From: D One Subject: Giving Thanks Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1998 04:26:17 GMT I just got back. The apartment seems different somehow..quieter, peaceful, calming and my "home". When I left to go home for Thanksgiving, it wasn't that way. It seemed like a pitstop, a place where I hid, a hedonistic hideaway and a haven for my secret life. - It was there I had sex with my first guy when I was a freshman and later moved in with him and his roommate. They moved on and I kept the place. They both were gay and seemed to be as horny as I was....I had sex with both of them....and often at the same time. Others too were my partners....there were drug invested orgies...and all night parties with men / boys doing just about everything I had heard of or see in porno magazines. My dorm room roommate introduced me to Frank. They apparently had been doing it and Frank seemed to know I was gay..even though sex with men was only a fantasy at the time. His kiss one cold night told me my virginity was about to end..and indeed it did that night..orally and anally. - That was sometimes ago. After a summer and fall here, I knew it was THAT time. I had to tell my father I was gay. I decided to do it at Thanksgiving rather then Christmas. That way, if he kicked me out, I'd be at home in Boston..in my own place for the holidays..hopfully not alone. I know that's selfish of me, but I try to think things out....often too much. - Dad and Mom divorced many years ago...they never told me the reason. And I bounced between her place and his during high school until she got married. Her new husband didn't like me, so I preferred to live with Dad..which was cool. He always seemed to want me around. I didn't know if he'd think that way when I told him I was queer though. He was always talking about macho stuff, got me to work out, swim daily, try out for sports and yet, never got angry when I wasn't too good at them. My work in high school theater and the choir seemed to be as important to him as it was to me. He was always there...almost always. And would shake my hand afterwards then dutifully disappear knowing I wanted to hang out with my friends. But in the privacy of his house, he'd hug me and sometimes kiss me too. He said that a fathers love was worth displaying. On graduation day, he cried..he hugged me and kissed me in front of my peers..and I didn't mind ... not at all. I loved him.....and that too was a reason I was scared to tell him. But something deep inside me told me that if I were going to accept my lifestyle, I had to tell him. I guess I needed his approval..or at least to tell me it was ok. I'm not dumb, being gay in this world isn't easy..so why make it harder. OK, those weren't my words..but Frank's. It was the last long conversation we had before he joined the Navy after graduating from College. He gave me much advice, lots of sexual experience and this apartment that I now call my home. During the past two years, I kept remembering experiences I had during high school that hinted I was gay..even then...boys I saw which got me hard, athletic demonstrations that made my gut ache, fellow swim team members that played grab ass with me in the pool, the secret times jacking off thinking of my Minister naked. Yes, my minister. He was always getting the kids in the youth group to form teams in everything from volelyball to water polo..and we won...sometimes. He looked like every minister I guess..but in his shorts and tank top, muscles you never knew he had were seen..so yep, I jacked off thinking of touching him....everywhere. It was in church camp that I felt my first cock..meaning someone else's cock. I came back from the john and saw my bunk mate fiddling with himself. I sat on the edge of his bed before jumping up to the upper bunk. He stopped.and I reached to feel him. He pushed me away at first but I didnt move away. Then he took my hand and put it under the covers..I felt him hard..his balls...and played with him while I jacked my cock. "Bobby and Davie, sitting in a tree...." it was embarassing but the other guys knew what we did...or at least one did. I punched him so hard, I was sent home. Dad never knew why...nor did the Minister. But the kid never mentioned what David and I did that night...at least not so I knew about it. The walk from the bus terminal was a long one. It was rainy and chilly..perfect weather for a pending disaster. I decided to walk rather then call Dad to pick me up. "We can have Thanksgiving by ourselves this year" he told me on the phone which meant we didn't have to go to Mom's. I guessed that meant she and her new husband didn't want us..and that was ok with me. I stopped in a bar and drank for hours. Bud the bartender had known me since I was a little kid. He didn't ask me for my id....which was ok since I wasn't 21 yet. His warning "closing time kid" got me out on the wet streets again. The apartment building loomed down the block. Lights were off so that meant Dad was in bed. I once sat on the edge of his bed watching him sleep. I guess I was seventeen then and starting to worry about where I'd be after graduation. He snored lightly and occasionaly stirred but settled back again. There was an aroma about him that I remembered from my youth. I inhaled it deeply and stroked my erection through my underwear. I lay my hands on his shoulder....he never wore anything in bed..so I was touching his skin. It excited me....but something more. I sighed and went to bed that night.....continuing my worries about my future. Dad never knew I was there the night before or that I kissed him on the cheek before I left his bedroom. I quietly opened the door with my key and put my bag on the floor in what used to be my bedroom. Dad still kept it as my bedroom, though he put a desk there too. He asked me if it were ok....I agreed of course..it was his house, I said. "But it's your room" he said telling me something more. I heard im snoring. His bedroom door was opened. I peeked inside as I went to the bathroom, shucking my clothes as I went. I sighed as my body released my bladder full of processed beer. I shook my dick....and stroked it awhile. I would probably jack off and go to sleep. And maybe the next day I'd tell him the news. I was still naked as I turned the light off and stood outside the darkness of his room. Inside there was a glimmer of moonlight across him. His barechest moved with each sleeping breath. His covers were low enough that I could see the top of his bare hips as well. Moving inside, I stepped on his discarded underwear and then sat on the edge of the bed. Quite allot had changed since I sat there two years ago. I was no longer afraid of the future....though I was more curious then ever. I had begun to grow into a man..and knew that sooner or later, I hoped to introduce to Dad my life partner. But that would happen as long as he accepted me as I was..a gay...queer...homo....I kissed his cheek as I had done before and ignored the knot in my stomach. When I was very little, I had crawled into his bed when the storm raged, when Mom yelled at me, when schoolwork seemed frightening or when I felt alone. I moved under the covers and moved against him..feeling his naked body pressed against mine. I held my breath as he moved..then breathed deeply and quickly as his large hairy arms surrounded me and brought me close. Perhaps he was dreaming of my Mother or some other bedmate. I didnt' know and didn't care...I was falling into his grasp....feeling safer and yet even more scared. His lips kissed my neck "hi buddy" his whispered voice greeted me. His fingers pinched a nipple and it felt good. "I have to tell you something" I sighed "Tommorrow....just relax" he patted my bare butt. I turned towards him and touched his chest...feeling its hair..his flat stomach...his meaty cock..and kissed him everywhere I could. There was something immoral I knew , but I was being led by a hunger that I thought I understood..but realized I didn't understand it at all. His hands lay on me gently as I sucked his cock....and turned over pushing my butt against him, asking as I had been taught to ask. And he complied.....making me beg him loudly. When we finished...he held me close, stroking my hair, shoulder, back and I slept.....deeper then I had for days or weeks. And I dont' remember dreaming. "OK let's talk" he said the next morning as we lay in bed. He had returned form the bathroom and didn't hide his nudity as he got back in bed. That was a change...when I lived there, he would always be modest around me..and look away if my own nudity were in evidence. But things had changed...overnight. I told him everything..and he listened. "As long as you're happy" he said and squeezed me. "What about???" I didn't finish the question. "It's ok, son. It happened...and I can't say I wish it hadn't. We'll probably not do it again, but never regret it....you expressed your need and love and so did I. That's a good thing..and when you find the right guy, you'll do it for that reason again....lucky guy whoever he will be". Dad kissed me on the forehead the way he used to when I was a little boy. He talked to me while I showered about school, life, Mom and even sex. We cooked Thanksgiving dinner, and I called some friends to join us. There were eight altogether...high school firends of mine, friends of Dad's, and the couple next door. It was a normal Thanksgiving. And it was over too soon. I hugged Dad goodbye as I got back on the bus to return to my apartment. It was my home....the place where I had already begun my life. I called Dad when I got home..a strange voice answered the phone. It was one of Dad's friends I had met at Thanksgiving. I fantasized of course...but was tired and stripped to go to bed..alone..thinking of big hairy arms surrounding and holding me tight. And I sighed "goodnight" though nobody was there.