Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2023 08:49:56 -0500 From: Troy Subject: Re: That Special One Part 9 Thank you to all who responded – all comments welcome at lookatmenow.7283@gmail.com That Special one – Part IX By Troy M lookatmenow.7283@gmail.com Please consider donating to the nifty organization. Before walking away, I stopped hoping that he'd come out after me. But he did not. I just told him in so many words that he was in love with me and should just wake up and see it already. I probably should not have done that, but in the last 12 hours I've been told multiple times how he'd never survive without me, and that he's slept with guys and girls, he knew that Allison was going to say no. Why shouldn't I tell him what I did. It was good advice in my eyes – maybe cryptic, but good just the same. I did not believe that anything would come of it. I knew well enough that fairytales never happen. He wasn't going to come running out after me saying `be mine, be mine'. I just walked out into the dining room and started cleaning up the mess from last night. After a back breaking 2 hours of cleaning pots, pans, dishes and glasses and getting the last things into the dishwasher it was finally done. I looked up at the clock 3pm. I hadn't heard a word from Sean since I left him and I also figured 3pm, late enough in the day for a glass of wine. I poured myself a glass of white wine from the fridge and just went and sat out on the terrace still replaying in my head what had transpired over the past 24 hours. The whole situation was just crazy if you think about it. Although, given the new information from Sean I wasn't really sure where things would go. Truthfully, there were so many avenues and directions that things could take I don't think it was even worth trying to figure out at that point. Before I even had a chance to finish pondering my thoughts. "Hey, sorry to startle you." "All good, you need something?" "No, I'm good was just looking for some company. Still feeling kind of lonely. Mind if I join you?" "Of course not. Sit down" "Troy, I don't know how to say this." "Why don't you try just saying it? It's just you and me, there's no one else here or around that can hear anything. Why don't you just come out and say what you need to and stop trying to dance around the truth about what you're feeling. I will hold nothing against you ever. No matter what." "Troy..I..No. I can't do this." I reached my hand to his shoulder. "It's OK Sean you're safe here I promise. It's just me, nothing you say is wrong." "Troy why are you like this with me? Why do you put up with it? With me?" "Simple, I love you. That's all that matters to me. You want to know something? You could be stupid enough to pick up and leave and say you never wanted to see me again or you hate me. And I'd still love you." He just looked into my eyes -in to me, and took a deep breath and with tears rolling down his face he slowly said, "I have tried so hard to do this, to love you the way that you want me to. And every time I think I'm finally breaking through and can do it, this wall goes up and I just can't do it. And then everything falls apart. I get hurt, you get hurt and everything else. Maybe it's just I'm not gay or it just won't work between us. I don't know. But those `in love with you' feelings for you just seem to disappear. I love you as my brother and as my best friend. This past year has been one of the greatest ever. But I'm afraid this is all it will ever be." And he just looked down with his tears and head in his hands. And all I could do was smile. "Sean, you have already just completed my life and given me what I wanted to hear from you for as long as I can remember. I know that you love me. Whether you stand behind your walls or say those `in love' feelings aren't there. That doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I know underneath it all you love me and that's all I need. I don't need to have sex with you, I would love it, but I don't need it. Sean if we lived exactly like this for the rest of our lives in an apartment as brothers who love each other but do their own thing, I'd be the happiest man on earth. If this is all we have then let's take it and enjoy it. And if life changes in the future, we'll deal with it. But don't wreck yourself over what you can't do. Stick with what you can do. That's what matters." "You're really OK with this?" "Yes, Sean I am. Of course, I would love it to be a full-on relationship. But I'm also realistic and will take what I can get. And if this is it, then so be it." I just wiped the tears off his beautiful face – and just thought to myself he really does love me. He won't let himself, but he does. And if that's all I can get, then I will take it and cherish every second of it. "Sean just listen to me. OK? We're fine, I love you in every way possible and I know you do me as well. That's enough for me." He just nodded and got up and pulled me into the tightest embrace kissed me on the head and whispered in my ears, `I do love you with all my heart.' And then he loosened his grip on me, looked me in the eyes again and then walked back inside. That morning happened 2 years ago – we have gone on living as roommates and best friend brothers. But there was one dynamic of our living situation that I had noticed had changed in the past 6 months. He hadn't had a date. And I also noticed that the glow he usually had around him was gone. I contemplated questioning him about it, but then thought, I more or less had everything I wanted, with the exception of him being my lover. He was living with me. I know he loved me. Why should I be greedy and push for more? So, I chose not to and left it at that. That decision was the biggest mistake I had ever made. A month later I was sitting on the terrace, and he was standing across from me talking about a new job that he was considering, and in the middle of a sentence just collapsed. For a moment I froze and didn't know what to do. Then finally jumped into action and over to him, I could tell he wasn't breathing. I ran and called 911 and, in the time, waiting for them to get there I tried doing CPR. But it just would work I could not get him to start breathing. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity the EMS arrived and were able to use their shock pads to at least get his heart started again. As I watched him being carried out of the apartment on a stretcher, all I could do was stand there and cry. The love of my life was hanging on by a thread. I couldn't understand what had happened. This was the healthiest man I knew – went to the gym every day, ate well, took vitamins the whole lot. It just didn't make sense to me. Amid all this I rushed to the hospital and was pacing in the ER waiting room for some answers, when finally, a doctor came over to me and took me into a room. I already knew it was going to be bad news. They only do that when it's bad. "Your brother had a severe heart attack, based on the initial scans it looks like one of the artery's is almost completely blocked. He is already in surgery, and hopefully we'll be able to do a bypass and take care of that. The other issue is the lack of oxygen that the brain received while he was not breathing. There's no way to tell how much damage was done at this point. Could be minimal, could be severe. We don't know right now. The first thing is taking care of the heart then we'll deal with the brain after." "It just makes no sense. He was the healthiest person I knew. Didn't do drugs, didn't smoke, was at the gym every day, ate right." "My guess would be that it was a large blood clot that got stuck in the artery." Said the doctor "But let's take it one step at a time. I'll keep you posted as much as I can." I just sat there with my head in my hands. Call me clairvoyant, but I already knew what his fate was. They may be able to do bypass surgery, but it was probably 10 minutes before they got air and blood going to his brain again. His heart might beat, but unless by some miracle, he'd end up being a vegetable. And I know that's not what he wants. After what seemed like hours, the doctor came back out, "So, we were able to do a quadruple bypass – and it is what I had expected, An extremely large clot had formed in multiple arteries– not something we see very often, and was blocking the blood. We removed the clots however the artery was damaged as to why we did the bypass. Now, there is brain activity, but it is minimal, so I am still unsure as to what will come of that right now. We are having a neurologist come in to evaluate him and see what options we have." "Can I see him?" "Not right now, he is still in the recovery room, once he is moved into the ICU you will be able to come in and see him, however again he is in a comatose state. Once he is moved, I will send someone to come and bring you in to see him." I just nodded, and he left. Mike had come by to sit with me about 2 hours ago, and then heard the last bit of what the doctor said to me. And hugged and held me tightly. That was something after all these years and opening nights that he had never done before. And I just looked at him. I had no words. "Troy listen, no matter what happens, just remember that he loves you and you know that he does. He said it in his own way 2 years ago. But he does. That's all you need to know. Everything else will fall into place the way it's supposed to." It was an odd statement coming from him. He was never one for comforting or compassionate words, but they were, and he was right. But to lose him, and to be the one to bring him to his final death by telling them to shut off the life support was just I don't know freakish, because I knew it could be reality. After another 2 hours, I was finally allowed into the ICU to see him. I looked at the monitor, I could see the lines very clearly and knew what they meant too. There was a heartbeat, but there were minimal blips on the brain activity line. He was pretty much brain dead. It was as I was coming to that conclusion that the neurologist walked into the bay and touched me on the shoulders and said, "My apologies for startling you. So, we've run a multitude of tests, as you can see there's minimal brain activity at the moment. He is currently on life support, and of course heavily sedated, but he is alive." "Alive but brain dead?" "Well, I would not say brain dead given the fact that there is some activity even if minimal. So just based on those facts I cannot declare him as brain dead. There is the option to do surgery. But that also leaves the danger of brain damage, and I can't guarantee you that it will work or make anything better." "OK so look just give me my options." "OK: 1. Lift the sedation and see if anything happens. 2. Do brain surgery on the affected area and take the chance of it getting worse or better or no change at all. 3. Turn off the life support." "If we lift the sedation, can we still do the surgery if nothing happens and how long would you wait?" "If you want to take the chance of the surgery, I would do it now without even lifting the sedation, because he will need to be re-sedated and that in itself can cause issues." I just dropped my head; I did not want to put this man through anymore torture. "Just lift the sedation and let's see how goes. If nothing happens or he doesn't wake up, I'll decide what to do next." He said OK and went and closed off one of the IV lines and said, "It will take a few hours before the sedation lifts, so don't make any assumptions before then." And then just walked away. As I sat there staring at him, waiting for him to open his eyes. I wanted to see them, I needed to see them. It was absolutely tearing me apart that I wasn't able to see into him. I pulled the chair next to the bed and just talked to him. "Sean, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. These past few years have been the most wonderful years of my life. You have been there to protect me and prop me up when things went bad and stood next to me when things were good. You may find me silly for saying this, but I feel that we are together. We ARE partners in life. And if you don't make it out of this, I will cherish that for the rest of my life. You are a beautiful, wonderful man, and deserve nothing but the best." I stood up and leaned over the bed and kissed him on the lips like I have wanted to for so many years, and as pulled back from him, I heard the monitor switch from beeping to just a single sound. It was at that point that I knew he was gone. The nurses all rushed over, along with the doctor and a crash team, and I just yelled "STOP". They all turned to look at me, and all I could say was "His soul has gone. Let him rest in peace now. You can all go I'll pull the sheet over when I'm ready and then you can take him down to the morgue." Everyone including the doctor just nodded and walked away. I leaned over again, and just kissed him on the lips again and said, "I know my love you are in a better place now and I hope that you are happy and no longer lonely or miserable. And when I get there, I want to see that glow around you again and those beautiful ocean blue eyes that you have. I know you are with the angels now because you are one. Goodbye for now my love. I'll see you soon." I kissed him again and gently pulled the sheet over his head and walked away. I went over to the nursing station, signed the papers that I needed to and as I was finishing the last page, I watched the gurney be rolled over to the elevator. His body was going down to the morgue to eventually be cremated. It was an odd feeling as it passed me by, one of relief, which I did not expect. But in retrospect I believe that this horrid event happened for a reason. I would no longer be pining for him, and he would no longer be fighting whatever feelings he had and at some point, in time we would be together again. It has now been 30 years since that day, I'm currently 74 years old and we will be turning 75 this coming Thursday. His ashes sit next to me on my desk as I write this, and all the plays that I have written over the years. I know that this may not have been the most exciting account or story, but it is one of truth, pain, desire, lessons learned and most importantly, a tribute to the true love of my life who I look forward to seeing again soon. I thank you all for reading, and for those who were looking for a steamy sex scene unfortunately sometimes they don't happen even if you desperately want them to. You never know where life will take you. And I will close the account with this statement, `The minute you are born, your fate has already been decided. Don't fight feelings. Don't run and hide. It will be easier on yourself and those around you to just let nature take its course.' Thank you to everyone who has read this – I had initially intended on writing it for myself, just to have this account on paper, and after I pass myself to join Sean, someone might find it to know what happened between the two of us. But I was encouraged to post it on this site, by a friend of mine so I did. So now it's not only under his urn but out there for anyone to read to understand what a special love can be between 2 people. It may not be specially spoken and even if it looks torturous at times, if you look underneath, it all, the love is there, everyone just shows it differently. I love you Sean, and I will see you soon. All comments welcome at lookatmenow.7283@gmail.com Troy M.