Date: Tue, 30 Dec 2008 12:41:00 -0500 From: Blonde Blue eyes Subject: True Love 6 We just stood in the doorway looking at each other, frozen in place almost, I was actually at a point where I had absolutely no idea what to say, I had so many thoughts of what to say and how to say it or even should I say it. But I did make that decision before I left to go back that my going back to the house was for nothing more than to just be there for support. My bringing up anything else at this point was completely out of the question, and that's the way it was going to be. I was going to help him and be there for him in anyway needed. And when I finally came back to my senses and was looking into his eyes, I looked for the soul that I always saw, and fell in love with so long ago, and there it was, almost staring back at me. Finally after what seemed like an eternity we walked into the house and up the stairs into the living room, sat down on the couch in complete silence, just staring at each other, I kept on trying to read him see what I could pick up, a feeling, a sense, a thought, anything, but I could find none, I could see the soul yes..but I could not read it. And then I wondered, maybe he was hiding something himself, I was going to drive myself insane, finally I decided it was time to talk. "Dad, talk to me, what's really wrong with you? What really happened with her?" I saw no movement, not even a flinch or blink of an eye. I went to touch his hand, it was ice cold, as if no blood was flowing to it at all. Now I knew something was not right, I was unsure of what, but things were now not adding up. There was too much silence from him, his hands were cold, finally I decided to try something else. And with one swift move I took my right hand and slapped his face -- that brought him back, and he looked at me shocked, and I said again, "Now fucking tell me what the hell is going on here, you totally bull shitted me this afternoon, I realize that now you came out with it too easily, what happened..for real?" And then the real story came out of him "Michael, you know for one thing I gave you the ability to read me too well, and for as long as I can remember you are the only person that can do that. And as much as I am happy that I allowed it, it drives me nuts sometimes that you can," and he continued on, "You really want to know what really happened here, she had nothing to do with it, actually she loved me very much made me as happy as possible, did everything she could, and I pushed it away. I needed to change. I needed a change, this place was just too much, all of the feelings, and the memories in it were overwhelming. Your bitch mother and all the trouble she caused, I'm actually glad you never got to know her, it wasn't worth it the only good thing that came from her was you. God only knows what's happened to your brothers, they were good kids, but I don't think they ever felt that they needed anyone else other than themselves, and as soon as they had the opportunity, as we both saw, they were gone." At this point I was truly shocked at what I was hearing come out of my father's mouth, maybe I really don't know him as well as I thought I did, actually I'm sure of it now, and quite honestly I had absolutely no idea where he was going with this, but he continued on. "This house, I don't know Mike, there was-is just empty -- I thought maybe if I started, changing things, and redesigning everything changing colors, everything about it, that I could make it new again, and maybe start over in it. But as I did it, for one, I did a terrible job as you can see. Two, the place just, I don't know, just isn't right anymore. And then something else hit me, I lost sight of you. I realized that you were gone, it had been over 4 months, and I hadn't heard a word from you, not only had your brothers disappeared but you had too. And why? Because you wanted to give me ability to live again. But, one thing I don't understand about it was the fact that as soon as you left, that's when the house started feeling empty." Now I was lost, what did the man want, is he telling me to come back home? Is he telling me that he loves me the way I want him to? Or not, and at that point, again I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to know the answer to it. Because again it really was a double edged sword, I wanted to be here on any circumstances, but on just a father-son basis was going to be difficult -- extremely so, because as he was talking I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. Of course in the midst of that thought he said something that snapped me out of it. "Michael, I miss you. I don't expect you to come home, or stop your life for me, I know that you have grown up, as much as I hate to admit it you have grown up. Look I just want you to know that you are always welcome with me, wherever I am, or whomever I'm with I don't want you to leave just on accord of the fact that you think that I want you to or you think it would better." At this point I had enough, it was obvious he was dancing around the point. And I just said, "Dad, shut up, just tell me what is it that you want me to do? Do you want me to move back in with you? If you do I will, if you don't that's fine. I miss you too. The last 4 months won't happen again. I'm not going to lose touch with you. You will always know where I am, always have a way to contact me, at anytime anywhere. And like I said I'm going to Europe and.my itinerary is to take the 3 weeks of my winter break, and travel through Europe, fly into London, then down to Paris and then into Rome and come back."(mind you I still had not mentioned that I took the following semester off. As I had thought earlier to just tell him that he was coming with me and that's it, decided at the last minute to swing it another way, "I have an extra ticket, if you'd like to come with me.." That was the shocker right there. The ball was now in his court, and I did it this way because I saw that he was not as `out of sorts' as I thought initially. And he then continued on, "Mike, I think you are going to have a fantastic time, and I'm so happy that you are going to do it, but out of curiosity why did you have two tickets to begin with?" I paused for a minute and then embellished a little and instead of telling him I bought it 2 hours ago I went down another route, "well, given that we haven't talked in a while, I had been dating a guy for a while, and we thought that it would be a good way to really get to know each other better, but he bailed on me, so now I have the extra ticket that I can take someone with me or go alone, choice is yours." I was so praying that he'd say yes, I wanted it so badly, but again I wasn't going to force it. "Naah, like I said, I think that it will be a great time for you to explore and discover more about you and life, you don't need me tagging along, as long as we both know that we'll keep in contact, you go and have a fantastic time, I'll even drive you to the airport on Monday." (which I guess he had forgotten that he agreed to that already) My heart sank, I really thought things were changing, that maybe I would get that chance to at least bond with him again, but it was apparent that really wasn't going to happen. I did feel a little bit better knowing that he wasn't as distraught as I initially thought, but I was so sad. I thought about asking again, in somewhat of a pleading voice, but went with my initial promise to myself that I was going to let him make the decisions, there wasn't going to be any pushing at all. But what was worse about the whole thing, was that now, we were both going to be alone on our birthday's which in 18 years has never happened, we always spent it together, actually celebrated it for three days in a row, me being the 26th and he being the 28th, it was a 3 day celebration. But nope, that wasn't happening this year. And with that realization, I leaned over to hug him, and I held him tight for a long time, and as I pulled away he said very softly "Mikey, I love you and I always will no matter what." And I pulled back more to be able to look into his eyes and I responded back, "I love you too Daddy, and I always will, now and forever." I hugged him again, started to tear a bit, but I didn't want him to see that so quickly wiped my eye, and quickly sat back, and said, "Well, I tell you what, I'm hungry, lets order food, I'll stay over tonight and then run back to the dorm in the morning, grab my clothes, pack them up and come back here and you can drive me to the airport on Monday. And with that, I jumped off the couch, went to grab the phone to call for pizza, but as I was going for the phone, I turned back and looked at him on the couch, he looked as beautiful to me as ever, and it only made me want him more, but it was not to happen. As much as I wanted it, it was not to be. The pizza showed up, and we sat in the kitchen with the TV on but not talking and just ate and ate, I had forgotten how much pizza I could eat, since I never ate it in the dorms. But we just sat there eating and watching TV, it was odd actually. We used to do this all the time, and always talked during dinner, usually ignoring the TV, but tonight that was the only place that noise was coming from. After polishing off 5 slices of pizza, I had enough, and I was tired, and just wanted to go to bed, and again like I did earlier as I got up from the table I turned and looked at him sitting at the table, I smiled, and then went upstairs quickly showered, and crossed the hallway into my room, and I didn't hear anything in the kitchen anymore so I figured he had gone to bed too, and the door to his room was closed, I considered knocking on it, just to go in and say good night, and then decided against it, and went into my room, which interestingly enough, unlike the rest of the house had not been touched. Every single thing was left exactly as it was the day I walked out of the house. I shut the door, stripped off the towel, shut the light and crawled into bed, and lay there contemplating the entire night, and really found myself to be so confused and unsure of what the hell was going on with him..and with me. I could tell I wasn't getting any sleep tonight, because every time I closed my eyes all I saw was him. I really just didn't know what to do anymore, I tried everything that I could think of already, I guess my ultimate dream was just a dream and would remain that way. But at least I can say that I did have my father back again. But at the same time I also had a feeling of fear. I was not sure of what, but something, and that feeling unsettled me more than anything else. My gut was telling me something was very wrong, very very wrong, And without thinking I jumped out of bed, stark naked, and went and knocked on my father's bedroom door, there was no answer, and I just said fuck it, I opened the door, and what I saw, sent shivers up my spine. Authors note: Thank you to all who have responded, and just to state again, every word of this is true, and from my heart. A very Happy and healthy New Year to everyone. Questions and Comments welcome. Blondeblueeyes@gmail.com