Winter Dreams

Part 5. 'Realization'

The day was a solemn one. Music was played while everyone congregated at the church. It was Carlos Fuentes's wake and his friends and family has come to grieve for their loved one. Everyone was in a somber mood. Some were crying. Some just sat silently, still shocked at the whole fact that Carlos was now dead. I on the other hand, was one of the aforementioned. I cried and expressed my sorrow. I kept on thinking these thoughts to myself. . .

I was shocked. I couldn't believe this. My best friend is dead. He is gone from my life forever. What would I do without him in my life. He was like a brother to me and now he's gone. I just clenched my eyes and cried. I cried and cried. I didn't care what the others thought. I just wanted to let my feelings out. I had the right to. He was my best friend whom I shared every secret with, who I've done almost everything with. He was my friend, my brother. God why did you take him away from me. Why? How dare you! He was a good man. He never done anything wrong. How can you be so cruel? Why? Tears flooded out of my eyes. They my face was wet with tears and my dress shirt was now wet. I didn't care. I just cared for my friend who is now gone. Gone forever.

A middle aged woman, dressed in a classy black dress with hair pulled back and light make up, got up of her seat and came over to where I was sitting. She put her hand to my shoulder and spoke.

"Eric, don't do this to yourself. Carlos wouldn't want you to be this way. I know you loved him dearly and you two were like brothers but don't put yourself through this." She spoke in broken English.

"Mrs. Fuentes, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault that Carlos is dead. I killed him. I made him cross the street. I could have stopped him but I didn't. I. . .I. . .I couldn't save him like he did to me." I broke down crying bringing my hands to my face.

"Oh poor baby. Don't cry. It's not your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for his death. It was an accident. Just an accident that's all. . ." She trailed off and tears came to her eyes. She was now sobbing. I couldn't let her be like this. I wiped my tears off and put my arm around her.

"Mrs. Fuentes. . .I'm sorry. I won't blame myself for what happened. I promise. I shall go on with my life and be strong. Mrs. Fuentes, don't worry. Carlos shall be with god. He'll be happy in his afterlife. I won't be sad." I knew what I just said about me not blaming myself was I complete lie. It was my fault. It was all my fault that he is dead. I had to say it to console his mother. I had to. I'm sorry Mrs. Fuentes. I didn't want to lie to you.

The ceremony went on with the occasional outcries of injustice, and sadness. Mrs. Fuentes had to be driven home for she was in too much grief that she fainted. I just held my gaze on Carlos's coffin. A shiny black coffin. The coffin that shall hold his decaying rotting corpse for the years. The coffin which resembled hell itself, black, silent. The coffin which held the body of my friend, my brother. I couldn't stand this any longer and I rushed out of the church. I rushed out without saying goodbye to the rest of the people. I left. I ran down the aisle and went outside. It was a nice sunny day. Cold but sunny. I screamed out at the top of my lungs. . .

"HOW CAN YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME??? HOW CAN YOU??? HOW DARE YOU??? HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. GOD YOU ARE SO CRUEL. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS. . .how can you. . ." I just fell to my knees on the church steps and cried. I sobbed while passerby's looked at me strangely. I gave them my "go to hell" look. After five minutes of sobbing, got myself up and walked. Walked for no reason, just walked. No destination in mind. Strolling down the streets with my head down, my mind absorbed with thoughts of Carlos, the times we spent with each other.

I must have walked for a really long time because the sun was beginning to set. The beautiful sunset. The sky full of color. I got even sadder. The sky was beautiful but I didn't have Carlos to share it with me. Thinking of Carlos drove me to the edge. I ran. I ran as fast as I could, feeling the bitter air bite into me. The tears were blown to the sides of my face. I closed my eyes and ran. Not caring about my safety nor anyone else's.

I ran down Main Street and bumped into last minute shoppers, who were shopping for the Christmas holiday.

"Whoa. Watch where you're going young man. What do you think this is? A kamikaze mission?" O geesh. I had bumped into this middle aged man and he was now lecturing me on my pedestrian manners. I had no time for this. I had to get away from all this fervor. So was if it was Christmas Eve? I didn't, to put in more foul terms, 'give a fuck.' My freaking friend is dead and this whole holiday spirit thing is not working. I stopped thinking to my self and ran. I ran as fast as I could to get out of this hell hole. I left the old man behind to eat my dust. I ran with tears running down my cheeks. I ran. I ran across Richard Avenue without looking out for traffic. I guess I shouldn't have done that because a car came right at me.

I stopped in my tracks and just glared at the car. If I was to die, then let me die like Carlos. Snot was everywhere and I was a mess. The blood would cover it all up. I'll be in a lovely place with Carlos. I promised I wouldn't leave him and I was keeping my part of the promise. I closed my swollen eyes and braced myself for the impact. People were yelling "get out of the way." Others yelled, "Oh My God. That car is going to hit the young man."

I waited for the car to finally end my trashy life. I loved someone who didn't love me back. My friend is dead. My parents are never home. I get beat up because I'm gay. I hated my life. I hated it. What was a few seconds seemed like an eternity. The car wasn't coming. I opened my eyes and the car screeched to a halt, stopping only a few inches away from me. My life was so trashy even god didn't want me. He let me this tortuous life.

My knees buckled and I fell to the floor. A whole crowd surrounded me murmuring. They were probably talking about my suicide attempt a few seconds ago. So many voices crowed into my head. I couldn't make up what they were saying. The people spun around and around. I couldn't stay conscious. My head was pounding. It was as if a hammer was being struck onto my head. I saw the driver get out of his car and approach me. I knew he was going to yell or scream at me calling me a 'stupid mother f*ck,' just for standing there in the road. I raised my head to catch a glimpse of my lecturer but I couldn't take it any more. My body couldn't take it anymore. The stress and strain was too great on my body. My mind blacked out and I collapsed on the middle of the street. A crowd over looking my weakened body, murmuring, whispering things about this boy who tried to commit suicide.

* * * * * * *

I was on the swing, in the playground of my childhood elementary school, the one me and Carlos went to. I was just sitting there, nothing to do, to say, to look at. I was a still lifeless body, just sitting on the swing, like a bird on a ledge. I awoke out of this trance when someone sat on the adjacent swing. I didn't look. Just out of my trance, listening intently to my surroundings. I heard a bird chirp and cars zoom by. My company finally spoke.

"Eric, why are you doing this to yourself? Why? How could you? I am so disappointed in you." I couldn't speak. Only listen to my stranger talk to me, criticize me. "Eric, please listen to me. I am in a better place now. Uncle Juan is here. You know him. The uncle who would give us piggy back rides. The uncle who died a few years ago." My body just absorbed his words, his tone of voice. I listened to him. But I still didn't look at him. My gaze was fixed on a leaf, tumbling just a few inches above the ground. I think the leaf was trying to gain my attention, like a child whining or pouting for something. I smiled.

My stranger spoke again.

"Eric take care of yourself. Don't worry about me. I will be fine. My life isn't bad. I am with God now. I am happy. Can't you see?" I heard every word he was saying but I had my attention fixed on that playful leaf. My smile grew even wider when another leaf joined it in its playfulness. I thought about the leaves. Two best friends who played together, who shared a bond which was even greater than true brothers. A bond which shall never break.

The person stood up and stood in front of me. I saw a nice smooth silky white robe. It was flowing with the wind. A hand approached my face. It was a dark tanned hand, whose nail bed was kept very well. A strong manly hand. It reached up under my chin and rested the tip of the fingers under my chin. I gazed at the palm. A palm whose life line was cut short because of an accident.

The hand lifted my chin up gently and I finally, for the first time, in those minutes, looked at the person keeping me company. He had an angelic face. A pure face with so much expression. A face which was happy and smiling at me. A light glowed brightly behind this angel, this angel who smiled at me, trying to convince me to live my life with conviction. With pride and grace. The lips on this heavenly angel parted for a moment and a sweet melodious voice poured out.

"Eric. I love you. Take care of yourself you hear."

A light flashed and he was gone. I lost him. I knew I had lost him forever.

One single tear fell down my cheek and I finally realized. I finally realized that I didn't lose Carlos. He would forever be in my heart, my soul. I shall love him forever and keep on loving him 'till my last breath.

With one final whisper, I said the words, "I Love You."

I looked all around me. Someone was calling me. Someone was calling my name. I couldn't make out who it was. It was faint, so very faint. I got out of the swing. I ran all around the park. I had to find out who was calling me. The voice got louder. And louder.

"eric. . .eric. . ." The leaves that were floating on the ground, rose up and brushed my cheek.

My eyes opened. I couldn't see clearly. Where was I? Who was this person next to me. It was a man. A man was calling my name. A dark haired man. He was at the edge of the bed. He looked at me. His eyes was full of energy, caring and kind energy. He was gently caressing my cheeks with the back on his fingers, while calling my name.

The gentle whisper and touch came from Jarod.

End of part 5.

Thanks to the fans out their for your support. I really hoped this part was ok with you guys. I know there isn't much sex in my story but I hope that doesn't take away from story. I promise I shall include more "things" in my future chapters. Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for part 6. O yeah, if you noticed, I named my chapter. Well this will happen from now on or when I remember to do it. =)
As usual, all comments are welcome. Email lil_ngel@hotmail.com