Rocco Paperiello
roccopaperiello@yahoo.com

Chapter 52 -- Worries, A Big Bang, & Some Worries Resolved

Jade and I were at my house the next Sunday evening watching the early evening news. The local news just came on after the Huntley-Brinkley Report. This was what we were interested in. Jade looked almost as worried as I felt. Damn. How could I have known it was that powerful?

Jade whispered: "How did I ever let you talk me into it?"

I looked up at the clock. 6:23 PM. I didn't answer.

Jade glanced over himself. "I wonder how many more minutes of freedom I have."

"Stop worrying. How can they possible find out?"

My Mom looked over at us. "What are you two whispering about over there? We're trying to hear this." She looked back toward the TV. "I'm curious if there will be anything about that explosion we heard late this afternoon?"

We whispered back and forth `til Mom gave us an exasperated look. "Here it is, now keep quiet. I want to hear this."

From the TV news announcer we heard: "And here's Sergeant Peters who was at the scene just hours ago."

A few preliminaries, and then:

"Sergeant Peters, we are standing here in Pennypack Park, about several hundred yards behind Lincoln High School. Could you describe just what happened here?" The film showed the area behind him. "We can see a small tree uprooted and a big crater about 5 feet across."

"Well, we had a number of calls a few hours ago from people claiming they heard a loud explosion. At first we thought it just a prank but after a number of calls we couldn't ignore it. We finally were able to locate its source. Apparently some perpetrator set off a fairly large explosion. Fortunately it was quite far from areas where people usually frequent."

"Do you have any idea what caused the explosion or who may have done it?"

"Well, the explosion was most likely confined in a small paint can. From the pieces recovered, it was probably about a half-pint size. There is also evidence of copper wire. A small tree was uprooted and landed about 10 yards from the original site. Fortunately no one seems to have been hurt. We are currently working on a number of leads."

"And the cause?"

"Not yet known, but probably equal to about two sticks of dynamite."

"Thank you. That was Sergeant Peters and I am Alden Dunn."

Jade and I went white! OK, I went white and Jade went, well, however a really black skinned person goes when they're REALLY scared. We snuck to my room. "White-boy, if we live through this, unscathed, I will still kill you. You said a SMALL bang! That was huge. We got pelted with dirt and we were 50 feet away! Damn! I almost died of heart failure! How can you be certain we won't get caught?"

"How? No fingerprints. I was careful. Just a common paint can and copper wire from an old TV set. And I sort of borrowed the chemicals from my brother. And HE bought them over a year ago. No one saw us. No one and no houses for a quarter mile."

Jade was still scared. "NEVER! And I mean NEVER, do this to me again! I'm supposed to go back to school Tuesday, and I`d rather not be in jail."

I tried to say something that would calm him down, but I suddenly started laughing.

"Damn it White-boy, stop laughing. I aged 5 years just this afternoon! You said SMALL! The cop said equal to TWO STICKS OF DYNAMITE! And your mother heard it a half mile away!"

"OK, so I slightly underestimated a smidge. But you have to admit. It was AWESOME!"

We talked a bit more about it. Then we started Jade's assignments. Consuelo had brought them over to my house yesterday morning. Why she'd figure to bring them here is unsettling at best. (She claimed she didn't know where Jade lived). We were happy to be back at my house for our schoolwork. We sort of just started again a while ago and my parents never said anything. Jade's even been over to eat dinner a few times.

I sometimes have a tendency to start thinking about things that pop up in my memory, totally unconnected with what I am working on. So it happened a while later I got a stray thought, smiled my most sly smile and said: "And Consuelo said to say hi. You know, I think she REALLY likes you. You should have heard what she said about you."

Jade looked up. "If you value what MAY be left of your VERY SHORT life, don't start! I'm worried enough about that particular complication. And wipe that dumb smirk off your face."

I was smiling inside; (nor was I smirking on the outside). I had to push it: "She's a pretty nice complication, and really good looking for a black girl. Of course, she IS half Puerto Rican."

(A big pause here as I get clobbered by Jade for my last remarks).

"Darn Jade, keep those lethal weapons holstered." But I was still chuckling so I wasn't too sure he could understand me. I pulled down the collar of my shirt to look at my shoulder. "Heck Jade, I actually got a bruise." I decided to counter-attack verbally. "If you're not nice to me I won't care if you are handicapped, I'll have to clobber you back!"

Jade smiled at my obvious hubris. And then got back to the original discussion before we started his assignments. "You keep trying your best to get me into real trouble. Next time I won't listen to you."

"Here's something to take your mind off the tiny bang." I showed him a 1900 Indian Head penny.

"Wow. It's almost uncirculated. It has most its original shine. Where did you get this?"

"My Mom gave it to me. She said she just remembered it. She's had it since she was a small girl."

"You can see all the detail. What's it worth?"

"I looked it up. A near uncirculated 1900 Indian Head, about 10 bucks!"

"We can have it?"

"Sure. Let's put it in the folder." That we did.

We finished his assignments and I got out some of my work. The paper from biology class fell out of my book, and Jade picked it up.

"What! You only got a C minus! What happened to your A triple plus?"

I couldn't help showing my instant anger as I remembered about the paper. "The idiot of a teacher said no one says birds are direct present day descendents of the dinosaurs. We got in a big argument after school. I told him that's why it was a THEORY. I gave the paper to another science teacher and he agrees with me that the theory might just be plausible enough. In fact he said he was impressed."

"I guess all we have to do is wait a hundred years or more for some fossil evidence to be found to prove you right." Jade looked over, and said with concern in his voice. "I believe you."

"Thanks. I'll still get my A for the course. It's only one of about 5 reports plus all the tests. It just peeves me though. He probably just couldn't understand it." (I never said I was very humble).

Later I walked Jade home. His uncle was out the past couple nights so I went just in case. On the way I mentioned I'd be talking with Father Hearn the next day so would be home later.

"What'd you guys talk about?" Jade asked.

"Just the stuff we've been talking about. I want his opinion on some things. See if that stuff is actually the main view of the Church."

"Please let me know how it comes out." I could see the concern on Jade's face.

"Don't worry."

"That's what you said about the big fire work. And it turned out to be a small bomb." Then he got his own smirk. "By the way. Do you tell that priest how often you wank-off?"

I hit Jade so hard he even grunted. But I had to use most of my strength. "Not fair. You keep growing. And I stay like this."

The next day, I almost didn't get to see Father Hearn after all. I had a sort of flare-up with my biology teacher.

"Look, I don't really care what Mr. Duncan says. Your paper had no merit. I gave you a C minus merely because it was turned in. You were fortunate. If you don't stop arguing I will send you to Father Brand.

Later, I found myself in Father Brand's office -- again. I guess you could say I didn't stop arguing. Now I was talking to Father Brand. "But Father, since when should we be punished for intellectual discussions?"

"Ever since your teacher complained that you would not stop pestering him. Now what's this all about?"

I told him, and even showed him my paper. I tried to explain and finished with: "I had detailed diagrams of both skeletons and everything!"

I was pretty surprised when he kept reading the paper. He even read it again.

"You wrote this? You didn't copy the idea from some where?"

"No."

He handed back the paper. After a short pause. "Well, you going to hang out here all day?"

"Oh. I'm not in trouble?"

"No. And stay out of trouble."

Whew! I just have time to get to the newspaper office to catch Father Hearn.

Some time later Fr. Hearn and I were in his room in the faculty house. It was a certain indication of my extreme desperation that I was talking to him at all. We had been at it for a while.

I was getting heated up, and Father Hearn was on his second glass of beer. He interrupted another of my tirades: "But that also applies to heterosexuals who lose their spouse, or get divorced. We must believe God will give us the strength to do what He expects of us."

"First of all, how do we know that's what God expects of us? Even about people that get divorced? It doesn't seem logical. I don't remember anything in the bible that says a divorced person can't get remarried."

I thought that Father Hearn's eyes would bug out. He did take a couple gulps of "medicine." "Clearly you can't tell me that you believe that people can get divorced. It's in the bible "what God has joined, let no man put asunder.'"

"Sure, but if someone say deserts his wife, it is THAT person who `sundered' the marriage, not his wife. So she is innocent. Why can't she then remarry?"

"Because she's still married. That can't be undone."

"That's just semantics. She is definitely no longer married. Her husband deserted her. And even in the bible remarriage was OK'd under certain circumstances."

"You are clearly misguided here. The church has strict rules to apply for determining marriage annulments."

"An annulment means there really wasn't a marriage to begin with. In Acts, remarriage was allowed. The people were previously married. Unless you're telling me two non-Catholics can't be validly married."

"Well Rocco, I will definitely look into this and get some more information for you later. How about we get back to the matter at hand?"

"OK. Forget about divorced people for now, at least they had a chance to find someone that they could fall in love with, and get married. And have a close emotional relationship with. We get nothing! And that's not all. There's much worse." I tried to compose myself; I took a long swig of my Coke. Father Hearn took a gulp of his beer. I continued: "Look, when I was first trying to accept the fact of what I was, I at least consoled myself with thinking what I might do, to at least have some hope and happiness. Or even feeling like I'm needed. I first thought of being a priest. I thought since I had to be celibate, maybe God wanted me to be a priest. I . . ."

Father Hearn interrupted: "Considering your psychological state I don't think that would be wise."

"Please, I need to get this all out, Father. And I HATE it when anyone assumes I am psychologically sick. I am not! But that's another matter. This other stuff is more important."

"Rocco, please just pause for a moment. We don't have to decide everything in one day. This is a very complex situation. The best information we have today concludes that the homosexual state is one of arrested development. Where the individual fails to developed to the point where they can have mature relationships with the opposite sex. What we need to do is . . ."

I couldn't stay quiet any longer. "PLEASE! Please stop a second. I AM NOT SICK. I AM NOT MENTALLY ILL. Haven't you read the report by Kinsey? According to him people are either homosexual or heterosexual or a combination of both. They don't go through phases. When did you experience homosexual attractions?"

"We are talking about you. There is no need, in this case. . ."

I interrupted again. (So call me rude. I was upset. Very upset). "Sorry Father but I have to say this now. You just implied I am stuck in some immature phase. But that also implies it IS a phase for others. Isn't it fair to ask when you went through this phase?"

"I didn't."

"And I bet nobody else did either. OK, according to Kinsey many kids experiment. But they were still very capable of heterosexual feelings. Gees, for most teens just thinking of grass growing can get them excited."

"Well let's get past this point. We can always come back to it."

"All right. Anyway. I always wanted children. I always told myself I was going to be the best dad in the world. Now I can't. But then I decided I could at least work with kids. And I have a great friend in Jade, so at least I can have someone to confide in. Someone who understands me and be good friends with." I opened the report to a marked page. "I have all the stuff marked. We can't have any close or intimate relationships with girls because of what we are but listen to this.

"We must avoid ANY deep, personal relationships with persons of the same sex because they would serve as the occasions of sins. And it gets even worse. We must avoid ALL former homosexual companions. But they're the ONLY people we can even really relate to. And it gets even still worse. Here, it says to live alone! Gees, at least a priest has his community. We're not even allowed that. A priest at least can have a sense of a fulfilling life. And according to this we can't even have that." I leafed through the report again. "I've found it. Look what it says here. We must avoid military service, not to enter the clergy or any religious life, and it gets worse. I need to read this word for word:

One of the principles of conduct that an invert should formulate, because of his special condition, there is no value in allowing himself to form or continue romantic friendships with people of his own sex, no matter how chaste the relation may be. Even if the invert is continent (I had to look that word up) in these friendships, it is nevertheless, a human love which can never be fully realized or satisfied licitly. It will therefore, inevitably lead to anxiety and depression.

Finally I let Father Hearn say something. "Look, I can understand your current pain. But you're still very young. When you get older these things make much more sense, and also we are much better able to understand and follow God's will for us."

"But I am NOT older, I'm here NOW. And after reading all this I started thinking maybe I was in Hell already! I thought about this a lot as you can imagine. It seemed so unfair! And then I started to think. How can God be so unbelievably cruel?! How can he make us this way, and then say we can't live this way? How can the bible say God put both man and woman on earth because they needed that kind of companionship, and intimacy, but then tell all us unfortunate homosexuals, well EXCEPT FOR US? And then even go further and tell us that anything else that might even give us a feeling of hope or fulfillment or even close friendship we are also not allowed?"

"Well, you are no doubt exaggerating. It can't be that bad. I'm sure God does not intend for you not to have fulfillment."

"Well, maybe God didn't, but (and I picked up the report), if this is what the Church teaches, then the Church sure does. I have the same emotions, the same needs, that everyone else has!" I had to stop the tears. I was on the brink.

"You have to understand something. You're problem is psychological. God didn't make you this way. Many psychologists say that therapy can sometimes help."

"Well, I for one know that I'm not sick. I've read a lot of that psychological mumbo-jumbo and it's all nonsense. And from what the Kinsey stuff says, being homosexual is just as natural as being heterosexual. Well for quite some time I was really mixed up. But fortunately my friend Jade helped me to start thinking straight. I am very fortunate to have him to talk to. Also I was fortunate to find you to talk to."

"I'm glad you see me as helpful. Perhaps it was the Spirit of God leading you to me. But I don't think that your association with your friend can ever lead to any good."

"Well, as I was saying this was all so new for me. And I am not used to making my own decisions like this. I mean I was so afraid. How could everything be correct at the same time? But almost by accident I found this book in the school library. I just happen to duck in there at the beginning of my free period before lunch one day, looking for something else, and I noticed this little book on the counter. Someone had just put it there to add to the library. It had belonged to Father McCain who taught here last year."

"And just what was this book?"

"It was called Spiritual Exercises by Ignatius Loyola. He started the Jesuits."

"Yes, I know. Although I've never actually read that particular book."

"Well, I just happened to open it, and right there in front of me was the section on what he called 'The Discernment of Spirits.' I wasn't sure what that meant, but I started reading. And it was amazing. Just when I needed something like that, there it was. It talked all about in order to come to a real maturity in our faith; we needed to allow ourselves to let the Spirit of God talk to us. That if we are honest in our search for God's will for us, He will guide us. It was amazing. I read it over and over. I missed lunch and was almost late for my next class. I read it again and again the next couple days. And I finally found the courage I needed to make my own decisions about all the stuff we've been talking about."

"I am sure that this was an important thing that God wanted to show you at this time, but exactly what decisions?"

"I believe you. Well, while I was thinking about all this stuff, I finally realized God is NOT cruel!" I held up the pages I had been reading from. "That is something this author fails to consider. And there is actually at least one other sure way to avoid all this anxiety and depression he talks about. And it is remarkable in its simplicity. This idea came to me almost as if it were a revelation. Everything this guy wrote assumes all homosexual relationships are immoral. But there IS a way they can work, without feelings of anxiety, depression, or guilt. And it's so simple. By believing that God DOESN'T hate us. By realizing that these acts are NOT immoral if between two committed people that love each other! Sex is a very natural and human way of two people expressing their love for each other."

Father Hearn was looking a little agitated. Actually a lot agitated. I didn't think he was trying to guide me to that conclusion at all. But it was the only one I could accept given what I read. "That's definitely not what I was trying to teach you. You are wrong. You must realize that God will give us the strength to do what is right. But you must let the Church guide you. I think you are too distraught right now to think clearly. Maybe if we give it a rest for a while and then we can talk about this some more at a later date. And further, I think it now quite important that you stop your association with your friend. I believe that he may be an occasion of sin for you."

"Actually, I think just the opposite. After I came to the above conclusion, I started really thinking. And I had another revelation. It was God himself that brought Jade into my life -- for both our sakes! And it was God who even directed me to you. So that I would finally realize just what His plan for me really was. And what his plan is for all those others like us."

Father Hearn was not about to give up. "But that is definitely wrong. We get God's will for us from the Bible. And it is the Church whose role it is to guide you to arrive at what it teaches. And it has clearly condemned homosexuality throughout."

"But I'm not sure. I know I have a lot of research to do yet, but I do know one thing. The bible CAN NOT BE CONDEMNING ALL HOMOSEXUAL ACTS, because I know for me it is not wrong. God made me this way and therefore must want me to live this way. Nothing else makes sense. God is NOT cruel. So therefore the bible must only be talking about immoral sex acts."

"Now you're getting the cart before the horse. We use the bible to decide morality. Not the other way around."

"I know I need to learn a lot more. But for the first time in months I am finally at peace with my conscience. And with who I am."

I felt remarkable free. Even happy. I was smiling. Father Hearn certainly wasn't.

"I am greatly disturbed by what you've just told me. It's clear something has led you to erroneous conclusions. What I'd like to do is some research, and collect what the Bible has clearly stated. Let me do this. And I would like to discuss this further. Would let me do this? Will you discuss this further?"

"Sure. And I'll try to do the same. By the way, Father, would you mind hearing my confession?"

Father Hearn seemed a bit disconcerted for a moment but than said: "Of course."

When we finished, Father Hearn was even more agitated. But I suspect more about what I DIDN'T confess than what I did. And I never saw a priest down a full glass of beer right after hearing someone's confession before.

As I walked home I felt really good. Later my Mom asked what I was smiling about.

"I just had another talk with Father Hearn. And I feel really good. I think I'm well on the way of figuring things out."

"Rocco, I had been a little worried about that, when you mentioned about your meetings with him. I'm certainly relieved things are working out."

If my Mom actually knew just what conclusions I had come to she might not be quite so relieved. I wasn't even aware I had this certainty until I spoke to Father Hearn. I needed to tell Jade. I'd know he'd be happy. My only real anxiety was not about my homosexuality, but its immediate consequences. How could I tell my mother? Actually I couldn't, And that had me worried. Anong other things.

March 27, 1961
Thanks God, I feel so free. I have a tiny nagging worry, but no real problem. I have to get used to making my own difficult moral decisions. I will do my best and let You worry about the rest.

Chapter 53 -- At Least I Got in My Own Licks

I can't believe it. In less than two weeks I will turn 17. Almost an adult. I don't even feel close. And I feel even less close today than just last year. Like I took a year backwards instead of forwards.

Just a week ago, I thought things couldn't get much better. I knew Rocco had seen that priest again. I was a little worried. But the big smile on his face broadcast more than he probably realized. He's so easy to read. I don't know how he can be so successful with his BIG LIE. And oh yeah, we never did get caught for the "------------------" explosion in the park. (Since Rocco and I can't agree on how big to describe it, I left the modifier blank).

When I first saw Rocco that evening after his "talk" with Father Hearn I commented: "I probably don't even need to ask. Things went well?" This actually had me a little puzzled.

"Definitely." Rocco explained. We both laughed at Father Hearn's reaction. I still can't quite understand Rocco's efforts to remain in a Church that is so obviously wrong about so many things. "But you don't understand. It doesn't matter if they teach some things I can't agree with. I'm still a Catholic. I still believe in the basic body of its Christian tradition."

We went out celebrating. Dolores went with us. We went to a small grocery store about five blocks away I'd never been to before. But they had a real soda fountain and real malted milk shakes for 35 cents. Rocco had his usual black and white. He claimed that he loved different things and experiences, but he frequently ate the same things, and did things the same way, and was only comfortable with the same things. And, in spite of what he claimed, doesn't really like surprises.

We sat down. Dolores ordered first. I then ordered a vanilla malt and a black and white.

Rocco exclaimed: "But maybe I wanted something different."

"OK." I started toward the person serving us and before I could say anything, Rocco stopped me. "Oh, that's all right."

I turned to Dolores. "He thinks he likes variety, but actually he's very predictable."

She answered. "And very stubborn. Ready for your birthday coming up?"

"I should ask if YOU are ready for my birthday. White cake with vanilla icing. Rocco promised you would play the Hungarian Rhapsody just for me." I leaned closer and whispered: "Actually it's he who likes it so much."

Dolores smiled. "He even tried to learn it by rote. He'd figure out the keys and then memorized them. He even got the first part of the first movement down. But he plays it so stiffly."

Rocco butted in. "That's why I want you to play it Dolores." Then he looked at me. "We have all the usual games that we liked to play when we were eight. I'm an expert at clothespin in the bottle. We can use a quart milk bottle. And we have some board games that are fun at parties like Parcheesi or Chinese Checkers. You and Dolores can pick the records, but I get veto power. And absolutely no Chubby Checker, or Fabian."

We finished our milkshakes. The one I had was excellent.

Well, that was last Monday. I went back to school the next day. The rest of the week passed with nothing happening. Nothing bad I mean. I was hopeful that everything would blow over. Three of the students involved in that fight were sent to Juvenile Hall and were out on bail, but not in school. I was glad of that.

Saturday we were back to our usual routine. We even found two new coins. It was really getting difficult by then. We were now only missing 4 of the Wheat Pennies from 1909 to date. (OK, five. But there were only a few 1922 Philadelphia mint pennies in existence, and there isn't even a slot for it in our coin book). The first coin was a 1916 S in Very Good condition. We were pretty happy with it, especially with it`s great condition. It was the second one that caused all the hullabaloo. One that needed a trip to the library to look in a coin book. It started out like this:

"Hay Rocco, where's your biggie magnifier?" He had a 5 - 10 - 15 power set in his everything-else drawer.

"Why, what's up?"

"Look at this penny here and let me know what you think." I scooped up the coin onto the felt and handed it to him.

He examined it and exclaimed: "Wow. This has got to be better than the one we have. A 1944 D in Extra Fine condition. Even has most the original shine. Maybe even Near Uncirculated."

"Then how come there are a couple small grooves in the D, if it's near uncirculated?"

"Got mashed somehow."

"Then how come only the D got mashed?"

He went up to 15 power and looked, and got excited. "How did you catch that? There's a very faint image of an S here. Could this be some strange mistake?"

We were both pretty excited as we started leafing through the coin book at the library. The first one didn't mention anything about it, but the second one did. It was called a D/S mintmark with a D overlying the original S. And was worth about 25 dollars.

"I still can't believe you caught that Jade." Rocco was excited over the find. "But now we have another problem."

"What the heck you talking about? What problem?"

Rocco was using one of his half smiles that he claimed was his sly smile. "Well, now we have a coin that don't have any slot in our coin book."

We talked coins all the way back to Rocco's house, and once there had to show his sisters.

Sunday we just finished some school work and then played a game of Tactics II. (I've vowed to beat him yet at that game).

And Monday. A blank. A very bad blank. Well for most of it. Too bad it doesn't include the early morning. I wouldn't have minded having a blank for that period.

One small concussion, one headache, three cracked ribs, OK, one really bad headache, 25 stitches, no, make that a colossal headache, and lots of really sore, sore spots. And did I mention the mighty powerful headache? Thank goodness for the mighty powerful drugs.

But the worst thing, my right forearm is so sore and swollen, I can't put on my hooks. The doctor claims by the end of the week, it will be well enough. What bothers me most is that after they pummeled me into the ground, and while I was thankfully unconscious, someone took off my hooks and proceeded to stomp as hard as possible on my forearms. Why? Why go through all that trouble? Thankfully the bones weren't broken. I was lying on soft wet ground. When I was found they said my right arm was actually embedded into the turf. I'm glad I'm left handed -- OK, left hooked.

Another thing I really don't understand. I knew who they were. Then why such a severe attack when they had to know it would get them arrested? As Rocco said, not logical. Of course at the time these reflections weren't possible. Pain hurts. And really bad pain, hurts really bad. And there seems not to be any maximum possible level. It just kept getting worse until I fortunately passed out. I guess the pain didn't do it but the kick to the head did. These guys were determined!

Carter Goodsen, along with Mick, Hank, and two guys I didn't know, came for me. I never even made it to class. Or even into the building. They said I peed my pants because of the blows to my lower abdomen. I knew better. I was so scared I peed in the car right after they pushed me inside. Right in front of the school. People even saw them. And the car. Almost no one had cars, so it was very noticeable. And they barely drove a few blocks to the park entrance. I mean these guys did not have high IQs. Didn't they realize that they had to get caught? Someone told me later that they only intended to rough me up a bit. (Nothing, they thought, that would get them arrested). However, I fought back with what Rocco has labeled lethal weapons. They hadn't thought about them. So things sort of got out of hand. Rocco later said he didn't believe that. I can't seem to make up my mind one way or the other. But one thing I am sure of -- I sure got in my licks!