Date: Mon, 11 Nov 2002 06:10:15 -0800 From: JS Collection Subject: like a promised sunrise 3 THIS STORY IS TOTALLY FICTITIOUS. IT CONTAINS DESCRIPTIVE SEX BETWEEN TWO MEN. IF THIS IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU DON'T READ IT. IF IT IS ILLEGAL FOR YOU TO BE READING IT, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE TO BEGIN WITH SO JUST GO ELSEWHERE. OTHERWISE, ENJOY IT. JWS P.S. MOST OF MY WRITING HAS SOME SEX IN IT. IT IS SELDOM IN THE BEGINNING AND IS USUALLY AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE STORY. SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR JACKOFF MATERIAL YOU ARE PROBABLY WASTING YOUR TIME READING ME. JWS Like a Promised Sunrise (Part 3) by J.W.SMITH It was decided that I would drop Judd off on campus and I would go shopping in several of my favorite stores it that area, including groceries from Gelson's. Three hours later I pulled into the lot where I had left him. He was sitting on the lawn talking to a beautiful young woman with short curly raven- black hair. I looked her over as I got out of the Jeep and walked toward them. She was slender as a young boy. No noticeable breasts. She was dressed in jeans and a short blouse that left her midriff bare. Her skin was pale ivory. Her face was pixyish, straight little nose, a rose bud mouth and huge brown eyes. She could have passed as a fourteen year old boy. She looked up at me as I approached. "This man walking toward us has to be your uncle. He looks just like you." I heard her say. Judd twisted around and smiled. "That's him" He stood and offered her a hand and pulled her to her feet. She was a tiny little thing. Maybe five feet tall at the most. "Jace, this is Annie. Annie, my Uncle Jace." "Hi Uncle Jace." She said, grinning impishly. I bowed to her. "Miz Annie, I am honored to make your acquaintance." I said with a John Wayne drawl. She giggled. "She taking some of the same courses I am. She is planning on writing, too." He said. I nodded. Annie studied us. Judd had moved to my side as he had made the introductions. "You guys make a way cool couple. I think that's so neat." She said. I think my mouth fell open. I was speechless. "Thanks Annie. I think you are cool, too." Judd said. "Look, I'll call you. I'm sure Jace has places to go." He grabbed my arm and steered me toward the car. I looked back and Annie waved at me. "What did she mean, Judd? What did you tell her, that she would make a comment like that?" I unlocked the Jeep and we got in. "We just talked, Jace. It's no big deal." "What's no big deal? Did you tell her?" I gulped. "That we're lovers? What?" "You're over reacting. We just hit it off right away. She told me she's having difficulties with her girl friend. And I told her that I want to be your lover. I do, Jace." I looked at him. The pleading sincerity in his expression wilted my anger. He could see that I was giving way. He continued. "I want you to take me in your arms and tell me you love me. I want you to fuck me, Jace. I want to feel you inside of me. I love you. If that upsets you I am sorry. I can't help how I feel." I was overcome with the desire to do what ever would make him happy. If he wanted me to hold him, by God nothing would keep me from doing it. I reached over and pulled him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. "You make me fucking crazy, Judd. If you want my love you have it. I don't believe in love at first sight, but when I saw you walk off that plane something snapped inside me. I can't fight it. I love you, Judd. And I'm going to fuck you until you walk bowlegged. I'm going to ram my cock so far up your beautiful little ass that your tonsils will be tickled. And then you're going to do the same to me. Let's go home." I told him. He chuckled. I started the Jeep, backed out of the parking space and headed out to the street. Judd sat back and studied me. He had a self- satisfied smirk on his face. "What?" I asked. He shook his head and grinned. "You gave in way too easy. I was sure I was going to have to woo you at least a week." He said. Something in the way he said it hit me like a bucket of ice water. I pulled over and parked. I felt like the cycle of head-games that Ken used to play was starting again. "Are you playing games with me? I don't play games, Judd." "What are you talking about?" He asked. "This whole thing of 'Let's seduce Uncle Jace.' Was it just a ploy? 'Let's see how long it takes to get him into bed. He's a real sucker for my good looks. I bet it won't be hard to get into his pants.' Is that your fucking game, Judd? I let myself fall in love once and I'm still hurting from it. I'll be damned if you will hurt me, too, you chicken shit asshole. Go play your games on someone else." I crashed onto the steering wheel. I was bleeding inside. He laid a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. "I was only teasing, Jace. I didn't mean anything by it. God! Someone really messed you up bad. I wouldn't play games like that. Please believe me." He ran his hand up and down my back. I was beginning to feel foolish. I had badly overreacted. Damn Ken to Hell. It had been four years since he had walked out of my life; I was still letting him jerk me around, and I was still in pain. Goddam, I was still one-fucked-up- shit. "Jace, look at me, please." I raised my head and turned toward him. God, he is beautiful. I wanted to reach over and take him back in my arms. But the fear inside me bound my hands. He had tears rolling down his face. The cynic in me rose to the surface. Was he a really good actor or was he was sincere? Or maybe both? Ken had really destroyed my trust in love and lovers. I didn't know if I could allow that trust to be rebuilt. Could I stop being the cynic? I knew that my cynicism could destroy any chance I had with Judd. But---- "Jace," He broke into my racing thoughts. "I'll never play games with your emotions. I love you, man. I could never intentionally hurt you. I've never submitted to any man. I've never wanted to. But I want to for you. Only you, Jace." His eyes never wavered from mine. I believed him. I raised a hand to his face and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry. It's just that the one and only time I let myself love, he destroyed my trust with his head games." He laid his head into my hand. It reminded me of the loving trust my cats have for me. No matter how loudly I yell at them, they immediately come back offering me love. My heart felt like it might burst. I was scared shitless. I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to run away as fast as my legs could carry me. I wanted ---. God, how I wanted what he was saying to be true. "Judd, I buried the hurt and ignored it. Your coming into my life has made it all resurface. I've got to deal with it. I want to love you. I don't know if I can, like you deserve. I want to try, but I'm scare shitless." "Let's go home. We need to do a lot of talking." He said. I started the jeep and headed back toward downtown. It was one of the longest drives of my life. We were both wrapped up in our own thoughts, as I drove out of Brentwood, back through Beverly Hills and Hollywood into Los Angeles. When we got home, I went in and made a pot of coffee. I offered Judd a mug. He took it and wandered over to the living room window. He leaned against the sill and gazed out over the city. I mixed my sludge and sat down in a club chair. I laid my head back and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts were fragmented. Judd would occasionally glance at me and then turn back to the view. God, the mental anguish. When Ken had announced he was moving to New York, I had closed down my emotions to keep the pain away and until now I had not dared to open them back up. I had built my whole life around that relationship. I had thought we would grow old together. I thought I knew Ken as I knew myself, but I had been deceived. Maybe I had deceived myself, made myself believe things that weren't true. I don't know. But now, four years later, it was still festering and I was still in pain from it all. I had to cauterize the wound and let it heal if I was going to have any kind of trusting relationship with Judd. These were thoughts I should be expressing out loud to Judd. I couldn't; they'd been cocooned too long. I raised my head and looked at him. He was all that one could possibly want in a man, in a lover. And I was so afraid I would get hurt again, and that I might hurt him. "Why would you pick a fucked up shit like me to love?" My voice was gravelly. "You could have you pick of the world. Why me?" He didn't move. He continued to gaze out the window. I was beginning to wonder if he had heard me or was ignoring me. Finally he spoke. He stared out the window. "I think we may have a choice in who we don't love, but none in who we do love. Being you're my uncle I would never choose to love you like I do. Like the bumper sticker says, 'Shit Happens.' I just have to deal with it. You may be a fucked up shit, but I love you. I don't think I have any choice in the matter. I am just going to have to deal with it, and you." He paused continuing to look out the window. "I've never gone through an experience like this before." He paused in thought. "I've never wanted anything so much, as I want you to love me. If you can't--- Well, I guess I'm man enough to deal with it and move on. Right now, I can't imagine ever feeling this way about another human being." He took a sip of coffee, set the mug on the table next to him and walked across the room to the bathroom. He didn't look my direction. I heard the water running in the sink. I pushed myself up out of the chair and walk toward the bath. Judd came out with his hair wet around the edges of his face. I stopped, and he walked up to me. I know I must have looked like death warmed over, I damned well felt that way. The skin that comes with being a towhead shows every emotion. I knew I was washed out, I know I was deathly white with red-rimmed eyes, that's how we Deasons are when we are emotionally stressed. He wrapped his arms around me and gently held me for a moment and then stepped back to wipe my face with a cool wet cloth. "Before I can start walking bow legged we're going to have to deal with your demon. You want to tell me about him?" He asked. I nodded. "Come on, lets get comfortable." He tossed the cloth towards the bathroom door. He led me over to the sofa. I was feeling like he was the adult and I was the kid. I guess in my condition that was where I needed to be. He pushed me down on one end, moved to the other and settled in, facing me. "What was his name?" He prompted. "Ken Walker. I met him soon after I came out here, at UCLA. He was a senior. I think he was twenty-four at the time. I was barely twenty. He was from West Hollywood and I was just a naïve country boy from Pecos, Texas. We seemed to click from the moment we met. Within two months we were living together. "After he graduated, he went to work for an advertising agency. Things begin to change between us. I was in school most of the time. And he worked. When I graduated, I immediately got a writing job on a sitcom. I was working sixteen hours a day, six days a week. We didn't see much of each other. One night I came home and he informed me that he was moving to New York. I told him I was sure I could transfer, too. He said to not bother. He had met aman from there he would be moving in with. That was the end of five years of my life." Judd looked at me. I couldn't read the expression. It was like his face had closed down. The lights had been turned off. There was no one home. I wondered if he was seeing me. "End of story." He said. His voice was flat, emotionless. He grimaced as he got up and walked back to the edge of the window. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets. I could feel the anger building in him. I knew why. Hell, I had just handed him a bag full of bones. I was feeling guilty for having done it. I had told him earlier that I don't play games and that exactly what I was doing. He wasn't having any part of it. It's just so hard for me to share my emotions. But I had to try. "I worshiped the ground Ken walked on. For the first two years of our life together, I thought he felt the same. I think that he was really trying to make our relationship work. Now I'm not sure he was capable of really loving anyone completely. Being gay at a young age in West Hollywood, he must have become jaded with sex very early. "I was not enough to satisfy him. I tried to be. But by the third year I realized I couldn't be that new face, that new cock, that hot new body in his bed. He began to pay mind games. He would build me up and then pull the entire floor out from under me. I was nothing more that a country hick that he could manipulate as he wanted. He did and I let him. He was bored with me. And that was more painful to realize than his finally leaving. "I wished that I had the balls to get up and leave him. But I didn't have much self-esteem. He had pretty much destroyed me emotionally. I had no ego, or pride left. I had allowed myself to be walked on so much, that when he left--- I didn't even get angry. I guess I had pretty much developed a slave mentality. I should have learned to hate him. I only resented that he used me and that I allowed it. He had me convinced that I was nothing without him. And when he left, I felt like nothing for a long time. I closed my being in a shell. I worked. I went home and slept and went back to work." Judd was now sitting on the edge of the sofa next to me, our knees touching. I realized he was holding my hand and studying me intently. I had no idea of when he had move from the window to the sofa. "Netta was the only one there for me. She kept working on me, building my self-image back up. I learned to take pride in myself and in my accomplishments. She kept working on me until I finally got up the courage to go on dates that she set up. The fellows were nice enough and all were very good looking. It was a flop. I couldn't respond. After the fifth one I didn't try it again. I closed my shell and no one got close to me. Netta finally gave up." Judd squeezed my hand. I stood and walked across the room. I couldn't look at him. "And then you came into my life. In two days you had shattered my shell. And I've let you. I've hidden from the pain for four years. I'm frightened. I want to trust you. I don't know if I can. I don't know how." It took an effort to force each sentence out of my mouth. I was shaking like I had been affected by ague. I had never done anything so difficult in my life. I wanted to hide in a nice warm dark place where nothing could hurt me, most of all where Judd couldn't get to me. I had given him the power to destroy me. I was completely vulnerable. I wondered if he knew it. I was quivering like a dog that had been beaten its whole life; my tail tucked between my legs. I was shaking so hard that I could barely stand .I was barely aware of his proximity, and I jumped like I had been hit with an electric current when he put a hand on the back of my neck and caressed down my back. He enfolded me in his arms. I was a wet rag, not a bone in my body. I collapsed back against him. He ran his hand up and down my chest, making soothing sounds. He lifted me and walked to the bed. I know I weigh at least fifty pounds more than he does; yet he carried me like I was a child. He sat me down and knelt in front of me and removed my shoes. He lifted my legs and turned me, forcing me to lie down. He quickly lay down beside me, pressing every part of his body against me. Still he hadn't said a word; he just made soothing sounds. I began to calm down. Only an occasional shudder wracked my body. I eventually drifted in to a narcotic-like sleep. When I awakened, I was naked under the covers. Judd was lying against me, as he had been when I fell asleep, except that he was on top of the covers, still clothed. The clock read 1:14. I had slept for almost nine hours. I lifted his arm and slid away from him, managing to rouse both cats as I rolled off the bed. I felt like I had been drugged. My mind was heavy with too much sleep. I peed and wandered into the kitchen. I turned on a light under the cabinet, checked and saw that the cats had been fed. I made a pot of coffee. While it was dripping, I wandered to the foot of the bed and studied Judd in the semi-darkness. He had rolled onto his back with his right arm flung above his head. The fingers of his other hand were hooked in the fly of his 501s. In sleep he looked so very, very young. His forelock hung over his face. There was a slight smile on his lips. I wondered if he was dreaming about me. Damn, he was just so beautiful it pained me to look at him. And there still more! 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