Date: Thu, 6 Dec 2001 02:01:50 -0800 From: Chris Knutson Subject: Wonder part 1 Wonder - Part 1 (c) 2001 Chris Knutson kamin@nventure.com http://www.biomime.net This story is one I started back on December 1, 2000, but shelved it for a while, due to lack of interest in writing at all. I picked up interest in writing a few weeks ago, and pretty much finished parts 1 and 2 of Wonder. I dedicate this to Jeanell, Chris N, and Claudia, for their support over the months and years. I love you three. This is also dedicated to everyone from the tragic events of September 11, 2001, to all those that lost their love in the events, and to everyone that died needlessly due to the idiotic horrors from a few unhuman people. Be sure to read my other story in the nifty archive - Love-Just-In-Time So, without any futhur lingering, here is the first part of "Wonder". ------- "Beep beep beep beep." I wake up to the wonderful sound of my alarm going off. I smack around for it and finally find it. I hate that sound. It means I have to get up and go to hell. I pull the covers off of me and shiver at the cold. I hate it when it's so damned hot the night before and totally freezing the next morning. I slid to the edge and stand up. What to wear. I choose all black clothing. Maybe if I look like a dark enough person noone will bother saying anything to me. It's not like I own anything but dark clothing anyway. I head out of my room and into the bathroom. I flick on the light and look at myself in the mirror. "Sigh, another supposedly wonderful school year ahead of yourself, Seth. Yeah right," I say to myself. I so hope this year is not like my last year in high school. At least I'm starting out fresh in a totally new school, so hopefully I won't face any of the horrors of the last school again. Thankfully I am small, at 5'5", 115 pounds, brown eyes, brown hair, and small wire frame glasses. So if I keep quiet, noone will take notice of me. I don't want anyone to take notice of me. I strip out of my boxers and look at myself a little more closely. There I am, plain, ordinary, small. I have hardly any hair on my body, just some pubes, a little on my legs, and almost nothing under my arms. I figured having started puberty when I was 11 I would have a little more by now. I get into the shower. I take my time, since I enjoy a nice, long hot shower. After about 15 minutes I get out and dry off. I get dressed and such, and decide I might as well try to eat some breakfast. I rarely can eat anything in the morning without feeling sick afterward. I look through the cupboards and find a box of frosted flakes. I might as well have a bowl of it. I get about halfway through that, then I just can't stomach any more of that. "I might as well head to school and get it over with," I say to noone in particular. Apparently my dad has already gone to work. I grab my bag and head out the door for the walk to school. I hate walking to school, but I have little choice seeing as there is no bus that runs here and I'm only 15 so I can't drive even if I could afford to. I go out the door and see that it's raining. Perfect, just the perfect way to start the school year. I run back in really quick and get my umbrella. I really wonder what my dad was thinking when he choose Washington. We really didn't have much choice, though. Sure, it's beautiful here, but the weather is so unpredictable. I start the walk to school. At least it's a pretty straightforward walk, seeing as how I haven't even really learned this area yet. I've lived here 3 months so far, but rarely leave the house, since the public hangout places aren't me, especially since I don't know anyone anyway. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a real friend. What is it like to really have someone I can talk to, that will listen, that has similar interests, that I might actually leave the house and do something with. I guess I will keep wondering. I know wondering about it is all that will ever happen. I once had someone that I thought was a friend, but at best it was all fake and that person weren't really a friend. I try not to think about that too much, since a lot of things from that upset me deeply. . Did I mention that a lot of my darkness comes from being gay? Events in my past related to that, things that I will not think about if I hope to remain stable and make it through my life, at least for a long while. As I'm walking along, I notice that a lot of water has collected in one spot on the road. I wonder for how long it's been raining. As soon as I walk by that puddle of water, a car drives by and splashes me all over. "Fuck!!" I scream out loud. Not only is the water very cold, it's also dirty. I cannot believe this is happening to me on my first day. All of a sudden I notice the car stop. I think he realized what he did, given the wave he kicked up when he went by me. It is some decent looking car, I'm not sure, I don't keep up on cars. He backs up and pulls up along side me. The passenger window rolls down. "Oh man, I am SO sorry about that!" says a beautiful guy of about 16 years old. The first thing I notice is his beautiful medium length light blond hair and deep blue eyes. Wow, he's actually apologizing to me instead of yelling at me for being in the way of the water or something. "I'm used to my parents old car which didn't kick up that much water. I take it you don't have any dry clothes, do you?" he asks me. "No," I say in a low voice. Of course I don't carry dry clothes with me, I don't expect to get soaked walking along the road from other vehicles. I wonder why this guy is talking to me, don't tell me he actually cares about what he did to me. "Let me give you a lift back to your place so you can get changed, then I'll drive you to school. You won't have enough time to walk back and then walk to school without being late," says the driver. All I can think about during this time is that he has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. "You don't have to," I say back to him. "Nonsense, hop in." With that, I wonder what the hell do I have to lose. He looks like any high school student, so I doubt he's someone who wants to tie me up and kill me. I open the door up and notice the interior is full leather. "Are you sure you want me sitting in here being this dirty?" I ask. "Yeah, don't worry about the leather, I can clean in. Besides, you're not really muddy." He smiles at me with this. I can't help but notice how wonderful the smile is. All of a sudden I catch myself and ignore it, I can 't let anyone know about me. I hop in the car and he turns around. "Just take a right at 78th Ave, I'll show you where it's at from there," I say to the driver. "Cool. I live down that road. I'm Sebastian, by the way." "I'm Seth," I say, looking at him as I say this. "Cool name guy," he says to me smiling. "Nice to meet you, though I wish we could have done it under better circumstances." I don't even reply. I feel so uncomfortable, and it's not the wet clothing causing it. I just want to get this over with and get to school. Well, I'd rather not be in school either, but at least there I can hide myself amongst all the people instead of being the center of attention like I am right now. We get to 78th Ave and I point the house out to him. Ah, he can see how much of a ghetto I live in. "I'll be waiting out here, alright?" Sebastian states in a matter of fact voice. "OK," I whisper back. I run inside to my room and look for some different clothing. Black still works. I quickly change, towel off my hair, and head back out. I lock the door and walk to Sebastian's car. I notice he is watching me the whole way. I get in the car. "I thought you were going to change?" asks Sebastian. "I did," I respond back to him. "Oh," says Sebastian. I think he was a little shocked that I came in and out wearing the exact same look of clothing despite having changed. He starts the drive back to the high school. He keeps quiet, which I'm glad for, I really don't feel like talking at all. We get to school. Sebastian turns and looks at me. "Seth, again, I'm so sorry about what happened," says Sebastian in a real caring tone of voice. "Thanks for taking me home to get changed. I need to run to class, I don't want to be late." I say back trying to get away from this as soon as possible. "Hey, since you're on my way, how about I give you a lift to and from school from now on?" asks Sebastian. "No, that's OK. I have to go." "Alright, if you ever change your mind just look for me and let me know. I' ll see you around Seth." "Yeah, I guess," I whisper out to him. With that I grab my bag and leave. I walk towards the main building. I look back and see Sebastian staring in my direction. I figure he's just looking at something or someone near me. I proceed to my first class. I already got my schedule the other day, as well as a map of the school, so I think I know where all my classes are. I brought the map with me anyway though. Ah, my first class. Setup and Layout of Computer Networks. I have a thing for computers, mainly since they are something that I can understand, and not have to put on some fake face for to talk to. I walk into the class and see several people there. I don't see anyone I know, which I figured would be the case, as I don't know anyone here. I find a seat in the back of the room and set my stuff down. As the bell rings, someone runs in the door. It's Sebastian. Please don't sit near me. I see Sebastian look around the room, and then he notices me in the back. Damn. He starts to walk back to me, then the teacher yells out, "Just in time, huh?" Sebastian looks back and says "Oh, you know, I had to run make world this morning, I had to get FreeBSD 4.3 running, certain things are important, you know." I open my eyes wide with that one. FreeBSD? Did I hear that right? I thought I was the only one that actually knew anything about that OS. And he even said, "make world." Stop. I can't get close to even remotely thinking of knowing anyone here. Too much pain involved in it. Sebastian starts to walk to the back where I am sitting. Just great, I think to myself. I watch him as he sits down next to me. "Hey there guy, I see we have the same class together," says Sebastian. "Yeah, it seems that way," I say back. "OK class, I have some things to do for the next 15 minutes, so feel free to talk to each other and get to know each other more," screams out the teacher. The room starts to turn a little more active, as people look around, and then start talking to the people around them. The only one near me is Sebastian, and I know he will talk to me. I start to really tense up. I really hope the rest of my day is not like this. Sebastian turns to me. "Looks like I made it in just in time. I had trouble finding my parking spot. They redid the parking lot over the summer and now nothing makes sense here," says Sebastian. It doesn't look like I am going to get out of this one. If I try to I know it will be worse if I do. I pull on my boring (well, to most) geek face and turn to him. "FreeBSD, huh? I thought I was the only one." I have a habit for changing a subject quickly, it seems. "I'm still running 4.0, as I don't have access to a connection where I can get it in less than 5 days. What's it like?" I say with some intrigue in my voice. OK, what is it with this guy? Normally I can just ignore anyone no matter what the topic and play dumb. "Dude, I love that operating system. Linux blows. I am really surprised that anyone else has even heard of it. 4.3 is really nice, as they made some updates that allow it to run a lot better on some tasks. South Hill has DSL now, how come you are running such a slow connec." with that he pauses, I think he just realized why I don't have DSL having seen my house. Well, it looks like I won't have to worry about having to push this one away, my surroundings will do it for me. This guy is probably like everyone else, and only will look at the superficial. "It's pretty obvious when you think about it. It's not by choice." with that I kind of put my head down and feel some sadness come over me. For some reason I don't feel sadness for having such a slow connection, I feel sadness for now I know he will want to not even talk to me. I feel a bad feeling in my stomach. What is it? Why am I feeling this way? Damn it. "Don't worry, it's alright," says Sebastian. With that he puts his hand on my back and rubs me. Oh my, I suddenly tense WAY up. Sebastian notices and immediately pulls his hand away. "I can make you a copy of it. Can't let the best operating system go undistributed, huh?" I let out a small laugh. "I can't afford to pay for the CD-R," I say. "Hey, don't worry about it, Seth," Sebastian says with some compassion and understanding in his voice. He gives me a warm smile. I look at it and the smile is beautiful. His eyes are so beautiful. I immediately shake my head and hope to hell that he didn't notice that I gave him more of a look than just a normal conversation would carry. I look back at him and say, "Thanks, Sebastian." Right then, the teacher stands up and starts his little first day of school lecture. I feel some relief come over me. Finally the reason I am here. He talks for a while, takes roll, and lists off the goals and objectives for this semester. It seems like a reasonable class, but not nearly as advanced as I want to do. I guess I'll have to either teach the class myself, or wait for college. I am not about to talk the former. About 10 minutes before the class is over, he stops, and says to talk some more, that he hates doing much of anything on the first day since it's impossible to do much anyway given that noone takes anything seriously on the first couple days after summer vacation. "I just wanted to say to what you said earlier, and that is anytime, guy." he says back to me. "You seem really cool, I think we will be great friends." I look back at him with a slight look of wonder. What would it really be like to have a friend again? Someone to talk to? Someone to actually do something with other than sit in front of my computers or a book all the time? Is it really worth all the risks? How would he take learning all my secrets? Would he accept them, or would he just hate me and tell all his friends to kick my ass on a regular basis and to. I can't let it happen, not again, I can't go through what I went through before. "I don't know. you don't really know me, and if you did, I doubt you would really want to be my friend," I say to him, looking at him very clearly. Fuck, that hurt to say, and I don't know why. One part of me really really wants to be Sebastian's friend, but another part of me knows how this will go. I am struggling like hell inside to keep my self-defense mechanism up. I cannot let it collapse. Not now, not for a long time. Sebastian gets a look of hurt and sadness on his face. Damn it, I didn't want that to happen. He gets a look on his face like he is really thinking heavily. "You don't let people in, do you?" he asks. Shit, I haven't even known this guy for more than an hour, and it seems like he knows my entire life. I shake my head at him. "If you knew me, you would know why it's just easier that way, trust me," I say with such a seriousness in my voice he gets a look of shock on his face like he knows I have been to hell and back. The thing is, I have been further than hell and back. "Seth, I'm sorry. I just want you to know that no matter what, you have a friend in me. I would like to have you as a friend. Seriously, Seth, I don 't have any friends. I may come off as a complete smooth talker, but I'm probably just like you. I take it you don't have any friends, noone to turn to when you have a problem, or someone to talk to, or just to do anything with, anything other than your computers?" he says to me very softly with compassion in his voice. I can't help it, I feel a total wave of pain and sadness overcome me, and I start to cry. It's not like I truly ever wanted things to be this way. I grab my stuff and run out of the class, and locate the nearest bathroom. I run into a stall and throw the latch. I totally break down, and just can't stop crying. I hear the door swing open and try to silence my flood of tears as much as possible. "Seth, are you in here?" It's Sebastian. Shit, why now, why here of all places. I might as well not hide this, it's not like he already doesn't know at least something. I unlock the stall and walk out. I look at him, and he immediately notices how swollen my eyes already are. "I'm sorry." says Sebastian in the most caring and warm voice I have ever heard anyone talk to me in. He comes over and pulls me into his arms. I can't help but melt into him. Where is my cold defense mechanism when I need it the most? I have always been able to hide all this before, no matter who tried to break into it. I put my arms around him and bury my head into his chest and let go my waterworks. I cry heavily into him for about 5 minutes, then let go and pull back. "I'm sorry, Sebastian, I'm sorry." I look at his shirt, and it is just utterly soaked. "I'm so sorry." I say, pulling myself together a little. I feel a little stronger after this, like I have released some pain. I fully prepare to get yelled at, beaten up, or worse. "Seth. Seth. I'm sorry, you must have so much pain inside of you, pain that you have kept trapped inside of you. It's got to be tearing you apart. Am I the first you have ever collapsed to.?" says Sebastian. I look at his eyes, and it almost looks like he is about to cry as well. Fuck, can this day get any worse. I swore up and down I would never do this, that I would never break down in front of anyone other than myself, that I could NEVER let anyone inside of me. Why am I failing? What is wrong with me? "Yes." I say. The bell rings. Sebastian runs over and grabs some paper towels and dries my face. He does it so gently, so gentle. The bell rings. Damn. "Let's get to class," I say. I wonder how I will explain this one to the teacher tomorrow. "Biology." says Sebastian. "Let me see your schedule." I dig out my schedule. He looks it over. "We have exactly the same classes together. Biology, Algebra 3, lunch, business applications, English, and Japanese 1. Weird." Sebastian smiles at me. I can't help but smile back. For the first time ever, smiling back at someone seems right. I don't feel like I am faking it. Suddenly it hits me, I like this guy, he is being a friend to me. He has seen me totally break down, and he did nothing but show compassion and understanding. Why, I ask myself, why would he do this? If he wanted to fuck me over, he's already had several opportunities that I have given him very unwillingly. Why. that's all I can ask myself, why. Sebastian and I walk to the next class together. I feel stronger, that I have someone near me that won't allow anything bad to happen to me. That is, until he finds out why I am so fucked up inside, then I know he will totally go the other way and make my life a living hell, just like it was before. Never can I let that happen again. Sebastian and I spend the rest of the day together, sitting next to each other in every class, and even at lunch. We both pick the back of the room in every location. We talk, constantly, about the basics of our lives up to this point, what we think of each class, and especially computers. I see some awe in him in what I know about computers. I also laugh a lot. Sebastian really has a wicked sense of humor on top of it all. Throughout the day I strength my defenses a little more with each moment, trying like hell to keep the pain inside me shielded, to only show him the outer me as much as possible. And it's more difficult to do than ever before in me. I take a deeper notice of what he looks like, and he is gorgeous. Five foot, eight inches, probably about 140 pounds, chiseled and cute face with medium length blond hair and the most gorgeous deep blue eyes, decent build, and the cutest butt I have ever seen. Sigh, if only to touch it sensually just once in my life. The end of the day rolls around. "Sebastian?" I open a question up. "Yeah, Seth?" "Do you think I could still take that offer up on you driving me home?" "Anytime," Sebastian says to me. And he smiles. Damn, that smile. I can't help but melt. We walk to his car, he throws his stuff in the trunk, but I keep my stuff on me. We talk more on the way home, and he pulls into my driveway. "Seth, that was an interesting first day, I have to say that much. I've been thinking hard throughout the day, really heavily, and I want to tell you something. I don't know how to say this, but I have been thinking about the aspects of us being friends, and I just don't know if I can be..." Right when he says this I know what he is going to say. He hates me, he only was toying with me to see what I am made of. FUCK. I knew this would happen. I immediately change my tone and go on full defense. "WHAT? Why the fuck does this always happen to me!! I finally thought I had found a real friend, and you totally fucking hate me huh?" I don't give him time to answer, I continue screaming. "Yeah, that's it. That's always how it happened. I don't need this shit; I don't even want to be at this fucking school, I want to be far fucking away from everyone and everything. You stupid fuck, you just used me all throughout today so you could take what you learn about me and use it to turn it against me. Well you know what? I'm not playing your fucking game anymore. FUCK YOU Sebastian!!" With that I pull the door open and jump out and slam the door behind me. I run to my front door and unlock it as quickly as possible and run in, not even bothering to shut the door. I can feel my eyes burning and tears running down my face. I run into my room and through my stuff down and collapse on my bed. I grab my pillow and totally let lose, crying harder then I have ever cried in my life. Why? Why did I have to let anyone in again? How could I have been so fucking stupid as to ever even think anyone would want to be my friend, that anyone would ever care about me, that anyone would take any real interest to me? I just want to fucking die, more than ever before in my life. I keep crying, harder and harder. "Seth?" Oh no, it's Sebastian. I suddenly realize he is sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. "Seth, oh my god, Seth, I can't believe. I'm so fucking stupid, I totally started that off wrong. Seth, please, I'm so sorry." with that, Sebastian begins to cry as well. I look up at him, his eyes are full of tears to. He looks like he feels so small right now and that he wants to do anything possible to comfort me. I move to him and grab him and bury my head into his chest. He puts his arms around me and I just let loose. For the next 20 minutes he holds me tight and rubs my back. I know he's crying too, I can feel his tears running down onto me. I pull off his chest and look at him straight in the eyes. "Seth, I'm sorry about the car. I want to tell you what I was going to say, and I hope you won't hate me, please listen, Seth, please. I don't want to just be friends, I think I like you more than that." I open my eyes up really wide. "What are you saying?" I ask, believing I know the answer, but I have to hear it from him. "Seth, I'm gay, and I know this is sudden, but I like you very much," says Sebastian in the most serious tone I have ever heard anyone say ever. "I'm gay too, Sebastian. I have been fighting it all day, but I think I like you too." I say. I put my head back down, feeling shame overcome me. Sebastian pulls me my head back up, and he kisses me, full on the lips. I totally melt into him, suddenly all my defenses have no power; there is no want inside of me to give them that power. "Seth." with that I put my finger to his mouth to keep him quiet, and I pull his arms around me and lay down and fall asleep. End part 1. ---- I hope you liked this. Part 2 is either up or will be up shortly. Feel free to drop me a message, at kamin@nventure.com or check out my website at http://www.biomime.net