Courtesy of www.99Gay-Men.US

Breakup Breakdown

by Greg Scott

All the usual stuff about you must be old enough in your jurisdiction, etc.  In other words, if you are underage, don't read this unless you have a really cool teacher who assigned it.  Otherwise, come back in a few years, when nobody will yell at you.


What is "home?"  I guess that's where I was headed.  I had told my campus friends that I was going home for the weekend.  I confirmed to my parents that I would be home while they enjoyed a long, romantic weekend in San Diego a couple thousand miles away.

However, increasingly I actually thought of my home as the two bedroom house near my university's campus that I shared with three other guys.  As a second semester college freshman, I seemed to be making the emotional transition to an independent lifestyle.

At the beginning of first semester, I had gone back to my family's house every weekend; then I cut back to once every two or three weeks.  The trip I was currently making would be my first time back since winter break, four weeks before.  I was looking forward to spending some time with my brother, but it felt more like a visit than a return to my nest.

My brother, in fact, was the reason for my journey.  He had turned eighteen just a few days before, but I wasn't going back for a belated birthday celebration.  Neither of us were really party animals.

My parents asked me to come because Jason and his girlfriend of two years had recently broken up.  Apparently, Jason was having a hard time dealing with it.  He had only gone to school one day since it happened nearly two weeks before.  Jason loved school, so the news of his absences really made me realize how hard he was taking it.

I could understand why he was so heartbroken.  Jason and Sarah had been inseparable.  They went almost everywhere together.  They even studied together.

So, I could understand...but I couldn't really relate to what he must be feeling.  I've never been in love.  Oh, I've been "in lust" but never felt more than physical desire for any of the objects of that lust.  On the other hand, I have felt a different kind of love for several of my good friends, but I've not had any physical attraction toward them.  I knew that Jason felt that magical combination with Sarah--the love of a friendship and a real physical connection as well, although Jason never really talked to me about the physical part of it.

For a while, I think I was jealous of Sarah.  My brother and I fought like crazy until we were around twelve and thirteen.  Then, without any explanation, we became best friends and had stayed that way ever since.  When Sarah first entered the equation a few years later, she filled part of the space that I was accustomed to having to myself in Jason's life.

My jealousy lasted only a short time.  Jason still included me whenever they went to a movie, a restaurant or wherever.  I usually took along a friend so that I wouldn't feel like the proverbial third wheel.  Besides, I noticed that Jason and I came to value our one on one time much more than we had before.  It became a time for special events or more meaningful conversation.

It was during one of these private moments shortly before I started my final high school year that Jason had startled me with a question that we laughed about often later.

"Are you going to come out to Mom and Dad before you go to college?"

We had been mutually putting together our modified "bucket list," not things we wanted to do before we died but things we wanted to accomplish prior to leaving the nest by going off for higher education.  I had just mentioned my desire to get laid prior to my departure a year later.

If you guessed that this question caught me off guard, you are absolutely right.  I had never told Jason or anybody else that I was gay.  I didn't see much point in it.  As I saw it there was really nothing to tell.

I had never done anything with another guy.  While I'm at it, I might as well tell you that I had never done anything with a girl either.  I had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend.  Sure, I knew what I wanted, but I had never made any moves to get it.  Given all of that, it was going to be difficult to meet my goal of getting "laid" before going to college.  (By the way, I didn't reach the goal, and I still hadn't by the second semester of my freshman year in college.)

The question hung in the air.  I could deny my sexual orientation, but what was the point of that?  Besides Jason and I never lied to each other about anything.

I could just answer the question directly.  The truth was that I had never given a moment's thought to whether I should disclose my interests to my parents.

Instead, I answered his question with one of my own.

"How did you figure it out?" I asked what was really on my mind.

He said, "It wasn't that hard.  I wondered for a long time about why you never had a girlfriend.  You're good looking, smart, a bit of a jock with a great personality.  Everybody loves you."

He could have been describing himself, except for the no girlfriends part.  Each of us was a sort of "all American boy next door" type.  

"Remember when we went to watch Sarah's team's first volleyball game?" he continued.

"Sort of," I said, trying the picture the environment.

"Yeah, well, there were all those girls on the court with legs exposed and boobs bouncing.  Every guy in the place was watching the action, even if they didn't really care about the outcome of the game."

"Yeah, so?" I said.

"I looked over at you once, and you were staring in a different direction.  You weren't paying any attention to the game at all," Jason said.

"So what?" I said, although I thought I had a pretty good idea of where this was going.  By this time I had a solid memory of that game.  Well, I guess I didn't really remember the game so much as the event surrounding it.

"You were completely mesmerized by the guys from the other school, dressed in tight shorts and tighter t-shirts who were pretending to be cheerleaders.  Right then, I knew for sure."

The conversation went on for a while, although we didn't get back that night to Jason's original question about whether I would come out to Dad and Mom before I went to the university the following Fall.

One night a few months later, after we had turned out our bedroom light, Jason said, "What do you think of Jordan?"

Jordan was a friend of ours who just happened to be Sarah's older brother, although they were in the same school class.  Their parents had decided to delay Jordan's entry into first grade by a year to give him a little more time to mature.

"He's pretty cool, I guess.  I like him.  Why?" I responded.

"I think he's gay.  You guys should go to a movie or something," Jason said.

"We hang out all the time," I said, stating what Jason already knew.

"I mean you should go some place, just the two of you, not in a group," he clarified.

"Look, Jason, Jordan is a friend of mine.  I don't think of my friends that way," I said.

"You keep up with that attitude and you'll never get laid," Jason used a somewhat exasperated tone.

"What makes you think he's gay?" I asked.  I had known Jordan forever and never had any clues that he liked guys other than as friends.

"Once when I was over at Sarah's studying, she and I wanted to use a computer at the same time, so I used Jordan's.  It was on a gay site."

"Maybe he had just been doing some research," I suggested.

"Let's just say that it wasn't a research type website," he said.  "Besides, I've watched the way he looks at other guys, and it's the same way you look at them."

"Well, I don't think of him that way," I reiterated.  "Besides, I don't want to screw up a good friendship."

Jason let it drop.  That was his last effort at far, at least.

When I finally arrived at the house and let myself in, the empty living room was illuminated by a single lamp.  I didn't expect Jason to be up.  It was late, and Jason had never been much of a night owl.

I was hungry after my drive, but I was too tired to even think of fixing myself a sandwich.  I went into the kitchen to check the refrigerator for notes out of habit more than any expectation that I would find one.

However, Jason had left a note for me before he went to bed.  It simply said, "Hi Greg, Sorry I didn't wait up for you.  It's been a rough week.  We'll talk in the morning.  Your loving brother, Jason."

The closing seemed a little mushy, even for Jason, who had never been afraid to show affection.  If the situation had been reversed, I was sure that my note would have been quite a bit more formal.  That sort of characterizes the major difference between us.  I tend to be a little aloof, which is probably part of the reason that I still hadn't reached that objective about getting laid.  I don't mean to be standoffish; it just seems natural to me, even when I care a lot for someone.

I decided to get undressed in the living room and go straight to bed, so that I wouldn't disturb my brother.  He's always been a light sleeper.

When I reached the familiar bedroom, I felt my way through the darkness and discovered that Jason had turned down the covers for me.  I smiled to myself and thought that my brother would be ideally suited for the hospitality industry.

Before climbing in, I slipped off my boxers.  I had recently gotten accustomed to sleeping nude, although we had grown up always sleeping in boxers.

The reason for my change in sleepwear, or more accurately lack of sleepwear, was convenience.  Over the past few months, my gay roommate and I had become what is known as friends with benefits.  The benefits were not the sort that would allow me to declare that I was no longer a virgin.  It's just that whenever we were horny, either one of us or both, we would jack off each other.  That was all.  No romance, no penetration anywhere, and just a quick kiss on the lips when we were both finished and a return to our own separate beds.

In any case, nineteen year olds can get horny at any time of the day or night, so it made life a little easier to sleep nude.  After my roommate and I had both come to that conclusion, I found that I also enjoyed the freedom of nudity in bed.

Once I was settled in my old bed, my hunger became more intense.  I reconsidered making a sandwich, but in the coziness of the bed making a sandwich seemed even more of a challenge than it had when I was downstairs in the kitchen.  I decided to tough it out until morning.  Maybe Jason and I could go out for a huge breakfast.

Whenever I have a long drive late in the day, I get very tired but, invariably, have trouble getting to sleep.  I lay on my back with eyes open.  I thought about how strange it felt to be in that bed, even though it was also so familiar.  I thought about the rough time Jason must be having.  He and Sarah had seemed perfectly matched.

I heard quiet sobs coming from my brother's bed.  I briefly wondered whether I should let him endure his mourning without interruption.  However, Jason had never been embarrassed by his emotions any more than he would be embarrassed by his open displays of affection.  Everything that was inside him was visible on the outside for all to see, and he didn't care.

"Can I do anything, Jason," I whispered, even though I knew nobody else was in the house.

"Sarah's pregnant, Greg," he said in a low voice.

"Oh my god, what are you guys going to do?  Have you decided?" I asked.  I was surprised, but I wasn't shocked.  They had been together for two years and were obviously deeply in love.

"There's nothing for me to decide," Jason answered.  "I'm still a virgin."

It took me a few seconds to put the pieces together.  It wasn't such a challenging puzzle, I guess, but I hadn't expected that response.  Besides I really was very tired.

"I'm sorry, Jason."  It was all I could think of to say.

"Jordan says that Sarah's going to keep the baby and marry the guy.  They don't even know each other very well.  I can't believe her parents are allowing her to do that."

"I'm sorry," I repeated.  I felt devastated to know how hurt Jason must be.  

"Will you hold me?" Jason asked.

This was something that I hadn't heard from Jason in almost fifteen years.  When we were little and my one year age advantage made me seem bigger than he was Jason would sometimes get scared in the dark.  He would crawl into my bed, and then ask me the same question that he just asked.  Even though we had usually spent most of the day fighting and saying that we wanted to kill the other one, I would always comply with his request.

"Of course," I answered.  "Hang on, let me slip into my boxers first."

"That's okay," he said.  "You're fine the way you are.  I trust you."  There was a hint of Jason's sense of humor in his last line.

He got out of his bed and crossed the few steps to mine.  He got into my bed and slid himself back until we were touching along the length of our bodies.  I turned from my back to my side and put my arm around him so that we were spooning.

"Thanks, Greg.  This feels good," he whispered.

I pulled him closer in response and held him tightly, as if to protect him from all the pain that he had recently endured.  I had moist eyes from thinking about his lost love and the betrayal that he must feel.

We lay silently for ten minutes of so, our breaths in perfect rhythm.  It felt good to me, too, and I reflected on how much my brother meant to me.  I sensed warmth inside and out. 

"I'm offended," he said breaking the silence.

"I'm sure you are," I answered.  "I understand."

"No.  I mean I'm offended by your lack of reaction."

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

"Well," he said, "I thought I was a pretty good looking guy, but you're not reacting at all."

With that, laughing, he reached back and grasped my flaccid cock.

"I thought that you would at least get a little puffy pressing up against a hot stud like me," he teased.

"I'm sure I would be hard as a rock if you weren't my brother," I said.  "Besides, you have boxers on."

With that he released my dick, whipped off his underwear and threw the boxers across the room.  Then he reached back and grabbed my cock again.

"Nope.  Didn't work," he teased finding me still unaroused.  "I think you're suffering from a little erectile dysfunction."

"Well, I try to keep it under control," I played along with his game.  "Once it get hard it lasts for more than four hours, and I have to seek immediate medical help."

"Yeah," Jason laughed.  "And what's the young intern who comes to your rescue look like?"

He released my dick, and we went back to the silence of our regular breathing.  I felt as if Jason must be feeling better, and I was doubly glad that I came home to be with him this weekend.

After a few quiet moments, he moved his hand to cover mine that was resting on his chest.  He squeezed it gently.  

Then he grasped my hand and moved it slowly down the front of his body.  I felt the beginning of his pubic hair.  He kept moving along the same path, slowing the further he moved our joined hands.

Eventually, of course, I felt my hand contact his cock.  To my surprise it was completely rigid.  I made an effort to move my hand back to his stomach, but he resisted my move.

He placed my hand directly on his dick and pushed my fingers so that my entire hand encircled his throbbing member.  I left it there, and I felt my own cock respond, a reaction he must have sensed as it was pressing against his lower back.

He reached back and grasped me again, but this time there was no joking in his pumping movement.  I grew to full staff instantly.

Our movement up to this point had been slow and tentative.  He started to turn, and in so doing released me from his grasp.  In a fearful reaction to what we had done, I urgently let go of him.  

He turned toward me, placing his hand on my shoulder blade and pulled me closer.  He leaned his head closer, moved his hand to the back of my head and brought me forward until our lips touched.

At first it was a tender kiss, but then he pressed harder on the back of my head.  I felt his lips part and his tongue entered my mouth exploring every part of my oral cavity.  As his tongue retreated, mine moved into his mouth, imitating every move that he had performed a moment earlier.

I pulled my tongue out of his mouth, backed away very slightly and used it to trace the outline of his lips.  I marveled at the stubble above and below.  He had at least two or three days of beard growth.  It felt good against my tongue.

"Have you managed to lose your virginity, yet?" he asked with what I imagined to be a twinkle in his eye, although I couldn't see much of anything in the darkness of our shared bedroom.

"No.  I'm still pure as the driven snow," I replied.

"I think it's time to change that," he said.  "At least one of us needs to get laid."

You may be thinking that I should have said something about us being brothers or about him being straight.  I didn't.  In fact, I didn't care about anything right then except that his dick indicated that he wanted this as much as I did.  Maybe he even needed it more.

I moved the covers off us, moved down the bed and in a single movement engulfed his beautiful cock with my hungry mouth.  I swirled my tongue; I provided suction; I moved my head up and down.  I did everything with my mouth that I had been mentally practicing for years.

My fantasy experiences must have paid off.

"Oh, god," Jason moaned.  "You are great.  I never imagined that anything could feel this good."

Either Jason's imagination was not as vivid as mine, or he said that as a simple social convention.  In any case, his words encouraged me to even greater oral acrobatics on his cock, balls and the surrounding areas.

He started to pump himself into me, exploring the darkest depths of my mouth.  Then he suddenly stopped.  I panicked until I saw that he was just spinning around on the bed so that his face was now inches from my own cock.

I went back to devouring him.  His tongue reached out for a tentative lick, before he began the same deep throating action that I was using on him.  

We worked each other feverishly in that way for several minutes, I think.  I can't really say how long we enjoyed each other, because time seemed to be totally irrelevant.  I wanted it to last longer, but I felt myself losing control.  I know that my eyes didn't literally roll back in my head, but I understand what that description means.

This sure beat masturbation!  It was also way better than jacking off, or being jacked off by, my roommate.  It was ...  I don't think I can find words to describe it.  If you've never been in a really good sixty-nine with a guy, just imagine it.  Now multiply it by infinity.

When I felt my juices working their way through my body, I warned Jason.  He reacted the way I hoped that he would.  He intensified his efforts with his mouth.  Just an instant before I exploded into his mouth, he poured his juices forcefully into mine.

My orgasm was more intense than anything I had felt before.  His must have been satisfying as well, because he literally screamed around my dick as he shot volley after volley into me.

I knew what he tasted, because like any self-respecting gay man, I have tasted my own cum on numerous occasions.  His tasted similar to mine, although it might have been a bit sweeter.

Once we had both returned to earth, Jason turned around so that his head was up by the pillows, again.  I expected that he would silently move back to his own bed.  He didn't.

He leaned forward and gave me the most passionate kiss yet.  When his thunderous kiss had finished, he put his arm around me.  I did the same.  I quickly fell asleep, and I think he did too.

I awoke ten hours later with Jason's arm still cradling me.  During the night I had apparently rolled over, because my morning hard on was pointing toward the empty side of the bed and my face was staring at the alarm clock on the familiar night stand.  I felt another hard cock poking into my back.

I stretched my legs, and Jason stirred.

"Morning," he croaked in his morning voice.

"Good morning to you, too," I replied, straining to get out the first words of the day.

"How does it feel waking up to your first day as a non-virgin?"  I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Is that what I am?" I asked, honestly unsure about what officially qualified in the gay world as losing virginity.

"Well at the least, the way I see it, you're only half a virgin," Jason said playfully.

"I may be only half a virgin, but I gotta tell you that I feel like much more of a man than I did yesterday.  Does that sound weird to you," I asked.

"Not at all weird.  In fact, and here's what's bizarre, I feel like more of a man than I felt yesterday, too.  At least I feel more human than I've felt since Sarah told me the news," he said.

"Well I'm glad you got something out of last night," I felt relieved that he must not be feeling any guilt because of our activities.

"Oh, I got a lot out of last night!" he stressed.  "It was great!  I've honestly never felt anything so good."

"Me too," I replied, and then I quietly added, "Thanks."

"You don't need to thank me.  Now all you have to do is find some gay stud to get rid of the rest of that virginity."

"And you need to find a hot girl to take care of yours," I replied teasingly.

"I think I need to sit on the bench for a while.  Maybe after the summer, at college, I'll think about getting back into the dating game.  For now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of my senior year as a horny, single man.  But first, I have got to take a leak," he said as he turned away from me to plod off to the bathroom.

We had breakfast at a local diner.  While I was attacking my bacon, Jason looked at me and just smiled.

"What's funny?" I asked with my mouth full of food.

"Nothing's funny," he replied.  "I was just remembering last night.  Thanks."

I continued my breakfast; I was still too hungry to get into a serious discussion or an argument about who should be thanking who.

As we were waiting for the waitress to bring our check, Jason said, "I got a text from Jordan last evening.  He wants to know if we want to hang out, today."

"It's okay with me," I said.  "As long as this isn't some sort of blind date."

Jason laughed and said, "No way, I'll let you find your own man.  Besides, I think Jordan has a little crush on me."

I smiled and teased him, "I don't blame him.  If you weren't my brother..."

We had a great weekend of just regular brother type fun, but I had a great memory to take back to campus in my new status of semi-virgin.  I still wished that Jason had not had to deal with the heartache that Sarah's actions had caused, but at least he and I had gotten some pleasure out of his breakdown over the breakup.

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