Date: Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:31:30 -0400 From: Awriter Awriter Subject: Love me for me part 7 "Love Me for Me" Comments welcome at: awriter1228@gmail.com I stopped dead in mid-sentence, for what I thought I saw was my father standing in the far right corner. I blinked my eyes twice, and hoped and prayed that it was him. I had to do everything I possibly could to hold back the tears. I'm not really sure for how long it was that I stopped speaking, but after regaining my composure, I went on to finish my speech, but changed it as I was reading it. Because now, the fact that this man was standing in the audience and hearing what it was that I was saying, even just seeing him I flipped it all around made it as relevant to the school issues and achievements of the class, but if you listened to it carefully it was clear that it was all geared to one person. And really only the Professor knew who it was geared towards and I only prayed that he knew too. After I somehow managed to make it through that without falling apart I have no idea, but I finished it, got my applause and then went to sit back down, but as I was walking back over to my seat I looked at the Professor and he smiled at me, which at the time I thought nothing of, just his congratulations in silence. As I sat down I looked back out into the crowd to look for that one person, to make sure I wasn't dreaming, that I really did see him there, I looked back over to corner that I first caught glimpse of him, and it was no dream, there stood my father staring back at me with the most beautiful eyes. No smile or expression just a stare. But that didn't matter to me, all that mattered to me was the fact that he was there, the fact that he was going to get to see me graduate from college. Hell I didn't even care if he hated me, or hated me for being gay or never even wanted to look at me again. As long as he was here to witness this, maybe just maybe he'd be proud of me, and if not, well there was nothing I could do about it, but again I still did not care, he was here. The ceremony went on for what seemed like hours and hours, everyone making speeches, and rambling on about this that and the other, none of which was registering in my head at all. I was focused on one person in one spot and nothing else. It was not until I was nudged by the person sitting next to me that it was time to stand up and walk collect my piece of paper and walk down and thrown my cap up with everyone else. And then I realized again, holy shit, I did it. I put myself through college, I graduated, through the masses of people before I made that bee-line to find my father, there was one person that I had to find and hug and thank. I pushed and shoved people out of the as quickly as I could and go over to the other side of the stage and just before he was going to walk down the steps I grabbed his arm and said, "Professor, I don't know how to thank you for everything that you have done for me over the past 4 years, I really never could have done it without your support and guidance. And I will be forever grateful to you for it." He opened his arms to give me a hug and again said words that I still carry with me today, "Joe, you did it all by yourself and trust me needed no assistance from me, but it has been an absolute privilege to have known you over the past 4 years, I really do wish you all of what life can offer you. I know that in whatever you do and strive for and put your mind to, you WILL achieve it, just like you have over the past four years. I am positive of that." I hugged him back so tight again, and kept saying thank you for believing in me, really in tears, until he finally pushed me off him, and said to me, "Now, it is against school policy for staff to give students any sort of gift under any circumstance, however, I found a way to bend the rules just a little bit and got you a little something." I looked up at him with blood shot eyes and an odd look on my face and said "what?" He turned me around and said to me again in my ear, "Congratulations on your graduation, award, and achievement's you deserve every single one of them." He patted me on my back and said "good luck with everything." And walked away. But there in front of me, stood the most incredible looking creature, I just stood there staring at him through my blood shot eyes looking at every single inch of him from head to toe. I still wasn't sure that I wasn't day dreaming or having delusions. But that all went out the window because before I was able to pull myself out of my trance he moved forward a few feet and spoke to me for the first time in over four years and said, "Hi Joe." That was all it took, I burst into tears again and ran into him, almost knocking him over but wrapping my arms around him so tightly, never ever wanting to let go. I couldn't believe that he was here, I couldn't believe that it was him, I could honestly die right now and would be the happiest man on earth. It really must have been quite a scene, me bawling in the middle of a field like a little boy. But I could care less, at that moment I felt like I was eight years old again back in that one spot when everyone was so happy. And then in the midst of all this I realized that his arms were around me, he was hugging me back-he really did care about me. To what degree at that point I didn't give a shit, all it had to be was that he was there and he cared about me. When I finally let go of him, I stood back for a minute and looked at his face, really still no expression, but almost a look of kindness, but again it really didn't matter. At this point I had so many things running through my head, so many questions, so many emotions I really didn't even know where to start or where to go, but I knew that I wanted to be alone with him, with no interruptions or distractions. I looked at him, and just asked him, "Dad, come with me please back to my apartment? I want to talk, away from here." He just nodded and followed me, well almost ran after me I don't think I moved that fast ever before even running for track. Once we got back there, I wasn't actually sure how to act yet, I so badly wanted to jump into his arms again, and kiss him a thousand times but I couldn't do that he'd never speak to me again. So I just invited him in and asked if he wanted a drink, he looked back and shook his head no and went to sit down on the couch. I sat down on the other side of the couch, not really sure what to say at this point, so decided to just start talking and hopefully not make a bumbling idiot out of myself and screw it all up again. So I started to say something but he stopped me before I ever had a chance to get the word out and said, "Joe, don't say anything. (I sat there in silence just staring at him) Joe, I feel it is wrong for me to be here – I don't really deserve to be here right now. I still cannot even believe the fact that you are willing to look at me, let alone be in your presence after all of what happened and how long it's been. And had it not been for your Professor showing up at the house, I most likely would not be here. BUT NOT because I did not want to be, but because I could not even bare to think how you might feel when you saw me. I've spent the past four years, first looking for you then, once I figured out where you were, agonizing over how I could have been such a cruel and horrible person and how much you must hate me and your family. After you left, it took me a day or 2 to realize that you were not coming back. I wasn't really sure what to do. I realized that I knew nothing about you, I went up to your bedroom and looked around and saw so many things that I never knew you had, or anything you did. You had written papers, joined a team, won medals, and I had no clue about it. I started walking around in circles not knowing what to do, wondering how I allowed that to happen, and I am so sorry for that. But aside from all that I am SO sorry for saying what I did, and I will be for the rest o f my life. The last thing I ever in my life wanted to do was hurt you, but my fear and wrong beliefs took over control of my brain and it just came out. I know that it's not an excuse but it is the truth. Over the past four years I've been totally lost and torn over what to do, but I could not bring myself to call or come here, I was just too embarrassed and too fearful of what you would think or say to me – and how could I blame you? I could not in anyway. I wasn't with you going through your entire adolescent life, I missed your high school graduation and almost missed your college one. But when that man knocked on the door, and told me that you were going to be the Salutatorian, I realized that no matter how you felt about me I had to be here for that, and you may not believe it but I'm sure your mother and brother are `here' as well. Joseph I am SO proud of you and all that you have accomplished and I know this doesn't sound believable but I am so proud to have you as my son, and you are someone I do not deserve in anyway. And I want you to know I don't care who you are or what you are, I will always love you. And I also brought you something that I wanted you to have back. I love you Joey very much." And he took out of his pocket, the watch and note that I had left him, handed me the watch but kept the note, and just smiled. I just sat there staring at him, still digesting what had just been said to me. I still had so many questions and curiosities about so many things, but I then realized that none of them mattered. He was here now, he said he loved me, probably only as his son – but I didn't give a damn I had him. I just looked at him deeply into his eyes leaned in close to him, took my thumb and wiped the tear off of his cheek and simply said, "I don't care about anything else, I love you too. Do you see that note? Everything I wrote on there I meant and still do. You could say anything you want, feel anything you none of it matters I still love you and I always will. I will never turn you away, never hate you – I can't. Having you here, knowing that you were there when I made my speech and graduated and got my diploma made me happier than anything else in the world." And now I decided that again, just like 4 years ago, I have his attention, this time he's going to hear it all. And I just went on, "But, dad there is something that I never got to finish telling you, and I hope that you really do love me enough to handle this, but it really is something so important to me, that I need you to know. You don't have to agree with it, or really accept it, as long as you accept me I'll be happy with that, but you still need to know this about me." He nodded ok, and I went for it. "Dad, you know that I'm gay, and it would seem that you are OK with that now. But the part that I was not able to tell you before is the fact that I am in love with you. Yes I said `in love' with you. I have been since the day I realized that I was gay. You were all I ever wanted to be, and really still are. You heard my speech I meant every word of it. Still have every one of the feelings, towards you. I want to share everything, I want to be a part of you. I want to be the last thing you see in bed before you close your eyes and the first thing you wake up to every morning. I know that this is something that you aren't privy to or would even do or consider, but I needed you to know this. I know you are not gay, so this really is a moot issue, but I just needed you to know it, to know that I love you in every possible way and I always will. I don't care about the past – it's over it's done and gone with. All that matters to me now, is that you're here and we can move forward as best friends and father and son. I can't go through another 4 years without you." He just sat there looking at me, not saying anything, no expression just staring at me, and then got up off of the couch, and I thought to myself oh fuck, I did it again, now he really will never speak to me again. Why the fuck did I open my mouth?? It was like, someone was taking a butcher knife and ramming it into my chest over and over, I didn't know whether to cry or beg or what, I couldn't even bare to see him go out the door, I just put my head in my lap and let the tears start to flow. I heard footsteps along the wood floor, and then a pause but I heard no door open, I wanted so badly to look up and see where he was or what he was doing but I couldn't bring myself to do it, that would mean having to look him in the face and seeing whatever anger or disappointment he had for me. But I did nothing and heard nothing, no footsteps, no voice, no noise, just absolute and total silence. I think that this was almost worse than having him tell me to get out, indifference that was just a horrid, horrid feeling. But then I heard footsteps again, not going further away but getting closer to me, at this point it had gone from silence to almost deafening and then nothing again. But I opened my eyes just a tiny bit and on the floor in front of me I saw 2 shoes neither of with were mine, and then a hand on my shoulder gently pulling me back up. At that point I had no strength to resist or assist with, I just let him pull me up and then I felt his soft hand touch the side of my face and gently turn it towards him, so that I was staring at his chest and then he lifted my chin and our eyes met, both blood-shot with tears, yet no words were spoken, no sounds were made. He just held my chin with one hand and then slowly moved his other, took his thumb and gently wiped the tear away from under my left eye and my heart started to race again maybe it was my dream coming true, maybe he really did love me and was finally realizing it, and then he said to me, "Joey, Joey,Joey, if you could only comprehend what you are doing to me right now, it would make saying this so much easier but, Joe you just can't and won't be able to." I cut him off right there, because now my emotions were going from sadness and excitement at the same time to anger and frustration and I said, "Comprehend what dad? How the fuck can I even try and comprehend anything if you won't fucking tell me what it is?!? I'm not a child anymore. You can't use the bullshit excuse that I'm too young to understand it. Maybe I should reiterate the fact that you weren't around for the past 10 years?? How the fuck would you know what I could comprehend or not? Do you realize what I've done?? I went through high school ALONE, I put myself through college and came out as salutatorian, and without one ounce of your help. Just like you said 20 minutes ago, you don't know who I am, well you're damned right you don't. If you would even just TRY and get to know me you might realize the fact that I'm a lot more grown up than you think, hell from this point it would appear a LOT more grown up than you! And let me be very clear here, I meant and still mean EVERYTHING that I said to you. I love you unconditionally, I will no matter what. Nothing could ever change that. BUT if you can't trust me or believe in me enough to even let me TRY and comprehend what it is, then I don't know what to say anymore. You see that envelope over there sitting on the Teddy Bear? That's a letter stating whether or not I was accepted into Law School at Stanford University. I have not opened it yet because I was praying, hoping and wishing that somehow I might be able to share it with you and have you next to me when I read what the answer is. But you know what? Maybe I won't be able to comprehend it, so I'm not even going to try. I'll just leave it there and move on. You know what Dad? I think my professor was right, I can pray and want, and try to get something that I want for as long as I can but in the end the ONLY person I can really count on is yourself. I never wanted to believe that EVER, I always thought that somehow, someway you would be there for me. And when you showed up today, it confirmed that I was right – or now at least I thought it had. But no, he was right I can see that now, it's just going to be me, like it has been for the past fucking 10 years. I will always love you no matter what, but I'm not doing this, I can't do it. I worked so hard to be able to deal with my life without you, with that hope that you'd come back. But no more I'm done. You can stay here as long as you want, there's an extra set of keys in the kitchen." As I got up to leave he grabbed my wrists so tightly that it hurt, I tried to pull free from it, but each time I tried he squeezed harder. I did not realize how strong he was, but I still wasn't going to stay there. And as I kept struggling, with his free hand he slapped me across the face. I stopped struggling, and just stood there frozen in shock. Of all the things I've witnessed with and known about him for as long as I've been alive he has NEVER hit me. I had no idea he even had that in him. And after what seemed like hours of just standing there, but was not more than a minute, I gave one last pull, got my wrist free, grabbed my car keys, ran out the door, leaving him standing there alone.