Date: Wed, 22 Dec 2010 10:41:55 -0500 From: Johnathan Johnson Subject: To love or not to love part 7 To love or not to love part 7 Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com I stopped staring and continued my way back to my bedroom, shut the door and just fell back onto the bed and cried my eyes out like I had never done before. Not in all the times that I was being hit, not any of the times after, I had never cried like this before, hell I didn't even know why I was really crying. I did in a sense regain some sort of `control' of the situation, I said my piece made my intentions known again, and hopefully slapped him with it again harder, that he would figure out that what he continues to do just isn't right anymore. And I'm no longer going to sit and take it, my only problem with that thought is, how long was I going to be able to stick to that? I know myself, I've never been able to say no to Jeff whether under duress or not, I've never been able to say no to him, I just loved him too much. All of this just made me cry harder, I wanted him so badly I wanted to be in his arms, for him to hold me like he did yesterday. Those few minutes of bliss were incredible I wanted them to last forever, but I guess it was not to be. I made my decision and I was going to do everything possible to stick to it, he could stay here as long as he wants, but further than that he's on his own, and actually if I were smart, once he got a job I should start charging him rent too, then again maybe that was a bit much. I finally got myself to stop crying but just lay there staring at the ceiling, I should go out and talk to him before he goes and does something stupid, but I also didn't want to face him right now, I had to make sure that I could contain myself, otherwise I'd probably end up crying all over again, and I didn't want him to see that. As I lay there in silence staring at the ceiling, I was also listening for any sort of movement outside, mind you I might have missed it while I was crying, he might have already gotten up and gone somewhere. Then again, I'm not sure where he'd be going, at least to my knowledge he did not know the city, so I don't think he'd leave the apartment, but who knows. I continued to listen, didn't hear the TV and didn't hear the chairs move just silence. And then all of a sudden I heard footsteps getting closer, well at least I now knew he was still in the apartment, as they got louder and closer, he was apparently walking back towards the bedrooms, until the stopped right outside my door. I was almost hoping that he would knock and ask to come in, but to no avail, he continued on walking until I heard his bedroom door open and then close. I got up out of bed, and decided that the first thing that I actually needed to do was call Sam and apologize for my actions, and at least get his side of the story, since it's clear now that he's much further involved that I had realized. So I picked up the phone, hoping that he would answer, luckily he did and said, "John, I didn't think that I'd be hearing from you so soon." I paused and then said, "I know but you know me, I cant really just leave anything on a whim, and you are my best friend, so if you're free lets meet for some coffee and we can talk about it." I could actually `hear' his smile through the phone and he responded, "Absolutely, see you at the Cheesery in 20 minutes." And he hung up. I contemplated whether or not to tell Jeff that I was going out, it would mean knocking on his door and asking for admittance, I almost decided not to, but then didn't want to take the chance of coming back and finding him gone. So I walked over to his room and gently knocked on his door. No response, knocked again, calling his name, again no response. So I decided to just open the door and go in, as I walked into the bedroom, I was faced with a man crawled up into a little ball on the bed, just like a baby would sleep in a crib. He was just so beautiful, every time I looked at him, I stared not being able to believe what I had in front of me, and what I wanted so much and so dearly, yet clearly couldn't have. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and have him wrap his strong arms around me, the thought of that just made me smile from ear to ear. Finally I just decided that I was going to leave him a note just saying I was going out for some air and would be back later. I left the note on the bed, and again, pulled the cover up over him kissed him on the head and said, "I love you Jeff, more and more every single day." And then walked out of the room closing the door behind me. As I walked down the street to meet Sam, I was trying to figure out what to say to him, what to ask, then again, he knows me well enough that he'll just spill out everything that I'm going to ask about anyway. As I walked up to him in front of the coffee shop, it was as if I was walking up to Jeff, it still shocked me as to how similar to each other they really looked – scary almost. When I finally reached him, he pulled me into a big hug and said, "Thanks for wanting to talk again, I can't even imagine what must be running through your head right now. But I'll try and clear it up from my end at least. I never actually connected Jeff as being your brother until he called me last week. The night we talked about everything, and what I said was nothing more than me seeing into you, and who you are – no more than that. When Jeff actually called me last week, it was only at that point that I realized that the Jeff you were talking about was the man that I was speaking to. I don't know whether or not I did the right thing by not telling you, but I knew and know how much you love him, and while knowing it could blow up in my face, I thought that it would be the best birthday present I could give you. I hope that I didn't make a mistake." I just stared at him, into his eyes, and said, "No, you didn't make a mistake, it was actually the best birthday present that I've ever received. I just need to figure out what to do with him, as you know we've never really interacted as friends, or even as a real family, it's so strange to me. And adding in the other fact about my love for him just complicates things even further. However, having you as a part of this is also a big help to me at least." He just looked at me strangely and said, "How so?" "Simple Sam, you know him better on the `friend' side of things than I do. I don't know how far I can push things with him without causing a major issue or ruining what we started. Sam every time I seem I want to jump into his arms and make mad passionate love to him. It takes every ounce of energy that I have to stop myself from doing that. And the way that the two of you looked at each other yesterday, was so deep and intense that it was almost scary. And I do need you to tell me one thing, and I won't hold anything against you either way, but I do need to know." He slowly nodded his head, and I asked, "Did you guys ever do anything together?" He just looked at me, at me, into me, not saying anything. There was no movement, his eyes were frozen, it was obviously a question that he didn't want to answer. And then he said, "No, we didn't, but I sure as hell wanted to. And I tried and tried, trust me but he turned me down. You know my philosophy on men- you are gay until proven straight. So I saw no reason not to try, but will I say to you, that he's proven himself straight? Actually no I won't say that, to my knowledge while out there, there were no girlfriends, and no boyfriends – again not to my knowledge doesn't mean that there weren't any." He actually had a small smile on his face, and I said to him, "You actually think there's actually a chance that he would want to do something with me?" He again just looked at me and said, "Think about what has happened in the past 24 hours, think about what happened over the past 24 years, the past 15 years. He's here, isn't he..." He smiled at me, reached his hand across the table and took mine in his and said, "Go home John, go and be with who you've been waiting for all your life, everything will fall into place the way that it's supposed to, just be patient." He gave my had a squeeze, winked at me and then got up and left me sitting there, in a total daze. What did he really just say to me? That my brother is gay? That he was in love me? That he wanted me just as much? My head was spinning, I felt dizzy, but he was right, I did have to go home..