is about relationships between and among teenagers. This includes intimate
relationships between young males. If you don't approve or are offended, then
how come you're reading this? Go to some other Internet Site. (Of course some
people actually cultivate being offended; if that's the case, read right on). As
far as detailed descriptive sex acts, I think you may find some good ones in
other stories right here on Nifty, but as of now I do not envision a lot of
explicit detail in this one.
If, for some legal reason, you are not allowed to read this in your area of the world because of illogical laws, again I will not condone (publicly) anyone breaking the law, so either move or read sentence four. I definitely don't want the thought police after either of our behinds.
Please, this story is sort of my property, so if you ever want to quote some of it (whatever for I wouldn't know), please e-mail me and also give proper attribution. As of now no one has permission to put this story on another Internet Site.
This story is almost entirely fictional, and autobiographical ONLY in the sense that many of the incidents in the story really happened, but in some cases to different people and under different circumstances. In other words I've simply adapted things that happened in my life to a fictional story. In fact, some aspects of both main characters are in part modeled from my own experiences. Some of my family members are also in this story, and perhaps (definitely) distorted a bit (a lot) at times and sometimes approaching caricature, but since I really don't expect them to sue, I'm taking the chance. All other characters are fictional, except as noted).
I welcome any feedback. Constructive criticism appreciated.
This is the end of Part II. Part III will start very soon. Don't panic. Although things have not been going too well, and the start of chapter 65 (Part III) is terrible for the Two Boys, things will quickly be resolved, and the future years of High School are much brighter. And if you have read the Table of Contents posted earlier, there is even a marriage in their future.
Also keep a watch for a new story I hope to start in a few weeks which will be posted to the Science Fiction section entitled "The Brown Unicorn." It is intended to be a "fun" story about a boy from the present time who is propelled into the future and to a distant planet -- a planet of magic and magical creatures. The planet by the way is "sentient" and powerful but is finding out that "playing god" isn't that easy. The inhabitants of the planet are descendants of passengers from a colony ship that was forced to land there a couple hundred years earlier. The story also involves a young male unicorn who can do magic, the young son of the queen of the Elves, and another boy who is the son of the captain of a starship which sort of gets lured to this planet.
Chapter 63 -- Much More Trouble in Paradise
I gradually turned into a zombie these past couple of weeks. Everything I did now was purely by remote control. I was barely able to do the circulars on Thursdays and the TV sets when someone called. I stopped crying though. It seemed I hurt too much to even cry. I was now just numb. A very hurting numb. All our plans. Who the hell even cared about any plans? I just wanted Jade back. I couldn't care less about any plans now. I'd give it all up. Everything. Just to have Jade happy again.
I think it was actually Dolores who finally jogged me out of my zombie-state. Over the past couple weeks I tried at various times and in various ways to see Jade. Apparently he wasn't even leaving his house. I was getting desperate, and I was also traveling down the road into depression. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing interested me. I was going to call Consuelo a dozen times but never did. I even thought about of calling Father Hearn, but what could I even say to him? I realized he would be even happy about the situation. He said Jade and I shouldn't see each other any more. Was his uncle talking to Father Hearn? The image almost made me smile. But not quite.
During this time my Mom realized something was wrong but I couldn't tell her anything. What could I say: "Mom, my boyfriend won't see me anymore." That would go over big. But one evening when everyone was out, I gave into a bout of crying. And my sister was home after all. How did I miss that? Now my sister and I get along pretty well, and I even liked her. But you couldn't say we were especially close. But I was so desperate just to talk to somebody.
She must have heard me crying in my room. I was so embarrassed that she caught me like that. But after a moment I realized it didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.
"OK, Rocco, what's been going on for the past couple weeks? You're just moping around like someone died."
"Nothing." I was stubborn. And it was strange. I needed to talk to someone, yet I couldn't talk about it. I know that doesn't make sense but I can't explain it any better.
"You're having problems with Consuelo? You two broke up?"
I thought it was funny all of a sudden and started laughing. But it wasn't a happy laugh at all. "No, nothing to do with Consuelo."
"Well who is it? You have all the signs of someone who just got jilted by your special girlfriend. And you got it BAD!"
"You're wrong." I couldn't say anything more.
"Come on Rocco. Something real bad happened. You talking about it with Jade? And come to think of it, where's Jade been lately?"
I think she was starting to add two plus two. Finally she got to three and a half. "You mean this is all over Jade? What happened? You can't get like this over a friend. Gees. Melva and I break up at least once a month."
I couldn't answer, I just started crying again. I tried to answer but couldn't figure what to say.
"Rocco, did something happen to Jade? You mentioned that his uncle wasn't a nice person. Did he do something?"
"Yes. But I don't know what. His uncle beat on him a couple times, but this time it's so much worse. His uncle even said I couldn't see him anymore. And what's worse Jade won't tell me and won't see me any more."
"Well, you're just going to have to get over it. Friends sometimes break up, even good friends. It happens all the time. He's probably finally found a girl for himself. It happens like that sometimes."
"That's not what happened. It's something else, but Jade won't tell me."
"Well, that's exactly what he'd keep from you. A new girlfriend. And maybe she doesn't like him having a white friend. I can see that happening."
I looked at her incredulously. "That's all bullshit. He'd never have a girlfriend."
"Now you're not making sense. Unless he's like Carl, all boys eventually have girlfriends. And even Carl just went out on a date last month."
Because it simply didn't matter any more, and an indication of the depth's of my despair that I actually said anything at all: "I know he can't have a girlfriend because I'm his boyfriend."
"Well just because you think you're best friends, don't mean he'd confide in you everything about his girlfriend, especially if it's really serious."
I couldn't help laughing again. Maybe I was going insane. It didn't matter. "That's the funniest thing you've said so far."
"Hay look. I'm trying to help. But if you can't take me seriously, maybe you don't deserve to be helped."
"Dolores, I'm sorry. But what you said is impossible. The only person Jade has ever been serious about is me. Can I say it any plainer than that? And I'm in love with him." I was suddenly terrified. I actually said it. But my despair was greater than my terror.
Dolores just looked at me like she suddenly realized I was some how no longer quite human. "You aren't making sense. You said it was Consuelo. You gave her the locket." She was in denial.
"The locket I gave to Jade. I was just showing it to Consuelo. She knows all about us. Has for months. It's Jade and I that are in love with each other. Or at least until two weeks ago. Now something bad's happened to him and he won't talk to me. And I can't take it." I started crying again. Well into my tears I said: "And I love him so much." It came out as more of a wail. But I finally got her attention.
"My God you're serious aren't you? You really think you're in love with him. But you know that's impossible; you can't really. It's just infatuation. Boys can't be in love with other boys. It just can't really happen."
"Why not? You don't know everything either. I want to marry him. In fact, we intended to get married. After we got out of high school probably."
"Now I know your nuts. Two boys can't get married. Only a boy and girl. That's what marriage is. Between a boy and a girl and they then have families. You're just being stupid."
"Look, you don't know anything. Let me explain. I love Jade. I love him as much as anybody ever loved anyone else. It doesn't matter if he's a boy, girl, or a halfway in between. And I intend to marry him. And I intend to live with him the rest of my life. Children don't matter. A lot of men and women couples can't have kids either. And they're just as married as anyone else."
Dolores was finally getting the message. She started to say something a bunch of times but, except for a word, here or there, nothing came out. Finally she asked: "What do you mean you found out you can't ever have kids?"
"You don't want to believe me. But it's true. I always wanted kids. I used to dream of having a home, and a family, and especially a lot of kids. I used to dream about being the best father there was. Not like Dad. But I finally had to admit it would never happen."
"How? And why would you then pick a boy to marry? That doesn't make sense. Not a word you've said has made sense."
I can't believe that Dolores never heard of homosexuality. She had to. "Dolores, I eventually discovered I'm a homosexual. I like boys, not girls. There's nothing anyone can do about it. That's what I was talking to Father Hearn about all those times. It caused me a lot of problems until I finally realized there's nothing wrong with it. Or with who I am. And Jade's the same way. And we fell in love with each other."
"You can't. Only perverts do that. I mean want to have sex with their same sex. And they're just sick. Everyone knows that."
"It's you that don't understand. It isn't sick, anymore than you having sex with a boy is sick. God made us this way. So God must want us to live this way. And it's more than just sex. It has to do with who we can fall in love with. It's love like anyone else has. WE LOVE EACH OTHER. Just like you someday will fall in love with one of your boyfriends."
Dolores just stared for a while. "And Father Hearn said it was OK?"
"Of course not. In fact he said it was a sin. But I don't believe it anymore. In fact, there are a lot of things that I don't believe any more that the Church teaches."
She looked at me and stood up. She turned. "You mean you're not Catholic anymore?" She seemed just as upset about this.
"No. I'm still Catholic. Can't I still be Catholic if I want to? I just don't believe some of the things they say anymore."
"But you really believe that you are a homosexual, and that it's not wrong?"
"There's something you don't seem to understand. My being a homosexual can't be wrong. Anymore that being left handed, or having blue eyes. GOD MADE ME THIS WAY!"
"You don't have to shout. And that's not what everybody says. They all say it's a sickness, and a sin."
"How do they know? And how can it be a sickness and a sin at the same time?"
"I don't know; it just is."
"So if a person does something they can't help because they are sick, they also commit a sin?"
"Then how can I be sick because I am a homosexual? And then commit a sin by being one?"
"I don't know."
"Look, people like me don't CHOOSE to like boys instead of girls. They just find out that that's they way they are. And if God made me this way then I don't believe it can be wrong to LIVE this way. Nothing else makes sense."
I think Dolores was finally starting to understand what I was saying. She was hard thinking. "But even if it's true, and I am not conceding this now, but even if it is true, and you discovered you are a homosexual, you still can't have sex with another boy. That's not only a sin, it's just plain . . . uggh. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers."
"And for me, just thinking about having sex with a girl gives ME the shivers. With another boy it feels as natural as anything else in life."
Dolores suddenly started out of the room. "I'm getting something to drink. Come on down. No one's home."
So we went downstairs and I got a glass of milk. Dolores did too. We just sat there a while. She eventually said: "You're really serious about all this stuff aren't you?"
"As serious as possible. This is who I am."
"Do you realize how Mom and Dad will react? Because I can't. But it won't be good. Can't you think about that? How can you do this to them?"
I was starting to realize the full implication of what I had just done. My BIG LIE had a serious breach, and may very well be about to be totally undone. I was shaking at the possible consequences. I tried to remember exactly what my sister just asked. "How can I do what?"
"Do this to Mom and Dad. Be a homosexual."
"Haven't you been listening? I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS. I discovered it. And I never ever wanted to hurt Mom. Why do you think I've kept it so secret all this time? Why do you think I've pretended to be going with Consuelo? I'm not DOING anything to them."
"But you have to stop all this nonsense about Jade. Two boys can't marry and all that anyway. That's just stupid."
"You mean it's stupid that Jade and I fell in love with each other? It's stupid that we love each other and decided to get married like any other couple? You're stupid for not believing us."
"But you can't. You realize that Mom and Dad will have a major blow up about this? It would kill Mom probably. And Dad, well, I don't want to be around when he hears about all this nonsense."
"Well, we're going to be married anyway. Even the Church says that two people marry each other. The priest is a witness and only blesses the marriage."
"Well, there isn't any problem anyway. You said Jade won't even see you anymore. That must be God telling you something. It's all wrong."
And THAT got me thinking. Now I was the one pacing. I finally felt something come over me. Something I was thinking about finally fit into something Dolores just said like two pieces of a puzzle. I walked to Dolores and hugged her. And I NEVER hug my sister. "Thank you. You just inspired me."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to help Jade with whatever has happened to him. I kept asking God to help him, and couldn't understand why He wouldn't do anything. But He already did. That's what's so remarkable. God already did do something. And it was Jade's Mama who already told me right before she died."
"Jade's Mom? Right before she died? What did she say?"
"Simple. She said too things actually. One was `Love can't be wrong.' And the other was `God put you into my son's life for a reason'."
"But you don't know what the problem is. How can you help him?"
"I don't know yet. But I will." I was smiling, even if it was a grim smile, for the first time in days.
But Dolores wouldn't give up. "How can you make all this talk about God when He is the one that condemns homosexuals?"
"How do you know? And does He also condemn left handedness?"
"That's different. You can't help being left handed. That's just the way you are. And it's not a sin."
"Well being a homosexual is ALSO just the way I am."
"OK, even if that's true, God still condemns anyone who commits homosexual acts.""How do you know?"
She looked perplexed. "What do you mean, how do I know? That's just the way it is."
"And how do you know that that's just the way it is?"
Again she paused thinking. "Because everyone says it's so. That`s what the Church teaches."
"First of all, only SOME people believe that homosexual acts are wrong. I for one don't. And as far as all the others go, I simply don't believe them."
"But that what the Church teaches so it must be true."
"Bullshit. Just because the Church says so don't make it true. That's why I said I no longer believe some of the things the Church teaches. They're wrong. They also used to teach that wives must be subordinate to their husbands. That slaves must obey their masters. And even St Paul disagreed with St. Peter, the first head of the church, about circumcision and keeping the other laws of the Jews. It's right there in the Acts of the Apostles and in Galatians. And if the church can be so wrong for even centuries about those things, then why can't they be wrong about this?"
"But EVERYBODY says it's wrong. And the bible also says so. Look what God did to Sodom and Gomorrah?"
"First of all, only a lot of people say it's wrong. And Sodom wasn't destroyed because of sodomy. That's all wrong. And it's been taught wrong for centuries. If you use the entire Bible, there are at least four other places that says it was the people's inhospitality to the visitors, and not sodomy at all. I'll give you the quotes myself."
"How can you know all this stuff? You're just a boy."
"I just started reading and thinking. It's where I believe God has led me. My conscience is clear."
Dolores was shaking her head. "I don't know. Now you have even me all confused."
"Good. At least I'm starting to get through to you."
"But it's really Mom and Dad you have to convince. And I don't think you can. Boy are they going to blow up. And no matter what you think is right, Mom will still be very hurt. You know that."
"And that's exactly why you can't tell them!"
"But. . ."
"It's up to you. I'm not going to tell them. Are you? You have to decide what you will say to them."
"Darn it Rocco, then why did you tell me?"
"You asked, and I was so miserable that it didn't seem to matter anymore."
"I got to think about this."
"And if you tell either Melva or Barbara, it will be the same thing. They will eventually tell everybody else. So please don't."
"What if I do?"
"I'm just asking you not to. It's your choose. You decide if you want the consequences. What type of person do YOU want to be? I already know the type of person I want to be. And I believe it's what God wants me to be too."
"You sure have changed." That was the last thing my sister said.
Dolores suddenly left the room and I heard her go out. Probably to one of her girlfriend's houses. I hoped she'd not say anything. But now I had more important things to think about.
Journal of Rocco P
July 1, 1961
God. It was like a revelation. I now know that You are answering my prayers. It's me that you sent to help Jade. And I WILL do it. I've always been such a coward. But NO MORE. I will do ANYTHING that will help Jade. He talked about his "fight." Well this is my fight.
And now I was scared about what would happen if Dolores did tell Mom. Oh hell. Am I now caring again? I think I am. Because I suddenly got a new resolve. Wait `til Jade realizes just how complicated I just made things. I'll worry about one thing at a time. Whatever Dolores does I can't stop her. Darn, is this ME talking? I don't even recognize me anymore.
I also thought of a plan. I usually keep trying to think about how to finagle things or people `til they do what I want. No more. This is the straight ahead approach. Well maybe not quite. First thing tomorrow I need to get to the Merry Shoppe.
Chapter 64 -- A Life Changing Decision
I was so miserable that for the first time in my life I was even thinking about suicide. Mr. Alexander say's I'm courageous. Little does he know. And Rocco keeps saying how much of a coward he is. But it is me that's the coward. The real coward. He loves me so much and I can't stop hurting him.
Damn, there comes my uncle again. Not again so soon. How can I stop this? I can't see any way. And that's why I don't deserve Rocco any more. I'm too scared to do anything to stop my uncle. He's at my door. I don't even look. Hoping that he will just go to his own room. And besides, what's he home from work this early for anyway?
"God damn, this room stinks! You ever hear of opening windows? And where's your fan? It must be 80 degrees in here!"
I turned and looked. It was Rocco! No, I can't hurt him like this. But I can't even say anything. Damn, am I so much a coward? And I've been lying to him for a couple years.
He opened both the windows, and then looked around. What the hell was he up to now? "Please, just go. I'm sorry, but please just go." I only said it barely above a whisper. I had no more will power than that.
But he just kept looking around. He finally saw the window fan in the corner, and put it in the window, and started it up. And then just walked out. What the hell was he up to?
He returned with a couple bags. I couldn't read what they said. Maybe nothing. He pulled out a pair of handcuffs. What the hell? Has he gone crazy too? And then a gun!
"I hope that ain't real. Now you really have gone round the bend." Why am I even talking? He can't help me anyway, so what's the point? I just kept lying on my bed. I only had on my boxers. My hooks were on the chair. I haven't had them on for almost two days. And with the cast I can just barely get one to fit to use at all. I'm almost starving.
He finally looked at me again. "OK, here's how it's going to be. I finally had a revelation two days ago. My sister even helped. By the way, I told her all about us. That was Saturday. And yesterday after Church she was threatening to tell our parents."
Now I KNEW he went mad. He would NEVER stop his big lie. Would he? "I don't believe you."
"Well it suddenly occurred to me. NOTHING else mattered if I didn't have you anymore. So who cares? Even the big lie didn't matter anymore. Without you I am missing my own soul anyway. That sound familiar? Remember, you told that prosthetics lady that. That I was part of your soul. You told me later. Of course that was when I thought we could talk about ANYTHING to each other."
What the HELL was he doing. He finally sat down after setting down a couple fruit juice bottles, another paper bag that had something heavy in it, and a cushion. He got that from downstairs. He started talking again. "I just went to the bathroom; I'll be here a while and if I have to pee again these bottles will have to be enough. And this is a bag of sandwiches. My sister even helped me make them. And these are a pair of handcuffs, and here's the key. And oh yes, here is a gun with one bullet in it. Only need one." He took that out of that last bag.
I got just a little scared. I knew he was weird but this was off the scale. Was the gun real? He then made a big show of cuffing himself to my radiator pipe. "You're nuts!"
He ignored what I said, but looked at me. "OK Jade, the cuffs are on, and here's the key. You can't know what all I went to getting these things. By the way, did you know that John Edell's father's a policeman? I'm not sure if I ever told you. Well, anyway, it took me two days of being over his house before I was able to steal these things. A bit careless of his father you'd think wouldn't you?"
DAMN! "What the hell you gonna do!? You mean those things are real?" Hell, I was getting real scared now. I don't know why I just didn't walk over to him and get the gun.
"No real worry. I'm not stupid you know. But here's the deal. You won't tell me what's the matter. And I suddenly realized two things. If you never tell me, then nothing else matters. I really don't care what else happens. And two. I kept asking God to help you. And you know what? I suddenly realized while talking to my sister, that He already had!"
Damn, I really hated it when he got obscure like that. He deliberately says things that get my curiosity and makes me dig out what he means. "I'll bite. What do you mean by `He already had'?"
"Well your Mama was a great woman. And right before she died she told me two things. `Love can't be wrong' was one. And I see you still wearing the bronze locket. Notice I have the other one on. The one you gave your Mama." He looked up to see if he got a reaction. He didn't. "And two, she told me, let's see if I can get the words exact. She said: `I have been a religious person my whole life and even if you don't agree, I believe that God put you into my son's life for a reason.' Yes I think that's it exactly, or so close it don't matter. And I realized that I was the help that God has given to you. I'm the help, I was asking for all along. Your Mama even told me I was. How about that?!"
He caught me with that one. "Stop talking about my Mama. She can't help me either."
Rocco now had tears in his eyes. Damn. Stop. I can't take any more. But he kept talking. "So here's the deal. I decided that nothing else matters. If I can't get you back, then nothing else matters. So see this key?" Damn, he threw it out the window! "I simply don't leave here until you tell me what's the matter. Simple isn't it? So you may as well tell me now."
"My uncle, he'll get home from work in about 5 hours. You can't be here when he returns. You just can't." I was getting more than scared. Could he do to Rocco what he did to me even?
"Don't matter. As I said. Nothing else matters. I thought when we exchanged the lockets it was for forever?"
I was so full of guilt, he couldn't make it any worse. Nothing mattered since I couldn't have my White-boy any more. I lost him forever. "I remember. But all that is gone. I destroyed it all. Everything we had together I destroyed."
I could see him quietly crying. "Jade, this is your White-boy talking to you. You're really scaring me. PLEASE, what's happening? What's wrong?"
"I can't tell you. You can't do anything anyway."
"No you don't. You're so totally wrong! First, you keep telling me to make my own decisions. Isn't it up to me to decide if I can or can't help? And two, it doesn't matter if I can help or not. Don't we just share things? What has happened to us helping each other? We need each other. And I know it has to be more than your uncle just beating on you."
"Look White-boy. I really appreciate that you want to help, but you just can't. Please believe me. No one can help. I just have to handle this myself. You just don't understand."
"Well MAKE me understand!"
"Look, even if I can, it's TOO LATE. There's nothing you can do."
"At the least I can share it with you. Please Jade, I can't stand it when you're hurting. It hurts me just as bad."
I just stared a while. Then got up and walked around the room. I looked into the mirror. Then I lifted my arms and stared at the cast. And started to cry. "I'm sorry White-boy. Maybe we can't be together. Maybe dreams can't come true. I BETRAYED YOU!" The last I shouted out.
Rocco stared at me. I could tell my last statement startled him. It almost startled me. He replied: "Please. You keep saying that you're guilty, that you destroyed what we had together, or now that you betrayed me. Tell me how. How can things get worse? Tell me what you did."
I started crying in earnest. How can I tell my White-boy that because I was such a coward, I let my uncle do those things? And the worst is I'm still scared of losing what I have. But what do I have without my White-boy? I lay down again. I couldn't believe it. He was really going to stay here until my uncle comes home. And then what?
I got up just as fast and walked out of the room and went downstairs. I even went outside looking for the key. It was hopeless. How the hell would we ever get him loose now no matter what I tell him? He's not weird; he's totally crazy. I started shaking. I was at a total loss. I was no longer Noel or Jade. Who was I?
I finally went back upstairs and dropped into bed again.
Rocco started talking again. "You know that I don't care what you did. I don't care if you even betrayed me, which I don't believe really happened anyway. And even if it did it doesn't matter. I would forgive you forever. Don't you understand? I am nothing without you. I have no strength, no desires, no existence, without it being with you. Why can't you see that?" He was crying again. "You remember that I once told you I would give you one of my hands if I could? Well I was wrong."
I thought: "You bet you were wrong. You're finally seeing my real problem. Why I'm so scared all the time."
He stopped crying so much and continued. "If I could I would give you BOTH my hands. Can't you understand that I love you so much I'd give you my own life?!" The last he was almost shouting.
I had to look at him. And I started to give in. I thought: "He couldn't really mean that. He just didn't understand." But I started to crumble. I finally said: "I threw away our love because I was scared. If you knew the real me you'd never want me any more."
He started to stare at me. "Jade, why can't you understand? How can I say it? We are the same person. It doesn't matter who specifically did what. You are so much part of me it can't matter what you think you did. See this gun here. You know why I brought it? Because I don't get you back you may as well use it on me. Kill me off fast instead of slow like you're doing."
I started shaking all over again. He really means it. "White-boy, I've been lying to you for two years."
Now he looked a bit surprised but he shook his head and said: "I don't care. How about telling me now."
So I did. "White-boy, look at me! What do you see?"
"I see a great guy that I love. That I want to be with forever."
"NO! That's not what I mean. What do you see physically?"
"I see a great boy who has fought back from a horrible accident to become a pillar of strength for me. Who has helped me understand who I really am? Who has given me the most important reason to live? You have taught me how to love!"
"No you can't. You see someone that has no hands and is terrified every day about what will happen to him. You see a boy perpetually scared to death. You see a coward that sold his soul to his uncle for a little security. You see someone that threw away his love for you because he was too afraid to live with no hands."
White-boy looked at me and he suddenly looked scared to death. "I don't understand. You've had years to learn how to get along without hands. And you've done it. Why are you scared now?"
"I'm not scared just now. I've been scared forever! I just hid it well. Remember when I told you that I was a Negro and that defined my whole life?"
"Sure, it made quite an impression. So what?"
"Well I lied. Not only to you but even to myself. What actually defines my whole life is that I don't have any hands. That I can't do so many things. I am a person with no hands! That's what drives all my motivations about how I see myself. What can I really do? I was so afraid of losing a home and security, and a possible future, that I betrayed you. I gave myself away to my uncle and now there's nothing for you!" I was almost crying uncontrollably by now. "So now you know. Now you can get the other key you have to have and go."
"I don't care. I mean I care, but not because of me. And I'm still staying until you tell me what you did. Besides, I have never lied to you about anything important. And hardly about anything not important. So you know I'm not lying now. There is no other key."
There had to be another key. Even if I told him, how was he going to get the cuff off? Or is he really that crazy? But he was definitely wearing me down. "If I tell you what I did, will you leave? Will you then finally let me alone?"
"Of course not. That's not what can ever happen. You just tell me. I forgive you. Then we try to figure out how to fix things. And when we do that, then I leave." Rocco stood up with his one hand being pulled to the pipe. "Jade, if for no other reason, tell me because you love me."
My resistance totally crumbled. I finally blurted it out. "I'm letting my uncle have sex with me!" Now he knows he will want to leave.
He looked stunned for a moment. Then he yelled: "You god damned son of a bitch nigger! That's it? You've given me all this grief for that?! You mean to say you tried to rip my heart right out of my body simply because you cheated on me? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard you tell me."
I couldn't figure what he was saying. Actually I could. What I couldn't figure was WHY he was saying it. That's not exactly true either. I mean, how could he so calmly accept it as if it were nothing? As if it didn't matter. "How can you think it doesn't hardly matter?"
He stopped crying altogether. White-boy was just angry. "Of course it matters. It rips me apart. But you could betray me a hundred times and I'd forgive you if you'd ask me to. Can't you see that? Would you forgive me if I did it to you? I know you would." Then he suddenly stopped. He looked like he does sometimes when he's doing a math problem. Everything else is blocked out. He eventually looked up. "At first I couldn't understand why what you said you did, didn't hurt me as much as I thought it should. But then I realized that I just couldn't quite believe it. It is a betrayal if that's what you actually did. Which I'm not really so sure of anymore. I know you Jade. I know that can't be the whole story." He got that seeing-nothing-stare again. And then White-boy got a real funny look on his face. And then he got angrier than I've ever seen. And this wasn't his usual fast temper angry. This looked more like a cold calculating type angry.
Rocco simply pulled hard on the cuff and it actually snapped. He started walking toward me. "That god-dammed fucking, no good, hateful, son-of-a-bitch. And you're almost as stupid as he is bad! You're protecting him! Why?" I don't think I ever heard Rocco use that kind of language before.
He grabbed me and started crying all over again. He hugged me tight. "Please Jade, I have it all figured out. But just tell me why? How can you keep protecting him?"
I couldn't help myself. Never did I realize `til now just how much I so needed my precious White-boy. "I'm sorry White-boy. I'm so sorry." That's all I could say right now. I held him even tighter. My arm hurt like hell but it didn't matter. Finally I pulled away a little. "I'm so sorry. But I was so scared. I just couldn't stop him. The first time was when I missed school that last time. You don't understand. He saw us."
"What do you mean, `he saw us'?"
"When we were in bed together. He saw us. When you left he came in and accused us both of being like his brother. Homosexuals. Of course he used different words and he cursed a lot more. And I knew I was in trouble and tried to get away. But I couldn't. He almost knocked me out. And he forced himself on me. He said I deserved it because of what I was."
"That fucking bastard. His own nephew. How could he do that? But that can't be all. You seemed to get over that. What else happened?"
"Well then there was the day I broke my arm. He came into my room that evening. And it was worse because he wasn't drunk. He KNEW COMPLETELY what he was doing. And he made me do it again. And I just laid there and let him. I'm so sorry. But I was so afraid of losing what security I had I just let him. And I felt so guilty I was sick. I was throwing up forever."
"But he didn't beat you that time? How did your arm get broken?"
"I thought it was all over. I was feeling so miserable because I let him take from me what I wanted to give to you. And now I never can. But he came back drunk several hours later. He had the belt in his hand again. He was going to beat me again with it."
"So that's what he used before?"
"Yes. And you can never believe how it hurts. I couldn't let him do it again. I ran out of the room but I slipped on the stairs. And it doesn't matter how long I've not had hands. My instinct was to grab something. I accidentally put my arm through the poles of the banister and as I fell my arm got caught. The bones snapped. And I passed out for a while. When I came to, I called you. I hurt so much, that was all I could think of. And it took forever to dial the phone, and it hurt so much. But I realized my uncle was gone again."
When I finished explaining what was happening, we just sat there and held each other for a while. Finally White-boy said: "You know that only one thing really matters. That we have each other. You keep telling me not to over analyze things. Just do what you told me a hundred times. Listen to your own heart."
"But you can't understand how afraid I was. And this fear was so difficult since I lost my arms. And things got even worse." I had to tell it all now I started. "There's much worse. My uncle has been doing it to me all the time now. And I've been letting him. Each time I sink deeper into despair. Each time, I knew that I was a little bit worse."
"Please Jade, we can't worry about that now. It doesn't matter if it was once or a hundred times. You couldn't help it. He forced you. Maybe not physically but he knew you couldn't resist him. But now you have me. Together we'll stop him. You have me now."
"But I'm so scared! How can I?"
"Being brave isn't NOT being scared. It is doing something in spite of being scared to death. And it's US now, not just yourself."
I started crying. White-boy always said confession was good for the soul. He seemed to be right. I felt like a ten ton weight had been lifted off me. I felt for the first time, that with him, I could beat this. "But how?"
"I don't know yet. But I'll think of something."
We finally got up, and White-boy wrinkled up his face. "You know Jade, you stink! When d'you take a bath last?"
I almost laughed. But was short circuited before it got to my mouth, because I was still worried about what was really going to happen. An hour later I had bathed, put on clean clothes, and we had all the bedclothes stripped from my bed. During the shower, Rocco actually bent over and looked at my butt-hole. "Damn Jade, does it hurt? It don't look so good."
"Not too bad. I got my uncle to at least start using the Vaseline I had in my drawer. The first time was horrendous."
We went to the basement and put the sheets and some of my clothes into the washing machine. Rocco looked around a bit. "What's all the saw dust from? And what's that?" He pointed to a new partition put in the basement with a new door in it.
"I don't know, but it's new. I guess a new storeroom, but for what I couldn't say." We went to the new door but it was locked.
We went up to my room again and started talking. I went into a lot more detail about what my uncle had done. "What I can't understand now is how come I let my uncle do all that? I mean, after telling you all of it, I can't believe I actually let him get away with it. But every time I think about how I could have stopped him, I can't figure out how."
Rocco looked at me and said: "Jade, we need to tell someone."I wasn't sure if he was really serious. I pulled away a bit and said: "But you can't tell anyone. You can't! They'd arrest him and then I'd have nothing. I need somewhere to live. At least until I get out of High School. Please promise me."
"OK. OK. I promise I won't do anything we don't first agree on. OK?"
I relaxed and dropped to my bed.
"But damn it Jade. We have to do something. We can't let him continue. We can't let him keep hurting you like that. That fucking asshole can't do this again. You know Jade, for the first time in my life I feel like I could even kill someone. How about telling Consuelo or Dan. Maybe they could suggest something?"
I wasn't ready yet to tell anyone else. I was thinking about all my White-boy had said. We finally just started talking about other things. Especially how to get our lives back together again. I knew one thing for sure and I told my White-boy. Never again will I try to leave him out of it again. We are in everything together.
Finally I asked: "Really White-boy? Both hands?" I was almost in tears.
"That's an easy decision Jade. I really would if I could."
I truly believed him. It was strange. That whole afternoon we hugged a lot, and cried a lot, but we never kissed. It didn't seem to be that kind of day. But I think it was on this very afternoon that I finally realized just how much my White-boy loved me. And that helped me understand how much I loved him. And it seemed to heal me somewhat. I was still hurting, and still feeling really guilty, but at least I could now believe that I can get over it. How could I possibly have ever thought I could live without him? And I now finally believed him when he said the same to me. Thank you Mama. Thank you God.
We cleaned up my room and finished the wash, and made my bed. I found the gun on the floor, and started to laugh. "Damn White-boy, what was that about the cuffs and gun being real? And you claiming you wouldn't ever lie to me about important things?"
"Simple. I lied." And he laughed. "So sue me! Actually I think John's dad is an insurance salesman. Those I got at the Merry Shoppe. I used up most of my Dad's lead sinkers putting them into the gun to make it seem heavy and took a half hour at the Hobby Shop looking for the right color paint." And he laughed again. And I could now even laugh with him. Damn, that felt good.
I also ate so much I was certainly going to burst. With the new strap arrangement, with a lot of trouble, the new hooks could actually be separated. I was just wearing one.
Rocco looked at my other arm. "When does the cast come off?"
"In a few more days. I'm supposed to get it X-rayed this Wednesday."
And Rocco then filled me in on all the stuff I'd been missing out on. We finally got back to my uncle. "I know we have to do something, but what?"
Rocco looked down and then he looked up: "I have only one idea and I know you won't like it because I don't think much of it myself. But it's all I can come up with. Actually I have two ideas but the second is even more improbable, and probably couldn't be arranged." And he explained what he was thinking.
"You're right, I don't like it, but I can't think of anything else and this has a good chance of working. And plan two I'd love, but it couldn't happen. So I guess it's plan one." Plan two was me coming and living with Rocco's family.
We then went to Rocco's house. It was almost dinner time and we met Dolores in the living room and she gave me this REALLY strange look. I said hi. We were usually at ease with each other, but there was a real strain there now. Rocco said he told her about us, but we never talked about any specifics.
We were greeted by his Mom in the kitchen. "Why hello Jade. I guess you've been hurt. We haven't seen you for a while." Then she looked at the cast on my arm. "How's the arm doing? When's the cast to come off?"
Well that answers one question; Dolores hasn't told anyone yet. Rocco insisted I come over to give him moral support, just in case she had told. Now I guess we were both wondering just what she was going to do. After talking with his Mom and hearing him get chewed out for not warning her I was coming over, we went to his room. "Remember, supper will be ready soon."
"So, she hasn't told," I said.
"I guess not. Now I sure hope she doesn't. And I think my paranoia is coming back in full force."
Just then we had a knock on the bedroom door and Dolores came in without us saying anything. "Well, I am so mad at you Rocco I could kill you! I wanted to talk again and you were gone all day. And now how can we talk with Jade here?"
"Easy, just talk to both of us."
"So I guess this means you guys patched things up between you whatever was wrong? Although I shouldn't really like that."
Rocco answered: "Yes, we're working on it. Jade and I need to know just what you plan on doing."
Dolores got up and almost shouted. "And that brings up another thing I'm really mad about. You dump all this on me and then say it's up to me not to tell Mom. Well that's a crock. How am I supposed to decide what to tell or not tell her? You know very well what would probably happen. This family would never recover."
I looked over at my White-boy, and then at his sister. She seemed to be boring holes right through me. "Please Dolores, try to understand. We can't change the way we are."
"So that's what Rocco's been trying to say. I still don't understand why you just still can't decide to be with girls instead."
I started to answer but Rocco overrode me: "For exactly the same reason why you couldn't decide to be with girls instead. We're exactly like you. Boy crazy."
She almost smiled. But resisted. "But I'm supposed to like boys."
"And we're supposed to like boys too."
"Rocco, now I know you're crazy. How can you possibly say something so obviously untrue?"
Rocco didn't bat an eye. "But it IS true. We're supposed to like boys because God made us that way."
She didn't have an answer to that. But I don't think she quite believed it either. Rocco finally asked her. "Well, does this mean you won't be telling anyone about us?"
"For now. I can't do that to our family. You do know that they eventually have to find out. That is if you are really determined to stay together after high school." Then almost as an afterthought. "And I hope I'm not around when they do."
We looked at each other and realized that what Dolores said was true. We then went down to dinner. It was actually pretty pleasant. I just said I broke my arm in a fall down the stairs. One truth covers a multitude of lies. Afterward Rocco and I discussed the NEW PLAN. It still sounded not that great. We decided to implement it tomorrow. The sooner the better. My uncle would be home because of the holiday. We talked about some of the details, but there really wasn't much to talk about. The plan was quite simple. I still didn't like it, but my White-boy even chanced giving up his big lie for me. I will do this for him.
I stayed until almost 10 PM, and then left. I went alone, carrying my hook in a shopping bag. It felt so strange. I decided to stay out `til my uncle went to bed. His light went out an hour later. I climbed in the open front window. (Why did he lock the front door when the window was wide open)? Rocco said he'd be over pretty early. Tomorrow was the Forth of July, and he had to be at his sister's birthday party later. He said he had to get a gift yet.
I finally went to bed myself. It would be difficult. I prayed our plan would work.
END OF PART II