Date: Wed, 9 May 2001 13:54:53 -0700 (PDT) From: rimpigfl Subject: The Book - Part I THIS IS A STORY! IT IS NOT TRUE! But it is for your enjoyment. You can read it. You can even make copies of it and give it to your friends. But you can't sell it. It belongs to me and I have a really nasty lawyer who loves suing people for stealing other people's hard work. So be warned! As for those of you who are so homophobic that you can't stand the idea of two males loving each other - get the fuck out of here. For the rest of you, enjoy! THE BOOK - Part 1 by RimPig (c) 2001 All right! I know I shouldn't have done it! I had no business being in my older brother's room and going through his stuff. But I was horny!! My own fuck books were boring the hell out of me and I only wanted to borrow something to get off to! I didn't mean to find the book. And, once I did, I know I shouldn't have read it but Dad always has said that I was the most curious boy he'd ever seen. And after what I read in it, my whole life just totally changed. Nothing - NOTHING - would ever be the same for me. Let me start back at the beginning. My name is Chris. I'm 18 years old and I live with my parents and my older brother Kyle, who is 22 and just graduated from the State University. Kyle, who takes after Dad's side of the family is 6'4" with broad shoulders, incredible chest, arm and leg development from being a wrestler since he was in High School, a slender waist, medium length blonde hair and the deepest, most incredibly violet colored eyes you've ever seen! (Yeah, I've know about Liz Taylor's eyes. Well, let me tell you, she ain't got nothin' on Kyle!) Me, I take after Mom's side of the family. I'm 5'8, a bit on the stockier side and have dark auburn hair and green eyes. I know I'm not ugly. I get enough interested looks from girls and guys at school. Especially in the locker-room after wrestling practice. You see, there one thing that Kyle and I share with Dad - all the guys in our family are really hung! My cock was 8 inches hard when I was 13! Now it measures at 10-1/4 inches. And it's even pretty impressive on the rare occasions when it's soft! Speaking of 13, that was the age that I made a momentous discovery about myself. While all my buds in school were going apeshit over tits and pussy, I just couldn't get the least bit interested. Oh, girls were alright. I just didn't have a whole lot in common with them. And I also started to notice that the way my buds were trying to score looks and feels of the girls' bodies was exactly the way I was feeling about my buds! It took a while for it to sink in, but I finally realized that I was gay. Nothing turned me on more than a guy's hot, hard body, ass and cock! This put me into a real tailspin for a while. I knew how everybody felt about "fags" and "queers". I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be hated and to lose all my friends. But I didn't want to have to try and 'play straight' either! I wasn't about to date some chick just to make everybody think I was 'normal'. And I certainly had no interest in having sex with one just to prove to my buds what a man I was! But I didn't know what else to do. I guess the effect of all this really started to take it's toll on me. Without me realizing it, I started losing weight and my grades began to slip to the point that Coach Blackthorn had to warn me that I could face academic suspension from Wrestling if I didn't get back on track. Finally, it was Kyle who broke through to me. I remember the night that Kyle came to my room and sat down on the bed. "What's goin' on with you, bro? You're looking like shit! You've lost weight, you're draggin' your ass around here like your best friend died on you and now Coach Blackthorn tells me you're fuckin' up your grades as well. If I didn't know better, I'd think you'd gotten yourself fucked up with drugs. But I can't figure out what the fuck's going on with you!" "I'm OK!" I answered defensively. "Like fuck you are! Every time you walk into a room it's like dark clouds start to form! Now something's wrong and I'm not leaving here until I get to the bottom of this!" he said with determination in his voice. (Did I happen to mention that when Kyle decides he's going to do something, I think about the only way you can stop him is to, maybe, cut his head off? But you wouldn't want to, cause he's so incredibly beautiful when those violet eyes of his light up with his intensity.) "It's not something that I can talk to you about." I said quietly, trying to delay the inevitable. "And what the fuck's that supposed to mean?!!" Kyle exploded. "Since when did you have ANYTHING that you couldn't come talk to me about? Have I ever - EVER! - ratted you out over anything you ever told me? Dad still doesn't know it was you that made that permanent ink stain on the floor of the family room. So what the fuck could you be into that you couldn't tell me about?!!" he said, fuming at my distrust. "It's not like that!" Tears started slowly running down my cheek. "I just don't want you to hate me." "Hate you?! What the fuck are you talking about?! What could you possibly do that would make me hate you?!" Kyle appeared really confused and concerned now. I'm definitely not a cry baby. In fact, when I was little, I prided myself on not crying when I took a fall and got hurt. So Kyle knew immediately that whatever this was, this was BIG! "Look, bro. I don't know what kind of trouble you've gotten yourself into, but no matter what it is, we're gonna get you out of it and I will NEVER stop loving you as long as I live. There is NOTHING you could do that could make me hate you." he said, putting his arms around me. I let him hold me for a second and then pushed him away. I saw the hurt, quizzical look in his eyes when I did, but I couldn't let him hold me while I told him what I needed to tell him. I still didn't trust his reaction completely. This "hating queers" shit is just too ingrained in guys. I'd heard the words "fag" and "queer" used as insults when I was in kindergarten! Long before any of us knew what they meant. All we knew was that being a "fag" or "queer" was the absolutely worst thing in the world. And here I was about to tell my brother Kyle that I was one of "those". I guess I don't really need to explain how I feel about Kyle? Well, in case any of you missed it, I am deeply, intensely, completely-gone-round-the-bend, in-love with him. Yeah, I know. He's my brother, for God's sake! Now I've compounded being queer with incest! But, what the fuck! If you're gonna kick over all the shit you had believed for so long, there's no end to where you might end up. Where I ended up was being in love with Kyle. So... I looked up into Kyle's eyes. He was a senior in High School then, captain of the wrestling team and the most beautiful 17 year old on the face of the earth - at least to me. I so desperately didn't want to tell him about me, but at the same time, I did. I wanted him to understand. He might never be able to accept how I felt about him (which I had no intention of ever telling him) but he could learn to accept me. "Kyle, I really don't know how to say this except to come right out with it. I'm queer." I said, all in a rush, and then hung my head. There was dead silence for what seemed like hours but was probably no more than a minute. I felt Kyle's eyes staring at me and I could almost hear his brain working overtime on this little problem! Finally, he spoke. "And what's brought you to this conclusion, may I ask?" he said quietly. I told him about how I felt, how girls didn't attract me but my friends did. How I fantasized about the sexual things I would like to do with them. "I take it then that you've never actually had sex with another guy." he stated. "No, I haven't. I've never had sex at all." "Except with yourself." he finished. "What are you talking about?" I asked, truly perplexed. "Chris, I know you jack off! I've seen the stains on your sheets!" he laughed. "Oh...well, yes. I do that." I said, deeply embarrassed. "Look, Chris. I know how devastated you must feel about this and I think I understand how scared you are about it. You don't have to tell me what would probably happen if someone found out about you - what your friends would say and do, what guys on the team would say and do. I don't want those things being said or done because I might have to hurt someone really bad for doing that to you!" he said in all seriousness. "But what am I gonna do?!" I begged. "You're gonna go on and live your life and be happy! That's what you're gonna do! Just because you're gay doesn't have to mean you don't get to be happy. You're not the only guy who's gay in the world, you know! Eventually, you're gonna find a lot of other guy's like you and you'll find out whether that's what you really want or not. But in the mean time, you got to get your shit together before you got a whole load of worse problems than just being gay on your hands!" he told me. "What do you mean?" "Like your grades. And your weight. How long do you think it's gonna be before Mom and Dad start asking questions about what's wrong if you keep losing weight and they find out about your grades dropping? And this is one conversation you DON'T want to be having with THEM! You know they'd both go off the deep end about this!" Kyle warned me. "I know. But I just don't know what to do! And I was scared to talk to anyone about this. Even you." I said, hanging my head. Then I added softly, "I'm sorry." "It's Ok, bro. I understand. But I hope you realize now that you can talk to me about anything. It doesn't matter what. I'll understand. And I'll always love you." he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. That was five years ago. The talk did help. Now I knew there was somebody who seemed to understand what I was going through and was willing to listen when things got rough. And listen he did! He got to hear all the confusion and fear that I went through early on. He got to hear all the details of when I found Todd, the first guy I ever had sex with. Oh, Todd was a real hunk, but he was more confused than I was and more unable to deal with the idea of having sex with other guys. Eventually, he broke it off and started dating girls. But even to this day, whenever he sees me around school, he looks at me with the strangest look - not like he hated me or anything, but like he longed to have me back. Anyway, I cried for a while over that, more over the loss of the sex and the feeling of rejection than any actual feelings I had for Todd, but Kyle was always there to hold me and to tell me that the right guy would come along. Of course I believed him. Deep in my heart I knew that the 'right guy' had already come along and he slept just down the hall from me. But I figured there wasn't a chance in hell that Kyle would ever be mine as anything more than my brother. Kyle, meanwhile, was dating a lot of girls over those years as well has having a large group of jock friends. God! They were all hunks! One more attractive than the next. And without Kyle knowing it, I managed to have sex with a number of them over the years. Those, of course, I never told Kyle about. I didn't know how he would feel about his brother having sex with his friends. Not that his friends minded! But I just didn't want Kyle to think that I was using his friends as my personal "harem". I also didn't want Kyle to think that I was some kind of slut who fucked every good-looking guy who came along. Certainly not every one. Just most. But what else was I supposed to do! The one guy I loved beyond all measure, who I dreamed about almost every night, who I would give myself to - totally and exclusively - was obviously not interested. So, after a while, I just gave up and started giving myself to the guys who wanted me. At least, I could sometimes pretend with them that it was Kyle fucking me or holding me in his arms. Kyle lived at home while he went to State so our lives changed very little over those five years. Mom and Dad kept dropping hints to Kyle that maybe it was time to "find the right girl and settle down". Kyle always had a way of laughing off this advice. He seemed perfectly happy to just let things go on the way they were. And, as far as I was concerned, this was just fine with me! I dreaded the day that Kyle got married and moved out. That would be the final nail in the coffin of my dream relationship, and I knew it. I kept telling myself what a fucking asshole I was to continue to think that there was any chance of Kyle wanting me the way I wanted him, but I just didn't seem to be able to help myself. Nobody else interested me. Then came the fateful day. Like I said, I was horny! I hadn't had sex with anybody in a couple of weeks because I had been preparing for final exams. Graduation loomed in a couple of days, exams were over and my body definitely needed some release! But after glancing through my own fuck books, nothing was working. I knew Kyle had some, and I figured I knew where he kept them - same place most guys do - under the mattress. Since I knew Kyle wouldn't return from his date until late, I figured I could borrow a couple, use them and have them back within the hour - with nobody the wiser. That's what I thought! When I reached under Kyle's mattress, however, my hand felt not magazines, but a thick, leather bound book. "Fuck, he jacks off to classical literature?!" I thought to myself. I pulled the book out of it's hiding place and looked at the cover. The leather cover was old and deeply stained a rich, dark brown. The pages were gold edged and it seemed almost as if the book were hand-made. There was not title on the cover or spine. When I opened it, I realized why. Written in Kyle's handwriting on the first page it said "Kyle's Journal". I never knew that Kyle kept a journal! He never even mentioned it in passing. I knew that I shouldn't open it. I knew that I shouldn't read it. But you answer for yourself - if you found a journal written by the person you loved most in the world, wouldn't you be just a little curious about what was in it? Well...I was a LOT curious. There were so many things that I didn't know about Kyle, about how he felt about things. I suddenly realized that through all the years I had spent talking to him, spilling out my most private and painful feelings, he had hardly shared any of his own with me. Ok, it was just a justification, but it sure worked at the time. I quickly convinced myself that I had "a right" to read the journal. Yeah...that's bullshit. But human's have been convincing themselves of the rightness of their actions by that kind of bullshit for millions of years! Who was I to argue with success? I ran back to my room, and opened the book. And that's when I got my deepest shock. The journal started the day after I admitted to Kyle that I was gay. In fact, according to the first entry, Kyle bought the journal because of that conversation - because he wanted to record his thoughts and feelings about things that I had brought up! Suddenly, I saw myself through his eyes that night. I had no idea how really scared and worried he was about me! Scared that I was into something so bad or so deep that I might kill myself. Worried because he didn't know if he could get through to me or not. And then came the biggest shock of all! Here, I'll let you read it for yourself.... "...and then when Chris told me what was really going on, I nearly died! How could this happen! How could he be gay, too! Did he know about me? No, it was obvious he didn't. As he told me, I wanted so badly to reach out and hold him. Hold him in my arms and feel his solid, athletic body. I wanted to kiss away the tears falling from those incredible emerald colored eyes of his. I wanted to put my lips against his and taste the sweetness of his mouth. But I knew I didn't dare do any of what I wanted to do. He was so vulnerable, so confused. I didn't have the right to overwhelm him with my desires! And so I just sat and listened and tried so damned hard to let him know he wasn't alone and that I would always be there for him." FUCK!!! Can you believe it!! Here I was going crazy, wanting him so bad and him wanting me as well and neither of us knowing how to break through to each other. I kept reading through the journal. I skipped through, skimming the pages. Suddenly a passage hit my eyes. It was about Mike, one of Kyle's friends. One that I had sex with on a pretty regular basis for a couple of years. "Tonight Mike and I had a great time at his house. His parents were out of town so we had the whole place to ourselves. We had sex in just about every room in the house. I remember sucking his cock in the kitchen and then fucking his ass right on his parent's bed! He fucked me on his and we ended up in the shower out in the pool house having a really hot piss scene with each other. After we took a swim to cool off and relax, we sat by the pool and started talking. Mike seemed really bothered by something. I finally asked him straight out what the problem was. I was afraid he had started to have a guilt reaction to what we had done with each other. I couldn't understand why, because we'd been doing each other for as long as we've been friends. But it wasn't that. Oh, he was feeling guilty, all right. But not about having sex with me. He was feeling guilty about having sex with Chris! Without my knowing it, my little bro has been having sex with a lot of my friends, according to Mike. I told him I wasn't jealous or anything. And, frankly, I was kinda glad it was my friends he was having sex with because I knew none of them would hurt him. But Mike told me about the last few times he and Chris have had sex. Seems sometimes in the middle of it, when he gets completely carried away, Chris will start calling Mike "Kyle". I told him people are liable to say anything when they are in that state, that it meant nothing! But Mike insisted. He told me that sometimes Chris has fallen asleep in his arms after sex and then Chris will clearly talk in his sleep and always mentions my name and seems to be talking to me. Mike also told me that he's talked to several of our other friends who have been with Chris and they all have had the same experience. I don't know what to think. I don't want to read anything into this. I don't want to get my hopes up that Chris could actually want me - love me - as more than my brother. And should I even want that?! It's incest! My own brother. It's just that I can't help myself. The more I try to push down those feelings for him, the harder they push to escape. But I can't make the first move. I can't take the chance of hurting him or making him think that I'm some kind of pervert and never speaking to me again." I couldn't believe it! Kyle not only loved me, he had exactly the same fears and doubts that I did about loving him! How could we have gone on so long, being so near one another and still couldn't bring ourselves to break through our fears of loving each other? And how could we have been so blind to what we really felt for each other? And when did I start talking in my sleep?! I started going through the book looking for the latest entries. I was completely shocked to find this one, which Kyle had written only a week ago. "I'm really getting fed up with all this hiding. I hate the pressure that Mom and Dad keep putting on me - asking me when I'm going to settle down and get married. Asking when there are going to be grandchildren. I'm going to have to change my plans completely. I had wanted to live here when I graduated but now I see that's not going to be possible. No matter how much I love them, I know I will never be free to be who I am until I'm as far away from them as I can get. The offer I have to do post-graduate work at UC/San Francisco is looking like the way I need to go. Far away, truly one of the "gay mecca's" of the country and someplace I just might learn how to stop hiding. The only real hurt in all of this is that it means leaving Chris. But in the end, that might be best, too. Maybe being away from him, I could learn to love somebody else. It is so hard sometimes just to be in the same house with him. Knowing he's just down the hall. Wanting him so bad that I physically hurt from the wanting. And knowing that what I feel and what I want is wrong! I don't want to be in love with my brother! It's bad enough being gay without having to explain that I'm also willing to commit incest with my own brother. So San Francisco might be the answer to everything." As I read this, my tears were staining the page as the fell. I couldn't imagine life without Kyle. What would I do? Who would I talk to. Worst of all, maybe he could learn to love someone else, but I couldn't. I know I could never love someone the way that I love Kyle. More importantly, I fuckin' didn't want to! I wasn't about to let him go off to San Francisco without letting him know that I felt the same way about him and that I didn't give a fuck who could or couldn't deal with it! I wasn't going to let the man I loved most in the world go off and leave me without knowing that there was every chance that we could make a life together. Well, that took care of my horniness! I couldn't even think about sex as I lay there with tears in my eyes, emotionally exhausted from what I had read. Without realizing it, I drifted off to sleep with my face resting on the pages of Kyle's journal.