Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2007 05:28:53 -0800 From: freddie panda Subject: Long Way Home: Anxiety and Confusion If you're under legal age to be sniffing in this website, you can still read this chapter. Hahaha. Well you know all the mumbo jumbo, disclaimer stuff. If you're even already reading this, there's no point in telling you to go. So consider yourself warned! All copyrights are reserved to me; please do not use it for commercial purpose without my consent. Bla bla bla. You know the drill. Well just enjoy! Long Way Home Chapter 1: anxiety and confusion Hi my name is Steven; the beginning of this story took place when I was 16 years old. I was about to finish grade 10 at the time this story took place. To describe myself back then, I was about 5 feet 7 inches or so, I was lean but not skinny. I'm an average looking guy who's very social and people seem to like me (no I'm not the heartthrob of the school but I'm not the sad kid who doesn't have any friends too). I was still not sure about my sexuality when this all started. I mean I'm not a flamboyant guy or the really queery type but I am a crybaby. Other than that I guess I'm just an average kid. I have two best friends at school, Jake and Sam. It was really funny cause we each have a nickname, which match our personality and looks. Jake's about 5 foot 5 inches, kinda skinny (not undernourished skinny), but he's a real cutie for me. He's a very cheery person who likes to play pranks on anyone (boy cant tell how much trouble he's gotten us into). He's this one big ball of energy that can't even stop for 1 second; he gotta jump here and there all the time. And that's where he got his nickname, monkey boy. Sam at about 5 feet 9 inches, on the other hand, is the calm, gentle and level headed one of our group (but then again we're 16, how level headed can we be). He's like the big brother to Jake and me. At first Jake suggested we call him owl since he's calm and Zen and all that other shit, I didn't like it, said its lame, I wanted Sam to be bear. So we call him just that. Which comes down to me, see me being youngest one by a few months of our group, and am kinda spoiled cause I will not be happy until I get what I want. Plus a lot of my friends said I look like one, I was since then called panda (since we thought panda looks cute and spoiled. hehe I know.. doesn't make sense but that's how it was). Well let's get along with the story, so this is how it all started... It was my last week of school, I just finished all my final exams and I think I did pretty well if I may say so myself. We don't have any more class for this week; I don't even know why we're even here. Everybody else was busy with their things, goofing around with friends, talking and planning about their summer holiday. I was sitting at the back of the class looking glum, when Jake, one of my best friends came up and sat next to me. "Sup panda? Still confused about what to do?" I told Jake the other day that my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Canada to continue my studies. "Hey man, sup?" I replied unenthusiastically, "yeah I still can't make up my mind, I mean yeah it's an awesome opportunity for me to go to Canada but I would really miss my family and you guys." I gave a sad smile and punched his shoulder playfully as I said that. "Well I wish I can help you buddy.." he suddenly got serious which is unusual for him since he's a very cheery hyperactive person, "if you ask my opinion; as a selfish friend, I really don't want you to go.." I cut him in mid-sentence, "why is that? Do you have the hots for me? Is poor wittle Jakey gonna miss me if I go?" I asked him in my most taunting tone possible. He didn't laugh at my joke so I went silent, "HA HA.. Here I'm trying to be serious and you're making fun of me. Shut up and let me finish will ya.. It would be selfish of me to ask you to stay, cause u know this is a great opportunity for you to leave this dump. So there... that's what I think about it." I kept quiet thinking about what he said for a minute then I asked him, " but... seriously dude, would you miss me if I go away? One thing that's been really bugging me is I have this stupid thoughts that if I go, everyone's gonna forget about me. We'll just go our separate ways... and... erm... I don't want that..." I really couldn't contain myself. I just sat there trying to hold back my tears; trying to calm myself down cause hey what would everybody think. Jake just looked at me and he discreetly grabs a hold of my hand and he told me, "How can you even think that, dude.. After all we've been through together. You've helped me through my parents divorce; you've been there for me dude. Do you think I would just forget about you? Do you even have to ask that?" he suddenly got back to his cheery self and yelled for my other best friend Sam. Sam came to where we were sitting, "Sup you two? Makin out back here?" he laughs at his own joke. Then he looks at me and sees that I was almost crying, "Hey what's wrong panda? What did you do to him you monkey?" he looked at Jake accusingly. I kinda smiled when he said that, I really like being the baby of the group. We have fun together and stuff but I always get what I want. It's like I'm the little brother of those two. "Keep your voice down will you! Do you want everyone to know I'm back here crying my eyes off?" I whispered to them. Sam grabbed a chair nearby and sat in front of me and Jake, which is a good thing cause now no one can see me. "So which one of you gonna tell me what's going on?" so Jake answered him, "doofus here thinks we're gonna forget about him if he goes to Canada. I told him that would never happen, but see the big panda baby is still sad. Maybe you can do a better job." Sam just sat there saying nothing, he too suddenly looked serious and sad, "stupid panda... how long have we known each other? Me, you and monkey here. I've known you since grade 1; you're the first friend I have at school. Then monkey here move in on grade 2. Do you remember what we've been through together? We've gotten this far and we're still best friends, heck you two are like my brothers. Don't ever think, not even for a second that me or Jake will forget about u." the way he said it, it wasn't even a question, it was a statement. " Even if freak monkey boy here ever forgets about you, I will smack some sense into him." Sam laughs as he pulls Jake and gives him a noogie. "Now go wash your face before someone sees u cryin, u crybaby." Sam smiles at me and as he stands up, he rustles my hair and took off to the front of the class to talk to some of our other friends. I went to the washroom to wash my face and there I thought to myself, hey maybe this isn't going to be that bad. I mean hey they can still visit me and I can go back home from time to time. When I sat back down in my seat at the back of the classroom, Jake who you'd prolly guess by now is running around in the class talking to everyone, came running back to me, "Hey, u still up for going to the movies with us later tonight right?" he asked. "Oh yeah definitely, but we gotta go to a later movie cause I'll be having dinner with my family first." "Oohh what's your mom gonna cook? I love her cooking. Can I come over for dinner?" it was normal for him or Sam to be at my house or me at theirs. As I've told you we're really close. "Geez slow down you monkey, somebody forgot to take their pill this morning." I laughed, "Well yea just come down to my place. You know you're always welcome; you practically live there anyways. And would it bother you to stop teasing Evan? Every time you're at my place you two always fight like two crazy monkeys" oh yea, I forgot to mention, Evan is my younger brother, he's 10. "For your information we don't always fight, we also make fun of each other", he smiled, "You know I love the little tyke and he likes me too, that's just our way of having fun together." "Yeah like one monkey is not enough. Now there's two in my house." I said to Jake. The rest of the day at school was pretty much uneventful and about 5 minutes before the dismissal bell, Sam came up to me and Jake, "so who's gonna drive today? I can pick you guys up if you want." "Oh yea bear, Jake's gonna come have dinner at my place before we go, you wanna come too?" "Nah not today, mom's cooking my favourite foods at home since I've been doing so well this year. And man, we shoulda call you leech, I think you spend more time at panda's place then at your own home." Joked Sam, "ok so do you want me to pick you guys at panda's place then?" "We'll pick you up bear, your house is closer to the theaters anyways. Besides, I wanna see Jake's new ride." See Jake's dad idea of showing his love to his son is by sending him gifts on every occasion. "Oh right, I wanna see it too. Well call me before u guys come pick me up ok? So I'll see you guys later." Sam walked to where he parked his car while me and Jake went to where I parked mine. "Are you coming straight to my place or you going back home first?" "Well you gotta take me home now so I can get the car then we can go to your place." He replied, "do I really need to drive tonight panda? You know I hate that car. Can't we just take your car?" "No one said you have to drive it, I can drive it. Hey I can even keep it." I said as I tried to make him laugh. "Hey you can keep it for all I care. Oh by the way, I'm sleeping over at your place today. That cool?" Jake asked me. "Dude just move all your stuff to my house, my mom and dad are practically thinking of you as one of their sons", I thought for a second then added, "and hey you can keep Evan company while I'm gone" "Lets forget about that for now dude, you're still gonna be here for a month right? Lets just have as much fun as we can while you're still here. And it's not like you're leaving for good." As we got in the car he added, " I promise you, we'll try to visit you on holidays. I'll ask for a vacation trip to Canada from my dad next time he's gonna send me a present. If he's gonna keep doing that, might as well use it to my advantage." He said it looking kinda pissed. "Sweet, way to stick it to the man. So lets go get your car then." We drive to his house, which is like 15 minutes from school by car. As soon as we arrived at his place, one of his maids came out and let us in. I've been to his place countless times but it still amazes me to this day. It isn't huge or anything but his mom, being a home designer, made the place look amazing. I'm not going into much detail but lets just say, his house makes you feel like you're in Japan. It even has a koi pond and a sand garden at the front yard. So anyway, we got in and he go straight to his room to get some stuff, I don't feel like going up today so I sat down in the living room. Then I saw his mom coming into the living room. "Hi Mrs. S, didn't know you're at home today or I woulda go say hi to you." I said as I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Hey Steve, how are you today? Good day at school? I heard from Jake you're doing really great at school." She sat down at one of the sofa. "I'm doing ok I guess. Oh did he tell you that I might be leaving for Canada soon? Well that is if I decided to go." "Oh is that so? Jake is going to be really upset when you leave; you know he talks about you a lot. He really looks up to you." I just smiled at what she said and thought; well here I am thinking that he's the best guy ever. Yeah I do well at school but he does better and also he's very active in school, everybody just adores him. To think that he looks up to me is kinda silly. I mean what's there in me to look up to? At that moment I saw Jake enter the living room, he saw his mother in there with me, "hey mom didn't know you're home. How was your day?" "Oh it was good sweetheart. I went to that auction I told you about and got some things. Are you having lunch at home today? I cooked some food for you earlier" she asked him. "Oh really? Awesome! Lets go eat. Oh yeah mom, I'm going to the movies with panda and bear today and then I'm staying over at panda's place." "That sounds like a lovely evening, well I'll be going on a trip for a few days too and I really need to pack now. It was nice seeing you again Steve and have fun tonight you guys." "Aren't you gonna have lunch with us mom?" Jake said sounding a little bit disappointed. "I already had lunch Jakey and I really need to pack. Ok honey? I love you." She kissed Jake's forehead and then walk to the door. "Love you too... mom" she was gone before he even finished saying it. It was really awkward for a second there; I can feel how sad Jake is. And don't get me wrong here, Jake has a really close relationship with his mom, but sometimes she just get caught up with all her stuff that she forgot about his feelings. "Race you to the kitchen. Last one in gotta wash the dishes." I tried to cheer him up and ran for the kitchen. I got there first and his maid already has the table set for us. "No fair, you didn't even say go. Like hell I'm gonna do the dishes. You're gonna do it for me, aren't you rosie?" He said to his maid as he sat down. "noone's touching the dishes but me. the last time you two were washing the dishes, you filled the kitchen with soap bubbles." Rosie said to us. We laughed remembering about that time. So we finished our lunch quickly and then left for my house. It was about 2 pm when we got to my house, so Evan must be home from school by now. After we both parked our cars, we got in the house to be greeted by Evan, he's practically the smaller version of Jake. He's hyperactive and he likes to sneak up on people and give them a scare. So as soon as he saw me and Jake, he started yelling. "MOM! PANDA'S HOME AND HE BROUGHT THE BAD MONKEY WITH HIM!" he laughs and playfully punches Jake. Jake caught his hand and started tickling him around, it got Evan laughing hysterically. Then Jake grabs him up and puts him on his shoulder, "I'm a bad monkey? You're a bad monkey!" then we went to the living room, Evan still on Jake's shoulder, to see mom. "Now you two cut it out. Noone's gonna be bad when I'm around. You know what I can do." Mom tried to give them the best angry look she can muster but then can't help but to smile when she saw how Evan and Jake were goofing around. "How was your day honey?" she asked me "It was slow and boring mom, the usual." I replied She laughs, "with this guy around you all day? I can hardly believe it's boring. You two didn't get into any troubles did you?" "Hey hey mrs. W I'm hurt that you would think we're troublemakers", Jake looked at her with his goofy I-am-hurt look and laughs, "we're not troublemakers, we're just different than the other rule-obeying-ass-kissing drones at school." He quickly added, "Oops, did I say ass? I mean behind." Mom just smiled and shook her head and told us to play nice and left for the kitchen. "So let's put your stuff in my room first and then we can go to the game room. I got this new game you're gonna love." I went for the stairs with Jake following behind. "I wanna go play too! Panda give me a piggyback ride!!" Evan jumped up and down in front of me. "Go ask jake to give you one!" I said to him. "No I want you to give me one! C'MON, pleassseeeee", he gave me the cutest puppy eyes you know you cant resist. "Okay okay, enough with the puppy eyes. Geez one more monkey in this house and I'd go insane", I said as I kneeled down so he can get on my back. "Whoa this monkey is turning into a hippo", I joked, "let's hope I don't drop you on the stairs, ok?" he grabbed tighter to my neck when I said that, it made me smile. As we got on the second floor, I said to him, "arriving at second floor. Panda's room, Evan's room and the game room. All passenger please get off", I was about to let him go when his face got closer to mine and he kissed my cheeks, "thanks for the ride Mr. escalator man". "Awww how sweet is that. Maybe I should move here to see if I can get one of those one of these days." Jake laughed at the sight. Evan then ran to my room. I just blush and laugh at what Jake said. We went to my room and there was Evan, jumping on my bed laughing his head off. It's nice to see how easy kids can have fun. So I told Jake to put his stuff away and I went to grab some clothes to change myself. After that we went to the game room and played this new fighting game I just got for my PS2. We take turns playing, whoever loses has to change place with the next person. Evan was really good at it and he kept winning, so me and Jake decided to bug him while he played. Whenever one of us is playing against Evan, the other would tickle him so he can't concentrate. We had a lot of laughs that afternoon. Time flies when you're having fun, before we know it, dad came sticking his head in the game room and told us to wash up cause it's almost dinner time. Again Evan asked me to give him a piggyback ride to his room, so I took him to his room and then went back to my room. Jake was already there, and he was talking on his cell phone, "So the last showing of the movie is at 10:00 pm. Oh here comes panda, let me ask him what he thinks." He covers the phone with his hand and ask me, "you wanna watch "dawn of the dead" right? The last show time is at 10. wanna go see that?" "Sounds good to me. Are you guys ok with it right?" Jake told Sam that we're going to that one and then they said goodbye. "Yeap, we're all set. We can leave at 8:30 so we can get good seats. Oh by the way, can you grab me a towel Panda?" he said as he was getting his clothes out of his backpack. I grabbed a new towel for him and gave it to him. "So you wanna go first or should I?" I asked him. See, me and Evan shared a bathroom, and we have a bathtub and a shower in it. What usually happen is me and Evan would take a shower at the same time, him in the tub and me in the shower. And when Jake's sleeping over he usually lets me take a shower first cause he's kinda shy to be naked around anyone. "I'll go first, you always take forever in the shower. I'll be real quick." Jake replied. So he started taking off his clothes and his pants, all this time I was looking at him and I got this strange feeling inside me. I can't take my eyes off his body. His chest was smooth and toned, his stomach was lean and I can see the v shape of his pelvis going down to that forbidden part of him. I can also see the beginning of his pubic hair too cause his undies were a bit pulled down when he took off his pants. There were some hairs under his armpit too, other than that and the tiny bit of pubic hair showing, he was smooth like a baby's bottom. He wasn't big and bulky like those body builders but there's also not a single ounce of fat showing on his body. He caught me looking at him and blushes, "looking hot their buddy", I joked and swatted his butt nervously. "Stop it you're embarrassing me" was all he could reply. He got a towel around his waist and went in the shower. I heard Evan's already in there playing with the water in the tub and then I heard the water from the shower running. I sat down on my bed, feeling really hot all over; I'm having a hard on just thinking about how hot Jake looks. I was confused, why am I feeling this way for him. To be honest with myself, I have got this feeling of longing for some time now. I don't know what I should do with these feelings. Should I tell Jake about it? Would he be angry at me if he found out? I can't risk losing him as a friend. I'm really afraid of losing him. So I decided to just keep it to myself for now. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder, I jerked and turned around. "Whoa, relax man, it's me. What are you so tense about?" and there Jake stood with a towel around his waist, his hair still wet and his body glistening from the shower he just took. He looked really HOT! I just sat there staring at him saying nothing. "Hey panda are you ok? What's up with you man? Snap out of it!" Jake said getting a little concerned at me. I blinked once, twice and found my voice, "oh it's nothing, was just thinking about something. Go get dressed man, can't keep mom waiting long." I smiled weakly at him when I said that. So I got in the shower and there was Evan still there playing with his robot toys in the tub, I feel like I need some privacy right now so I said to him, "Hey you, better get yourself out of the tub now before you turn into a prune." "Awww do I have to?" "Yes, now c'mon lets dry u up." I grabbed his towel, dried him up and then sent him to his room. After Evan went to his room, I turned on the shower and got a nice cold bath to cool my head off. I can't stop imagining Jake's body and I was really confused about it, but the cold shower really helped. After about 20 minutes I got out of the shower and dried myself off and got out of the bathroom, I was in my boxer. "Hey you're not lookin bad yourself too there", Jake said when he saw me. I blushed and told him to shut up. I was particularly self-conscious about my body that I dressed in speed record that night. "What's up with you tonight panda? You're all jumpy and stuff. You having your period or what?" Jake joked. "No I just don't want to keep mom and dad waiting. OK?" I replied to him kinda too snappy. "Whoaa, easy there tiger, u don't have to bite my head off." Jake said getting annoyed now. "Lets just go down", I tried to control myself. I really don't wanna fight with him. I checked Evan's room before going down and he was already gone. As we got down the stairs I said to Jake, "hey monk, sorry for snapping at you like that. I just got a lot on my mind". He looked at me smiling, put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me to him so my head was resting on his shoulder, "next time you snap at me like that, I'm gonna give you the worse noogie ever. But I still wanna know what's bothering you." "I'll tell you when I figure it out myself, deal?" I replied, I am really loving this extra attention that he always give me. I mean yes me, Jake and Sam are all close friends, but I feel like them two always give extra attention for me, maybe because I am the crybaby of the group. Oh what the heck, who cares right? I AM LOVING IT. So we got to the dining room and sat down. Mom, dad and Evan were already there waiting for us. We apologize for being late (mom is awesome but she's really strict about dinner). Soon we were eating and chatting about how our day was, and I told mom about our plan to go to the movies later tonight. As expected Evan started to whine that he wanted to come with us. "Can I go with you guys? Pleaseeeee" "No you can't, it's gonna be really late when it's over." Mom said to evan. "Then how come panda get to go? I wanna go too. C'mon please dad..." he kept whining about it. I cut in before mom answered him, "how about this, tomorrow I'll go with you to see any movie you want. If mom says yes that is" "I'll go with you guys too and I'll even buy you popcorns", Jake chirped in and squeezed Evan's nose playfully. "Yes how about that? You can go tomorrow with Steve and Jake. That way mommy and daddy can have some alone time too." she looks at dad and laughs coyly. "Eww mom, too much information there." "Ok, but you gotta keep your promise tomorrow ok?" Evan said looking at me then at Jake, "both of you." "Have I ever broken any promise I made to you?" I said to him. It was a fun, light dinner talk that we're having. Then mom got serious and asked me, "so have you decided whether you're going or not Steve?" "Where are we going? Are we going somewhere for the holiday?" Evan asked excitedly. "Mom can we talk about this later? I really don't wanna talk about it right now." I was getting annoyed with his mom cause they have decided earlier not to tell Evan yet about him leaving. "No, tell me where are we going? Mom? Dad?" Evan looked back and forth from mom to dad. "I think we should tell Evan now, son", dad said to me and then he looks back at Evan, "Evan, you brother is going away to study in Canada. He is leaving next month." "I haven't even made up my decision about it," I argued. "WHAT?! HE'S GOING AWAY? HOW LONG WILL HE BE GONE? I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO!" Evan screamed, "YOU CAN'T GO! I WON'T LET YOU GO! YOU'RE GOING BECAUSE YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU! I PROMISE I'LL BE GOOD! JUST PLEASE... PLEASE DON'T GO..." he's now in tears sobbing, suddenly he got up and ran out of the dining room and then I heard him slam his bedroom door. Dad looked at mom and said to her, "I think you should go up and talk to him, honey..." "No dad, I'll go talk to him. I know I should've told him earlier." I got up and was walking to the stairs when I saw Jake about to follow me, "monk, let me handle this, ok? Please?" I walked up to the second floor and knocked on Evan's bedroom door. "Hey, it's me. Can I come in Koda?" I said to Evan. see, Koda is the nickname I gave to Evan. incase you're wondering what Koda is, it's the small bear from Disney's movie "brother bear". We were watching it the other day and I jokingly said to him, "hey you're really nosy like that bear, so I'll call you Koda from now on." And you know what he likes it. "NO, I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU! GO AWAY!" I can hear him sobbing as he yelled at me and it breaks my heart. Then I sat down with my back resting on his door. I can still hear him sobbing and at that I just wanna get inside and hug him, but I know he's just gonna be angrier at me. So I sat there in silence for a minute, almost in tears myself. "ok, if you won't me in, then at least hear what I have to say." No replies from Evan, good at least he's listening, I thought. So I talked. "I really didn't plan any of this you know Koda. I was upset too when mom asked me about it. I really didn't wanna go. But mom and dad think it's for the best. If it's up to me, you know I wouldn't wanna go and leave you. Sure they say I can decide but you know them, when they first planned it, they know I'll be going no matter what I say." I paused and waited for him to say something. Still he kept quiet and all I can hear is his sobs. "And Koda, you KNOW I don't hate you. Yea, we fight sometimes and we argue a lot, but that's what brothers do. You know I love you, right?" I waited and still no reply from Evan. "You wanna hear a funny story? So when I was about 5 years old, I always feel lonely at home cause I have no one to play with. So one night, I asked mom and dad to get me a baby brother so I have someone to play with. They laughed and told me it's not up to them, it's up to God. So that night, I prayed to God, I remember what I said to Him, 'God, it's me Steven. Mom and dad said you can give me a baby brother. Can you send one for me? Cause it's really lonely here at home. If you send me a baby brother, I promise you I'll love him and care for him and play with him everyday. Oh and I'll promise I'll be good too.'" I chuckled when I remembered about it, "well you know what, a few weeks later mom and dad told me that my prayers have been answered. They're gonna have another baby. They told me it can be a boy or a girl, but I know for sure it's gonna be a boy. And I was right, cause now I have you." I felt myself sliding back and realized that the door was opening. I turned around and looked up to see Evan's face still sobbing but smiling, "Stupid panda, that's not a funny story." I got up and hugged him. He was still sobbing which caused me to tear up. "Calm down lil buddy. I'm here... I'm here..." I tried to calm him down. I got him back to his room, and then I lift him up and sat on his bed. All this time he kept clinging on to me. So I got further up in his bed and rest my back on the wall. I kept hugging him close to me while he's sobbing. "I'm not going anywhere, ok koda? I'm right here with you." I was slowly rocking him and his sobs quieted down slowly and his breath becomes calmer. The little bear fell asleep on my lap. He kept clinging to me tho and I really don't wanna let go too. Not long after that, Jake knocked softly on the door and then sticks his head in. "I called Sam and told him we're not going to the movies tonight. Is the tyke sleeping?" he whispered while walking to the bed. He sat beside me and rustles Evan's hair gently. "Yeah he is. And thanks for calling Sam, monk. I'm sorry you guys gotta cancel your plans tonight. You could've go on without me." "Nah, it's cool. We wouldn't be having fun too." Jake rustles Evan's hair one last time and got up, then he looks at me and smiled. He rustles my hair and punches my hand softly. "You're doing an awesome job. I'll see you in the morning ok?" He then left for my room. Leaving me and Evan alone for the night. _______________________________________________________________________________ Well that's it for now guys. Sorry if you're expecting hot sex right away, that will be on the next chapter... I think. =P well any comments please sent to freddie_thomas@hotmail.com P.S. I want to thank Tommy Evans (incase u don't know who he is, here's his story ---> /nifty/gay/young-friends/uriel-and-jon/ <---) for taking the time to read my story and give comments about it before I sent it in. Thanks, Freddie.