Date: Tue, 30 Mar 2004 20:16:30 -0800 (PST) From: Jeremy Benner Subject: My Brother's Affiliation- Chapter 17 TEASER: "Ian leaned into me, pressing his body against my side, and softly brushed his hand over the side of my face as I cried. His face was inches from mine, and I looked desperately into his deep blue eyes..." This part of the story includes: no sex ______________________________________ My team and I beat Brookeside last Saturday, which didn't surprise me in the least. Coach kept telling us that they were going to be tough because they are a very solid team as we are and they have a strong defense and powerful linebacker blah blah blah, but we whooped their ass the whole game and walked away with a very impressive score of 43-13. And we beat Westerville today, which means that we have a spot in the play-offs. The state title is looking damn good right now and although that's fucking awesome... part of me doesn't give a shit at the moment. "Nice playing, Brian," Megan said to me as I walked past her and her friends and made my way to my car after the game. "Thanks," I smiled awkwardly, glancing over to her for a brief moment before turning my attention back to my car, which suddenly looked very far away. "Where ya goin'?" she shouted to me "Home." "Not going to Kyle's party huh?" "Nope!" I shouted and continued to walk "Shouldn't I be the one being cold to you? Not the other way around?" "I'm not being cold, Meg! I'm just going home!" "Tell your girlfriend I say hello! She can have my sloppy seconds!" I shook my head and almost stopped walking to turn around and tell her for the hundredth time that I didn't have a girlfriend and I was sorry for hurting her but there was no point so I just kept walking. I was actually getting annoyed with her and feeling less and less sympathetic every time she talked shit to me. She needs to move on and stop pestering me, which is all she does now. Everywhere I turn there she is to tell me I'm an ass or to flirt with my buddies around me. It's just getting old and annoying. I really didn't feel like going home. Sure, Ian was there and I wanted to be with him, but it was such a big night. We were in the fucking play-offs! It didn't seem right to not celebrate with my team. It's not like me to go home after a game instead of going to a party, getting drunk, and acting like an ass with all my buddies. As I drove home in the opposite direction of Kyle's party, I got more and more depressed thinking about how much I had changed. "Hey," Ian said, grinning as I walked through the door. "Hey," I responded lightly and sat down on the couch beside my brother. I felt his eyes on me as I rested my head back against the cushions and looked up at the ceiling. "You lost?" "No... we won. 32-29," I said simply "What's wrong then?" "Where are mom and dad?" "Out. I dunno where... what's wrong?" I rolled my head to the side and looked over at him. He looked scared and startled, like he was waiting for me to say something serious and horrifying. I smiled a little to reassure him that everything was fine then as my smile slowly disappeared I said, "Tonight was just a rough night." "Why? What happened?" "Nothing really. Nothing happened at all." "Okay..." "I'm just depressed, you know?" "No, I don't know. You won tonight..." Ian said gently, "You made the play-offs right?" I couldn't bring myself to respond. I felt my emotions boiling inside of me and before I could force myself to calm down my bottom lip began quivering hysterically. I couldn't stuff my feelings down like I usually can and before I knew it tears were slowly streamed down my cheeks. "Brian, God, what's the matter?" Ian whispered, quickly moving closer to me and stroking my face I closed my eyes and sniffled repeatedly, trying hard to keep from weeping and sobbing uncontrollably. Ian is the only person I'd feel remotely comfortable crying in front of, and I was still uneasy as he stroked my face and watched my tears flow. "Ian, I'm ok," I said softly, pulling his hand down from my cheek and sitting up straight on the couch. I bent over my legs, resting my forearms on my knees and lowering my head to hide my grieving face. My brother was quiet for awhile. I knew he was staring at me as I continued to cry and my tears dropped to the floor and into our moms beige carpet. "Is this about me?" "No," I sniffed, wiping my eyes Ian put his head on my shoulder, nuzzling into my neck, and rubbed my back. I didn't want him so close to me when I was feeling so emotional and out of sorts, but I didn't say anything. Well, I didn't say anything until he whispered in my ear that everything would be ok. That ticked me off because he didn't even know why I was upset. Maybe everything WOULDN'T be ok. I wasn't a child. Don't tell me what I want to hear. "Come on Ian, I don't want to be babied," I said firmly, tilting my body away from him. "I'm not babying you..." "You are. Don't say shit like that to me right now, alright?" Ian's hand slowly dragged from my back as he moved away from me and sat back on the couch. I immediately felt bad for being so rough with him, but I didn't apologize. "I can just leave you alone. It seems like that's what you want," he said delicately, his words featherlike in an effort to not upset me again. I didn't respond. More tears seeped from my eyes as my emotions kept sweltering within me and tried to get to the surface to break through my rigid demeanor. Part of me wanted to just give in and allow myself to cry and release all of my sadness, but a stronger part of me didn't want to admit that I was as upset as I was. "Fine," Ian said and the couch jumped as my brother got up. I closed my eyes and made up my mind that it was okay that Ian was leaving and I didn't need him, but my heart knew that I didn't want him to go so before my brain had a chance to remind me that I don't depend on other people I said, "That's not what I want." There was silence. I anxiously waited for the couch the sink down, announcing my brother's presence beside me again but when it didn't after several long seconds, I looked up. Ian was standing beside the couch looking down on me. He looked sad but also like he was serious and waiting for me to say something else. Like apologize or tell him how much I really needed him. He loves to test me and test how much I love him, which doesn't bother me because it proves that he won't put up with me when I act like an egotistical prick. I have never gotten along with wimpy, subservient people who just take my shit. My brother will never beg me to let him love me, which makes me love him and want him even more. "I'm sorry I snapped at you... I don't want to be left alone," I said in an almost inaudible voice. My eyes followed Ian as he sat back down beside me. I expected him to touch me in some way like he always does when I'm upset, but he just looked into my eyes with a very serene expression on his face to let me know that he wasn't angry with me. I wanted him to stroke my face again and rub my back, but I settled for just his being there beside me. Of course I could have reached out to him to show that I wanted some affection, but I didn't want to do that. Even though I'm evolving into more humble, compliant person I still have those stubborn and arrogant qualities inside me. I looked at my brother and smiled a little as I wiped more tears from my eyes and cheeks and sat up straight on the couch. "I hate crying," I stated, laughing slightly to hide how awkward and powerless I felt. Ian didn't respond; he just looked at me with a dismal expression and watched me wipe the tears from my eyes. I knew he was waiting for me to explain what was going on, but I really didn't know what to say. I've never been good at expressing my feelings, particularly because I rarely do. I'm much better at lying about how I feel. "Brian..." Ian whispered, encouraging me to talk to him. My false smile diminished and I felt sadness course through my body and contort onto my face as my emotions started boiling inside of me again. I didn't want to hear myself say what I was feeling, but I knew I couldn't be coy with my brother. "I don't have anyone but you, Ian," I muttered, my voice croaking as I spoke the words and tears flooded my eyes again. Ian leaned into me, pressing his body against my side, and softly brushed his hand over the side of my face as I cried. His face was inches from mine, and I looked desperately into his deep blue eyes as he said, "You don't need anyone but me..." He looked as if he was going to start crying with me as he said this. "I feel so alone," I gulped, "I don't know what to do." "You're not-" "Every thing is so fucked... it hurts and... I can't... I can't..." Ian continued to run his hand over the side of my face as I began crying harder, and I couldn't get my words out so I just sobbed helplessly. He must have been terribly confused by how upset I was because earlier I was perfectly fine. I was joking with him, kissing him, excited about the game tonight, I was not upset in the least; I was like I always am with him. Everything was fine. When I opened my eyes after I had finally started calming down, I saw that Ian's own tears were running down his cheeks as he gazed at me and shared my grief. Though I had calmed down, I continued to cry. It was amazing to see my brother crying simply because I was so upset. I love him with every fiber of my being. "I realized tonight," I started, speaking slowly as not to rouse my desolation, "I'd have nothing if it weren't for you." "That's not true," Ian said and more tears gushed from his eyes. "It's true... before you I had football, my teammates, and idiot girlfriends hanging on me. And I don't have any of those things anymore... I don't WANT any of those things anymore." Before Ian had a chance to respond I went on to say, "Now that I'm... I don't know... maturing, if I can give myself that much credit, my teammates annoy me and I can't relate to them anymore. All this week they've been infuriating me with their bullshit and their constant stupidity and insolence and I can't fucking stand them anymore." I paused to wipe my eyes and nose then sighed, exhausted from my little "breakdown." "After the game my teammates were cheering and celebrating in the locker room, talking shit on the other team, being obnoxious as always, but I wasn't celebrating with them. I was at my locker getting out of my jersey so I could shower and go home. Because although I was excited that we won, I didn't want to share my enthusiasm with those guys. I didn't want to deal with any of them." Ian grinned showing his satisfaction with what I was saying. He's always hated my friends. "No, Ian, it sucks. Those guys make up my team! Without them I'm not a part of anything and football is just a sport I play that has no meaning. Why would I play alongside guys I can't stand? It takes away from the game." "You play because you love to play. Not because of the guys you play with." "No, E. Those guys are my team... I can't win without them and I don't want to win with them therefore I have nothing." I sighed and shook my head as the words sank in. "I don't want to play anymore," I said dully, "Fuck the play-offs. Fuck everything." "Babe I think you're overreacting," Ian said gently "No... I'm really not. I love football for two reasons, Ian. One because I'm great at it and two because I'm a part of a team... and I'm not a part of the team anymore. Fuck those guys." "What did they do? Why do you all of a sudden just hate them?" "You know all of them, Ian, they're bastards. I got along fine with them when I was just as ignorant and childish, but I can't stand them anymore. All they care about is sex and football and making fun of people for a good laugh. Ugh, I just can't fucking stand them." Ian smiled and rubbed his hand over face again. "But now all I have is you. And even though you're all I want it's a sad and hurtful reality. God, Ian, I'd die without you." He continued to smile and I smiled along with him as I watched his face turn red. "But then again, I wouldn't have this problem if it weren't for you. I'd still be acting like a jackass with all my buddies." "I'm sorry for bringing out the best in you and causing this problem," Ian joked. I smiled. "I never wanted this to happen. I enjoyed how big of an ass you use to be." "I love you," I said honestly. "Do you?" my brother asked, smiling. I nodded. "Good, because I love you too." I moaned and leaned into my brother, pressing my forehead against his, then said, "I don't know what I'm going to do now though." "Do you really think everything is fucked?" I was hesitant to respond. I didn't know how to answer that. "Everything seems fucked, E. I mean, you get along fine without sports and being popular and girls hanging all over you, but I need those things." "No you don't, and Brian," Ian said, lifting off of me, "You can't just stop playing football because you don't get along with your team." "No Ian, I-" "If you do that then you're yielding to them. You're giving up something you love because of other people... you'd let them win." "How can I play with those guys? I don't want to put up with their shit anymore." "You play with them because you help them win. You're looking at in the wrong way. They are your team. You don't have to like them you just have to play with them because you guys win together. You're in the play-offs! You can't just stop playing, babe." I had no argument after hearing this. He was right. "Do you really want to stop playing?" "...No." "Then, dude, you gotta play!" Ian laughed I groaned, laughing a little. "Don't let them ruin the game for you and don't resent the fact that you have to play with them to win." "If I hadn't grown up with you, I'd question if you are really seventeen," I smiled. As I said this Ian and I heard someone fumbling to stick their key in the front door, so we leisurely pulled apart and looked straight ahead at the television. "Hey boys," dad said as he walked through the door. "Hey," Ian and I said tediously in unison. "Where's your mom? Upstairs?" "I dunno, I thought she was with you," Ian said without taking his eyes off the TV. "Nope. I haven't seen her all day." "You've been working?" I asked, and chuckled to myself because I knew that was in fact not what he had been doing on a Saturday from morning to ten at night. Well, I guess it does take a little work to have good sex. Bastard. "You know it, champ... what are you two doin'?" dad questioned plopping down on the love seat perpendicular to the couch. "Watching TV," Ian said Dad looked at the television for awhile then over at Ian and I, then back at the TV, and then to no surprise to me and my brother he slapped his knees and go up as he said, "Well, I better get out of these clothes. It's been a long day." I nodded and watched my dad rise. As he walked away, I said, "Hey dad!" "What's up?" he said, turning around. "I made the play-offs. We beat Westerville tonight." "Oh God, son! That's terrific! That is just... I'm so proud of you. You're doing well, Bry. You're doing very very well." I smiled falsely and said, "I'm glad you're proud." "Definitely! Definitely... wow," he nodded. I could tell he felt obligated to give me a hug or something but that was way too awkward for him. Hug his son? Nah, he couldn't do something like that. That would make him a father. "Just thought I'd let you know." "Terrific. I'm happy for you. You're doin' good." I nodded and looked away from him, giving him a chance to make his exit, which he did. "Let me know when your mom gets home," he shouted to us as he climbed the stairs. "He's a fuckin' prick," I said under my breath. "He didn't know about the game, Bry," Ian responded. "You shouldn't defend him all the time, E. You don't know-" I stopped myself and quickly said, "You can't tell me you think he's a good father to us. He's never fuckin' here." "I never said he was. I just don't think you can be mad at him for not knowing you won tonight. He didn't even know you were playing!" I shook my head. "You don't tell him anything! You honestly treat him like shit." I laughed "You don't treat him like shit?" Ian challenged me "He is shit, so I guess I do," I said harshly "I'm not defending him... he IS never here, but we try with him as much as he tries with us." "Ian please... let's discount the fact that he's never here. I'll just work with the fact that when he IS here he doesn't show any interest in us at all. What did he just do, Ian? He walked through the door, sat down for two minutes then quickly got up and left. That is reason enough to treat the bastard like shit." After I spoke, Ian looked at me with an expression that told me he was trying to think of a way to refute my cruel words about our father. When he came up short I said, "You have to stop defending him and making up reasons for why it's okay that he is never around and he's never involved in our lives. It's not okay and I stopped waiting for him to treat me like his son a long time ago." "You make him out to be such a horrible person." I shrugged. He is a horrible person in my opinion. "You give him no credit. If he didn't give a shit about us he wouldn't still be around. He works a lot and when he comes home he's tired." "Ian, Jesus... how can you be so smart about everything else but so dumb about this?" I said sadly, "He is not working. He's fucking around on mom." The words left my mouth faster than I could stop them. I didn't mean to say it and I didn't want to say it, but I was angry. I couldn't allow him to take up for our father. It was sad and pathetic. "What?" Ian asked, but I knew he heard me "It's true. With Kathryn." Ian's face contorted into a look of both shock and anger. "Just so you boys know, you mother is at a Debbie's! I just called her!" dad shouted from upstairs I looked up towards the stairs momentarily then back at my brother who was still staring at me. He was wearing a pained expression then and he looked like he might cry. "Hey hey," I whispered moving to him, "We've cried enough tonight. Don't cry over him, Ian." "Are you kidding me?" he hissed, distress and anger ringing in his voice as he spoke the words. "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be hurt and I just-" "How the hell do you even know?" "Well, she called here and..." my voice trailed off as I looked at my brother who was breaking to pieces in front of me. What a fucking night. "Ian don't get upset..." "I gotta get out of here. I can't be in this house with him," he said quietly and stood up from the couch. I stood up with him and followed him to the door. "I'll drive," I said when I saw him grab his keys off the table by the living room door. Ian didn't argue with me; he opened the door and walked to my jeep, leaving me to lock the door behind us. To Be Continued...