Date: Sat, 8 Mar 2003 21:33:56 -0800 (PST)
From: Tom Borden <tombor99@yahoo.com>
Subject: "Becoming a Real Man"  2nd Installment

This is a purely fictional story about a conflict in values between a
father and his son.  Comments of any kind are welcome.

Tom Borden
Tombor99@yahoo.com

Becoming a Real Man
Chapter 2

When I arose the next morning, dad was in an unusually good mood.  As we
ate breakfast, he asked me about how things were going in school, which he
rarely did, and even told me how proud he was of me for having won a
National Merit Scholarship for college.  Nothing was said about our short
chat the night before.

I was still on our Christmas break and, after dad went off to the oil
fields, I went back to my room to work on my poetry.  It seemed now to be
taking on a different tone, somehow, since having met and fallen in love
with Matthew.  What I wrote now seemed to take on a certain meaning,
different from what it had before.  I could feel a gentleness creeping into
my words.  I could even begin feeling that passion for what I was writing
that Matthew had talked about.

Later that afternoon, I met Matthew again at the Ice Cream Shop.  "You seem
to be taking a lot of days off these days," I said as we sat down in our
favorite booth.

"I have some news for you, Jeb," said Matthew with a broad smile.  "I have
a job now.  I was accepted as an apprentice with the engineering firm of
Fowler, Smith, Clary, and Maddox in Austin.  I start next Monday.  I found
out this morning and I immediately quit the job on the rig."

"Oh, that's great, Matthew," I squealed.  "Did you say Austin?  You know,
I'll be starting at the University in Austin next fall.  My step-mom wants
me to stay in a dorm.  But we can get together whenever we want.  Oh,
Matthew!"

Matthew took my hand and said, "I've already thought of that, Jeb.  Wow!
Everything's goin' my way!  I've got a great job, and you'll be up there
with me!  Oh, Jeb, how could anything be more perfect!"

"Nothing could be more perfect, Matthew.  But I have to tell you I've got a
problem with my dad."

"What is it?  Is he pushing you to get a girl friend or something"

"No, it isn't that.  He's just started acting really strange."

"That's nothing new," said Matthew.

"I know, but this is different.  Matthew, I don't think he likes you.  He
was really upset that you and I went off to Galveston together, and he's
worried that you and I are getting to like each other too much, that we
might be getting 'personal' with each other."

"Jeb, does he know how we really feel about each other?"

"I think he suspects.  It's really strange.  Last night, after his sex
buddies went home after one of their naked parties at the house, he came
into my room really late and acted so strangely.  He said a few things and
then he grabbed me and hugged me really tightly and kissed me all over my
face, and then told me that he loved me so much.  And he was really
passionate about it.  Then he left.  He'd never hugged me before, and
certainly never kissed me.  There's something about it all that seems so
strange.

Matthew sat quietly and looked at me intently.  Then he said, softly, "Jeb,
he's jealous.  He's jealous of the affection he believes you're showing
towards me."

"Maybe, but for some reason, after he left last night, I had the feeling it
was more than that.  I want to tell you about another thing that happened.
When we got home that night from the Club, after he parked in our backyard,
he opened up my pants and went down on me.  I'm his son, Matthew.  I know
he sucks other guys off because I saw it that night at the club.  But I'm
his son.  He sucked me all the way to orgasm, swallowed my sperm, and then
last night he hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me.  I have such a
strange feeling about it."

"I understand, Jeb.  With all the bravado about it not mattering whose hole
he fucks, whether it's a man or a woman, just as long as it's a hole, he's
actually harboring some feelings beyond that.  It's pretty obvious.  It's
hard to tell how long it's been going on, but he's feeling a true sexual
attraction to you, his own son."

"Do you really think so?" I stammered.

"Well, it certainly looks that way to me."

That night, I was glad that I was on vacation and didn't have any
schoolwork to do.  I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on it.  I
started to write a poem for Matthew, but thoughts of my dad kept invading
my mind.  When I went to bed, I lay there listening to dad fucking my
step-mom.  With every bang of their headboard against my wall, I could see
in my mind his large gorged penis thrusting into her hole.  I wondered
which hole it was that he was fucking that night.  My own penis felt as
though it was going to explode, and I stroked slowly as I listened to the
grunting and banging of the bed in the next room.

I got up and went into dad's Playroom and took one of the dildos that were
lying on one of his bookshelves.  I had never been fucked, but I suddenly
had the urge to find out what it felt like.

Soon after I returned to bed, I heard dad's growl, signaling his orgasm,
and then there was quiet.  I continued to stroke, and I couldn't get the
picture of my dad's penis pumping hard into my step-mom out of my mind.
Then I heard the toilet flush, meaning that dad had gone in to pee and
clean himself up.  I heard him walking back to his bedroom, but then his
footsteps stopped right outside my door.  I panicked because I remembered I
hadn't closed my door all the way.  I didn't look around at the door to
make sure, but I was certain that dad was standing there in the dark hall
watching me.  I don't know what made me do it, but I just kept stroking.
There wasn't much light in the room, but I had left my desk lamp on, and it
gave a soft glow, enough where dad could surely see what I was doing.

I just kept stroking.  And I was sure I could hear dad breathing.  His
breathing was becoming heavier and heavier.  My God, I thought, he's
watching me jack off, and he's jacking off himself while he watches.  I
became more and more sexually excited and, raising my legs up, I pressed
the dildo against my asshole.  Then, for some reason, I wanted dad to see
me push it into me.  As I jacked off with one hand, I pushed the dildo into
my hole with the other.  I started to buck my hips and groan with pleasure.
I had the feeling that, since he didn't know I was aware of his presence, I
would go all out in giving myself as much sexual pleasure as I could.

It was very painful to have the dildo up my ass, but I acted as though I
loved it, even though I only had the head of it inside me.  Then I let my
orgasm take hold of me and I shot rope after rope of thick white sperm onto
my chest.  I threw my head from side to side in ecstasy.  At the same time,
I could hear dad trying to stifle his own groans as he obviously shot his
own load.  As I lay there with the dildo still up my ass, I listened and
could soon hear his own bedroom door close.  I pulled the dildo out and got
up.  I looked back at the door, which dad had obviously pushed wide open,
and I could see two glistening pools of white cum on the floor in the
doorway.  Had he left it there on purpose?  Had he wanted me to find it?

Several nights later, dad had his buddies over again for more poker, beer
and sex talk.  I thought about going in there and saying hi, like I often
did, but for some reason, I wanted no part of any of them that night.  I
just went to sleep.  But when the party broke up, I awakened at the noise
of the men tramping down the hall and leaving.  As all their talking and
noise ended, I heard my dad call out.

"Hey Marty, wait a minute.  I need to talk with ya."

"Sure Ben," Marty said.  "What's up?"

"Marty, you and me's been best fuckin' buddies fer a long time.  I need to
talk to ya 'bout somethin'."

"Yeah, sure.  Shoot."

"Ya told me yer son fucks around a lot."

"Yeah."

"Do ya ever fuck around with him yerself?"

"No," said Marty.  "He's my son.  Why would I?"

"Well, did ya ever see him fuckin' somebody or did ya ever catch him
jerkin' his dick?

"Yeah, sure, Ben," said Marty.  "I told ya I caught him fuckin' a cunt in
the shed out back.  And I caught him jackin' off a few times.  He's caught
me doin' it, too.  But we don't pay no attention to it no more."

"Well, Marty, did ya feel like ya wanted to . . . ya know . . . to fuck yer
boy or suck him off, or somethin'?"

"I told ya Ben, he's my son.  He and I both knows we fucks and sucks women
and other guys, but we don't do it with each other.  Hey, Ben.  What's
botherin' ya?  Don't tell me ya got a wild hair up yer ass about yer own
son?"

"Marty, I told ya, yer my best fuckin' friend.  And I had to tell somebody
about this.  I don't know why I feel like this.  I look at Jeb, and he
makes me so hot.  Yeah.  I wanna fuck him, but most, I want to love his
body.  I'll admit somethin' to ya.  I sucked him off after we came home
from the Club that night.  And he didn't object.  Ever since I saw him
gittin' sucked off by that Matthew guy at the Club, I've wanted Jeb so
fuckin' badly, I can't hardly stand it."

"Well, I can see you got a big fuckin' hard-on right now talkin' about it.
But I don't know what yer gonna do about it.  Have ya told him ya wanna
fuck him?"

"No, but I told him I loved him.  But he jist don't know much more.  I
ain't told him that yet."

I lay in bed listening to this, and things began getting clearer to me.
They had stopped talking for a few minutes, and then I heard Marty say
something.

"Here, Ben, lemme git rid of that boner of yer's.  Pull it on out there.  I
haven't tasted some good sweet cum in a long time.  Now jist lean against
the wall there, and let me do a job on ya."

It wasn't long before, I heard my dad moan as his orgasm took hold and he
shot his cum into Marty's mouth.  Then they both walked down the hall and
out.  Now I knew everything.  Dad wanted to have sex with me.  He was in
love with me.  He wanted my body.  My God, I thought.  How could I let him
do that with me.  I was desperately in love with Matthew.  I knew that I
had to talk with Matthew about it.  He'd know what to do.

That afternoon, Matthew and I met again at the Ice Cream Shop.  I told him
all about dad watching me jack off and the conversation I overheard between
dad and his friend, Marty.

"Jeb," said Matthew said, taking my hand, "do you want your dad to do
anything with you?  It looks as though he's got a bad case for you.  You
obviously haven't heard the end of this from him."

"I know.  Knowing him, he's going push me until I give in to him."

Matthew said, "Jeb, would you like to have some sexual activity with your
dad?"

"I don't know, Matthew.  In a way, I would.  But in a way, I wish he'd cut
his hair, put on a business suit and go to work from nine to five, clean up
his language, and never mention sex again to me.  I just kind of wish he
was like other guys' dads."

"But he's not, Jeb.  I really think you're going to be faced pretty soon
with having to make a decision about your dad's behavior.  I hate to think
about it, but I think you're going to have to face the real possibility
that your dad, one way or the other, is going to have you in his bed with
him."

"But what if he wants to fuck me?  I don't think I can take that.  I got a
dildo from dad's playroom and tried to stick it up in me while dad was
watching.  But it hurt so badly.  I just don't know what to do, Matthew."

"Do you think you can just tell him you don't want him to do that?" said
Matthew.

"You know dad, Matthew.  How could I do that?  He probably thinks I'll
never be a real man until I take a cock up my ass."

I was scared.  I was truly scared.  Matthew could see that I was, and he
squeezed my hand tightly and looked into my eyes.  His eyes were filled
with a look of such intense love that I wanted to cry.

I finally said, "Matthew, would you . . . I mean . . . would you show me?
I mean, would you fuck me and show me what it's like?  Maybe if you do it
to me, I can learn how to . . . I mean . . .  Matthew, I can't let him be
the first one.  I know he'll be rough and he'll hurt me."

"Yes, I can show you.  But are you sure?  Maybe he'll never do that to you.
Then you'll never have to be hurt by anyone, not even by me."

I leaned forward and said, "Matthew, you won't hurt me.  I just know you
wouldn't hurt me.  Please.  I have to know.  I'll tell you something.  When
I'm in bed at night, I dream of having you inside of me.  I dream of having
your whole beautiful body pushed inside of me.  That's silly, isn't it.
Even though I'm afraid, I long to have you inside of me."

Matthew said, "I moved into a small room at a rooming house here in town
this morning.  If you'd like, we can go there right now, and then I can get
you home before supper.  Okay?"

Of course, it was okay.  We finished our ice cream and drove off to his
room.  It was a very small, austere place, with little more than a double
bed, a chest of drawers, a straight chair, and a fan.

"I'm sorry, Jeb," said Matthew.  "It's a pretty cheap room and it doesn't
have an air-conditioner.  But that fan gives a good breeze.  I'm going over
to Austin in the morning to find myself a nice apartment."

Matthew and I stripped down and fell onto the bed with me wrapped tightly
in his strong arms.  I searched out those beautiful, full, soft lips of his
with mine, and as they touched, it was like electric bolts going through my
body.

Matthew said, "Now Jeb, are you sure?  I'm not going to do this with you if
you're not sure."

"I am sure, Matthew.  I know you'll be gentle with me."

Matthew pushed my legs up in the air and put a doubled over pillow under my
hips.  As he lowered his face into my ass crack, I could feel his tongue
swirling softly over my hole.  He flooded my crack with his saliva and I
felt his tongue pushing against my pucker.

He said, "Jeb, I want you to relax.  Push out like you do when you're
taking a shit.  That'll relax your sphincter muscle.  That's it, Jeb."

Matthew raised his face, and I could feel his finger slowly entering my
asshole.  "So that's the secret," I thought.  "Push out like I would when
I'm taking a shit."

"Jeb, Just stay relaxed.  I'm going to push two fingers in and then three.
This will help get you ready."

The feeling of Matthew's fingers up in my rectum was so nice.  I said,
"When you move your fingers around in there, Matthew, there's a strange
feeling."

Matthew said, "That's because I'm touching your prostate gland.  When you
cum, the prostate releases semen that carries your sperm that comes from
your balls.  Some guys can cum just by having their prostate rubbed.
That's why some guys can cum without even touching their penis as they're
being fucked."

Matthew pulled his fingers out of my hole and then, lowering his body over
me and supporting it with his arms, I could see him moving his hips in
close to me with his gorged penis pushing into my ass crack.  I felt the
pressure of his penis head on my asshole.  I did like he instructed me.  As
I pushed out, relaxing my sphincter, I felt the head pop in through my
hole.

"Are you alright, Jeb?" whispered Matthew.  "I'm going to push very slowly
in.  If it begins to hurt, tell me, and I'll stop."

"Okay," I said.  I could feel the shaft of his hard penis moving through
the rim of my hole.  There was no pain.  Matthew stopped for a moment, and
I said, "Keep going, Matthew."  He pushed the whole length into me until I
felt his pelvis pressing against my ass cheeks.  It was just as I had
dreamed it would be.  I had Matthew inside of me.  I wanted to cry, I was
so excited and happy, and wanted him, just like in my fantasies, to push
his whole beautiful body inside of me.

"Oh, Matthew, it feels so wonderful," I sighed.  "I love you so much."

Matthew began slowly to push in and out.  To feel that wonderful shaft
pumping in and out of me was an ecstasy almost more than I could bear.  I
looked up into Matthew's face, now covered with beads of sweat, some
dripping down on my chest and stomach.  I saw nothing but pure love in his
eyes, and I realized I was giving this magnificent man one of the greatest
sexual pleasures any man could ever have.  His black curly hair was falling
down over his eyes and I could see his huge pectoral muscles jumping and
rippling as he pumped.  I held onto his forearms, which felt like solid
rock under a soft layer of brown hair.  I looked down and could see his
shaft pumping in and out of my hole.  I never wanted it to stop.  My brain
was whirling in all directions.  I was becoming numb with passion and
erotic desire for this Adonis.

"Oh, God," I thought.  "Don't cum, my beloved beautiful man.  Make it last
forever.  If we could just fade away up into Heaven where we could be
connected like this for all eternity.  I know I was beginning to
hallucinate when Matthew suddenly spoke.

"I can't hold it any longer, my beautiful boy.  I have to cum!  I can't
hold it!"

Matthew threw his head back and rocked it from side to side, letting out a
growl like a wounded lion.  I could feel his penis throbbing violently
against the rim of my asshole as my rectum was flooded with his hot, thick
cum.  I could feel the warmth of it.  He soon collapsed upon me, holding
some of his weight off of me with his arms.  His body was wet with sweat
and the smell of his moist skin against my face was so erotic.  I licked
the salty wetness from his face and kissed him gently.

As Matthew continued to breathe heavily, I said, "Thank you, Matthew.  I
have never known a more wonderful and beautiful experience in my life.  I
will love you forever.  I will love you, and love you, and love until the
day I die."  I knew that Matthew wasn't keen on my telling him I loved him.
But I didn't care.  I did love him, and it was a love I knew would never
end.

Matthew finally raised his head and smiled so sweetly at me.  "You're a
real trooper, Jeb.  I don't mean to sound crude, my dear sweet boy, but I
have to tell you that I have never had a better fuck in my life!  You've
learned how to take it up your ass very quickly, and I don't think you're
going to have any trouble with your . . . ."

"You mean with my dad?" I whispered.

"Yeah.  But I hate, more than I have ever hated anything, the thought of
it.  I want you for myself, Jeb.  I know I shouldn't say that.  I know I
shouldn't be so selfish.  I know your dad is after you, and there's nothing
I can do about that.  But I wish that I could.  I really . . . I really
. . . like you."

"You can't say the word 'love,' can you."

Matthew rolled off of me and lay on his side pressed up against me.
Propping himself up on one elbow, he said, "Jeb, please understand.  It was
Ned.  I allowed myself to love him more than my own life.  And then I lost
him.  Please give me a little time."

I knew that Matthew loved me, but it was the word, "love," he couldn't say.
I understood.  I would give him time til the end of the Earth.

It was getting very close to suppertime and, although Matthew wanted me to
have the experience of fucking him, too, he suggested that it be put off
until we had more time to spend together.  Instead, he slid down and took
my penis in his mouth and brought me to one of the most delicious orgasms I
could remember.  Then with his mouth still full of my sperm, he kissed me
and let me swallow some of it.  I wanted to stay.  I didn't care if I never
went home.  But Matthew got me up and dressed and drove me home in time for
supper.

I didn't see Matthew for several days since he was over in Austin searching
for an apartment.  He called finally and told me he was all settled in a
new apartment.  He had no furniture, except for a king sized bed, which he
had purchased that day, along with a chest of drawers, and a recliner.
"Jeb, there's a big echo in this place.  I'll slowly get the place
furnished, but in the meantime, I really want you to come stay with me when
you can."

I assured Matthew that there was nothing more I could want but to do that.
He said he would call me again and arrange to pick me up and drive me to
Austin.  But first, he had to report to work and get started on the job.
"Jeb, I'm really kind of nervous about the job.  You know, it's really the
first real job I've ever had.  I hope I can do well, and that they continue
to like me."

It was hard for me to know that I wouldn't be seeing Matthew for several
days, but I knew it was important for him to put his whole attention on the
new job.  I didn't in any way want to be a distraction.

After supper, dad went off for another wild night at his club.  He asked me
again to go along, but I declined.  My step-mom drove off to a gallery to
supervise the set-up of a showing of her paintings that would take place in
a few days.  She was so happy about it.  Other than sharing the same bed,
she and dad really led completely different lives.  She had finally learned
to accept the way he was and did her best not to think about him and what
he was doing.

I went to my room, as usual, after supper and turned on MTV.  It was the
usual silly crap---someone interviewing teenage girls about what kind of
sex they like, and what is the sexiest thing about their boyfriends.  These
giggling little sluts made me sick, and I turned the TV off.  I decided to
look at what I had written so far in a poem for Matthew.  It just wasn't
any good, I thought.  I crumpled it up and threw it away.  Then I started
again.  I just couldn't find the words that would adequately express the
depth of my love for Matthew.  Everything I wrote seemed so tame.  But even
then, I felt I was coming closer in the words I wrote to what I really
felt.  I worked on it all evening.  When I finally got undressed for bed, I
found that my under shorts were positively soaked with semen.  All evening,
I was obsessed with my love for him and the memory of his being inside of
me.  What I wrote wasn't perfect, but it expressed what I felt far more
than anything I had written before.

I got into the shower and, as I often did, I kept the shower door open so I
could see myself in the large mirror on the opposite wall.  I lathered up
my body from head to toe and started stroking.  As I stroked faster and
faster, I watched myself as suds flew in all directions.  I looked at my
slender body and felt wonder as to why Matthew could love someone like me.
I backed up to the wall and pressed my body against it, imagining that I
was pressed against Matthew's body.  My whole body began to tingle and I
felt a severe tightening in my crotch as my penis became larger and
stiffer.  Suddenly my orgasm swept over me like a tornado, and I watched in
the mirror as my sperm shot from my penis in volley after volley.  My legs
became weak, and I sunk to my knees as the last dribbles of sperm dripped
from my penis.

I was soon in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Matthew.  In a
few minutes, I heard dad coming in after his night at the Club.  I could
hear him clomping down the hall, and I prayed he wouldn't come into my
room.  He was muttering to himself, which he always did when he was drunk.
Soon, I heard him close the door to his own room

The next day, I went to the mall to buy some new Dockers and a couple of
shirts.  Suddenly I heard, "Hey Jeb!"  I turned around and there was Mike,
one of my school friends.  "Hi, Mike."

"Hey Jeb, I haven't seen you around lately," said Mike.  "Kenny and I have
missed you at our circle jerks."

"Oh, I've been around," I replied.

"We were wondering if you gave up beating your meat.  By the way, me and
Kenny and two or three other guys are getting together at my house for a
circle jerk this afternoon.  Can you come?"

"At your house?" I asked.

"Yeah.  My mom and dad are over in Fredricksburg antiqueing.  They won't be
back until dinner time.  Why don't you come over."

"Okay," I said.  Mike and Kenny and the other guys I knew were all straight
as Hell, but they were fun to jack-off with.  Mike had a body to die for
and I always loved to watch him stroke his penis.  I arrived just after
lunch, and went right to Mike's room.  Kenny was there with several other
guys.  We lost no time in stripping down.

After a few minutes, Kenny said, "Hey Mike, how about letting us see that
video you showed us last time.  I don't think Jeb has seen it."

Mike got up and went out of the room.  Kenny turned to me and said, "Wait
til you see this, Jeb.  It's a video tape Mike found in his dad's chest,
and it shows his dad and his mom fucking and doing all sorts of stuff.
It's really hot."

Mike returned and put the video in his VCR.  I could hardly believe it.
There was Mike's mom and dad naked and fucking.  I had never seen Mike's
dad in anything but a business suit.  One of the other boys said, "Wait
until you see the close-up of his mom's cunt.  It's the biggest gaping hole
I've ever seen.  She could get four cocks in there at once."

As the tape ran, we saw Mike's dad eating and sucking on his mom's pussy,
his mom sucking his dick, then the dad fucking her in the ass.  Then, all
of a sudden, we saw another man fucking Mike's mom.  Mike said, "That's my
uncle, my dad's brother.  I knew he stayed over at the house sometimes, but
I never realized what they did."

We all sat there and stroked vigorously as we watched the video.  Mike
said, "The thing that gets me off every time is this next scene."  As we
watched, the uncle pulled his cock out of Mike's mom's pussy and shot a
huge load all over her face.  Then his dad got down and licked all his
brother's cum off her face.

As the sperm was shooting out onto her face, Mike started to moan and shot
his own load all over his stomach.  The sight of this sent me into my own
orgasm and as I shot sperm all over myself, the others all shot their
loads, as well.

When we were through, Mike said, "Whenever I fuck Julie, I think of my dad
fucking my mom."

Kenny said, "How does Julie have time for you, Mike, she's so busy all the
time fucking the whole football team."

"Oh, she squeezes me in.  She likes my cock.  She told me once that she and
her girlfriends also have circle jerks."

"How does that work?" I asked.

"Well, they just sit around and diddle their clits with their fingers and
sometimes use dildos.  What I think is really unfair is that she says they
can each cum five or six times in one circle jerk.  You could see on the
video my mom having maybe four or five orgasms in a row.  I wish us guys
could do that."

I said, "Well, I've been able to cum twice in a half-hour sometimes."

"Yeah, but not twice in five minutes," said Kenny.

I got home just in time for supper.  My step-mom and I ate alone since dad
was getting an early start in entertaining in his playroom again.  She made
a whole platter of sandwiches for them.  I think my step-mom knew exactly
what went on at those soirees, but she always made out she didn't know.
While we were alone, she decided to talk with me about something.

"Jeb, dear," she began.  "I know that you went with your dad to his club
one night.  I don't want to hear about what goes on there, but . . . ."

"Mom," I interrupted.  "But you do know what goes on there, don't you?"

"Well, I suppose I do.  And that's what I want to talk with you about.  I
have no control over what your father does with his life.  But I would like
to hope that you . . . ."

"Don't follow in his footsteps?  Is that what you were going to say?"

"Yes."

I got up from the table and knelt on the floor next to her chair and put my
arms around her.  "Mom, I owe all the good things in my life to you.  I'm
never going back to that club, I promise you.  I'll be going to the
University next fall, and I'm going to continue writing poetry and maybe do
some painting.  You're a wonderful artist, and I want to be as good as you
someday."

My step-mom put her arms around me and kissed me on the forehead.  "I'm
very proud of you, Jeb."

After a few minutes, she said, "Jeb, your friend Matthew.  Do you like
him?"

"Oh, yes!  He's become a very good friend.  We had such a good time over in
Galveston.  He's very kind, and . . . ."

"Jeb," she said, "I like him, too, after that one time I met him.  He seems
so smart and sensible.  And I think he's a good influence on you.  Better
than your father."

"I've been going for ice cream with Matthew almost every afternoon lately.
And he gave me some good news.  He'll be working for an engineering firm in
Austin while I'm up there going to school, and we can be to together all
the time!  I mean . . . whenever we want to."

My step-mom put her hand on my cheek and, with a faint smile, she said,
"Jeb, dear.  Matthew's more than just a friend, isn't he?"

I was stunned at the question and said, "What do you mean?"

"Jeb, it's alright.  We all have to follow our heart.  I've known for some
time.  And it's alright.  You're a talented and passionate young man.  You
deserve to let your heart take you wherever it leads you.  And if it leads
you into Matthew's arms and into his heart, I'm glad.  Jeb?  Look at me.  I
really am glad."

Tears flooded from my eyes and I buried my face in her lap.  The relief
that she knew, and that she approved and that she liked Matthew overwhelmed
me.  I held my arms around her tightly and sobbed uncontrollably.  I was so
grateful for this wonderful woman.  I had wanted more than once to ask her
why she married my father and why she stayed with him, but I never did.

Suddenly, from down the hall came dad's growling voice, "Hey Marion, we
need more fuckin' sandwiches!"  She just continued to stroke my head, and I
made no move to raise my head from her lap.  "Hey, Marion, did ya hear me!"

As she got up and started making more sandwiches, I went on to my room to
work some more on my poetry.  I stopped at the door of the playroom for
just a moment to hear Marty telling how he and his wife went out and fucked
a couple of truck drivers at a rest stop once.

I sat for a long time, working earnestly on a poem I wanted to send to
Matthew.  It was close to midnight when my eyes kept wanting to close, and
I decided to to to bed.  I stripped down and walked down the hall to the
bathroom.  There I found one of my dad's friends standing naked at the
toilet struggling to pee with a very large hard-on.  "Hey there, Jeb.  Ever
tried to pee with a fuckin' hard-on?"

I said, "Well I don't have a hard-on, and if you don't mind, I'll just
stand here and pee while you wait for yours to soften up."

While I was peeing, I felt the man's hands moving over my ass cheeks.  Then
he said, "Ya gotta nice little ass there, Kid."

This man was particularly unappealing.  His skin was snow white, covered
with an abundance of moles and long black hairs.  He had the black oil
under his fingernails, and his face was all pockmarked.  He was a
singularly ugly man with a huge pot-belly and big flabby, oversized
breasts.  I finished peeing and went back to my room.  A few minutes after
I lay down on top of the covers and as I was just beginning to work up a
hard penis, this same man came to my door.

"Am I interruptin' somethin'?" he said.

"No, I'm trying to go to sleep.  Please leave me alone."

As the man walked in, he said, "It don't look like yer tryin' to go to
sleep.  Ya got a nice little boner there.  My name's Charlie, Jeb.  I'd
like to git to know ya."

As Charlie walked over to my desk, I said, "Please Charlie, I'm tired and
why don't you go back to your party."

"Hey, lookee here!" Charlie said as picked up a sheet of paper from my
desk.  Ain't this sweet!"

He started reading aloud some of the poetry I had jotted down"

	Like grass in a rainstorm
	Drenched with my longings
	The night is unbearable
	Oh, let me go to you
	For there is no one,
	There is nothing
	To comfort me but you.

"Ain't that sweet!" Charlie said.  "Is this supposed to be some of that
fuckin' poetry yer daddy was tellin' us about?  Ain't it supposed to
rhyme?"

"Not all poetry rhymes.  I know it's not very good.  I have to change it.
Would you please put it down and go back to the party."

Charlie sat on the edge of my bed and looked down at me.  "Yer a sweet
little boy.  I watched ya at the Club that night gittin' yer cock sucked.
That was me right next to ya fuckin' yer daddy."

"I'm not a little boy," I said.  "Now please leave my room."

"Ya got pretty little legs, boy," he said, as he took hold of my hips.
"Why don't ya roll over and let me git a whiff of yer little rose bud."

I rolled away to the far side of the bed, and shouted.  "Leave me alone!
Get out of my room!"

"Come on, boy.  Be nice.  I know ya like yer cock sucked.  I'll let ya fuck
me if yer nice."

I shouted, "I don't want to fuck you or anyone else.  Now get out of my
room!"

With his strong arms, Charlie grabbed me tightly by the hips, turned me
over, and buried his face in my ass crack.  "Lemme git a taste of that
sweet little shit hole of yers.  I'll bet yer daddy fucked this sweet
little hole a lot of fuckin' times."

"No!" I shouted.  "He never did."

"Do ya have to shit, boy?  Come on.  Gimme a big shit.  I wanna see a big
turd squeeze outta that pretty little asshole of yers.  I love to smell a
little boy's shit."

"You dirty bastard!" I screamed.  "Get away from me!"

Just then, Charlie threw me on my back, pushed my legs up to my chest and
mounted me.  He violently pushed the entire length of his cock into my
asshole in one horrible thrust with no lubricant.  I couldn't help it, but
I screamed from the terrible pain of it.  He clamped his hand over my
mouth.  I could hardly breath.  He pounded me so hard that I thought all my
insides were crushed.  The pain was so intense that I passed out.

I don't remember how long I was out, but when I awoke, the man was gone,
and I felt a terrible burning and stinging in my ass.  I rolled over and
saw that my sheet was soaked with blood.  I was so scared.  I got up and
limped to the bathroom down the hall. Dad's playroom door was open and it
was empty.  All the men had gone home and dad's bedroom door was closed.  I
saw in the mirror that my ass cheeks were red with blood, and blood was
running down one of my legs.  I was shaking, I was so scared.  I got in the
shower and knelt down.  I was shaking too hard to stand up.  I was afraid
my knees would buckle.  I let the water run over me and watched the bloody
water run down the drain.  I knelt there for a long time.  When I turned
off the water, I saw that the blood was still running out of my crack down
my leg.  I crawled out and pushed a towel up into my crack to absorb the
blood.  I held it there as I walked slowly back to my room.  I looked at
the bloody sheet and I started to cry.

"I knelt down by the bed and I remember saying aloud, "Oh, Matthew, help
me!"  I went to my desk and searched around for Matthew's phone number.
When I found it, I dialed it on my cell phone.

"Hello," answered Matthew sleepily.

My tears were choking me, but I tried to get the words out, "Matthew, I'm
hurt.  Pl . . . Please help me."

"Jeb!" he shouted.  "It's three o'clock in the morning!  What happened?
Where are you?"

I could hardly get the words out.  "I'm at home," I sobbed.  "I'm hurt
really bad."

"Jeb, Please!" shouted Matthew.  "Tell me what happened!"

"A man . . . a man . . . one of dad's friends hurt me.  I'm bleeding awful
bad."

"Where are you bleeding, Jeb?  Tell me, please!"

"In my . . . in my ass.  I don't . . . know what . . . to do, Matthew. I'm
so scared."

"Listen to me, Jeb, pack your crack with a towel or something and just wait
there in your room.  I'm leaving right now.  I'll be there in about a half
hour.  There shouldn't be any traffic between Austin and there this time of
night."

"I already have a towel stuffed in there, Matthew.  Oh, God.  I'm so
scared."

"Just stay there in your room, Jeb.  Everything's going to be okay.  I'll
be there very shortly.  On my way, I'll call 911 on my cell phone and an
emergency crew wikk go there.  Jeb?  You're going to be alright.  Trust me.
I love you."

I began to feel calmer knowing that Matthew would be here to help me.
Soon, I heard the doorbell, and then I heard a pounding on the front door.
I heard dad open his bedroom door, muttering, "Who the fuck is at the door
at this hour?"

As he opened the front door, Matthew burst in shouting, "Ben, you
son-of-a-bitch!"  Running down the hall, he found me standing at my bedroom
door.  He had a look of shock on his face when he glanced in and saw the
blood on my bed.  Dad came running in, followed by my step-mom.  Dad
shouted, "What the fuck is going on here.  How dare you break into our
house like this?"

Then both dad and my step-mom saw the blood on my bed and blood on the
backs of my legs.  Dad yelled, "For Christ sake, what happened here?"  My
step-mom rushed over to me and put her arm around me and said, "Oh, Jeb,
please sit down here.  You're as white as a ghost."

Very soon, an ambulance arrived.  The medics examined me and I could tell
from their knowing glances at each other, they knew what had happened.  One
of them said, "We're going to put you on a gurney, young man, and take you
to the Emergency Room.  They'll examine you to determine the extent of your
injuries and get you all fixed up."  Then turning to Matthew and dad, the
medic said, "Who did this to the young man?  Was it one of you?  I assume
you know that this has to be reported as a case of domestic abuse of a
child."

Dad said, "He ain't a child."

Then Matthew took hold of dad's arm roughly and said, "Jeb is seventeen.
He's not legally an adult yet."  Then turning to the medic Matthew said,
"Neither I nor his dad did this, but Jeb will be able to identify the man
who did it."

Turning to me, Matthew put his hand on my cheek and said, "Jeb, you're
going to be alright.  I'll be along behind the ambulance in my car, and
I'll see you shortly."

Suddenly, dad turned to Matthew and exploded.  "Listen here, you God-damned
cocksucker.  What the fuck business do you have tellin' my son he'll be
alright!  You ain't his fuckin' father!  And I don't like you bustin' into
our house like this!  You ain't a member of this family!

Matthew shouted back, "Ben, you didn't do this, but you're just as
responsible for it happening as though you did do it!"

Dad grabbed Matthew by the front of his shirt with his left hand, and
pulled back his right arm as though he was going to hit Matthew.  But just
as quickly, Matthew swung out with his own right arm and hit dad squarely
on the side of the head, knocking him down on the floor.  Dad was dazed,
and watched us blankly as we all left the house.

My step-mom, still in her robe, followed us out to the ambulance and rode
with me to the hospital.  I could hear her saying, "You're going to be
alright, dear, and Matthew will be there with you, too.  He's following us
in his car."

The medics were good for their word.  Two policemen were waiting at the
emergency room when we arrived.  Although I could hear the doctors asking
that the police wait to talk with me until after I had been examined, the
policemen insisted and started asking me questions right away.  I told them
that the man's name was Charlie and that he was a friend of my dad's.

I was given a sedative and must have slept for another eight or ten hours.
When I woke up, I was informed that I had had a lot of tearing of both my
anus and places in my rectum.  While I was out of it, they had operated and
repaired the damage.  The doctor told me I would be as good as new in
another couple of weeks.  Matthew told me that the police had gone to our
house and talked to my dad.  He was able to tell them where Charlie lived,
and the police arrested him, charging him with aggravated assault of a
minor.

I looked over and saw my step-mom asleep in a chair by my bed.  I called
softly, "Mom, Mom."  She opened her eyes, and looked so tired.  "Are you
okay, Mom?"

"Oh, Jeb," she said, getting up and standing next to my bed with her hand
on my cheek.  "I'm fine.  How do you feel, dear?"

"I feel pretty good, except I'm kind of sore inside."

"We were so worried about you, dear," she said.  "You can thank Matthew
here for what he did to help you."  She stood on her tip-toes and kissed
Matthew on the cheek.  "Jeb, I'm going down the hall to talk with the nurse
for a few minutes to see what kind of orders the doctor left."

As she walked out the door, Matthew followed her.  They stopped just
outside and I could hear them talking.  Matthew said, "Mrs. Carson, I want
you to know that Jeb loves you very much for all the things you have done
for him.  You've been a wonderful influence in his life."

"Well, Matthew, it isn't easy to guide a boy who has a father like Ben.
But I do my best.  And Matthew, I want you to know that I am aware of Jeb's
love for you."

"You are?" said Matthew with surprise.

"Of course.  You're a fine young man, someone Jeb needs in his life.  I
know that he loves you very much.  And all I ask of you, Matthew, is that
you love him with all your heart.  I'm so glad that you will be there in
Austin with him while he's there at the University next year."

I could see through the door Matthew talking my step-mom in his arms and
hugging her.  He came back into the room, and I could see that his eyes
were brimming with tears.  "Matthew, what's the matter?" I said.

"It's your step-mom, Jeb.  You're so lucky to have her."

Matthew leaned over and put those soft lips of his on mine and kissed me
gently.  I took hold of his hand and brought his arm to my lips.  I ran my
lips and tongue over the soft hair on his strong forearm.  How I loved his
arms . . . those beautiful, strong arms.

"Matthew, I'm sorry," I whispered.  "I'm really sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"You should be at your new job, rather than fooling around with me."

"Jeb, they know that I have a friend who was hurt.  They understand."

I could feel the tears starting to come again.  "I tried, Matthew.  I tried
to push out like you said, but it didn't work."

"Oh, Jeb, nothing could have prevented what happened to you last night.
Don't blame yourself."

I looked into Matthew's loving eyes and said, "Matthew, do you remember
what you said to me on the phone last night?"

"Yes, I do."

"You said, 'I love you.'  You told me never to say that unless I really
meant it.  Did you really mean that when you said it?"

"Of course I did," Matthew said as he brushed the hair out of my eyes.  "As
I've told you, I would never say it until I knew I could really mean it.
Jeb, it isn't just your body I love.  I love who you are.  I love you for
your talent, for the dreams you have, and for the man I know you will
become."

I felt myself drifting away.  I wanted to sleep, and I wanted his arm's
around me.  As I closed my eyes, I felt Matthew's arms slipping under my
body and pulling me tightly against his.

"You need to sleep now, my beautiful man," said Matthew.  "I'll be right
here when you wake up."

As I lay there with my eyes closed, I heard my dad's voice.  But I lay
still.  I just didn't want to talk with him yet, and I pretended to be
asleep.

Dad stepped to my side and I felt him touch my arm.  "How is he?  Will he
be okay?" I heard him say.

Matthew said, "He's going to be okay.  He's sleeping now."

"I'm sorry, Matt," dad said, "I shoulda been more careful.  I never wanted
any fuckin' thing like this to happen."

"You could have prevented it, Ben," Matthew said.  "You've tried to immerse
your son in your filty life and your crappy friends, and you should have
known he was in danger of this happening."

"I jist wanted him to know what life was really about.  I only want the
best fer Jeb.  He's my only son, and I wanted him to become a real man."

"Ben, your son . . . became a man last night.  Your son endured and
survived something no young man should ever have to go through.  You can be
sure now his life has been changed forever."

I could tell that my dad was crying.  I never knew he had any tears in him.
I suddenly wanted to jump up and hug him.  I really didn't blame my dad.
He only did what he really thought was best for me.  After that night he
had taken me to the club, I really felt that I could then talk to my dad
about anything.  I could talk to him about myself and what I wanted.  But I
never did.  I should have told him how I feel, what I really want.  I
should have told him about my love for Matthew and how I really hated the
kind of life he wanted for me.  But I never did.

Then I heard Matthew say, "Ben, you need to know that I love Jeb very much.
He's going to follow his own path in his life, and it's not going to be
your path.  He's going to be a great man someday.  I know he wants you to
be proud of him.  But he fears you never will be as long as you continue to
hold that slimy way of life of yours up to him as an example."

Dad said nothing for a long time, but then said, "You've stepped into my
son's life and taken my place, haven't ya?  You treat him like you're his
fuckin' father.  And what else do ya do with him?  I saw how much ya both
enjoyed that cock-sucking ya did on him at the Club.  Have ya dicked him
yet?  I'll bet a fuckin' nickle ya have."

"Ben, I'm not his father.  I'm only twenty-seven."

"Ya said ya love him.  What kind of way is that?  Does he love you, too?
Do ya sleep with him?"

"Yes, we love each very much.  But if you want to know how Jeb feels, you
need to sit down and talk with him.  And you need to try to understand.  I
think Jeb has always wanted to love you, Ben.  He always wanted to love you
as his father.  I haven't replaced you as his father."

"But yer his fuckin' lover now, aren't you?"

"Ben, I told you.  You and Jeb have a lot to talk about.  It's time you
really got to know your son.  He's a wonderful young man.  And you need to
see him for what he is.  He'll be truthful with you if you'll let him.
Believe me, he wants your understanding, Ben.

I think I did actually go to sleep eventually, and when I woke up, dad was
gone and Matthew was sitting by my bed, running his hand lightly and softly
over one of my legs.  It felt so good and so comforting.

"Hi!" Matthew said with a smile.  "You know how much I love your legs.  I
hope you don't mind."

"Is dad gone?" I asked.

"I thought you were asleep," Matthew said.

"Well, I was . . . kind of.  Thanks, Matthew, for talking with him like you
did."

I spent two more days in the hospital.  Matthew came to see me, but only in
the evenings after work.  I was glad that he hadn't gotten into any trouble
with his new employers over his time off.  He called me on the phone two or
three times each day, which did more for my recovery than all the constant
fussing over me by the nurses.  I heard the nurses talking among themselves
about how cute they thought I was, and they kept coming in and out just to
get a look at me and touch me.  One of the male nurses seemed just as
curious as the female ones.  He gave me at least four backrubs every day.
He would bring his hands all the way from my neck down over my ass cheeks.
And several times, I felt him slide his fingers furtively through my ass
crack and lightly onto my asshole, which still felt a little tender.  It
always gave me a really stiff hard-on, though.  I think he was always eager
to see it because, when he would finish the backrub, he would always flip
me over on my back.  He got a good view of it, but he never touched it.  He
always left the room with a good sized bulge of his own.  Once, he went
into my bathroom afterwards and closed the door.  In a couple of minutes, I
heard the tell-tale moan of a man having a great orgasm.  When I left the
hospital, I found a note in my pocket from the male nurse that read, "I
like you very much.  If you would like to call me sometime, my number
is:-------."

Matthew brought me home, and my step-mom had cleaned up my room and re-made
my bed.  When I saw the room, I didn't want to go in.  The memory of that
night came back to me.  Instead, I told them that I wanted to lie down on
the sofa in the living room.  Dad was working out at the oil rig that day,
and it was nice to be home.  My step-mom said that she was going to the
grocery store for awhile and that she thought it would be nice for Matthew
and me to have some time alone together.

After she left, Matthew said, "Jeb, I think you should really go in and be
on your bed.  You're going to have to get back into your room eventually."

Matthew reached down and picked me up and carried me into my room.  Then
holding me cradled in only one arm, he threw the covers back with the
other.  "Now let's get you out of those clothes," he said.  "I want you to
be comfortable."

I lay there looking at this beautiful man, who said he loved me, as he very
methodically removed all my clothes and hung them up neatly.  When he
finished, I said, "Matthew, please take off your own clothes and get in bed
with me.  Please."

Matthew smiled as he began unbuttoning his shirt, and said, "I intended to,
my beautiful young man.  Why do you think I carried you in here to bed?"

Matthew stripped down, revealing his body in all it's heavenly naked
masculinity.  He lay down next to me, and those full soft lips of his, that
I craved so much, were soon on mine.  His long dark eyelashes tickled my
cheeks as he kissed me.  This time, I felt his tongue pushing gently
between my lips and into my mouth.  I loved the taste of his saliva as my
tongue swept across the inside of his smooth cheeks.  Oh, how I had yearned
while I was in the hospital to be pressed against his warm, moist skin,
wrapped tightly in his strong arms.  Our lips were locked together, and I
reveled in the feel of his tongue as it explored every corner of my mouth.

Soon, Matthew was sucking on my ears and running his tongue down over my
face and neck.  He took each of my slender arms and ran his tongue over
them, as he loved to do, sucking gently on the soft hair that covered them.
As I closed my eyes, I felt his tongue swirling over my chest, my nipples,
and my stomach.  Oh, how I wished that I had a wonderful six-pack of
muscles like he did.  But he didn't seem to mind.  He swirled his tongue
through my pubic hair, then taking the full length of my gorged penis into
his throat.  Releasing it, his tongue gently licked all around my balls, as
my throbbing penis slapped him in the cheek over and over again.

Matthew spread my legs and tan his tongue over the fleshy part of my upper
inner thighs, driving me crazy.  Then taking each of my legs in his hands,
he held them up and nibbled and licked on them all the way from my hips to
the tip of my toes.  His quiet moans told me he loved the taste of my legs.
Turning me over, he completed my total body tongue bath by first running is
tongue up and around the backs of my legs and over my ass cheeks.  He
licked on my ass cheeks for a long time and I craved to feel is tongue down
between them.  But he never went into my crack and touched my asshole.  He
knew it was still tender and not completely healed.  Then he ran his tongue
up over my back and over my shoulder blades.

I rolled over onto my back and looked at him kneeling beside me.  His penis
was hard and red and encircled with gorged blood vessels.  A large string
of semen was dangling from his pee slit.  I took hold of his hips and
pulled, telling him that I wanted it.  He moved over me and the string of
semen dripped onto my cheek and over my nose.  I pulled his hips closer so
that I could take the whole length of his huge penis into my throat.

I whispered, "Fuck my mouth, Matthew.  Please."

The heat from his body poured down over me like a blanket.  I wanted to be
smothered in it.  My nose was buried in his tangled bush of pubic hair as
he slowly brought his penis in and out of my mouth.  I had the overwhelming
feeling that I wanted to eat and swallow his entire body.  His hard stomach
brushed against my eyes and forehead as he pumped, and his hot sweat
covered my face.  The scent of his sweat and his skin drove me into an
erotic frenzy.  I held on to his ass cheeks with my hands and ran them down
the backs of his hairy thighs.

I soon began to feel the muscles in his buttocks and his thighs tightening
into ribbons of steel.  His penis began to enlarge and harden in my mouth.
A loud animalistic growl came from his mouth as I felt his hard rod beating
the roof of my mouth with every throb and the powerful spewing of hot thick
sperm flooding my mouth and throat.  I swallowed it and sucked hard to get
every drop out of his penis.

Matthew didn't move and allowed his penis to wilt in my mouth.  The
softness that soon came to the skin on his penis was so good.  I prayed he
wouldn't move.  But he soon rolled off, breathing heavily and lay with his
eyes closed beside me.  He soon moved his hand over and gently began
rubbing it over my soft stomach.  Oh, how I wished I had a nice washboard
stomach for him to feel!  Then he leaned over and kissed my stomach and
licked all around and in my navel.  Without a word, he rose up on his
haunches between my legs and took my waiting penis into his mouth.  He
moved his lips up and over it very slowly and gently, tickling it with the
tip of his tongue.  Then taking the whole length of it into his throat, he
began pumping on it faster and faster while running his hands over my legs.
I had been on the verge of cumming for so long before he even started that
I almost felt the beginnings of my orgasm lurking teasingly in the middle
of my body.  I couldn't stop it.  My whole body involuntarily stiffened and
I could feel every muscle in my middle cramping violently as my orgasm
swept over me.  I watched Matthew's mouth as he sucked hard on my penis
which was filling him up with my cum.  After I shot at least four volleys,
he pulled off for a moment, and I shot two more thick ropes of cum onto his
face.  Then he went down again and sucked what remained out of my penis.
Even after I had shot all I had, it seemed that my orgasm continued.  The
feel of his tongue swirling over the head of my penis seemed to keep the
orgasm coming.

He soon pulled off and pulled himself up so he could kiss me.  I licked the
cum off of his face and sucked the cum out of his mouth.  Then he lay next
to me, putting his arms under my body and rolling me over on top of him.
As I lay locked there in his arms, I couldn't believe that the world could
be more beautiful than it was at that moment.  We lay quietly, saying
nothing.  Finally, I rolled off and, still wrapped in his arms, we went to
sleep.  At least I did.  I soon awoke, still pressed against Matthew's warm
body, at the sound of my door opening.

There stood my step-mother.  I looked up at her, totally unable to know
what to do.  She stood there with a sweet smile on her face and said, "I'm
glad you're home, Jeb.  And I'm so glad you're with him, Matthew.  Jeb
needs you so much.  I bought some fresh strawberries, and I thought I would
make some strawberry shortcake for a mid-afternoon snack.  If you'd like
some, come on into the kitchen whenever you'd like."

After she closed the door, Matthew and I looked at each other with grins on
our faces and then, with our minds as one, we both jumped up and threw our
clothes on.

Mom served the shortcake in large flat soup bowls with strawberries piled
high and topped with cream.  As we sat down, she said, "Here, Jeb.  Sit on
this rubber donut.  I always use it when my hemorrhoids act up.  It'll make
sitting on this hard chair more comfortable.

After Matthew's first spoonful, he said, "Mrs. Carson, this is wonderful!
And you made real shortcake, not that sponge cake stuff they serve in
restaurants."

Mom said, "Of course.  It's not shortcake if it's made with sponge cake!"

I was still feeling a little nervous about my step-mom walking in on us and
seeing Matthew and me in bed together.  I put my spoon down and said, "Mom,
I'm really sorry."

"You're sorry?  About what?" she said.

"Well, I'm sorry about . . . you know . . . back in my room.  We just
. . . ."

"Oh, Jeb, please.  Don't worry about that.  I know that I've told Matthew
here, and I know I should tell you as well.  Jeb, I know how much you and
Matthew love each other."

"You do?"

"Of course!  One would have to be blind and deaf not to know that.  And it
may surprise you, but I'm very happy about it.  And when I saw you this
afternoon, I was even happy to know that your love was that deep."

"And you don't mind that we . . . love each other like that?" I stammered.

"Jeb, I'm going to tell you about something I never talk about.  But you
need to know.  When I was a young girl, I had an older brother, who I
adored.  His name was Brian.  Our father was a prominent business man---a
merchant---in our small town, and the only thing he cared about as far as
Brian and I were concerned was that we behaved and would never do anything
to embarrass him socially with his friends and business associates.  Brian
was a sensitive, introspective young man.  He was bookish and loved
classical music.  He spent much of his time with his best friend, Carey.
They would spend hours together in the evenings closed away in Brian's
room.  My father had heard a rumor that Carey didn't like girls.  He
confronted Brian and forbade him to ever see Carey again.  They had a
terrible argument, and Brian admitted that he loved Carey and that he was
the same as Carey.  My father threw Brian out of the house that very
evening and told him never to come back.  Brian was only eighteen, and
Carey was twenty, as I remember.  Brian moved in with Carey, but he
remained terribly hurt that our father rejected him.  Brian would meet me
sometimes away from home and confided in me about how much he loved Carey.
It wasn't long, though, that Carey apparently fell in love with someone
else and sent Brian away.  I remember the night Brian came home and begged
our father to let him stay.  Again, there was a terrible fight, and Brian
was once again sent away.  Several days later, we received word that Brian
had taken his own life.  He had gone down to Lake Porter and, as he stood
in the water, he cut his own throat.  They found a short note in his pocket
that was addressed to me.  It simply said that he loved me, but he had
nothing more to live for."

I took my step-mother's hand and said, "I never knew about that, mom.  I'm
so sorry.  What a terrible thing."

"I wanted you both to know about that," she said.  "It made me understand
what a tragic thing it can be in someone's life when there is no one to
love him.  That's why I said to you, Matthew, in the hospital that all I
want is for you to love Jeb with all your heart.  Jeb is my Brian now.  And
I'm not going to allow what happened to Brian to happen to Jeb.  He's like
my very own son, as dear and close as though he came out of my own womb."

"Mrs. Carter," Matthew said, "I don't know what to say.  I feel so badly
for your brother.  But I do want to tell you that I understand about loving
someone and losing him.  I lost someone with whom I was desperately in
love.  And, with all my heart, Mrs. Carter, I want you to know that I not
only love Jeb, but I will never, ever do anything to hurt him."

When I saw her wipe her eyes with the hem of her apron, I said, "Mom,
please.  Please don't cry.  I'm glad you told us about Brian.  It's
something I'll never forget."

"Mrs. Carson," said Matthew.  "I promise that I do, and will always love
Jeb with all my heart.  I would sooner cut my own throat than to ever hurt
him."

My step-mom stood up and kissed Matthew and I both on the cheek.  She
smiled and said, "I'm a happy woman that God sent you to us, Matthew.  Now
I hope you'll stay for dinner, Matthew.  Ben is having to work late and
won't be home until late this evening.  I have some pork chops that I'll
fry up."

"I'd be glad to stay, Mrs. Carson.  But I'll have to leave right away
afterward.  I have to work on an engineering plan on the reconstruction of
a small building in Austin, and I have to present it to the partners early
in the morning."

After dinner, I walked out with Matthew to his car.  "Thank you, Matthew.
I'm so happy that everything worked out with mom knowing about us."

"She's a wonderful, loving mom, Jeb.  I'll never disappoint her.  I promise
you.  I'll call you in the morning from the office after I make my
presentation."

When I went back into the house, I told my step-mom that I was going into
my room to work on some poetry.  She said, That'll be fine.  I have a
basket-full of mending to do, and I'll do it as I watch my favorite
program, 'Law and Order.'  Here, Jeb.  Be sure to take the donut with you!"

I sat down at my desk and began re-writing the poem I had begun for
Matthew.  With so much love for him overflowing in my heart, the words
flowed from my pen like oil.  After a while I stopped and read it.  I was
disappointed that it sounded so mushy.  My teacher had warned me never to
fill my poems with sentimentality.  Too much sentiment would ruin the true
meaning of the piece.  I tore it up and began again.  Then again and again.
I could tell that it was better each time I re-wrote it.  But my brain was
becoming flooded with words and I found it more and more difficult to sort
them out.  I decided to put it aside and look at it again with fresh eyes
in the morning.

I stripped down and went into the bathroom and took a shower.  When I was
done, I put dry packing into my ass crack as I had been instructed, and
went back to my room.  I lay down on top of the covers and took my pillow
into my arms, fantasizing that it was Matthew.  I was in a complete state
of peace.  I had heard that love made the whole world around you beautiful
and serene.  And it was true.  I even looked at the ugly lamp by my bed,
and suddenly saw it as the most beautiful lamp I'd ever seen.

I had masturbated in the shower, and now wanted to drift away into sleep.
Then my door opened slightly.  I looked and it seemed like a strange man
silhouetted against the light in the hall.  "Can I come in, Jeb?" the voice
said.  It was dad.

Dad stood looking down at me.  I very nearly didn't recognize him.  He had
cut off his pony tail and had a buzz haircut.  And his beard was gone.
"Dad, is that you?" I said with wonder in my voice.

"Yeah.  I wanted to see ya and ask ya how yer doin'"

"I'm doing okay," I said, still clutching the pillow.

"Well," dad began, "I wanted to say somethin' to ya."

"No, dad.  Don't say it.  I just don't want to think about it.  It's over."

"I wanted to tell ya I'm sorry."

"Thanks dad," I said.  "But it's over now, and I'll be okay."

"I know I haven't been much to ya, boy.  And I been doin' a lotta thinkin'.
Maybe me and you can kinda start over."

I said, "I see you've cut your hair and shaved off your beard."

"Yeah.  It's better, ain't it.  Do ya like me better without it?  I was
hopin' ya would."

"Dad, I don't care whether you cut it off or not.  It makes no difference
to me.  If it makes you feel more comfortable, then fine.  But it doesn't
change anything, dad.  You're still what you are.  Your sex parties, your
so-called club, your crappy friends.  You can shave your head bald, and
nothing of that other stuff will change."

Dad stood there staring at me.  He almost looked pathetic with his hair
chopped off and his beard gone.  I'd never known what his face really
looked like.  He said very quietly, "Why do you talk to me like that?"  He
sounded almost pitiful.  "Has Matthew . . . ."

"I don't want you talking about Matthew, dad," I interrupted.  I regretted
saying that.  I needed to talk to dad about Matthew.  "Okay, dad.  What
were you going to ask?"

"Has Matthew been to see you?"

"Yes."

Dad took a few steps toward me and then said, "Can I lie down with you?
Please?  Please don't turn me away."

Suddenly I knew there was no way I could turn my dad away when he wanted to
be with me.  "Sure, if you'd like to," I said.

"Can I lie with you naked?"

He sounded almost like a little boy.  I never knew him like this.  "Of
course, you can," I said.  Dad lay down next to me without touching me and
stared nervously at the ceiling.

I propped up on one elbow, and said, "Dad, what is it?  What are you trying
to do?  You cut off your hair, you come in here like this.  You're not
yourself at all."

"Jeb, I don't want to be left out of your life," he said still staring at
the ceiling.  "I've taken ya fer granted for so long.  I wanted to be yer
father again.  Then when ya rejected what I tried to do fer ya and ya said
such bad things about what I do, I jist . . . ."

I knew it was time to talk about Matthew.  He was at the heart of all this.
"Dad, I don't like the kind of life you lead.  You may think it will make
some sort of a real man out me, whatever that is.  But I hate that kind of
life.  I think it's time I tell you about myself, and I know you're going
to hate it.  I don't have any feeling for girls, dad.  That's why I never
had a girl friend.  But I've fallen in love anyway.  It's Matthew.  Matthew
and I have fallen very much in love with each other.  I know you're hating
to hear this, but please don't say anything yet.  Because I know what
you're going to say.  You'll say, what's the difference between fucking a
man's hole and a woman's hole.  Well, I haven't fucked Matthew . . . yet.
That isn't what I'm after.  It isn't just sexual gratification I'm after.
My feeling for him is romantic.  And while they go together when two people
love each other, there's a difference between romantic and sexual.  It's
not only his penis or his hole I love, it's his heart, the love I see in
his eyes, the reassuring touch of his fingers on me and his breath on my
cheek when he holds me.  It's what he is, the dreams and ambitions he has
and the inspiration he gives me.  That's who I am.  I'm a romantic.  I
write poetry to express myself, and it's good poetry.  And you are who you
are.  You do the things you do because you believe it solidifies your
manhood.  I know you'll hate hearing the word, but I'm a homosexual, dad.
Nevertheless, I'm still a man.  And I'm going to be a good man, like
Matthew.  I've promised myself I will never hurt anyone, I'll never demean
them for what they are, including you.  I accept who you are, dad.  You can
cut your hair, you can shave your whole body and burn off your tatoos.  But
it will never change who you are.  And by the same token, you can take me
to your Club every night, if you wish, and perhaps know that one of your
friends raped me again.  But it will never change who I am and what I am
determined to be."

I looked into dad's face.  I knew I had gone too far.  He was mortified.
His eyes remained closed, and I could see a slight quivering of his chin.
I'd said too much.  I hurt him.  My God, I didn't mean to.

Dad turned slightly away from me, and I could tell he was about to get up.
Instinctively, I grabbed hold of him and pulled him back and put my arms
around him.  Then he slowly put his own arms around me and rested his face
on my chest.  I ran my hands lightly over his neck and back, and I finally
said, "And there's one other thing that will never change.  I love Matthew,
but Matthew will never take your place as my dad.  You'll always be my dad,
and nothing can change that.  And I'll always be your son if you'll accept
me for what I am.  I love you, dad.


My sincere and heartfelt thanks go to all of you who have written me after
reading the first chapter.  I was overwhelmed with an extraordinary number
of e-mails that I received.  I am grateful and flattered by your comments.
The story is fictional, but it's written from the heart.  My writing
teachers use to proclaim that all writing is autobiographical in the sense
that what is in the author's heart and mind always shines through in his
writing.  I'm trying to thank everyone personally who responded.  But there
are so many of you.  If any of you have not heard from me yet, please be
patient.

Tom Borden
Tombor99@yahoo.com