Finally...my mind went blank...and all of my worries and doubts faded into the flicker of the candle in a dark room. No other thoughts were needed.
My hand rubbed back and forth on his back, and then further down to his ass, squeezing it again. I moaned out loud, as Nick picked up the pace and increased his suction. He liked me to touch him. I did it again, and touched different parts of him, all that I could reach. I used his whimpers to feel him out, and it was then that I brought his legs up towards my head. I coaxed him with my hand on his stiffness, and he complied. We lay there, head to toe, and I looked at the beauty in front of me. I didn't hesitate, I didn't worry, I simply took a hand to wrap around it's length and brought it closer to my face. It was so hot, and pulsing a little beneath my fingers. The scent of it was like nothing I had ever experienced, arousing beyond belief. And I laved it with my tongue, letting his flavor enter my mouth and complete the act. Then, with a hand on his thigh to pull him close, I took Nick into my salivating mouth, and began to suck at it. Moving my head back and forth slowly, just tasting him, just feeling him taste me.
I knew it was bad to use your teeth, and figured that I'd have no trouble with that. It's not like I wanted to bite him or anything. But it wasn't the front teeth that I had to worry about it. It was the ones in the back. I sucked as much of him into my mouth as I could on every downstroke. And occassionally he would get gently scraped on my back teeth. I felt bad when he jumped or twitched a little, but he never asked me to stop. Besides, he knicked me a few times too, and it really wasn't all that bad. By the time you felt it, it was over, and the pleasure had returned. But having him in my mouth, his mouth on me, his body so interlocked with mine in such a passionate way...it all became too much. I felt the orgasm beginning its journey, and I knew that I only had a few seconds before it was too late to turn back. I didn't want to let go, not in his mouth. But I didn't want him to stop. I didn't want to stop sucking long enough to tell him to.
Still...I let him slip out from between my lips and moaned, "Nick? I think I'm...I'm close....ok?" But he didn't stop. Did he hear me? "Nick....mmmmm....dude, seriously..." He kept going and I started to pull my hips back from him. I slid out of his suction for a moment, but he was quick to move forward and get back on it. I wasn't going to be able to hold it for much longer. Nick wrapped his arm around my thigh to keep me from pulling away, and then rolled over on top of me, never once letting me slip out again.
He now was sucking hard at me, and I was past the point of no return. I began sucking harder on him too, his legs straddling my head, his warm sack sitting on my upper lip, filling my nostrils with his scent. My hands were free to now grab two handfulls of his ass, and I pulled him further into me, squeezing and kneading the cheeks, feeling the sleek smoothness of his legs on the sides of my face. The moment of truth had arrived, and I began raising my hips. My whole world exploded as my body began feeling more and more weightless beneath him. I had to take him out of my mouth, breathing hard and whimpering like a lost toddler. I leaned my head from side to side, kissing the insides of his warm thighs, leaning up to kiss and lick at his balls. Then I wrapped my arms around his waist completely and lifted my hips up into his sucking mouth as I burst uncontrollably with release. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see...pulse after pulse of my juices were being forced out in a frenzy Nick struggled to keep his mouth on my gyrating hips. I didn't think I'd be able to STOP shooting! I whined and wiggled, enraptured with my first shared orgasm. And my virginity was lost. Lost in the throws of passion, with the boy of my choosing. A boy who chose me. It took me a while to remember to breathe.
I had to regain my senses first, but then went back to sucking on Nick with added intensity. He tasted so good, and the way his cute little hips would move around on my face was driving me wild. He was still nursing at me, and the tip ws becoming so sensitive that it was causing me to shake and shiver. Not painful, not pleasurable, but an erotic middle ground between the two. I sucked harder, trying to watch the teeth, trying to please him and turn his world inside out the way he had done for me. And he finally let go of me with his lips. He whimpered, whispering words of love so breathlessly that they were impossible to understand. He rubbed my thighs as his body squirmed over my head, kissing my legs, kissing my stomach. He was pushing into me, and although the moment came when I wondered if I should even attempt to swallow his offering...I had no regrets whatsoever when I felt him tense up, and that first splash of warm tangy fluid washed over my tongue. More followed, and I only wished I had a chance to taste the first beginnings of one blast before being blessed with another. I held onto his cheeks and gripped them tightly as I drained him. The feel of his lithe body in the process of orgasm...there are no words to explain the awe of it. The utter amazement. When he was finished, and we had both collapsed from our climax, he rolled off to the side and we lay there silent, head to toe, until I souls had come back to us from their trip to cloud nine.
Nick's mother didn't come back until four hours later. I left just minutes before. And in that time, Nick and I shared a few more explosions between us. It was a first for the both of us, an AMAZING first for the both of us, but it was far from the last. When I left, our budding relationship was set in stone. The idea of a one night stand or a regretful mistake were as far away from our minds as the moon itself. And I could tell from his goodbye kiss at the door that we'd have a lot more to share in the times to come.
I smiled for 48 hours straight after that night. Lindsay definitely got some details after making her BEG for them! Hehehe! But I didn't tell her everything. Some things I kept to myself, and others....there just weren't any words created to describe them. Now that I knew what the big deal about sex was, I can tell you that it was well justified. After that first time, I couldn't get enough. Neither could he. God help the empty room that Nick I were allowed to spend more than fifteen minutes alone in. The love never stopped, it just kept growing.
Nick went back to school once the summer was over, leaving me and Lindsay alone at the restaurant. He spent every moment he could with me up to the very last hour when he had to leave. I cried, oh MAN did I cry, but he knew how to comfort me. And he'd always hold me until I stopped. Nick assured me that everything would be ok, and he kept his word. Even though he was away at college, and I still had a year of high school left, we kept in touch practically every day. Even if it was only to say 'I love you' and nothing more. We visited every holiday, and we made love every chance that we could find. Including one time at work....but SHHHH, that's our secret! Let's just say that it never gets cold enough in a cooler to stop you in the heat of the moment. And I knew that I had a boyfriend for life. It was the first leap of faith that I had ever taken that led me somewhere, and I couldn't be more happy. I couldn't be more happy.
And to all of you readers, and to all of you writers, please feel free to drop by the new "Comicality Cafe" and share your thoughts on erotica online! Hear from some of your favorite authors and ask any questions you may have on how to get started! Enjoy! :)