Date: Thu, 27 Mar 2003 19:39:32 EST
From: NJRimzu@aol.com
Subject: Billy and Danny, Ch. 11

Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Chapter 11

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or
live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males sex is
illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story
begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely
fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop
of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now,
so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments
are appreciated at NJRimzu@aol.com


Nov. 16


Danny

Everything has been focused on the march on Washington for weeks. The march
was announced right after the Moratorium seemed to be all anyone talked
about. I mean, we went to class, did our homework and papers and went
through all of the usual student and fun stuff, but the idea of going to
Washington to protest the war en masse was overwhelming. Maybe everyone
wasn't against the war, but it sure seemed like it.

It was planned as a long weekend demonstration, but since the march itself
was happening on Saturday, Billy, Lucy and I decided to take one of the
chartered buses from campus early Saturday morning, returning late at
night. I had been so turned on at the Moratorium and couldn't wait for the
even larger gathering in Washington. I think protest is getting into my
blood. Maybe I should major in Political Science.

The four-hour bus ride to Washington was pretty boring, in spite of a few
vocal activists who tried to keep a pep rally going along the way. One was
black and somewhat effeminate and tried to tie in the antiwar message with
the civil rights movement, including the growing movements supporting
rights for women and gay people. It was the first time I'd ever heard any
speaker include gay people in a political agenda, though every time he
mentioned it, he got some giggles and hisses from the bus riders. I assumed
he was queer, as did most of the people around and few paid attention to
him. I thought he sounded pretty radical, but respected the way he got up
and said what he thought, regardless of the reaction.


Billy

I'd never been in Washington in my life. So my only memory of it was the
news clips of Dr. King's famous speech in 1963. I know he was talking about
black people and white people. About equality, about justice, about
dignity. People didn't talk about homosexuals in those days, only six years
ago. They don't talk much about us now, but I wonder what he would have
thought about us. Black churches don't talk about us except in the same
prejudiced way white churches do. I've heard people at Mama's church
denounce Dr. King's association with Bayard Rustin, a long time civil
rights leaders, one of Dr. King's confidants, questioning his
morality. That black queer on the bus was a revelation to me. His
effeminacy turned me off, but I had to admire his balls.

Being young and black, a march on Washington was incredibly exciting to
me. The epitome of peaceful social action. But, being there for an anti-war
march, not a civil rights march, kind of neutralized the feeling. I mean,
it is a racial issue. It's a mostly black racist war. White kids get draft
deferments far more than blacks.  But being gay, knowing how my black
community was against that, took away some of the enthusiasm. Real mixed
feelings.

The march was an amazing experience. Our 'massive' march at the Moratorium
in New Brunswick probably had 5,000 people. There must have been a half a
million on Pennsylvania Ave, white, black, yellow, red, old, young, rich,
poor. All coming together for one cause; marching, chanting, singing. I'd
never imagined a group like this could ever get together for anything. At
the rally afterward, there were so many speakers. Mostly white, about
evenly divided between the ruling class, rich white politicians, and
radical young students. And some good music, mostly folk music, which Danny
has turned me on to. Near the end when Peter, Paul and Mary sang 'Day is
Done', I looked over at Danny and he had tears streaming down his cheeks. I
wanted to hold him in my arms and lick his tears away. But we were in
public. Fortunately, Lucy put an arm around him and offered him a tissue,
but it left me feeling so frustrated that I couldn't be the one comforting
him.

After the rally, we had about an hour until the bus left to go back. We
went to the Lincoln Memorial, at my insistence. I just stood there staring
up at the seated Lincoln for long minutes. Then I turned around and looked
out over the mall, realizing I was standing where Dr. King had stood six
years ago. I thought of the 100 years between Lincoln's Emancipation
Proclamation and Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech. One hundred fucking
years. Even knowing the history of that hundred years, I had to think, 'How
can this be justified? How can justice take so long?'


Lucy

I'll have to admit I'm not a political animal. I'm an artist and a
pacifist. But I've never been one very interested in political causes. I'm
more an observer of life, trying to capture human emotions on film. I get
off on emotional experiences; because of the pictures they give me. Not
that I'm a cold, feelingless bitch. More like I have delayed
reactions. When something exciting is happening, I remain cool, snapping
away, recording it. And then, once the photos are developed, I absorb
myself in the emotions I see in the still photos and let the feelings
absorb into me.

Danny and Billy are pulling me out of that. Danny's innocence, awe and
wonder of the world, clashing with Billy's cynicism, anger and sometime
hatred of things, keep me off balance. They make me realize that life is
happening now, that it is very real and people react to it in very
different ways. Danny spent the day totally absorbed in every thing around
us, taking in every person, every chant, every speech, every song. Billy
seemed a little distant, a little detached, like he was seeing everything,
but through eyes that were more like my camera's, recording it now for
processing later.

But I'm a great observer, especially of my two boys. I'm not sure how
conscious of it they were, but the massive march down Pennsylvania Avenue
was loaded with heterosexual couples, holding hands, walking arm in arm,
arms wrapped around each other. Couples hugging, couples making out. Maybe
I only noticed this because I was a single woman in the crowd. But I was
acutely aware of how Billy and Danny positioned themselves, so close, but
not quite together. These two beautiful guys, head over heels in love,
having to keep their distance, while straight couple who had met maybe only
minutes before were able to display any type of intimacy in the middle of
the street. I'll have to think of some way they can get around that.

Riding home on the bus, we were remarkably silent, aside from occasional
casual, sort of banal, comments. Partly it was exhaustion from the long
day; partly it was being emotionally overwhelmed by the experience. As we
pulled into New Brunswick, I asked if we could all get together today for
lunch at Patty's to go over what we'd experienced in Washington.

We ended up getting a pizza at Patty's and taking it up to the boy's dorm
room to eat. Which worked out great because we didn't have to watch what we
said the way we would have in the restaurant. We talked quite a bit about
the march, but I changed the subject to them, and some things that I've
been wondering about.

"Does it bother you guys that all those straight couples were hanging all
over each other yesterday and you couldn't? I mean, would you want to act
like that if you could?"

"Nothing makes me feel better than holding Billy's hand, or having him hold
me in his arms. Nothing. But we're not allowed to do that in public. We
just can't. And so that's that. It's just a fact of life we have to
accept."

"Sometimes, when we're out at night in the dark when no one is around, we
hold hands a bit or find a private place and make out a little. But we have
to be careful. So it's not as enjoyable as when we are together here in the
room. It's just not fair. Sometimes I ache to touch Danny, sometimes I
really need him to hold me, but we can't. It really sucks."

"Have you ever thought about, what's the expression that's going around,
coming out of the closet? Of just telling people the truth and being
yourselves?"

"Are you nuts, girl? Do you know what it would be like if everyone knew? I
mean, telling one or two close friends who keep our secret is one
thing. But holding hands on College Avenue would be telling everyone, and
some, if not most, would react very badly."

"Yeah, I don't think I could handle it, everybody knowing. I've always been
sort of obsessed about what people think of me, so I don't think I could
deal with all the negative stuff that would come from that."

 "I don't give a shit what people think of me, but everyone knowing would
cause all kinds of trouble. Harassment, fights, intimidation. Stuff I've
dealt with before but don't want to have to keep dealing with. And stuff
that I would never want to see Danny have to deal with."

"Plus, with so many kids I went to high school with being here, it would
only be a matter of time before word got out back home and my parents found
out. I think I'd die if that happened."

I hadn't realized how tough it was on the boys. Keeping their secret hurt
them and took a toll on them, but letting it out would be even
tougher. It's amazing they manage to keep their sanity and function so well
with all they've got to think about and worry about going on inside them.


Billy

Lucy's questions brought up issues Danny and I hadn't even discussed with
each other. We hadn't given any thought to telling anyone other than
Lucy. Without even saying anything, I think we both knew we didn't want
anyone else to know.

"I hate living a secret life, girl, but that's how it's gotta be. We
haven't really talked about it, but I don't think either of us could handle
anyone finding out."

"Billy's right, Lucy. From day one it's just been a given that this is a
secret we have to keep to ourselves. That's why we both kinda flipped out
when you showed our pictures to your professor. Though we hadn't said it
outright, we just assumed you would know it was a secret and keep it for
us."

"I realized it was, but didn't think showing the pictures was giving you
away, though it might have been. But either way, it didn't matter to
Professor Cameron. Isn't there someone you guys could talk to about this?
Some way to make it easier?"

"You're the only one. Got any great ideas?"

"Not at the moment. But since we're talking about it, what do you really
think your parents' reactions would be if they found out?"

"Shit! My father would probably kill me and never speak to me again. In
that order. And Mama, she'd cry and pray, tell me I was going to hell and
turn her back on me."

"You can't be serious. They're your parents. They love you. I'm sure they'd
take it hard and it would be rough for a while, but they'd get over it."

"You don't know my parents. Danny's met them. I think he'd agree with me."

"Yeah, I think they'd take it really bad. It could be ugly. And it wouldn't
just blow over after a while. My parents might act a bit quieter about it,
but it would be just as bad with them. I've spent my whole life trying to
win their approval. I don't think I could take the total loss of their
respect. They'd never understand. They probably wouldn't turn their backs
on me, but I'm sure my Mom would blame herself and Dad, and want me to try
to change. And my Dad wouldn't understand at all. He'd probably go into
denial and I might lose him. It would be kind of like a death in the
family, leaving everyone distraught and apart, emotionally, if not
physically."

"But how long do you think you can keep it from them? Sooner or later,
you'll have to tell them."

"We haven't really discussed it much, but I just figured that Billy and I
would continue to be roommates through college, then get an apartment
together once we get jobs after graduation. After a while, they'll figure
it out, but by then they'll be so used to us being together, maybe it won't
matter."

"Well, then, I guess 'coming out' is not an option. So how about going
out?"

"What are you talking about?" She brightened up so much all of a sudden I
couldn't tell what was coming next.

"It just hit me. New York. The Village. There's supposed to be lots of gay
people there. And no one knows you. And it's only 40 miles away. You guys
could go into the city and be yourselves, get lost in the crowd. No one
would know or care. And you could be free."


Danny

I was so depressed thinking about my parents finding out, I wasn't really
paying attention when Lucy made her suggestion. It was Billy's enthusiastic
response that stirred me from my thoughts.

"Hey, amiga, sometimes you come up with some great ideas! Now I know why we
keep you around. What do you say, Danny?"

"Sorry, I was kind of lost in thought and missed something. What are we
talking about?"

"Lucy suggested we go into the Village and hang out with the gay guys
there. We could act however we like and no one would care."

"That sounds great. But do either of you know where the Village is? I've
only been to the city on school trips and last month when we went to see
Hair. Plus a trip my family took to the World's Fair, but that wasn't even
in Manhattan."

"I've never been there, but I think it's downtown."

"For a couple of perverts, you guys are so innocent. I guess I'll have to
be your tour guide. I've been to the Village several times and have seen
some gay people on the streets, though I'm not sure exactly where the gay
section is. But it's not a very big place so we should be able to find it."

"Cool. When can we go?" I was getting more excited about it by the minute.

"Why don't we make a day of it next Saturday? We could take the train in,
wander around, have lunch. I could take pictures of you two acting queer."

"Damn. Like that'll be inconspicuous. A black boy and a white boy holding
hands and a sexy Latin mama taking pictures."

"Billy, you don't know New York. No one will even notice."


Nov. 22


Lucy

We met at the train station at 11 this morning and rode into Penn
Station. The boys were so eager to see their gay Mecca. I guess that maybe
I'd over inflated their hopes. Okay, they see me as this slightly older,
more experienced woman. And I'm pretending to be a bit worldlier than I
am. I mean, I've been to the Village a half a dozen times. But I have no
idea where to find gay people. The Village I've been in has been cool, hip,
filled with young hippie types, but not gay. Though I know there are gay
people in the Village, I don't know where. I tried to act like the old pro,
leading them to the subway.

We got off at 14th St. and walked down 7th Ave. At the corner of Greenwich,
I stopped and looked around. I'd given this a lot of thought, but still
wasn't sure.

"What's the matter, girl, lost already?"

"No, Billy. It's just that usually, I go down Greenwich to Sixth Ave., go
down a couple of blocks, turn left and there's the Village. It's a
happening place, but it's not gay. So I've been trying to figure out where
the gay section might be."

"I thought you knew. You sounded like you knew everything about the
Village." Danny sounded really disappointed.

"I've been giving it a lot of thought this week. The part of the Village
I'm familiar with is right in the middle, just south of Washington
Square. It's where all of the famous clubs and bars are. Where the hippies
hang out, and where the beatniks before them used to go. But as I said,
it's not gay. Over toward the East River is the East Village, which I've
been told more than once is a pretty dangerous area. So I don't think that
would be the gay section either. I think that our best bet is over here,
the West Village. I think we should stay on this side of town, go a little
farther south and then just circle around, keeping our eyes open."

"In other words, we're lost. Lucy, we counted on you. We thought you knew
what you were doing."

'Billy, I do have some idea where we are. Stop being a negative ass and
start being an explorer. We are in the Village. You two can hold hands,
kiss, make out, whatever you're brave enough to do and no one will
challenge you. Even if we don't find other gay people."

Danny


Damn! I thought Lucy knew what she was doing. Although what she said made
sense, I had been looking for a miracle. I wanted to step off the curb and
go from one world into another, like Dorothy stepping out of her house into
Oz. But I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and follow
her. Even without gay people, this part of New York fascinated me. It
really was a village, though so much more a city than I was used to. But
compared to midtown, with the skyscrapers and traffic and blasting horns
and sidewalk crowds, it was a village. Smaller buildings, narrow, crooked
streets, little shops. It was charming, a real neighborhood.

We walked three or four blocks down and stopped for a light at Christopher
St. I looked across Seventh Ave. and 'Bingo'. There were two guys on the
other corner holding hands.

"Lucy, Billy, look! Across the street. Gay guys."

"Hey, white boy. If you want to see gay guys, look straight ahead in that
little park. Look at those two on the bench, more eating each other alive
than making out."

"Well, boys, I think we've found it."

We just stood on the corner and watched all around us for a while, taking
in all of the people passing, some gay couples, some singles.

"Tell you what, guys. I want to get some good pictures of the two of you,
but more or less candid. Now that we're here, why don't you two go off on
your own, behaving however you would like. I'll put a zoom lens on the
camera and tag along, taking your pics when you don't know I am. It'll give
you a chance to be alone together in an intimate, but public setting, and
give me a chance to take some great shots."

"Okay, but not for too long. It's past lunchtime and I'm hungry."

"A half hour, Danny, then lunch, then some more pictures."

So we wandered around, sometimes holding hands, sometimes with Billy's arm
around me. It felt so good, being able to exchange the affection we felt
for each other outside of our little dorm room.

We came to a tiny place on Christopher St. specializing in omelets and
burgers and looked around for Lucy. She was across the street a little
ahead of us. We waved her over and went inside for lunch.

"Having fun, boys?"

"Oh, it's great! I love being able to be so open."

"Yeah, I hadn't realized it before, but keeping our relationship a secret,
hiding it behind closed doors, kind of makes me feel like there's something
wrong with us. As much as I love Danny, and as happy as I am with him,
secrecy breeds guilt. But this is fantastic. I think we may be spending
lots of time here."

"You're right about the guilt thing. I guess it's been just under the
surface, something I hadn't quite noticed, but felt nagging at me a
bit. But this openness brings a much healthier feel to everything. I love
it. And I love Billy. And I love you Lucy for bringing us here."

"Well, that's a lot of love on the table. I'm glad I was able to bring you
boys here and that it means so much to you. It feels good seeing you both
so happy."

"Did you guys notice that guy on the corner back there with the earring? He
just had one, in his left ear. A diamond, or something like it."

"Yeah, I saw him. What about it, Danny boy?"

"Nothing, I just thought it looked cool. I never saw a guy with an earring
before. I liked the look."

"I didn't see him, but I'm not sure I'd like it. You guys have got to leave
us girls something of our own."

"Well, I kind of liked it, too. It's like he was making a statement. Hey,
next weekend is Thanksgiving, four days off. Let's make some plans to get
together and do something. I don't think I can take four days at home with
Pop and Mama. And I know I can't take four days away from Danny."

"Same here. I guess we've all got family stuff on Thursday. Do you think
your parents would let you come up to Livingston on Friday and spend the
weekend with me? And we could get together with you, Lucy, either in
Livingston or Morristown. Or maybe even come back here for a day."

"I'm sure my parents would grumble a bit, you know, that I've been away all
semester and then run off the minute I get home. Plus they're not too crazy
about you Danny, as you know. But it's not like we do anything together as
a family when I'm home, so they probably won't put up too much of a
fuss. As long as I'm there for the big family dinner on Thursday."

"I can show you guys around Morristown. I'll ask Aunt Connie if you can
come to dinner on Saturday. There a good coffeehouse in town that has
entertainment on weekends we can go to."

"Why don't you both come over to my house on Friday. We can play pool,
listen to records, just hang out."

"Sounds good. A full schedule and not too expensive. And we all get to
spend a lot of time together."

"Okay, guys, lunch break is over. Back to flaunting your relationship in
public with me recording it on film."


Billy

At the corner of Christopher and Hudson, while waiting for the light to
change, Danny suddenly turned, hugged me tightly and gave me a big kiss.

"What was that for?"

"I just love you so much and it feels so good to be able to show you. I
want to love you like this forever."

"Same here, baby. This is the best, the way life should be. Sometimes I
think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have found you. I mean, what
were the odds? And don't think I'm ever letting you go."

"I hope not, because I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me."

"Thank God, 'cause you're stuck with me, too. You know, I was thinking
that, with Christmas not that far off, maybe we could pool our meager
resources and get some kind of gift for each other that would symbolize our
relationship."

"I'd like that. Did you have anything in mind?"

"Some kind of jewelry would be nice, but something simple 'cause we don't
have much money. Maybe matching rings or gold chains."

"I think chains would be better. Matching rings would raise too many
eyebrows. How much do you think we can afford to spend? I know my Mom and
Dad will let me have some of my money for Christmas shopping, but I have to
get them and my sister gifts with that."

"I can't count on anything from my parents and I have to buy them stuff,
too, plus my sister and brother-in-law and nephew. Good thing I've been
setting aside a little from my modeling. We'll have to keep the price down,
but I don't want anything that looks cheap. It's our first Christmas and I
want it to be special."

"There was a jewelry store a few blocks back. Why don't we go take a look
and get some ideas?"

"Good idea, white boy."

"I get one now and then."

We turned around and just about ran into Lucy who was coming up behind us.

"What's up, guys? Looked like you were having quite a conversation."

"Not much, really. We were talking about getting a Christmas present for
each other and decided to do a little window shopping."

"Shopping? Now that's something I can really get into."

"Sorry, Luce. You can't come into the store with us. Danny and I want to do
this alone. Since we aren't going to surprise each other with our gift, we
would like to at least be able to surprise you. Besides, we may even look
for something for you, too."

"Ooh! I like getting gifts even more than shopping. I'll be glad to wait
outside while you pick out something wonderful for me."

We reached the store Danny had seen and went in; while Lucy went on to take
pictures of 'local color', as she put it. As soon as we walked in the
salesman approached us, but we told him we were just looking. He moved off
and left us alone, but kept an eye on us. We looked at chains and
bracelets. The men's gold bracelets were all pretty heavy, and so pretty
expensive, plus they weren't very interesting. The chains came in all
lengths and thicknesses, and so in all prices, but were boring.

Danny suddenly tugged on my sleeve and whispered, "Look at that sign."

I looked where he was pointing. 'Free ear piercing with purchase of
earrings."

"No way, white boy. I mean, I liked the look, but you were talking about
rings raising eyebrows. Matching earrings would scream 'Faggots'."

"Maybe not. On campus, we could just say they were the latest thing in New
York, that everyone in the Village was wearing them. No one would know any
different. And the few times we go home, we just wouldn't wear them."

I hesitated. He had me. I did really like the look. And they would be
something so special, which is what we wanted.

"Okay, let's take a look. I'm not saying we're doing this, but we can
look."

As we moved over to the glass counter with the earrings, the salesman came
over. He was middle-aged and a bit feminine.

"Make up your minds, boys?"

I decided to be bold. "Not yet, but I have a question about that sign. If
we buy a pair of earrings, do both ears have to be on the same head?"

He broke into a broad smile.

"No. Two earrings, two ears. No other rules apply."

'Okay, we'll let you know."

Danny had been searching the cabinet while I was talking. He pointed out a
pair as soon as I looked over. They were absolutely beautiful. Large, but
not huge clear stones that seemed to glow from all the light they were
reflecting. I glanced around the case at the others. Danny's pick was far
and away the best.

"Excuse me, could we see these, please?"

The salesman took them out. "Good choice. These are a half carat each, and
just about the most flawless diamonds I've seen."

"They are really beautiful. How much are they?"

He took the tag out of the bottom of the box. "$450.00."

"Oh, shit-sorry. I don't think we can afford that."

"Too bad. They're really special. What price range were you looking in?"

"I'm not sure. Give us a minute."

We moved away from the counter.

"Okay, Dan. Let's do some math. I've got $100.00 or so in the bank. If I
really cut back, I might be able to squeeze my other Christmas presents out
of what I make modeling between now and then, not counting something for
Lucy. So let's say I've got a little under a hundred for us. Where are
you?"

"I've got $60.00 in the bank. And what my Mom let's me have from my savings
will only cover gifts for them, with maybe a little left over. So, I might
be able to come up with $75.00."

"So that leaves us with maybe $160.00 and a cheap gift for Lucy. Shit. Tell
you what, I'm gonna take that offer from Professor Cameron to model at
Douglass. Seven classes at $10.00. That gives us $230.00."

Danny just stared at the wall for a minute.

"Tell me it's not so terrible," he whispered in a shaky voice.

"What?"

"Modeling."

"You mean you think you might do it, too?"

"I mean I really want those earrings. They just jumped out at me and I
think they did to you too. They seem just the right thing for our first
Christmas. If we don't get them, I think I'll always wish we had. I managed
to model for Lucy. Maybe I can do it a few times for a class. And maybe we
can pinch pennies the rest of the semester and save a little more."

Wow! I know Danny. I know how hard this will be for him. But this was
obviously important to him. To tell the truth, it was to me, too. Time for
negotiation. I called the salesman over.

"We really want those earrings, but we can't come up with the price. We
know what we can afford now and have figured out a way to come up with some
more money by Christmas. But we still can't come close to what you're
asking. Can you do something for us? Can you give us some kind of break?"

"I could see you were in serious conversation. Obviously, you want
them. And you are such an adorable couple. There is no one I'd rather see
wearing them than you. So while you were talking, I did a little checking
myself. I can let you have them for $260.00, which is just a hair above
cost. I'd rather have someone like you get them and make no money than make
a profit and sell them to someone who doesn't really care."

"You're fantastic! Can we give you a down payment now, have you set them
aside and come back with the rest of the money just before Christmas?"

"Well, we don't usually do Lay-Away, but I'll make an exception. Give me
10% and your names and address and I'll hold them for you."

We managed to come up with $26.00, leaving us with $2.00. Good thing we had
round-trip train tickets.

"Okay, white boy, now that we've settled on our present, what about Lucy?"

"Well, we'll really have to wait and see how much money we have, but I
think we should give her something nice. After all, she is our best
friend. Maybe a locket. We could put our pictures inside."

"How about close-ups of our dicks?"

"Oh, you're always so romantic, black boy. That's why I love you so."

We looked at some lockets and got some ideas and some prices, then went out
to rejoin Lucy.

"So, did you boys find what you were looking for?"

"Absolutely. But we're way out of our price range, so we need a favor from
you."

"I can't believe you're going to hit me up for a loan so you can buy me a
present."

"No, Luce, nothing like that. It's just that we need to get some more money
so we've decided to take Professor Cameron up on her offer."

"You mean both of you? Danny? Are you sure you want to do this? Are you
sure you can? You did pretty well with me, but it was just the three of us
and even so you were more than a bit uncomfortable at first."

"Well, it's not like I want to do it. I don't get off waving my wang around
in front of strangers like black boy here. But for what we want, we need to
make some money and it's not fair for Billy to do all the work. We should
make equal contributions. Besides Billy's going to give me some survival
tips."

"So can you talk to the prof and see if we can get together and work out a
schedule? That's the favor I was talking about before."

"No problem. I'll talk to her tomorrow. I'm not surprised by your decision,
Billy, but I am by you, Danny. You've got guts."

"Hey, I haven't done it yet. Save the praise for after."