Date: Tue, 7 Dec 2010 22:36:48 -0500 From: Johnathan Johnson Subject: To love or not to love Part 3 To love or not to love -- Part 3 Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com "Good afternoon, Je..." Before he even finished the sentence my eyes shot open and I said, "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?" "I apologize, Jeffrey is here says he's your brother." I was in shock at that point and couldn't speak, my hands were actually shaking. I hadn't seen or heard from him in four years. I didn't know whether to be scared, excited or furious. But in almost a whisper I said to the doorman, "Send him up, thanks." My entire body was shaking, I had no idea what the hell to do or think. Four years had gone by that I had not spoken to this man. Someone that for almost 10 years, from the time I was 12 till I was 21 beat the shit out of me every time he saw me, and at the same time I was in love with was here. By the time I had gotten a pair of shorts and t-shirt on the doorbell rang. I slowly walked down the hall from my bedroom to the front door, and with a shaky hand opened it up. And there stood my brother Jeff. He almost filled the entire space of the door, I think he was even bigger than the last time I saw him years ago. We just stood there staring at each other, I had no idea what to say to him. I wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him, and at the same time wanted to slam the door in his face. But I did neither, just stood there and stared into his emerald green eyes, and was once again slammed with the fact that I was head over heels in love with him. Finally he spoke, "Hi John." I again, just stood frozen in place just staring at him, still not knowing what to say or do, until finally I blinked my eyes to shake myself from my revere and said, "Hi Jeff." And again we just stood there in silence until he spoke again, "Happy Birthday, can I come in?" I again, blinked my eyes said thanks and waved him in and shut the door behind us. He paused and let me go in front of him I walked him in to the living room and gestured him to sit down. As he walked over to the couch I first realized that he was taking off a back pack and setting it on the floor. I immediately knew what had happened in some shape or form. Either my parents kicked him out of the house, or the girlfriend had, or he lost something, whatever it was, he needed a place to go. And I chuckled to myself, well at least I've got the upper hand this time around. Then again, I've thought that before and have been wrong. As he sat down on the couch, I sat down on the other end of the couch and just stared at him as he did back at me, again I don't think either of us really knew what to say to each other anymore. Usually the only form of communication I ever got from him was his fist or some derogatory statement, but I felt it was safe enough to think that, that wasn't going to be the case this time. After a few minutes of silence he leaned over and unzipped the front part of his backpack and pulled out a blue envelope and then sat back up and said, "I figured I would deliver this in person rather than mail it. Happy Birthday John," and very slowly extended his arm and handed me the envelope. As I took it from him our eyes locked again and just stayed that way for what seemed like hours but probably wasn't more than a minute or two and I said, "Thank you Jeff, means a lot to me that you did this." I hadn't intended on saying all of that, but I was trying hard enough to hold back tears let along control what was coming out of my. I was wondering what the card might say. `Happy Birthday, time for your beating' or `Im sorry' or I don't know what. I just held it in my hand, still not knowing what to do, until finally I just calmed myself down and opened the envelope and slipped out the card. On the front was a very nicely scriptured `Happy Birthday' and as I opened the card a bunch of little cards fell in to my lap. I picked one of them up and stared at it, and then up at him. It was one of the `Get out of jail free' cards that I had given him, and then I looked down to see that it was all 13 of them. He had kept each and every one of them, and I knew that they were originals too, because they had the tiny little markings on them that you could just barely see. And it was at that point that I could no longer control my tears and they just started to drip and then flow. But I quickly tried to at least compose myself and look up at him again and watched his face and eyes and then he finally spoke, "John, I know I don't have any right to be here, I don't deserve to be here. Quite honestly I'm surprised you actually let me past the doorman, let alone inside your home. And I can't really comprehend why or how it is that you can still look at me after all that I did, but I am grateful for it, and it will at least give me the opportunity to say what I have to and then I guess you can decide what it is you want to do." I just looked at him and slowly nodded my head, and he took a deep breath and continued on, "John, I don't really know how to explain why it is that I did what I did. I know that it was inhumane and wrong and something that you of all people did not deserve in any which way. And I wish I could take it all back but I can't. And me saying I'm sorry really doesn't really cut it. I know that, but I don't know what else to say. I am sorry, eternally sorry. And you do have every right to hate me, and I'm sure on some level if not all levels that you do, and who could blame you, certainly not me. I just didn't want to go any longer without at least telling you this. And if you want me to leave, I will, but I still had to tell you that I was sorry. And I'm sorry for the way that everyone treated you, and what you had to grow up and live with, I can't speak for everyone else, I don't know what their reasoning was for it, but you didn't deserve it. And on the same token I commend you, quite honestly I envy you. I'm amazed at what you have been able to accomplish in your life, and you did it all by yourself. I wish I had that power, that ability. But I'm rambling, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and Happy Birthday." I just sat there and stared at him. He really didn't say anything other than "I'm sorry", danced around it, but basically that's all he said. And I thought to myself `well I can see he's not here to kill me so it's time I said my piece, what I've wanted to for a long time, I may not get an answer or resolution to it, but at least he'll hear it. I finally just opened my mouth and started talking, "Jeff, do you have any idea what you did to me for almost 10 years? How much you hurt me? How many scars I have? You think you were good enough to never leave marks, well guess what, you left hundreds of them. And even a few visible ones. What did I ever do to you? What more did you want from me? I did everything you asked, I covered everything you did, helped you as much as I could. What more did you want? Why did you hate me so much? If you didn't want to be around me or I was in your space all you had to do was tell me that and I would have left. Would have given you anything you wanted. All I ever asked of you was why. That's all I wanted to know, that's all I want to know. Didn't you get it? All I ever cared about was you. Why the hell do you think I stayed? Why do you think I took everything? I could have run away, could have left the house and fended for myself if I wanted to, and quite frankly for the most part I did. But do you know why I stayed? I stayed because I loved you, because in a sick and twisted way, you were the only person that ever paid any attention to me, acknowledged that I existed. In your own way, but you did. And because I believed that underneath it all, there was a good and loving person in there somewhere, and that was the person I loved. And even now I every so often look around and laugh at the fact that everyone thought that you were the `gifted' one, the one who could do nothing wrong. Got himself in himself into Harvard, was a sports star, did it all. But you knew the truth, and paid attention to it, and used it, used me. But I laugh now, because look what I've been able to do. Look how I live Jeff, I'm wealthy, I've traveled the world, and I have the circle of friends that I always dreamed about having. And on top of all that, I'll even throw something else at you, I'm also able to be me here, and not have to fear the world if anyone found out. That's right Jeff I'm gay, so there's something else you can hate me for. But you see, there has always been one little wrench into all of it. I've never had anyone that I loved to share it with, to show that I did it. To show that I'm not as stupid or as worthless as everyone thought. You see Jeff, like I said to you to begin with, all I ever wanted to know was why. I don't hate you, I could never hate you, I've tried and failed, as sick and twisted as it is, all I've ever been able to do, is love you, and I always will. And after this I'll never ask anything else of you, it can go back to exactly what it was, and apparently what everyone down there wanted, John to just disappear. But I just need to know why." At this point I knew that I was a mess, the tears were flowing down my face, my nose was running. But I had finally said what I've wanted to for years. Whether it accomplished anything at all I don't know, but it was out there, he now knows how I feel and what I went through. As I finally looked him in the face I could see a look of shock and fear on his face -- good it's about time he got to be the one to be in fear. I just sat there staring at him, waiting for a response. I wanted to hear something, some sort of reasoning better than what he gave me before of "I'm sorry". As I watched his face, I could actually see him trying to speak, but not being able to, and every time he opened his mouth to speak nothing came out. And then I saw the tears start to roll down his cheeks, and at first, I felt bad that I made him cry, but on the same token again, maybe he'd finally understand even on a minimal level what it was I went through, as I was thinking I heard him start to speak, "John, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know how to explain it." And I just looked back at him cut him off and said, "Try, it might shock you just how much I can actually understand. Look Jeff, you've got your `get out of jail free' opportunity right now. I'm giving you the opportunity to erase all of this -- to actually leave this behind and move forward. But I can't do that unless I understand why it happened to begin with. Is that really so much to ask? But I also want you to know something else, if we don't fix this now, it's not going to happen. I do love you, I'm in love with you and I always will be. But I've spent a lot of years healing and growing and moving past what happened, and I want to close that wound for good. So you've got the power in your hands as to how I close it. With you as a part of my life, or not, its all in your hands." Again, another look of shock on his face and he said, "You're in love with me?"