Date: Sun, 8 May 2016 19:25:01 +0000 (UTC) From: JoshRJosh Subject: A Brothers Love Part 36 Please do not read if you are not of legal age or if this material is illegal where you live. This story belongs to JoshR. Copyright 2015. All Rights Reserved. Nifty.org is a great site and it is FREE and run by a dedicated person who gives of his time and energy. Please DONATE. Sorry this had taken a while. I've been very busy and Aaron has been very demanding of my time. Not that I mind. I gave this a quick read and decided not to wait to read it over again in a few days. I hope it was readable. A Brother's Love part 36 We left the apartment and walked to the Thai restaurant. I hung back with David. Tina and Aaron walked arm-in-arm. I could hear them laughing. I said to David, "Did you tell her?" "She and I decided that we didn't want to be married and have stuff from our past that might come up. We both agreed that what would bother us would be that we hadn't trusted each other enough to be honest. So, the issue wouldn't be what she did or what I did but `why did you feel you couldn't tell me'." "So, you told her?" "Yes." I felt my stomach sink. "What did she say?" "Well, she wanted to know when and how. I told her it was the Christmas of your senior year and then the summer before you started here and then it ended. I told her that we went into it with our eyes open, no manipulation or coercion. I told her about the Bolts, about the hook ups with guys I had and what we did. Then she asked me why I thought it happened. Was it just lust? And I said no, maybe just the opposite. But I hadn't thought about why. I spent time thinking about it and then told her why I thought it happened. I told her it was over, that I was comfortable and happy that it happened and that if I were thrown back in time to that first day I'd do exactly the same thing." "Wow," I said. He sounded so clear and settled. "She had secrets to share. Things she worried that I might judge her for. Neither of us judged the other. Actually, I think it made us closer." "When did this happen?" "Soon after we were engaged." He glanced at me. "She loves you, Josh. You have to know that." I nodded and sighed. "I told her that I was going to tell you that I told her, but she wanted me to wait a while." "Why?" "She worried that if you knew you'd think she might feel weird toward you, but that now that it's been a while and you see that she loves you, you won't fret." "Okay. I'm just surprised." "Are you ashamed of what we did?" "No. But I guess I think people might judge me." "I get that completely. And a lot of people would. Are you worried Aaron would?" I sighed and thought about what he was dealing with regarding Lucas. "No, not judge. But maybe not understand." "Maybe you need to think about why it happened. Was it just pure lust for you?" I shook my head. Tears filled my eyes. "No." I sighed. "Why do you think it happened?" "How about if you give it some thought and then we talk." We were a block from the restaurant. "Don't worry about Tina. She is one of your biggest fans." I nodded. We arrived at the restaurant. Tina put her arm in mine. She pulled me to her and whispered, "No one was hurt and what's done out of love no one should judge." I felt unsettled throughout dinner. As we left, I realized why. It was not that Tina knew. It was what David said when he asked if I knew why it happened. Was it pure lust? I knew it wasn't, but I hadn't thought about why it happened or more specifically why I wanted it to happen. And also, I wondered if I should tell Aaron. Walking back, the four of us talked. Then Aaron and I went our own way. I knew he would ask and he did. "What were you and David talking about? It all seemed so mysterious." I felt that churning in my stomach. "Stuff." He glanced at me. "I've got to think on this for a while. Let me think about it and then we'll talk." "Is it stuff before us, before we started being a couple?" "Yes." "You can tell me when you're ready, but just to make it easier on you, I think I know. If it is what I think it is, I kind of guessed that summer before we started here." I stared at him as we walked. "Give me a little time," I said. We got into bed. We lay on our sides, facing each other. "Have your feelings changed toward me?" Aaron asked. "No. Absolutely not." Silence. "Well, maybe I feel more protective of you. I mean I feel like I want to beat someone up. I wish I could tae all the pain away." We stared at each other. "You're my best friend, always have been. Nothing will change that." "Well, I feel the same way." I sighed. "What is it that you think you know?" He smiled. "That's not fair." "You're right." "That weekend I was here and the three of us jerked off." I nodded. "Then you drove home with me and then left to come back." I nodded. "You told me that the two of you jerked off together." I nodded. "I know how much you two love each other and all you had was each other and it just seem that you two were very comfortable with each other." I sighed. "First let me say that it was nothing like you and Lucas." "I know that." "And, the truth is that I wanted it to happen. Actually, I made it happen. I'm sure that if I hadn't wanted it to happen, it would never even have come up. He didn't manipulate me or do anything like that." He smiled. "I completely believe you." I sighed. "It started the Christmas when I came up here." "The Christmas when I was outed." "Yes. And it happened that summer too." I sighed. "We used to jerk off together when he was home, but that was it. When I came here we had oral and anal sex. During the summer he told me that he met Tina and was excited about seeing her again and that he worried because it was going to stop between us." "Were you upset?" I sighed. "No. Not really. It's weird." "What?" "David said when he told Tina," "He did. What did she say?" "To David?" I thought for a moment. "I don't know." I told him what she said to me. "He said it wasn't about lust for him, but he wouldn't tell me why he thought it happened. He said I should think about why I thought it happened. Then we'd talk." Aaron said, "I hate the why shit, but I know it's important. I mean when I read and I'm really captivated by a character, it's because I'm trying to understand, see the why. So I guess whys are important." "But I don't know why. I'm not smart like that." He smiled. "Actually, you are." I sighed. "Aaron," "No. Listen to me. You remember the whole thing about not beating David in the butterfly." "This has nothing to do with that." "I know. But you remember how you felt." "Sad, scared, worried." "Right. Well, then you figured out from that that you didn't want him to think you didn't need him there for you anymore. Like he'd be hurt and then he'd abandon you." I sighed and nodded. "So, you're saying I knew why? But I didn't know why. I just knew I was sad and scared." "But that led to why." I stared at him. "Why did I go back to Lucas? It wasn't because I wanted to suck his cock or get fucked. Why did Lucas go back? I mean I think your answer to why it happened is completely different, but," he sighed. "All I remember is that I missed him so much that it physically hurt. And I remember that he was the only person I trusted, the only person I felt close to and I had a physical desire to be with him. It was sexual, sure. But it was more, I wanted to be physically close to him, I don't know. It's hard to explain. I'm stupid with this stuff." "God, I hate when you do that." "Aaron. You're parents talked about their feelings. You're parents expressed love, and anger and pride and all that shit. Mine were like robots that could only love God and could only show disappointment in me. They never hugged me." Tears filled my eyes. "You're parents hugged me. You hugged me. I have no memory of either of my parents ever physically touching me. They never said they loved me. David hugged me. David said he loved me. David was the only contact I had with affection." I wiped tears from my eyes. "You just can't understand. Maybe you can get it in your head, but you'll just never understand how much it meant to me that we were close with each other. I mean I understand now that it was important to him too. He didn't have it either. "But when he left, when he was gone." I began to cry. "I felt so alone, so angry. God, I was so angry," I growled. "When I was flying to UX to see him. My mind, my feelings and my body were so excited. I sat there on the plane with a hard on the entire way." "So that's why it happened." I stared at him. "Because I had a hard on?" "No. Because you were starving and aching to be with him again. Mentally, emotionally and physically. He was all you had that made you feel safe and alive." "He made me feel like things made sense." He stared at me. "He helped me make sense of my parents. It was like they were in their world and I was part of David's world and his world made sense to me. They were fucked up and David said, it's not you, it's them. You're okay, you're really smart, you're lovable, you're a good person. Then he was thrown out. Aaron, what I remember is being so sad, but more than that I felt it deep in my body. Like something was cut away and I wanted it back." "So when you two got together you got it back." "Yes, but what did I get back? I mean we're talking about sex, not living together for a while. I mean we stopped having sex and I still was getting what I wanted." "Then it wasn't about sex, right?" "Yeah, but I'm trying to figure out why we had sex. It's weird, when he said we'd stop, he worried I wouldn't be okay with it, but I actually was. It kind of even surprised me." "So it wasn't about the sex." "I guess. I mean, yeah, it wasn't but." I sighed. "Don't say your stupid. Josh when you do that shit, I hear your fucking father. You talk about yourself just like your father would. And it pisses me off." "You're pissed at me?" "No. I want to fucking kick your father's ass. You are not stupid about this stuff, so stop it. And no one believes you are." "I just wanted to tell him that I loved him more than anyone in the world and I wanted to show him and my body wanted to show him. It was like I wanted to be with him. I remembered being a kid and I'd be scared and I'd go and sleep with him and he'd make me feel safe. I remember peeing my bed and I'd feel so embarrassed and he'd make me feel like it was okay. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this but," I sighed. "One night he got into my bed. I woke up and looked at him. He told me he peed his bed and asked if he could sleep with me. I know this is weird, but I felt so happy that he peed his bed, and that he told me." Tears filled my eyes. "Aaron, my dad used to say I was `weak of character' because I peed my bed. I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew it couldn't be true if David did it too. I remember feeling like an ugly skinny kid and he'd make me feel that I wasn't. I remember feeling like such a freak because I was gay. I mean my parents would throw me away." Tears poured from my eyes. "I felt so scared. I wanted him to, no I needed him to help me feel that it was okay. He said it was, but I just needed him to show me. It was like it was, I don't know." I sighed. He wiped tears from my face. "Aaron, it was like that night when he said he peed his bed." Aaron held me. He said, "Josh I get it." I looked at him, through my tears. He was crying. "After what happened with Lucas, I felt, in my head I told myself that being gay was okay, that my parents would be okay with it, but all I could think about was that people would treat me like he did. It's weird, I knew you wouldn't treat me that way, but I was so scared, so fucking scared that night we picked you up. I was sitting in the back seat shaking. I needed you to be kind to me. To say it was okay. Not because my head said I needed it, but because my body needed it. I don't understand it either, but," I watched him wipe tears from his face and then he wiped tears from mine. "Fuck." "What?" "It's weird. I was always so afraid to do anything athletic. I mean I would rather have eaten a rotting animal than do anything athletic because I was so afraid I'd look pathetic and gay." Tears were falling from his face. "Josh I used to sit in my room and wish I could do stuff like you, with you, but I knew that I'd look ugly and pathetic. Then after you didn't humiliate me when you found out I was gay, that night I said I'd go run with you. You don't even know what a big step that was for me. I almost called you and said that I changed my mind. You can't know how scared I was. Then you said you were gay. My best friend, my athletic, beautiful, hot best friend said he was gay and he wanted to jerk off with me. I mean I started running after that." I smiled. "Fuck you. Okay, so I started fast walking and then jogging. But then I even got a trainer. Do you fucking know what a step that was for me? The idea that some straight muscle guy was going to watch me lift weights. But I didn't fucking care anymore. You made it okay for me to move on past Lucas. David made it okay for you to move on past your parents." "Yeah, but I was having sex with Jamie before that." "Yeah, but I bet in your head and your heart you felt better after David, about being gay and loving a guy. You didn't love Jamie and you really didn't love you." Tears filled my eyes. He said, "Part of you still doesn't, but it's not the gay part, not the part that can love me." "You're right, it's not the gay part. I don't hate the part that loves you. It's the me part. I feel like there is part of me that is not likeable or loveable. That's why I made you promise if we broke up you'd still be my friend. But it's weird. I don't know what that part is." "I think I have that too. I worry that you'll see me, the real me and then you'll not like me." "I've seen the real you," I said, trying not to smile. "And it isn't pretty." Then I laughed. He laughed. "You are such a dick. You always do that. You always have to turn it into a joke and be a dick." I laughed. "I can't help it. It was getting too heavy." He kissed me. He said, "You know, this is universal." "What is?" "That fear if someone see's the real you, they'll turn away. That's why people protect themselves and put up a faade." "Universal." "Yeah, that's why everyone loves the movie, `The Wizard of Oz'." "Because Dorothy gets sucked into a tornado and wants to go home." "The book is so much better. It was written by L. Frank Baum in 1900." "Oh, here we go," I said and poked him. "NO. I mean, there have been so many interpretations of what he was saying. A critique of the times, and all that. But I like the idea that it's all a dream and these are all parts of Dorothy, parts of us. The good witch and the bad witch. The Scarecrow wants a brain, the Tin Man wants a heart, the Lion wants courage. It's like the three parts of us the brain to think, the heart to feel and the me to act." "What?" "The lion is like our personality. The part that acts that interacts with the world. The courage to be yourself." I said, "And the Wizard is a fraud who promises everything but can't deliver." "Yes. That fear we all have that the curtain will be drawn and we'll be exposed for being inadequate so we hide or we overcompensate and be the fraud. I'm going to be humiliated because I'm not athletic, pathetic, gay. And you're going to be abandoned because you are gay. I was humiliated and you were abandoned." "So I helped you." "The curtain was pulled, I was exposed and you didn't see me as inadequate. You, my best friend, put your hands on me literally and said, `I find you attractive', not ugly and pathetic." "And I needed David to put his hands on me and say," "With is body, he had to say, being gay is okay. A basically straight guy had to say it's okay. I will go there with you." I sighed. "Yeah, he said it was okay before that, but I needed him to make it okay. So that when my father made it so not okay, I could be okay. I had David with me." Silence. He said, "Now we have to figure out how to make you believe your `me' is okay. That could take years." I chuckled. He said, "While you're sleeping, I'm going to whisper over and over into your ear, `your me is okay. Your me is okay." "Keep it up and your me isn't going to get laid." He laughed. I laughed. We kissed and held each other. He said, "You've helped me so much with the Lucas thing." "I know. I'm just good that way." "You are such a butt. You really can't take a compliment. You just throw them aside like they are trash." "No, I don't." He grabbed my balls and squeezed. "Okay. Okay. I guess I do." Silence. "Wow, I guess I do, don't I?" "Progress," he shouted. "Asshole." Silence. He rolled onto his back and pulled me so that I had my head on his chest and my arm across his stomach. He said, "Did you ever see me as athletically impaired? It's okay to say yes." "Actually, no I didn't." I looked up at him. "Truthfully, I saw you as a skinny nerd, smart, shy, great abs, nice junk and a great ass, but yeah, skinny." "You said lean." I smiled. He chuckled. "Me stud now," he said in his Tarzan voice. I chuckled. "Hot stud." He played with my hair. I fell asleep. * * * * * Josh must have been worn out because he fell asleep with his head on my chest. I played with his hair thinking about that summer. I remembered masturbating with them and how comfortable they were with each other and with me. I felt my cock getting hard. I listened to him breathing and then felt him drooling onto my stomach. I remembered that when I was staying with them that I wished they'd each take me into their arms and make love to me. If I could have either one of them as a lover, I thought, I'd definitely take Josh. But I had always had a crush on David too. I hadn't sucked dick or been fucked since Lucas but I thought being ravished by either of them would have been exquisite. When I got home I masturbated over and over thinking about sleeping naked with Josh. I knew they always slept in the nude. I fantasized about us jerking off together as I jerked off. Then it occurred to me. Could they be having sex with each other? First the thought set my body on fire, because in my fantasy I'd be with them both. The three of us would be kissing, touching, sucking and fucking. Then I felt jealous and sad. If they were lovers, then I had no chance with Josh. I knew I wanted Josh to want me, to love me, to be sexually attracted to me. But how could I compete with David. I thought about quitting running, not working out with weights, staying home and finding a good book to get lost in. I even thought about not going to UX. Then Josh called. He went on about how many days it was until I'd be at UX and we'd be roommates. He said he missed me. He said that he wanted me to swim with him in the mornings, run with him and David and his roommate and workout with weights with them. I remembered how good I always felt being with him and decided to do whatever I could, no matter how long it took, to convince him to be my boyfriend. Tears filled my eyes when I thought about how I always thought that what I should do is run away and hide, be the pathetic ugly wimp that Lucas said I was. Would Josh ever really know how much I loved it? Would he ever stop worrying that I would see part of him that would make me want to leave him? Would I ever not have as my first response to doubt myself? Josh took a deep breath. His body quivered. He lifted his head and seemed to be staring at my stomach. He looked up at me. "I drooled." "It's okay." He wiped my stomach with the sheet, kissed me and rested his head on my chest. I could feel his body relax into sleep. When I woke it was morning. He was still sound asleep with his arm over me. I got up, started the coffee, peed and brushed my teeth. When the coffee was made, I got back into bed. I uncovered him and sipped my coffee. This was my quiet time, enjoying the sight of Josh's naked body and coffee. We were leaving to go to my parents' house around noon. We still had to pack. I finished my first cup of coffee, got another and one for him. I ran my hand down his spin and across the crack of his ass. He stirred. I lay beside him, staring at him and ran my fingers down his back, over his ass and touched his balls. He didn't open his eyes, but he smiled. "Good morning," I said. He moaned. Then he did his stretch thing and groaned. He got on his knees and arched his back up and down. Then he collapsed onto his stomach again. I waited. He sat up. "How'd you sleep," he asked. I handed him a cup of coffee. "Thank you." "Okay." He glanced at me. "Big day for you." "Yeah. How about if we just stay here." He got up, peed, brushed his teeth and got back in bed. "Got to go at some point. Might as well be today." We sat in bed drinking coffee. Then we got up. I showered. He made breakfast egg white veggie omelet, toast and berries. We sat at the table. He said, "Just tell me how to make this easy on you. I'll do or not do whatever you want." "I think it's going turn into a drama. I just wish I could say what I want and not have it be a big drawn out thing." "Yeah, I get that but," Josh sighed. "You've got to let them deal with it. I mean you're mom is going to cry and your dad is going to get angry. I think you've just got to let them do their thing." "No, you've got it wrong. My dad is going to cry and my mom is going to get angry. Just as long as it doesn't turn into all kinds of questions. And you don't know how demanding my mother can be." "I'll try to cut them off if it goes that way. But, you're sounding angry already and they haven't even asked anything." "I'm not angry, just nervous." "Let's pack." Josh said. We had to pack stuff for staying at my parents' house, and while there we were going to visit Sarah and Bryan and then go to his grandparents' house. We laid out everything on the bed and stuffed it all into duffle bags. "We can wash stuff at my house," I said. I felt tired, down or depressed. We were both in boxer briefs and tee shirts our standard house wear. It saves on laundry. I noticed him get the body oil from the nightstand. "Lie down," he said. "You need a massage. We don't have to leave for a couple of hours." I stared at him. "You're really going to say no to a massage?" I undressed and lay on the bed. He undressed and straddled my legs. He dripped oil on my back and pressed his fingers along my spine. "Thank you." "For what?" "Talking last night. Telling me. Listening to me. The massage." "No problem." His hands are so strong. And he knows musculature and all those pressure points. Josh said, "You really knew? I mean really?" "Not like I knew, but I believed you and David had had sex. I didn't want to ask. I think I hoped that you'd tell me, but I figured you wouldn't." "It wasn't so much about not telling you. It was more that we decided not to tell anyone. But he told Tina." He sighed. "Then I thought I'd tell you, but that this was a bad time." "Because of Lucas." "Yeah, I thought it would be hard for you to hear." He pressed his fingers into my butt cheeks. "Oh fuck, Josh," I moaned. "You're tight." I chuckled. "Just for you." He laughed. He slid a finger into my butt. With his other hand he played with my balls and then reached under me and grabbed my erection. "We haven't had sex for almost two days," I said." He laughed. "We had sex yesterday. Damn, am I that forgettable?" I laughed. "But I'm so horny. It feels like days." He massaged the back of my legs, my feet and then rolled me over. He pressed his hand into my thighs. "Oh fuck, Josh," I moaned. He pressed harder into my quads. He ran his hands over my abs, my chest and shoulders. Then I felt the warmth of his mouth on my cock. He's given me hundreds of blowjobs but each time he puts his mouth on my cock, it's like the first time. My body, my entire body tingles, my eyes roll in my head and I moan. He always says that I'm the best cocksucker. Those are his works. `You're the best cocksucker'. I think he's the best. He took me deep into his mouth and slowly moved up and down. He ran his tongue over my cock and then up and down the shaft. He sucked on my balls and played with my hole. I moaned. "Turn around. Let me suck you." "Just enjoy this." He got me close and then, as he always does, backed off. "Let me come." "Shut up and enjoy." He worked my cock with his mouth. I was close. I began to squirm, grabbing the sheets and moaning. My climax hit. "Oh fuck," I called out. My legs went rigid and shook, my abs tightened and I thrust. I felt cum moving through my cock. I grabbed his hair. I groaned and he moaned as cum exploded from my cock. I could feel him swallowing. We kissed. He was masturbating. Then he began thrusting, pressing his erection hard against me. I held him. He buried his face in the nape of my neck and groaned. I felt the warmth of his spunk splash across my stomach. Then he collapsed onto me. We jumped in the shower. Josh said, "See I can tell you feel more relaxed." He smiled. I smiled. "You're so good at that." We packed the car. He said, "Let me drive. You can try to relax." We talked the entire way to my house. But we did not talk about what I would say, until we only had about a half hour to go. I called my mother and told her we were about to arrive. I said to Josh, "This isn't going to go well." "You don't know that." "I can hear it in her voice. You don't know what she's like when she's stressed, and she's stressed." "Well, then give her a break. You know this is going to be hard for them." "Whatever." Until we arrived we talked about nothing important. I think he was trying to distract me from what I'd be facing. Josh just doesn't get my parents, especially my mother. She's invested in being the perfect mother, raising the perfect kid and anything that gets in the way of that fantasy she takes as an assault. I knew this was going to be ugly. Shit would fly, I knew that, but where it would land was hard to say. It could land on my father, but for this I doubted it. I was sure Lucas was done being invited to our house. Of course, my aunt Barbara would catch a good part of the grief, but that wouldn't be the end to it. Either she'd collapse into her, `I've failed' mode, which I've seen before and is nothing but attention getting and a set up for no, she hasn't, someone else has. The only other place this could land was on me as it had in the past when something has gone wrong. So, what would be her first reaction? That was the question. `I've failed as a mother' or? The `or' was what was bothering me, and for what I was getting myself ready. As we pulled up to my house, Josh said, "Okay, so just try to relax and don't expect it to go badly." We got out of the car. I said, "Maybe we should leave our stuff in the car." "What? Why?" "I might want to just leave. Less drama if we just leave without having to grab everything." "Stop it. We're not going to have to leave." We carried our stuff to the door. As we approached it opened. My mom and dad stepped out. I was surprised to see him. It was a workday. Immediately, I could tell that they were stressed. They greeted Josh with hugs, but glanced at me. "Hi, Dad," I said, hugging him. "Mom," I said, giving her a hug. We carried our bags in. Josh said, "I'll take this stuff upstairs." We walked into the kitchen and sat at the island. My father said, "Did you guys eat?" "Breakfast," I said. He looked at my mother. She sighed. "I'll make sandwiches," she said. Josh joined us. I got up and got glasses. I poured us each a half glass of cranberry juice and then added water. My father stared at me. I said, "Too much sugar." I added ice. My mother put a turkey, lettuce and tomato sandwich on wheat bread in front of us both. She sat. "How was your drive," my father said. Josh said, "Hardly any traffic until we got to the city. How are you guys? You haven't put up the lights or gotten a tree. Do you want us to do that?" "Sounds good," my father said. Josh said, "How have you been?" My mother said in an impatient tone, "We haven't been great since before Thanksgiving. You know, waiting to hear what this is all about, although I can imagine." I sighed and put down my sandwich. "I've not been ready to talk about it." "Are you now?" More attitude. Josh glanced at me. He said, "Ah, so is it okay if I say something?" My father said, "Sure." "I think this will go better if the whole blame thing doesn't get going. I mean," he sighed and glanced at me. "This is regarding Aaron and it was kind of taken out of his hands when Lucas was invited." My mother said, "So, how was I supposed to know that inviting my nephew was not okay?" I sighed loudly. "AH," Josh said, "I don't believe Aaron expected you to know that. I just think once it happened, well it brought stuff up for him and," My mother cut him off and said, "So, just how long do I have to wait?" My father said, "Honey, why don't we let Aaron," "Lucas molested me." My mother said, "Well, we figured it had to be something like that," in a tone that made my teeth clench. Josh stared at her. I think he was surprised. I said, "So, then why all the impatience. You've got it all figured out." I stared at her. My father said, "When? What did he do?" "I was almost twelve. The summer before I was twelve is when it started." "Started?" my mother said. "Yes, started." Josh kept glancing back from me to my mother as the exchange became more and more tense. I was waiting for the blame game. "First he had me masturbate him, then it was oral and anal sex." My father looked ashen. He sighed and sat back in his chair. He said, "Twelve? You hadn't even started puberty. How long did this go on?" "On and off for almost two years," I said. I saw my father's eyes fill with tears. Tears sat on my eyelids. My mother said, "Two years. This went on for two years." My attention went to her. "Yes." "Where?" "Where?" I repeated. "Where. Mostly in his house when Aunt Barbara was working. Sometimes here when you'd go out shopping and leave us here." She looked angry. "I'm going to call him. I'm going to tell him what I think of him. He's going to hear from me." "Do what you want," I said. "I talked to him. I'm not ready to see him or sit down and have a conversation with him, but I guess I understand where his head was at. Besides, at this point, it's not going to do me any good to hate him. I just want to get beyond it. I'm working to try to get beyond it." "Beyond it," she growled. "Well, he's going to hear from me." "Fine," I said. My father said, "You understand where his head was at. What does that mean?" I sat back in my chair and sighed. "I guess it's okay for me to say." Josh glanced at me and nodded. "He was being molested. It started when he was twelve and went through high school." I told them Lucas' story. My father sat and shook his head. My mother said, "I don't care." I sighed. "That's okay with me. Do what's best for you. I'm dealing with this in counseling and I want to put this all behind me eventually." I looked at my dad and saw tears fall from his eyes. Josh noticed too. He said, "I'm sorry, Aaron." I was about to respond to him when my mother said, "What I don't understand is why you didn't tell us. Why did you let this go on for two years and in my house?" I went from wanting to hug my dad to wanting to scream at my mother. Josh said, "Ah," I said in a calm tone, "Why did I let it go on? Let's see." I felt my teeth tightening into a clench. "I don't know. Overwhelmed by it all." "Overwhelmed?" my mother said. "We always told you that you could tell us anything. What were you thinking?" I saw my father put her hand on my mother's arm. She stared at me. "Lucas is going to catch hell from me, I promise you that. But I would like to know from you why after it first happened you just didn't come to me." "I don't have an answer for you." Josh said to my mother. "I think that is common. Kids not telling." "I thought we made it clear to you," "Well," I said, "Clearly not clear enough." I knew we were going here and why not just get there. "So, this is my fault." Josh said, "Ah, I don't think that's what he's saying." He looked at me. I said, "Well, if we're going to put ninety percent of the blame on Lucas and there is ten percent floating around, you can bet your ass it isn't going to land on me. And if you want to know what I think, it's this. You as a parent were supposed to keep me safe. What I do remember and I'm sure you do also, is that when it was happening, I would tell you that I didn't want to go with Lucas, or be left alone with Lucas, but you'd say, `go with your cousin. Stop sitting in your room sulking. Go out'. Instead of asking me why I had all of a sudden become so resistant to being around him, you told me to go." She was beet red. "So this is my fault. I failed you. That's what you're saying." Josh looked like he was watching a tennis match. Back and forth he'd look, from her to me and then back to her. He said, "Ah. I don't think anyone is to blame." My father said, "We should have done a better job. Actually, I do remember wondering why you had become so resistant to being with your cousin. I just never thought," "Dad, I get it. I'm not saying," "But you are saying," my mother said. "You are saying that I should have seen this." "You're saying I should have told you," I said growling. "I'm saying that I would have if you asked. You didn't and I didn't. If you're going to do your thing and look to fucking blame someone, blame Lucas. If that's not enough for you, then it falls on you, because I promise you this, IT'S NOT GOING TO FUCKING FALL ON ME." I got up and stormed out of the room and ran upstairs. * * * * * I watched Aaron leave the kitchen. I looked at Mr. and Mrs. Hill. He stared at his wife. I wondered if he'd say anything. He didn't. Mrs. Hill got up and threw Aaron's sandwich into the trash. Mr. Hill looked at me. I sighed. I said, "Can I say something. I mean, I don't want to be in the middle of this, but," Mr. Hill said, "Say what's on your mind." "I'm sure it's hard to hear that this happened to Aaron. When he told me I cried. I mean, I held him as he told me and as he sobbed. I think these why questions are hard. He's asked himself these questions and, well, I've been in situations where people ask why this or why that and they come off as `you did something wrong'." I looked at Mrs. Hill and said, "Do you think Aaron did something wrong?" She stared at me. "You don't think when I talk to Lucas he's going to say, `well, he let it go on for two years'?" "No." She stared at me. I said, "Maybe I would have thought that before I heard him talking to Aaron. But, no, not for one minute do I think he'd say that." "I thought we raised Aaron to know that we would do anything to protect him." "Yeah, I get that. So, what I'm hearing is that either Aaron fucked up. Sorry. Either Aaron messed up or you guys did. And I guess what he's saying is in that either or situation he's not the one who messed up." Mr. Hill said, "Do you think he blames us?" "I had not heard him say anything like that until just now." I looked at Mrs. Hill and said, "But I think he was getting ready for this." She said, "What does that mean?" I sighed loudly. "No, say what's on your mind." I shook my head. "He worried that the conversation would go like this. He didn't say specifically how that would happen or what he would say, but he did say he didn't want to come here because he thought it would go to a blame thing. Not just blaming Lucas." "I'm not blaming him," she said sitting. "I just want to know why it went on for two years" Mr. Hill said to her, "And don't you think that's blaming him?" "How?" I said, "Aren't you saying that he should have told you and the fact is that he didn't means he did something wrong." She stared at me. "How about this. He was twelve and he loved his cousin. He looked up to his cousin. His cousin was very popular. He didn't want to get his cousin in trouble. His aunt was single. All she had was Lucas and this family. Maybe he didn't want to cause trouble for him or her. Or, maybe he felt somewhat responsible for it happening. He liked that game that he and Lucas were playing. The touching game. The getting turned on and looking and touching game they played before any of this other stuff happened. Maybe he felt a little responsible. Or maybe he felt a lot responsible." "That's ridiculous," she said. "Lucas was being molested and he told no one," I said. "How about this? Guys don't get molested, because if you're molested then you're a wimp or you're gay. So if Lucas admitted to it, he's this athletic guy, popular guy. If he said, `I'm being molested', then what? He's a wimp who let it happen or he's gay and he likes it. If Aaron said he's being molested, maybe he was afraid it would get out and everyone would know he was gay or that he was a wimpy guy who couldn't protect himself. Aaron was always afraid kids would see him as a wimp. "He needs his mommy to protect him. "So, he tries to do his best. See in that scenario where he's a wimp or gay he and Lucas are to blame. In his mind, he and Lucas are to blame. And now what you're saying is that because he didn't tell you, he's to blame. So, he was thinking he was to blame and that's why he didn't tell anyone, but now he's to blame because he didn't tell anyone." She continued to stare at me. "Mrs. Hill, kids who are molested hardly ever tell anyone until later. Maybe if you can figure out why that is true, you should write a book because millions of people would like to know the answer to that. But I don't think Aaron has that answer yet." Mr. Hill said, "He was afraid he'd be seen as a," I said, "Wimp." "Did you think he was?" "He was my best friend, my very best friend." I felt my throat tightening around my words. "I was terrified that people would find out I was gay. I worried that everyone would laugh at me and make fun of me. But I never thought that Aaron would do that. No, I never thought of him as a wimp. I thought he was a skinny, smart guy who I could trust. But he was skinny and I'm sure people thought he couldn't defend himself against athletic guys. "I asked David if he knew Lucas. Lucas was a year ahead of David. David said he didn't like him because Lucas was always full of himself and always picking on people who weren't athletic. He'd call them gay and pussies." "So Aaron, who wasn't athletic was afraid?" "I would have been." Mrs. Hill said, "He must have been terrified." I looked at her. She was crying. "He was always such a wonderful boy." I said, "He still is." "Of course he is," she said, wiping tears. "He must have been terrified." "I'm sure he was. I was that skinny kid but I became athletic and I was still always afraid. But I had David and I had Aaron. Aaron only had me. I mean at school with the guys. If someone messed with me, David would have kicked ass and I knew that. If someone would have messed with Aaron, David probably would have kicked ass and I would have tried, but I doubt if Aaron knew that. "You know, being a teenager is hard. Harder than it was when you were." Aaron stepped into the kitchen. We all looked at him. He said, "It felt like no matter what I did it was going to be bad. But it seemed that if people knew it would be worse than if they didn't know and it just went on. And I'm guessing that it was even harder for Lucas. I'm not saying I'm on his side at all. But I think I kind of understand where he was at. But I hate what he did to me. But maybe not him." Mr. Hill said, "Aaron, you never cease to amaze me. I'm sorry this happened to you. And I will talk to your cousin. You're maturity, the way you are able to see this and deal with it," he got up. "I love you." Tears filled my eyes as they hugged. "I love you too, Dad." Aaron was crying. Mr. Hill was crying. Mrs. Hill got up and walked toward Aaron. She said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry that I reacted the way I did. I love you and it destroys me to think you were hurt in your own home, where I was to keep you safe." "Mom, I don't blame you. Really, I don't." They hugged. She wiped tears from his face and then hugged him again. She said, "It's just that when someone hurts you, I'm filled with a rage and it comes out all wrong." "If someone hurt you, I'd be filled with rage too. But just remember, you can't protect me from everything." Mr. Hill walked over to me and said "Stand up." I did. He put his arms around me and said, "You are all that I could ask in a partner for my son." Tears fell from my eyes. Mrs. Hill hugged me. She said, "I sleep well at night knowing he's with you." "I sleep well too knowing Aaron's with me." We all smiled. She said, "I made cookies." She looked at Aaron and said, "Peanut butter cookies and Josh's cookies. And I'll make you another sandwich. Sit down." We had sandwiches and cookies. We went up to Aaron's room to unpack. He sat on his bed and said, "Thank you." "For what?" "I heard everything you said. Thank you." I sat beside him. I said, "I've got your back." He nodded. "I've always had your back." "I know. And I've got yours." JoshRJosh.