Date: Tue, 14 Dec 2010 09:55:31 -0500 From: Johnathan Johnson Subject: To love or not to love - part 5 To love or not to love -- Part 5 Comments welcome at: jjjohnson8221@gmail.com At that point I actually turned and looked at the closed door to his bedroom and just stared at it, having flash backs as to what would be happening right now 4 years ago, I'd be sitting on the bed crawled up in a ball waiting for the next punch to come and wondering where it was going to land. And right at that point, I felt a shot of pain run through my body, the scar on my left thigh the he had left from that very last night four years ago, throbbed like hell, to the point that my leg almost buckled. But then blinked my eyes again, and thought back an hour ago to watching him cry on the couch and becoming that scared little boy, worrying that he wouldn't have anywhere to go. And as I was thinking about that, the phone rang and I was shaken from my revere, it was Sam calling to wish me a Happy Birthday. I had totally forgotten about the fact that it was my birthday today, and all of the plans that I had tonight that I really wasn't supposed to know about. And now I wondered what I was going to do with Jeff. And I quickly said to Sam, "You are never going to believe who showed up at my door 2 hours ago." There was silence on the phone and then he said, "Actually I have an idea, but I'm afraid to find out whether or not I'm right, because there isn't enough time for plastic surgery before tonight." And I thought to myself, `good lord this man really does know me too well.' And I just responded, "No I don't need plastic surgery at all, a psychiatric evaluation maybe, but not surgery. Sam I don't know what to do now, I don't have the time to give you the whole story over the phone because he's going to be getting out of the shower in a few minutes, but I apparently have a new roommate." And Sam just very quietly sad, "Are you sure you want to do that? I mean really sure?" I paused for a minute and said, "Yes." And he said, "OK but I just want to warn you, if you are going to bring him tonight, it's going to be a pretty wild party, and might be a bit much for a `newbie' so keep that in mind when making your decision about that. Anyway a very Happy Birthday, and I'm picking you up at 7. And also remember, you know nothing about this party. Talk to you later and good luck." After hanging up with him, I realized that I had yet to shower and clean myself up. Without thinking I just ran into my bedroom leaving the door wide open as I always do stripped off and threw my clothes on the floor and walked into the bathroom. As I was in the shower all of these thoughts kept running through my head as, what to do about tonight, what to do in general. I mean I honestly did not know the person in the other room. I know he was my brother, I know what he's done to me, I now know why, but further than that, not a clue. But I guess it was time to figure it all out. I got out of the shower dried off and wrapped the towel around myself and walked out of my bedroom down the hall to get something from one of the outside closets, completely forgetting about the fact that I had Jeff in the apartment and ran straight into him. It was the strangest thing, because there we both stood wrapped in towels just staring at each other again. My mouth must have dropped to the floor and started drooling, because what I saw in front of me was one of the most beautiful body's I had ever seen in my life. Every single muscle was perfectly formed, not overly bulging. You could tell it was pure gym work with no help from any drugs or anything like that. He was just absolutely beautiful, and a perfect tan to match with his incredible eyes. I was hard in seconds, there was no way of that not happening, and I knew I had to run fast but yet I was frozen in place, couldn't move, couldn't speak. Until finally I heard him say, "Oh sorry, I was looking for an extra towel." I just nodded and opened the linen closet to get it for him, and as I turned to my side, I heard him gasp, as if someone had just punched the wind right out of him. As I turned back to face him, I saw tears running down his cheeks, and I quickly asked, "Jeff what's wrong? You OK?" He just looked at me and pointed at my left bicep, and I looked down and realized what he saw. It was one of the few scars that he left on me that night, one that never really healed correctly. I never put any sort of ice or heat or anything on it, just got up and left, and the imprint of his fist, still remained in the skin. I took his hand in my lower it and looked into his eyes and said, "It's OK Jeff, it's in the past now, it won't ever happen and I know it. So no more worries about it, so stop crying. It's done and that's it." He just grabbed me again into a tight hug and whispered into my ear, "I'm so sorry John, so sorry I did that, and everything else." I put my arms back around him and said back, "I know you are Jeff, and it's ok. I told you, I forgive you, I'm not mad at you, and I don't hate you -at all. I promise. Now here's the towel, go get dressed, we have a couple of things we need to talk about." He smiled and nodded back at me and turned and went back to his room, shutting the door behind him. I just stood there again staring at the closed door, trying to catch my breath, he was just breathtakingly beautiful, and I wanted him more than ever before. And I started to wonder, maybe Sam was right and this wasn't the greatest idea in the world after all. But regardless of all my fears and concerns about it, I knew that there was no way that I was letting him out of my sight or reach for that matter, ever again. After quickly getting dressed, I went into the kitchen to wait for him to come out of his room, I again had another flash back four years of waiting for my next encounter when I heard, "John, you OK?" I just looked up, and again was faced with one of if not, the most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was wearing a tightly form fitting light green button down shirt that accentuated every inch of his chest and arms and a pair of black jeans that were so tight you couldn't hide a damned thing even if you wanted to. And with what I could see, there would be absolutely nothing that you wanted to hide. And I realized that if bring him to the party tonight looking like this, every man and woman was going to be clinging to him like magnets – I don't know if he'd be able to handle that. Hell anywhere in this city he was going to be getting looks from any human that had taste. And I just looked up at him and said, "Yes fine, just fine." As I looked in his eyes, I could see a look of curiosity but he didn't say anything else to it, but what I decided was that I needed to bring this issue up now before we even walk outside, so I looked at him, into his eyes and said, "Sit down Jeff, look I don't really know how to say this other than to just put it right out on the table. I know how things were back at the house with mom and dad and how they felt about gay people. How they believed that we didn't exist or didn't deserve rights and a whole list of other things along that line. And quite frankly I was never sure how you felt about it, was actually scared to find out. However, you seem to be OK with it – at least in terms of me, which I am most thankful for. But I want to explain something else to you, and this is NOT me saying that you are stupid or blind and dumb or anything like that, it's me giving you a heads up as to what you are walking into outside the front door. Jeff, you are an incredibly beautiful, hot, gorgeous man more so than you could ever believe –which will work both good and possibly bad for you. Good, well just simply good, and the possible bad, because I don't know how well you will be able to handle the attention you are going to get. People are going to run at you like magnets mostly men, but also women – which I'm sure you already deal with. Secondly, there is tonight, where my friends are throwing me a party for my birthday – which I'm not really supposed to know about but regardless, I've been warned that it's going to be `wild', which can go a lot of different ways and honestly I have no idea which it will be. And I want to be sure that it's something that you think you can handle and won't be uncomfortable with. And before you even ask, there is only one person that knows the entire story about us, and he is my best friend Sam who you will be meeting one way or another in about an hour and a half when he comes to pick me up. So I'm giving you the option here as to what you want to do tonight you are more than welcome to come, or if you don't feel like you can handle it then you can stay home or do whatever you want." He looked at me with the softest face, and almost loving eyes and quietly asked, "John, do you want me at your birthday party?" It actually was not the response that I was expecting. Actually I don't know what I was expecting but it certainly wasn't that. I stared right back into his eyes into his eyes and said, "Of course I want you there. You're my brother, my friend, I want you to be a part of everything that you want to be a part of. And I want you to learn all about me, and I about you. And trust me, with the amount of alcohol that will be flowing tonight, I'm sure you'll probably want to find out even more than I want you or you want to know about." And we both actually laughed about that. It was amazing, again a first, we were laughing together, not at each other, but with each other, it was just an amazing feeling. And with that continued smile on his face he responded, "Then I will go with you to your party, I'm a big boy, I can handle myself in any situation." I just smiled, nodded my head, and without even thinking, I reached across the table took his hand in mine, and said, "Thank you." He smiled and nodded, and prayed that he was right, because as much as I knew that he could handle a lot, I knew just as well this was going to be quite an eye opener for him. We let go of each other's hands, and I got up and grabbed him one of the extra sets of keys and tossed them over to him and said, "There's your set, now it's 6:00, Sam is coming at 7, so if you want we can run we can run down to the corner and grab a really quick coffee before he gets here or just wait here." He looked at me for a minute and then said, "Why don't we just hang out here, I haven't seen you in four years, and before we go over to this party, I'd like a little more time to talk with you alone first." I was actually a little worried about where this conversation might go, we only had an hour at this point, and I didn't want to get into anything too deep that we wouldn't be able to finish, but of course as always, I could deny him nothing. So I agreed, and he went on, "John, I want you to understand something, I know this is going to sound crazy coming from me, but I want you to know that I really never wanted to hurt you and I never realized how hard I was actually hitting. And I really am eternally sorry for it and it's something that will stay with me until the day I die. And when I saw that scar earlier, I got so sick I didn't know what to do, but I want you to know, I will never ever hurt you again. And as your big brother, as sure as I'm sitting here, I'll make sure no one else ever has the chance of doing it either. Whether or not you believe me on this I do love you John." It was the most heartfelt statement that I had ever heard come out of his mouth. I didn't even believe he had that in him. I knew he was a good and loving person, but I didn't realize how much of it he really had in him. I just sat there with tears in my eyes not knowing what to say. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. And finally just as I was about to say something, the doorman was buzzing..