Date: Fri, 24 Jan 2014 16:55:18 +0000 From: Raul Bimenyimana Subject: Matters Of The Heart MATTERS OF THE HEART Well I don't know where exactly to start my story from but I'd rather I first introduced myself. My name is Riley Mwendwa,I was born in Nairobi(Kenya) and lived there for 14 years of my life.Those 14 years of my life were basically the saddest moments for me,that is until aunt Eva(bless her heart)came to my rescue.I was an only child and there were no more children until I turned 10 after my mother died and my dad got a step-mom.My father was the preacher of a church while my mom was a stay-at-home housewife.Now Kenya just like almost every other African state is not very friendly to homosexual individuals.Almost everyone is homophibic,from the political leaders to the cleric ones,and being born into a conservative home was not easy at all so everyone was not accepting.Growing up I hnestly cannot remember if and when I was ever attracted to the female species,not that I had problems with them they were fantastic. My relationship with my dad was never the one I saw with the other neighbours' fathers and children,whereas the fathers would play and have fun with their kids my dad would ignore me.My mother on the other hand was very loving and more than compensated the love my father denied me.Apart from my parents,there was aunt Eva,aunt Natalie and aunt Lydia they were all my mother's sisters and loved me as well.My mom came from a family of five,one boy and four girls my uncle Ben however died at a tender age so I never got to meet him. Growing up I was a bit shy prefering to be by myself but when I did play it was with the girls from the neighbourhood,I preferred hopscotch with girls especially Lily she was nice as opposed to soccer the boys were playing,I also was a bit effeminate,I was different.This did not go well with my father as well as the other kids in my neighbourhood.My father thought it wrong for a boy to act like a girl so he "disciplined" me by the most popular method in sub-sahara Africa,corporal punishment.I was just six years old when he began hitting me correcting me he called it,he was preventing me from turning into a demon-possessed faggot(his words not mine).My mother was against it of course at first but once my father argued out how the bible commands wives to be submissive to their husbands my mother relented,my aunts especially aunt Eva were against it but there wasn't much that could be done as corporal punishment was not illegal and my father was well my father and had the ultimate say.I was very confused with what was going on,I didn't understand my mistake I never did anything wrong to anyone so I didn't understand why I was being punished.My father warned me against playing with the girls and promised a good beating if I tried. I remember sitting by myself and the girls who I played with especially Lily calling me to play,I would turn them down telling them I couldn't.It wouldn't take me ten minutes and I would forget the warning offered and play with the girls little did I know my father had assigned spies to watch me.By spy I mean Rodney,a seven year old only a year older than me,he went to the church my father ministered in and was told by my father to keep an eye on me so as to help me not to turn into a spawn of the devil,I imagine.Rodney and a couple of other boys were particularly mean to me and called me names but most commonly used the term "chali-dem" which in translated from the local sheng meant sissy boy in english. When my father returned home he questioned if I had done as he said,I felt guilty knowing father preached in church and in our home fellowships that liars had their place in hell.Seeing that I wasn't answering him quick enough he repeated the question,"did you play with girls today?" "no I.. I did not" "so apart from disobeying you are now lying as well,I'll show you how disobedient liars are corrected" the minute those words were said I was led in to my bedroom by the ear."Aaaa"I cried,my mother who was in the kitchen preparing dinner came quickly inquiring "what's the problem?" only to be rebuffed and told "stay out of this woman,it is you and your sisters who are responsible for making this boy go soft now back to the kitchen!"By now his voice was raised to the point that I was sure the neighbours knew there was an argument and would know what was happening.If he continued he would probably turnish his reputation for being a peaceful and nonviolent(I literally chocked on that word) man.His family was supposed to be an example to the sinful families who were basically destined to be the coal igniting hell to keep the fire burning(his words not mine).We were more like assets to him than family.My mother didn't argue and went back to resume her "wifely" duties. Once in my room I was beaten and told to stay in the room and think of the thing I'd done and how Jesus was disapponted in me.I was told never to lie to him again as he will always know when I'm lying,of course I believed at the moment not knowing Rodney had told my father.I came to know that Rodney was the one telling my father when one day as mom had sent me out to buy salt from the nearby kiosk(a small shop where we bought small items within the neighbourhood) and I saw my father with none other than Rodney,the kid who was always giving me a hard time.Even more surprising was that he was giving him what appeared to be a gift.A toy I had asked him to buy for me but had refused and what surprised me most were the words he'd said,"I am so proud of you Rodney nice work".It didn't take a genius to know what work my dad was saying,I already had my suspicions that Rodney was the one who ratted me out to my dad.But that was not was most hurting.Never had he told me he was proud of me,never had he given me a gift not even on my birthday all my gifts were from my mom or aunts.He'd told me that I should be grateful to God that I even had birhday parties that not even every child had them.In that moment I was so hurt that I ran back home crying forgeting that I was even sent.My mom was confused and asked me what the problem was.I told her what had happened and how hurt I was,how much I'd like to change so that my dad would say the words he was saying to Rodney."Never change Riley,not for your father not for me not for anyone!"she almost commanded.I know it was so cliche but I don't think there could ever be any other more approprite words at that moment.Those words stuck with me till this moment,so I didn't change even when my father continued with his abuse,he grew tired eventually and I also made sure I stayed out of his way. My aunt Eva left for the U.S when I was seven,I was not to see her again till my mother died I was ten by then.She died suddenly to meningitis.I was crushed,I didn't think I would or could ever feel such pain before,my aunts were very supportive and comforted me assuring me that things would get better.I actually thought that they were wrong but things did get better over time,I missed her so much but it wasn't painful thinking of her anymore.Aunt Eva promised to take me with her when she came back.She felt responsible for my well being considering I'd be stuck with my father but I knew there was no way on earth my father would let me go just like that. My dad didn't take that long to re-marry,I had always questioned his love for my mother.My step-mother wasn't as bad as I thought,we weren't close but not hostile with each other.We kept our distance and let each other do their thing.Strangely enough I was even closer to her than my father.School wasn't going to well for me,not that I had any problem with my school work I was above average and got good grades,my social life however was the pits.In Kenya there is no zero tolerance policy to bullying,yes bullying is very much discouraged in teaching institutions.That however is in relation to bullying under ethnic or religious or socio-economic background.Being gay however doesn't fall under that category.I had been pretty much been kicked,punched,shoved,smacked,slapped plus some number of moves I've seen on wrestling beaten but no teacher really came to my rescue.Infact homosexuality is taught as a vice in schools so that just gave the bullies more amo.Going to highschool was even worse,in Kenya we have an 8.4.4 education system,meaning you get eight years of primary and four years in both secondary and university.A lot of highschools in Kenya are most all boys or all girls schools.Worst of all going through puberty at 14,that's when I joined secondary,I would get hot and bothered from seeing the cute boys and the worst feeling was that yoyu could do nothing about it.It was like walking through a candystore salivating at all the good candy but not getting to take even one with you. Aunt Eva did come back for me when I was fourteen.I was so happy I had missed her so much.She demanded she take me back with her to live with her family,a lot had happened in her life.She was married to an American,Steve was his name a kind,quiet man according to her and had a beautiful baby girl whom she named Malaika(angel in Swahili,who had just turned 4.Of course my father refused that such a thing happen,I was confused why because he never cared much about me but aunt Eva did something I'm still dumbfounded to date.She asked to speak with my dad in private which he agreed to after hesitating for a while and when they were done talking I saw something I thought I'd never see in my life.My dad had his head bowed and it looked like he had been and was still sweating but that was nothing compared to the best news I'd received in my life..well second best only to the one my love had proclaimed to me."Riley your aunt and I have talked and we have both come to the conclusion that you'd be best off living with her,both me and your mother(my stepmother that is)will miss you".My father was letting me go!!!!I couldn't believe it.I wondered what it was that had caused this reaction from him."Thankyou!,thankyou so much!"I exclaimed hugging him,I hadn't done it in a while and it became quite awkward when he didn't reciprocate."Sorry" I said while withdrawing myself."Now that he is under your care Eva I don't expect you to bother me about his upkeep and things like that because under no.." "You don't have to worry about anything I'll take good care of him with or without your help"aunt Eva interrupted."Very well he'll stay with us until we sort out his paperwork and all the legal matters are resolved but if he is not permitted by the U.S embassy he stays,"dad said practically grinning at the last part of his sentence. If there ever were miracles going to the U.S with aunt Eva was one of them.Maybe there really was a god that answered prayers.I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had the chance to start out in life again in a place where I could be myself and be safe about it.The U.S to seems like an ordinary place to anyone who was born and grew up in the U.S but to me it was like the land of milk and honey,my salvation and aunt Eva to me was Moses leading me out of the house I lived in misery leading me to a place of freedom and dreams.When my visa came I wasn't able to sleep the whole night,I was up all night thinking,thinking of what lay ahead of me.Of course aunt Eva made sure she gave me a lecture on behaving myself,"Now I don't think I have much to say about discipline,seeing your mother raised you so well"she said.I became a bit sad with the mention of my mom,"She would have been so proud of the fine young man you've turned out to be Riley."I could only smile at her and nod.I was staying at her hotel since we had to get up early for our flight.Leaving home wasn't as emotional as I think it's meant to be because my father wasn't present to bid me goodbye but surprisingly enough my stepmom gave me a hug and told me to be careful.Maybe she wasn't as bad as I thought. I can't fully put in words the feeling I had when the plane took off,uncertain of what was ahead but hopeful,a bit of relief.Turning to see my aunt looking at me with a smile,I just smiled back no words were needed.Looking out of the plane seeing the houses and buildings turn to dots.It was quite surreal,being my first time on a plane I thought I'd be scared but apart from being startled with the take off I was fine.We transited through Amsterdam and went on with our journey reminding each other of my fond childhood memories.We finally reached Philadelphia.As soon as I got off the plane I felt a weariness that was quite new to me,"It's called jetlag?" "huh?" "the fatigue its called jetlag its because of flying through the different time zones" "oh?" "oh indeed, how about we find us a cab and go home Riles" "ok," I said as we made our way through Philadelphia International Airport.I couldn't help but stop and stare looking at the things and people all new to me.I was gaping in amusement at a girl who was wearing a skirt so short I don't even think they'd call it a miniskirt anymore.I was interrupted by Aunt Eva's voice inquiring,"I thought you liked guys?"I could hear the smile in her voice "I still do I was just imagining what dad would say if she saw the girl in the miniskirt" "what would he say" "He'd ask if the tailor ran out of material for the skirt" and with that Aunt Eva laughed heartily clutching her ribs,she laughed so hard that the people around us started staring and I became self conscious."Oh laaawd have mercy" "Aunt Eva people are starting to stare at us" "okay," and we finally went to get a cab. Driving to aunt Eva's place we went through the city and I got to see the amazing buildings,not that I hadn't seen tall buildings before Nairobi has lots of them but they were not as tall or as beautiful.Then we came to a stop as the cab had reached its stop.Exiting the cab I stared at aunt Eva's house.Boy had I been doing a lot of staring lately.I was anxious not sure of how Steve,Eva's husband would react to my intruding and even though Aunt Eva had told me he had no problems with me being gay I was still uncertain of his reception. "Hi,you must be Riley,welcome I'm Steve and this is Malaika,welcome and feel at home,"a man pointing at the swetest baby I'd ever seen greeted me while extending his arm.Swiftly remembering my manners,I shook his hand."Thankyou,Steve Aunt Eva has told me so much about you" "It's all good I hope" "Its all good".Steve was a handsome man,about six feet,blue eyes,a moustache that was well trimmed and almost golden skin that showed he had some mediterenean blood in him since it turns out he was from Italy and I was right .Malaika who seemed a bit shy to meet me hiding behind her father peeked and I extended my arm and greeted her"Hi,Malaika""Hi" she squeaked taking her former position behind her father.In general the whole family was very friendly and didn't seem to mind at all that I was gay. So I settled into my new home and started adjusting to my new environment.The climate was much cooler compared to Nairobi where it was either hot or wet,the coolest we got was during June and July and that paled in comparison to the winter season in Philly.Moreover,I was used to doing chores back at home especially after my mom died,but they had a washing machine for washing clothes,a dishwasher for washing dishes ,a vaccum cleaner and the kids still complained about doing chores when they were almost doing nothing at all. I'd just started high school,I was in the tenth grade.I started learning how to wite some words, since colour was color now and stuff like that,but the best part is that I made friends at school.Daniel,Claire and Sean all warmed up to me on the first day. I had various classes with each of them and they were all different in one way or another,the first I met was Sean.Now if I thought I was a flamer,Sean made my act look like child's play.He was dressed in drag,I didn't even know they allowed students to dress like that in schools,well they didn't where I came from and if they did the students would probably got to school all black and blue and this colours wouldn't be from the make up.He pointed me right out I guess it shouldn't be that hard to notice,he has one wicked gaydar,even though I still believe no such thing exists. "Hi,"he said "you must be new here I would have noticed such a cute face if I saw it before"he practically drawled.I think my cheeks went red and I'm not even white so I don't know how that was possible.Thankfully Claire saved me from further harrasment,"Leave him alone Sean you're always scaring the cute ones,hello my name is Claire,forgive my friend Sean" "Hi I'm Riley" I said still blushing profusely I'd never got this much compliments before and moms and aunts shouldn't count.To describe Sean would be hard considering the amount of make-up he had on made him look like some painting fresh off some amateur artist's studio.He was a few inches shorter than me that would make him about 5"7,he had creamy white skin,blonde hair,a lithe body not very different from mine except I had a bit more definition,a longer than average neck that made him walk with a grace I'd seen from the girrafes of Nairobi,his most outstanding features were his hazel eyes that sparkeled with mischief. Claire was one of the prettiest girl I'd ever met like Sean she had blonde hair but hers was lighter almost white,she had light blue eyes and she was shorter than both Sean and me but not by much.Her smile was one of those you see in those toothpaste commercials on t.v,I'm not very good with describing the best features of I got to meet Daniel later on,in the literature class I shared with both Sean and Claire.We were busy chatting while they were both filling me in on who was who,who fucked who, who broke up with who,you know the same old highschool gossip when Daniel interupted what Sean was saying by planting a short but firm kiss on his lips.I gaped,I was doing a lot of that recently,and Claire chuckled at my reaction."I don't believe I've had the pleasure of meeting such a cutie,Daniel "he said while extending his arm which I greeted blushing,was everyone here gay and a flirt.Somehow I felt I had been teleported to a parallel universe where gay people were the majority of the human species and heterosexuals were a minority but I knew such a place would be too perfect to exist."Hi,I'm Riley just started going to school here,"I introduced myself."Where are you from?""Nairobi,Kenya" "Huh?" "It's in Africa,"I said deducing that he was not the smartest of the bunch.Daniel was really cute,unlike both Claire and Sean he had red hair,and that was the first person,I'd never seen that kind of hair colour in person even though I'd seen it on t.v before.He was the tallest of all of us,turns out he was an official of the school's drama group.Turns out he had an off and on relationship with Sean. Two weeks and school work was going on great I mean the classes were easier than the ones in Nairobi and so were the tests,in my opinion at least.I was getting A's in almost every class except Chemistry but I'd always had problems with it but I still got a minimum of B.Turns out I was giving Claire some competition in the academic department but the girl was a genius and got all A's,however we didn't have any negative feelings for each other instead we even got closer.The teachers were encouraging and the students were friendly,maybe not all of them but most of them were at least tolerant.Life was swell and couldn't be any better,I was still a bit upset with my lovelife or the lack of that is.Eva was complaining that I was doing too much housework,yeah I know how ironic that sounds but she felt as if I was trying to pay my stay in their house but I more than reassured her it was not that,that I actually liked doing the chores which I actually did. Two months into my stay in Philly and I hadn't met a single person that I was very interested in and vice-versa,but I wasn't worried considering I hadn't even turned 15 but all my friends seemed to have someone so I felt a bit left out.So Saturday afternoon and everyone besides me had gone to do something even Malaika had a playdate with one of her friends but I was busy doing my laundry when I heard movement coming from the front door so I went to check what it was only to be hit y an epiphany of some sort.You know how people say how they first met the men and women of their dreams for the first time and some divine bells chimed and chords were playing in the background,some coup de foudre,I know for sure I fell in deep lust and I fell hard,yeah you can take it to be literal or figurative. "Hi,you must be Riley,I'm Frank and I was look...Hello are you fine,"the angel that had miraculously fallen from the heavens to our doorstep was talking to me but I couldn't fully register a word he was saying.Even his voice had a fine baritone ring to it,his eyes were such a rich kind of blue I couldn't help but stare into them,his dark black hair,his full red lips,the moustache that complimented his facial features so well even if they would have looked ridiculous on some others,his prominent adams apple protruding from a very thick strong neck,the broad shoulders.."Hi,are you listening?"he asked smirking "I'm sorry what did you say?" "Hi,I'm Frank,"he repeated while presenting his arm for a handshake might I add that it was dusted with black hair."I'm Lonnie,you must be Steve's brother",I noted seeing some resemblance whilst gaining some sense of speech that seemed evade me some time ago."Yah,it seemed like nobody was home,I wanted to surprise everyone I'm just coming from school""Sorry no one's around at the moment but they're supposed to come back at any moment from now""You're Eva's nephew right?"he asked taking a seat"Yah,her and my late mother are..were sisters" and from that point we sat while I recounted my stories of how Kenya is and somehow found myself talking animatedly and freely with this person that had nearly cut short the oxygen flowing into my lungs some moment ago. At the time glee as I had never felt the way I did for someone as I was feeling for Frank little did I know what kind of turbulence was to upset my new found life.