Here's part 13 of the story. As always, this is purely fictional. No real boys were hurt while writing this, please do not hurt any while reading or afterwards. Thanks!

It shouldn’t really surprise you, if you’ve been reading through all the previous parts of ‘The weeping boy’, but English is only my second language. I hope you will forgive me for any linguistic errors I might have made.

This part is a little shorter than the previous ones, but I reached a point where it either meant breaking here or carry on writing. If I had kept writing it could have been another ten or fifteen pages before I could break it without being too mean to you. I’m hoping to be able to publish the next part on Sunday, but I’m struggling a little with the story, I hope my struggling won’t shine through too much while reading it.

Anyway, if you can spare a little coin, needs your support. Please donate whatever little you can here: If it wasn’t for people donating, I wouldn’t have had a platform to publish my stories on.


The weeping boy.
- or how I became what I am today.

Chapter 38.
Andy is convinced.

Andy got well enough to go back to school Tuesday. He was delighted when I told him the news that morning, wanted to get into the car straight away. He sure had changed from the sulky boy who never wanted to go back to school, but it was a very welcomed change. He thrived with the kids in his new class as well as the teachers and other adults he interacted with at school.

The education level at his new school was high, much higher than the public school he had attended. The amount of homework had increased considerably even if he was only in preschool. Not that it was terribly complicated to do, it wasn’t as if Andy had to write a ten page paper on a given subject. Mostly it was reading a few pages in a book and be able to give a small synopsis of what he had read or some fairly simple math problems.

All in all, he spent about fifteen minutes longer on his school work after having his little snack. He never complained about having to work longer, on the contrary, he seemed to enjoy the more challenging homework.

I still had to transport him to and from school. It wasn’t as bad as I had first imagined as the school was on the way to my work. I just had enough time to push him out of the car while driving to work and still make it there on time. At least on those days when the traffic behaved, when there hadn’t been an accident packing up the interstate. Such an accident happened at least once a week, or so it seemed. I’d pick him up from the school on the way home, they had a small after-school center for kids to hang out waiting for their folks to pick them up.

The centers opening hours left me just enough time to leave work and get there, again if traffic didn’t act up. Often times, Andy was the only kid left waiting for me to come pick him up. The staff were of course not really happy about it, especially when I got there a few minutes after the official closing time.

My boss, as well as some of my colleagues were starting to dislike my work efforts, I tried to make up by working after I put Andy to bed, but it could really only go on for so long. A new government had been elected and one of the things they got elected by, was to freeze government spending. In reality, outsource what they could to private contractors or simply cutting back.

I survived the first round of cutbacks, which was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Ten percent of my colleagues were fired, many of whom had been working for the railroad for a great number of years. Most had contracts which gave three years notice, but all of them were asked to finish whatever they were working on and then stay home. They were free to find another job, but would retain their salary for the full three years.

My contract wasn’t one of those, I ‘only’ had a three month notice if the railroad wanted to fire me. It didn’t take long until the next rumor of cutbacks started circulating the large open office building. This time however, it wasn’t just a matter of cutting back on the number of employees. Someone had gotten the idea of outsourcing the part of the IT department that handled support and operation. They were only to keep the development team in-house.

Siemens won the bid for the outsourcing and invited all of the employees who were affected by it to job interviews. I wasn’t offered a job with Siemens and the railroad didn’t want me either. I had exactly three months and 8 days to find myself a new job, otherwise I might have lost everything I had worked so hard to get.

John turned nine while I was trying to find a job. My own birthday arrived, as did Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I was still unemployed, at least it gave me the chance of staying home with Andy over the entire Christmas holiday. Now eight years old, his idea of the perfect present for Christmas was a computer. Well, to be perfectly honest, he really wanted a Playstation, but I managed to steer him in the right direction.

A Playstation would only be good for playing games on, while a computer could be used for so much more than just that. He’d be able to use it for school work, maybe even become interested in writing code like I had done myself. A computer cost more but my parents pitched in and by assembling the parts myself, I managed to build him a really nice one.

Andy wasn’t interested in writing code, he was far more interested in science and nature. His dreams of becoming a firefighter turned into being a scientist. For a short while, then he got hooked on the idea of helping people in need. He watched a show about Medecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders). From then on he wanted to become a medical doctor, one that would travel the world helping those in need, but lived far away from medical aid.

I told him how proud it made me feel, that he wanted to help people while getting very little in return. I also told him it would be really hard to become a doctor in medicine, even if he did his very best at school.

I am going to make it,” he told me, leaving no room for doubt.

I knew he would, Andy had proved so many times that he could do whatever he put his mind to. If he wasn’t distracted by something else along the way.

He was really happy with the computer, he ignored the fact that it was pretty much the only gift he received for Christmas that year. Well, he got some clothes too, but they didn’t really count as proper gifts. John and Andy could have spent hours sitting in front of that thing if I hadn’t limited the time they were allowed to do so. Once when Andy tested my patience I confiscated the power cable to the computer for 24 hours. I returned it the next day but warned him the next time I’d take it away from him for 48 hours.

When he didn’t believe me, but had to test me another time, that was exactly what happened. When I caught him trying to take the power cable from my computer, wanting to use it for his own, I resorted to spanking his bottom. He got his power cable back after the 48 hours had passed, but had to sit on an extra pillow on the chair in front of his computer. I had punished him quite severely for trying to slip around my punishment, but mostly for trying to steal.

He was really hard headed, but thankfully his bottom wasn’t so hardened.

I suppose the stress of being unemployed, having pretty much the same bills to pay but far less money to do so, was taking its toll on me. It didn’t take as much to anger me as when I had been working. I tried hard not to take it out on Andy, he wasn’t to blame for anything, was just an easy target seemingly always in reach. I didn’t beat him up but I did raise my voice at him far too many times than I should have. It always made me feel really ashamed of myself after shouting at him.

That in turn made it harder to fall asleep at night and got me even more jumpy. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I started noticing Andy cowering away from me. I had made my own son afraid of his dad. Hell, I was getting afraid of myself at times.

John was the one to put me straight. He told me how Andy was afraid of me going to leave him, like his mother had. The worse part was Andy thought he was the one to blame. He just couldn’t figure out what he was doing wrong all the time. Of course he couldn’t, it was me who was wrong. Well, it wasn’t really John who put me straight, he just opened my eyes so I could see the problem.

I called my mom and talked to her about the whole situation. Without holding anything back, it was one of the hardest conversations I’ve had with her since I grew into an adult myself. She listened to me, tried her best to help me, not really succeeding at it. Later that night I got a call from Tom. The very last person I really wanted to talk to. His direct way of talking was what I needed however. He flat out told me to pull my head out of my ass and do something about it.

The next morning I booked a meeting with my doctor who wrote me a subscription for antidepressants. He also made me come back to talk to him twice more that same week for some therapy sessions. Slowly I managed to turn the boat around, with the help of my parents, the doctor, John and even Tom. I stopped applying solely for the same type of jobs I had done before and put far more time into researching the companies I applied for vacant positions at.

I spent more time looking at myself too, worked out what it was that I had to offer an employer. That was probably the hardest thing I had to do while applying for a new job. I had to put aside my depression and objectively look at my skills and even harder still, the values I possessed as a human being.

One day, not too long after that I sat in front of the computer, browsing an online job database. I came across an ad for a job that I had somehow failed to see earlier. The deadline for applying for it was that very same day, but I took a chance and called the contact person listed. He told me that, if I could drop off my resume and transcripts of my education, before noon, they would consider my application.

It didn’t leave me a whole lot of time, I had to write an opening letter, buy a nice envelope along with some really nice paper to print the letter on. Then deliver it to the front desk of the company. All within two and a half hours. I managed to get it there with just three minutes to spare. The opening letter was really half-assed put together, the envelope only had the contact person’s name quickly jotted onto it in handwriting.

So he caught me by surprise when he called a week later, asking if I was still interested in the job. When I told him that indeed I was, he invited me to come to an interview. I was nervous when I went into the building to wait for him at the front desk. People dashing by, all seemingly in a rush to get from one place to another. Most of them from about sixteen-seventeen years old to mid-twenties. Some older than that, but one thing they all had in common was they were students at this technical college.

I had applied for a position as a teacher, somehow thinking the experience I had gotten from being an instructor with the National Guard, could be used for civilian teaching too. Other than that I only had my experience from working with computers to pass on to the students. I was going to teach young people what I had once learned myself. If I got the job, of course.

One of the first things I was told while being interviewed was what the job would pay. It was less than I had made working with the railroad, but since both positions were government, I’d be entitled to the full retirement savings of 18% of my salary from day 1. I wouldn’t have to wait the seven months other newly hired teachers had to. It was something to consider as well, even if I wouldn’t benefit from that until many years later. I left the college an hour later without any signs of having landed the job or not.

The manager called and said I had a job if I still wanted it. I was to meet on the first Monday of June, where I’d sit in on classes, working together with the other teachers until the summer vacation started. The college would close for six weeks over the summer, but that didn’t mean I could just kick back and relax. There were days when all of the teachers would go to the school and we’d plan what subjects each of us would teach and when.

Since I had a bit of experience with computer networking, most of which was getting the darned equipment back to working after it had failed, not really working with the theory behind it, I was to teach Cisco classes. I went home, armed with PowerPoint slides, self-study books and a couple of routers, switches and lots of various network cables. More importantly I also had the phone number to the teacher who used to teach networking.

When I picked up Andy from his school that day, it being his last in 1st grade, he found himself surrounded by Cisco equipment taking up most of the space in the rear seat of my car.

What did you buy all this stuff for?” he asked me as he put on the seatbelt.

I didn’t buy it, it’s what I’m going to teach at school.”

Oh! Dad, guess what?”


Susan told me she likes me. Isn’t that creepy?”

Yes it is. Why would anyone want to like you?”

Aw, daddy! I didn’t mean it like that.”

How did you mean it then? By the way, I love when you call me daddy.”

“’Twas a mistake. Only little kids say daddy. It isn’t cool. I meant it’s creepy a girl likes me.”

Since when was that law put in motion?’ I thought. I did love to be addressed as daddy. It was as much my name as Teddy is. I wondered if John was going to start calling me ‘Ted’, if it was the ‘dy’ part that was so uncool.

What did you tell her then?”

I told her I didn’t like her.”

Then what?”

Then she said she didn’t like me either.”

So, she’s not going to be your new girlfriend?”

Andy refused to talk to me for the rest of the trip home. I know, I know, it was cruel of me to keep teasing him about getting girlfriends, but it was fun to tease him, if only a little every now and then.

When we got home, he forgot all about my teasing when I started hooking up the networking equipment. Soon, the living room floor was full of cables running from one box to another. He asked me a lot of questions, wanting to know what every little thing did. I told him what I could but I don’t think he understood all of it. To be fair, it was hard to understand that the distance between routers could be thousands of kilometers. Especially when the two I had borrowed sat right on top of each other.

My rather rudimentary knowledge only got me as far as being able to figure out which cable went where, mostly due to the fact that the cables could only go into one socket on the equipment. The routers were entry level, nothing at all like the beasts I had worked with at the railroad. Then again, I didn’t have to hook up hundreds if not thousands of computers and other network appliances to be able to learn how it worked.

Frankly I didn’t need to hook up any real equipment in order to build rather large networks. Cisco had developed a program called Packet Tracer which I later used intensively in my classes to demonstrate various technologies. But, sometimes it’s just nice to get your hands dirty and fiddle with real equipment instead of just seeing a 2D version of it on a computer screen.

It was also Friday afternoon, so when John came around I had to put my studies on standby. I tidied up the living room so none of us would trip over a cable. Both boys were now officially in vacation mode, so work just had to make room for fun, at least for a time.

Right after dinner, John wanted me to plug his little bum hole. This time, Andy observed things more closely, almost like he was taking notes along the way.

You put in the smallest one to make John’s hole bigger, right dad?” he asked.

That’s right tiger. When his hole is big enough, I switch to the next size up.”

How can you tell if it’s big enough?”

Well, when the plug moves in and out easily, it means he’s ready. Here, you try.”

Andy took over the control of the plug, nervously I might add, moving it very slowly into his best friend’s butt hole. When the broadest point had passed John’s anus, he let go of the plug watching it be sucked right in as the sphincter tightened up. He pulled at it, forcing it to pop right out again.

That’s kinda neat,” he said.

You should really try it, Andy,” John told him.

Hmm, maybe I will. One day.”

It didn’t really surprise me that Andy was starting to warm up to the idea of having something up his butt. He had seen John getting various items up his bum, he had to wonder why John let me do the things I did to him. John had even let Andy stick his fingers into his bum hole on several occasions. I gently pushed Andy out of the way, it was time to put in the next plug. It still had to be done with a great level of control, something I didn’t trust Andy being able to.

He moved aside willingly, particularly as I handed him the plug that had just been inside John. He looked at it for a bit, went to wash it and came back to see what would happen next. He had brought the smaller plug back with him, explored it with his fingers almost absentmindedly while watching what I did to John.

I was slowly feeding the next sized butt plug into John’s hole, saw how the skin pulled tight around the cone shaped silicone pushing into him. Noticed how his anus adapted to the added circumference the further inside of him it went. John was pushing his butt back towards me, aiding me by willing his sphincter to relax. We didn’t need to communicate by words for this part, not anymore.

If his butt cheeks firmed up, I knew he wanted me to momentarily pause the inward movement. When he’d relax, it meant he was ready for me to continue. I spent a lot longer working the bigger plug into him. Never pushing it fully inside as that would only make his sphincter shrink in size, contradicting what I wanted. He was fairly seasoned by then, taking the second plug into him like it was no bigger than the first while in reality it was very close to the circumference of my dick.

It wasn’t until I switched to the third one that he started showing signs of distress. He’d firm up his buttocks more often and taking longer to relax them when he did. Andy was still watching, silently. It was like he knew that right then it was a time for concentration, not distraction. He had put down the first plug, replaced it for the bigger second plug. He hadn’t cleaned it, but nevertheless let his fingers slide over the surface of the heated silicone slicked by lube and John’s anal juices.

I could tell John was having trouble handling the third plug pushing into him. I had been able to insert the fourth and biggest plug in his butt before, but only twice. This wasn’t going to be the third time that he’d take the biggest into him. I considered going back to the second plug, to go easy on John, but it was like he wanted to show off in front of Andy. Before I really knew what he was planning, he took a sharp intake of air and pushed with all his might back towards me.

I didn’t have time to move my hands away from the plug until he had popped the rest inside of him. The outer edge of his anus looked bright red as it quivered while closing up around the wide base of the plug.

Oooow, that kinda hurt,” John said while he reached back to feel if the plug was finally sitting where he wanted it.

I bet it did. I don’t really like when you do that, buddy.”

Why, it’s my bum?”

It is, but I don’t like seeing you hurting.”

Bleh, it only hurt for a little while.”

Maybe so, but one day you might hurt yourself really badly.”

I didn’t get a reply to that. Instead he slowly turned around to face Andy. John had been halfway laying and kneeling on my bed as I put the butt plugs into his ass.

Andy, you gotta try it, I’m telling you, it’s such a great feeling.”

I dunno. I don’t like pain at all.”

John giggled at that, “Why do you want to play the ball-wrecking game all the time then?”

Ball-wrecking game?’ I wondered. ‘Please, don’t let that be what I think it is.’

I never heard of that game?” I just had to ask the boys.

John laughed at my question, Andy looked almost painfully embarrassed.

It’s also called nut cracking,” John managed to let out in between giggles.

I looked at Andy, he was busy avoiding eye contact. So I had to pump John for more information.

Apparently it was a game that my son had come up with. Well, I’m not sure if I should really use the word ‘game’ to describe the activity. It sounded more like torture to me when John explained it to me. The boys would play it in Andy’s bed. Maybe on his bed is the real word for it, as all the bedding had to be removed first.

So we can’t cover up behind anything,” John explained.

So, they played it on his mattress, if any boy was to leave it, he’d instantly lose the ‘game’. The only clothing allowed was a pair of tight fitting briefs. Nothing else. The only objective was to make the opponent give in by squeezing his nuts tightly with your hand. Of course, the boys would do what they could to protect their own precious testicles, while trying to grab for those of the other one.

Why anyone would subject themselves to something like that is beyond my comprehension, fully aware of how delicate my own balls are. It seems like just looking at them the wrong way will make them hurt instantly.

Mostly it’s Andy who wants us to play it,” John confided, “I dunno why since I pretty much always win.”

Andy looked like he was ready for a hole to open in the ground so he could throw himself into it. I just knew he wouldn’t be able to explain why he’d want to play such a game. I could sort of understand why John readily agreed to playing it, since he was the one winning most of the time. To be able to make someone submit themselves to your mercy, or the lack of it, made you feel powerful.

I don’t always stop right away when he tells me to,” he told me.

Nor would I,’ part of me really wanted to say, instead I said it was okay to play games like that if they really wanted to. As long as they didn’t cause any lasting damage to each other.

I hugged Andy, then tickled him to give him something else to think about. When he curled up on the bed in front of me, leaving his crotch unprotected I grabbed a handful of what he had there and squeezed. Just tight enough for him to know that I could have made him hurt, if I wanted to. He squealed out loud and told me off for grabbing his nuts when he clearly wasn’t ready for it.

Don’t ever try to squeeze my nuts, boys, your bums will make you feel mighty sorry if you do,” I warned them as I got up on my feet, leaving them on the bed. I heard John start to explain Andy why it felt so good to have something stuck inside his butt, but I was more interested in having a smoke than listening in on what he told him.

Whatever it was he told Andy, wasn’t enough to fully convince him of trying it for himself. I could see Andy was still intrigued by the whole thing as he was still fiddling with the two butt plugs that had been inside John’s ass. I made the decision for my son.

C’mere Andy,” I led him to the bathroom.

I simply pulled his sweatpants down, the only clothing he had on at the time. He let me do it, passively standing there. It reminded me of the times when I changed his diaper for him when he was a small toddler. Back then, he also sat or laid mostly passive as I worked his limbs free of the clothes he wore.

He pulled a face when he saw me reaching for the dreaded enema kit. As I look back on that moment now, I could just as easily have used the hose from the sprayer on him. I suppose I wanted to use the kit to make sure I didn’t force too much water into him. Alas, he complained about the amount of water that did enter him. It was much more than I had previously allowed into his rectum, up until then it had only been to loosen up his constipated bowels.

This time, it was to really cleanse his rectum, to make sure no crap would mess up the procedure. John came into the bathroom and actually held Andy’s hands while he was filled with water; he did what he could to comfort Andy, as we all waited for the water to do its job.

Andy wasn’t really interested in letting me fill his butt with water the second time.

Daddy, my bum can’t get any cleaner than it is now,” he tried, seemingly forgetting how uncool it was for him to call me daddy.

He was wrong, as I knew he’d be. It took two more fillings of his butt for it to look somewhat acceptable to me. Of course I couldn’t actually see what the insides of his butt were like, but I could tell by the water leaving his body. I would probably have gone for a fourth enema, if I had thought I’d get away with it. After the third one, Andy downright rejected letting any more water go into him.

He was much happier when he found himself lying face down on my bed with my tongue tickling his bum hole. John in front of Andy, his dick as far into his mouth as it would go. We had done this before, we had at least been in the same position. My tongue had always stayed on the outside of his anus, lapping or gently licking at it. Andy reacted to my tongue suddenly stabbing into his hole, however John held onto his head making sure Andy’s mouth never left his dick.

I could still hear Andy’s half-muffled protests to what my tongue did to him. He flexed his buttocks blocking any further attempts on his butt hole. I gave his left buttock a slightly stinging slap, prompting a gasp from Andy.

Relax your butt for me, son,” I told him.

When he did as I asked, I moved away from him a little, forced him to spread his legs and went back to work getting his hole to open up. It took longer than it had taken with John that first time, but I suppose that’s only what I could have expected. John had known he wanted his hole played with, Andy was still not fully sure it was what he wanted. My patience outlasted his, as finally his hole began adjusting to the continued stabbing of my firmed up tongue.

It wasn’t a moment too soon as my tongue, in fact most of my mouth, was starting to ache from the unusual stuff I was using it for. It wasn’t exactly a daily experience for me to try lick my way inside a small boy’s butt. Not that I would have complained in any way if someone had ordered me to do just that.

When I felt his sphincter relax just a little, I switched from tongue to little finger. With a bit of lube to make things easier, I slipped a little of the finger inside. Just to the point where my nail was hidden from view inside his anus. I tickled his nuts while allowing him a little time to get used to the feeling of something larger than a thermometer entering his butt.

He didn’t firm up his butt again, I don’t know if it was due to him being afraid of another slap to his buttock or if he enjoyed the feeling of my finger inside his bum. Most likely a mix of the two. I was able to freely move my little finger in and out of his butt hole when I decided to put the plug into him. It was of course the smallest one, but it certainly felt large enough to Andy. I didn’t really give him enough time to fully adjust to the plug.

Instead, by then knowing that Andy in one way or another enjoyed at least just a little pain, I grabbed his nut sack and gave it a little squeeze while firmly pushing the plug fully inside of his bum. He let out a short shriek around John’s dick just as the widest point of the plug passed through his anus but settled right down as the plug seated itself inside him. His sphincter happily closed up, almost wrapping itself around the anchor of the plug.

There tiger, you’re all plugged up now,” I told him as I got up and gave him a very gentle slap on his upturned butt.

Andy kept sucking on John’s dick for a bit longer making sure he had his tickles before he stopped. His face a little flushed, but showed no signs of the experience having been too much for him. He pushed his body back until he was kneeling on his hands and knees. He shook his butt a bit, moving it from side to side.

That was easier than I thought,” he said.

Wait for the one I have in my bum to go into yours, that’s a lot worse,” John exclaimed.

I bet it’ll go in easy, just wait and see,” Andy told John, as always he wanted to be better and stronger than the older boy.

Enough of that boys,” I ended it before it would escalate into something neither of the boys would like, “it’s not a competition and you can really hurt yourself if you try to put something too big and too quickly in your bum.”

I insisted on having each boy tell me he’d never try to stick anything into a bum, regardless of it being his own or his friend’s, without asking me first. I did it mostly so I could prevent damage, partly so I could satisfy the other side of me, the one desperate to witness or take part in the boys’ maturing sexual life.

Truth be told, I was having an increasingly harder time distinguishing the two sides from each other. The boundaries weren’t really set in stone, couldn’t be. Take the butt plugs for an example, did I buy them because I loved John and wanted him to experience what he wanted based on that love? Or was it really more a matter of trying to satisfy my own needs?

Suddenly I felt confused, on one hand I wanted to rip the plugs out of the boys and never let them play with them again. Wanted to take away all their knowledge of sex, turn them back into two innocent little boys again. On the other hand, I wanted them to experience everything they possibly wanted. To make them be able to decide for themselves what they enjoyed and what they didn’t.

It just isn’t normal for small kids to have sex,’ I thought, ‘but what is normal anyway? Who was it that got to decide whether or not something was normal?’

If it had been a religious leader of some sorts it won’t surprise me. Weren’t they the ones who despised anything other than worshipping some unfathomably entity, holy to them? Once in my country, they used to burn people while they were still alive. Only reason for it was they were suspected of being abnormal, at least they stopped doing that many years ago.

In more modern times, they lifted the ban on all pornography here, and no, not just the ‘normal’ stuff. Child porn was legal too, while that is really hard to grasp now. Everyone seems afraid, maybe ashamed of the nude body or the feelings just seeing someone naked might arise in some people. ‘Experts’ instill fear in parents and they transfer it to their children. To the point where children and young people think something is wrong with their body unless it’s a carbon copy of famished models.

Simply because it’s pretty much the only naked people they’ll ever get to see.

Well, it wasn’t how I was raising Andy, nor John. While I doubt John ever got to see Michelle naked, at least Andy had on several occasions. I guess it was my little personal rebellion towards the normality forced upon me everywhere I went. Those thoughts have accompanied me for a long time and probably will stay with me until the day I take my last breath of air.

Again, I chose to just let things happen, however from then on, I’d take a more active role in the sex games my boys wanted to play. No longer trying to just observe and guide when needed, but introducing them to new things when I thought they were ready. Like I had done that day stuffing a butt plug into Andy more or less against his will, simply because I knew he wanted it to happen. He was just afraid of taking the first step by himself.

The boys spent the rest of the day and evening with the plugs inside of them. From the time when Andy got plugged until we were having dinner, he had often reached for the base of the plug, fiddled with it and gently tugged at it. He had talked seemingly nonstop of how it felt to him until John finally got tired of listening to him. I wasn’t eavesdropping on them, they were playing in the living room while I was cooking and with the open-plan house I own, I heard just about every word they said to each other.

Shut up already! You’re driving me nuts. I know what it feels like, I got one in my bum too, you know?”

Sorry, John,” Andy said, “It’s just that it’s the first time for me and I actually like it. You know, it touches something inside my…”

Grrr, Andy! I know, I know, I know! You told me a hundred times already.”

Does yours do that too?”

Yes. But it’s like all the time now. It rubs against that spot. It kinda feels nice but also not nice.”

How can it be nice and not nice at the same time?”

It’s like when your back itches and you just can’t scratch it. But if I sit like this and move this way then it feels really nice.”

I looked away from the lump of meat I was busy trying to slice into steaks. Well, the meat was veal, so I guess it can’t really be called steaks. I’d cut off a decent chunk of meat, then spank the living daylights out of it with a mallet. Both flattening and tenderizing the meat. Right then, the boy’s conversation was more exciting to listen to, though.

Especially seeing John sitting on his bum, hugging his knees in front of him, rocking back and forth. It didn’t take much of an imagination to picture the base of the plug touching the floor underneath him; his rocking motion making the plug move inside of him. That would make the fairly large plug rub over his prostate, resulting in the nice feelings he experienced.

Andy tried to mimic him.

I can’t get it to work,” he said sounding frustrated.

It’s not big enough,” John explained, “the bum thing needs to be bigger.”


Andy got on his feet and walked to me. I noticed him get up and that’s when I got back to hammering at the meat in front of me. You know, the veal, not my dick!

He approached me silently, I didn’t hear him until he stood right next to me on tiptoes trying to see what I was pounding at on the kitchen counter.

Dad, why are you beating the meat?”

I stopped hammering, looked down at my naked son and told him without batting an eye, “’Cuz it feels so darned good. I thought you knew that?”

What?” he was perplexed.

Beating your meat? You don’t know what that means?”

Uhm, no?”

I didn’t grab his dick, but pointed at it with the end of the hammer’s handle.

That’s your meat. Beating your meat means playing with it, masturbating it.”

He giggled at that, “But that’s not what you’re doing.”

No, I’m just making the meat flat so it won’t take so long to cook it.”

Cool. When are we going to eat? I’m hungry.”

You’re always hungry. It’ll be ready in twenty minutes or so.”



When will you put something bigger in my bum?”


Chapter 39.

Andy sure wasn’t pleased with my decision to not immediately put a larger plug in his bum. When John told him just how long it had taken him to get used to the smallest of the four plugs, I could see the impatience in his eyes. Over the course of dinner, veal with new boiled potatoes, pees and sauce, he tried to come up with reasons of why he should enter the fast lane to butthole enlargement.

It took John six weeks to get ready for the next one?”

John nodded affirmatively before I had a chance to say yes.

How many nights did you sleep with it inside?”

Five or six,” John told him.

So I can just sleep with it in my bum every night for a week. Then I’ll be ready for the next one too.”

It’s not that simple, tiger. Your butthole will get really sore if you have a plug in it for so long.”

Andy glared at me when I finished saying that. He tried another approach.

How about I sleep one night with it in and then one without? Then put it in again? Would that work?”

I had to tell him as it was, I had no real clue as to whether it would be enough time for his bum to recover with only one night of rest. He immediately jumped at the opportunity, sensing a weakness in my reasoning.

If you’re not sure, then we’ll just hafta try and see what happens.”

That was really the end of that discussion. Well, I could have insisted harder on doing it my way or not at all, but I knew sooner or later he’d just get his way anyway. Besides, I had enough of talking about buttholes while eating dinner. It was bad enough both boys were sitting naked at the table and couldn’t keep from reaching down between their legs and fiddle with what was there. They only touched themselves and only every now and then, still it was distracting to me.

After dinner, the boys put on a show for me, albeit one they weren’t aware of. A half hour long Disney show was on, and both of them decided to lie on the floor in front of the TV. Face down, heads propped up in their hands, lower legs randomly changing from laying on the floor, bent up into the air or tight against their thighs. Pushing their heels into their buttocks.

If I looked closer at their bums, I could see the end of the red foreign object protruding from the center of each of them. Well, I did zoom in on those bums, wouldn’t you have done the same thing if you had been sitting in my lazy armchair?

Neither boy wanted their plugs removed when it was time for their evening bath so I made them take a shower instead. I didn’t even get wet myself that evening, they just washed each other. I only got to put Andy into his diaper and inspect the result of their tooth brushing.

Later that night, when the door to my bedroom silently opened, I expected to see John wanting to have me stick-it-in-his-bum. I got mildly surprised when instead I saw Andy. And only him.

He closed the door behind him quietly then turned to me, “Daddy, John told me you put some buzzing thing in his bum?”

It could only be the vibrator he meant.


He said it was smaller than the plug I got in my bum now?”

It is.”

I knew what would be the next words out of my son’s mouth.

Can I try it? Please?”

It’s really kind of late now, tiger, why don’t we do it in the morning?”

No, I want to try it. Now!”

Okay, then. But I want you to do something to me while I do that to you.”


I want you to suck my dick and swallow my sperm.”

Aww, I hafta swallow it?”

Yes, you do. All of it too.”

He looked at me, sleepily but also with a hint of excitement in his face. I don’t think he was actually horny, but certainly excited at the idea of getting to play a new game. Not only new, but one that supposedly would feel good to him as well.

He agreed to my terms, left his pajamas on the floor and climbed onto the bed, joining me.

You’re a little overdressed still, tiger.”

I helped him remove the last item covering his private parts. I kind of needed access to at least one of them to show him this new game.

I got the vibrator, lube and towel ready on the bed next to me, then I laid down on my back.

Okay, Andy, get on top of me now, face near my dick, legs either side of my head.”

As he got settled in, I could see how his butt splayed open in front of my eyes. But I couldn’t really get to it from the way we were laying.

Andy, sorry, pull your legs towards you, yeah, just like that.”

He was now pretty much doubled over, his knees on either side of my body, and my arms were now free. I told him to start sucking and when he did I took hold of the plug inside his butt. It wasn’t easy to move, felt pretty much like it had been welded into place. I tugged at it harder and it moved a bit only to sink right back in when I lost my hold of it.

What are you doing daddy?”

I need to get the plug out of your butt.”

It feels kinda nice.”

It does, it’s almost the same feeling when someone has sex with you.”

You mean like if John put his dick in my bum?”

Yes, well, John’s dick is still a bit too small to make you feel really good. It’ll feel really nice to him but you would only really feel it moving in and out of your bum.”

Oh. Is that why he likes it when you stick your dick in his bum?”

I think so. Why don’t you ask him tomorrow?”

I hadn’t stopped trying to wedge the plug out of him, but only succeeded when I finally wrapped part of the towel around it. Every time I got it just a bit out of him, it sank right back in, but in the process some of Andy’s natural musky juices, and the lube I had put inside him, slipped around the wider part of the plug. It made the silicone too slippery to get a proper grip on the darned thing.

I could have gotten some with a wider base, but had purposely bought these for John, so that he could wear one without anyone being able to notice it through his clothing.

Finally I could see Andy’s sphincter bulge before it spat out the rest of the plug. It still looked clean even after sitting inside him for hours. After glancing at the clock radio I reluctantly decided to only give him the condensed introduction to the vibrator. I wanted to rim his cute little butthole again but it was really too late in the evening for it. It was way past his usual bedtime and even if it was summer and weekend, it was better for him to stick to the schedule.

It wasn’t as if by magic, he suddenly needed less time sleeping just because he didn’t need to get up and go to school.

 With a little lube on the vibrator, I powered it up and gently pushed it into his hole. Andy giggled around the head of my dick and moved his body around on top of me. He kept doing that while I tried to find a setting on the vibrator that would feel sensual to him not ticklish.

It just wasn’t possible and finally I listened to Andy’s repeated pleas to stop tickling his bum. Well, I stopped when he threatened to pee on my chest. I couldn’t just leave him hanging like that however, besides my dick was begging for the kid to stop giggling and start sucking. I shut off the vibrator and replaced it with my index finger. I snaked it inside of his bum, it moved easily in, his hole already having been adjusted to the width of the plug and vibrator.

I went straight for his happy spot, my finger already knew the route by heart from the number of times it had sought out John’s prostate. While there might have been slight differences between the two boys, they were so similar inside, it was hard to tell which boy’s ass I had my finger inside. It was the first time for Andy to have something really prod his happy spot and at first he scooted away from the invading finger. It was just for a short second then he pushed his butt back for more.

I thought he was humming on my dick until I managed to pick up the sound. It was moaning I could hear, very faint, but moaning nonetheless. Reaching for his dick I found it to be flaccid. He resembles me in so many ways, this was but one of them.

I always shrivel right up when someone manipulates my prostate, not that I don’t like it, I quite enjoy it actually. It’s just that my dick seems to know that it’s not going to see any action anyway, so it might as well take a little breather. If it’s touched however, it’ll soon be able to join the party.

Andy’s dick was the same, it was just younger than mine so it was ready to party almost instantly. I jacked him off while I ever so gently massaged the protruding bump inside his butthole.

Don’t stop sucking Andy, I’m almost ready to shoot.”

I had to keep him to it, he had stopped while enjoying the stuff happening to his hind quarters. I could, maybe I should, have just let him enjoy what I did, but I really didn’t want him to just fall asleep on me after he got his kiddy cum. After all, he had to understand that sex is just as much about giving as receiving pleasure. If you can manage both at the same time, it’s such a great experience.

I shot my sperm into his mouth and while he was trying hard not to drown, I got him over the hill too. Well, he was at least swallowing while I felt his bum contract around my finger. True to his word, he made sure to lick my dick head super clean before he finally let go of it and rested his head next to it. The hair on the back of his head tickled like crazy on my now very sensitive glans, so I had him roll my foreskin back over it.

I left my finger inside him for another minute then pushed the plug back inside his bum. He didn’t move a muscle even as the widest part spread his hole yet again.

Are you sleeping, tiger?”

No,” he said, “just resting. Can we stay like this, just for a little while?”

It sure would be nice if we could, but you’ll just fall asleep. Let’s get you back in your own bed okay?”


He might not have been sleeping, but he sure wasn’t fully awake either. I pushed him off me and he didn’t move from the position his body landed in.

I knew he was only pretending to be asleep, I had done that so often myself when I was his age. Mostly when my parents had dragged me along to visit some of their friends who lived an hour away. We’d only leave when it was really late and I’d spend the entire time driving home sleeping in the backseat of the car. When we got home, I woke up as my dad turned off the engine but ‘slept’ while he carried me into my room and undressed me for bed.

I really loved when he did that. When I got a little older, my mom caught me being awake and from then on, I had to enter the house and get ready for bed on my own. Otherwise they’d just leave me in the car. I’m not kidding, they did do that once, and I actually spent the night sleeping in the car. It was extremely strange waking up, very early in the morning, alone in a very cold car with steamy windows from my breathing. But it did teach me a lesson, I suppose.

I was tired myself, that night when Andy faked being asleep, but I couldn’t just go to sleep without getting Andy into his diaper. My mattress, unlike his, wasn’t protected by a plastic sheet underneath the normal sheet.

I somehow willed myself into action, got his diaper strapped around his waist and pajamas on his body. Finally dropped him into his bed and covered him up. I briefly checked on John, he was fortunately deep into his sleep. After a kiss on Andy’s lips I went to bed myself.

That first week of our summer break from school, Andy alternated between sleeping with and without the plug. He absolutely hated the enemas I administered but since I wouldn’t stick the plug into his bum unless he was clean on the inside, he accepted the discomfort.

Dad, it doesn’t mean I like you doing it,” he told me as he was getting ready to have his bum filled with water yet again, “I only let you do it ‘cuz I wanna feel like John did.”

Well, you can keep the plug in you all day tomorrow.”

John had done that, I couldn’t see any reason for Andy not to. It would be a little different for Andy as we were at home and didn’t have any plans nor needed to go anywhere for the day. We’d even have the day all to ourselves.

John had gone to Mallorca, a Spanish island popular to charter tourists. He hadn’t gone alone of course, his parents and Jane were with him on a two week vacation. They had been a little sad of having to be separated but John had practically lived at our house during the first week of summer. That kind of made up for the two weeks they had to get by without their best friend.

Besides, Andy wouldn’t just mope around at home for two weeks with nothing to do but long for John’s returning. I had talked to the parents of his two new friends at school and had organized some play dates for the three kids. If all went well, I’d take them on a hiking trip in one of the larger state forests. It wasn’t anything major, just a two day journey by foot where we’d sleep outside.

We’d only have to walk about fifteen miles all in all, but it was enough to make it feel like we were the only people alive on Earth. It had been easy enough to get the other parents to agree to the hike. They knew I was in the Guard and that I knew what to do if something went wrong. While I didn’t exactly qualify to be an emergency medical responder, I had taken almost the same courses as one.

The play dates was basically just a way for us adults to spend some time together and get to know one another. The kids already played with each other at school and got along nicely. Heck, Susan had the hots for Andy, even if it wasn’t mutual. I didn’t want Andy to grow up being uncomfortable around the other sex like I had, and if I could have the two of them get closer to each other, maybe it wouldn’t happen. I didn’t mean for them to start having sex or anything.

Anyway, the play dates went fine, the three kids spent time playing while we grownups hung out. I’m not a very outgoing person by nature, but I can push myself to cross the boundaries made up by my own insecurity. I tire a lot from doing so, but for a short amount of time I can converse with anyone and they’ll walk away thinking I had a great time. I just prefer to live in my own little bubble with very little interference from other people.

I didn’t want to force Andy to grow up like I had with only one person to call friend at a time. John was to Andy what Casey had been to me. I feared that their friendship would turn out like mine with Casey had. One of them outgrowing the other, leaving one helplessly behind. Step one to prevent that, was to introduce more kids to them, hopefully both boys would end up with a lot of friends they could depend on.

As it turned out, Susan’s mother was rather protective of her daughter. She didn’t feel entirely comfortable about letting Susan go on a hike with two boys and a man she didn’t know much about. She told me this privately, so I suggested a sleepover at my house. She could call and check up on how things were, even come by unannounced if she wanted to. Of course I had no ulterior motives as to having Susan spend the night, I couldn’t really care less of what she had in her knickers.

As to Randall, well I already had two boys who were more than interested in having sex with me, I didn’t need a third one to compete for my attention. Now, if he had expressed an interest I might have picked up on it, I never promised the boys I’d stay away from others, neither had they asked that of me. Randall was just an average eight years old kid, certainly he was cute in his own way, but not someone I absolutely had to have sex with.

I didn’t think Andy or John would want to jump the poor kid’s bones either. After all, they had each other to have that kind of fun with.

The sleepover went extremely well, I mostly let the kids alone. I let them stay up later than I normally would have allowed Andy to, just asked them to get ready for the night at a time I thought appropriate. They didn’t have a bath nor a shower that night, which I didn’t really mind, Andy wouldn’t exactly die from missing his nightly bath. The temptation of seeing someone in the buff was something I was glad to avoid as well.

Susan’s mother did call, but apparently whatever Susan told her was fine with the mother. At least she didn’t hurry over to pick her up. Andy had never had two friends sleeping over before, actually the only other person to sleep with him in his bedroom earlier had been John. He only had the bunkbed in there, which meant room for two people to sleep. I had originally planned to have Susan in the top bunk by herself, Andy in the lower bunk and Randall sleep on a mattress on the floor.

When I checked on them later that night, when silence had finally taken over the noise from three kids playing with each other, I found Susan in the top bunk. Andy and Randall was sleeping in the lower one. Andy with his head on his pillow as per usual, Randall had put his pillow in the foot end of the bed and gone to sleep there.

I hope none of them will kick their feet about, the other might take a hit to his groin,’ I thought, ‘oh well. Both of them are at least heavily padded down there.’

I had lifted their covers, just out of curiosity really. That and a need to see that Andy had indeed put on his diaper. Both boys had on a short legged and sleeved pajamas due to the warm weather of summer. I couldn’t tell what kind of diaper Randall was wearing but I could tell he had one on. The bulging of his midsection was a clear sign of it.

I had pulled the boy aside earlier that night and as he looked at me through his glasses, I told him to just slip his used diaper into the plastic bag I had left on the counter in the bathroom.

Just leave it on the floor and I’ll throw it out for you, okay?” I made sure he had understood.

He nodded and scampered back to the bedroom to rejoin the others.

His glasses were right next to a glass of water on a chair sitting next to the bed. I studied his face as he lay there sleeping. He was completely at ease, no wrinkles on his face. He looked completely different without his glasses. When I looked closer I could see where they had rested on the bridge of his nose, just two oval indentions in his skin that hadn’t completely smoothened out yet.

When I let my eyes wander to the side of his head I could see a narrow and very straight line across his skin. It looked like someone had taken a pink colored marker and drew a line from the top of his ear towards his nose. I briefly wondered what it was.

You idiot, it’s from where the arms of the glasses cover his temple,’ I thought when I finally got it figured out, ‘It’s where the sun was blocked from getting to his skin.’

I nearly fell for the temptation of reaching out and let a fingertip follow the line seemingly etched into his skin. I wanted to sooth the kid, suddenly feeling sorry for him needing glasses just to be able to see clearly. Something I took for granted. I picked up his glasses to see how much they weighed. It surprised me to find out that they were actually quite heavy. Gingerly, I put them back down exactly where I had taken them from.

I left the bedroom with a heavy heart. Kids shouldn’t have to be burdened by the hard facts of life from such a young age. At least he probably never knew what it was like to be able to see without glasses. Much like he, and Andy too, had never slept through a night without wetting himself. That he would grow out of, but his eyes would never fix themselves. For that he’d need surgery and even then it wasn’t certain he’d never need glasses again.

Yeah, I know it’s such a minor thing, nothing really, compared to cancer or diabetes but still it seemed such a waste to an otherwise perfect little boy.

I put on “We were soldiers” to get the depressive thoughts out of my mind. Yes, it’s a sad movie when you give yourself time to reflect over what happens in it, but in other ways it depicts the fellowship you feel as a soldier when things get tough. You can only do your best and hope that everyone on your side does the same. Then hope it’ll be enough to live to see another day.

Finally, I managed to go to sleep and sleep like a little kid throughout the rest of the night.

I woke to the sounds coming through the wall from Andy’s bedroom. The kids weren’t making a lot of noise, they certainly hadn’t been the reason I woke. I woke simply because I was done sleeping, not something I’m used to, but something I could easily get used to. I almost felt like I was a young teenager again, well-rested, ready for whatever the day would throw at me. Almost, because unlike when I was a teen, I now had obligations to others than myself.

My bladder allowed me to lay for another five minutes in my bed before it forced me to get up. I put some clothes on, with Randall and Susan in the house I couldn’t walk around naked. I didn’t know what their reaction to seeing me without clothes would be and I wasn’t keen to find out either. I found the bag on the floor as I figured I would but with two diapers in it, not one. One was Andy’s and the other had to be Randall’s. I didn’t recognize the brand but I do know what a diaper looks like.

I put the diapers in the trash can outside, washed my hands and got breakfast ready. All three kids joined me when it was time to eat, not earlier of course, and they nearly managed to slip back into Andy’s bedroom before I loudly cleared my throat. Andy gave me a sheepish look but didn’t object to clearing the table for me.

With Randall and Susan to help, it didn’t take them long to put everything where it belonged and Susan even wiped over the table with a damp cloth. Something Andy never did unless I told him to. Just before lunch Randall’s mother picked him up. Susan’s mother arrived at 3PM to whisk her daughter away from my house.

Did you have a nice time?” I asked Andy now that we were finally alone again.

I had a great time!”

Even after Randall left?”

Yeah. You know, sometimes I forget Susan is a girl.”

I knew. I also knew that those words coming from my son was a great compliment.

So you wouldn’t mind if she came along hiking with us?”

No. Wait, what hike?”

It was the first he heard of this. I hadn’t taken my son hiking or just camping after we went with Michelle. You can call me a bad parent all you like, but I had spent so much time outside with the Guard that any need I might have felt to camp outside was by far satisfied. It was just so much easier to have indoor plumbing, a stove that wouldn’t move while I cooked and didn’t require gas or a steady supply of wood to burn.

Not to mention the comfort of sleeping in a real bed, not having to worry of mosquitoes with the ability to take off with a small baby. Or the even smaller insects that always seemed to find a way to get to your face no matter how many layers of clothing or the amount of repellent you sprayed on yourself.

Andy had shown an interest to basic survival, even wanted to watch stuff like the Robinson Expedition (Survivor), a show with ordinary men and women that had to live on a desolate island competing to stay on the show every week. It bored me to bits having to watch that show with him, having to listen to the intrigues and witness the annoying tactics everyone used to be able to win the prize of roughly $100,000.

Andy fortunately wasn’t interested in the intrigues and the backstabbing taking place in the show, he was simply watching it to see what they managed to build with next to no tools. Hence my reason for taking him on a hike. I also wanted to find some activities for him, something that would get him out of the house and out amongst kids his own age. The small city we lived in had quite a few sports clubs and more than one pack of scouts.

If he got hooked on hiking, I planned to talk to him about joining the scouts and then figure out if he was interested in a more physically demanding sport. I knew he was fairly competent with a soccer ball, something I never was and he happily watched handball matches with me. Handball is an indoor sports, extremely physically and at times quite dramatic too. It’s not a contact sport per say, but more often than not, a player ends up needed medical attention.

The only problem was Andy’s size. He was still a small boy not just in height but really overall. I had to take that into consideration as well. After the fight he had been in at his old school, now more or less a forgotten event, I had taught him some self-defensive moves. So karate or some other kind of martial arts was perhaps better for him. Truth be told, there were so many options I had trouble narrowing them down to a conceivable level.

If I had presented all of them to him, I’m afraid he would’ve wanted to try every one of them and end up having just as much trouble as I had to decide which of them he’d sign up for. I decided that he could pick two things. Scouts and a sport or two sporting disciplines. That and school would fill up the days of the week nicely, but still leave him enough time to spend with his friends.

Hey dad, what hike?” he asked me again.

Oh, well, I was wondering if you’d go hiking in the forest with me and hopefully Randall and Susan,” I told him. I could see the excitement building in him, “But I know you’re probably more interested in staying at home with your computer.”

Of course Andy wanted to spend two days in a fucking dull forest and so did Susan and Randall. I had chosen a forest I knew well as most of it was inside the military terrain we regularly used for our drills. All I had to do was pick up the phone and call the barracks in charge of the terrain and find out when it wasn’t being used by the military. Then call the parents and let them know when the hike would be and what their kids would need to bring and, more importantly, shouldn’t bring.

We planned the hike to take place a week from then, it would give us enough time to buy whatever things the kids would need. With the gear I had from the Guard, I was ready to go, but the same couldn’t be said about Andy. All thoughts of the upcoming hike were pushed aside for the time being when Andy told me he’d like me to give him a bath.

This had become one of his ways of letting me know that he wanted to get sexual with me. He was on a mission too, ever desperately trying to get me to “put in the next one”. Yep, he wanted badly to experience the feelings John had told him about. Even more so after I had made him climax by massaging his prostate with my finger. Which I did every time I unplugged him in the mornings after he had slept with the plug inside him.

That afternoon was when I relented and ‘upgraded’ him.

Dad, my butt is ready for the next one,” he told me after I had seated the smallest plug inside him, “you hafta know it too.”

He was telling the truth, actually I had felt it on the third day of plugging him, but didn’t want to hurt John’s feelings by giving Andy the upper hand in their boyish competition. The boys were rather different, John was much mellower than Andy. He was much easier to please than Andy. Andy was always trying to get the most out of anything in the quickest way possible. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing to always strive for improvement.

Sometimes I just wished he’d slow down and enjoy what he had instead of ever demanding more. Maybe it was due to his mother leaving him or the fight at his old school, I’m not sure. I was just afraid he’d end up getting hurt or hurting someone else if he ever reached the point where he just couldn’t get to the next level. No matter if it was in a computer game or something more serious than that.

He was ready for number two plug, both mentally and physically however. He almost cheered when he saw me reaching for that bigger plug. I had him turn over on the bed so he was on his back with his legs pulled back. I wanted to be able to look at his facial expressions while I worked on getting the bigger plug inside of his bum. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to trust him to tell me if it hurt him too much. I knew he could lie to me verbally, but in his eyes was where I would find the truth.

Andy took that second plug into his butt quicker and more easily than I had thought possible. A boy who had often enough wrinkled his nose in disgust at getting anything stuck into his butt, seemed more into anal sex than John who absolutely loved it. Okay, he took it easier, but it wasn’t exactly painless to him when the plug finally slid all the way in. His eyes watered up briefly, but he smiled softly in triumph when he realized he had done it.

I felt a bit remorseful at the sight of my son laying there with a plug up his ass. I could hear Michelle’s words reverbing in my mind.

You fucking corrupted him, Teddy,” I kept hearing her say over and over as I watched Andy smile at me.

Well, to this day, I’m still not sure whether she was right about that or not. Did I just help Andy realize what it was he had always wanted and eventually would have found out on his own? Or did I in fact push both him and John out of their comfort zone, only to get them ready for me to abuse?

I was afraid of what I had started would end in disaster. That it would be like a snowball rolling down a hillside ever growing in size until it would grow big enough to smash anything it met on its way down. I knew I had to somehow safely guide it to the bottom of the hill where it would eventually stop rolling. I hoped I wouldn’t fall trying to keep up with it. No, I really prayed for not falling.