Date: Fri, 02 May 2008 23:05:06 -0400
From: niftyreadersclub@aol.com
Subject: The Journey - Part Five

I'm glad to hear that you are continuing to enjoy this storyline.  I love
hearing from readers, your input, compliments and criticism is much
appreciated.  I like to believe that my grammar is pretty good, but I know
I can still word things incorrectly.  As long as the story is making sense,
that's what matters to me.  And I do get the hint...many of you are
becoming quite fond of the bartender.  I'm glad.  This story is completely
played out in my own mind from beginning to end, and I'll try to get the
upcoming chapters into text and post as quickly as possible.  Sometimes
it's a matter of finding the time.  Anyway, enjoy...

Part Five

It fascinated me how easily this gay bartender put me at ease.  I thought
about it all the way on the drive home.  What was even more astonishing to
me was that I felt that he was my secret.  I liked him more and more.  It
helped that he seemed just as ordinary as I thought myself to be.  I knew
that in troubled times, I'd find myself there where he worked.

When I pulled into the driveway, Corbin was just stepping out of the house.
"Hi, dad.  I'm heading over to Joe's."

"I want you home at five for dinner."  He stopped walking.  "I don't care
if you go continue whatever plans you have after, but I want you at the
dinner table at five."  He started walking again.  "Yes?" I called, not
turning my head.

"Alright!" He answered.

I got out of the car and watched him head up the street.  I was so
frustrated with him.  This was not the way I thought this weekend would be.
I really didn't know what I truly expected, but not this.  When I walked
through the house, not even Zave was around.  I went to the tree house and
called his name, but there wasn't an answer.

It took a moment to sink in, but the thought occurred to me that perhaps
Zave really did get in touch with a neighborhood friend.  He promised, so I
had hope.  Re-entering the house, I told myself to put all of this aside to
catch up with me own self.

Being alone, I realized just how much I didn't like being alone.  I never
did.  Ever.  I always had to have someone around me.  Gena knew this about
me and I wondered if she thought about that when her job changed.  I
wondered if Gena believed one of the kids would always be present.

Everything about our home was well organized and everything had its place.
Gena made sure of that.  With her gone, she was in my thoughts much more
than in the past several years, and this was only the first of many trips
I'm sure she'd have.

Something else came to my mind as I walked around looking for something to
do.  I had so utterly placed myself in the role of a family man that I
didn't even have any friends to think about, to call, to get together with.
Not really.  Somehow, having ongoing friends slipped through my fingertips
without me knowing about it.

With nothing to do, I went upstairs to our bedroom and lay down.

I woke up to the familiar sound of some video game from down the hall.  It
was almost four thirty and I had to get downstairs to see what Gena had
left us for the day of Saturday.  It was funny to me that I had been
correct in the fact that she left notes with things that said this is for
this day and this is for that day.  In her own way, she was still present.
Today, it was a homemade pizza that that was wrapped in tinfoil and just
had to be popped in the oven.  Come to think of it, many Saturdays were
pizza days, and always handmade, not ordered.  With that started, I headed
upstairs.

Zavid was in his room, door open, at his desk with some racing game going.
"Hi.  Can I join you?"

He looked at me.  "Since when do you want to join me playing video games?"

Laughing, I said, "I meant can I just join you for company."

Hesitantly, he said, "Sure."  I sat on his bed and watched him for a while.
I never did this, never watched what games they played.  I was definitely
not interested in playing myself because of how addictive I heard it was.
When I figured that he wasn't going to offer any information of the day, I
cleared my throat loudly.

"What'd you do today?"

"I hung out with Scott."

"Ah.  Scott.  I think I remember him."

"He was over a few times."

I nodded.  "What did the two of you do?"  He shrugged his shoulders.  "Sat
around at the park, mostly just talking about people at school."

Telling myself not to be too interrogating, I dropped the subject, grateful
that he did as he said he would do.  "Pizza tonight," I announced, "be
downstairs in about a half hour."  At that, I stood up and left his room.

I busied myself with getting plates, parmesan cheese, forks, napkins,
glasses, milk, and set up the dining table.  This was never my job before,
and I rather enjoyed doing it.  At five to five, Corbin came in and sat at
the table.  From the kitchen, I told him dinner would be ready in about
twenty minutes.

"You said five o'clock," He stated cockily.

I stared daggers at him.  He didn't say anything more.  What royally pissed
me off the most was that he continued to sit at the table and wait with an
attitude.  I sat down across the table from him and stared in his
direction.  We remained that way until the timer dinged.  As I stood, I
said to him, "You break my heart."

Zavid came into the dining room as I was putting the pizza in the middle of
the table.  "Just dig in," I told them.  I sat down myself and put two
slices on my plate.

I watched Zave take a piece and as he was doing so he asked, "How many
pieces do you want, Cor?"

"I'll get them myself if you don't mind," Corbin muttered.  He refused to
look at either of us.

When we ate our fill, Zave darted right back upstairs, and Corbin remained
where he was.  I didn't feel like clearing the table yet, so I went out to
the back yard to prepare the grill for tomorrow because Gena wanted us to
barbeque chicken.  Finishing, I went back in the house and he was still
sitting there, angry.  I was pretty angry myself.  I went into the garage
to make sure we had charcoal.  A moment later, Corbin entered, shutting the
side entrance door behind him.  He sat down on a stool to his left, rubbing
the palms of his hands together.  "Dad, I don't think you understand."

"Try me."

"Why?  If you're gonna be on his side?"

"I SAID...try me."

He closed his eyes for a few seconds then looked at me.  "At school, dad,
there's this guy, a year younger than me.  He's very obviously a --"

"A what?" I asked quickly.

He shook his head.  "He's gay.  Anyway, he has no friends; he gets picked
on all the time.  Even though he...he keeps to himself, if you can call it
that, nothing matters.  He gets beat up, laughed at, and tormented.  He
doesn't live far from the school and every day, he has to run home."  He
stopped talking.  I knelt before him and waited.  "Even I've picked on
him."

"Have you ever hurt him?"

"Not physically."

"Then what does this have to do with your brother?"  I didn't know what to
expect out of any of this.

"I don't want to see Zave treated that way, so I just leave him alone.
It's not like I mistreat him-"

"But you are mistreating him."

"How?"

"Corbin, he loves you!"  I said with more passion then I thought I could
muster.  "You're his big brother for Christ sakes."  It struck me hard,
just then of when I noticed my youngest son folding within himself.  It was
the same time I saw that the two of them drifted in different directions.
"What's hardest for me dad, is that Zave is nothing like this other kid,
but still the same.  But I started noticing that Zave stared at the guys at
school too long, stuff like that.  It's what started me suspecting."

"So what."

Corbin slipped into a defensive stance with me.  "Dad, there's more.
There's more that I don't want to talk about and especially with you.  I
just want to leave Zave alone."

"Well I've got news for you.  I'm not going to let you leave your brother
alone."  He stood in a flash, as did I.  When he made to step past me I
took a firm grip on his shoulders and made him stay facing me.  "Corbin,
what happened between you and Zavid?"  I was actually afraid to know.

"I'm not telling you!  I have every right to keep this to myself." He said
under his breath.

"Is it something I can pry out of Zavid?  Because I will if I have to!" I
stated.

"Oh Jesus!" Corbin muttered, as if he couldn't believe what was going on.

"Dad, I don't talk about things like this, okay?"  He pleaded.  "Please
don't force this."

I shot him one of my `knowing eye' looks, released him, and reached for the
door knob.

"Wait!" He shouted.  I froze in place, hand ready to turn the knob.  Corbin
covered his face with his hands and spun in a circle.  "For the love of
God, dad, I don't need to tell you."  I turned the knob.  He growled.

"You've got five seconds."  He stomped around the garage, not childishly,
but none the less.  "One thousand one, one thousand two," I couldn't
believe I was playing this game with a sixteen year old, "one thousand
three, one thou-"

He was at my side and heatedly said, "Okay, but this isn't fair.  I want
you to know that."

Letting go of the door knob, I tried to face him, but he walked around in
circles.  I sat down on the stool he had abandoned.  I sat there thinking
something really awful happened between them.  I couldn't imagine what.

"This isn't easy for me, especially with you," he told me, defeated.  At
this point, I didn't want to say or ask anything.  He finally stooped and
sat down a few feet away from me, facing the closed outer garage door.  I
couldn't see his face at all.  "When I was eleven, I learned about jerking
off."  He paused, holding his face.  "After doing it a couple times, I was
so...ecstatic about it that the third time I wanted to do it, Zave was in
my room."

"When he was nine?" I asked.

"Yes."  It was over a minute before he continued. "I asked him if he wanted
to see something...cool.  He said yes.  I told him that he couldn't tell
anybody," at this, he turned his head and looked at me accusingly, then
looked away.  "I pulled out my dick and jerked off, letting him watch."

A major silence engulfed the garage.  I could see why he insisted that he
didn't need to tell me about this.  Still, I didn't understand.

"When I shot my load," he said with embarrassment in his voice, "I wiped it
up with a dirty sock and was done."

"How'd he react?" I asked.

"He didn't have anything to say.  Not a thing.  He just stared, and I
didn't explain anything.  I just did it.  I never thought anything of it,
until..."

"Until you started suspecting he might be gay," I said for him.  I watched
his head give a nod.  "And now?"

"I'm angry, dad!  Angry that that happened, angry at him, embarrassed,
angry at me, you name it!"

"Guilt?"  Corbin's entire body locked up.  How in the world was I going to
handle this? I asked myself.  Sitting there, I thought I had no clue why a
person believed he was gay, and I didn't.  Was it something inspired?  Was
it something brought on by trauma?  I had no idea.  I was at a crossroads.
All I could do was ask, "You think you're the reason why he's gay?"

Choking up, he stood and looked at me with such a plea in his eyes as he
asked, "Dad, can I please...can I please please please not talk about this
anymore?"

"I'm afraid not," I shook my head.  "I need to think about this.  There's
no way in hell I'm going to see the relationship between you two keep
getting worse from something as...foolish as this."

"God!" He said loudly, walking to the other side of the garage and sitting
on a horse bench.  "This is not what I stuck around to talk about."

"Okay, look Cor," I stood and walked his way, "first; it was YOU who jacked
off in front of him.  You offered.  He didn't ask.  He wasn't expecting it.
It was you!" He turned all of his face away from my view.  "Second, you
were both so young, not even fully developed.  Why on earth are you angry
at him?  Why are you blaming him for what YOU did?"

"Because he probably enjoyed it!" Corbin stated.  "I can barely look at
him."

I sighed, starting to get a bigger picture of how someone like Zavid could
start losing the people he loved in his life over things that aren't even
his fault.  "I won't believe that something like this will make someone
gay.  You're gonna face him, Corbin."

"No, I'm not!"

Yanking him to his feet harshly, feeling him try to break away, I shook him
easily, telling him, "You look at!  Look at me!"  When he finally, angrily
did, I said, "I think this is all you that's causing this for yourself.  In
the past year, do you know-"I clenched my teeth at the handful of times I
saw what I was about to explain. "-do you have ANY idea, how I feel, when I
see him bring up some great time you and he had in the past, and he says it
with a smile and laughter, then I watch as his face goes from happiness to
sadness in less than thirty seconds?  Do you have ANY idea what I feel like
when I see that in him?  I can't imagine how badly he feels that you just
dropped out of his picture with no explanation.  You're becoming a God
damned memory to him!"

Corbin's face was stricken.

I shook him again.  "All this because you jacked off in front of him when
you were eleven years old?" I asked.

"Dad, let me go!" He tried to pry my fingers from the grips they had on his
shirt sleeves.  "Please, let me go."  The tone in his voice changed
drastically from a few moments ago.  I let loose, and he almost fell
backward.  He stumbled past me and entered the house.

I followed him several steps behind, through the kitchen, the dining room,
the living room, to the stair case.  I got close enough to see that his
eyes were misting.  He composed himself, although he was still trembling as
he started climbing the stairs.  When I moved to follow, he said without
looking back, "Dad, let do this my own way.  I don't need you present for
this."

Reluctantly, I let him hear me back off.  It was a good time to clear off
the table to take my mind off of wanting to be upstairs with my sons.  When
I was done, I parked myself on the couch in the family room, turned on the
TV, and waited.  In the forty some minutes that they were upstairs, I heard
no loud voices, no yelling, no arguing.  It was driving me insane.  I was
so attuned to any noise in the house that I jumped when I heard a door
open.  I made myself stay where I was as I heard two sets of feet coming
down the stairs.

Corbin came into my view alone.  "Dad, may we use the car?  I'd like to
take Zave to a movie."

Surprised, and for the first time happy that he had gotten his license this
last spring, I nodded.  "The keys are by the door.  Do you need any money?"

"It would help."  I slipped my wallet out and handed him three twenty
dollar bills.  "Thanks."

He saw that I was starting to say something, and threw his arms up with a
shake of his head as he backed up.  He was silently telling me `No, not
now.  Don't say anything right now.'  I nodded.  My eyes closed at the
sound of the front door closing.


I watched television programs blindly, channel surfed, but all that was on
my mind was my sons and what I couldn't hear.  Around eleven thirty, I
turned off the TV and nodded off to sleep.  When I came awake, the family
room was dark.  I reached over to the side table and turned the lamp on.
Corbin was sitting tiredly awake in the rocker in the corner of the room.
The wall clock displayed two twenty a.m.

"Where's Zave?"

"Upstairs.  I'm pretty sure he's asleep."

"When did you get home?"

"An hour ago."

We both sat there for a few moments, staring down at the floor.  "May I ask
how things went?"

He shrugged his shoulders.  "I took him to the Well for something to eat.
We talked about a lot of things."  I waited for him to continue.  "I
explained to him that as I'm getting older, things are changing for me,
that I have many other things to do and think about.  You know, dad, you
really know how to throw a punch that hurts a lot."

I grinned.  "How so?"

"What you said about becoming a memory.  I don't want to be a memory.  You
made me feel like I was dead but I really wasn't.  That got to me."

"Good." I said simply.

"I had somewhat of a bumpy road with him when I tried to talk to him about
his being gay.  It bothered him that I knew, even though he never said
anything to me.  He's very on edge about that.  It scares him."

"I know, just let me deal with that," I stated firmly.  "We'll discuss that
more in the future."

"But otherwise, I tried to assure him that I'd handle things better about
him and that I'd try to be...open minded."

Looking at him with a little more pride then before, I smiled.  "That's all
I need to hear, son.  You can keep some of your conversation to yourself."

He nodded, but added, "You know what was more embarrassing then me telling
you about the jerking off thing?"

"What's that?"

"I brought it up because I thought I had to clear the air and here his
thoughts, and it was the darnedest thing.  He doesn't even remember; now
THAT was really embarrassing."

I couldn't help myself. I broke out laughing so hard my stomach went into a
knot.  I clapped my hands to my face and just laughed.

"Dad," Corbin said in all seriousness, "it's not THAT funny."

I looked at him through my splayed fingers.  "Yes...it...is!"  I couldn't
stop myself from laughing.  I must have gone on for three minutes before I
could focus again.

When I calmed down, I shook my head.  "You killed almost an entire year of
time with a grudge and anger over something so stupid, Corbin."

"Well, it might be a good idea if we forget all about this, huh?" He
suggested with a slight strain in his voice.

"I'll try.  But Corbin, what on earth made you do it?  What got into your
head to show him?"

I knew he was uncomfortable, but I had to ask.  "Come on, dad, it was like
having a new toy.  I just showed off.  That's how I felt about it then."

"Okay.  Okay.  I guess I can understand that.  I don't really see anything
wrong with it.  You know, I envy you.  I never had a brother."

"It's been nice," he stated, "now that my foolishness isn't getting in the
way."

"Corbin?" He looked at me.  "This guy you told me about at school.  How
badly is he treated?  I'm sorry to change the subject, but I'm curious."

Yawning, he said, "He's queer, feminine, stares at guys he shouldn't,
visits the school councilor almost every other day about something or
other.  He's needy."

"And does Zavid know who he is?"

"Sure, but like I said, they're very different.  And don't even suggest
it," he warned me.  "If Zave hung out with this kid, and he doesn't want
to, he'd find a world of trouble.  I'd never allow it.  Even if I still
harbored anger or whatever, I wouldn't let him."

There it was, I was seeing it again, Corbin's protectiveness for his
brother was back like it'd never been gone.  After a moment, I nodded.  "I
just started thinking that Zave is pretty alone right now.  He doesn't have
anyone near his age to grow with in this new aspect of his life."

"I'd rather that he stuck to himself right now then risk what this other
kid goes through, and that's that."

I smiled.  "Okay.  I just want to tell you one thing.  This coming school
year, I want you to leave that boy alone.  If your friends do what they do
so be it, but I want you to stand back."

He nodded, standing.  "I've gotta crash."

"Go ahead." I stood and hugged him quickly as he passed by.

What a relief.  I sat back down, believing that perhaps Cor and Zave were
back on the right track.  I knew that in the future, anything could go
wrong, but I had to keep steering as best I could with this situation.  I
went to bed and enjoyed a deep sleep.