Date: Wed, 25 Feb 2009 09:34:32 -0500 From: Blonde Blue eyes Subject: true love 18 First there was a feeling of pain, since from a man who visibly really had no muscle definition left still packs a rather powerful punch, then there was a feeling of pure hope that the possibility of his full recovery was in fact there and that he could do this, and I'd be damned if I wasn't going to help him in any way that I could just as I had promised. And I just looked back at him and said `watch it old man, I may have pity on you now, but I won't be so nice later on, since if you haven't forgotten I'm taller and stronger than you are.' He smiled at me and responded `Taller yes, and stronger, only for now.' His quip was good, attitude was positive, he really was going to pull through this. As I stood there and watched him begin his journey down rehabilitation lane, I realized once again how much I loved the man, and how much I wanted to be with him. Be there to comfort him each night, to hold and be held, be the last thing that he lays eyes on, him to be the last thing I see before I close my eyes each night. And as much as I try to tell myself that all those wants and desires are fruitless they only get stronger each and every time. As the days started to go by and he fought and struggled each one of them to make his legs start work on their own, and his ability to start standing straight up, how hard he had to fight, I felt so helpless and so bad, I wished I could take every ounce of pain and struggle away from him. His frustration and stubbornness was no help to things either as every time he came to a point that he couldn't do it anymore or couldn't do something to begin with his frustration turned to anger, anger at himself that he couldn't do it. And every time I was over there to comfort and encourage him to keep doing it, I too started to get the wrath of it, `Just leave me alone' or `get the fuck away'. I hated it so much, and I was the one that sat in the corner and cried about it. I didn't hate that he was mean to me, I hated the fact that he had to go through it and get to that point. And all at the same time the physical therapists all kept saying the same thing, just keep at it, and that statement above all pissed him off more than anything. The days started to turn into weeks as his progress was slow but at the same time improving, and whether or not he wanted to believe it, day by day he was getting better and able to do each thing a little easier than the day before. He wouldn't admit it, but he really was doing extremely well, much better than anyone had ever predicted. His spirit was there, his drive was definitely there, and his attitude well that had been there from the beginning and it certainly showed up more often than not. It was an amazing revelation to me but the sight of actually getting out of this dump was there. And that was the one thing I kept telling him, even with every miss there were 2 hits, and we were going to get out of here, and just as we had promised on his own two feet and legs, not by a wheel chair and not by a walker but on his own. As his improvement progressed further and more steadily, and he was able to start doing things on his own without the assistance of the walker and soon even without the cane, I was asked over and over again, by him as well as most of the other staff, why don't I just go home already? And as it had been from the beginning, I wasn't leaving without him next to me, I made that promise and I was going to keep it no matter what happened. Although that question kept my own dilemma prevalent, what do I do once I do get him out of here? Stay there and just deal with everything as I had, move out, or go and do what I said I wasn't going to do -- make that last ditch effort and protest my love and desire for him and be shot down once again. ::Sigh:: what to do, what to do. Thursday, October 19, 1989, this is a day that for a very many month's I never thought that I was going to see. After almost a year he was going to be released today and sent home to go on living his life the way it should be, as a self sufficient perfectly working man with a healthy revamped body. And I was finally going to get to sleep in a real bed again (selfish as hell I know but hey I deserve it). And actually above all that I think the hospital staff was probably more than happy to see us get the hell out of there than anyone else. In any event me the emotional nut, walked out of the building next to him in tears and he had the biggest smile on his face, a smile that said `fuck you all, I told you I could do it.' As we walked across the street over to the parking lot I went to hold his hand but in a way he pulled it away and said `Mike I'm fine you don't need to hold on.' That one hurt, it hurt a lot. I guess he just didn't realize it what my real reasoning for doing that was. But I said OK and left it at that. We both got into the car and for a minute just sat there in silence. I don't think either of us actually thought we would see this day the day that life was to a point going to return to normalcy. Finally I started the car and began the twenty minute drive back to the house still sitting there in complete and utter silence. I wanted so much to say something anything but I knew that the minute I opened my mouth I would just start babbling something that would make no sense or just push him away so I chose not to and just kept my eyes on the road and drove on. As I turned the corner on to the street that the house was on my hands started to visibly shake to the point that I almost couldn't hold on to the steering wheel, from what I don't know my own insanity about things I suppose. After what seemed like hours but was no more than a minute and a half I turned into the drive way and shut the car off and just sat there. He on the other hand, mumbled something that I couldn't hear and got out of the car and started to slowly walk towards the front door. After a few seconds he turned back to the car and called to me to as if I was going to let him into the house or not. I had forgotten that he didn't have any keys at that point, so I jumped out of the car and unlocked the door and we both walked into the house. He once again as if nothing had happened walked right up the stairs and into the kitchen to sit down in his usual chair. I on the other hand just stood there in the foyer and just watched him and actually having to pinch myself to make sure that this was real and not me daydreaming. But no, it was real very real he was back in the house sitting in the kitchen looking almost as he had before any of this happened. I myself finally walked up the steps and into the kitchen unsure whether or not I should sit at the table across from him where I always sat, and without any further thought I just went and sat down right in front of him and looked right into his eyes and said `Welcome home dad.' He looked back at me and smiled nodded his head and responded `It's good to be back here, and I owe it all to you every bit of it. I could not have done it without your support and belief in me, and I am grateful to you -- eternally grateful.' I just started to laugh, I'm not really sure why, but I started laughing, and he just looked at me with a weird face on and asked me what was so funny. I just told him "dad shut up, it's done. We made it through this, you are back home we can go on living again just like we said we would, living life to the fullest, discovering new things returning to normal -- whatever that is for us." He smiled at me again and put an open hand across the table, and with a lot of trepidation I put my own into his and griped it and nodded his head agreeing and then just said "I love you Mikey, very much." We just sat there hand in hand staring into each other's eyes, I was looking into him or trying to at least, what he was doing I don't know, looking at me or in me. If he was looking into me he would see how much I still wanted him if he was looking at me he would see my smile but that was probably it. To my disappointment he let go of my hand and went on to a completely different subject and asked `Do we have anything to eat?' I chuckled a bit and said `Nope, remember I've been with you I threw everything out a long time ago, I regret to inform you that the cabinets and refrigerator are bare. I'll have to go food shopping tomorrow.' He looked at me once again and laughed and said `Yes I suppose that's true, so what are we going to do about food I'm hungry for real food.' And before I even had the chance to respond and he jumped again and said `Pizza!' And now it was my turn to look at him as if he was insane, the man had a heart blockage and now he wants pizza?? And as if he knew what I was thinking he reminded me that it was 9 months since that had happened and he could have a slice of pizza if he wanted it. And I suppose he was right so I went and ordered a pie, and as I was on the phone I just looked back at him and once again saw the most beautiful creature sitting in front of me, one that I loved and would do anything for in anytime anywhere, and it made me realize that I was the luckiest man on the earth -- he may not be my lover but I still have him. After I hung up the phone, I walked back over to him wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed him on the top of his head and said to him "I love you dad and I'm so happy that I have you back." He looked up at me and again said "I love you too Mike." I finally let go of him and started to walk out of the kitchen to go and sit in the living room for a while until the pizza guy got there and he called back to me in what sounded like a pleading voice, "Where are you going?" I looked back and just said "downstairs to sit on the couch, why?" I desperately wanted him to say `stay up here' or `I'll come with you' but all I got was "OK, I'll let you know when the delivery guy gets here." And I just looked back at him and responded "Is everything ok? Do you want me to stay up here?" And all he said was "Whatever you want Mikey, as long as you're happy."