Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2011 15:09:10 -0500 From: Johnathan Johnson Subject: To love or not to love part 9 To love or not to love – Part 9 Comments welcome at jjjohnson8221@gmail.com But on that same token, as much as I wanted it, as badly as I wanted it, I was too afraid to make a push for it. Aside from that I had everything that I wanted, clichι as it may be things were just perfect – I've never had that in my life before, where EVERYTHING was perfect. Work was going great, couldn't complain about my life style, AND I had my brother in my life the way that I had always wanted him to be. Why on earth would I be foolish enough to want more? Greed was bad, all it has ever done in the world was fuck things up, I was going to just keep things the way they were. Haha-yeah right. When Jeff finally emerged from his bedroom, I started to laugh. He looked at me and said, "What the fuck are you laughing about?" Finally recomposing myself I said, "Just noting a coincidence, that is exactly what you were wearing when you had gotten ready for my birthday party the year that you showed up. That exact shirt, same jeans, and in looking down same exact boots too. It's just a very funny coincidence. I guess that's your `party dress'". However, while I found it funny, I realized that he wasn't laughing, actually had a very strange, no serious look on his face. And seeing that, I immediately composed myself, just in time to hear him say, "Well excuse me, I didn't know that I had to be approved by the fashion queen before I stepped outside out the house. Shall I go change? Or will you let me be seen by the outside world like this?" I wasn't really sure how to take that, as a joke or a serious statement, at times it was very difficult to tell with him. But I quickly shot back, "I was just kidding Jeff, you look incredible, just like you always do. You could put on anything and carry it like a model. Like I told you from the beginning you have people drooling over you regardless, whether you are truly oblivious to it or choose to ignore it altogether, but when you walk down the street, heads turn to follow you on both sexes. You are a beautiful man by every standard and circumstance." I know that it was laying it on a bit thick, but I was hoping that was enough to smooth things out that we wouldn't have any sort of problems tonight. That was the LAST thing I needed right now. He just gave me one of those smiles and said back "I know, just checking, wanted to make sure I'd have my pick for tonight." Fuck, he knew about the party! I just started laughing, "I guess that means you know about the party huh, who told you? Because I know it wasn't Sam, because he doesn't even know." "Simple I tried to get reservations at the restaurant for 9pm and was told that the place was rented out for a party, and magically the only girl available tonight was Jennifer. Hmm, I wonder why. But I promise, I don't know a thing, and thanks for it ahead of time. OK I'm headed out, see you around 9." Winked at me and headed out. He was an amazing person, and I should have known that he'd figure it out, but whatever, it will actually make things a lot easier now. But, the one thing I was sure that he didn't know about was his birthday present from me. In thinking about it, it really was extravagant – but something he had always wanted, pointed out so many times as we were walking down the street – and I knew it wasn't him `hinting' but I got the best 25th present I could ever ask for, so he was going to get this. In any event I smiled, and then got up and went to get dressed myself had plenty to do before the party and needed to get a move on. So I ran got dressed, and figured what the fuck, I'll `out do' him. He was going to have is picking tonight, why not me too? After finally picking out the best I could find, I headed out to go and pick up Sam and then head over to restaurant. As Sam got into the car he looked at me and said, "I thought we were going out tonight? Why on earth are you driving, unless you plan on leaving the car there?" I hadn't actually thought about that but then figured, I wasn't going to drink that much tonight anyway, if there was going to be someone sober at this part it should be me. And I said, "We are going out, but I don't think I'm going to drink that much tonight, my stomach is a little on the soft side tonight, so figured I'd do it on the low side tonight." He just looked at me very strangely and said, "OK if you say so. By the way where's Jeff?" I just laughed, "Where on earth do you think he is? Out on a date for his birthday, I'm sure he's got them all lined up to get his presents from each of them, I asked if I should have a turnstile put in, in front of his bedroom door. But it's all good, we spent the day together, it's his time now." Sam just smiled and nodded his head. As I drove over to the restaurant Sam was babbling away about something that I wasn't even paying attention to, I was just too focused on trying to figure out how to work things with this party. Granted Jeff knew that there was a party and all, but the magnitude of it I don't know, I actually hope not, I wanted there to be some element of surprise to it. As we drove up to the door and the parking attendant took the car Sam suddenly said to me, "How come here? Don't you think that Jeff would be here tonight? You're not spying on him are you?" At that point I decided to finally tell him, since for one I was getting annoyed with him already and two, he just wouldn't shut up. "OK time to let you in on the secret – and don't be mad at me for this, but I decided to throw him a surprise 30th birthday party, and didn't tell you about it – for 2 reasons. One, I wanted to do it all on my own with no other help, and 2 I wanted to make sure there was absolutely NO way he would find out about it." He just gave me a really dirty look, and then said, "OK, OK fine I have a big mouth I know, but I can keep some things quiet." "True enough, alright come on I have a few things that I need to do before he gets here." As I walked in, I had the two bouncers at the door as a joke – both guys from his gym looked fantastic, and the rest of the place was great all of the people were there. Couldn't wait for him to get there. Even Sam was a bit surprised and said to me, "Jeeze, I know you like to throw party's but this is a bit much don't you think?" I looked around the room, at the tables and the people there, and then back at Sam and said, "Nope not at all, he deserves the best in every single way." Sam just continued staring at me and then pulled me over to the side of the room and very quietly said to me, "John, tell me something, what's all of this really about? I don't even want to think of what you got him as a present, I'm sure that its even worse than this, but what are you trying to do here? You can't buy what you want, it doesn't work that way." I knew what he was referring to, but that had actually never crossed my mind once, "I'm not trying to buy anything, I did what I thought was right, and what I wanted to do. The fact that you even think that I would stoop that low actually makes me sick. How fucking long do you know me? Do you REALLY believe that I would do something like this just to get him to be in love with me? Knowing that there was no way possible for it to happen anyway? He straight, has never had any sexual attraction to me – and also the first day I saw him 2 years ago I told him that I was in love with him." At that point I was so angry at the fact that he even thought I would do that, I wanted to punch him in the face, it was taking every ounce of energy that I had not to do it. The look on his face quickly changed and he responded, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to anger you, I just don't want to see you hurt if you didn't get what you were looking for. And given that you've made clear that wasn't your intention, then it's fine and it will turn out to be a fantastic event." And then he walked away. I stood there now wondering whether or not he was right. Was I subconsciously trying to buy Jeff's love? I didn't believe so, everyone knows me, when I throw party's they are always big and over done – done to the best that I can possibly do them. This was no different, it was for Jeff and I wanted to give him the best party I possibly could and that's exactly what I did. That decided, I walked back into the masses of the party greeted everyone made sure everything was in place, and finally got word that Jeff was walking up to the door and as the hush fell over the room, and as the door opened, "SURPRISE!!" As I watched the look on Jeff's face, perfect act. The look of shock and surprise on his face was priceless. How much he had practiced, who knows but it was perfect, had one of his big smiles on and his emerald eyes sparkled as he walked into the spotlight that had been aimed at him. From the back of the room I could see his eyes darting back and forth across the crowd evidently looking for someone. As I continued to watch, just as I had predicted, the women were clinging to him and all of the boys eyes were watching every piece of his body move. As I have been saying all along, he is a beautiful man in every shape and form, and I wanted him so fucking badly. I wanted to be one of the girls hanging on his arms or his legs, the one breathing and licking on his ears as he walked into the room. As I was sitting there in my own little world I suddenly heard over a microphone Jeff saying, "So where is the host of the party?" And just as I heard that, I felt a very strong ray of light being shined in my face. "John, come over here now!" The tone of his voice sent shivers down my spine, I had not heard him speak like that in over 6 years. It was the tone that he used on that last night in our bedroom right before he threw that final punch into my arm, the voice that said, "What the fuck? You give up pussy boy?" In the seconds that were passing by as I was walking across the room to get to him, the vision of that night kept running through my head over and over again. And as I finally came face to face with him tonight and looked into his eyes, I again saw that look of fire in his eyes, just as I had that night. I was actually shaking, scared shitless as to what was going to happen next. He then put his arms around my shoulder and spoke into the microphone, "So as we all know in front of us stands the man that put this all together for me, and for us. The one that goes all out in everything he does, and I'm sure that we have all experienced it in one way or another. But, what I want you all to know is this. 15 years ago –" And before he even continued that sentence 15 years ago, he was 15 I was 13, we were right in the middle of his assaults on me, god only knows what he's going to say, I didn't know what to think, but he looked directly into my eyes and continued, "15 years ago, the man standing here in front of us, was laying down on his bed looking up at me just like we are now waiting for me to throw one of my birthday punches as they were called. It was usually supposed to be the other way around-that the birthday boy was to receive the punches. But I wanted it the other way around, and as a result being who he was then, he lay there and let me have what I wanted. Because he would do anything for me, and that hasn't changed to this day, and John I am forever grateful and indebted to I could not ask for a better brother or best friend, and I wanted to take this time and opportunity to thank you for everything you've ever done, I love ya, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart." I just stood there in tears not knowing what to say or do, I knew that it was true, and he was right in every aspect, I would and have and still will do anything for him, but not because I'm scared of what might happen if I don't, but because I love him and want to. And I continued to just look at him and into him and just wrapped my arms as far around him as I could, held him as tightly as I could, then let go, recomposed myself took the mic from his hand and simply said, "Your welcome, and Happy Birthday Jeff. Now enough of the mushy stuff, Enjoy the party everyone!" I pulled Jeff into a corner just to talk to him quickly and said, "Thank you so much for saying that meant so much to me, but you didn't have to do that." He just took my hand in his and said, "Yes actually I did, it was very important that I did for me. I have never known anyone to have more of a heart than you do. Never known anyone that cares as much as you do, because there is no one else like you. And trust me, I know and keep it in my mind every minute of the day, because I could not have survived without you. Thank you." Leaned over, kissed me on the top of the head and got up to walk away but at the last second turned to me and said, "By the way, I'm not as heavy a sleeper as you think." Smiled, winked at me and then walked away. I sat there watching him walking away, completely dumbfounded. Did he just tell me that he knew, and knows my nightly ritual with him? And I realized, here we go again, Just when I thought that I was in control again, I felt as if the rug was being pulled right out from under my feet again.