Date: Tue, 18 Aug 2009 10:49:58 -0400 From: Awriter Awriter Subject: Love me for me Part 5 "Love Me for Me" Comments welcome at: awriter1228@gmail.com A guy that I knew no more than 30 minutes was now laying in my arms crying his eyes out over the fact that his parents did the same exact thing that my father did to me. And over what? The simple fact that their son was different, had a preference towards others outside the norm -- it still was just a shocking and amazing thing to me that you could receive that sort of treatment from the people that are supposed to support and love you the most out of anyone else in the world. As we just sat there, he finally sat up and looked at me -- no, not at me in to me, and simply said, "Oh dude, I'm sorry I did not mean to dump that all on you, it's just that I've never had the ability or felt the easiness to tell anyone about that. I've had it in me for over 6 years, and well I'm sorry." I just sat for a moment in silence looking back at him and said "Don't be sorry at all I'm glad that I was at least able to help you in some way. I guess we really do have a lot in common, by the way my name is Joe." He looked back at me again and laughed and said "I'm Jeff, nice to meet you." Now it was my turn to have the look of insanity on my face. He looked at me with a question mark on his face and all I said was "that was my brother's name." We just sat there in silence looking at each other, it really was getting too weird, I was starting to realize or at least get the feeling that this was much more than coincidence, there were just too many similarities, too many matches, just too much in common here. I decided that it was time to get to know this guy and discover just what else it is that we have in common since I have a funny feeling that there's much more to come. After just sitting and staring I asked him to come to lunch with me so that we could get to know each other better and also so that he could tell me about the campus and just what it is that I'm up against. However, before I even had the chance to open my mouth and ask him to lunch he said, "would you like to go and get a bite to eat? I'd be more than happy to sit and talk and then we can walk around the campus and I can show you what you're up against." OK, now this was fucking insane he was using my own words? I readily agreed and we left the dorms and walked over to a diner about half a mile away (as if I hadn't done enough walking already) that he said had decent food and was cheap. As we sat down at the table, he literally started off like a motor mouth -- as if he had never talked to a human being before, I sat there in amazement as he kept going on and on and on about so much stuff in so many different contexts that I almost couldn't keep up. But then he hit the point that I knew was eventually coming. "Joe, I know that I only know you for a few hours but, I don't know why or how it is that this feeling in me is happening, but I feel that I could tell you anything. I mean, I know that I babble a lot but there are certain parts of me that never, ever come out to another soul and yet 2 hours ago I told you what happened to me," and he paused and I just felt that it was right to say, "Jeff, somehow I feel the same way -- there is some sort of connection between you and me, so I want you to know that as much of strangers as we are -- I promise you that anything you tell me never goes further than me, and that's a promise." He just looked at me and started to cry. And just continued on. "Joe, I don't know how to explain to you how that makes me feel and what a relief it is just to have someone to talk to. It's been 6 years, since I've really had anyone to confide in. No one ever wants to hear a sob story or even be anywhere near minimally compassionate, and it's just so painful to keep it all inside. It wasn't even 6 years it's been more like 10 years. When I was home I was basically ignored --their only child and basically when I got to the age that they felt it was safe for me to be out by myself without needing a `leash' as they called it, them paying attention to me more or less ended. They left me money on the table, to get by with. If I needed to get somewhere by car I actually had to beg them to do it, which often I didn't even try to I made every effort not bother them. And as soon as I was old enough to get a job, they stopped leaving me money. And it just went on and on, quite honestly I don't know why they didn't put me up for adoption it would have been a hell of a lot easier for me and them. And well you get the idea about the rest, and then jumping forward I guess you could say that I knew I was gay from a very early age -- I really didn't even have to think about it, I hated girls wanted nothing to do with them, I was attracted to guys period. Which in all honesty didn't bother me at all, and then for whatever stupid reason, which to this day I still have no idea why I did it --I guess I just wasn't thinking that night -- they were both sitting at the dinner table I walked over sat down and just said to them `not that you really care or want anything to do with me, but I think you should know that I'm gay.' And that was the final straw of my connection to my family. My mother didn't say a word, just got up and left. My father looked at me for about a minute and then just said get out and don't ever come back you aren't welcome here. And, that was 6 years ago, yep that's right I was a junior in high school, and now a senior in college, I won't go into the rest of high school and how I made it into college but you get the idea." I just sat there with chin in my hands staring at him, replaying the words he had just poured out to me, and again just couldn't fathom how parents -- of all people parents, could have so little care for their own child -- a person that each of them WANTED to bring into the world, it just did not make sense to me in any which way. I continued to just stare at him, after that entire rant he had tears in his eyes, yet they weren't blood shot, they were a sapphire blue, just like my father's eyes. It was almost scary how much I felt as if I was looking into a mirror. He called me out of my trance and asked if I was OK and I quickly said, "Yes, I'm fine just digesting what it is you just said and realizing how similar our lives really are. " He smiled and I just went through my entire story-leaving out the one part of being in love with my father- and I could see him and his eyes looking just the way that I had at him, and by the time I was done, we both just sat there in silence, wondering after what was just said, where to go next. And then finally I figured, well if we've gone this deep into things, why not shoot the other way and ask about relationships. So I said, "Well since we've discussed things as deep as we have I'll assume the fact that pretty much anything is fair game here, so how come a great looking guy like you doesn't have a boyfriend?" He just looked at me as if I had thrown him a curve ball that he never saw coming, and said, "I never really wanted one. Yes I know I'm gay and I thank you for the compliment about me being a good looking guy, while I seriously disagree with you -- I'm nothing more than average, but as you now know I've always been a loner, have never expected to have a boyfriend, never wanted one, never really intend to. After so many years of `living' and being and feeling alone you get used to it. I have my friends gay and straight, but a boyfriend or lover? Not for me." I looked back at him, and found that to be the most bizarre answer, and said to him. "Um, Jeff, after the conversation we just had, it sounds like a boyfriend or lover is EXACTLY what you want or need. I mean think about it, you just said that you've never found anyone or had anyone to do this with, but feel so much better now that you did, doesn't that say something to you?" He just looked at me as I could see the wheels turning in his head, and said "You know Joe, maybe you're right, I guess that saying is sometimes you don't even know what you're looking for until it pops up right in front of your face." And then smiled at me. And I thought to myself, Oh shit, I judged this situation completely wrong. He knows exactly what he's doing, the joke is if my heart didn't already belong to somebody else, this is a guy that I would totally go for. He had the right looks, the right personality, even the right quip about him, problem is it's not who I want or will take instead. And then he just looked at me and threw the curve ball right back at me, and said, "So Joe, how come you don't have another man hanging off of your arm? You should have absolutely NO problem getting any man you want." But my answer was a lot simpler than his. "Simple, my heart belongs to one man, and has for many years. Unfortunately the feeling is not returned, but regardless of that fact, if it's not him, it's no one. " I could not have been any clearer than that -- and apparently he did hear me, and from what I could tell, took it as a stab in the chest. I was right about one thing, he was going for me, and he just said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that he's a foolish guy not to return the feeling, he's missing out on a great catch, even only knowing you for a day-I know that you are a fantastic guy, anyone would be luck to have you." And then he just asked for the check, and I realized that I may have just blown a chance to have a really good friendship, I hope not, but with the quick change in his attitude, it was certainly obvious that he was probably not going to be as open about things as he has been in the last few hours. But it is what it is, I wasn't going to bull-shit him -- there was no reason to, I refuse to let anyone get hurt off of my own problems and hang-ups. After we walked back to the campus from the diner he walked me back to my dorm, gave me his phone number and told me where his room was and said, "Joe it was a pleasure meeting you and if you ever need anything please just call me, no matter what time or day, just call or you're more than welcome to stop by." I thanked him for lunch, and just stood outside my building and watched him walk to one of the other residence halls and go inside, just replaying in my mind the conversation with a guy that I had just met, who more or less tried to ask me out, and then walked away. How freaking bizarre was that? But that said, I went upstairs and into my room and just stood there in the doorway looking around, other than the minimal things that I had brought with me from home and the things that I just bought, the room was relatively bare. A bed, a desk, a lamp provided by the school and that was pretty much it. Of course there were those 2 things in my bag that I had yet to take out, my teddy bear and a picture that I had actually found in the duffel bag of me on Dad's lap on that bench in Golden Gate Park. As I took that out of the bag, I just burst into tears, something that I had not done in almost 2 months. Actually come to think of it, I haven't done that since the night I found out that he was antigay -- not even when he threw me out, but when he said he was antigay so affirmatively. But I left that thought alone, put the picture in the teddy bears arms and set it down on the desk, and just came back again to that thought: No matter what he does, what he says, what he feels, I will always love him regardless of anything else.