Note: This is a work of ﬁction depicting brothers engaging in consensual sex. All materials of "Finding
Home" are the property of the author, copyright 2010. Please send any comments or suggestions to
email@example.com. Let me know if youʼd like to read more.
My name is Matthew Parker. Matt for short. And I have a secret.
While I have a hard time saying it out loud, something happened between my brother and I; something confusing and exciting; something that changed me in unexpected ways. I have trouble finding the words to explain how something like this could have happened, how it could impact my life in such a profound way, but I'll try nonetheless.
My name is Matt Parker, and this is my story.
Chapter 3: First Date
We were both silent for quite a while. We had decided, mutually, that we needed to talk about this whole crazy situation. We had decided that being silent on the issue wasn't helping either one of us. Unfortunately, there was nothing but silence.
What happened was important, serious, a complete game changer in terms of our relationship, as brothers. There wasn't any turning back. We had crossed a line about three states ago, back when we first fucked, fought, and I got my revenge by giving him a mind-numbing blowjob. Circles. Nothing but circles. At least this time, we weren't pretending like there was nothing to discuss. There was definitely many things in desperate need of discussion. However, starting the conversation was going to be the hard part.
"I think we need to establish what exactly happened." Obviously, I had to be the bigger man and start first. "I think it's important to be very clear on what did and did not happen."
"Oh, I'm pretty clear on what happened."
More evasion, alright...this was going to be harder than I thought.
"Right...of course...we had sex."
He nodded silently, the pursing of his lips telling me that I was going to have to do most of the talking.
"We had sex..." I repeated myself, still getting used to saying it out loud. "Like two regular people, connecting for a moment, and..."
"Yeah, but it wasn't regular. It wasn't normal...and we aren't just two strangers, Matt. We're brothers. We're related...by blood...and that makes this...this whole thing very, very wrong." He sighed, standing up from the edge of the bed rubbing his hands down his jeans nervously.
"Right...I know that." I spoke quietly afraid to scare him away. I mean, what else could I say? I understood now how serious this whole situation was especially after our drive back to New York. I had been extremely angry with the way he handled the situation initially. It was like he tried to handle me, tried to write me off like just another hanger-on, a love-struck, silly...girl. I proved to him that I was much more than that. But it cost me a little of my dignity and a sore jaw. I understood now that this wasn't just a casual fling, and it certainly wasn't something that we could base an entire life off of. It wasn't the fairy tale that I wrote in my head after the first time we touched. This was real life, and the whole sex between brothers thing was something we were going to have to deal with.
"I know that." I had no other words, so I would just keep repeating myself until they came to me.
"I mean, do you know? Do you really? Because I can see it in your face...I see that look. I know what that means...and I don't know if I can give you what you want."
I stayed sitting as he paced the room, thoughts racing through my head, thoughts racing through his, not knowing which would hold out for first place. "I'm not asking you for anything Ryan. And how the hell do you know what I want...when...when, I don't even know what I want? I'm just as confused as you are."
He stopped for a second, a pattern, a shadow already worn into the rug beneath his feet. "I know...I'm sorry...I didn't mean that..." He stopped and looked at me for a second. I mean, he really looked. "I don't want to fight with you Matt...I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say...to make this all go away."
"Is that what you want? For all of this to go away...to just have it all disappear like none of it ever happened?" I asked trying to fight the slight shrill of hysteria creeping into my voice. But I couldn't turn off the hurt that was starting to fill my eyes.
He started and stopped a few times, unsure of what to say. When he finally decided the right words, he sat down and took one of my hands pulling me to sit on the bed beside him. Hugging me with one arm, he said, "Look, I'm not saying that it wasn't...exciting...wonderful. I'm not saying that it didn't...feel...It felt...good...really good. But we both said...we agreed that it was wrong." His words trailed off leaving us in silence again. The only thing I could hear was the rustling fabric of my sleeve as he rubbed my shoulder trying to provide some level of familial comfort, something to make it better.
I stood up abruptly, surprising him. "Then why? At least give me that...Why did you even come on to me in the first place? You could have just let me walk out the bedroom door and neither of us would be in this mess. Just...why?" I couldn't drop the sound of pleading in my voice, the distinct tone of desperation that I fought to suppress.
"I don't know," he said lamely, even adding a shrug of the shoulders to emphasize his well-thought-out counterpoint.
"I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. I need an answer...I need to know why...something, just give me something..." I swore I wouldn't cry, but I was starting to find it hard not to.
He looked at me again, slowly drawing his gaze up away from his hands to look me straight in the eye. "I don't think I have a good enough reason why. And I'm sorry for that. I'd like to tell you that I do...but I just don't know. It was just something in the room, a feeling...and I decided not to fight it...to just let it happen."
I shook my head, fighting back my tears.
What a fine mess we've gotten ourselves into. It seemed like there was no resolution in sight, which made it all the harder to not feel defeated, to not feel like giving up then and there. I could have given up. I wanted to.
"But we're brothers..." Ryan said as he touched my cheek, brushing away the lone tear I let fall. "...and nothing is going to change that. I will always care for you, love you...and while there may not seem like a quick fix to this problem of ours, it doesn't mean we can't figure it out together...as brothers..."
He let his hand cup the bend of my cheek as I lay my head in his hand taking solace in his touch. Slowly, he closed the gap between us, keeping his hand still as he drew me into him. Our bodies touched, my hands resting on his chest as he leaned in offering me a chaste kiss on the lips. Electricity, as soon as our lips met. They parted and were slightly stuck to one another as if not willing to let go just yet. I looked into his eyes wanting the moment to last for the rest of the night, wanting this feeling to last forever.
"I thought you said that...I thought we agreed that this...that this was..." I couldn't finish my sentence. I knew I should have, but I didn't want what I thought I should say steal away what he was giving me. I didn't want to ruin the moment. I just looked at him, drunk on his kiss, expectantly, resting in his touch.
"But it felt right...felt good...like nothing I have ever felt...being inside you was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced...the closest I've felt to anyone..." His breathing quickened, his lips coming towards mine unsure of their welcome, like he was asking my permission. "Don't you want to feel that again? Don't you want to feel me again?"
I bridged the gap and pressed my lips against his. All the conversation, all the talk, all the words we'd spoken about this being wrong, this being a problem, something needing to be fixed...they didn't seem to mean anything anymore. The only thing that made sense was the feel of his lips, the taste of his tongue sliding into my mouth, the sound of our lips parting, opening to each other.
I held him, kneading my fingers into the fabric of his shirt, my arms wrapped around him playing in the softness at his back. We kissed tentatively at first, not knowing if we were both on the same page.
What first started off as soft exchanges of lips, quick brushes of tongue, quickly turned into a passionate, fevered need. Feeding at his mouth, I felt like I needed the touch of his lips, the swell of his tongue to breathe, only able to get air through the exchange of our mouths eating at each other. I had to come up for real air sometime though, shattering the illusion.
Breaking the silence, I made myself ask, "Are you sure?" Worried what he would say in response as he kissed down the line of my neck, hands already underneath my shirt.
He stopped for only a second to place a single kiss on my lips, to look into my eyes before throwing me onto my bed, his body saying yes for him.
He stripped off his shirt, muscles flexing slightly as he threw it to the floor. I stared at his body. The light, coarse hair covering his chest and stomach, disappearing into the waistband of his jeans, hinting at things lower. The broad expanse of his torso, chiseled and defined complimenting his slim frame. His biceps bulging slightly as he watched me stare at his gorgeous figure, at the stuff that wet dreams are made of.
The pants were next, exposing the gigantic bulge beneath his boxers. I stared at what I knew was underneath, imagining the thick swell of him as he lowered himself to the bed. He kissed me as I reached for his dick, holding him through his boxers. He smiled into my mouth, laughing slightly at the feel of my touch. I smiled back hinting at darker things as I ate at his mouth.
I rolled on top of him, taking the advantage as I took my shirt off above him. He reached up, caressing my stomach, playing his hands through the soft hairs above my waste. He brought himself up while I straddled his waist, licking up my chest, taking my nipple into his mouth, making me sigh in surprise. He licked and bit gently at the hardness of me beneath his lips, my head thrown back in pleasure. I moaned softly to myself enjoying the feel of his lips suctioned to my nipple, teasing me to hardness. I grabbed his head, pulling him away from me to shove my tongue into his mouth, to kiss and lick my way into him.
I pushed him down, shifting my weight slightly to get my feet underneath me to stand. I stood above him slowly unbuckling my belt, drawing out the anticipation, giving him just as a good a show as he'd given me. I drew my hands down inside my pants, hooking my thumbs on my underwear too as I slowly lowered them to the bed, exposing my hard dick, stretching out from my body, thick, in need of release.
He licked his lips, wetting his mouth, ready for me.
I dropped down onto him, pressing my chest against him, covering the length of his body with mine. His body was on fire, his pulse racing under my hands as I ground my dick into his. The feel of his boxers beneath the hardness of my cock was almost painful it felt so good. Small noises tickled there way out of my mouth into his as I slid my way up and down the outside of his boxers, pushing my dick against his.
Reaching down, I fished my way underneath his thin underwear, to grab his large cock as he sighed into my mouth. He was so ready, his dick pulsating with need.
Our limbs were all over the place trying to touch as much of each other as possible, a strange choreographed dance that left me breathless, but still thick with expectation.
Lowering myself to his boxers, I sucked at him through the flimsy material leaving wet lip marks behind. I stared up at him as I tore off his underwear right from underneath him. Without breaking rhythm, I shoved his entire cock into my mouth, before I could catch a breath, choking slightly on his thick 8 inches. He moaned above me, bucking his hips to meet my mouth, enjoying the wet warmth of my strong tongue. I sucked him in and out of my mouth, forcing him to the back of my throat until his dick was dripping with my spit. I knew all the right places to lick and suck and tease and bite. I knew his body now. I knew what would make him writhe, what would make him scream. My head bobbed as I shoved his cock in and out of my mouth picking up a faster rhythm echoing the sharpness of his breath as I swallowed him. He ran his fingers through my hair, feeding me more and more of his dick, pushing his hips off the bed to meet my lips, trying to shove as much of himself into my mouth as possible. He moaned and cried out as I slurped and choked on his dick. I could here him softly mutter to himself, "Oh fuck, that feels so fucking good, fuck, oh fuck..." He couldn't keep quiet, each brush of lips and tongue bringing him to a point of fevered need. I looked up at him as I licked and kissed at him, watching his eyes rolling around in their sockets, lost in the ecstasy of the feeling of my lips wrapped around his swollen dick
I slowed, luxuriating in the velvet feeling of him between my lips, the smell of him, the soft brush of his pubic hair against my face as I sucked him to the hilt. I brought him out of my mouth to lick down the length of him, taking my mouth down the hairy expanse of his balls to lick gently at the flesh below. To my surprise, he lifted his legs allowing me access lower, to the soft puckering of his asshole. I continued my journey, biting at the flesh below his balls, teasing him as he jerked his dick above me.
I licked down to the cleft of his ass, rubbing those muscled cheeks in my hands, biting and kissing his butt. Without waiting for permission, I attacked his hole, my tongue sliding between the puckered lips of his ass, tasting him. I smelled the rich musk of his asshole as I ate at him, kissing, licking, sucking, spreading his cheeks for admittance. He tasted bitter, dark, sexy, the thought of eating my brother out bringing me to a point of hardness that was practically unbearable. I jerked myself as I pushed my tongue into the folds of his ass, fighting my way to taste his insides. His asshole pushed out against me letting my tongue in, letting me search and explore him. I used a finger to push into him, his body stiffening slightly at the intrusion. I moved my finger in and out of him slowly, fucking him with my tongue and hand. He cried out uncontrollably, laughing and screaming out at the feeling of my tongue worming it's way into his asshole. I laughed, smiling at what we were doing, a smile that promised darker, more dangerous things.
I licked along the cleft of his ass, savoring the taste of him. Each stroke of my tongue bringing me to his cock towering above me. I returned to my position above him coming to rest my body along the length of his, kissing him, sharing the taste of his own asshole. He ate at my tongue, sucking on it, rolling it around his mouth with his own, coating his mouth with the bitter, tangy taste of his insides.
I pulled back a moment to look at him, to look at what we were doing. I tried to think of how we got here, this moment, but his eyes beckoned me to continue, to finish what we'd started.
I moved my ass forward, closer to his face, letting my legs surround his head as I lowered myself onto him, beckoning him to taste me. I sat on his face, moaning at the feeling of his tongue working it's way inside of me, getting me wet, getting me ready. I moved lower, my ass wet with his saliva. I stuck two of my fingers in his mouth letting him get them wet for me. He swirled them around his tongue as he stared at me, watching me with rapt attention. He was so fucking sexy. I used my fingers to slide down my stomach, making him follow my hand with his eyes. I raised up off of him to stick my fingers inside my ass, stretching me slightly to get ready for him. I let my head fall back, reveling at the feeling of something inside of me, letting him see the raw need on my face, in my body. I spit in my hand, rubbing it against my hole and the cleft of my ass to make it easier for him to slide inside of me, his dick still wet from my mouth, glistening with my spit. I looked down at him, a dark grin spreading across my face.
"You're gonna fuck me...you're gonna fuck me hard. I want you inside of me, want to feel you fuck me till I cum. I'm gonna sit on your cock..." My attempt at dirty talk, not so good, but it seemed to get him excited, him smiling at the disgusting words escaping my lips. I meant every word. I was hard just thinking about pushing his cock deep inside my ass, the thought of that first moment when his dick touches the outside of my hole ready to penetrate my insides.
I positioned my asshole over his cock, using my hand to aim the head straight at my hole. I lowered myself onto him, his dick meeting the soft pucker of my asshole, the heat of him rubbing against my outside. With one long movement, I sighed, sliding down the length of him, pushing out my asshole to allow him to enter me completely. He shuddered beneath me at the feeling of the tightness of my insides. I squeezed my ass muscles making it a tighter fit, making him cry out for a moment.
I slowly lifted up off of him, letting his dick slide partially out of me, and then I pushed down again, letting my ass hit against his groin, shoving his dick deeper inside of me. I started to rotate my hips as I pulled up off of him, his dick moving beneath me, in and out of my hole. I picked up some speed, bouncing up and down on his cock, watching him beneath me as I forced his dick in and out of my body. His hands grabbed at my waist helping me move above him, giving him a measure of control. He lifted me from off his hips, his dick sliding almost completely out of me, then he pulled me down against him as hard as he could as he pushed his hips up to meet my ass, his cock deep inside of me. I rubbed my fingers through his hairy chest, squeezing his nipples between my fingers forcing him to fuck me harder. He became frenzied, my ass becoming sore from his hips slamming against me. His hands pressed into my sides, moved to cup my butt as he fucked me, as he moved in and out of me with such force, my mind racing with pleasure. The feeling of him, all of him pushing inside me was too much to handle.
"Oh my god," I shouted, riding him, "You feel so good, Ryan...oh fuck, you feel so good. Harder. Fuck me harder...please...oh god..."
I felt his dick shudder inside me, the beginnings of an inevitable orgasm. I could feel him so deep inside me, penetrating my guts, pushing past my tightness and hitting that spot that made a pressure begin to build deep inside my body. I threw my head back as I fucked myself on his dick, as I skewered my body on the hardness of him. Clenching my butt-cheeks, I forced his dick to fight to enter me, making him gasp and moan below me.
"Fuck, that feels so fucking good...oh fuck, oh god...I'm gonna cum" he shouted loudly, making me glad my roommates weren't home.
I continued, sliding up and down his dick, feeling the rawness of him move in and out of me, waiting for the moment when his thick seed would splash against the walls of my insides. The sound of my ass slapping against his body as he fucked me, as I used his dick, made me even harder. I jerked my dick enjoying the feeling of that pressure building just behind my navel, a well of energy ready to be released.
Without warning, I felt him tense below me, as he screamed and came inside me, his head coming up off the bed in ecstasy. I could feel the his cock swell, pulse with his orgasm as he shoved his dick deep, his seed exploding inside me. But I wasn't finished yet. I kept going, guiding his dick in and out of me to hit that one spot, to hit at that building pressure, letting his cum dribble out of my asshole. I pushed myself onto him harder and harder forcing as much of him inside of me as possible, feeling him still hard. As the pressure became too much to handle, I jerked my dick faster crying out above him, shooting my cum in long jets across his chest and stomach. I felt my body clench, my ass tighten making his limp dick slide out of me. And I continued to cum, my dick pushing out gobs of white fluid to fall on my brother's hairy chest.
I collapsed beside him, his dick already soft, exhausted. He leaned towards me, rolling onto his side, and kissed me, a tired exchange of lips.
"Whatever happens...we're brothers...and I will always love you..."
I smiled at him, too tired to speak. The awkward silence that started this conversation was no longer an issue, but a gift. There was no need for words, just afterglow. I just let him hold me, let him mold himself against my back as I turned over. He fit perfectly behind me, the long line of his body moving against mine, our bodies connecting, as if they were always meant to. It felt right. It felt good.
And he's right. We are brothers, and nothing, not even sex, changes that. It changes a lot of things, but nothing can break that bond. I laid there, the feel of his naked body covering mine, and I let myself believe that things would work out. As long as I had him, as long as we worked through this together, everything would be fine. And with that, I drifted off to sleep with no other thought but him.
Ryan left sometime in the early morning saying he had work in a few hours. I was too tired, drowsy from the amazing sex to even care. I needed sleep. After our crazy christmas vacation, and then the revelations of the car ride back, I was due for some sleep. I kissed him goodbye. I wanted to savor the taste of him on my lips.
Oh my god, I sound ridiculous.
But I can't help it, there's all these new feelings, new sensations, nothing like anything I've ever felt before. I mean, I've had boyfriends before. Not many, but a couple, mostly long term. I actually had just broken up with someone I had been dating since freshman year of college: Tyler. I thought about him now and the way I had felt about him. We'd ended things pretty suddenly. I guess it was mostly mutual. I wasn't getting what I needed from him...clearly.
But this thing with Ryan. This thing with my brother. I don't know if I can give an explanation that would do it justice, but...I could feel him underneath my skin. He was in my blood. He is my blood. We have this strange connection being brothers, and knowing him intimately only makes that bond more intense, more exciting, more dangerous. When I am with him now, I feel like I'm on fire, my skin burning with the heat I feel for him, permanent goosebumps covering my body.
The only thing is is that Ryan isn't my boyfriend. He's not. I don't think he ever could be, which makes things even more confusing. What if I never find that someone that makes me feel eternal goosebumps, that can get under my skin? Tyler didn't have it, no other guy before him had it. What's to say anyone else will ever have that effect on me? But I need to feel that way, I want to feel that way. It's like a drug, and I was already addicted.
Thoughts swirled around my head and questions became more questions, but there were no answers, no way to make any of this any easier.
So I went back to sleep to save them for another day. I am an expert at procrastination.
The next week was a whirlwind of activity what with the new semester starting. We had already gone through the two or so weeks of our winter vacation, and new classes started at the beginning of the week. I had thousands of things to do and not enough brain capacity to get them all done.
It had been more than 8 days since I had seen Ryan last. I hadn't seen him since we last had sex and he had left early in the morning for work. I haven't had a chance to call him, not that I haven't wanted to. I've been aching to call him, but I figured we both need a little space. I know I go on and on about not being able to be away from him, and that when he's near me I can feel electricity running along my arms, and blah blah blah, but the time away from each other was letting me get my head clear. It was like a mini rehab...kind of.
Ok...fine...I was going out of my mind not calling him. I swear I picked up the phone a hundred times, but I just couldn't bring myself to punch in his number, to talk to him. Things had gotten intense, and fast. Some breathing room would be a nice change of pace, at least for a day or so more.
However, I didn't really have a choice when I got a call from him that same week.
"Hello?" I asked tentatively. Obviously, I knew it was him, but I needed to play it cool, needed to play it completely not crazy...fuck.
"Hey, it's me..."
"I know," I replied to echoes of silence. What a productive phone conversation, we were really getting places, really making some progress. "Is there something you needed?" I tried to sound put off by him calling me, even though that's exactly what I wanted. Unfortunately, I sounded hopeful, and dare I say, desperate, too.
"Well, no...yeah...I wanted to see how you're doing. School starts soon again, right?" So he was checking up on me.
"Yeah, I've been really busy buying books and making sure I have the right classes scheduled...it's crazy...but you didn't really call to hear about school...so what's really up?" Clear and to the point. See, I could be down to business.
"Nothing's up. I just miss you." He missed me? I melted a little.
"I haven't seen you in a while. So I was thinking that maybe we could go out to dinner this weekend...Friday, my treat. Kind of a going back to school dinner." He was so nervous. I could just hear it in his voice. I smiled to myself because I loved to fuck with him when he got nervous. He does deserve it since he spent most of his childhood doing exactly the same thing to me.
"You mean that you want to take me out on a date," I teased. I couldn't help myself. I mean, obviously, the idea was absurd, but he'd probably think I was being serious.
"Come on Matt...you know that's not what I...look...I just thought it would be nice to see you, have dinner, talk...we need to talk." He wasn't in a teasing mood, clearly. "So? Friday night? That Italian place near the school?"
It sure felt like he was asking me out on a date. But I couldn't...I could tell this was really hard for him, that he'd needed to talk himself into calling me and asking me out to dinner. I couldn't make this even harder for him. I couldn't be that person...not to him.
"Ok...sure...I'd really like that." See, I can be nice.
"Great, then...I'll see you...Friday." I couldn't tell if I heard excitement or relief in his voice. He hung up before I could make up my mind. I decided to just go to dinner and see what happened. What could possibly go wrong, surrounded by a handful of complete strangers, out on what was still feeling like a date, with my brother. How did my life get so screwed up? Then again, I kind of like it this way.
The big night came, and I was starting to get nervous as I approached the entrance to the italian bistro on main street. I had to walk down a couple blocks and then back to the restaurant before I could go in. Courage was definitely lacking tonight.
I had spent hours worrying over my outfit and hair, like a pre-teen girl going to her junior high formal. Pathetic. Thankfully, I got the right combination of clothing to appear casual yet hot, looking like it was just another night out on the town, no big deal.
I had to push myself through the doors. I am such a chicken. I had been playing out scenarios in my head all evening imagining what he would say, what I would say in return, creating this entirely fake and increasingly ridiculous fantasy in my mind. By the end, I had him wearing a tuxedo and there was snow falling around us as we danced in the middle of an italian restaurant. I say again, pathetic.
But this was real life, not some made up fairy tale land where all my dreams come true. So, I sucked it up, and decided to take the plunge. How bad could it really be?
As soon as I entered, the bubbly blonde at the host stand welcomed me and asked how many would be joining me. I wasn't sure if he was here yet, so I ignored her for a second to scan the room.
There in the back corner, I saw him stand and wave his hand, beckoning me over to him. I politely excused myself, I had someone I was meeting.
I walked towards the table, stupid, goofy smile on my face wanting to just run and hug him, embrace him, wrap my arms around him. Who was I kidding? I missed him every second these past 8 days. It was too long to be away from him, especially after everything that happened. And not to mention, I was way overdue for a mind-blowing night of sex.
I got to the table and stopped dead in my tracks...
There was somebody else already at the table. He was already sitting with someone. They had already ordered drinks. What had started out as a first date in my head quickly spiraled into a third wheel scenario, and no make-believe had prepared me for that possibility.
Ryan could see my confusion plainly written across my face. Fuck, you could see it from space.
"Matt...hey...I want you to meet someone...I want you to meet Christine...my girlfriend," he blurted as fast as he could. I looked at him in complete shock. Short of having my mouth hang to the ground and my eyeballs coming out of their sockets, my face was picture of complete and utter shock. I couldn't think. Nothing was working up there. I couldn't speak. My mouth was dry and my tongue lay dead. My vision blurred slightly. I wasn't sure if I was about to faint or if those were tears about to fall.
All I could do was look at him trying to breathe.
"Do you want to sit down?" he asked me quietly.
I nodded, slowly trying to compose myself, sitting down before I fell down. It was then that I truly got a look at her. She was...pretty, cute, smiling, obviously excited to meet me. I tried to smile back, tried to fake it, fake any emotion because I was feeling nothing at the moment.
"Hi, Matt. Your brother's told me quite a lot about you. He was really excited for me to meet you. I just...I love your hair, do you use product?"
I laughed. God help me, I couldn't control myself. I laughed in that crazy, no one's home kind of way unable to quell the giggling escaping from my mouth.
She was asking me about my hair...is this real right now? Is this really happening? Or did I take some kind of hallucinatory drug I can't remember taking? Questions flooded my mind while she continued talking at me, prattling on about god knows what, or who the fuck cares.
I felt like the world was fast forwarding while I was on pause. The air got heavy making it hard to breathe. I leaned my head against my hand, closing my eyes, so the room would stop spinning. The world was coming undone slowly around me, tearing at the edges, the seems of reality separating. Everything began to fall away as the void, the tear in the world became bigger, wider eventually swallowing me whole, until I finally came to.
I cut her off mid-sentence. She hadn't shut-up since introducing herself. I couldn't fight the look of disgust creeping across my face. I stood up abruptly muttering, "I have to...uh...go. I just remembered...I have...this...school starts in a few days...and...uh...I forgot this...thing...that I need....so...sorry..." Did any of that make sense?
I struggled towards the door, my brother calling after me, begging me to come back and sit down and have a nice fucking meal and pretend to be alright with this ambush, with his fucking puppet show. I seethed with rage, finally feeling an actual emotion rather than being in some kind of hate induced coma.
I got out the door, feeling like I would die if I didn't push open those wooden doors and escape this fucking nightmare. I couldn't even walk in a straight line, my vision blurred with anger.
Ryan came out of the restaurant in a hurry to catch up with me. He approached me slowly so as not to scare me off, trying not to send me running. I didn't trust myself to walk because the shock had resurfaced, and I couldn't exactly think straight.
"Look...Matt, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for you to meet her like this...she just found out that I was meeting you here and she wanted to come...I did not want to throw all of this on you like...like this..."
The sound of his voice made me look up, terror rooting me to the spot. I was surprised at what I saw, unable to comprehend what was in his face. He was genuinely distressed. He was sad. He was sorry, really sorry. He knew he was hurting me, knew he was tearing me up inside. You could see it on his face that he was wracked with guilt, burned with the knowledge that he had fucked me over, that he had hurt me so deeply.
I broke down. The look in his eyes was too much. How dare he. How fucking dare he. I let myself cry, let myself let go. I didn't understand why he would do this to me, uncomprehending how he could be so cruel. I was completely baffled at how he could have the nerve to intentionally hurt me and then feel hurt himself, feel torn up inside. I continued to cry, my thoughts unable to settle on any one specific thing. I just cried.
He reached out, touched my face, wanting to make everything, all of this go away. But I wouldn't let him. He'd created this situation, now he was going to have to stand up like a man and deal with me. I smacked his hand away from my face, followed by my other hand that wheeled around and slapped him right across the cheek, making his head rock with the force of my palm. I stared in horror and in satisfaction as tears silently rolled down my cheeks.
He was surprised, holding his hand to the imprint I'd left, a redness growing on his cheek.
It was all I could get out, all my body would let me say. I think he got the picture. He looked down in what I could only guess was shame. He definitely got the picture.
I walked away, my feet finally securely underneath me. I rushed away from him, away from the restaurant, away from Christine, away from everything. I tried to leave everything that I had been feeling about him behind too, all the things I had been feeling for him since christmas break. I tried to let him go.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself get so wrapped up in my own internal shit that I didn't realize how much of a mistake this whole thing was? How could I have fallen for my brother? This kind of thing only happens in twisted french movies. I found myself replaying every single moment we had been together over the past few weeks, looking for any indication that he was going to...I couldn't even bring myself to say it. Of course, there wasn't anything. I could only see the smile on his face as he kissed me, the gasp of breath as he felt himself inside of me.
I hated him for giving me those moments. I hated him for making me feel...joy. I hated him for everything I could possibly think of, even blaming him for things that couldn't possibly be his fault. I was irrational and enraged, hurt and devastated, tired and alone.
I stopped, unsure of where I was anymore, having walked a considerable distance. I sat on a bench near by and just stared at the ground, willing my brain to stop working, to stop replaying images of Ryan and me together. I was fresh out of tears. All I could do was just sit and stare.
After the panic had subsided and I began to finally come back to myself, I couldn't get one thought out of my head, couldn't stop thinking about one little detail that made all my hate and anger and hurt feelings and shock and disgust mean absolutely nothing: I still loved him. He's my brother, and I still love him.