Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2023 16:13:05 -0500 From: Always Ready Subject: What's Love got to do with it? (Gay/incest) What's Love got to do with it? Please consider donating to the nifty organization. That's a very interesting and at the same time a very simple question. Because the answer to it is simple. Everything. Love seems to find its way into everything. It's a wonderful feeling, it can also be a very painful one as well. I have spent many years trying to understand it, fight it, give up on it, live it and ultimately throw my hands up in the air about it, because no matter what I did, I never seemed to win with it. When I was growing up it seemed like a relatively normal household. But I was one of the few of my classmates that happened to be an only child. Most of the other kids in my class had at least one sibling either a sister or brother. But I loved that fact. It meant that I got all the attention from my parents, most importantly my dad. He seemed to spend more time with me than he did with mom. I had to push him away at times to let me just do my homework! But at the same time, I loved it. I wanted nothing more than to be near him and have my hand in his when he had time or get to snuggle up to him on the couch when he was reading something. And he always welcomed me. I don't think there was ever one time where he pushed me away. And there was never a night that he did not come into my room to say the exact same phrase every time "Good night and I love you kiddo!" To give a little context about my so -called family; My father was a very successful attorney who had his own firm and worked countless hours whether in the office or at home. I don't think I ever saw him at a point of relaxation. My mother on the other hand, wasn't what you would call the perfect housewife. It was true she did not have to work since my dad made enough money for us to live very comfortably. However, all I ever saw her doing was talking on the phone to her friends or going shopping. If I wanted dinner before my father got home from work, it was going to be take-out because she couldn't or didn't want to cook. (I was never sure which it was, but my guess would be the latter of the two.) Another common occurrence in our house was arguments between my mother and father about one thing or another. So, it was not exactly the most pleasant place to be most of the time. In terms of me – I grew up listening to all of this and thought it was just the way things were supposed to be. I was not exactly the most typical kid either. By the time I was 12, I had pretty much figured out that I was gay. Girls did not interest me in the least. I had considered telling my father at that point, but I wasn't sure how he'd take it. Even at 12 years old I could tell the stress he was holding so I didn't want to add anymore, and I wasn't sure what this would do to him. If he'd accept me for what I was, get even more angry or stressed or whatever-I loved him too much to do that to him. So, I decided against it. Instead, I decided that I was just going to lay low and stay off everyone's radar as much as possible. And that plan worked for a while until high school where I had not intended on joining any sports I just wanted to go to school then to the library and then eventually home where hopefully the arguing was done for the evening, and I wouldn't have to hear it. But of course, life is never that easy. When you're 6'4" and a solid 210 pounds of muscle (OK so I liked to work out too – it was a good stress reliever in my eyes!) and are good at something you get noticed. During gym class it was discovered that I was good at football. And during my sophomore year my P.E. teacher came up to me and said, "You David are going to join the school football team. We need someone with your ability to run and block. You would be the perfect running back. So, I'll see you at practice next week." I protested as many ways as I could, but he wouldn't hear of it. Well, there goes my plan for staying under the radar! It was also a double-edged Sword. Because it would keep me out of the house and out of the firing line of my parents' arguments, but I would also have to tell them, which would cause even more issues for them and me. See, there was another thing that had happened to me and why I wanted stay out of the house as much as possible and off the radar. One, I wasn't around so no one (well just my dad-I don't think my mom would notice or care) would notice or ask why I wasn't dating any girls or anyone for that matter. And secondly, and the much more dangerous one was that by the time I was 14 I had come to realize the reason that the reason I wasn't dating anyone or even tried to, was because, without my even realizing it with all the pride, admiration and care for my father, I had fallen in love with him. It finally all made sense. I was gay, didn't date anyone boy or girl, because subconsciously-well now consciously I wanted my father. And now, I had to go and tell them that I was going to join the football team. Fantastic, now I was going to be on his radar, and the school radar. Just fucking shoot, me! So that afternoon I sat in the library after school trying to figure out how I was going to break this news to them, and then I realized that this was the perfect time to also tell him that I'm gay too! Maybe it would work. But instinct has always told me, things are never that simple. So that night I walked home preparing myself to tell them at the dinner table, I was about to go in the back door through the kitchen I heard- "Listen you ungrateful woman, we're living here together now for 15 years because of who? YOU! NOT ME! You lied about taking the pill just so that you could get pregnant and force me to marry you and figure I'd take care of you from there out. And then as if that wasn't bad enough, you don't even act like a parent do you even care about him at all?? You barely spend any time with him at all! It's always me and has been from day one! You find one excuse after another not to take care of or spend time with him and it's been like that since day one! I have worked my ass off to provide for this family, and make sure that boy has a proper upbringing and at least one parent!" And then my dad continued, "Well, I've had enough! You will either pull your shit together or we're done! And let me be very clear about something. I know the way divorce law works VERY well. If it went that way don't even DARE, try pulling a custody battle or seek alimony. Because let me tell you, I have a receipt for EVERY ONE of your trips to the salon, restaurant, or bar you have been to for the past 15 years. So, all you would face in court is true embarrassment. Tell me Shelly, do you even remember what David's middle name is?" And there was just silence, "That's what I thought! Well for your information it's Michael. I'm so tired of you just playing princess while I work my ass off. So, I will say this one last time. You either pull your shit together, become a part of this family or we're done!" And then he stormed out of the kitchen and walked into some room and slammed the door shut. Well, that was something I wasn't expecting to hear. I don't think I had ever heard my father speak like that. Actually, I know I have never heard him speak like that. I was truly shocked. I didn't know he had that in him. To me he had always been kind and loving and soft spoken with me. And even in their usual arguments, he never screamed like he just did it, was just a normal monotone voice of indifference. I'd never heard anger like that. So, after all that, I waited outside for about 10 minutes and then finally walked into the house and kitchen and just saw my mom sitting at the kitchen table in what looked like a frozen state of being. I finally just said, "Mom? You, OK?" She just nodded her head yes and then got up and walked over to me with tears in her eyes and hugged me. "I'm so sorry David, just know that I do love you. You are my one and only child and I love you now and forever." Then let go and walked out of the kitchen. That too had never happened before. At least not as far as I can remember. I heard her walking down the hallway and knocking on a door and then opening and closing it. It wasn't until that point that I realized that I had not been a wanted child – at least by my father, maybe not even by my mother. It was such an odd feeling to know that you were used almost as a pawn for someone to get what they want But I think it was clear that they were going to get a divorce. Also, clear if that happened that I would end up with my dad. So really things wouldn't change much, except for, the arguing would stop which wouldn't be a bad thing either. But at the same time, it left me with an even bigger problem. His full attention would now be on me, and work and I was now going to be living solo with a man who I was hopelessly in love with, who didn't even want me to begin with. Talk about having a fucked up life! I again heard a door open and close and peeked outside to see my mother walking down to their bedroom. So, I decided fuck it, I was going to go and talk to my dad-he was always straight with me and just ask about what was going on and at the same time tell him everything. I walked down the hallway and knocked on my dad's office door, asking for entry, "Dad?" "Come in David" And as usual any time he ever engaged with me he just looked at me with the most beautiful eyes and smile, of which I got lost in every single time I looked at him and just solidified even more how much in love with him I was and how it was never going to be returned. I was finally shaken from my fantasy by my dad saying. "Earth to David! What's up?" "Well, a couple of things. First, I made the high school football team – and no I hadn't gone for try outs my P.E. teacher is also the coach picked me and told me that I'd be the perfect running back. So, I'm stuck." "That's fantastic David! I'm so proud of you! Made the team without even trying out! Now that's my son! What else?" "Thanks for the compliment, but the rest is a little more complicated. Dad, I'm so proud to be your son, and I could not ask for a better father. But I also know that you didn't want me to begin with, so I appreciate all the care you have taken of me even though you didn't really want me." "DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT. OF COURSE, I WANTED YOU!" "Dad come on you said no lies between us, I heard you and mom in the kitchen earlier tonight I was outside." He just slumped in his chair and had tears in his eyes. "OH, David I'm so sorry you had to hear that. Well, I guess I don't really have to explain much, if you heard the whole thing. However, I do want you to know one thing. The minute that you were born and placed in my arms in the delivery room I fell in love with you. You were the most beautiful little boy and from that day forward I have only loved you more and more. I have been able to confide in you in ways that I couldn't with anyone else. So, while I wasn't planning on it – I still no matter what love you more than anything in the world. I don't want you to ever forget that." Now I was in tears. It was one of the most heart-felt things he had ever said to me. "Dad, I love you so much – which makes what else I have to say somewhat easier. I'm sure you have probably noticed that I haven't dated much or at all really. (and he just nodded) And the reason for that is because I'm gay." There wasn't even really a break in time before he just responded, "Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out. I've known for a while and was just waiting for you to finally come to terms with it. I just wish you would have come to me sooner, and I'd have been able to help you in any way you wanted me to. But as usual you're stubborn and brilliant at the same time. So, you seem to be OK and I'm glad you go it out." God damnit!! I hated how well this man knew me! And just by that it made me even more in love with him. THAT was something I was not ready to come out to him with. Whether he knew it or not. So, after a brief silence I finally just said, "I wish could have too, but I just couldn't do it. Anyway, so when you divorce mom, and don't be stupid just do it already. Don't even give her anymore speeches, just do it and get it over with so it really can just be you and me." He just laughed and said, "Don't be such a smart ass! But you are correct in the fact that there is no sense going through this all over again – so we just discussed the same thing. Your mother will be leaving in the next few days. But David I am sorry that you never got the mother that you deserved." "Meh I don't care like you said for the past 15 years it's really just been you and me anyway so won't make much of a difference. I'll try and learn how to cook, but with football now. I don't know if there will be time. Maybe just protein shakes for both of us." And we just laughed at that. But it did cause a problem – I was now even more in love with this man than I had been before. Comments welcome at Alwaysready123@gmail.com