Skip – Part 22
"Ready and willing, Andrew. When?"
The surgeon's scalpels make incisions. Billy bleeds. I bleed more—much more, because my incisions are deeper. My surgery is very complex, with Billy's only a bit less complex. Any surgery holds risks. Billy did not enter this lightly.
We talked in depth the night before we went to Boston.
"You sure you want to give up a kidney. Maybe someday, it won't necessarily be a spare."
"I'm sure, love. You have to have a healthy kidney. Choices are few."
"I could wait, if I had to."
"No. You couldn't."
"For a while."
He shakes his head. He is done arguing with me. I concede. Blood in my urine and stabbing heat in my lower back says he is right.
During the morning, my heart flatlines.
Surgery happens on June 3rd. Billy is relieved of one healthy kidney, an organ the size of one's fist. His surgery is from 7:30 a.m. until past 10:30 a.m. He is in recovery for two hours and is taken to his room in ICU, where Skip, David, and Sam are waiting. Betsy and JD arrive after a light lunch to settle in for the afternoon.
My surgery starts at 9:45 a.m., as soon as Billy's kidney is ready for me. I am put under at 9:15 a.m. and watched.
My heart needs to be restarted during surgery; the beats became irregular and I flat lined. They had to engage the defibrillator twice. Andrew is, again, an active part of my life. He had known the surgery would be hard. He told the team to be ready for any eventuality, including what did happen. We had worked to make me stronger, and it did help, but my heart gave out anyway. The surgeon works hard and skillfully. Andrew talks to me as if I am awake and can answer him back. [Note: there is a theory that says people under anesthesia can still hear what is going on in the operating room. I did hear Andrew talking to me, or at least recognized his voice. I think because all my senses were heightened due to my heart. I do not recall that I experienced this with other surgeries.]
I am brought to the recovery room at 2:30 p.m., and then to ICU for the next five days.
David comes to sit with me. He takes my hand and talks to me.
"I'm sorry it was so hard on you. You're safe now. Billy is doing well. He obviously loves you more than I ever could. I can't hold you close, yet, but can you feel my hand? Do you know that I love you? Do you know that ... that you love me, Aaron?"
"He can. And he does. He loves you dearly, and he knows you love him very deeply. Believe it, son."
The voice belongs to JD. He sits beside David and takes his other hand. He holds it in both of his.
"Love is strong with your bro, David. He is sedated because the pain will be terribly hard. What he feels, and how he loves you, is deeper than his consciousness. You already know that."
David nods. He is human nonetheless. He cries. JD holds David close and lets him work it out for himself.
"Too much pain for this young man, JD. Too much."
"Yes. And no."
"What?" David says, looking sharply up at JD.
"Aaron feels deeply, which is why he loves so deeply. He fears more for you boys than he ever will for himself. It's older vs. younger, in its truest sense, even though the age difference means nothing to all of you. There are times when he is your Dad. You know that feeling. It's better than the best sex you've ever had."
"It is. I know his love. And ... the sex."
"Yeah he's showed you the sex, too, the physical connection to his heart and soul. He'll show you again, you know. He has to."
"Why don't you care about that—that we fuck?"
"So do I, David. But is that all you do?"
David shook his head. "Of course not. No more than it's just a fuck for you. You and Betsy made two of the best boys in the world, and equal to Aaron. It's still new to me though."
"Then why should I care? I do care—only that you feel the love that is behind the sex. You love deeply, as Aaron taught you. You need to feel that for Sam, so Sam can be your true brother. All things for a reason."
"Not all things, Jason. Why did Aaron have to lose Kate? And his only true wish in his whole life—a son."
"So that he can love you. Sam, Jake and Jeremy, Kenny—all the boys. And so you all can have a meaningful life. So there is no hate, no gay/straight bullshit. To hold you in his heart, for his life. So you can hold his hand in yours and tell him that he means the world to you."
"I'm not a replacement ..."
"No. You are not. You're better."
"Jason, I'm not. Not compared to someone he loved from the age of five years, for twenty-four years. And not compared to a son ..."
"... who would be about your age. Aaron loves you, not as a replacement, but because he cannot love just one. He is incapable of giving himself to only one. He and Skip made a commitment to each other, but that does not exclude any of you. He needs to love."
"Well, I do know that. Skip. And Billy. They should be ..."
"But they are not, so there is also you. And Sam."
JD thinks for a while. He looks into David's eyes, knowing that an off the cuff answer will not be enough.
"What will you do if you decide to love only Sam for the rest of your life?"
"I'll love him with my whole heart. I already do. I'll commit to him as Skip and Aaron committed to each other. In fact, I will do that at Christmas. I bought him a pendant like the boys have, with his birth sign."
"Before Aaron taught you more about love than most people will ever know, what was your destiny?"
"To find someone. Maybe to never find someone."
"A brother, but more. A lover and a friend. Forever."
"Your future is bright."
"What about Aaron's, JD? It's still going to be too hard."
"He has the moments he's in. That's all he will ever have. And ever want."
"They are painful."
"I want to take it away."
"Then learn to be a great doctor, or scientist. A researcher, perhaps. Find a better way for a man or a woman to have surgery. Better yet, find a way to make surgery unnecessary."
"So was a trip to the moon, when I was a child."
"I guess. I need Henry, though. He's better at this than I am."
"Together you're brilliant. But there," he said, motioning to me, "is your inspiration. There is none better."
"Billy too, of course. Billy made a large sacrifice, one that I could not make."
"I think you could, if you had not had cancer too. That's enough of a sacrifice. But Billy will fare much better than Aaron will. Aaron is in for a hell of a ride."
"What do we do, Jason?"
"You tell me."
David stands beside me. He lowers the side rail on my bed. He takes off his shirts. JD helps him by taking off David's sneakers and socks. He takes off his shorts, leaving himself in boxer briefs. JD pulls back the covers. David sits, puts his feet under the covers, and lays on his right side, facing me. JD covers David up and then kisses his forehead.
"Yes. That God bless you, son."
"He has, Jason. He gave me to capacity to love, and no one can take it away from me."
"I'm staying, too. Billy is well tended, so my place is here for you. What can I get you?"
"I have all I need sir. I'm glad you're here too."
JD kisses David's forehead, nods, and sits down. He continues to hold David's hand. He rubs his thumb across David's knuckles while staring off into space for a bit.
Ellie comes in at the start of her second shift. Aaron is in the house, so she will work double shifts. She will not tell David to get out of my bed. Since she is senior nurse on the shifts, no one else will tell him either. Ellie will bring David and JD drinks and sandwiches, and JD a blanket. She knows the routine with those who love me.
Three days later, Betsy and JD take Billy home to New Hampshire. He will remain in their care for at least four weeks. Skip brings me home to his parent's home eleven days later, two weeks after surgery. I too will be under twenty-four hour care, but longer than four weeks. There is love in this home, enough for all of us to go around, and then some. Billy and I spend the mornings sleeping in, sharing his old room. JD replaced Billy's double bed with two twins, for reasons of comfort, not to deter us from sex. I would not want sex now if someone offered me one bazillion dollars. I might do it for two bazillion. Skip bunks in his old room next door, but spends the days working. He continues to work for the same Cambridge-based contractor. They have assigned him a project in the next town from where we live. JD takes care of us in the mornings, Betsy in the afternoons, and Skip each evening. We are low maintenance, but I see any of the three checking in on us overnight.
"You should be sleeping my love. Are you in pain?" Skip asks, sitting beside me.
The bedside clock says 3:30 a.m.
"You should knock on my wall, love. You know I sleep light."
He went to the bathroom for water. He shakes two pills out of my bottle and holds my head up while I drink.
"But you need to sleep too, bro. I don't need twenty-four hour care."
"You do, for now. Look love, you're here for us to take care of you. It's not 9:00 to 5:00."
"Sshhhh. There are three very capable people in this house to take of you and Billy."
"Who also work eight to ten hours a day," I said.
"Who love you brilliantly, and will never want to see you in pain."
He lies carefully beside me. I fall back asleep in his arms. Why must I argue with him? I will lose every time. Love overrules sex, but love also overrules any worries I have.
Billy's scar is 7" long, on his right side. Mine is 11" long, also on my right side. It matches the long scar on my left side, seemingly making it easy to tear me in two. Just pull on the dotted lines. The new kidney sits below where my dead one used to be. The connections to the kidney are intricate. I have been reading about kidney transplants, indeed very much more complicated than a kidney removal like my first surgery. Billy's only need is pain relief. My need is two-fold; pain relief and getting my immune system to accept Billy's donation. The process is long and mind-numbing. Despite his intense love for me, my body wants no part of a foreign organ.
"I have to tell you, love," Billy says, "that getting my kidney is an amazing way to make me a part of you. However, it does not exclude my cock and especially my cum, understood?"
"Oh yeahhh. I understand. Hold that thought for a couple months. As much as I love you and your wonderful cock, you are the only thing I need for now."
"Yeah, I'll pencil you in a week from August. Maybe a week from September. I can go back to school, of course. What of our summer weekend at the lake for our bros?"
"We'll be ready, love, you especially."
"I'm not going if you can't."
"Planning it in my head is what's getting me through the day. Skip has a collection of email to bring us later. He said every single boy sent us greetings, as did Nate and Bryan, Edward and Kathryn, Michael, and Jimmy and Marissa. Andrew and Claire finally went back to Washington, but they sent an `I thought of you today' email." Those kind of email make my day.
"Excellent. Did I tell you yet that I love you?"
"Tell me. Please," I say to him.
"I love you with my heart and my soul. And my kidney, now yours."
"You sacrificed for me. I have nothing to give back to you that is as meaningful. How do I ..."
I thought about it for a few minutes. I looked into his eyes, across the space between us. It is a lot to promise. I would rather not lie.
"Okay Billy. I promise. It will be hard, love."
"The thing that is hardest to do is ..."
"... never to be done alone," I finished.
"Aaron's rule #2."
"What's Aaron's rule #1?"
"To live in the moments we're in. It's an unbreakable rule."
JD comes in with soup for us. Meals are light, but necessary. Neither of us has much of an appetite, so the food is rich. He sits on my bed.
"Don't trust us, JD?" I ask.
"I trust you to do what you can, and then a little more. Betsy will have my ass if I take back anything but empty soup bowls, so spare me that, okay?"
I laughed. "No comment about your ass, though I'm tempted."
"You love my ass, and who wouldn't. So do I, in one piece, so eat up."
"I'm about to score brownie points in the kitchen. Billy, will you split a grilled cheese with me?"
"Really. I need texture," says Billy.
"I'll put the order in. Be prepared to hold up against Betsy's kisses though."
Fifteen minutes, later Betsy arrives in our bedroom with just one grilled cheese, as requested, sliced corner to corner. She is positively beaming. We make all gone. She's very happy with her two boys tonight. Life is good.
"Does this mean your appetite is better?" she asks.
"Not really. But Dad says he likes his ass just the way it is," I say.
"Mmmm, so do I," she smiles and leaves.
"Oh boy, Dad is getting some," I said.
Billy nods enthusiastically.
"I really do love your folks,"
"So do I. However ..."
Billy carefully gets out of his bed and comes to lie beside me. We don't want to fuck. We couldn't fuck if we did want to. I don't even want to suck his cock. Well, scratch that. Of course I do. I would love to suck him off and make him cum in my mouth. Ain't gonna happen for a while, but if one is going to dream, one ought to dream large. We settle for cuddling.
Skip comes to check on us when he gets home from work. He finds us sleeping, with my face in Billy's neck.
"Hello loves," he says as he kisses us both awake.
"Hi. Take your cock out. It's at just the right height," says Billy.
Skip smiles, and then laughs. He whips out 7 ½" of man meat and feeds it to Billy and then to me.
"Wait a moment," he says.
He takes his cock out of my mouth. I pout. I kiss Billy to make up for the loss. Skip closes our door. He returns and puts his cock back in my mouth.
"Mmmm," I say.
I wrap my fist around his cock while I suck. I pass it to Billy but pull it back right away.
"Hey, no fair, tease!"
"Nope. Mr. Greedy is in the house."
I keep sucking Skip. Billy gets right in with me, so I give him some too. He sucks Skip as if he has been denied cock for months. We keep it up until Skip's breathing changes.
I suck three ropes of cum into my mouth and then pass Skip's cock to Billy quickly. He swallows the rest. I do clean up duty.
"Was it good for you," I ask Skip.
"Oh yeah. Loved it. You want payback?"
"Nope," we say together. "Not up to it. Getting you off is good enough," I say.
"I love you guys. Thanks for that. I owe you both."
"We'll collect, eventually," Billy says.
Billy and I soon realized that spending our first week at home in bed all day just plain sucked. We had a CD player and a remote, plus a remote for the TV, but daytime TV sucked worse than the pain in our bodies. As much as I love to read, I could do so for only four hours at a time. Then my brain went numb. On the downside of that complaint, getting out of this room, getting down stairs, and getting back up later would also suck, but a lot less than daytime TV. How long could one truly watch talking heads or even Yogi Bear?
"I got an idea, bro," I said. "You hold on to me and I hold on to you, while we each hold onto the walls. We go down the stairs on our butts if we have to."
"I'm all for it, bro. I can't take any more of this."
Billy sits up and then puts his feet on the floor. I do the same, a bit slower.
"This is gonna suck," I said.
"Yeah," he agreed, "and not the good way."
Billy stands up, holding on to the nightstand between the beds. I stand up and then I sit down again. I stand up again after a minute. We hold on to each other.
"What are you boys up to now?" said JD, coming in from work.
"I had an extreme urge to hug my Billy," I said without thinking about it. It is partially true.
"And when you're done hugging your bro?"
"Oh, we thought we'd venture downstairs," I said.
Billy rolls his eyes.
"I see. A nice little tour around the house?"
"Well, yeah, exactly. We sorta missed you too, and Betsy. And the kitchen sink."
JD chuckles. "Sorta? And you're missing the plumbing fixtures. Strangely enough, I can see that."
"Sit," he says to me. "Do you boys want to get dressed in more than your boxers?"
"Shorts," Billy says.
JD gets Billy's cargo shorts off the dresser and then helps him put them on. He unfolds my shorts and helps me into them as well. I hold on to him while he zips and buttons. I hug him tightly and kiss his cheek. He hugs me and kisses my cheek as well. I sit back down carefully, with help.
He picks Billy up and exits the bedroom. A couple of minutes later, he returns for me. He cradles me in his arms. I put my arms around him as Billy had done. I continue to have my weight problem, so I do not worry that I am heavy after JD carried Billy already.
"You don't weigh a hundred pounds, do you Aaron?"
I left it at that.
JD laid me in Billy's arms, between his legs. He kneels for a moment beside us. He kisses Billy and then me on our foreheads.
"Are you two going to behave for a while?" he asks.
I kiss Billy, and he returns the kiss just as lovingly.
"We will now. Probably."
"Ti amo, JD. Grazie. Spiacente di essere un dolore."
"I love you too, Aaron. You're welcome. You are not a pain."
"Dad?" says Billy. "You're aces. I love you, a lot."
"And I love you, my boy. What can I get for you?"
JD hugs Billy tightly. He looks into Billy's eyes.
"What you've done. It's beautiful, Billy. I don't know if I could have done such a wonderful thing."
"If you had to, you would, Dad. I know you. You give us love, and that's more than enough to ask for."
"You deserve love, boys. I'm still amazed by you both. Aaron, I'm glad it's you who loves my son."
"Your son is a selfless young man. If I love him, I am doing God's work, even if scripture disagrees."
"You are, and keep doing it. Scripture does not disagree—the homophobes do. I'm going to make you guys a salad, ok?"
"Yeah, thanks Dad."
JD makes us both a decent sized antipasto, so we could choose what we wanted. Billy and I ate the whole thing between us. Not eating what is offered up is insulting, so I ate. I could be insulting if I worked hard, but not to JD and Betsy. They love me as they love their own sons. That kind of love is a great honor.
Skip came home from work, kissed us both, and then hugged his dad.
"Lemme guess," he said. "They were about to jump ship, or at least the bedroom."
"Yup," said JD. "They were standing up and hugging each other, trying to figure out how to mutiny. It was obviously a work in progress."
"Your dad carried us both downstairs. We could have done it, but we'd still be on the stairs, maybe half way down by now."
"Can't say I blame you. I'll carry you each back up at bedtime. We'll bring you back down in the morning, if you're awake."
"Wake us," said Billy. "Another full day in my bedroom will be too much."
"A little cabin fever?" Skip asked.
"No. A LOT of cabin fever. You know me. Sitting still for ten minutes is my daily dose."
"I'll go over to your places after dinner and bring back some books. Reading gets you through a day easily enough."
"And I upgraded the cable to include the regional baseball package," said JD. "I'll print up the season's schedule."
"Wow, this healing process may be enjoyable after all. Maybe I'll sit still for more than ten minutes."
"Right, and maybe I'll sprout wings and fly like an eagle."
"I will if you will," I teased.
"I know you boys are antsy, bud. Your only job is to heal. If it's all right with you, I'd like to hold on to you for a while. It's just something I need to do."
"Nice. You okay with that, love?"
"Yeah, of course. Dad's cool, right?"
"Dad is cool indeed."
JD sits behind me and stretches out while Skip takes Billy to a chair and ottoman. He wraps his arms around me. He kisses my neck.
"Who taught who about that little kiss?" I said to JD, smiling.
"Like sons, like dad," he said. "I've seen how you hold on, and I know it has to be done right and good. Love deeply, and sincerely. I do, Aaron, love you deeply and sincerely."
"That is so nice to hear. I thought ... well, I didn't expect to hear that."
"It's easy to love you."
"And not so easy. It sucks that you have to worry."
"You are my only worry."
"Believe it, love," said Skip. "Dad doesn't know how to lie or be insincere."
I turn to look into his eyes. They are not lying eyes. They are eyes that he passed on to his sons.
"You make me proud to know you, Aaron. You go through your life taking one shot after another, hellish shots, but here you are, accepting what little I have to give you."
"Holding a person close, talking quietly, and showing love ... that's not anything little, JD. YOu holding me close, YOU talking quietly to me, and YOU showing love to me ... that's not anything little by a long shot, JD. I need to return it, to you."
He looks at me for a few moments. He nods. "Okay," as a whisper.
I kiss JD very warmly. He is as handsome as his sons are, of course. He's over forty, but not by much. He almost lost Skip, and then he almost lost Billy. He knows as much about the heart and about pain as any man alive, maybe more. I hold him as I hold the boys whom I love. I kiss him more deeply. It is sensual and soft, not sexual and hard. It is love that I know how to give, the only way I know how to give it. I cannot love half way. He kisses me back equally, something he has never done to another man before. I lay my head beside his. We search each other's souls. His is beautiful as any. He cries softly into my neck. I touch his cheek, and then put my fingers around the back of his head. I have to hold him so he loves me back. I've earned love. He has earned it as much. His sons almost died, and he almost lost me. It's a lot for a dad to take in. This is why he cries now. It is awful to think about. He also cries because we are here and he is grateful, and finally relieved. He's infinitely proud of Billy. I hold him so he can get the worry out of his system. It is just something he needs to do, finally. This is how we live in the moments we are in. A person MUST live in the moments he or she is in. We cannot live in the past. We cannot hope for tomorrow. Tomorrow may not be better than now.
The tears dry in time. He looks at his sons. They hug and then kiss.
"This is what we do, Dad. We love each other. When Aaron came into our lives, it just got better."
JD's eyes are red. I wipe a tear off his cheek. "Are you okay?"
"I am now," he says. "I just put the past in the past. I know my boys are okay. I don't know you are, yet. I'll help you live."
"It's not easy. The road is long and tiring."
"Maybe, but It's also full of adventure. Look what you've done with the adversity that's been given to you. Your success is outstanding. Sshhhh, lemme finish. You know it is. Thirteen boys in Billy's dorm know absolutely what love is. Look at Sam ..."
"Billy saved Sam," I interrupted.
"No bro," said Billy. "The ideas of how to help him started with you, and well before you even knew the boy."
"Without you to give him that first break, by not turning him in, you gave him something he needed."
"Yeah, and he paid me back by bringing a knife to school."
"You took it away from him. Patrick threw it in the reservoir. You rescued him from the basement. He was going to run, but to where?"
"And you made love to him," countered Billy.
Sigh. "WE saved Sam," I said. "I don't do anything on my own."
"You got all the boys' parents to help him stay in school. You gave him $40,000 so far and you're still giving."
I could not fight that. I did that, because Sam wants and needs loves. Those are the only two reasons I love Sam. I know how to love him.
"And he loves you, Aaron," said JD.
"Are you in my head, like your elder son?"
"No. You're just in my heart. It's not hard to know how you think, or what you think about."
"Right now I'm thinking about ..."
"I know," said JD. "Thank you for that."
He holds me again, proving that he knows what is on my mind.
Betsy comes home to find us watching a ballgame with our eyes closed.
"Okay, so what's the score? Anyone?" she says.
"Red Sox are leading 11 to 9 in the bottom of the eighth," I say, eyes still closed.
She stands and checks the score. How can four men watch a ballgame with their eyes closed and keep up?
"I will never understand you all, and men in general."
"You are woman, hear you roar!" said Billy. "The only thing you have to know is that you are loved very much."
"Well, yes, there is that of course. Are you boys hungry?"
"I put a chicken in to slow roast two hours ago," said JD. "It's about done. Potatoes are ready to be smashed. I'll come and get veggies going."
"No, dear heart, you're fine where you are. I'll change and finish off dinner."
Despite that, JD and Skip puts me in Billy's arms, kisses us both, and head to the kitchen. When Betsy comes down stairs again, she takes the glass of wine that has been left for her on the table beside Billy and me.
"Sit down with us, Mom. We missed you today."
"Awww, Aaron, you just made my day."
"Oh boy, I guess I can stay another day," I said, laughing.
"Seriously, how is the pain, boys?"
"It sucks, Mom," said Billy.
He had to tell the truth. Moms know.
"Yeah, but we're a couple hours from our next meds. We're okay though," I said.
"Will you want to eat in here tonight?"
"Nah, dining room is good," Billy said. "Too long in any one room is enough to drive us both nuts."
"Short drive," said a voice from the kitchen, either Skip or JD.
"Love you too, Dad. Wise ass," said Billy.
Even though Billy is healing nicely, and I am not, he stays with me at his folk's house. He reads all morning while holding on to me. I also read all morning, never getting enough of my books. Billy makes us lunch each day (Mom still makes us breakfast while JD or Skip carries me downstairs). We watch ballgames in the afternoon. I want to walk more each day, so Billy walks beside me as we go to the kitchen to make dinner. Mom will not have to lift anything but a fork each night. We even do the cleanup. Skip or JD carries me back upstairs each night by 10:00. We start all over at 6:00 a.m.
"Why are you bummed that you're not healing like me?"
"I have stuff to do. Laying around sucks, and the more I try, the more the pain drives me down. I'm sick of this. It's been six weeks. You're back to normal."
"I had my kidney taken out and then they me patched up. You had my kidney put in and then all the plumbing was reconnected. That's intense. You still have cancer. It's better, but it's there. You are not me, nor am I you, so just let me take care of you. Please?"
"I know all that, but ... shit. Yeah, you can take care of me. I know I'm not there yet, but I will be. We three are going away again before school starts. How does Maine sound to you?"
"Awesome. But for now, just let me love you."
"All right. How's your dick, as if I can't feel it poking my back."
"Same as yours, hot and hard-on boy."
"I have my favorite number in mind."
We get into a sixty-nine, undo our shorts, and suck each other. It is past lunch and no one will be home until after 5:00, except maybe Skip. Goodie, then he can join us. If not, we would take care of him tonight. I want to watch Billy fuck him, or vice versa. AND vice versa. Sure beats the hell out of a porn video.
After a long while of sucking, we both decide that we want cum in our mouths. There is one sure way to get it—the joy buzzer. I find his and poke it at the same time he pokes mine. One of the guys, Sam or David I think, called it the `instant cum button'. It is. We fill each other's mouths with creamy ribbons of hot cum. I swallow his as he swallows mine. I love Billy inside of me any way that I can get him there. He tastes sweet and I love him profoundly.
I lay beside him, facing him, once we pull our shorts back up.
"Do you know that I love you?"
"I think you might have told me once or twice. I'm not sure I've ever told you I love you, too."
"A time or two. You're shy though. I want to get you over that shyness."
He laughed heartily. "I love you, Aaron. I love you enough to try to give you life. I don't know how ..."
"Sshhhh," I said, putting my fingers over his lips. "You do everything right. You let me in when you figured you loved only Skip. Even then, you took no love away from him."
"How do we do that? I never think about it really," he said.
"That's how. Just by doing it, not by thinking about it. It's not rocket science to love someone deeply. Some people find it hard enough to love one person. They try too hard. It's the very simple things—holding on, kissing, talking, being together, being kind, and thinking about our mate and not ourselves. It comes around, so we get the love we give."
"And you tell me that you love me. I don't have to wonder. Will we be together forever?"
"Dunno. Don't care yet. I want only now."
"Okay. But ..."
"Sshhhh, no worries. Kiss me."
He kisses me just the way I love him to. I return the kiss. The door opens. Someone comes in and waits a moment. We keep kissing because it's too good to stop. JD kneels beside us and kisses us both nicely.
"Normally I would never butt in on something so sweet, but you can't keep that to just yourselves anyway."
"Thanks Dad, I like it."
"Yeah, me too," I said.
He kisses our foreheads, takes our juice glasses, and goes to the kitchen. He returns with full glasses for us and then goes upstairs to shower and change. He had smelled musky, so he was obviously building today. Skip will smell the same way when he comes home. I like the smell as much as I like clean and fresh.
"Let's put this on hold and go get dinner ready for Mom," I said.
Billy holds on to my waist. I hate being so weak for so long. I feel like I'm ninety. It's not going to get much better very fast. The ache is deep.
"Sorry bro, I need a pee break first," I tell him.
I take a leak in the hallway bath while he holds on to my waist. He tastes a small drop of my urine.
"I really wish you could be better, love. Your urine is too dark and it doesn't taste right."
"Between all the meds and the infection, I'm not surprised. Soon, love. No worries."
We continue to the kitchen. Billy pulls out pork chops for the grill. I finish off the potatoes that we boiled at lunchtime, turning them into potato salad. I add my `secret' ingredients—small dices of cucumber and thinly sliced radishes.
Skip comes in while we work on dinner. He has cannolis from our favorite bakery in town. He gives me a nice tight hug and sweet kisses.
"Hey bro, save some of that for me too," said Billy, coming in from outside.
"Does your breath taste like cum too, bro?"
"Finest kind," Billy said.
Billy and Skip kiss. I could come in my shorts again just by being held while they kiss. Sigh. Actually, Skip could come in his shorts knowing that Billy and I came in each other's mouths. We'll make sure he gets off later. Or maybe a little pre-action is in order. I unzip his jeans and pull out his cock. I kneel and suck him for a few minutes. I'm surprised to get a nice load of cum in my mouth.
"Well, guess you needed that pretty badly. Why don't you say so?"
"Because I know you'll take care of me, like you just did, love."
It is nice enough to eat outside, so Skip and JD set the table while Billy and I finish dinner. I make a large pitcher of iced tea. The cannolis are in the fridge, chilling to perfection. Today's weight check put me at 97 pounds. I have to have seconds on everything—darn it. <grin> I guess I should not be so cavalier with my attitude; I'm half the weight I should be. Scrawny no longer described my scrawny ass.
The mid-summer long weekend party at the lake happened in late summer instead. Not one of the boys was willing to party without Billy and me there to have and to hold. The first Friday in August brought twenty of us together at JD's lakeside fishing cabin. The eighteen included Patrick and Sam with Skip and me, Alex and Kirk, and the 14 dorm mates. The first thing every guy did when he exited cars and SUVs is came a running to kiss me.
"Aaron, man it is sooo good to see you!" said Henry. He throws his arms around me and picks me up, kissing me all over my face. He cradles me in his arms while the other boys come and kiss me too.
The second annual event was filled with a million pounds of food (well maybe a few hundred), hours of playtime in the water, hiking and biking, campfires, sleeping bags, and cuddling, holding and loving.
"I've missed you so much, Aaron," said Sam.
We are lying quietly together away from the other boys for now.
"I need you, buddy. Could you be inside me? You know ...," he says.
"Yes, love, I can. I want to, same as you."
I take off his t-shirt and shorts. He takes mine off, and then we sit close together, crotch to crotch. I reach down and play with Sam's cock, getting him nice and hard. It is still too soon for me to be fucked. My innards are not healed, but my dick has a little mind of its own. Sam asked me so sweetly and innocently that I could not say no to him.
"Are you okay? I think I'm selfish."
"Yes I am okay, and no you most decidedly are not selfish. You've been Aaron-ized. You know only love and a little lust."
I slide my cock inside of Sam from behind. I hold him tight to my chest. He feels so good in my arms. I did not fuck Sam. I pulled him into my soul for as long as he could stand to be there. Okay, so it did mean fucking him too, but physical connections have to be made.
"I love you Aaron. I was a nutcase the day you and Billy had surgery. David practically had to hold me down because I was so antsy. My back hurt so bad that day. That's nuts, but it did."
"It's not nuts, bro. It's you wanting to take my own pain away, into yourself. You're stronger than me, so you could take it."
"I'm a wimp compared to you, and I'm not the only one who says that. All the guys know your strength is legendary. If it was not, you would not be here to make love to me."
"Am I good enough? Do you love me for more than this?"
"You're my friend, Aaron, my buddy, and you would be even if you could never make love to me again."
"I want to make love to you so you know I care about you, a lot."
"Take your cock out of me," he said, seriously.
"Okay. I'm sorry."
He turns to me, massages my cock, and kisses me so softly that I could cry.
"I don't need this," rubbing me a little more, "for you to love me, and for me to love you. I need what's in here."
He touches my heart with his hand and then kisses my chest.
"For you to slide your cock inside of me is something special, but it's not all I want. I want you to love me forever."
"As much as I can promise that, I will. You are in my heart every day, and I thank God that you came into our lives, and mine especially."
"It was awful how I came into your life," he says. "I'll never forgive myself for wanting to hurt Billy. If I had ..."
"Sshhhh. You came as a needful and hateful young man. I have forgiven you. Billy has too. The need overrode the hate. If you really wanted to hurt Billy, you would have."
"I did want to. I really thought I could. I did not want to be gay."
"But I let you fuck me. I gave a guy on campus a blowjob ... more than once. I liked it, too. And I love David."
"Say that last part again."
"And I love David."
"Say it again."
"I love David."
"How is that gay?"
"A man loving a man."
"Love is NOT gender, bro. Sex is something that everybody loves."
"I also love Billy. Skip makes me cry because he looks like David. Those scars. Sometimes that's all I see ... those scars. David understands why I cry. And I love you. How is that NOT gay?"
"Do you want only to fuck and be fucked?"
He thought about it, and then he smiled in a non-Sam-like way.
"Me too, as if that surprises you. But if I cannot fuck, or cannot be fucked, I will still have the love that I crave more. Much more."
"I'm not a label," he said, thinking about it more.
"Your depth beyond any label is profound."
"Is that why you love me?"
"Yes. And because you want and need love."
"And what about you?"
"I need nothing. I have all I could ever want."
"Will I be that way when I'm old like you?"
He smiled because he said it softly and seriously. I am older than Sam is, but not old enough to let him get away with that.
"Smart ass. I'm gonna fuck you so you know I'm at least as young and studly as you are."
I put my cock back inside him while I put his legs over my shoulders. I get up on the balls of my feet so I could plow his ass deeply. I know he is into it when he finally releases the moan that he is holding in. He grabs my neck and pulls himself up to kiss me. I give him my all and then I give him my hot load of cum inside of his very tight little ass. Yeah I lust him, but I also get love from him. He looks at me when I'm done coming.
"Am I good enough, for you?" I ask.
"Am I worthy enough, for you?" he asks.
"I asked you first. I need to know how you love me."
"I love you deeply."
"Because you're Aaron."
"Yes, you are a very big deal. Aaron is love and love is Aaron. The perfect equation."
"I love you. That's amazing, considering my past. I don't want you to die."
A tear fell onto his cheek. I kissed it away.
"Not today. I repeat, am I worthy enough, for you?"
"You are perfect. And then some. You are my beautiful young man, forever."
"Wake up sleepy head boys, dinner is ready," David said, coming to get us.
Dinner is grilled chicken, beans, and whoopee pies made by Kate and also by the twin's mom. We have cases of soda in ice chests. No beer. The guys did not want the buzz. We created our own. They also had no desire to get us older guys in trouble should the local constabulary show up.
The current day's activity is a ballgame. Billy and I are team captains since neither of us can participate yet. Also because I cannot hit the broad side of a barn. When I do run, I run like the wind, but that entails hitting a ball first. Softball gives me only a slight edge over baseball. My best sports are basketball and soccer.
I told Billy to pick his team, and then I would take the rest. He does it as fairly as possible, knowing the strengths and weakness of his mates.
He chooses Jerry, Kenny, Jeremy, Brian, Jessie, David, Patrick, Skip, and Alex.
My team is Ste, Henry, Jake, Paul, Greg, Vincent, Matt, Sam, and Kirk. I do have nine very fine young men.
"Let's have something interesting to play for," I told the teams.
"Losers buy the winners dinner in town," said Jake.
"Okay, that's got some good potential," I said.
"Jeremy and I also think that the losers should jack off the winners," said Jake.
"Well, I dunno. Alex and Kirk haven't been part of that before," I said.
"Yeah we have," said Kirk. "We have had a few times with the boys in their dorm. It was nice to be part of. I'm game for that. Alex?"
"Count me in."
"Guys? Any objections? Don't be shy about saying it's too much."
"I'm good. Yeah, let's do it. It's cool," and other likewise sentiments echoes amongst the boys.
"You surprise me," I said.
"Aaron, love, we're not shy around each other. You already know we have jack off contests in the shower," said Kenny.
"Okay guys, I got only one thing to say. Play ball!"
Jake grabs Jeremy's balls.
"No no, bro, not `play with balls!' Geez Louise," I joke.
The boys take to the field. Billy's team is up to bat first. They play their hearts out. Some are great at hitting, while others are awesome fielders and runners. There are some outstanding plays during the afternoon. Kenny, even with his short statue made multiple double plays. David is a power hitter, scoring three home runs. The guys in the outfield save from getting two more. Paul steals two bases. Jerry runs as I do, fast!. Alex is another outstanding hitter. If he hit the ball, he made the base. He also hit a homer.
The rivalry is intense, as is the comradery amongst all of them. For example, when David made his third home run, all the guys around the bases patted him on his back and cheered him on. There are no million plus dollar salaries and bazillion dollar endorsements on the line. There is life to live right now. We twenty knew how to do that. Skip steals three bases during the afternoon, and almost takes one more until he is tagged by Matt.
At the end of the afternoon, the score is quite amazing: 17 for Billy's team, to 15. That is better than the Red Sox last three games. Money, money, money vs. living profoundly. Too bad the MLB commission doesn't teach that. I'll take being a jack off buddy to being a millionaire any day. I do not chase money, only love.
We head back to home base and change into swim trunks so we can swim to cool down for a while. There is a lot of horseplay in the water. The boys get up on shoulders and push each other around. We do everything short of trying to drown each other.
"Okay guys, let's get down to the reward," I say. "Billy's A-Team, get nekkid. Aaron's All-Stars, lube up those palms boys and do our buddies justice. No wasting cum either, okay?"
"Hell no. It's too good to waste," says Paul.
We pair up. I settle in between Alex's slender legs. Alex is a slim brunet boy with brilliant green eyes. He has freckles on his nose. He looks like the cute boy next door. He is not shy, but he is not as outgoing as I am. (I am definitely an extrovert). His cock is identical to Billy's, 7 ½" long and slightly thicker than my own. He is uncut. I show him my cock to show that I am also uncut. He smiles.
"I don't know many uncut boys," he says.
"I grew up near the Canadian border. French boys are primarily uncut, like European boys."
"I like it because I don't have to buy lube. The guys let me use theirs if I want to."
"Me too. Just to let you know, bud, I don't like to waste cum. I want yours in my mouth."
"I'm used to that, too. It's yours, bro."
"So you're really okay with me jacking you off?"
"Yeah. I've missed you. You don't know it, but I think about you a lot. I want to be like you when I grow up, Aaron. Seriously."
"I was hoping you'd want something better than that."
"Ain't no better than that. You are a beautiful young man. I'm not half the man you are."
I start to stroke his cock as we talk. I notice that all the boys are talking. The general consensus is that they have missed each other. They have paired up with those that they have not seen for a few weeks, whom they do not live nearby.
"Don't put yourself down, love. You are a very fine young man. I know what you've done within the gay community in Boston. I am extremely proud of you. You are a favorite in that office because you display a very kind and sincere heart."
"If I do that, it's because of Billy, and you of course. Billy forgave me and Kirk for ..."
"We all did. It's in the past. Sam is a formidable figure. I'm glad he's abandoned his dark side."
"We all have one you know."
"I do know. We cannot experience good if we do not know what bad is."
"I love you Aaron. You should know that."
He reaches down to touch my cheek. He looks into my eyes. I move up to him and kiss him on his lips. I stroke him slowly and smoothly, more in the background than I thought I could. I do like his cock in my hand. I'm anticipating his hot load in my mouth and belly. But this is not to be rushed. I want Alex to feel that I care about him, and to feel his cock hard and throbbing in my touch.
"I know that now, Alex. Thank you for loving me. I expect to return that love to you. I would like to sleep with you tonight, since you chose me to be your partner for this."
"Yeah. It's what I'd like too. By the way, what you're doing feels very nice. I usually jack off faster, but your touch is just right. You okay with my cock?"
I suck him for a couple of minutes to prove that I am.
"I'm not going to last long if you keep that up. Make me come last, after all these guys. I, uh, kinda want bragging rights. I hope that's not dumb."
"No, it's not. Can we keep talking, or do you want to close your eyes?"
"No, keep talking. I know a lot about you. Tell me something that I don't know."
"My deepest wish, one that I probably won't reach, is some day to be a paramedic. I want to help people. I don't think there's a better way to do that."
"If you want something badly enough, you'll have it. It's the way of the world."
"I could be disqualified, for medical reasons. I'm not very strong, as you can see."
"You have a heart. You know intimately what people need. You know suffering and about death. Could you hold someone in your arms who is dying, and give him or her peace?"
"You didn't even think about that answer, Aaron. How can you know, so confidently?"
"Because I've done it."
"Was it hard?"
"Only on me. The boy who died had injuries from a car accident. I was in a car a few feet back when I saw he and his mom get hit by a truck. The driver was speeding. She died right away. He was not going to survive, so I held on to him and talked to him until he died. He was not afraid. I cried like a baby. It was my first time seeing death. He and his mom were friends of our family in my hometown. I was the one to tell his dad what happened. I stayed with him until after the funerals. I went back to college and the town's people took care of him."
"You will be a very fine paramedic, not just in the dying, but also in the helping to survive. Aaron, I am humbled by you."
"But I am. You won't change that. Look at you, what you're doing to me. I'm not going to come because of you just playing with my dick. I'm going to come because you're playing with my dick better than I can, and you are showing me what it's like to be with you specifically. I chose you over the other guys because I want to be inside your heart for even a few minutes."
"It doesn't have to be for just a few minutes. You can be my friend for the rest of your life if you want to. I can teach you things, and you can teach me too. It's why you're Alex and I'm Aaron—two souls."
"Yours is better than mine."
"You're wrong. I'll show you that in time."
We hear some of the guys getting close. Alex and I watch as the guys start shooting their loads. The partners are jacking and sucking, getting the cum into their mouths. When they are all drained, Alex clears his throat so the guys watch us. I stroke him in earnest.
"Last man standing, boys," he says, smiling at his mates.
He watches me jack him for another minute.
"Okay, love, I'm going to come. Yeah, oh yeah, unhhhh. Unnnnhhhhhhhh!"
I put his cock into my mouth and swallow his sweet cum. He fires off seven hard ribbons into my mouth.
"Wow! I've never come like that before. Holy crap!"
I laugh aloud, pleased to see him so horny and throbbing.
"You do realize," Alex says, "that you're gonna have these guys lined up for this."
"And I would never complain," I said, smiling. "I happen to really love hot cock."
I move up and take him into my arms. I smile while I watch his face, his beautiful eyes.
"And you, too, bro. I can be good to you because you said you love me. I can love you back, as much."
"I don't see how," he says. "I feel very strong emotions for you. I could become a stalker, the way I think about you so often."
"Welcome to that club, Alex," said Patrick. "It's how Aaron makes us feel. Skip too, to be honest. There are times I hate being apart from them."
"We're not that far away, guys. If you want to visit in New Hampshire on the weekend or holidays, call me. Or we can meet in Boston. Skip and I will still come to see you on campus."
"What about the in between times? I don't want something to happen ..."
"Awww, love, don't worry," I said.
By this time, we had all sat in a circle close together, holding each other. I sat behind Alex, wrapping my arms around his chest. He holds my arms.
"I do worry," said Alex. "I know you're still rejecting Billy's kidney. What if ... what if you don't make it?"
"I will make it. No one is going to let me die. I have 24 hour care from Skip and his folks. I got you to love me, all of you."
"Is it enough?" Alex asked.
"Yes love, it really is. I got a reason to live and to fight 24/7. I do and I will. I have nineteen men in my life who love me deeply. How much better can it get?"
"Okay, I understand. But it doesn't mean I won't worry. I'm human, bro."
"And one of the finest there is. Love your bros here the way you do me. You'll never be alone."
He nods. He turns his head and I kiss him deeply. I put my head on his shoulder and hug him close. Kirk backs up to Alex, so Alex can hold him the same way. They kiss too.
"How is that?" I ask.
"Nice. Funny, but it doesn't take anything away from you. I have been friends with Kirk since we were young boys. I'm going to embarrass him by saying that we've jacked off together since we were 12 or 13. He knows he holds a special place in my heart. Our girlfriends think that the rest of the world should love the way we do. They know about you, Aaron. Their message to you is to keeping loving us."
"They're right, too. We all should. For now, we're up by twenty."
"You started it, don't forget," said Sam.
"With help. All you guys are so incredible at love. It means nothing to start something if it isn't carried on."
"You've done that, too," said David. "Sam is proof of that. Fourteen in our dorm became eighteen. You and Skip are at the epicenter of this love. I came to college for the same reason all of us did, and I'm walking away with the best friendships of my life."
"And a new brother," said Sam, kissing David.
"And a *beautiful* new brother," said David, kissing Sam back.
Sam, Alex, and Kirk look at Billy. They become sad for a few moments.
"I know what you're thinking," said Billy. "If Sam had not overheard Aaron talking to me in the library, where would you three be?"
Nobody says anything for a few minutes. They are thinking about not being part of this circle. This circle really is very profound.
"I would have half a life," said Kirk.
"I would not feel so deeply about anything," said Alex. "My grades would not be as good either. When we study, we don't do it half way. We learn so ... so you'll be proud of us, Aaron."
"I am very proud, love. 3.7 or 3.8 GPA? When you were a B student in high school? No one is stupid, but becoming focused takes time and effort. You needed a reason is all. I suspect that the boys draw you in and make learning less than an ordeal."
The current lowest GPA amongst these boys is a 3.6—several of the boys hold that. Several more, including Henry and David, the pre-med students, have a 4.0, as does Billy. Last year at this time, the lowest GPA was a 3.3. It's not the GPA that's important (well, you know), it's in how they are going to use that knowledge. There is no intolerance here, no haters, and no slouches. They live fiercely. They are men on a mission. The mission is to reduce the hate. Hate won't be stopped, probably not for centuries, but one heart within a caring young man or woman means the world to those who would be oppressed.
It is getting late, so we decided to take Jake's other suggestion about dinner. Skip recommended a steak house that his dad took the family to a few times. The `losers' had no problem buying the `winners' a good meal. Billy and I, as usual, will also leave the tip.
We sit and watch the sun set over the lake, diving into the tree line. This time, Alex holds on to me from behind, and I hold Kirk. The boys know that I like to give my attention to them all. Whom we hold on to just depends on who is closest to us when we sit down. There are enough boys and enough hugs to go around. No one is left out—these boys love each other brilliantly. Alex gravitated to me today, so I give him the love he wants from me. Having held on to me today, he will feel more confident with the other boys tomorrow—he sees that I did not reject him, which I could not do, to anyone. He sees my acceptance, into my arms, not just into my circle, as acceptance into other arms. He will have plenty of friends to hold on to him at school.
"You have three weeks before school starts again. I want to visit you guys in mid-September. I'm looking for someone to be with me for my first chemo."
"I want to come for you," said Patrick. "Could you take two of us?"
"Sure. Lots of times the guys come in twos."
"I'd like to come with Patrick," said Kenny. "I won't have any Friday classes this semester. You know chemo is Thursdays Patrick?"
"I do now. I have a Friday afternoon class, but I'll count on one of you guys for notes."
"It's not a walk in the park, guys, you ..."
"If you can take chemo for over three years," Kenny said, "then we can support you. I know you had one really bad time when the twins were with you, but we do know that it's cancer, bro. We'll do anything we need to."
"I'm not scared," said Patrick. "I love you, so what else am I going to do but show you, no matter how terrible it can be for you."
Sam hugged Patrick. "Nicely said, bro, it's what we all do. I love you, too, and I'm proud that you speak up."
"Sammy, you're the one who showed me the way."
"Maybe, but you let me. You could have thrown me out of our room, from the knife crap that I pulled."
"It's in the past Sammy. Can't live there, don't want to. I love you, bro, very much. I also know that I always will. Brothers love each other, take care of each other."
It is past 1:00 a.m. when we settle down. I get in front of Alex because he wants to hold me all night. He whispers in my ear.
"Thank you Aaron. It's awesome you brought us all together. It's been a long summer without most of my buddies. I've seen only Kirk since May. He's cool, of course, but, you know."
"I'm glad you came, too, bro. It's nice to make our friendship better. I liked that you were my partner today. Was it weird?"
"No. I loved it. Will there be, you know, other times?"
"Count on it."
"Nice. I love you bud. Sleep tight, okay."
"I love you too, bro. Hold me. I'll be okay."
He did. I loved all my boys. The rewards of my life are in boys like Sam, Alex, and Kirk. If every good person took one potentially bad person and gave him (or her) a life, it would not take those centuries for hate to die. This is the goal of our business; all of us helping even one more person, so there is no Bad Sam, Bad Alex, and Bad Kirk. So that there is caring for those around us, no matter who is around us. No young men sent to prison for eight years because he hates. There will be no parole for that boy either, thanks to the doctors and staff at MGH who took care of Billy. He will serve the full eight years. If he is released early, there will be hell to pay. Someone will be there when he is released, to bring him back into his life. I cannot imagine being 18 years old and in prison until I'm 26, and then coming into an unknown world.
On Sunday, we decide that there are really no losers in our world, so yesterday's `winners' get to jack off us `losers'. We went back to the hillside, which is secluded. The guys pair up the same as yesterday. That means that Alex gets to play with my cock. We did show restraint last night once we climbed into his sleeping bag. We held each other and kissed for a few moments before we fell asleep. We had wondered, privately, if this would happen today.
We `losers' got naked and lay on the blankets as our partners got between our legs.
"It's all yours, bro."
I made my cock twitch, since it is already hard. When Alex reached for it, I made it move out of his way. He tried again. And again.
"Okay okay, I know you've got talent, but please – gimme," he says, grabbing me.
I behave myself, for now. Alex seems to like my cock. He strokes it up and down, tip to base. He licks my head a couple of times because I did the same to him yesterday. He puts his tongue into the fold of my foreskin. It's about pleasure. I showed him what I liked yesterday and he remembers. I look up and down the line at all the guys. They are into this—all of them probably knew yesterday that there are no real winners and losers in playtime. Comradery counts, a lot, for these guys. Most guys who do not think the way we do would think that we're all gay boys looking to get off. Yeah we love getting off, but we also love being together.
"I know it's about your cock, for now, Aaron, but I want you to know every day that I love you, very much. This is playtime, so it's not proof. Well, maybe a little because I'm being good to you in one way, but it's a limited way. My brother would tell you that I was a nutcase the day of your surgery, and for Billy as well."
He leans closer to me and kisses me warmly. "You're going to be okay."
It is not a question. I, of course, believe him. My boys are not false or insincere. They do not say things they do not believe in their hearts, and they do not lie.
Alex wants to do what we did yesterday, to be the `last man standing'. It is going to be tough because the other guys do, too. Ideally, I would love to see us all come at the same time. Nine mouths on nine spurting cocks. I had better be careful because that thought will make me shoot a lot quicker than I want to. I should think only about Alex. That is easy enough to do. Alex is a very cute young man.
He also knows what he is doing because he has been watching all of the guys. Actually, they have all watched each other, timing things just right. Boys do know other boys well, and they know cocks. There will be no `last man standing' today. I feel my cum rise through my shaft at the same time I see Alex go down on my cock. I also see nine more boys shooting cum into nine more boy's mouths. I come hard because I know my mates all feel what I feel at this moment. My toes curl and I tingle all over. Alex swallows like a trooper. There is a lot of heavy breathing going on, and a fair amount of sweat. As we all come down from our quite intense orgasms, the boys who got us off move up to kiss us.
"Have you eaten cum in the past, bro?"
"Yeah. I eat my own because of, um, well, mom. She doesn't understand cum stains."
"No mom does, or very few. Mine did not either. I also hate to waste it. Is this your first time eating another guys cum?"
"Yeah. But I would do it again. It really is too good to waste."
After a while, we get into our swim trunks again and head for the water. After much horseplay, we get the fires going so we can have dinner. We get hamburgers and sausages going. I grill fresh corn on the cob. The boys dig out various things from coolers, making sure the cooks all have drinks. We settle down to eat, feeding each other food from our plates. Alex is spending time with Skip, while Henry settles down into my arms. I am feeding him pieces of vanilla cake with chocolate frosting, courtesy of Betsy. Later in the evening, he feeds me brownies that his mom made.
"I think so, but you can tell me anyway."
"I love you so much."
"Well then, I am a very lucky man."
"Nope. I don't believe in luck. I believe in blessings. You're the biggest blessing of my life."
"What about Tim?"
"Oh you know Tim is very special to me. But we both worry a lot about you. I know you have Billy's kidney and it should be okay, but you still got a hell of a fight to get through."
"I'm doing fine, you know that. Isn't being here enough?"
"No. You'd be here no matter what. It doesn't prove you're getting better, just that you are very stubborn. I want you to be well, for real."
"Today is as real as it gets, love, and today I am well."
"Oh Aaron, you know what I mean."
"I do. And what I mean is that you should not worry."
"But I do."
"Please don't. Please think good things for me. That's going to be more helpful. Future Dr. Henry, you need to know that. Don't worry about your patients. Care for them, so nobody needs to worry."
"In time. But now is not the time. If I let you go, you might die."
This is the universal concern for the boys. They do not see me every day. Out of sight is not out of mind, but they also do not know how I am day to day. It would be that way through the next two years of school and summers. This is why I went to visit often, and why we have these summer long weekends.
"Then don't let me go, Henry."
He holds me closer. I hug him so he feels me too.
"I do love you. Don't ever doubt me," he said.
"I won't. I love you, too, very much. Will you sleep with me tonight?"
"What about Alex?"
Alex heard. "No worries, Henry. I've monopolized poor Aaron enough."
"Uh uh! Don't say that, bro. I've had a very good time with you. Come over here."
Alex comes back to sit down with Henry and I. I take both boys in my arms. I pull both into a special kiss. Henry and Alex kiss, and they each kiss me again.
"There is room for all of you. Any amount of time you want to spend with me, it's yours. That includes when school starts again. I'm thinking about moving back into my Boston place so we can hang out more often."
"It would make you all feel better. I still need medical care at MGH too. Come to visit me? After you settle in?"
"I will," said Henry. "I'll need some of this, if that's okay.
Henry put his hand inside my jeans.
"You like that, do you?"
"Then you can have all you want."
"Really? Can I ... you know. Can I suck it?"
"Yes. You can."
"It's not just your cock, Aaron. It's you. The whole package. But inside my head, I like cock."
"Inside of mine, so do I."
"I'll tell Tim, ahead of time. I want him to know."
"Okay. If he has ANY reservations about you and me, then you have to follow what he says. Honestly, too."
"I don't lie, Aaron. What's the use? If he says no, then I won't. He knows the fears I have. You know why I want to suck your cock?"
"So if anything happens to me, I'll have good things."
"Yes. If you die, you'll know I love you, and want you to know pleasure. You've had more than enough pain. I'm trying not to brag here."
"It's not bragging that you know you can pleasure me. I want my boys to be confident. You are. It's a nice trait to have."
"I know it'll go no further than that. Billy and Skip get to handle the rest, and I won't ever take anything away from them."
"You don't need the rest from me. Keep the very best of you for Tim. He deserves you to be faithful that way. But every guy here will tell you that a blowjob is just fine. If I have to die, I do want to know pleasure. All of it."
"And love. More love than sex by a long shot. That's your rule."
"You know by now that my heart skips a beat when I look at you."
"Oh come on, Aaron. I'm not all that."
"Yes, Henry, you ARE all that."
"I just want to love you. Nothing more."
He kisses me very passionately, very warmly. He cries when he does. Me dying is something that he thinks about. Me dying is something I think about too. I can give him my cock if it'll make him close to me. For tonight, I'll hold him and take a little bit of the fear out of him. And me.
We packed up on Monday. The trucks and SUVs are loaded. We are ready to hit the road home.
"Aaron. Uh ... I ... will miss you, a lot. I want to see you soon," said Kirk.
"It's okay. Anytime you want to."
He gave me a great hug and a very warm kiss.
Alex did too. Then Patrick. Each had a tear in his eye. We are a little sad to go this time. That `we' includes me. I will miss these boys, and they will miss me. It's what we do, apart from each other.
Each boy steps up, one by one. Each one looks inside my eyes to see how I am. I am sad. So they kiss me deeply to pull some of it away. Sam holds me for a few minutes. He cries in my neck.
"Awww Sam, don't. I'll see you in a month. I got nowhere to go Labor Day weekend. We'll spend it on campus and in Boston."
"Okay. I love you Aaron. You should know that."
"I do know that. I love you as much, Sam."
Seventeen boys hug and kiss me as they would kiss their lovers. They are not embarrassed to do so, nor ashamed. They know not to do anything half way, especially loving someone else. They love me, and I love every one of them at least as much. They know it, and hold it close.
Skip, Billy, and I close up the house. We'll be back next summer. That is the absolute max that I will look ahead. Four days with my bros. Those four days mean the whole world to us all.
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