Date: Wed, 1 Nov 2023 18:17:47 -0500 From: Always Ready Subject: What's Love got to do with it Part 4 What's Love got to do with it? – Part 4 Please consider donating to the nifty organization. I was speechless, I truly did not know what to say. Not only was the heartthrob of the senior class gay, but he was also attracted to me! Hell, he just kissed me.! "Josh, I don't know what to say. My head is honestly still reeling from all of this. You're attracted to me?" "Attracted to you? I would consider that an understatement. If I had the opportunity, I rip your clothes off right now and make love to you. But I don't do that on first dates." And he just winked at me. "But why me?" "It's quite simple, contrary to popular belief the type of person that I look for is a smart, normal guy who is unique and does his own thing, isn't trying to get with the in crowd and most importantly is not so self-absorbed that he can't see the room around him. And you my friend, check every one of those things. Not to mention the fact that you are gorgeous. You may try to hide what you actually look like with your clothes, but remember I've seen you in the locker room. I know what you look like for real. So what do you say, will you go out with me?" It was such a cruel joke. I was being asked out by the most popular guy in school and yet I was about to say no because I'm love with a man who is not only not gay, but most likely going to propose to a woman, but is my father too! "Let's go to the party, and then we can talk more after." "Well, that does not sound like a yes, but it's not a no either so I'll take it. But don't think I'm going to let you get away that easily." He just winked at me and then started driving to the party. My head was just reeling. I had no idea what to do at this point. As we pulled up to the house where the party was being held, before he even had a chance to open the door of his car half of the girls and guys that where outside the house came running up to the car to grab him into a big circle, and before I knew it I was being lifted off the ground myself by a multitude of people. It was an odd feeling actually being considered a "cool" guy. No one had ever paid attention to me like this before. Especially not at school. Everyone was chanting and saying things I wasn't even listening to. I was still reeling from what had just happened in the car not 20 minutes ago. After basically being carried into the house and everyone congratulating the 2 of us because it was Josh who threw the ball to me, which now I was starting to think was not so much to win the game but to get me noticed and to trust him. A very smart ploy, I wouldn't have thought of it. After everyone had finally separated and gone off into their own little groups, I once again slipped out to the backyard and found a spot to sit by myself and think. I have the most popular guy in school asking me out and I'm about to say no to him, for the reason that I'm in love with someone that I can never have for a multitude of reasons. See I'm the type of person that when I love them, they deserve all my attention and no one else. It would be impossible to do that in this case, and I can say that to Josh, and he will ask who, and how can I tell him that? I'm a horrible liar especially to people who I care about. I was just miserable. At that point, I decided I just wanted to leave and go home to cry in bed like I did every other night and now even more so. But before I even had a chance to that, I felt arms come around my shoulders, and someone whispering in my ear, "I had wondered where you went. Been looking for you all night. Look, I'm sorry about what I did in the car, I know that was probably a bit too much. But I just couldn't help myself. I wish you could see what a beautiful person you are. And I don't just mean that physically. I want you to know something, and please take note I'm not just trying to convince or come on to you here, this is the truth. I pick my true friends very carefully. Yeah, I'm a jock and all, but you know what it's very hard to wear to faces and be two people, but you know that just as well as I do. However, when you joined the team, I knew instantly that you didn't want to be there. And I studied and watched you – and you changed and got better, I also know that you sit by yourself all the time, when not at practice or class, and just ignore the rest of the world. What I'm still trying to figure out is why. You could be so much more, why do you deny yourself of that?" I just looked at him with tears running down my face. It was one of the nicest, kindest things anyone had ever said to me. I could tell it was from a caring friendship point of view and nothing more than that. "Josh, you are beautiful too inside and out. And I don't know what it is that you see in me. I truly am just a boring old guy who happens to be able to play football. You're right I didn't want to be there, the coach almost forced me to. But that aside, I'm also someone who believes in giving their all to everything and anyone. So, if I do something it's my full concentration and nothing less, which I guess you can attribute to my improvement in football too. But that sentiment also goes towards people too. I was truly honored and shocked at what happened in the car and what you said there. And you know what, my devotion to you as a friend and person falls into the way my mind works. But here's one problem. My heart and soul has belonged to someone else for many years, it's never been returned and I know it never will be. And I have tried to break it and move on just for the reason of knowing that it would never be returned. But I couldn't and then after today, I tried even harder, and I couldn't. And if I can't give my all to you, it's not fair. You deserve someone who can love you and treat you the way you deserve to be. And unfortunately, it can't be me." I was bawling at this point. I hadn't realized It, but apparently, I had at some point laid my head on his chest and his arms were around me comforting me. "It's OK. It's OK, get it all out." Cry all you want I'm here for you, my friend." It was so odd, it was the exact physical, even mental feeling that I wanted at that point, it just wasn't the with the person I want it to be with. "Listen to me, I'm not going to bug you about any type of boyfriend thing ever again. I got what you said, and I'm honored that you would even consider it. So lets leave that there. And whoever else this other person, and I'm not going to push on that either. But what I will say is that pining over someone who you know will never be available is not worth it. It will ruin your own existence, mentality, and whole list of other things. I know saying that or doing it is no easy task but it's the truth. I had a similar experience. And you are the very first person I have ever told this to, but I'd say from the time I was 12 I didn't care that I was gay I knew it and accepted it. But there was a boy who I was so attracted to – no infatuated with that it almost destroyed my life. And I knew I could never have him. But it didn't matter, I passed up so many things, I almost flunked out of school because he was all I could think of. But I knew even all through it, that it was impossible, and he would never accept or return the love that I had for him. It was finally the threat from my parents that if I didn't get my act together, that I was going to flunk out of school and be thrown out the house to finally, let's say bend it, to a point that I could function as a person again and go on living my life. So, I know where you are, but I want you to also realize that you're heart belongs to you not someone else. You may want to give it to them, but it belongs to you." I could see tears streaming down his face now. I just took my thumb and wiped them away, and just looked into his eyes. They sparkled in the moon light just like my fathers did. But these were different. I could see love in them. I could also see pain. Had I not seen the pain I would have thought the story was bullshit. But I saw that pain, I knew it. I've had it, I do have it I know what it's like. "Thank you for trusting me with that. I'll never tell another soul about it." "I know." "Josh?" "Yes?" "Do you still love that person?" "More than anything on the face of the earth. And before you even ask, yes, if given the opportunity, if I was with anyone would I leave them for him? Yes, I would." He really could read my mind. "Josh, you know it's early December, I forgot to ask where you plan or are trying to go to college, I mean that's basically 9 months from now, what are you going to do?" "Interesting transition - but since you asked, actually I'm sticking around here and just going to the state University. Why do you ask?" "I was just curious; I'm surprised you didn't get better offers>" "Well actually I did, but my gut told me that I needed to stick around here. So, I turned them down." "I think I'm going to go home. It's only a few blocks away I can walk it you don't need to drive me." "Are you sure? I told you no more of that other shit, it's just 2 friends." "No, I know you want to stay, and the girls are looking for you. But thank you so much for tonight. I've never been able to tell anyone that, and it felt good to get it out and know that I have someone to talk to." "Likewise, David, you always know how to reach me if you need to," "Thanks Josh." And I just walked away. It was one of the weirdest nights I had ever had and one of the oddest yet most comforting discussions I've ever had. I could see myself with Josh. He was near next to perfect, understands how I feel and would take the same actions that I would in the scenario. Would having him as a boyfriend be so bad? As I lay in my bed just staring at the ceiling pondering all the actions that happened today, I was the one that scored the winning touchdown for our football team. I was the one that was celebrated at a party, I was kissed by the most popular and in my opinion and most others beautiful boys in school, furthermore he asked me to be his boyfriend and told me that he had a similar experience to the one I'm having now with my father, but he was able to get passed it. My head was spinning, but it was also hearing the sounds from down the hall which made me ill. That woman and my father having sex. But I had no right to ruin his happiness either. I knew that he was lonely. He would never admit it, but even with all the arguing and what not for 16 years he had someone with him and then she was gone. And I could see the loneliness in eyes and his soul. He didn't deserve that. He deserved to be happy and with someone that he loved and loved him back. I wanted it to be me, but clearly, he wasn't gay. And I never detected any attraction to me in that sense. So, what the fuck was my problem?? Simple I was deeply in love with him, and I can't stop it. And with that, as like every other night I cried myself to sleep again. As I woke up the following morning and went downstairs to make coffee, I found my father sitting at the table reading the paper alone. Which I found rather odd. I definitely thought that she would be there with him. "Hey kiddo! Didn't hear you come in last night must have been pretty late. How's the hang-over?" "Hey dad. Nah no hangover – I only had 2 beers last night so I'm fine got in around 1. But I'm surprised. What are you doing here all by yourself? I know you certainly had fun last night!" He was so cute when he blushed. "Well actually, she just left, said she had a yoga class to go to. And yes, I did have a good time last night." He just looked at me with a devilish grin on his face. But I got the chance to see into his eyes which was exactly what I wanted. That loneliness was gone. Yep, she was the one. "Hey, how come you didn't have any fun last night? The guy that picked you up looked familiar." "Yes, dad he's the quarterback of the team and a senior, and he did want to have fun last night, but I just couldn't do it." And I just looked down at the table, with a feeling of embarrassment, because I knew where this conversation was going, and I didn't want to have it." "David what's wrong? Why not?" "Because I couldn't. I'm in love with someone else that doesn't love me back the same way and I can't break myself from it." I just started crying, it was all going to come out now. "Dad, I know this is going to sound sick and perverted but it's the truth. The person that I'm in love with is..." I don't know why but it just wouldn't come out. "David, you can tell me. You know I hold nothing against you, never could, never would." I finally just took a deep breath, "Dad the person I'm in love with is you. I know you're not gay and would never do anything like that with me. But for so many years I've tried to fight it and break it and stop it I couldn't. I can't help it." He just got up and came around the table and pulled me into his arms and held me tight. It felt so good and so right. "David, it's OK. I'm glad that you were able to tell me. And I want you to know that I do NOT in any way think that you are sick or perverted. You love who you love. There's no controlling that. But it's OK. I know the reality of our situation is hard to deal with. But you know what? You have a right to be happy too. And I want you to think about that very carefully. You always tell me that I should be happy and do things that I enjoy. Well, why don't you take some of your own advice? You deserve to be happy too. And I'm terribly sorry that I can't be the one that makes you happy that way. But I'm pretty sure that there is someone out there that can do it. And you hated sports but look what you just did. You scored the winning touchdown of the final game for the school. Not many people can say that." He looked into my eyes, as he wiped the tears off my face, "Listen to me David, I love you and I will always be here for you no matter what. Just because I'm not your lover doesn't mean that I don't love you. And I do dearly. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and you will always have a place with me no matter who I'm with." He just pulled me in closer and hugged me tighter this time kissing the top of my head and said, "Some other man is going to be the luckiest guy on earth to have you. And there will be one. Trust me." And then he just stood up and walked down to his bedroom and closed the door. I could not believe what just happened. What had just transpired over the last hour, all that was said. I told my father I was in love with him. And he very kindly and gently and in soft words said no to me and go find someone else. It was the strangest feeling. It was if a part of my life had ended. One that I never ever thought I would let end. The problem was, my brain knew it and understood it, but my heart still had that yearning for him. However, his statement of listening to my own advice to him about doing things that made me happy. I tried to think about that. What made me happy? Spending time with him, thinking about him, wishing things for him. If I really thought about it, was there anything else that made me happy? I didn't know. I don't think I let myself be happy with anything else. Maybe it was time to finally give up. The problem is, there's one trait about me that everyone always comments on. If I'm going to do something, I never give up until I succeed. I finally just got up from the table completely spent. I was worn out emotionally and just wanted to go and lay back down. As I was walking down the hallway, I heard the phone ringing in my bedroom. "Who the fuck is calling me?" I thought to myself, no one ever does. I looked at the caller ID – Josh Hamilton. Comments welcome at Alwaysready123@gmail.com